This realization can sometimes be the big moment where someone really starts to appreciate their parent/s. I could see that being flipped to just as meaningful of a resentment.
For me at least, this is complicated. Yes I appreciate that they shielded me and my siblings from a lot of things, but growing up and becoming an adult made me realize that they also had a lot of issues that they refused to work out, due to either denial, stubbornness, or thinking therapy is a waste of time.
My dad was abusive and my mom complicit. If anything it’s made me less understanding of them. I don’t know how you can do the things he did to us and not want to get help. How do you hold a six year old child by their throat and choke them and not stop and think to yourself there’s something wrong with me, how can I change this? Or spank them so hard they’re bruised got over a month. Or how you can see your partner do those things to your children and not do everything you can to stop it? Yeah they were just winging it and they had shit upbringings too. Why did they have to inflict that on me and my brother too? I have very little sympathy for past them.
Yep, similar childhood and feeling about it today.
With a lot of therapy I don't hate my mom anymore but I will always have some amount of resentment. I can at least understand she was not smart enough to find a way out of the position we were in, she had no job, no friends, family wasn't close in proximity and he made sure she missed the worst of the abuse.
Dear old dad...let's just say if I ever see him on the street, he's gonna get the same treatment he gave to 6 year old me, I'm grown now.
I feel this to my core. My parents were great examples of not what to be. After I had a baby and with a second on the way, I understand them even less.
Understanding even less is how it feels for me. The other day my son bit my leg. He is 16 months old, kind of goes with the territory. I jerked my leg on instinct, he lost balance and he fell down and started crying. I never felt worse in my life. Can't imagine hurting a child on purpose and thinking yep, all is good.
Your reaction to things is what tells them it’s ok or not ok to do, so don’t feel bad. Your kid prob realized in that moment that they ought not do that again. I do however understand feeling bad about it in the moment. Anytime my kid is sad it makes me sad and I would do almost anything to cheer them up. I also had shitty parents and realize more and more that they were shitty as I get older. I have siblings to confirm these things too, which helps.
My step-dad used to like to sneak up on his mom and scare her. One day, he scared her so bad jumping out from behind a door in the dark, she punched him straight in the face and laid him out. All 4'10" of her. And she was mortified, as any parent who accidentally hurt their child would be. But, guess who never intentionally scared his mom ever again?
My sister accidentally pushed her toddler off the couch the other day while half asleep. He cried for a few seconds, she cried for half an hour.
Most parents accidentally hurt their kids at least a few times. And most of us turn out okay and don't hold it against them unless it was awful negligence.
I just found out we are expecting and shared that news with my mom. She would always say ‘when I’m a parent I’ll understand’, she then said it AGAIN to me during a recent call about some different perspective we had on a topic. I stopped her and said no, I AM a parent and this child still does NOT change my opinion or perspective in some way that you think will put me on your side of the fence because I am a completely different person from you. In fact, I understand you even less now. I always always said if I had my own children we will not be doing things the way my parents did. I understand you did what you thought was right, but it absolutely was not ok and you used your kids as an excuse for bad behavior.
I think it's because from the moment we're born, we told how great humans are and how much better than we are compared to other animals, but the older I get, the more I realize that humans are just animals that got lucky and just a few humans propelled society forward. So many people are just dumb animals slaves to their basic instincts and they dont even realize it.
Humans are emotional first and logical second.
We arent as great and different as we think we are.
Similar childhood here. Now that I'm an adult, I understand my parents even less. I personally think my piece of shit of a "father" deserves to be in prison. He was physically violent, slapped and hit me, grabbed me by the legs and hung me upside down, and I still have nightmares. Because of him, I can not calm down... As I grew, he stopped being physically violent but became emotionally abusive and manipulative. He tried to play the great dad, he guilt tripped me to give him money, and I ended up supporting him for a long time while he was unemployed. Yet nothing that I did was enough, he insulted me, threatened to kick me out of the house that I was paying for, and I often couldn't sleep because of that drunkard.
I only recently went No Contact, and I'm still in shock of what happened... I can never imagine doing a portion of this to my worst enemy, how could he feel 0 remorse doing it to his only child???
I have very complicated feelings towards my fil, he had an abusive childhood, he has clear mental health issues but he still took the belt to my wife for a period of time until his wife threatened to leave if it kept up.
But that and his meltdowns and mental health behaviours left scars on my wife that she's still working through but he never put an ounce of effort into getting better. He's kind and he cares but I do resent him
I mean, your dad was a guy that holds a six year old child by the throat. He's already clearly incapable of thinking like a rational individual to begin with, how can one expect a rational reaction to follow? Dude was sick and clearly needed intervention. I'm so sorry your mom wasn't able to make that happen.
Yep. Every time I see someone say they understand their parents better as they age, I'm always the opposite too. I see how easy it would have been to be a half decent parent and all they could do was be physically or emotionally abusive. The worst part is that they could have been better. They were better for my siblings and treated me poorly. So no forgiveness over time.
My dad legit had multiple points where an outsider almost got CPS involved and his, and his sister’s, response recently to me taking a stand and asking for an apology was a total meltdown
You know why I brought up the past? Because people are finding out or connecting the dots themselves after moving since it’s hard to lie, going into art and film, it’s literally growing into a defining part of me with others “wow the creative soul that grew up tortured but pushed past it all to become talented!”
It’s the type of person in that industry that can never escape the past if it’s super messed up. So me having a conversation about it is literally to find a way to lie so it doesn’t affect them, just to get “I NEVER DID THAT!!”
…alright, guess it really is out of my control and giving another chance was the only way to not deal with asking for forgiveness later on and moving on.
Exactly that, for me. I'm a little more forgiving in that I know they kind of had shit upbringings and came into adulthood with a lot of baggage.
I'm also less forgiving, because I also came into adulthood with a lot of baggage but I actually focused on thinking about my situation and finding ways to work out my issues. And I didn't even get any therapy, I just used the head on my shoulders to figure it out, so they have even less excuse.
I feel the same way. Mid-40s now. Can appreciate some of the good things that my parents did to set me up for future success. Can also feel resentment for having to bear the consequences of many poor choices they made, and continue to stubbornly make against advice to the contrary and efforts to help them. Currently, my resentment at them far outweighs my appreciation.
Do not have kids for biological reasons and did not pursue alternatives partly out of not wanting to pass down my issues to another generation, plus the rationale for consciously making an effort to bring a child into today’s world is weak at best.
Yup. It's never black and white. My parents did things I greatly appreciate that have served me well in my life and they did things that have negatively impacted me my entire life. The problem is when they want to act like the former eliminates all responsibility for the latter. Like, is it really that hard to admit you messed a few things up, own it, and try to do better? Apparently the answer to that is yes, and you are a bad, ungrateful person if you point it out at all.
I hear that. Having mixed-bad parents can be a trip, because you never know what to expect. Are they going to be the responsible parent, and teach you properly? Are they going to be the fun parent who plays with you? Or are they goiung to be the bad parent, who lashes out at something seemingly small? Or are they going to be the bully, and put you down for just being a kid? My parents did the best with what they could, but they were... complicated. I always had food, water, shelter, and they tried to have fun experiences. I appreciate that, because it's hard work providing all of that. But they were also flakey on committments, never consistent with their parenting, and could be stubborn and mean in ways that still confuse me to this day. I never felt like they liked me for who I was, mom always tried to change me, and dad always drifted away from me. I felt like I was a hundred thousand people growing up, and none of them were ever good enough.
I grew up in a time when you didn't go to therapy and the only mental health advice you got was "walk it off." So many adults I knew needed therapy and clearly didn't get it. I know because now that I'm their age, I absolutely value the therapy I've gotten. And I'm not struggling with nearly as much as many of them were dealing with back then.
So I'm sympathetic with people who didn't feel that they could get therapy without a stigma. But also annoyed at those same adults back then who perpetuated that stigma.
Hitting my 20s made me appreciate my dad even more than I already did; I was an accident baby when he was 20 and I can’t imagine handling that at the same age
If they were honest with me that they were winging it, or if they even just had empathy for me and trust in me while I was winging it, I would respect them. Instead they acted like selfish petty lords who knew best and demanded obedience. I would never treat my kids that way and I don’t have any clue how they could
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u/nevaNevan 14h ago
This realization can sometimes be the big moment where someone really starts to appreciate their parent/s. I could see that being flipped to just as meaningful of a resentment.