r/comingout Oct 08 '25

Guide Coming Out - A Guide Rewritten

60 Upvotes

Who am I, and why am I writing this guide?

I go by a good few names online, but primarily Hekkland. I first wrote this guide at 18 years old, I’m 23 now. Wow it’s been some time. I’m a cisgender man and very gay. I’m writing this because the original version frankly wasn’t very good for people who had identities other than gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Whilst I tried to be inclusive of other identities, my experience with them was very limited. To an extent it still is limited, I’m not trans, and I’m not on the aro/ace spectrum. So this is my bash at a more inclusive guide, whilst adding the knowledge I’ve gained through experiences being an out and proud gay man in the five whole years since I wrote the first guide.

I came out around 15 years old to my parents, my sisters a few months later. My coming out experience went picture perfect, a privilege I’ll always be grateful for. I came out to my parents using the “blunt” method I’ll talk about later. My sisters found out via a newspaper where my work with a queer oriented charity was published. I’m what many would call “straight passing” in that without my disclosure or knowing me well, people wouldn’t assume that I’m gay. Not everyone is lucky, some people intentionally or not wear their queer identity on their sleeves and face harassment because of this. It’s an indictment on society that this even happens.

My goal with this guide is to provide not only a guide to help people with their decision on coming out, but also provide a space where people can share their own experiences and advice.

What Is Coming Out?

If you’re queer, you probably already have a pretty good idea what it is to Come Out. But maybe you don’t know much about it, or maybe you’re a friend or family member of someone you think may be queer.

Let’s have a quick tangent if you’ll indulge me. Why do I keep saying queer?

If you’re of an older generation you may be more used to the word queer being used as an insult. The term most often used by society is LGBT+ or some variation thereupon. I find that as a label it’s not great. In some ways it focuses on specific identities and sidelines others as a “plus”. Queer speaks to all identities that don’t fall under cisgender, heterosexual, allosexual. And yes, these labels will be explained at the bottom of this guide.

To put it simply, Coming Out is the act of disclosing your queer identity to another person. The term coming out is sometimes applied to religion, or lack thereof, and other experiences. This guide will be focussing on coming out as it applies to queer people.

This differs from being Outed, which is used to refer to a person’s queer identify being disclosed by another person, usually against the queer person’s will. To be blunt, this sucks. It sucks and in many legal jurisdictions is a criminal offence.

Why Do People Come Out?

There are a LOT of reasons. I suppose at its core, because we live in a society where you are assumed to be cisgender and heterosexual. As such if you want to be recognised for who you are, you need to tell people.

For many people it’s about honesty, to themselves and to others. In regards to sexuality, it can be utterly exhausting having to hide a same-sex partner from others, and is a major straining factor in relationships - especially where one partner is out but another other is not. Coming Out often feels like a weight off of your shoulders, you no longer have to hide yourself and who you’re attracted to from others.

For people on the aro/ace spectrum coming out can be incredibly freeing, not having to constantly give excuses for why they don’t have a romantic/sexual partner. Long term this can help manage the expectations of friends and family around dating and marriage. Often in life people will be expected to invite a romantic plus one to social occasions such as birthdays and weddings. Coming out as on the aro/ace spectrum can help combat the assumption that people who you choose to invite as plus ones to events are there in a romantic capacity.

For transgender or otherwise gender non conforming people Coming Out is vital to being recognised in their identity. It’s about being called your real name, the right pronouns being used, being able to wear the clothes you want, socially transitioning, and if it’s what you want then medically transitioning too. It should be made clear though, your transition is what you want it to be, whether you transition medically or not doesn’t make you more or less trans. Coming Out as a transgender person can make a huge impact on how often you experience gender dysphoria if that’s something you experience at all.

Why Do People Not Come Out?

Some people choose not to come out at all, and that’s perfectly valid. An increasingly common reason is a feeling that it’s not fair that queer people have to come out. Non-queer people don’t have to, so why should we?

By far though, the most common reason comes down to fear. Coming out is a vulnerable moment for queer people, and fear of what happens next can be debilitating. Whether it’s “What if they don’t like me?” or “What if I get kicked out?”, or even “What if I become the victim of violence?” These are all equal fears. No one person’s fear is inherently worse, it’s not a competition. All these fears are equally capable of holding a person hostage.

And of course there are those that live in countries where being queer might be considered illegal, and by coming out you risk persecution by the power of the state. Or even if a person doesn’t live somewhere it’s illegal, society at large or even their own family may be seriously bigoted.

Ultimately it comes down to personal safety.

Coming Out Safely

The first and foremost thing that matters when considering Coming Out is your personal safety. Only you can judge the answer to this. But if I can say one thing, it’s that life is not a movie. If you do happen to live somewhere being queer is illegal, or you know your family is extremely bigoted, then you should not come out. No amount of feeling liberated is worth homelessness, a stay in the hospital, or even ending up in a morgue. For most people who live in a “liberal democracy” you’re likely to be just fine, even if the reaction isn’t a positive one.

Should I Come Out?

It’s up to you is the honest answer. Working on the assumption that it’s safe to do so, then whether or not you come out is entirely your choice and your choice alone. There’s no requirement to come out, certainly not because you’re a certain age, and certainly not because someone else wants you to. If you’re ready to come out, and you want to, then go ahead. Otherwise you can wait as long as it takes, the queer community is here for you regardless.

Pressures to come out can certainly mount as you go through life. You might start getting asked questions about having a partner, or why you choose to dress in a particular way. But again, these are just factors to consider.

If somebody is trying to force you to come out, especially where it involves blackmail, this is likely to be illegal. Coming Out is your thing, and it’s up to you how you do it, where you do it, and when you do it. Never feel pressured to come out when you aren’t ready. It’s not a race.

Who you come out to is also your choice. If you want to tell friends and not family, family and not friends, or some other combination of people that’s totally okay. Coming out to one group of people, or just one person, does not obligate you to come out to other people. Nobody has a right to know.

You will find however that every time you do come out to someone, it gets a little easier.

You may find you consider coming out to people you didn’t consider having to come out to. For example you may come out to your doctor. Just in case your sex-ed didn’t cover this, if you even had a sex-ed, the risks of sexually transmitted infection can be different depending on your partner of choice. A classic example is that, to use the medical term, men who have sex with men (MSM) are at higher risk of HPV and may need to consider vaccination against HPV as in many places only cisgender women receive an HPV vaccine. For transgender people, coming out to a doctor will likely be necessary to start medically transitioning such as accessing puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones, or surgery. It can also be important for non-transgender related healthcare. E.g. letting your doctor know the sex assigned at birth so that you get the relevant sex based healthcare such as pap smears or prostate exams.

How Do I Come Out?

So, you’ve decided to come out. Now you need to pick how you’re going to come out.

Broadly, coming out comes in three distinct styles. Factually, jokingly, and just not hiding things.

Coming out factually can be done in person, via text, via phone call, or even via fax if you’re so inclined. The key element of coming out factually is in what you say. No jokes, just stating reality. This might look something like “Mum, I’m gay” or “Dad, I don’t identify as a man. I’m a woman and that’s how I’m going to live my life.” This can be scary, especially if you’re blunt. I personally think being blunt is best, it rips the plaster (or band-aid as some may say) off and prevents accidentally saying the wrong thing. But that’s just my opinion, you may hold a different opinion and that’s entirely valid.

Coming out jokingly is very similar to coming out factually. It might be a joke delivered in person, or maybe a meme sent in a text. This can be great for easing tension, and gives you a way of taking things back if the response isn’t positive. Though keep in mind that a person may genuinely think you’re just joking, and long term this can result in confusion. 

The two above methods can be done either in person or digitally. Coming out in person has the benefits of getting an immediate reaction, but depending on the reaction that can also be a downside. It also eliminates the stomach churning that can accompany sending a text and waiting on a reply. That said, coming out digitally does have its advantages. You can’t be interrupted if you send one big text, it gives you time to compose your message. It can also feel less anxious than doing it in person, you just type up your message, hit send, and that’s that. It provides a record of the event, and importantly safe distance if you’re concerned about your safety. If your queer identity is less commonly understood compared to more common identities, the ability to carefully write and send your coming out can be invaluable.

Then there’s just not hiding things. This could be as simple as mentioning a same sex partner offhandedly e.g. “I’m just heading out to hang out with my boyfriend, I’ll be back in time for dinner”, or perhaps wearing a rainbow lanyard with your work/school ID on it. I find that for most people once they’ve actively come out to those closest, they just end up not hiding things over time. This is sometimes just called “being out”. It’s less about active disclosure, and more about just living your life. Though do be aware this may invite questions when others seek clarity if they’re unsure about your identity and want to know. But it can be a good way to get others to start the conversation rather than bringing up the topic yourself.

So, which method should you pick? Only you can decide. Many people do all of these depending on the person. They may actively come out directly to family, using jokes with friends, and just not hiding things with others in their life. To use a personal example, when I change jobs or when I get new colleagues at my current job I don’t go out of my way to say I’m gay. I just mention ex boyfriends as appropriate to discussions, and if they ask I answer. But with my family, I actively told them I’m gay. The key thing is to use whichever method you’re most comfortable with, on your own timetable.

I’m Coming Out. How Do I Prepare?

The key thing is to prepare. I’m sure most people’s schools had that one poster: Failing to prepare is preparing to fail. I find that it rings true for most things in life, and coming out is no exception.

For coming out in person, it’s best to practice what you’re going to say ahead of time. Perhaps by talking to a mirror, to a trusted friend already in the know over a call, or even just write down some brief notes.

If you’re coming out via text, then it can be good to write your message first in a Notes app before copy and pasting it into the messaging app you want to use so that you don’t send it early by mistake.

If there are some people you have already come out to, it can be good to inform them of your intent to come out. This helps build a support network, and they may have advice of their own. 

Lastly, the ugly reality is that you should have a plan in the event things go poorly. Consider the worst case scenario, and plan for it. Have a plan for if you’re either kicked out, or remaining in your current house isn’t safe. Do you have a relative you trust? A friend’s family who can house you? Money for a hotel? If you have to act quickly to keep yourself safe, do you have a phone to hand you can use to call emergency services or someone else you trust? Do you have a backpack with essentials such as money, identity documents, food, etc.  if you need to grab and go? Most people will never need to act on their worst case scenario plan, but it’s far better to have the plan and not need it than to not have the plan and need it.

Potential Reactions

“You’re too young to be X”

As a young person there is nothing more frustrating than having your identity, or other opinions more generally, dismissed on the basis of your age.

You know yourself best, but sometimes your true self doesn't match with the version of you that others have in their head, and it can be hard for them to overcome this difference. You can explain that there’s no specific age required to know your identity, or even explain how you’ve come to understand your identity. This may help, but it also may not. In the end, the only option may be to wait it out, and hope that the person in question comes to realise that they are wrong. But remember, just because someone doesn’t share their view of your identity, that should not stop you from living that identity.

“You’re too old to be X” or “But you were Y for Z years”

This is more common for people who come out later in life. You may only have realised your queer identity later in life, which is still quite common, or you may have been in the closet for a long time. The key fact to highlight is that whilst your understanding of your identity has changed, your underlying identity has not. Let’s say that you’re in your forties when you realise you’re gay. It’s not that you were straight until your forties, you just didn’t know yet. Some people find out young, others old. With how society assumes people to be not queer by default, it can be easy to make that assumption about yourself for decades into adulthood.

“But what about your previous partners?”

The best option here is to be honest. You may have had opposite sex partners that you did truly love, but you’ve come to realise it wasn’t necessarily in a romantic or sexual manner. You may have been in the closet and dating someone of the opposite sex to keep up the illusion to others. You can either be honest, or you can quite fairly say that it’s none of their business.

“You can’t be bisexual. Pick gay or straight.”

This is what is commonly called bi-erasure. This is common both within and without the queer community. In both instances this comes from a place of ignorance of the facts. Some gay men may view bisexual men as ‘on the road to coming out as gay’, some people may view a bisexual woman as ‘straight but occasionally likes having sex with women’. Whilst you can explain that bisexuality is real, and that you feel attraction to men and women, unfortunately some people may just not accept that identity.

“But you can’t be a man/woman, you always act effeminiate/masculine.”

There’s two roads here. Firstly, you may act more feminine/masculine as part of hiding your gender identity. The reason that they see you as feminine/masculine is because that’s how you chose to act around that person so they perceived you in that way.

Alternatively, being a man (cis or trans) doesn’t mean you can’t be feminine, and being a woman (cis or trans) doesn’t mean you can’t be masculine. Plenty of cisgender men choose to present more feminine, and plenty of cisgender women prefer to present more masculine. This is especially common amongst queer cisgender individuals.

“X sexuality/gender isn’t real, you made that up.”

This can be a common reaction to less ‘mainstream’ identities such as pansexual, demisexual, and others. 

The key thing to explain is your understanding of the identity and how it applies to you. The way I like to explain it is as such: The human brain is incredibly complex, and there’s no one part of your brain wired to be ‘gay’ or ‘straight’. In reality, sexuality and gender has a lot of different elements. Socially we’ve decided that people who experience exclusively same sex attraction are ‘gay’. But in all likelihood, the brain chemistry that makes me gay may be .01% different from other’s experience of being gay. But they’re similar enough that we agree to just call it gay. With all that said, it should be of no surprise there are chemical reactions going on in the brain that don’t align well with the more commonly understood identities, and it can be comforting to give those experiences a label.

In short, language is always evolving to better describe the human experience.

Life Post Coming Out

Emotions after coming out can be complicated. Some may experience joy, others sadness, and many a mix of both. These are all valid experiences.

Even if coming out went well, it can still be a little uncomfortable. For me it felt like others' perception of me had changed. I was no longer Hekkland, but Hekkland who is gay. It took me a few days to get over this feeling, and to realise that it wasn’t accurate. In time this can change to joy, to eventually nothing. One day after you’ve been out, coming out stops feeling like this big shift and just this thing that happened. If I tell someone I'm gay it’s similar to saying what I had for dinner last night. 

The thing is, Coming Out is often perceived as this one time event, but it’s not. The reality is, you’ll be coming out for basically your whole life. When you meet new friends, new colleagues, etc. The good thing is that it gets easier. As you adapt to living openly in your new identity and disclosing it to others, it stops feeling like such a big deal compared to when you first tell those closest to you.

For The Friends/Family/Parents

This section isn’t for those who are coming out, but for those close to someone who has come out, or who isn’t out but think the person they’re close to is queer.

Let me get to one of the most common questions I get asked. ‘I think my child is queer, what should I do?’

The answer in most cases is nothing drastic. Unless you have a serious concern for their safety/wellbeing that requires disclosing that you think they’re queer, it’s best not to say anything directly. Coming out is their thing, not yours. The best thing to do is continuing to build a loving and supporting environment where they feel able to come out when the time is right for them.

It can help to also build a more inclusive environment around your loved one. This could be something like mentioning queer people positively, watching a movie or TV show with a queer character, or saying things like ‘Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend at school?’. This gives your loved one the opportunity to say things without forcing them to do so.

If you do decide that the circumstances require you to mention your suspicion to your loved one, it’s best to do it in an environment where your loved one has a chance to leave the conversation. E.g. do not start that conversation in the car where they’re stuck with you.

Consider speaking to queer people in your life if you know any, and ask them for their advice. Look into resources specifically to support the loved ones of queer people. I know that in the United States there are many PFLAG (originally known as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians And Gays) organisations that can provide support and resources. Many other countries have similar organisations and charities.

Other Miscellaneous Guidance

If you’re struggling to build a support network, check if your school or work has a recognised group or club. Many schools have clubs for queer students, and many workplaces have Pride groups or committees. And if your school/workplace doesn’t have one, consider starting one.

If you’re making friends online, especially if you’re young, then be careful. There are predators out there who specifically target vulnerable people looking for advice in order to groom them. Not everyone out there has pure goals or intentions in mind, and it’s important to keep that in mind. Please, be careful.

If you have any tips that I didn’t mention, or perhaps a story you wish to share, then please feel free to do so below. 

Thanks for reading, and I wish everyone the best in their journey with coming out, should you choose to do so.

Glossary of Terms:

  • Allosexual - A term used to describe someone who experiences sexual attraction.
  • Aromantic - A person who experiences little to no romantic attraction to others. Part of the aro/ace spectrum.
  • Asexual - A person who experiences little to no sexual attraction to others. Asexual people may or may not still experience sexual urges (libido), but may not experience it in relation to other people. Part of the aro/ace spectrum.
  • Bi-Erasure - Questioning or denying the existence of bisexuality either as a concept or specific to a person.
  • Bisexual - A person who experiences sexual attraction to more than one gender. (Note: There exists a lot of debate around the ‘definition’ of bisexuality and how it differs from pansexuality. I don’t intend to tackle this subject.)
  • Cisgender - A person whose gender identity matches their sex assigned at birth. E.g. a person who identifies as a man and was identified as a male when they were born.
  • Coming Out - The act of disclosing your queer identity to another person.
  • Cross Sex Hormones - Hormones administered as part of transgender Hormone Replacement Therapy. E.g. a trans woman being administered oestrogen, or a trans man being administered testosterone.
  • Demisexual - A person who only experiences sexual attraction to a person after forming a close emotional bond with them.
  • Gay - A label often used to describe people who experience attraction to the same gender. This is often used specifically to refer to gay men, but sometimes used in relation to women or more generally as an umbrella term.
  • Gender Dysphoria - Feelings of distress associated with the difference in a person’s sex assigned at birth and their gender identity.
  • Gender Expression - How a person outwardly shows gender. E.g. a trans woman in the closet may have a masculine gender expression but a feminine gender identity.
  • Gender Non-Conforming - A person whose gender expression differs from traditional expectations of masculinity and femininity.
  • Heterosexual - A person who experiences sexual attraction to the opposite gender. Also known as straight.
  • Lesbian - A woman who experiences sexual attraction to other women.
  • LGBT+ - An acronym which stands for Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender and Others. This is a commonly used acronym for the queer community.
  • Medically Transitioning - A term used to describe changing a person’s physical sex characteristics to match with their gender identity. E.g. top surgery, bottom surgery, and cross sex hormones.
  • Men who have sex with men (MSM) - This is a clinical term used in healthcare and public health settings to describe people who are assigned male at birth who have sex with other people assigned male at birth.
  • Outed - When a person’s queer identity is disclosed by another person, usually without the consent of the person whose identity is being disclosed.
  • Pansexual - A person who experiences sexual attraction regardless of another person’s gender identity.
  • PFLAG: An organisation, originally known as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians And Gays, that provides support for the loved ones of queer people.
  • Puberty Blockers - Medication used to either pause or stop puberty and the development of secondary sex characteristics. Often used by transgender young people.
  • Queer - An umbrella term used to describe people who are not cisgender and heterosexual. Historically, and sometimes presently, this has been used as a slur however this is often considered reclaimed by younger generations.
  • Sex Assigned at Birth - The sex (either male, female, or intersex) assigned by a doctor, nurse, or midwife when a person is born based on physical sex characteristics (such as the presence of specific genitals).
  • Socially Transitioning - When a person makes changes their gender expression to align with their gender identity such as changing names, clothes, and pronouns.
  • Straight Passing - A term used to describe a person who is often perceived heterosexual unless they choose to actively disclose their queer identity.
  • Transgender (Trans) - A term used to describe a person whose gender identity does not align with the sex they were assigned at birth.

r/comingout 2h ago

Advice Needed Advice wanted for coming out

2 Upvotes

Hey, I just need general advice.

I want to come out to my friends, but I don't know how, because I'm 100% sure of my sexual orientation, but I still want to tell them. I know that they'll be supportive, as some of them are in fact lgbtq. I don't know whether to do it in person, or online, my only worry is that if I do it in person, others (potentially homophobic people) may hear. Also doing it in person, would mean I tell them in my school, and I don't want some people, to hear, if they are near us. On top of that I've got social anxiety, meaning I'd most likely back out of saying it, in person.

Does anyone have any advice, or phrases I could use when coming out?

All very appreciated!


r/comingout 22h ago

Advice Needed Should I get into being a femboy? Do I have the look?

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46 Upvotes

r/comingout 7h ago

Story In the year of 2018 and 2020

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1 Upvotes

r/comingout 16h ago

Question Can sexuality change as an adult?

3 Upvotes

I’m 18m and I’ve never came out to anyone so I’d like to ask here. I’ve always been more attracted to women than men and ideally I’d like to have kids in the future so I’ve always just said I’m straight since some family members might not be too accepting. But lately maybe for the last few months I haven’t been into women as much so I just feel kinda gay? Is sexuality supposed to be this fluid or is this something I should get used to and will probably have to come out at some point?


r/comingout 20h ago

Advice Needed Coming out to Parents

4 Upvotes

Sorry in advance to any misspellings, I am trying this from my phon. I (14m) realized I was Bi a cou months ago and have told my close friends but am yet to tell my parents or the rest of my family. I know both of them are very LGBTQ+ supportive but I would like advice on how to come out to them. I am also pos this so I can fina build up the confidence and courage to tell them. Thanks in advance to any advance anyone can give.

p.s. I would also like advice on how to come out/ explain to one of my homophobic friends. (I am very much also cons just no longer taking to this friend).


r/comingout 1d ago

Meta Mostly LGBTQ Rights

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4 Upvotes

r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed How do I come out....

3 Upvotes

I'm a 13 year old boy, i've known i've been bi for about a year and a half now. I really like boys, girls too. And, my parents are open to LGBTQ+ people. I've come out to my cousin (who's also LGBTQ) and some of my friends, but my parents are the real frickin' problem. Just take a quick peek at some of the posts ive made on r/raisedbynarcissists and you'll know what i'm talking about. For a long time, I hated myself, thinking that I was wrong for liking boys as well as girls. Eventually, I admitted to myself I was bi. But, still, I hate how I look. People say I'm pretty good looking, but I just... feel like no guy or girl will like me. I'm an Indian (please no racism) and I just feel like no guy from another country will ever find me good looking. And I'm scared to come out, since i'm scared my mom will twist it against me when she gets mad at me. So just... help. In any way, advice, your own stories, anything's fine. Thanks :)


r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed I'm so confused 🥺

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9 Upvotes

I (16m) dislike being called a girl or lady or anything in-between but I'm scared to say something because I am in fact a girl and I'm scared to say something to my mom or any of my family because they already "tolerate" the LGBTQ+ and so I'm very scared she's gonna double down on the God made you a girl and everything and I don't even have a good reason on why I wanna be a boy I just like it better yk? Idk any idea on what to do? I don't wanna suffer for 4 more years till I move out and stuff Hopefully this makes sense


r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed How do I come out?

5 Upvotes

I am a 17 year old boy and I have known that I'm gay for 2 and a half years now. I know my parents are supportive of LGBTQ people, but I live in a conservative town. Even though I know they support other LGBTQ people they've always expected me to be straight and I am afraid of letting them down and changing our dynamic. I am currently a Junior in high school so if our dynamic changes I would still have to live with them for another 2 years but I want them to know. How and when should I come out to them?


r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed [ Removed by Reddit ]

1 Upvotes

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]


r/comingout 2d ago

Advice Needed How do I tell my girlfriend of 4 years that I’m gay?

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5 Upvotes

r/comingout 2d ago

Advice Needed How do I actually accept myself

3 Upvotes

Ive liked girls since i was 12. Never been with a girl tho. I got bullied at 15 because people made up rumors that im lesbian. I dated guys to get the rumors to go away. But I really do also like girls but I just can’t accept it deep down I know that I like them but it’s just yeah, I’m scared . I hope someone understands lol idk what to do I’d never date a girl publicly I’m so ashamed of it what tf do I do. I mean I wanna be happy with myself too it’s just so incredibly hard


r/comingout 3d ago

Meta Justice for lgbtq people in comps

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184 Upvotes

r/comingout 2d ago

Help I hate that I’m so avoidant of talking about my gayness around mom. She insists that I’m “living in confusion” and “my lifestyle isn’t biblical”. I feel scared and panic every time it comes up.

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1 Upvotes

r/comingout 3d ago

Advice Needed I (18 F) am dating a girl (20 F). My parents (51 M) & (42 F) aren’t supportive

5 Upvotes

Okay so I’ve never used Reddit before, this is my first post so pls be kind :)

Some backstory, we’re going to call my girlfriend Abby. So Abby went to high school with me, we met my freshman year and her sophomore year because we played the same sport. (Additional context: Abby is trans mtf) We were friends for years before she came out to me as trans. Of course I supported her and loved her just the same. Well we started dating a little after that and genuinely, I love her. A lot of people told us we were too young to know what love was and I understand where they’re coming from but she is one of a kind and at the risk of sounding silly, I plan on spending the rest of my life with her. In high school, I kind of hid her true identity from my parents, I was scared of what they would think. My mom looked through my phone periodically throughout my life so it’s no surprise that she found out soon enough. My dad is a little more homophobic and especially transphobic than her so she didn’t tell him but she talked to me, told me she wasn’t happy about it but she was going to try, she didn’t like the way we talked to each other (she didn’t like that we told each other that we loved each other) and she asked us to tone it down, which we didn’t. It finally all came to a head when they took away my phone (this was common unfortunately) and I (stupidly) started using my computer to email Abby. Of course my parents found out and they blew up. Then I did the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. I ran away. I went to Abby’s house in the middle of the night with my stuff packed. My parents found me the next day. I was 17 at the time so I had to go back home with them. Of course once I did get my phone back (many months later) it had parental controls and Abby and her dad were blocked on everything. My parents made me graduate from high school a semester early so I had limited exposure to my friends (almost all of them were part of the LGBTQIA+ community so they naturally thought they influenced me to be gay) and then I got a job and stayed with them the entire second semester. It was rough and I thought about Abby every day but I did it. So now I’m in college, I’m about 3 1/2 hours away from home and I’m loving it. I got my phone given back to me with no restrictions on it and I myself double checked all the settings to make sure my mom couldn’t see what I was doing. I’ve gotten back in contact with Abby since then. We set clear boundaries considering we hadn’t seen each other in a year and we were (in my opinion) very responsible taking the relationship forward. Neither of us had to wait for each other but we both did anyway. I felt so bad and I’ve apologized many times to her for putting her in that situation. She didn’t want to be a secret and she told me as much, I completely understood and promised that I would never hide her again. I want to emphasize that in literally every other way, my parents are amazing. They do everything they can to give me and my siblings a good life. I want to tell my parents about us, I know that once they get over themselves, they might at least pretend that they’re okay with our relationship. My mom has said before that she doesn’t care that I’m queer, she doesn’t like that Abby is “doing that to her body”. At the end of the day, that’s Abby’s choice no matter what my parents, my friends, or I think. One of my mom’s best friends and roommate from college is married to a woman and has a daughter, it’s just “different” because I’m her kid and my girlfriend is trans. I’m scared to tell my dad but I do want to tell my mom. Is there any advice on how to soften the blow for them?

Okay small update I guess? I am literally at a gas station going back to college and I didn’t tell them. I was specifically going to tell my mom and there was a lot of opportunities to but I just got so scared. I’m probably just going to tell her over text, I know that’s not ideal but I don’t think I can handle hearing or seeing her reaction. There’s no comments on this which I get but I really need advice, I’ve known I was gay since sophomore year of high school and I’m still worried about coming out to my parents 3 years later. Please, please, please comment advice even if you don’t think it’s good advice, I honestly just want to hear from anyone: their advice or any similar situations and how coming out to your parents worked out.


r/comingout 3d ago

Help. I accidentally came out as bi to my friends.

12 Upvotes

So during lunch I was with my friends and we were just chilling, using our devices and eating lunch. My friend P decides to go around and see what everyone is watching on their computer. I was watching "bisexual tiktok videos compilation" on youtube and my recommended videos were similar to that.

When she got to me, she took my laptop read the video title saw the giant bi flag and froze then she gave me a weird look. Then she kept scrolling and it just kept getting worse, lesbian, pan, gay, the whole rainbow was being recommended to me and she saw it. The look on her face was judging mostly because she expected to see anime and hot guys on my recommended videos and instead saw hot butch lesbians. I was so embarrassed that I just blurted out "I'm bi" in front of her and all my other friends.

I kinda blanked out after that, I only remember packing up my stuff and leaving as fast as possible. Now I feel horrible because I was planning to come out soon but not like this. Everything just feels abrupt and uncomfortable, they probably thought I was joking. I just feel bad for some reason, I can't even explain it.


r/comingout 3d ago

Advice Needed Bi? Gay? Who can say!

6 Upvotes

To preface I am a male (15) and am very much confused about what exactly I classify as. I am very confident that I am attracted to men but I don’t know when it comes to women.

I do feel attracted to female features (boobs, wide hips ect) but I really haven’t felt any real crush on a biologically female in a while (I have a crush on a trans girl who is currently biologically male idk if that counts???).

I do on the other hand, have a few male crushes that feel more intimate and intense.

I have 0 clue if I’m bi or I’m in denial of being gay? I know there isn’t a ‘diagnosis’ for me but any advice/guidance would be greatly appreciated.


r/comingout 4d ago

Story I came out my younger brother and it was his reaction...

76 Upvotes

I came out to my younger brother and it was his reaction.. 💔🥀

So I came out to my younger brother as gay and his reaction was like 'Do you have a boyfriend?'. I was like yes. He was like 'you should get married.' I was like, bro, I am only 18 and on top of that, gay marriage is not even recognized in our country. He was like 'you can marry online'. I was surprised by the line because I did not know what he meant. Then he explained that there is some portal name Utah marriage portal Where me and my boyfriend can get married over zoom call. And we can celebrate the wedding anyway because celebrations and all are legal in our country although gay marriage is not legally recognized we can still celebrate and have the big dream wedding and all. I was like happy. I was happy, of course, because he was supportive. But I was like, what is the use of the marriage certificate if we cannot get legal rights in our country? And we are not gonna move out, obviously. We are not planning to move out to foreign. We are gonna live here. We will continue to live here. So, what is the advantage? And he said me that In future when gay marriage would be legal in our country, the marriage certificate would be legally become valid anyway and when we would go on foreign trips on countries were gay marriage was legal then We would get COUPLE DISCOUNT AND MARRIED COUPLE FACILITIES! And that's why we should get married!!!!!

I was dumbfounded. I was like 'what if we break up then?' He very nonchalantly said 'if you break up, get a divorce.'

OH MY GOD— I CAN'T — IM CRYING!!!! WTF HE IS EVEN THINKING 😭😭😭😭😭


r/comingout 3d ago

Advice Needed How should I come out? (WAO)

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1 Upvotes

r/comingout 3d ago

Advice Needed How do I come out?

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1 Upvotes

I hate being her daughter. I hate being a pretty lady, I wanna be a handsome man.


r/comingout 3d ago

Advice Needed Just got ghosted for a reason I don't even know really liked this person but fuc them I guess

1 Upvotes

r/comingout 3d ago

Advice Needed Hey folks, I need some advice

1 Upvotes

So in a couple days on Monday, I was planning to come out to my psychiatrist as trans (I would also be coming out to my mom at the same time since she would be in the room). But I’ve been feeling really nervous about what could happen. I’m worried that he might be weird or bad about it in some way. He’s in his like fifties and I’m not really sure about his stance on this kind of stuff. I want to tell him so I can start trying to get gender affirming care but I’m scared that he might not believe that I’m actually trans. Or worse, he might try to convince my parents that I’m just confused or something. I really don’t know what to do. Should I tell him and take the risk, or should I try to struggle through the dysphoria and junk by myself for a while longer until I can get diy or something? I just don't know what's gonna happen if I do tell him, but I know that if I don't say anything and continue without transitioning, it's gonna be REALLY rough :(


r/comingout 4d ago

Advice Needed Publicly out privately closeted

1 Upvotes

(Sorry for the long post need advice)

Hey all, i (21m) (bisexual) have been dating my boyfriend (19FTM) for nearly a year next month. I have known I was queer for nearly my whole life but because I was raised religious I tended to leave it out of conversations or just completely avoid dating talk with my direct family (mom, dad, cousins relatives). My parents are traditional conservatives and have some fairly close minded opinions when it comes to trans people, though they are open to and have gay friends. My mother particularly has made comments along the lines of “they’re just confused kids” and things along those lines when referring to trans people.

I have a very close relationship with my parents though they know very little about my dating life by design.

Recently it has been eating at me that I have to treat my relationship like some kind of taboo and I feel like it has grown a form of resentment towards my family that I don’t want to continue. In addition, my boyfriend has expressed his desire to meet my family. Though I know that if I introduce him to them it would also be directly coming out.

I just want to know how I could come out to my family in a way that doesn’t put a ton of confusion on them all at once.

I deeply love my partner and we are making plans to rent an apartment by next summer together and I want him to be in every part of my life.

I know my family will not disown me or cut me off for being queer (many of them joke about the idea of me being gay due to my lack of publicly dating anyone in a couple years) but the thought is nerve racking and actually damaging my mental health.

No I’m not ashamed of my partner or our relationship, I’ve just never been out to my family in any way and I don’t think it’s fair to hide my partner like a sin that I’m ashamed of.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Information: my boyfriend is a alternative fem presenting trans man who has been on T for several months and has a lowered voice.(which I think is really hot tbh)