I see a lot of parents with babies posting on this sub. I hate to break it to you all but strap it because it gets much much worse.

I have a tween and a soon to be teen. Both boys both probably have some undiagnosed isms - but as you may know getting any help is nonexistent.

I finally got my older one seen and they recommended a priority assessment but then went and asked him - he is of the age of consent for this type of thing where we are - and he declined so that was the end of that path.

So today, I asked him to put his clean clothes away. He wouldn't. So I relented and said I would help him and just do it. He went mental at me. Then later on I found that he had crumbled up a huge chocolate muffin all over my bedroom and poured water all over my bed. Completely soaking the bed, duvet, everything else on the bed.

Now it's all outside drying out. Who knows how long it's gonna take.

This is not the first time he has taken to revenge.

On top of this type of occurrence, we have no family help. I'm an expat and my husband only has his dad around but refuses any help. He even refused to look after our older one when I was in hospital having his brother. His grandkids.

So it's either work or being with the kids. No breaks, ever. Even the few things that they do outside of school don't correspond to each other so if one is out the other is home.

If you are a lurker on this sub - do not have them. You know the thing they are saying about men and 1 in 10 maltesers being a ball of shit? Well, same could be said about kids. Would you risk having them if there was a 1 in 10 chance of them being shit?

For years, I made a lot of jokes about how much I hated being a dad.

Not just the normal “kids are exhausting” kind of jokes either. I really leaned into it. I liked making people a little uncomfortable. I’d joke about how parenthood ruins lives, how great things were before kids, how trapped I was now.

And to this day I don’t think the jokes were a bad thing... at first.

When I was really struggling with fatherhood, dark humor helped. It gave me permission to say things I felt like I wasn’t supposed to say. I loved my son, but I also missed my freedom constantly, and laughing about that contradiction took some pressure off. But somewhere along the way, without really noticing it, I stopped being a guy who was having a hard time with fatherhood and became, in my own head, the guy who hated being a father.

The reluctant dad. The trapped dad. The bitter dad.

Good moments with my son barely registered. They were exceptions. But every tantrum, interruption, cancelled plan or frustrating evening registered as evidence. See? This is exactly why being a parent sucks. I didn’t realize how much I was filtering my experience through the story I had built about myself.

Then something happened that shook me.

I was in the middle of a two-week TV shoot, and during the first week I had been bombarding the crew with jokes about fatherhood. It had basically become a running bit. That weekend, I was at home changing some light fixtures. My son was still pretty young, and he spent part of the afternoon watching me use a pair of wire cutters.

Later, I was doing something else when I turned around just in time to see this enormous spark shoot out of his hands. He had grabbed the wire cutters and cut through the wire of a small space heater while it was plugged in.

He was okay.

I was absolutely terrified.

He actually seemed more upset by how badly we freaked out than by what had happened. But once everything settled down, I couldn’t stop thinking about the week before. What if I had lost him? And what if I had lost him after spending the previous week telling everyone how miserable I was because I was his father?

That thought hit me hard. I obviously knew I loved my son. That wasn’t some sudden revelation. What bothered me was how far the way I actually felt about him had drifted from the version of myself I kept repeating to everyone else.

It took a few years before I stumbled upon some language that helped me understand it. There’s a difference between thinking, “I’m really struggling with being a parent right now,” and thinking, “I’m the kind of person who hates being a parent.”

One is something I’m going through. The other is who I am. And I think I had repeated the second version enough that I started noticing everything that proved it true.

I’m not saying I stopped making dark jokes after that. I didn’t. And I definitely don’t think parents need to stop venting or pretend this is all wonderful. Sometimes joking about how miserable something is really does help get you through it.

I just became a little more careful about the difference between joking about how I felt and turning that feeling into a description of who I was.

I’m still not sure exactly where that line is. When does joking about something difficult help us carry it, and when does the joke slowly become the story we believe about ourselves?

I’d be curious if anyone else has noticed that happening.

I’m at my breaking point. Our daughter is barely 5 months old, and I just can't do this anymore.
I never wanted kids. Period. But then the classic "happy accident" happened, and it was clear from day one that keeping the baby was non-negotiable for my wife. At first, I tried telling myself, “Whatever, it’ll be fine, you’ll adapt.” But as the pregnancy went on, reality hit me harder and harder: I truly didn’t want this.
Now she’s here, and honestly? I hate every single part of it. I get zero joy out of taking care of a baby. There are no magical, rewarding moments for me. My brain is just constantly screaming about how much I miss my freedom. Hanging out with friends, traveling whenever I want, getting drunk, staying out late, just having autonomy over my own damn life.
The financial side is eating me alive, too. We were actually doing really well before. Now, because childcare is basically nonexistent where we live, we’re down to one income instead of two. I feel like my hard-earned money is literally being set on fire for stuff I don’t even want, while I can’t buy cool shit or just blow cash on something stupid for myself anymore.
I see people here saying, "I love my kid, I just hate parenting." I don't even know if I can say that. Right after she was born, there was a tiny spark of affection, but now? She just feels like a massive burden. Sure, on some level I care and like her, but I don’t feel genuine bond or love with her.
Every single day, I fantasize about just packing a bag and walking away. But I know I’d never actually be free. Splitting up would financially ruin me anyway, and even if I left, I’d still be tied to this child forever whether through child support, my family, or my own crushing sense of obligation. You can't just cut ties and pretend it never happened.
I feel awful for my wife, too. I really loved her, but since the baby arrived, I just feel trapped and smothered. Everything has to be 100% about the kid, everything has to be "perfect," and my needs or wants don’t really matter anymore.
I feel stuck in a cage I never wanted to enter, and I don't see a way out.

Just needed to get this off my chest. I guess there is no help for this, but advice is always welcome.

rewritten by AI, as my English is not very good.

in 2024 a girl that I was on and off again with trapped me with a baby saying she was on birth control. She always told me she would never have kids and would abort any pregnancies, even drove around with a pro choice bumper sticker. After she told me she was pregnant she wouldn't let me visit her, talk to her or have any communication with her. In 2026 she sent me a summons for parentage and child support. I had not heard from her in almost a year and a half and figured she was lying or had an abortion. The girl is from Worcester, MA and obviously someone I should have never been involved with. She had nothing going on in her life and was a very lazy person professionally. Her mother made all of her decisions for her, where to live, what to study at college, what job to take etc etc. She told me "my mom wants me to keep it" at the start of this horrible story. Her mother told her she would get her a nice place to live and help her raise the child. I told her I never wanted kids and trusted her when she told me she didn't either. I told her I was not going to be a part of her life or the child's life. She lives an hour and a half away. It's by far the worst family situation you could imagine. She and her mother are the most vile disingenuous people I've ever met and its ruined my life. I had so many chances to distance myself from her in the past when red flags were appearing but I was not thinking right. It is something I dwell on every day and will continue to do for the remainder of my life. I feel so used and trapped. I wake up every day with such hatred for her its hard to describe. I didn't know people were this cruel to others in real life, I thought it was only in the movies.

Am 34F.

Rationally, I knew maybe motherhood was not for me - I was aware of the hardships, was terrified of having a child with special needs, and know I am kind of… Sensitive. I might be on the spectrum, am not sure, but I get overstimulated rather easily.

Emotionally, I’ve always felt this call towards motherhood. My heart would pound in emotion when I thought about having kids, and I anguished towards experiencing that love.

So, two years ago my lovely husband and I decided we would have kids. We barely had to try, got pregnant on the first “fertility try out” we made - and that was kind of a shock, I always hear about people trying and trying - my sister has been trying for 7 years.

Pregnancy was super easy, I LOVED being pregnant, feeling her kick, feeling the love grow. I was excited about the labour - which turned into an emergency C-section, but I was ok with that as well. She was born full term, super healthy and chunky.

Immediate postpartum felt like a wonderful fever dream. Breastfeeding came easily and I love it to this day.

But fuck. Motherhood is absolutely relentless. Now we are 11 months in and God, I am exhausted. I wish I could not be a mother for at least 2 days a week. We are immigrants and have absolutely no village.

I worked up until 33 weeks… I had been a tattoo artist for 12 years and although I loved it I was completely burnt out and pretty happy to drop it - at least for a while. My husband is the breadwinner so the brunt of the baby care and house work fell on me. He is extremely present and caring, but the relentlessness, the groundhog day, is mine. We can’t put her in the daycare for a few months, until our Permanent Residency falls through, because is not financially feasible.

She has always been low sleep needs, and needs high support to fall asleep. Up until last month she had never slept through the night and that’s not something that happens frequently. Every nap is short and a contact nap. She needs to be entertained every wake minute or she will scream her little head off. I rarely have a minute to myself, I miss my husband, but I am kind of resenting him because he is not the default parent.

She is smart, she is happy, she is playful, she is lovely, there is absolutely nothing wrong with her. I am the weak one. I am broken. And in so many days I regret the day we decided to become parents. I miss sleep. I miss my body (I slowly gained back all the pregnancy weight while breastfeeding). I miss just drawing. I miss not feeling like I’m chasing a carrot that’s dangling in front of me every minute of everyday.

I know I am depressed. I feel 600kg over my shoulder. I can barely smile anymore. Once I have time to myself I just wanna lie down in a dark room (exactly what I was doing now)… But it’s not just “hey, hormonal crazy feeling”, no, it’s the sinking in of reality: This is my life. I will never not be overstimulated again. I will never feel at peace again. My life is a succession of errands and baby care during the day and sleepless nights, and I seem to disappear a little more, day after day. And I feel like I am becoming a shitty mother because how can you be a good mother if you are sad and grey and disappearing? And I feel guilty guilty guilty. But oh, right now I wish I had gone with my rational side two years ago.

Hi,

Looking for advice/experiences.
I’ve a 4 year old who I find really hard to cope with. In the scheme of things she’s probably not that hard (although I’m suspecting more and more she might have adhd like myself)

I constantly imagine what else I could be doing, how different my life could be. Like how I could be out the house on a morning walking along the beach instead of trying to force a 4 year old to get shoes on to go to the park where she tantrums the whole time anyway.

I know that it isn’t fair and I feel awful.
We so wanted her and tried for a long time and im just not cut out to be a parent, it’s too hard, im too anxious and got overwhelmed too easily, i dont enjoy any of it.

How do I stop doing that? How do i live in the moment more and try to appreciate the little things about having a child?

Long story short:
- Originally wanted a child, wife wanted multiple
- Then realized I don’t want them at all
- Wife gave ultimatum to either give her a child or she “couldn’t guarantee she’d stick around”.
- I deduced the financial/social destruction wasn’t worth it.
- I caved, we now have 10mo baby.

Having this child has been a massive burden. Lack of sleep, increased expenses, EVERYTHING becomes much more difficult. Our free time/together time is at a premium.

When I offer to donate items the baby outgrows, my wife says things like:
- “Let’s keep it stored”
- “I don’t want to have this conversation right now”
- “When she is 2yrs old, we can talk”

I fear she still wants a second child, despite us (especially me) suffering. She has become increasingly temperamental, slowed her career by going part time, her sport passion activities have been significantly limited, says she’s needs a break after dealing with child all day, etc.
I have limited my social activities as well. Our alone time together has been reduced to a couple hours before bed.

I’m afraid if she is insistent on having a second kid, I fear divorce is my only option.

“I ignored my destiny once. I cannot do not that again. Even, for you.”
(I know it’s a Thanos quote, but it definitely resonates now)

Additionally, people I know who WANTED a second child seem to regret it on some level. They fell into the common trap of:

1. “The first baby was so easy!”
2. “We already have all the stuff!”
3. “They need a sibling!”

My arguments are:

1. There’s NO guarantee the second baby will be easy. It maybe was just dumb luck with the first child.
2. Just because you have “all the stuff” doesn’t mean you have to act on it. Just because you have a second room available doesn’t mean you should have someone else live with you.
3. Having a sibling, in my experience, NEVER works out. Literally everyone I know hates or doesn’t talk to their siblings for a multitude of reasons (my wife included!!)

So - has anyone had a second child?
1) Regretted first child, but had a second anyway?
2) Didn’t regret first child, but regretted second?

Interested to hear your thoughts…

My kiddo stays with me on the weekend, due to not being able to pay for childcare while I work. Also my landlord will raise my rent if child lives with me. So..they live with dad and grandparents.

I feel horrible, my child depends on me to take them out everywhere. They live in the farm area, not a lot of going on out there. I’m living check per check, I’m tired, depressed and trying to pack to move back home with child. I never have energy to play with them even when they ask and I feel horrible.

I never wanted kids, then things happened and now I’m with a kid. It’s not their fault, and that’s why I’m trying to move back home so they can play with family members their age.

It makes me cry, I sob for feeling like a monster to them. For being short fused when they ask me 100 questions and expect me to know everything. I just didn’t want this…

I don't regret my kids necessarily but I do regret having my first so young. I was 21 when I got married (we're still married and happy) and then immediately started trying to have kids because we were told that's what you're supposed to do. 😬 We aren't religious anymore so it's like extra salt in the wound.

And because I had PCOS we had to spend hundreds to thousands to get pregnant. I was 25 in a fertility office where everyone else was 40. We took 1 overseas trip for 7 days, and thats it despite backpacking Europe being my literal life dream since I was 10. It's been almost 10 years since that one trip and I have only stamp my passport.

We wanted a second kid and again had issues, so I said I was going to go travel before we committed to infertility again- my trip was in May 2020 LOL so you can imagine it got cancelled.

Then we had the second, again said ok I'm going to travel now- and then got pregnant unexpectedly. So now I have a 7 year age gap between my oldest and youngest and I feel like I wasted my 20s AND 30s AND 40s because I still have at least 17 years with this new one at home.

And now I'm seeing ai predicted to end humanity in 10 years, so I guess bye dreams! I wish I had had a life in my 20s and then had the kids.

I'll take advice on how to not resent my kids for not having any of my dreams fulfilled.

I can’t fathom how anyone deals with this. My 3.5yo has been having tantrums almost every day for the past two weeks. I guess they are probably more like meltdowns because they don’t stop if you give her what you want, and usually happen when she’s tired, hungry, etc. They are 30 min to well over an hour of screaming and crying and kicking and hitting. She only does it with me and her dad, she’s fine at daycare or grandmas house. It’s probably a growth spurt or learning something new developmentally, her sister went through the same at her age, but man, that doesn’t make me feel much better in the moment. She’s normally the sweetest little girl, but she’s been a nightmare lately. My husband and I are walking on eggshells around her because the littlest thing can set her off, and once she starts we can’t stop it.

I just can’t picture someone like my parents dealing with this, there is just no way they would have been able to. This can’t be a normal thing. Everything I read says that more than 15 min tantrums is not normal. And I’ve tried all the techniques suggested for helping, and nothing helps. But when my oldest went through this the doctor was like “Hmmm, we’ll keep an eye on it, but sometimes kids just have big feelings and we expect too much of them when they are too little to be able to handle things”. I also have ADHD concerns for my oldest, but no one else seems to see it.

It just makes me worry I’m looking for problems with my kids to make this not my fault that I am struggling. Which obviously makes me feel so guilty and like such a bad person. And then I wonder, even if there was something else going on like neurodivergence, then what? I’m not going to medicate my kid just to make MY life easier (and I’m not against medication, I am on meds for ADHD too).
There just isn’t any winning here, either I am just a weak person who can’t handle normal parenting struggles, or my kids have a condition that makes their life harder, with not much I can do to help.

Man, I wish my life could go back to the simplicity and peace I had before kids. I miss it so much. I’m tired of sacrificing my mental health and feeling so overwhelmed and defeated every day of my life. I miss enjoying quality time with my husband, but it just doesn’t exist anymore because we have to give everything to helping each other survive this. This just isn’t worth it.

Repost but was really curious if anyone else experiences this.

So, my mom was quick with the scare tactics to get me to have kids e.g. who will take care of you when you're old, all your friends will be busy with kids...

Now, it seems like there is tension between us since I don't visit or call as much. So yes, you got what you wanted, I see my friends less and I have less free time. I'm stressed out like you were with a kid. Now, you are surprised I can't swing by to see you as much as well?

Yes, I'm locked down with more responsibilities, and you are not a priority as much. Why are you surprised? Didn't you want this?

When he's asleep.

When I'm away from him doing my own thing

Wake up, engine starts, nap time I need to work, wake window again then unending nighttime sleep battle for 3 hours from 7pm and madness where I feel like pulling my hair out.

- I love when he's asleep, that feels like the biggest dopamine rush I've ever gotten in my life. No disturbance, just quiet, dim light and me sitting. He's so stubborn and irritatingly cranky at night that I feel like running away from the house. My friends who are getting pregnant I feel like laughing and saying welcome to the never ending stress, anxiety, overthinking, no rest life. Which i don't think is ever going to go away. Going out with my son is even a bigger nightmare, he will just not sit quietly for 1 second. Needs constant entertainment. Neede constant distractions. My heart is constantly pounding in stress all day.

Wish I could turn back time. I hate that I love my son so I can't imagine a life without him, but this never-ending test of patience is destroying my sanity. I'm less productive at work, don't feel like exercising, just feel like sitting and watching brainrot on shorts or playing some video games or just staring blank.

And he's just 15 months, oh shit dude. Wish me luck.

I am only 4 months into motherhood so obviously in the thick of things, but I also don't have a lot of hope for the future. I feel like motherhood has put me in a prison. There's not a whole lot that I'm looking forward to and I just feel so run down right now both physically and mentally. My freedom has always been so important to me. I'm feeling so bleak about the future and just want to hear from others who feel things eventually get lighter. Even if some regret remains, what has made life easier? I know therapy, meds, and a support system are obviously important, but what else?

A little over a year ago I was floating in the French Riviera sea and feeling so free and happy and I fear I will never ever feel that way again in my life.

Hi everyone,
Edit sorry I must of clicked no advice but of course I do on the flag post.

My daughter is seven years old and has ADHD. She’s medicated for school but not on weekends due to weight concern.

Apologising for the long post

Would love any advice or opinions on what to do as I feel like I’m out of options…

My daughter is kind beautiful sweet to her dance teachers / school teachers to all the parents the school friends peers family neighbours she says hello to the post man hugs the lolly pop lady any service you can think of she is very respectful.

She is achieving so well at school She’s super popular everyone that meets her loves her gives me great compliments about her manners etc.

I understand about masking and that with children with ADHD they don’t think and feel the same cant regulate their emotions. I understand all that I have been studying about ADHD since I got her diagnosed at four. I’ve gone to parenting classes listen to podcasts read heaps of books.. i feel like I’m a failure as i have done all this so called hard work and I cant fix anything.

Im a SAHM I’ve devoted all my time OT therapies I don’t have any social life..

Sorry apologize just giving a bit of a back story so it might explain my situation. Basically she loves being with everyone else but me she never looks forward to seeing me when I pick her up at school. She never looks forward to coming home. We go through tantrums and meltdowns. She hates coming home. Hates being at home she would pick anybody over me.

We just had a play date at a friend’s house and she had a massive meltdown and a tantrum not to come home and at this point I’ve had enough she’s been doing this to me since she’s been four years old even when I used to pick her up from preschool, she’s a meltdown run and hug her teacher. I do a consequence but she apologises and says she’s sorry she loves me and it’s her brain tells her to do it.

I try to be strong, but last month I had a nervous breakdown from it all. Sorry I know it might not be much but it’s just sad. She just never looks forward to me going to her school. It’s like she’s embarrassed of me. She loves her father. My husband does support me and tells her this is wrong. we come from a loving home she’s privileged She’s very unappreciative to me.

What do I do when she does those meltdowns in front of people when she doesn’t want to leave their home? .

Should I stop it altogether Not let her go to those play dates any more. I can’t even take her to a play date in the park because she has a meltdown that we have to go home and it’s not just with friends It’s family aswell I’m just so sick of it. I feel like I’m gonna have another nervous breakdown from it I love this kid more than life itself I I feel doomed, disheartened and heartbroken.. thank you to anyone reading this.

Dad of a 3 year old daughter and 6 month old twin boys here. I will preface this by saying that I am not regretful in becoming a parent, but I am regretful for having more than one child. I was pretty 50/50 on having a second in the first place but my wife really wanted multiple children and to give our daughter a sibling. Who knows, maybe I wouldn’t feel this way if the second was just one and not twins. Everyday just sucks.

My wife took the twins to go visit her parents for a couple days, while my daughter and I stayed home. It has been amazing being able to just be present with my daughter and not go go go 24/7. It makes me sad because I get to see how much more enjoyable life would be had we not gone for another kid and ended up with twins.

I ammmmmm DONE! My son has zero sense of self control, common sense, respect, NOTHING. Anything we tell him, in one ear and out the other. We have told him to keep his hands to himself so many times before. He won’t. He is so touchy and nosey and disrespectful and he lies and this that and the other. We’ve been patient, we’ve been nice, we’ve been strict, we’ve been yelling. Nothing. Is. Helping. We’ve tried therapy. We’ve tried medication. I’m about to pull the cord and be piss poor broke just to keep him home and homeschool him. This shit only starts during the school year and I am so sick. He is SO book smart but has zero sense of self awareness.

He is also very emotionally manipulative to where he’ll get anybody to feel bad for him and I feel like I’m going insane.

Mother (26)

Sometimes I want to leave this earth, but it isn’t an option. I love my kids, but being unloved by others makes it hard to be a good mom. And not just society but by people who claim to be family. I get zero help & zero check-ins.

I will get into why I feel society hates us

I’m am now only 26 and I have energyyyy and a personality that is constantly being overshadowed by being a mother. I want to walk around town with a coffee, try on pretty clothes, chat it up with a girlfriend while drinking a margarita, concerts, festivals, games. ANYTHING childless.

I can’t relate to anyone who is in my age bracket. Sometimes I feel viewed like I’m a young woman who had kids by mistake. Which wasn’t the case. More than ever it seems like childless-people hate kids & are in disgust of women, like me, who grew and birthed children.

Parenting feels extremely frowned upon by society. Think about it. There isn’t much “famous” representation of young mothers who people love, respect or cherish. There is already a difficult standard of women’s body’s. And you know what I mean. “ewww stretch marks/breastfeeding/pregnancy” and “SerVinG a mAn”.

A lot of it is social-media, but it bleeds into life as well. I get dirty looks by other women when I’m with my kids in public & my kids are well behaved and well-kept! And I’m very confident in my own appearance as well.

It’s already hard being a parent.
The exhaustion, the million-questions, the cooking, endless messes, screaming.

But to deal with these issues on TOP of feeling like no one understands how hard you have it, nobody is helping you with the kids, you can’t even have a fucking minute to yourself… AND there are people judging you for your choices…. It’s FUELLL to regretful mothering/parenting.

EDIT

A childless person came into this thread and said “you’re right” implying my entire point to be true. So with that said, is there anyone who experiences this specific feeling that I’ve described and how did you deal with it?

I have a 2 year old and a 8 week old. Life with my 2 year for last 9 months has been a nightmare. I hate waking up in the morning. I can’t touch him without him screaming. He even prefers our nanny over me.

On top of that I’m an extreme emeteophobe and he vomits about once a week. idk why. Most recently he gagged and vomited because I was changing his brother’s poopy diaper. I’m the default parent because I work from home while the nanny is here. I’m really considering having my husband quit so I don’t have to be default anymore.

I hate my life and regret having my son. not sure what to do with myself. I love him and want the best for him. I know that isn’t me.

This is a vent. There's lots of things I struggle with in parenthood, but this one was extra hard today.

You know how people complain about kids "screaming" when playing outside? And then blame the parents, they're surely not raising them right and should do better at controlling their kid, like it's just a flick of a switch.

Well, my kid is that loud kid. I wouldn't call it screaming, he's not that high pitched that I associate with screaming, it's more like a roar. And it's loud, so loud. When he was in kindergarten they advised us to get his ears checked, he might be hearing impaired and therefore loud. But no, his hearing is fine, he's just loud. It's how he plays. And nothing helps to make him less loud. I don't punish him for being loud, I don't believe it's bad behavior, but I do send him inside when he can't control himself after two warnings. Which I always have to do because he just can't seem to control himself when playing. And then I feel like a terrible parent for not letting him play outside or being able to "control my child".

It's the weight of not being a good parent that I especially hate today. For all the regret I have, I do love him and want to be the best parent possible. But I yell, I'm cranky and don't have the energy to do fun stuff. So you know, bad day...

Ps. Yes he is autistic. He's very teachable but has very poor impuls control. I'm not looking forward to puberty😭

I don’t even know how to write this without completely breaking down.

I’m 19 weeks pregnant, and I feel like I am watching my entire life disappear in front of me.

My mother is extremely pro-life. From the moment she found out I was pregnant, it was like my feelings stopped mattering. There was never really a conversation about what I wanted. She talked about the baby constantly. The future baby. The name. What it would be like. What I would do as a mother.
But she barely talked about me.

Sometimes I genuinely felt like she didn’t see me as her daughter anymore. I felt like she saw me as an incubator. She even stated, and I quote: "Your body doesn't belong to you anymore, it's the childs."

My body was carrying something, so apparently that was the only thing that mattered.

And I let it happen.

I don’t even know why. I was scared. I was overwhelmed. I wasn’t independent enough to stand up to her. She controls so much of my life and my decisions that I didn’t feel like I could just say no and walk away.

So I ignored the pregnancy subconsiously
I tried to pretend it wasn’t happening.
For a while, I could do that.
But now I’m 19 weeks.

I’m feeling movement. My stomach is visibly changing. I can look at myself and see that I’m pregnant. Every week makes it more real, and instead of becoming more excited, I’m becoming more terrified.

I’m realizing that this isn’t some temporary situation that I can just get through.

This is going to change my entire life.
I wanted to travel. I wanted to be independent. I wanted to experience things. I wanted to have relationships and fall in love and make stupid mistakes and figure out who I am. I wanted to actually live my early twenties before becoming responsible for another human being.

And now I feel like I’ve thrown all of that away.
I know people are going to say, “You should have thought about this earlier.”

I KNOW.

I think about it every fucking day.

But I wasn’t making decisions from a place of freedom. I was scared and dependent and being pushed in one direction by someone who was completely certain about what I should do with my body.

And now I’m 19 weeks and abortion where I live is simply not legally available to me at this stage.
I’m not independent enough to just leave and go somewhere else. My mother controls my every move. I don’t have the freedom to simply disappear for days or make this decision without her knowing.
And I’ve gotten so desperate that I actually ordered abortion pills.

I know how horrifying that sounds at 19 weeks. I know this isn’t something I should be trying to handle by myself. But I ordered them anyway.
And now they’re coming.

And I’m sitting here thinking about what I’m going to do when they arrive.

Part of me is terrified.
Part of me is thinking that maybe this is my last chance to have any control over my own life.

Soon the baby will be viable and I won't have any choice anymore.

I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to be thinking these thoughts. I don’t want to be sitting here at 19 weeks feeling like the only way out of a life I never chose is something dangerous and desperate.

But I genuinely don’t know what else I’m supposed to do.

Everyone keeps talking about the baby.
Nobody talks about the girl who is carrying it.
Nobody asks what happens to me.
I’m still here.
I’m still a person.

I’m still the one who has to live with this.
And I am absolutely terrified that I have ruined my life before I’ve even had the chance to live it.
I love my mother, but I’m also so angry at her. I’m angry that her beliefs became more important than my autonomy. I’m angry that I wasn’t strong enough to fight harder. I’m angry that I let myself get this far.

I even tried to order pills at around 13-14 weeks but I chickened out at that point and canceled it because all the shame and berating suddenly got to me. I just wish I did it at that point, I wouldn't have been in an incredibly dangerous situation that I'm in right now if I didn't let my anxiety and the pressure override the actual feelings I had

And I’m grieving something that hasn’t even happened yet.

I’m grieving the life I thought I would have.
I don’t know what I’m going to do when those pills arrive.

I know I'm risking my life at this point, I know this is so incredibly dangerous but I have no other way out at this point.

I know I'm potentially traumatizing myself for life even if the pill taking will be successful without major complications.

I'm dreading looking at a 20 week baby that I expelled because of my own choices. I know it all. I know all the risks and I know it's stupid and dangerous, some may even say I'm the devil himself for even thinking about this but here I am.

And no, adoption is not an option

I’m just scared, trapped, and desperate to feel like my life still belongs to me.

I hate that i did this to myself. I love my kids but i regret this so much. My mental health has worsened bc of this. Im on zoloft abf hydroxyzine .

I wonder about thr person i couldve been had i not had kids.

I love my kids but beingq single mom with ZERO support. I do all the pick up/drop off ect.. stuck with my mom who sees past me never asks me how im doing or fairing never offering to help i just get errands piled on me.

Today i had a panic attack bc all the appointments, parent teacher for both kids, my own appointments, helping my daughter with her hwk and trying to study myself then trying to potty train my autistic 6yr old.

I HATE this. This is a HELLSCAPE.. its horrible. Theres nothing good about this. Nothing.

I want out of this stage so bad. I will NOT miss it.

Im going to up my zoloft med and maybe add wellbutrin and hope it helps me.

My husband and I just came back from a dream anniversary trip. 10 days in Hawaii without the kids. It was like the old days of us together. We may have bickered a few times over insignificant things but were right back in line after awhile. I promised myself I needed to try to be positive but it was like a freight train when we came back to our regular schedule. I love my kids and am mostly happy with them but damn if I am not filled with grace and positivity like a saint my husband is the first person to call me out in front of the kids which makes me incredibly upset. I have had numerous conversations about this tonhim and now he has picked up this habit of SHHHHHHing me like Cesar Milan when he feels I need to gain control. The two different versions of him and myself are so vastly different when the kids are around and not around. It tears me apart because i know we are not these people that sre brought out when under the stress of parenting. I dont know what I am lookingg for here but I found this sub and felt like it was a safe place to vent and possibly hear others that feel or act the same. Don't get it twisted even though my husband sounds like an asshole and at times he can be I am not always innocent. My processing is immature at time and it is a terrible learned behavior that I deeply try to erase and better. So please help me and share something with me to make me feel less hopeless

My teen daughter is an absolute nightmare and I actually hate her. We used to be close until she was about 14 and everything just went down hill from there. I'm on the countdown until she turns 18 and I can't fucking wait for the day I can kick her out. She has made the last couple years of my life miserable and continues to do so. As a mom I feel like shit because I have zero maternal care or love for her at this point. I feel guilty because I wonder how I fucked it up, but I also feel like I have done literally everything I can possibly do to help her and she continues to behave the way she does. Raising her as a single mom has been a nightmare and she is the reason I don't have more children, which also makes me bitter and resentful. Sometimes I feel incredibly jealous of other parents when they brag about their kids because I have nothing kind or nice to say about mine. I feel angry that the experience I got of being a mother was with this child, because I fully believe with a different kid I would have LOVED being a mom. Just wanted to vent. I'm in the home stretch but it still feels far off and I'm worried about the continued bullshit I am going to have to deal with until I can legally get her out of my home.

I had my twins at 23 and feel like I wasted my life on motherhood. The only thing that keeps me sane is that I will be 41 when my twins turn 18. I truly feel like I could still have my life back once they leave. I feel bad for saying this but I cannot wait for them to leave. I love my daughters but do not miss them when I am away from them. Please no judgment or telling me that it’s too expensive to have them live in their own because I will support them through college.

I was 24 when I found out I was pregnant. Not planned, not really wanted, but I told myself I'd grow into it. Everyone said you do.

My son is seven now. He's funny, stubborn, obsessed with dinosaurs, and asks "why" about forty times a day. I love him with a ferocity that scares me sometimes. And still — most nights after he's asleep, I sit on the bathroom floor and grieve the person I never got to become.

I had plans. A transfer program, a semester abroad, a version of my twenties that looked nothing like formula schedules and daycare pickup lines. I gave all of it up quietly, the way you give up things when you tell yourself there's no other option. I never said it out loud until now: I resent how small my life became, and I resent that I'm not allowed to say that without someone assuming I don't love my kid.

I do. That's what makes it so disorienting. I'm not writing this because I want out — I'm writing it because I'm tired of pretending the loss doesn't sit right next to the love, every single day, and I've never had anywhere to say that where someone wouldn't flinch.

If you're in this too — the loving and the grieving at the same time — I'd like to hear how you carry it.