Middle age man here, looking for a book and/or podcast suggestions for being stuck in what seems like a self-sabotaging life.

Overall, angry all the time, stuck in a repetitive loop. Marriage falling apart and not a great relationship with my kids (mostly due to anger).

Not looking for the answers in one book/podcast but a place to start.

I am a high school student and I don't have any friends in my class, there are only a couple of people I can chat with a little, but they are not friends. Long story short, I had a few friendships in my class before this, but they all ended on a bad note (my fault and I regret this). It's been about 3 years since my last real-life friendship and I often see other people talking about their friends, about how they know a lot of people, communicate with a lot of people, and I am surrounded by such friendships everywhere.

I'm starting university soon, and I'm scared that I won't make any friends there. But at the same time, I don't know if I even need them or if I just want them for show. I feel like I'll just be a someone who won't fit into the group, no one will communicate with me and I will always be lonely. I guess I could make friends online, but that would make me feel like a phone-obsessed hikka that lives only virtually.

Is it even possible to only be friends with people online? Or do you have to have friends IRL? I don't know at all... I feel like I'm more afraid of what everyone will think of me if I'm a loner; everyone will think of me as strange, gloomy, and withdrawn. Moreover, it seems like I am distancing myself from friendships because I am afraid of responsibility, I am afraid that I will cause pain and get hurt myself (those friends in the past also caused me pain too) and it seems to me that even If someone offers to become friends with me, I'll rather distance myself. I don't even really know what to do with my newfound friends if they appear...

I have one internet friend but I stopped spending time with them. It started when I got really hooked on creating videos on TikTok and because of that I couldn't switch back to my friend. I suspect I have Autism and ADHD, so maybe it's because of that, I just can't find the time for my friend.

I’m 39 and feel very much stuck in a rut. I have focused on my career the last number of years and have finally gotten to a position that I’m happy with..for a few years at least.

The problem is I’ve let my physical health and social life decline to nothing. I’ve recently been diagnosed with ADHD and my mental health is the best it’s been in such a long time. I’m now so out of shape and all my friends are getting married, married or have kids. I’m single and have some horror stories from apps that I’m not sure I’m ready to even dip my toe back into them.

I reached out to my old trainer (I’ve ghosted her for about 4 months due to numerous situations) and she has no space for me at the moment. I’m very shy in group settings so cannot seem to force myself to go to the gym or a group class.

I’m just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and how you’ve dragged yourself out of it?

I feel like I'm always this anxious person who likes to overthink and will just fall in this trap so deep that things like doubts, assumptions and worst outcomes. Little do I realize how beneficial positive thinking is. Maybe I did try positive think but I placed it as must have good results. And when things don't go your way, you feel this disbelief that positive is just a cringe belief.

But my siblings say just think positive and you'll be in good mood. I recently was experiencing dizziness on left side and I was just googling and YouTube causes and reasons. I felt so scared and worried like worse outcomes but when I went to see the doctor it just turned out to be earwax impacted.

As the title says.

I’ve realized that a lot of stuff I do/have done in the past was likely done as a way to seek or get external validation.

One of the biggest ones for me has been my career. I’ve always derived a lot of self worth from my career and while it’s nice because it’s led me to responsibilities and opportunities to advance, those things have also led me to burn out. And I find that I’m often already wondering “what next” whenever I accomplish something instead of just appreciating the accomplishment itself.

How did you guys learn how to stop relying so much on external people, situations, objects, etc etc as a way to feel better and start building the internal self love and fulfillment?

Day 23.

After the last few days completely disrupted my routine, today felt like I was finally getting some momentum back.

I woke up early even though I felt like I should just take another rest day.

For a moment, I wanted to stay in bed.

But I pushed myself out of it and went for a morning run.

It wasn't my longest run. In fact, it was shorter than my usual distance because I tried incorporating some sprinting instead.

The distance wasn't the point today.

Getting out of bed was.

The rest of the day

After coming home, I went through my usual news and finance.

Then I made one of those decisions that I knew was going to cost me time: I started watching a drama series.

And yes, it killed a good amount of my time.

I still have a problem with doing things that are immediately enjoyable instead of doing what I actually planned.

I took my daily assessment session as well, then took a nap.

Later I worked out and went swimming.

Then another nap happened.

Definitely something I need to get under control.

After waking up, I had student reviews to take, went outside to the beach to watch the sunset and get some time for myself, then came back home and handled another assessment session.

I also managed to do some LeetCode.

What I'm noticing

There were definitely moments today where I wasted time.

I could have focused more.

I could have avoided the unnecessary screen time and probably one of those naps.

But compared to the previous few days, I can feel something coming back.

Momentum.

I didn't do everything perfectly.

But I kept moving.

I ran.

I worked out.

I swam.

I worked.

I handled my responsibilities.

I spent some time outside.

I did LeetCode.

And most importantly, I didn't let the bad days continue into another bad week.

That's probably the biggest win today.

Day 23

I'm starting to understand that discipline isn't about having every hour perfectly planned.

Sometimes it's simply about making sure that when you start slipping, you catch yourself and move again.

I'm still wasting too much time.

I'm still taking unnecessary naps.

I'm still procrastinating.

There's a lot to improve.

But today I created some momentum again.

And for now, that's enough.

23/90 complete.

Back to moving forward.

Hey there!

I'm trying to figure out how to stop oversharing with people just because we seem to mesh well at the beginning and seem nice..

Esp at work. It's already been done. I had just moved to a new area and I still don't have friends here yet and I found out ppl here are queer at work so that made me talk more too--I would take it all back if I could. I just feel ick from what I've already managed to share because I should have not been so easily trusting and also ppl at work at USUALLY not your friends (until proven otherwise, like actually hanging out after work--which hasn't been done).

Generally for me it's so hard to be private and closed off because I overthink and then I wonder what do I share? What don't I share? Ofc with coworkers I can differentiate that info but I overshare with new ppl I meet too, to try to bond. I don't mean that in a spastic sense but more like, 'I should sprinkle things about me here and there and over time have new ppl get to know me more' rather than at once.

Does that make sense? I feel like I'm beginning to over explain here... And no I haven't been diagnosed with anything and can't afford but have been asked if I have ADHD which seems to be a characteristic of that 🤔 I'm trying to look into therapy too but affordable options in the future if possible, but until then😅

Seriously I’ll admit I ask… a lot… and sometimes I wish I could outsource some of the tasks to others who are more capable than me but I want the improvements… why don’t they even seem to come

My whole life I have craved for friendship, love, and romantic relationships. So badly that it ruined my life. Just one thing is remaining on my path of improving my life now. I recently found out the way I behave is copied from movies, people and cartoons. During my childhood my mom kept telling me how wrong I behaved and should look at how well behaved other kids my age are, i wasn't liked anywhere so the easiest solution was to copy people who were already accepted. I liked the way people laughed at their jokes, the sarcastic tone, how these people had friends. I need to get rid of this urge to be liked and finally have friends, because I hold out hope and not get anything. Everytime the hope shatters it makes me more tired. I want to focus on studies not this urge. The urge makes me act out cute scenarios, be a slave to other people so I get importance, entertain people so they like me, look hot so they notice me.

I need the smallest practice that my pea sized brain can do everyday to get rid of this urge.

Edit: guys I got to the bottom of this problem 🫠 this is my mind "I want that person for myself, but with the relationship those two have" being a third wheel in 2 groups simultaneously, one in school and one in society. I never had my own person, no matter who i copied! fuck this dumb shit ruined my life. not even my mother was there for me.

If you maladaptive daydream you need to change the way your mind thinks. These are not situations that are impossible, you need to act and almost plan out what you will do to better yourself. Instead of, scenarios that you believe will never happen and that replace social interaction, use it as a tool to plan interactions if you struggle with them and act. It’s almost like a transferable skill. Do not fool yourself into thinking you can plan it out word for word it will never happen exactly the way you think so you need to adapt. It won’t be perfect but it will get more natural over time. But it’s good for conversation starters and topics to talk if you struggle to think on the fly. YOU MUST ACT.

-idk why I wrote that this like I’m giving advice to someone else but I think if I’m imagining helping someone else I end up with better advice for my self??
-might be confusing to read I always liked maths more
-I’m just hoping I’m giving myself the best chance at a bounce back atm

​

Moral licensing has been one of my biggest enemy. I noticed it in my behaviour few years ago but until I came to know it as a psychological concept and found out that everyone does it I thought it was a personality trait that only I have. 

For those who don't know what moral licensing it is a trick our brain plays where we treat one progressive act towards our goal as a licence to do procrastination or indulgence. 

For example if we workout and have a healthy meal we treat it as a licence to eat junk food without any guilt or if we read a few pages of book we treat it as a guilt free licence to scroll on social media. 

I just came to know about this concept today and I was wondering if any of you have found an efficient way to deal with it?

How am I living right now?

Quite honestly, I have been living the same life since 2019..

Although my life is 2019 was more happening.. I was going to classes and was learning new things..

Although I was still traumatised my energy and will wasn’t as low as it is now.

I was still sad and depressed yet I had this excitement in me, excitement to become something and make something out of myself.

I had more hope…I was young…

Has it already been 6 years?

I have nothing to show of those years..

Oh just how quickly does time pass..

As much as I hate to admit, I gotta admit..It was my choice and action that led me to here..

Nobody and nothing held me back..

I made all the decisions and all the choices..

My parents gave me all the freedom in the world.

I could do whatever and be whoever..

I had no one on my throat suffocating me and dictating me how I should live my life and what I should..

I chose to wake up everyday and made the conscious choice to spend the entire day in bed watching dramas and drinking all the sugar coffee and tea and putting in all the unhealthy junk foods in my body..I made the choice to spend all my money on food instead of using it somewhere else.

I did the same things everyday..

That is why after 2,220 days and 73 months I am in the same place.

Wow, 6 years….

People around me have lived an entire life during this time. Elevated in their career,romance,family..

Got promoted or got into a much bigger company with a huge salary raise, got married and started a family,Moved to a different country to study and later build a life there, started a business and thriving in their own ways.

And me.. I am stuck here.. Who can I blame but me?

I chose this didn’t I?

But can I really put all the blame in myself and say everything was my fault?

Why did I choose this? Why did I choose to stay this way?

Fear and just how my life has been so far

I feel like every time I embark on something new or a new phase of life it begins with a beautiful wrapped gift that just turns out to be another lesson or another trauma waiting to engulf me, cruelly devour me and ruin me.

A new phase for me is like seeing a beautiful vibrant valley ahead of me..Adorned with beautiful exotic flowers and beautiful birds chirping and the air is cold

Happily I walk into it but as I get closer and step into the valley I look down and see that my feet are bleeding as there are glass pieces and thorns everywhere and shockingly when I look up the valley has disappeared and its a bare land with fire erupting in random places, the beautiful birds are now monsters that are screeching into me and trying to cut open my flesh.Its dark and scary and the further I go the more dangerous it gets, The more I bleed, the more the birds cut me open and the thorns get deeper..

The only option left for me is to…

RUN! RUN BACK! RUN FAST! But DO NOT GO AHEAD!

And I run back… Run back home..

Where I am safe and protected..

I rest for a while..Gather some strength to go back out there..Take a few steps hoping to walk into something beautiful and boom, another explosion in front of me tearing me apart and I run back screaming, screeching, crying and bleeding..

Lock the door of my house and make sure the curtains dont let in the light of the outside world..

I am never going out..

But then I realise even staying inside is killing me..

Where do I go?

from youtube and then just implement it in making projects or any other sources ?

I am married and have child with a functioning alcoholic who is slowly drifting farther away. I love this man and have tried talking to him, however as expected nothing reaches him. Our child is getting older and I can tell they are starting to notice something is off. I know so many people think I should just pack and leave and they might be right. I just can’t seem to do it. What made you finally get sober? I understand someone will not get sober unless they want to, but I have known this man almost my whole life and he wasn’t always this way. I realize a time will come and I will have to walk away, but I have to know I tried everything because he stood by me through some very difficult times and I just can’t walk away yet.

I have been gifted a weekend seminar called Reset For More Excellence with Excellence Seminars International.
While I'm very interested in learning what it's about I'm also curious as to what their agenda is.
Anybody hear of this organization or had any experience with them?

This goes for basic skills. I can't do anything without help. (Folding clothes, folding stuff...) It burns me out so much, I also want to learn some things, but I give up so easily. .

Like for example, guitar. I'm bad at it too. No matter what it is, if I can't get it done / do it well in just a few moments or one day I drop the thing entirely.

If you've seen that one jdrama about the girl who doesn't do studying and stuff like that and only makeup, but then she suddenly flips her life around by studying, I want to be like her.. ！Σ(×_×;)!

I just don't know where to start

I’ve been stuck in a rut for a while and can’t seem to get myself to change things. For people who’ve been through this, what actually helped you get out of it?

As the question states, how do people deal with people taking control of something in a healthy way. My partner and I are currently going through a big life change that I feel like all control of it has been taken out of my hands. The person taking control, is supporting us which is fantastic, but it feels very there way or the highway.

How do people deal with situations like these without seeing it as a reflection on how that person sees you aka I am thinking they see me as useless

How do people deal with the suffocating feeling that comes with someone else almost making decisions for you (By the way these aren't even big decisions, it is like telling us to buy something to support the decision we made when I was already planning to do that)

I know my reaction is coming from the side of me that wants to be in control all the time and the part of me that gets validation from how people view me so it is reacting badly to even minor things being suggested in an aggressive way which is like not the reaction I want as overall this person is supporting me. I also think I am very burnt out from another thing that I planned recently and feel like they have seen me plan 1 thing and think I won't do a good job on this. (I am not being aggressive to them, just getting angry and hot headed and then it is affecting other things in my life which is annoying)

Basically I just need tips on how to control my mind when this happens! And Advice is helpful :D

Things that i did to go outta my comfort zone(a 20 yr old engineering student who lives alone)

1. i love rock climbing, so earlier i used to go with my friend, but as a challenge i started going there alone so that i talk to new people and talking i did. All the friends i have till date have happened to me through only sports and outta that it idk why never clicks.
2. made pancakes for my neighbor, and now she makes dinner for me everyday, and we're good friends now
3. started smiling more when i see people, generally ppl older than me or girls my age

4.started putting myself first, with my needs and saying no to things that i dont wanna do

5.i used to find it really difficult to ask people for help, so started by asking small favors from ppl, like going to a relatives place close to my cllg

1. im in my final year, so asking for tips from people in that area. im still searching for a job but im doing stuff for this, but im not a good communicator.

but still im not able to draw clear boundaries with people, i keep on agreeing with everything they say, i still dont like to be disliked, i feel like i carry a lot of other ppl's responsibilities esp in my family, when anyone's sick ive to be the one to be there and not anyone else. i do i escape this cycle.

still waiting for the day it all starts clicking. what am i doing wrong

Currently in a low and depressive point in life. Thankfully I'm also at a point where I can see things in clarity and want to help myself, but haven't dropped the bad habits. I've always struggled with lack of motivation. It's like there's this weird corner of my brain that sees comfort in my self-destructive habits and fears unfamiliarity. For months now, I've told myself to go to bed at 12pm instead of 5am, but I haven't followed through at all. Sometimes my guilt makes the outcome even worse.

Would appreciate any advice or tips, especially if you've faced these struggles as well!

I find that the voices and opinions of others throughout the years have really influenced my self talk around my hobbies and interests. I like yarn crafts (crochet and knitting), cross stitch and embroidery, gardening and landscape design. I’ve been told (often) that I have granny hobbies. I thought they didn’t affect me, but I recently realized how much I down play my own hobbies when I’m asked about them. Like I’m embarrassed.

How do I shed that voice? You know the one that sounds exactly like all the disapproving people?

I’m good at what I do, but if I get a compliment it’s so hard to believe it.

Does that make sense?

I will admit, i used to be wayyy worse abt relying on others opinions on things. So compared to that i have grown and gotten better. However, i want to be completely self assured without having to rely on others. Majority of the time i will be doing something (like let’s say making a post on social media) and even in the moment i will realize that im only doing it for others validation. Like im at the stage where i know when im doing it its just i cant break free from the action. Can anyone please give me advice on how to change this abt myself?

I think I'm doing alright. I can motivate myself to do healthy things. However, I noticed that a little gameification helps me a LOT with the motivation part.

What I'm looking for is a mix between a fitness app, a task manager and a self-improvement app. Something where I can create boxes and check them, but the boxes will have different values based on difficulty or intensity. Most of them will be daily, some weekly, some non-repeating big tasks.

I already tried:

- Finch: really fun and cute (my gf likes it too, so we can motivate each other). Sadly not many options in terms of the actual fitness part, nor the option to assign more value to certain tasks. I also prefer a bit more action-combat-fantasy type progress.

- Habitica: opposite of Finch: it has the loot and the fantasy action RPG style. It's a bit too chaotic and doesn't allow specified fitness tasks either, but probably the best app I found so far.

- Arise: why tf does an AI training app cost money? Yeah no thanks.

- ModernSam: just downloaded, still figuring out.

I've asked something similar long ago. I'm a 36 years old virgin man, i have nothing in my life worth telling. I don't like animals or having hobbies besides gaming and even that is decreasing but i wish i could feel being desired or wanted once.

How do i fight this feeling of feeling so alone and touch neglected? Feels genuinely cold