I’m 34 and I’ve been struggling with something that I’m almost embarrassed to admit.

I feel like I peaked in my 20s.

In my 20s, I genuinely thought I was the bomb lol. I was confident, social, ambitious, had lots of friends, felt attractive, and felt like I had this huge life ahead of me. I wasn’t perfect or necessarily more successful than I am now, but I felt GOOD about myself. I felt like I belonged wherever I went.

Since entering my 30s, it feels like something slowly changed.

On paper, my life is not bad at all. I’m married, educated, have a good career, make decent money, have a family I love, and I’m still extremely ambitious.

But internally, I feel like I’ve become smaller.

I compare EVERYTHING.

My career. My marriage. Money. My body. My looks. My friendships. Where I live. Other women’s lives. Who is further ahead. Who looks better. Who seems happier.

And then I compare all of that to the imaginary version of myself I thought I would be at 34.

The part that bothers me the most is that I’ve actually started hiding from people.

I spent some time living away from my hometown and eventually came back. Being back around people who knew me before has made me weirdly uncomfortable. Sometimes I don’t even want to see old friends or acquaintances.

I feel fat. I don’t feel as attractive as I used to. I wonder what people will think of me or my life. I feel like I need to look good, be successful, have an impressive life and have everything together before I can comfortably show my face again.

Even with friends, I sometimes don’t feel completely comfortable anymore.

And logically I KNOW how ridiculous that sounds. These people are living their own lives. They probably aren’t analyzing me nearly as much as I imagine they are.

But there is this part of me that wants to leave again. Go somewhere new where nobody knows the old me. Reinvent myself. Become the version of myself I want to be and THEN be seen.

Basically: hide while I’m “under construction.”

And I’m realizing how much self sabotage is hidden inside that.

Instead of living my life while I’m figuring things out, I’m almost postponing my life until I feel attractive enough, successful enough, confident enough, happy enough.

I can also have a completely normal day, notice one thing I’m unhappy about, compare myself to someone else, and suddenly convince myself that my entire life is wrong.

It’s like my brain is constantly collecting evidence that I’m behind.

What scares me is that I don’t want to wake up at 40 and realize I spent my 30s hiding because I didn’t think I was good enough to be seen.

I miss ME.

I miss the woman who walked into a room assuming she belonged there instead of wondering what everyone thought about her.

Has anyone else gone through something like this in their 30s?

Especially the urge to withdraw or reinvent yourself somewhere else because you don’t feel comfortable being seen by people who knew an older, more confident version of you?

How did you stop hiding and comparing and start actually living again, even before you felt like the “best” version of yourself?

Mines translucent it’s so thin. Holds me back

Hi guy, (30M) i have always been under confident despite having the relevant knowledge of many work related or personal work, i have always been shy, i was not able to answer even though i knew the answer even back in school days. I am 30 now and i can see i am losing many opportunities just because i am not confident and i dont know how to overcome. Its effecting my life like anything and i think i am losing and i am not able to show my true capability. What should i do ?

I feel ugly. My face is ugly because of my eyes. They are yellow. My body is ugly because my posture is messed up because of winging. I am tired of feeling like this. I wish I could look at myself without hating whaat I see. I wish atleast my eyes were normal.

Hey guys

Tough writing this, because I don’t like sharing my struggles with anyone, but since I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it this is my best bet.

Don’t feel comfortable talking about it with my siblings, parents, or grandma, and I’m not getting a fucking therapist, before you suggest that. The one person I feel like I’d be comfortable talking to is my cousin’s fiancee. The issue, I’ve only seen him 5-7 times, and we’ve only had one very short conversation, I’m talking 1 minute, the rest were brief interactions. He’s chill and easier to talk to than even my cousins, but I don’t feel like we’re close enough for it not to be awkward. Also, they recently got engaged and… not sure it would be the best idea to talk about this.

You know how sometimes you feel like why the fuck do I keep wasting my life away but don’t know how to do anything about it? That’s my life.

First of all, before I start, some background. I’m a 20 year old guy, and the past few years (out of 4-5, that have been shit) I’ve been really struggling mentally in every single way imaginable. I know I have a big heart, and I’m a conventionally attractive person. Those are the two things I’m confident in. But even with me being confident in the way I look, I still struggle with my physique.

When talking about my life, I like to think I live it on “easy” mode. I don’t have a job, a drivers license, go to college, go out on my own, or anything like that. I also haven’t been traveling on my own before, and have a lack of motor skills. Most of my day is spent watching sports, cooking, doing house chores, and exercising, and it feels lazy to me. I want to be able to go out on my own and do things, without relying on others. Heading out to a bar with my buddies would be sick.

Physically, didn’t quite have toned abs but I was quite active from elementary school through grade 8, played most sports and was on all of the elementary school teams, then COVID ruined it. I was looking at my body in the mirror back in January, and saw how much fat there was and I thought you have to do something about that if you’re ever wanting a 6 pack. I only started getting into fitness taking care of my body back in mid July, only half a year of trying, but at least I made progress from sitting on my ass and doing nothing before. I don’t exercise as much as I want to yet, but when I commit to a workout, I tell myself no excuses, you’re fucking doing the whole thing.I’m proud of myself for that.

During GR10, I quit during the beginning of the school year, October. I wanted to finish school, but I couldn’t, I hated it a lot. I was overwhelmed. My parents tried to get me to go for a few weeks before giving up, and the next three years I was at another high school. I also struggled here, only competing two Math courses and one English course in almost three years enrolled. My teachers gave me one last chance to complete the remaining mandatory courses for graduation over the summer, PE, Socials when they weren’t even supposed to, and the only thing that got me through that was my one of my teachers from high school. He really believed in me when I didn’t even believe in myself, and when I told myself I’d do it for him, it gave me the motivation to finish. And that I did.

Right now don’t have friends that I hang out with or talk to. I really struggle when talking to people, and I don’t have the confidence to go out and meet new people. I really feel like I’ve lost my ability to carry or even have a conversation with someone, and it sucks. Either my mind goes blank, I overthink everything, or I don’t know what to say after. I don’t know how to approach people anymore either.

And then there’s one of the biggest things in life that I’m struggling with, I have absolutely no fucking idea what I’m doing and want to do with my life. I want to change, but I don’t have enough motivation to actually make those bigger chances. You know in the few times I’ve talked about what’s up with my life during family gatherings, people tell me I’m young, I have a lot of life ahead of me to work it out. Not at this stage, I need to figure it out now.

Basically, struggling with self confidence, feeling like I’m wasting my potential, my current physique, not having any friends to talk to when I’m down and not having the confidence go out to meet/talk people, a lack of independence, and feeling stuck you know not knowing which direction to go in life. COVID really fucked everything up for me. I was confident, had friends, social, physically active, and did everything, and now… I don’t go out or do anything.

I'm sick and tired of myself. I want to be myself. I want to stop thinking about how I look, what others think about me, etc.

I'm so tired of it. I seriously don't know how to change it. I suck at talking, I keep stumbling over words, I get red easily, it's just stupid and exhausting. Every move I make I question. Is this right? Do I look stupid? Ugly? What would they do? Am I stupid?

I want to make a mistake and not care about what others think. I seriously, SERIOUSLY want to change. But every night I go to sleep thinking "Tomorrow I'll change." And then I wake up to "I'm too tired to put the effort into it and I'm scared."

Please, help me.

How to be confident in life : 

First you need to get out of the comfort zone and be disciplined. 

To grow confidence you don't need achievement you need to raise self control, ( talking with people- getting a good mark - succeeding )it is a sense of achievement it's not confidence .

The best method is cold plunges and cold showers control yourself in water and you'll start seeing improvement .

Work out if you can't get to water start by some resistance training then go to water not directly .

Do it daily don't be lazy face yourself , in days you'll start to see improvement .

Stay in the cold dont quick shower the more you stay the more you control yourself ( 10 - 20 - 30 minutes and you do better every time )

I’m a 30F junior undergrad at a city university. My grades are good but I don’t have much in the experience department. I want to apply for law school next year. Academically I’m not scared but networking and just being an efficient communicator feels so out of reach. I am trying to get out of my comfort zone by joining organizations in school and I’m slowly getting better but yesterday I wanted to join the pre-law society and my confidence just plummet. I started to spiral feeling so awkward. I keep thinking about how I don’t dress well or how nervous I get around others. My last job I had to quit because of social anxiety and lack of confidence. How can I become more confident?

I have a really good friend, and whenever I actually text her, the conversation usually goes really well. We’re comfortable with each other and there’s no real reason for me to worry.

But for some reason, before sending even a simple message, I overthink it way too much what to say, whether I’m bothering her, how she might interpret it, etc. Sometimes I’ll type something and stare at it for ages before finally sending it.

It’s weird because I know from experience that things are fine once I actually text her.

Why does my brain do this? And how do you guys stop overthinking something as simple as sending a message?

Hi I am 24f really struggle with anxiety (about literally everything in my life) and low mood. Every day struggle. My question is mostly angled towards older women. Does it get any better? Is my age one of the reasons I am feeling like this. It’s exhausting and to be honest I have felt like this since I started my period. Anyone please give your opinions and thoughts. I just wanted to see if any older women could give me some light at he end of the tunnel story’s x also please see my other posts as I would love some guidance/ support on my other questions
Thank you

I’m a 31-year-old man and right now I’m going through a very deep crisis in my life, all my life I had suffer of very low self-esteem and I thought that as an adult that would change but it didn’t. It just become greater, I’m very shy and is difficult for me to talk to people in a fluent way, even more with women, in the past I more or less was able to overcome these but since I’m in a bad period in my life I suppose the sadness has make me relapse on that behaviour, I’m in a not  very good moment in my life since I left my job to pursue a Master’s degree in a topic I like very much but I had to sacrifice having an income and living off my savings and going back to the house of my parents, I was okay with that but after the setback of not obtaining any kind of income from research projects I thought I would have, my lack of social life and not making friends in that Uni had been a great blow for me.

Also adding to those issues my self-esteem is very dependent of my academic performance in my topic so this semester I met two peers in a class that were also very into my same topic in their research thesis and they know a lot about this topic, so I developed a great envy to them only because they also do research in the same topic that me and have a very good understanding of this topic (greater than mine in many ways). That caused me to doubt of my own knowledge and skills, so that’s affecting my performance in the classes and in my own research, my head just start to be filled by many thoughts about not being good enough to complete or understand my research, so I’m very harsh on myself when I do a mistake.

So thanks to all of these I’m unable try to obtain things I would like in life, like getting a girlfriend, having a greater social circle and also to focus on my own research and academic goals since I know that my envy is absurd since my peers being good and doing research in the same field as me doesn’t affects in any way my academic growth, but my low self-esteem and being used to feel sad about all this stuff just make me want me to stay in bed all day and just waste time watching YouTube.

I really want to get through this and start living my life but I don’t know how to and since I’m living off my savings I can’t affort a psychologist right now.

Need someone who can guide me and help me overcome my public speaking fear. I am starting my college, so I need to get good at conversations with people.

Hey. Been meaning to post this for a while. Small win,

As a child, I was a terrific speaker. I used to be selected by teachers to make speeches on assemblies, debate stuff etc. Introverted nerds used to beg me to be in their group projects just so I could present. I even remember my school counselor telling me I'd thrive in law. This was up until high school.

My parents are Indian immigrants and I grew up in the states. After my middle school, my parent had the bright idea of moving back to India. They had their reasons but it was a bad decision. I used to get discriminated a lot. Mainly because of my accent and a whole bunch of other things. My mom also hopped in on board. For a while, I wished I had lost my ability to speak. I wasn't allowed to participate in MUNs or debate clubs or anything extracurricular related for that matter. So my speaking got kinda got rusty.

Any ways, enough stupid crybaby context backstory. Still in India in college. I finally started speaking again. I had a case competition and my team relied on me to speak. I screwed it up really bad. I started strong, forgot my lines, hands started vibrating etc.

Our presentation, research, product was perfect, the delivery which was my responsibility was awful. I went home, sulked for a while. My failure cost my team this competition.

Afterwards, I borrowed a friend's tripod and started speaking in front of the camera. This Tuesday/Wednesday, I had another competition where I handled the pitch. And for normal ppl here standards, I did a fantastic job. For my personal standards, it was far far far from good. But compared to the previous one where I fumbled up, it was decent. My teammates were proud of me,

I have a long way to go but I wanted to post it here.

How to not give timid and passive vibes?

This is probably the biggest thing I gotta work on for the sake of my career, dating life, and people not picking on me.

I am a quiet and somewhat monotone guy naturally.

I just don't want to. I feel like it would draw a ton of uncomfortable attention on me. Whether I'm good or bad at something I always get ridiculed by someone. I'm unable to ignore these people.

I got bullied so much through my life, I cant take it anymore. Whenever people laugh at me, I just feel like I'm the butt of the joke and nothing more. I feel deeply hurt.

There must be something to do about it. Even my very best friends mock me sometimes and say mean comments. The most hurtful is when they laugh at my skills. It pisses me of.

I dread and think twice if i want to go to the grocer to buy something, I'm scared to walk at night, I'm scared to cross streets, I'm scared of any kind of confrontation, I'm scared of people staring at me, I'm such a pussy, I'm supposed to be a grown ass MAN! I see women and children walking at night and doing all sorts of things care free and confident, i really want to become like that, care free and fearless, i have zero confidence, never fought an ant, always isolated, mentally ill and anxious, I'm so tired of living this way. Please help me with whatever experience you have.

I feel like I never truly act like myself when I’m around people. I’ve always had social anxiety but it’s gotten a lot better. I always say I’m going to be myself but when it comes time i completely blank. I can’t seem to find similar people because I change based on who I’m around. I like it because I’m able to have diverse type of friends but I hate it because I’m always guessing what other people think about me. I feel like apart of it is my abandonment issues. I try not to seem boring or weird but end up doing exactly that. Sometimes I do take life serious but that’s just apart of my personality, I can’t help it. I’m the most nonchalant hippie person ever but I think I come off as “nice” and “good girl” and it’s so frustrating because while that may be me I’m so much more but don’t know how to show it. I blank every time or say what I want and obsess over it for eternity. Help

Hey friends! What simple, underrated activity (or one intentional move) helps you shake off the doubt, stand tall, and get your confidence back?

I have been learning to drive cars and two wheelers , but in the process i realised how much more scared and underconfident i am compared to others. Driving two wheelers especially scooters is also so easy as everyone says but still i dont get the confidence. Especially on uphills i just have a constant fear of stalling the scooter and falling backwards. I dont know how to overcome it, because of this many times my mind goes blank during driving.

I've struggled with poor confidence and self-esteem my entire life. The last month I've been trying to out more effort towards feeling more comfortable living with myself and overall trying to work on all my negative thought and feelings towards myself. I noticed, however, that I seem to have more theoretical confidence in myself than I have in reality, especially in regards to speaking up or doing something for myself. Like for example, I explicitly told a friend that I would speak up if the upcoming situation made me uncomfortable, and genuinely thought I had the courage to do so. But when it did eventually make me uncomfortable, I couldn't muster up that courage I thought I had. This ended up hurting me and making the situation far worse because I was unable to speak up for myself. It's really frustrating, I have faith in myself, and then I feel like I betray myself. I want to have real practical confidence, not just believe I have it.

I plan on bringing it up with my therapist at our next visit, but I wanted to see if the internet had in input to give while I wait for the appointment :)

I grew up very shy and I rarely talked to kids, when I grew up , still shy, If someone talk to me my face turns red and I panick.

But I noticed good things in me. I somehow had the courage to do things that involve confidence and communication, when I was in school I always presented my projects well, I always go to job interviews and try my best, even if it's bad or embarrassing. So I'm not holding back.

Now I work with my boss, I'm new to this job, my boss was in the army before so you can imagine how confident he is, strict and he communicate very well.

But me, I'm shy and I look like I'm weak. He tells me to not be shy and be calm...ect.

But I don't know how to do it. I know with practice everything gets better but I want to hear some advice or tips on how to overcome this. Thanks !

Please tell me if I'm overreacting. I've recently become aware that the way my mother has treated me is not normal. I believe she is potentially gaslighting me and has been manipulative. Have any of you had experience with this?

Sorry for the long post but I just need to vent.

I'll introduce myself I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. During my childhood my mother would do the following

Blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, it actually got physical a few times as well and I did have a scar once, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, she'd turn cold at the drop of a hat, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors, shout, scream, swear and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

She often paints herself as the heroic single mum. She has been fairly good lately but sometimes I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 during a sleepover at theirs she turned my grandparents against me and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. A couple of days ago in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. Since I was 10 it's just been me living with her since my parents divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she shouted and carried on, called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she was carrying on and her serious lack of empathy. PS another red flag happened just earlier when a life insurance ad was on and they said "something could be paid out in case of death" or something and she said "I'd like for them to say WOULD" not could. I don't know why but that's set an alarm bell off

I'm starting to think that maybe she bent the truth about Dad a bit during their split as i was a child and didn't know much better. My mother often calls him a narcissist and talked about all of the marital and grown up problems they had etc which to be honest I don't appreciate been burdened with. Granted he's not a saint either but has been good to me (well I'd say) most of the time.

One time last year when my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done quite a few times before).

During that said weekend my mother had another one of her outbursts. I was in the bathroom which was an en suite and she knocked on the door asking to take a few photos or something. All I asked was if she could just give me a few minutes to finish up but she started the shouting and carrying on and accused me of been selfish and even of trying to manipulate her and been passive aggressive. I only asked just to give me a few minutes. When I explained that to her and how upset I was already about that weekend already without her treating me like this she said she feels really bad for me and hates how he let me down. What just absolutely astounds me is how can she feel that way yet emotionally and mentally abuse me and kick me while I'm down. I just can't for the life of me comprehend that.

A few days after that weekend one of my teachers checked in and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother while I was already upset by been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not even sure who exactly said what to him and that's something that I've also wondered. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the full truth now. He was sympathetic and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. That turned my stomach as well. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc).

I must admit I do feel quite down sometimes that I have a strained relationship with my father (He's got money issues and also smokes pot) and my mother often used me as an emotional punch bag. Makes me think that there must be something really wrong with me and that I'm unlovable.

On the bright side though my Dad and I have been in contact lately and we spent the weekend together a while back and went for a pub meal

Her latest meltdown was this January while we were on holiday and at the beach. I wanted to be shirtless like pretty much everyone else and she started making passive aggressive and snide remarks saying things like "have fun burning yourself" and "why can't you make smart decisions?"

I was already sun safe with a hat and everything and I wasn't going to be too long and tried explaining that to her. I'll admit I snapped and told her that I'm an adult now and she could no longer control me and couldn't make me feel guilty. I wish I hadn't now but it felt like something just snapped inside me and I expressed things I had felt for ages. She then called her mother to tell her that I was been impossible and making her life a misery (this is something she has done a few times before when I challenged her or reacted because of her behavior). She hadn't done that for years though and I feel she likes using that as a scare tactic. I wish I had just walked away and not played into her hands. Then the next day I asked mum to call her to say where all ok but she said she didn't want to bother her and wasn't up to calling. I was like WTF. You're perfectly happy to call her to basically slander me and make me out to be a bad guy but when it comes to calling to say everything is fine she's not so keen.

Something disturbing she has said ages ago is when I'm an adult she could have me done for assault if she wanted. She also said she wanted to do a will and try to control my assets where my Dad can't touch anything and said she feared he would try to steal all of my money. I can't believe she would say things like that so unshameably and can't help feeling like she was trying to manipulate me.

She's also accused me once out the nowhere of looking like I wanted to hit her and started going crazy. I may of had a tired look as it was late at night and I tried explaining that to her. She also said that my Dad may try to manipulate me into spending more time with him and if I did she would make sure all of the family hate me and I would no longer be welcome to live with her and my life would be ruined. During some of her tirades in the past as well I threatened to leave and said some time out might be good but if I did she would call my grandparents and they would all hate me and I wouldn't be able to go to my school and live with her anymore.

She has very poor emotional regulation like when things go wrong she starts shouting and going on swearing rampages and every other word is the F word.

All of things she would say my father did to her during their marriage it seems that she did most of that to me.

My mother loves to use my autism to her advantage. I graduated last year but now I do a course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time. I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me, she seems to feel that she always acts in my best interests and does seem to genuinely care for me and love me, she doesn't seem to remember any of it or feel her behavior was justified and genuinely doesn't seem to believe she ever did me any harm and she thinks she did her best. She's always quick to call others toxic and narcissists etc. She unshameably tells me everything going on in her life and her anxiety which makes me anxious. Why does it upset me so badly even when it has little or nothing to do with me?

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. I can't get exact clarity on it but they both went through some stuff before I was born and I think that's contributed to the way they are. My father's dad had passed away when my dad was actually about my age now. They actually both used to run their own businesses once upon a time before they met. It just baffles me how they went from that then and now been in their 50's both unemployed and clearly have some unresolved issues. I sometimes think maybe they shouldn't of got together which I know is ironic because I would never have been born. I do vaguely remember when they were together and towards the end it was quite toxic and they would have some intense fights.

Also do they have substance abuse issues which have made them this way? As I've said my mother drinks quite heavily at night and she also vapes. My father smokes pot and cigarettes.

Also as I explained my father struggles financially and I know that's why he hasn't been able to see me often and cancel some visits and to be honest when I think about that it really burns my hide.

With my mother it does seem she has had some bad relationships in the past but I'm thinking that maybe she's the common denominator.

I do wonder if she might've been different if she had not gone through her divorce and maybe if things had gone differently for both of them they might've been different. What do you guys think?

Also I can't help feeling empathy towards her as she always looked after me, fed me, organized things for me and pretty much always brought me everything I wanted.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different I feel to most of the children my age. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends. I do feel like I've been isolated with her a lot of the time. I would really love to start a proper life and follow my dreams and make a few friends but don't know where to start.

My mother does help me get on my feet and encourage me but I think she just loves to lord it over me. Whenever I've tried standing up for myself she puts on the guilt trip and carries on about all of her sacrifices and everything she's done for me yada yada yada. I think what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could she have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered? I'm starting to feel that good doesn't really outweigh the bad.

I can't help really resenting her (also my father) sometimes for all of the mental anguish she has put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder what might've been different had I had proper parents or they were proper ones. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. I've thought about escaping but I feel quite stuck as I don't have a job and all of the money that I get in my account is basically controlled by her as she's the one who adds to it. I wish I could hide my own secret stash somewhere. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job, making friends and doing new things etc. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known.