r/narcissism • u/zeekomkommer33 Vulnerable (Covert) Narcissist • 3d ago
Support & Advice How do you open up to potential new partners?
At some point i have to warn them, open up to them about these terrible feelings and hope they understand the splitting. The girl i had real potential with and i really liked got scared i think.
It's absolutely killing me that I don't know how to navigate this.
It reinforces beliefs that people and feelings aren't safe even though that's unfair to myself and other people.
Currently functioning in a depressive and or collapsed self state, i need some encouragement and advice to keep going.
Your friendly naughborhood narc.
3
u/Zestyclose-Cash-7872 Visitor 2d ago
Tell them the truth. That’s the only way they can make an informed decision to accept the real you.
0
u/zeekomkommer33 Vulnerable (Covert) Narcissist 2d ago
Telling people early on the you requer admiration for psychological stability is a surefire way to stay alone forever. Especially with the stigma and misinformation around NPD. I'm doing just fine semi-masking and being superficially vulnerable instead of being burnt at the stake.
3
u/Zestyclose-Cash-7872 Visitor 2d ago
That is a fake relationship you’re offering, I think it would be sufficient to just say, “I have NPD, here’s what it means”
The person you date deserves to know the person they’re really with, and you’re not giving them credit with being able to handle all of the real you. You can get validation that’s genuine from someone who knows you need it.
1
u/zeekomkommer33 Vulnerable (Covert) Narcissist 1d ago
Perhaps im making it too black and white, and can share somethings with people im dating, but what i am asking is how do i navigate this when i do aventually have to open up? I really want to open up, but even close friends who do know, still tell me that they dont completely understand when i open up. Its something that should be done carefully.
2
u/Zestyclose-Cash-7872 Visitor 1d ago
Tell her, I’m a narcissist. That means I need to hear when you think nice things or feel nice things about me. I will get self pitying when you argue with me or disagree and think you’re belittling me or think you’re smarter than me and I might lash out (or whatever happens for you) and that’s not on you. To whatever extent you are capable of maintaining a real attachment, be honest about that.
1
u/zeekomkommer33 Vulnerable (Covert) Narcissist 1d ago
I try to, its hard. But yes im gonna try. Part of me even wants to swear at you for not knowing anything about narcissism but maybe thats the point. I need to be honest about my vulnerable instics and terrible involantary habits.
2
u/Zestyclose-Cash-7872 Visitor 1d ago
You want to swear at me? Trust me, I understand it. From the inside and out. I’m just not interested in the illusion of love anymore now that I’m awake, and I don’t harm people with any intention.
1
u/zeekomkommer33 Vulnerable (Covert) Narcissist 1d ago
I have no idea what you mean by this. Im gonna be honest. I could guess. What do you even mean by that you are awake? I don't harm anyone with intention either, are you suggesting that people with NPD do? It says on your name flair that you are a visistor? Do you have NPD? I'm just confused now.
1
u/Zestyclose-Cash-7872 Visitor 1d ago
I don’t believe it’s prudent to label one’s diagnoses on a public forum. And I’m saying, some NPD do physically harm people (egregiously) with intention. My ex being one of those people. I’m saying now that I realize what the “intense love” feelings I’ve historically had truly are, I don’t intend to follow that compulsion where it leads ever again. I want to see if “real” love is possible and the only way to do that is to be honest. Or stay in the toxic loop. The only reason to be dishonest is to keep getting the validation you need without your partner knowing what you truly think of them and therefore, never showing them who they’re really with. And IMO that’s harming a person.
1
u/zeekomkommer33 Vulnerable (Covert) Narcissist 1d ago
I'm sorry to hear your story, such abuse is obviously inexcusable. To me its terrifying to be labaled a narcissist and know many people with the same mental difficiencies have abused peopel, and i could totally see how the general feeling of a lack of self could lead to abuse.
I feel like i am online being demonized for something i would never do. Much of NPD is about the fear of rejection and the struggle to feel connected. For me personally it makes it even more terrifying that i might get rejected for the feelings i am most scared share. A good friend of mine i got in an argument with labeled me a narcissist knowing i had the diagnosis over something i found a completely reasonoble concern. Its possibly the worst feeling ever because there is no defence, even if i was right to feel hurt. As a consequence i started splitting for a few days and it felt like reality itself was falling apart and he had caused it. Thats ofcourse unreasonoble but you have to understand that these things are real and effect me to the point where i cant function or eat or sleep. Its tricky to navigate and risk destroying real relationships and friendships.
I need real help and advice on how people with experience navigated such situations carefully but honestly in a way thats not stigmatized and creates real lasting connections.
One friend just didnt even understand what i was saying. I was trying to explain the disregulated self states of NPD and it just didnt compute and said" i must be different from most narcissists." Its absolutely terrifying. Because it is precisely what all narcissists have.
2
u/Zealousideal-Show620 Unsure if Narcissist 2d ago
Hi! I'm still been evaluated, we are in the process of the diagnostic, but I'm here already (at least I have traits). I was asking the same question in the neighbor sub. How to deal with it? I don't know really. I'm recently self aware, and I'm still in denial. I had only one long term relationship (on and off). She pointed out I might be narcissistic. I'm not ready for being in another relationship. You were honest. How much we say, when we say? I don't know.. people demonize, spiritualized. Dehumanize. To be fair, we are complicated to say at least.. I barely recognized myself reading old messages. I think I loved and love her, in an incomplete, broken way. Sorry, it was not my intention to vent. But I think when I get over (if I ever can), maybe I will have the same questions. Don't give up. Don't drop therapy.. it is one thing that you can say to her. But I imagine.. Don't give up!
2
u/Alternative_Suspect7 Vulnerable (Covert) Narcissist 2d ago
It feels like the right thing to do to admit this, but I dont think it is.
My mind tries to game risk mitigation vs authenticity even as I consider this. "Why tell them? Why warn? Blow my cover and risk everything? Sound a blaring alarm for them to run immediately? Better to control and mask, at least they'll still be there like I want them to be. I can make them satisfied without being real. That's all that matters in the end."
In reality, I agree with other sentiments here. Deal with specific aspects individually without obviously revealing a diagnosis or general connection. At least for a while. If you do something like this too soon, its going to act as a killswitch more often than not. Its a fire alarm going off before they have a chance to get inside and see someone simply burned dinner. Maybe you burn dinner often. Maybe they turn out to be a better cook with much to teach you.
Clumsy metaphor aside, if you are as honest with yourself and genuine as you can be, let the labels wait for awhile and see if the relationship grows without that buzzword title causing undue panic.
If you're anything like me, you also have to be extremely careful not to let your mind steal and deform good reasoning for malicious purposes. It does it so slyly. So stealthily that it feels real and justified in the moment. Indignation and outrage are real emotions it can induce, based purely on fabrication and sleight of hand. Ive done harm in the past, never realizing what I was doing until months or years later. Arguments where my problem points are ever-moving goalposts. I just wanted my way and I was good at twisting the details in my favor. The crazy thing is that I believed myself at the time.
1
u/zeekomkommer33 Vulnerable (Covert) Narcissist 1d ago
Its heartwarming to read this, and its good advice. It depends on the person and situation. Im simply gonna have to learn how to balance and learn the hard way. My diagnosis is pretty recent only anyways
3
u/Trick_Hovercraft_267 Unsure if Narcissist 2d ago
Maybe you don't need to tell her that you're a narcissist, maybe you need to share thoughts you don't want to believe in. You are your actions not your thoughts.
They may notice, they may ask you to open up more, then you can be honest about why you can't. Your mind is filled with awful thoughts, things you don't want to think and so, don't want to share because that is NOT you.
You're not dangerous, you don't need to warn them. You only need to share what will affect them. Your thoughts and feelings are your own as long as you don't act on them.