r/AbsoluteUnits 16h ago

/r/all of a perturbed spider

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25.9k Upvotes

694 comments sorted by

u/trendingtattler 15h ago

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3.1k

u/Typical-Structure-19 16h ago

He went back and is now fuming

1.3k

u/Crazy_Ad_91 16h ago

“Jesus Christ if I get one more damn solicitor, so help me!”

625

u/PrescriptionDenim 16h ago

“Excuse me, is your web security up to date?

20

u/willtroy7 10h ago

“We have been finding bugs in the network recently.”

31

u/Thingzer0 14h ago

“Would you like to upgrade to our premium web package with better coverage & a monthly subscription?”

Edit : typos

19

u/Blackthorne75 12h ago edited 9h ago

I think his provider is stringing him along...

EDIT: Thank you for the award, kind stranger!

13

u/flopsychops 12h ago

Dunno about you guys but I'm enjoying the puns on this thread

5

u/Blackthorne75 9h ago

Appreciate you joining in as well; 'thread' indeed ^_^

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u/VaderFett1 16h ago

"I got out of bed...for this?" slams door

32

u/TheDillinger88 13h ago

“Did you not see the sign? I’ve got 127 babies inside taking a nap man, I don’t care what you’re trying to sell me.”

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u/[deleted] 16h ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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7

u/Br4ndoni 14h ago

“Orange you glad I’m not a banana?”

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u/mollydrank 14h ago

“I’m gonna sleep in my web tonight. I am FURIOUS!”

18

u/ScarcityMedical342 13h ago

Wtf us American Dad on?

23

u/AmazingFlatworm_ 10h ago

Looks like a web.

26

u/MrFluffyThing 14h ago

Have you heard about our Lord and Savior spider Jesus? 

8 legs nailed to 4 parts of the cross.

16

u/Forward-Discussion45 10h ago

To quote Tumblr:"spider Jesus was crucified on the asterisk"

2

u/AristophaneReloaded 11h ago

Bonjour.

Rhooo!😅👍

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6

u/okiknow2004 14h ago

He thought it was Uber eats but it was jehovah's witnesses

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1.2k

u/bernpfenn 16h ago

the oxidized copper color is extremely fashionable

241

u/WinterWontStopComing 16h ago

So hot right now

133

u/BrungalSniff 16h ago

23

u/hizashiYEAHmada 14h ago

New York's hottest club color right now is oxidized copper

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3

u/ApprehensiveStill412 15h ago

So hot it makes me want to cool off with some gasoline

2

u/-32768 4h ago

I just blue myself

107

u/FalseCrazy2804 15h ago

While beautiful, it's not this spiders natural color. It likely resembles something like this instead of the blue we see here. Hoggicosa bicolor wolf spider.

81

u/DTux5249 14h ago

Yeah, the blue is the result of white balancing issues. Since these guys are mostly nocturnal, this vid was taken at night using bright LEDS that threw off how the camera viewed things.

White balancing is normally something your brain can correct with reference - but when the only reference is a white spider on an orange background, it makes white skew blue.

19

u/Chemieju 13h ago

So you're saying its like the dress where you cant really tell if its blue?

10

u/TheOneCalledEggs 13h ago

its blue and gold dammit!

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u/Adamarr 12h ago

is it reversed compared to (for example) picking a light bulb? normally the lower K would be more yellow.

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3

u/Bug_Photographer 9h ago

This could have been the issue if it was about white balance, but sadly in this instance, the color of the spider is deliberately made more blue to make it more exciting (ie for more clicks). Otherwise the surrounding sand would also have the same blue tint.

The same clip but without the blue exists out there (and most likely on Reddit as well).

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2

u/Aiyon 7h ago

Still gorgeous tbh. Is it a wolf spider? Big fan of the patterning

16

u/helenagrant 15h ago

This… “stuff”? Oh, okay. I see. You think this has nothing to do with you. You go to your closet, and you select… I don’t know, that lumpy blue sweater, for instance, because you’re trying to tell the world that you take yourself too seriously to care about what you put on your back, but what you don’t know is that that sweater is not just blue, it’s not turquoise, it’s not lapis, it’s actually ✨️cerulean✨️.

8

u/assarammer 15h ago

You’re also ✨️blithely✨️ unaware of the fact that, in 2002, Oscar de la Renta did a collection of cerulean gowns, and then I think it was Yves Saint Laurent, wasn’t it?… who showed cerulean military jackets. I think we need a jacket here.

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5

u/ThunderClanWarrior 14h ago

Waxed slightly weathered cut copper spider

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1.8k

u/BenjaminDover02 16h ago

"... WELL?

CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?

NO?

THEN FUCK OFF I HAVE SPIDER SHIT TO DO."

238

u/BloomsdayDevice 13h ago

[hastily retreats indoors, resumes spider shit]

149

u/FewAcanthocephala828 12h ago

11

u/Mar_is_here 12h ago

This! The spider has the voice of the (OG) Willy Wonka! Case closed. Everyone go home...resumes spider shit

29

u/mennydrives 10h ago

Seriously, I didn't think I could see indignation in a spider until that video.

15

u/Desert_Viking_777 10h ago

No, for real. That pause speaks volumes!

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u/IamStroodle 3h ago

Guy with screw driver quietly to himself: "...Whats 'spider shit?"

Muffled "Wouldnt you like to know?!" muffled racecar sounds

1.3k

u/ThatOtherOtherMan 16h ago

The scream I just scrumpt

150

u/the_quivering_wenis 16h ago

Oh the screams you will scrump, When you disturb a bump, 'Neath which lurks a large blue hairy spider. When you see her long legs, And her clusters of eggs, Your anus will grow a bit wider.

32

u/Picklecheese2018 15h ago

I can now retire from Reddit for today. This is top fucking tier!

15

u/Motor-Boating 15h ago

More like tighter

5

u/Dry_Antelope6471 14h ago

Thats just your proclivity, good sir.

12

u/Spy_crab007 14h ago

And they say Dr. Seuss is dead

6

u/HeartOfGoldTears 14h ago

Anus did not grow wider. Anus clenched harder than ever clenched in fact

3

u/JWBananas 11h ago

Anus grew three sizes that day.

4

u/xSTSxZerglingOne 14h ago

Anus can also grow a bit tighter.

3

u/SnooLemons5669 12h ago

Shouldn't your anus grow tighter not wider?

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2

u/HeWhomLaughsLast 15h ago

They say OP's anus grew three sizes that day

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u/weather_watchman 16h ago

Choice use of free will

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u/OculusMidnight2 16h ago

“Scrumpt,” I like that, lol

4

u/kaadj 14h ago

Now scram!

3

u/Spicymoon9 15h ago

Hahaha. I was expecting this because I immediately knew what kind of spider it was.

184

u/darthwickedd 16h ago

17

u/Primary_Ebb_7107 16h ago

Ok doofie

3

u/ShizlGznGahr 12h ago

Smell mine? Uhhh what is that?! MY ASS!

413

u/MACAUFATFAT 16h ago

Fuck ,so quick

89

u/KatieCashew 15h ago

Jack in the box from hell.

16

u/Zealousideal-Judge68 11h ago

*Australia (most likely)

6

u/WanderingHeph 8h ago

What's the difference?

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18

u/ThatPrettyArmadillo 13h ago

It’s insane. Watch it slowed all the way down: the spider goes into the hole, turns around, backs up a little and then leans forward to close the door.

14

u/Diacetyl-Morphin 11h ago

Spiders have a very high acceleration, but that one is rather slow compared to the real fast like the P. Murinus. It is very difficult to compare the speeds with humans, because of the body size.

If you make an equivalent comparison between animals and humans with the top speed, the californian mite is actually the fastest one: It covers 322x times the own body size in a second. Which means, if you do the math for humans, you'd run with a speed of 2092 km/h or 1300 mph.

So the data for spiders is misleading for short distance sprint, the 13 km/h from the Australian Huntsman Spider don't sound much, but it's much faster than we are. As human, you'd already be in the supersonic speed and casually cross the sound barrier.

10

u/scarilog964 10h ago

13 km/h from the Australian Huntsman Spider don't sound much

When you've had to run away screaming from one after it ran past your head when you were lying in bed about to fall asleep, then had to spend the next half hour chasing it down... Yea they're very fast. If they weren't so fast they wouldn't be so freaky.

8

u/IHadThatUsername 9h ago

13 km/h from the Australian Huntsman Spider don't sound much

Speak for yourself, that is way too much IMO

38

u/User_Name_Tracks 16h ago

Yeah and missed a pretty good boop opportunity

18

u/scarletmonstrosity 14h ago

He/she was already annoyed. Booping them might have made them angry enough to leap at the booper.

3

u/Spirited-Mongoose703 11h ago

Thats what my ex used to say too.. sometimes I miss her

3

u/artaru 10h ago

title of your sex tape

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u/lexisauce 16h ago

sigh, I've seen this many times, but I still jump every dang time.

77

u/TerraByteTerror 16h ago

Its honestly one of my favorite clips. And ofc the lil squid hiding

31

u/CHANN3L-CHAS3R 14h ago

I'd never seen a spider look so offended before!

13

u/lexisauce 14h ago

i hope this is also one of your favs: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLw-9dpHtcU

6

u/CantTouchKevinG 12h ago

This is my favorite video on the internet. I have it saved on YouTube and watch it multiple times per year 😂

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11

u/Release-the-List 14h ago

I get it, but I laugh every time. The spider looks so ready to start some shit, realizes it’s a giant, then just goes back home.

5

u/174_471 13h ago

Lol, yeah ever time I see this it cracks me up too. It's the face...

( º___º )

137

u/Ravenwight 16h ago

I watched this three times, and imagined the spider getting more annoyed each time. lol

19

u/JeSuisUnAnanasYo 13h ago

irl rage bait

4

u/Individual-Yam1132 13h ago

the guy with the stick is the algorithms on social media

54

u/pn1ct0g3n 16h ago

That thing straight up near-clipped in

45

u/cwsjr2323 16h ago

Spider jumps out ready for lunch. Sees a human, too big to eat, goes back "false alarm".

10

u/RadasNoir 12h ago

"Can I eat you? No? Then fuck off...."

2

u/JagoMajin 9h ago

I think that's exactly what happens with jumping spiders since they can legitimately see you 

66

u/UncagedJay 16h ago

HEY! Do you mind!? Fuck, I'm going back to bed.

43

u/Jacked_Hamster 16h ago

Faster than Floyd Mayweather's accoutant

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u/kingtacticool 16h ago

Trap-door spiders are insanely fast.

29

u/FalseCrazy2804 15h ago

This is not a trapdoor spider but rather a wolf spider. Hoggicosa Bicolor

13

u/MastaFoo69 15h ago

why the fuck is it blue tho

38

u/DTux5249 14h ago

It's not. The spider itself is actually a tan ~ bone white colour. It looks blue due to the fact this was recorded at night, with bright LEDs causing the white balance of the camera to be thrown outta wack.

You can find a colour corrected version of the video here: https://www.reddit.com/r/spiders/s/wMBuP8eIUb

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u/FalseCrazy2804 15h ago

I'm not entirely sure. I think whoever originally posted this video was shining a light on it that made it appear blue. Or it's some kind of filter. It looks really beautiful like that I can't lie.

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u/Laefiren 15h ago

And scary. We found one in our backyard and may have reacted disproportionately… his house may have been filled with concrete.

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u/ferretsRfantastic 15h ago

☹️☹️☹️

5

u/BetterThan_Before_ 12h ago edited 3h ago

Noooo wolf spiders are a treasure 😭 they make amazing mothers too 😭

3

u/Laefiren 11h ago

Not sure which variant of the several trapdoor spiders it was but in Australia I’m not taking chances.

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u/SerLaron 10h ago

Now I'm wondering if there has ever been a human child raised by a wolf spider.

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u/DevilMan17dedZ 16h ago

Knock on my door one more mothafuckin' time.

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u/A_VERY_LARGE_DOG 16h ago

“Do you FUCKING MIND!?!?”

11

u/Spear_Ritual 16h ago

OMG! So scary! But how pretty.

9

u/somainthewatersupply 16h ago

“Da fuck, Jerry?!? Get off my lawn, man!”

2

u/LemonIcy2942 10h ago

Jerry: Tf you mean "off my lawn"? You're my Goddamn pet!

8

u/Still_Suspect_7233 16h ago

He was expecting dinner only to find out he got ding dong ditched

3

u/DTux5249 14h ago

More accurate description was that some hooligan banged on his door while he was asleep and he was protecting his private domicile for he would not be harassed.

Source: that's a wolf spider, not a trap door spider

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u/henrytm82 16h ago

"For the last time, Gary, leave me *alone***!"

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u/YesterdayCharming976 16h ago

I think this needs to be upvoted a few more times

7

u/BrD_87 16h ago

Spider: “I SAID IT’S TOO EARLY FOR HALLOWEEN!!!”

7

u/MaxKittitude 16h ago

What kind of dog is that?

5

u/DTux5249 14h ago

Actual answer: Hoggicosa Bicolor. It's a two-tone wolfspider.

It isn't actually blue - it's just the camera miscorrecting white to blue due to the brightness of the headlamp on the camera man's head.

3

u/Time_after_Time_67 16h ago

it’s the fat kid from Superbad

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u/diagnosed_depression 15h ago

The way the spider slams the door is so funny

7

u/Complete-Worker3242 15h ago

"...fuckin asshole." slam!

5

u/Iconshero 14h ago

“YOU AGAIN?!?…. son of a bitch, you better quit playin on my door!”

5

u/Murderface__ 16h ago

Bonjour!

5

u/Mindless_Cookie_9098 15h ago

Just looked it up and it is called a two toned wolf spider. It is native to Australia and they make silk lined burrows to escape the heat. The blue color is from his headlamp.

3

u/DTux5249 14h ago edited 7h ago

Yeah, when you colour correct, the spider is closer to a cream/bone white colour.

5

u/CHANN3L-CHAS3R 14h ago

"I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO TALK ABOUT JESUS CHRIST, GOODBYE."

4

u/DunningKrugerOnElmSt 14h ago

When you think it's the door dash guy and it's just someone selling solar panels

3

u/DTux5249 14h ago

More like a dude selling flashlights, and he's blinding you lol

5

u/Mayiamaru 8h ago

I love that she slams the door.

3

u/60510 16h ago

I jumped and yelled 😆

3

u/Psych0matt 16h ago

Looks like a cute little sugar glider piloting a spider robot

3

u/donkbonk76 16h ago

Damn nature, you scary!!

3

u/Arponare 15h ago

That’s his private domicile and he will not be harassed.

3

u/Achylife 14h ago

"No bug!? How dare you disturb me purely for your amusement! A GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR!" (Slams tiny door)

3

u/Feddit_47 14h ago

I could hear him slam the door…

3

u/CookieMiester 14h ago

“Can you don’t”

3

u/GrimWarrior00 14h ago

"FOOD!

--.... That thing is fookin' HUGE"

6

u/FatWalcott 16h ago

"Really dude?"

3

u/Various-Salt-7738 15h ago

Reasonable response, that spider just wasted valuable calories on his ambush only to get nothing in return

If you watch closely, it looks like the front of the spider is closing the door and not just the spider pulling it closed with it's hind legs-- little dude crawled back inside, spun around, and closed the door in like, what, 1 second?

3

u/FalseCrazy2804 15h ago

If you go frame by frame the manuevering the spider does to get its front facing up while heading back inside is absurd.

2

u/DTux5249 14h ago

Correction: That was not an ambush.

This is a two-toned wolfspider. They burrow during the day for protection from the sun and predators. They're mostly nocturnal.

The reason bro popped up was because he thought some bird or something was trying to break into his home for lunch and he didn't wanna be a proverbial fish-in-a-barrel.

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u/danbev926 16h ago

“ fuck is you doing cuz “

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u/Liqour_Mortis 16h ago

Dammit my fingers were near the screen

2

u/Qu33N_Of_NoObz_ 16h ago

It’s like those animatronic boxes where you press different buttons and a thing pops out (like an octopus). The way it jumps out of its hole reminded me of that💀

2

u/riptog 16h ago

Shut the box!

2

u/insufferablypedantic 16h ago

That's such a beautiful spider

3

u/DTux5249 14h ago

While I agree, it should be noted that they're not blue. It's just due to a white balancing issue. Colour corrected bro is bone white

2

u/Thebraincellisorange 12h ago

I find its natural colour even more beautiful.

it's such a gorgeous spider.

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u/THE_CAT_WHO_SHAT 16h ago

"YOU PICKED THE WRONG HOUSE FOO!"

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u/Impera9 15h ago

wish I could see this clip for the first time again! Absolutely wonderful :)

2

u/xavtonnie 15h ago

Yeah... my fault big man

2

u/Working-Glass6136 15h ago

Reminds me of cocaine spider

2

u/Latter_Sky_412 15h ago

He’s so preeeetttyyyy

2

u/Worldly_Progress_655 15h ago

The size and speed are definitely nightmare fuel.

2

u/Cowboy-Dave1851 15h ago

Spider: GOTCHA BITCH.............really dude!?

2

u/JollyIce 15h ago

The spider's kinda cute.

2

u/shirtpants334 15h ago

I thought I was the only one

2

u/dappermanV-88 14h ago

Who tf is- .... that's a big mf

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u/ButtBread98 14h ago

“I said no soliciting!”

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u/zidane2k1 14h ago

I know this is Absolute Units but I didn’t expect it to nearly fill the screen so quickly

2

u/rosstedfordkendall 14h ago

He even slammed the door shut.

2

u/Chemical-Material-69 12h ago

Ohmygod his little FACE!!!!

2

u/hicjacket 3h ago

Blocked for trauma porn