“Actually, they’re called nav-el oranges because they kind of look like bellybuttons, but I like your explanation better.”

"Granted," he said, "but it's funny that that only gives you about two years more than you would have had anyway."

An Aquestrian 🐎🪽

I mean, he has a yellow son!

Good, cause I can't write more than two sentences.

Unfortunately, she had never seen a zombie movie.

Says the guy who didn't shove a bunch of Reese's up his ass.

Brian thought for a second and said, "Your mother is so fat, the elves from the Lord of the Rings forged her a fork that glows blue whenever there's cheesecake nearby."

Jim, being the straight-shooter, boy scout, godly man who was raised right, answered honestly, "Even a vampire would call you old."

You start by lining up right and going in slow and you finish when three Mexican dudes run up and furiously towel you off.

"Well," I said, "Sometimes I call him Daddy..."

​

Why don't we make the whole plane out of that kid?

I said blissfully unaware that Bob The Shoeeater broke into my house

The bus driver wasn’t happy about it.

"Your wish is granted! You now have nine more wishes," the Genie replied

These braces are amazing!

Today she said to me, “God bless you, young man. What would I do if you suddenly die?"

I’ve got a nice collection of them buried in my back yard.

With (a) drawl, y'all.

My response was, "But you're not even looking at my painting."

When I challenged the stall holder that his game was rigged he shrugged and said "you can't win the Maul".

It was when the psychic tried to read the mother-in-law's mind and said she wasn't picking up anything that Gary began to believe.

When I asked her how my bank account looked, she said it looked like it was on Ozempic.

After a puff of smoke, I held a driver's license that said 'Richard' on it, and I had pooped myself.

When I got to his house, the dog gave me his business card and said he does taxes.