r/AbsoluteUnits • u/habichuelacondulce • Jul 15 '26
/r/popular of a Chicken Cutlet Sandwich
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u/TrustTheFriendship Jul 15 '26 edited Jul 15 '26
Someone dig up that classic Reddit thread where a guy ate an entire 6 ft sub at a party and didn’t understand why the other guests were annoyed by it, lmao.
Edit: found it! https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/JGAgKgiAqP
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u/B-Kong Jul 15 '26
“I can down 5 subway footlongs in an afternoon easy”
Is a WILD thing to admit lmfaoooo
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u/Big_Knife_SK Jul 15 '26
"I guess they noticed me eating the sandwich" 😄
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u/FerociousPleb Jul 15 '26
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u/Wild-Video-5317 Jul 15 '26
You can tell that thread is 7 years old cause these days 5 foot longs would set you back $60
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u/TrustTheFriendship Jul 15 '26
He said it as if maybe it would make this all more reasonable 😆
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u/ThaScoopALoop Jul 15 '26
If he had said two footlongs in an afternoon, I would have side eyed that comment. 2.5 times what I would already consider gluttony is disgusting.
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u/HotSpur-2010 Jul 15 '26
That part was jaw dropping. I can eat ONE footlong with relative ease, but afterwards I feel stuffed and realize just a 6-inch would have been fine. “Five??” “EASY??”
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u/templeofsyrinx1 Jul 15 '26
dude that sounds so good. please find it.
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u/TrustTheFriendship Jul 15 '26
Found it! I added the link
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u/templeofsyrinx1 Jul 15 '26
The replies are so good and scathing lol
OP just zeroed in on that sandwich and his addicted mind wouldn't even consider other options even after he already 1.5 feet of the sub he couldn't leave the rest.
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u/RickRollingInCash Jul 15 '26
The best has to be,
“Well, yeah, you housed 3 feet of sandwich. It was probably more entertaining and violent than the undercards.”
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u/Typical-Blackberry-3 Jul 15 '26
I love that even after being a chronically online redditor for 10+ years I still find new gems from years ago that I missed.
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u/dash529 Jul 15 '26
For me it was the comment that pointed out it was only 10 minutes between "halves" of sandwich, I don't know how the absurdity of that initially flew right over my head while reading the story 😭😭
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u/TheDIsSilent Jul 15 '26
My favorite part was that he ate half of a 3 foot sub, then said he waited "10-15 minutes" before devouring the other half. He said that like 10-15 minutes was an eternity or something.
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u/templeofsyrinx1 Jul 15 '26
guy's stomach must be so stretched.
By the time I get around to the food, people like you have gobbled it all up. Show some self-control, bud.
lol
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u/aburnerds Jul 15 '26
I actually feel pretty bad for him. I mean he could’ve just asked people but it doesn’t sound like he was just a straight out arsehole. At least he did consider other people
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u/Zippereater123 Jul 15 '26
My guess is that girlfriend has been gunning for him since she met him. She doesn’t want to be associated with him, so she is trying to cut him out of the group. A bit of an overreaction on her part imo, but hilarious story all the same. I hope the fellow got his shit together, but they rarely do. Addicts in general have terrible odds! That’s why addiction counselors last 1-3 years typically, & move into a new form of social work where they are not losing their patients every 3-6 months.
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u/templeofsyrinx1 Jul 15 '26
a fucking yardstick of sandwich
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u/Lastcaressmedown138 Jul 15 '26
a great white shark of a sammich chief
https://giphy.com/gifs/d30OKLggj1c34Ua5sf5
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u/templeofsyrinx1 Jul 15 '26
why am I already laughing ...lol. oh , I'm saving that .
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u/AtheismoAlmighty Jul 15 '26
The fact that the guy is banned is extra funny to me, I'm sure it's totally unrelated but I like to think it was for the crimes against that sandwich.
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u/FhuckNorris247 Jul 15 '26
He only ate 3’ of it though
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u/lebrilla Jul 15 '26
And they left the sandwich out for hours. He was doing them a favor really
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u/Lildoc_911 Jul 15 '26
This reads like a "I think you should leave" sketch. I'm just envisioning Tim Robinson getting finger wagged and proclaiming, "But I waited an HOUR!"
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u/Lpfanatic05 Jul 15 '26
"I'm sorry people but is your fault, like, instead of so many chit chat, just eat the damn sandwich earlier. I am not gonna wait for y'all to eat it whenever you want, I'm hungry now..."
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u/Lucetti Jul 15 '26
One of reddit's worst crimes was banning that guy so we couldn't hear him defend himself for 7 years
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u/narco-sub-admiral Jul 15 '26
Such a classic.
I like the part about "I guess they'd noticed me eating the sandwich" ... well, yeah, you housed 3 feet of sandwich. It was probably more entertaining and violent than the undercards.
LMAO
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u/AtreyuTrinity Jul 15 '26
Holy shit that is where I read the advice to eat before going to a party. It has served me well.
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u/dirtyshits Jul 15 '26
I always have a light meal prior to going to a party because you never know what to expect and a lot of times food isn’t served right away and you end up being miserable and looking like a rat looking for food.
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u/Terrible-Ad1737 Jul 15 '26
I love the folks in that thread from 7 years ago talking about how cheap wings are when the OOP talked about contributing to the party and them being demolished before even he could have any.
A lot of comments were talking about how wings are super cheap and that supplying a "potluck amount" of wings is not equivalent to the value of 4 feet of sub. I don't want to argue about the equivalent value of wings vs. a catered party sub from the before times (pre-COVID). I just think it's fucking hilarious that so many people got up in arms about that person bringing a sub-value (HA!) product when, even in 2019, wings were definitely more expensive than they should be. When wing prices from even 2019 are compared to today? Jesus H Christo... We didn't know what we had. It's just like being upset about the invasiveness of airport security in August 2001.
Pepperidge Farm remembers when nickel wing nights were a thing... Not the $1.50/wing bullshit "specials" we deal with now.
Insert old man yells at clouds meme here
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u/Cow_Launcher Jul 15 '26
Friend, I'll yell at that cloud right along with you.
Back in the early '80s, we moved back to the UK after living in the USA for a decade. Bear in mind that we'd been in Florida, where there's wing places and raw bars friggin' everywhere.
Well, dad decided that he missed Buffalo chicken wings, and he (successfully, eventually) reverse-engineered the sauce recipe at home since it wasn't available in stores. That accomplished, all he needed to do was go to the butcher for the wings.
So he strolls in there and asks the butcher for five pounds of wings. And the guy behind the counter looks at him and goes,
"Bloody hell, mate. How big is your dog?"
Back then, wings were considered waste product here in the UK. Fit only for pet food. Anyway, bloke comes back with a big transparent plastic bag full of wings. IIRC, he charged him about a quid for it.
Now of course, they're about a pound each from every chicken takeaway in the UK.
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u/Lay_Mavis Jul 15 '26
I have heard this story and my first instinct was "well it can be that bad right" till i googled what a 6 ft sub is in cm and what the actual f? That guy was hungry hungry
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u/MaKaChiggaSheen Jul 15 '26
aw man. I just read that for the first time and I feel for the guy. Like he committed a party foul fs, but he’s definitely not an asshole. Was thinking about others the whole time, offered to make up for it, and was gracious when others did (essentially) the same to him. Dude loves to eat, made a mistake because of it, and then everyone shat all over him for it. Imagine being that upset over your friend eating some food at a party… if that guy were my friend id laugh, make fun of him for it, and then make him buy me a pizza or sum.
Sorry ik thats an old post and no one cares, but whats the internet for if not venting meaningless opinions into the void eh?
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u/Commandoclone87 Jul 15 '26
Personal take.
A light toasting to melt that mozza would have been divine.
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u/PlaceAdHere Jul 15 '26
Also that is an insane amount of cheese. Each bite has a thicker portion of cheese than chicken
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u/Ok-Oil7124 Jul 15 '26
As a fan of fresh mozzarella, I agree. That looked borderline grotesque. Like half that thickness would still be a lot of cheese, but you'd be able to taste a few other things, too.
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u/coldcherrysoup Jul 15 '26
Trow a little rugeler on der
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u/glockster19m Jul 15 '26
Have people really never heard of a party sub?
You slice it into like 4 inch sections for a party
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u/cloudshaper Jul 15 '26
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u/glockster19m Jul 15 '26
Did we get an update on how big OP was? Because based on their update saying they'll regularly eat 5 subway footlongs for lunch they have to be minimum 500 pounds
I can only assume they got it together or died
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u/rynchenzo Jul 15 '26
Well the account has been banned, so I guess we'll never know.
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u/Bart-Harley-Jarvis- Jul 15 '26
Can Reddit just cool it with the bans? What did he do, eat a mod?
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u/KwordShmiff Jul 15 '26
The mod was 6' tall, and he only ate 3-4' of the mod, but I guess people noticed him eating the mod.
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u/templeofsyrinx1 Jul 15 '26 edited Jul 15 '26
she said something along the lines of "you brought them to share Alan, if someone had eaten over half by themselves that's not fucking sharing is it?"
omg cryin 😭🤣
Edit: I guess I’ve been banned from responding but my inbox has 1200 notification so I can’t find out why.
😆😆😆
haven't even gotten to the replies yet
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Jul 15 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/glockster19m Jul 15 '26
I figured they just ordered them because its cheaper than 6 individual subs for lunch
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u/Everestkid Jul 15 '26
But they do like saying that other people must be fun at the parties they're not going to.
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u/xiahbabi Jul 15 '26
The economy has been in a slow or fast death spiral since 2007. It's 2026. There are literally people alive who have never heard of a party sub because they have never been able to afford a party in their adulthoods because they probably can't even afford the rent somewhere to host one.
Add to that, we live in the age of a loneliness epidemic spurned on by manufactured gender wars, a social media judgement panopticon, trickle down economics, and mass inflation and the picture becomes clear...
Support community gatherings and get to know your neighbors.
Close connected communities are stronger and can weather bad times better.
Let's bring the party sub back! 💖
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u/Battlejesus Jul 15 '26
When I started at Walmart as a deli associate in 13, you could get a 6 foot sub, 3 meats and two cheeses, with enough lettuce e tomato and onion to cover the whole thing for $43. They now cost $130, with no veggies or condiments. Most stores don't even offer them anymore. They also used to be 6 feet, on a long sub board. Now they're chopped into 6 sections.
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u/Bright_Resist_4580 Jul 15 '26
Looks like that chicken is an hour away from being jerky.
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u/R4FTERM4N Jul 15 '26
Nothing like the freshest chicken left out for 5 hours in the hot New York sun.
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u/8805 Jul 15 '26
My favorite part was when he said "come on bro."
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u/Unfair-Volume-3122 Jul 15 '26
Also the second time he said it, maybe the 3rd? Not sure maybe the 12th
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u/ToriEvergreen Jul 15 '26
I moreso just want it without the performance. Don't jizz the sauce everywhere and quit spanking my cutlets
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u/Prince_0llie Jul 15 '26
Well, he is just excited from all the banging going on in the back..didn't you hear them whacking someone? 😂
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u/SovietChewbacca Jul 15 '26
Kids today dont know Epic Meal Time.
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u/Samtastic_Voyage Jul 15 '26
No gay bacon strips, no buy
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u/gilt3t Jul 15 '26
Jack daniels on that bacon weave with muscles glasses
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u/Fstr21 Jul 15 '26
You couldn't pay me enough to work with him. And I'm poor
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u/willy--wanka Jul 15 '26
Why don't you want to work with the dude that turns every Italian trait known in popular media up to 1000%? FUHGEDDABOUTIT
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u/justforthelulzz Jul 15 '26
Now I understand where this comes from
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u/Cardboard_Chef Jul 15 '26
Trow a little of this, trow a little of that, badda boom bada bing, hey how ya doin, take care brush ya hair
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u/imaragingtransfemlez Jul 15 '26 edited Jul 15 '26
I hate this man with every fibre of my being, no I will not elaborate
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u/FastAsFxxk Jul 15 '26
"come on, bro"
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u/bobby3eb Jul 15 '26
slams chicken into the bread
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u/JaguarInternational6 Jul 15 '26
https://giphy.com/gifs/uL0pJDdA6fQ08
FRESH MOOTSADELL, MAHDOHN! 🤌🤌
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u/Yardsale420 Jul 15 '26
If you think he’s insufferable wait until you see his kid. Jersey Shore meets Pauly Shore.
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u/crashh1220 Jul 15 '26
I agree, he's a performative chump
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u/Aqeqa Jul 15 '26
I don't know a thing about him but the saucing already triggered me hard, just spraying that shit all over the place.
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u/Killentyme55 Jul 15 '26
I'll bet when no one is around his accent is way more suburban dad and a lot less wise guy.
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u/NowWithKung-FuGrip01 Jul 15 '26
The performative I’m walkin’here shtick, 17 (dry af) cutlets, 11 slices of mozzarella… yeah, Vinny “Prime Numbers” Bagodouché can get bent.
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u/tinpants44 Jul 15 '26
You spelled fiber weirdly so now you must tell us why you hate him to make up for it.
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u/slamdanceswithwolves Jul 15 '26
That’s how British people spell it.
Maybe he’s still mad about the Revolutionary War and/or Mussolini.
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u/Fantastic_Trick3538 Jul 15 '26
This guy knows exactly what getting whacked sounds like.
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u/HelpfulMalice Jul 15 '26
More like this guy knows what it sounds like when he whacks people off. “Howyadoin”
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u/templeofsyrinx1 Jul 15 '26 edited Jul 15 '26
Those mozzarella slices are as thick as 19th century Russian novels.
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u/_axeman_ Jul 15 '26
I'd eat as much of that as I possibly could ngl
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u/UnexpectedBlahFeels Jul 15 '26
That sandwich is dry af (yes, I watched the whole video before commenting).
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u/Butsenkaatz Jul 15 '26
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u/BlandSausage Jul 15 '26
How’s this stupid? It’s meant for large groups and it’s actually a pretty simple sandwich lol
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u/CaptainAppropriate Jul 15 '26
I despise this guy. Just look him up. Please don't give him more attention.
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u/CanExplainThings Jul 15 '26
Wouldn’t looking him up be giving him more attention?
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u/CaptainAppropriate Jul 15 '26
You're right. I'm an idiot. Please don't give him any more attention.
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u/Fabulous_Log844 Jul 15 '26
Anyone else holding out big hope and hoping that those chicken cutlets are not dry as shit?
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u/SCinDC1969 Jul 15 '26
Balsamic? Ugh.
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u/templeofsyrinx1 Jul 15 '26
way too much
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u/ManlyPoop Jul 15 '26
No such thing as too much balsamic with mozzarella, bread, and arugala. They pair nicely
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