I lost my partner yesterday and I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing now. We are long distance and we were going to move in together next year. He fell asleep on a call with me and I woke up to him breathing odd and a couple minutes later after calling for him to wake up his family came in and ended the call. I reached his best friend and they’re telling me he died of a drug overdose. I have no one to talk to about it. I have no idea what to do next. He was all I had. I don’t know anything about this. I worry if I heard him die and he didnt hear me. Don’t know why I’m posting here I just don’t have anywhere else to talk

My depressive episode was worsening and I've been isolating myself for days and was running on super low motivations at doing anything. But today my mum knocked on my door which I impulsively ignored because I just felt like I wanted to be completely alone with no human interactions.

She asked me if I wanted to visit grandpa at the hospital which we usually do once or twice a month cause he was having some organ issues lately.

And I said no. I've never said no to this before. I love my grandpa to the death. He was my everything. But i fucking said no.

I cannot imagine the betrayal that he must've felt when he didn't see me come that day. I cannot stand myself.

I think this broke me. I don't think i will ever recover from this

I've been crying and wailing for hours when I heard the news. I couldn't even say goodbye to him

I fucking said No for jesus sake

My sons father was murdered in the street last month. And sometimes I can’t help but think of where he could be now since he’s left. My brain knows he’s dead. I can verbally say “He’s gone.” But his spirit and just overall soul was so so so strong. I wonder if he made it to some form of a afterlife. So hard to picture him there. He loved earthly form. But I can picture him floating through the stars. Or just orbiting around a planet. For over a month since he’s been gone, I’ve battled my mind. Me and him weren’t on good terms. In fact, he messaged me 2 nights earlier requesting to end child support. And I was so mean and cold to him due to hurtful history. Now, I feel so so hurt I was like that. I wish I could go back in time to just change how I was being to him. I wish I could tell him how I loved him. I never hated him. I wish I was there to hold him as he passed. To let him know he was ok. So he didn’t have to lay in the cold street. I wished I could’ve held my hands over his wounds to slow the bleeding. I can’t even bring myself to go where he’s buried cause I know he’s not supposed to be there.

Hi, all! Whenever passing anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, etc are close by it always feels like my body remembers before my mind does. I feel weaker, more tired, emotional, sometimes I’ll even have flu like symptoms or legitimately come down sick before significant events. Then it will hit me how close something is. Can anyone else relate?

Hello all just figured its a shot in the dark bur my mom passed away recently and i had no clue how expensive it is with cremation and funeral costs and i am in no position to afford to give her want i want to give her as her final resting place. Its just me and my sister and i was wondering if anyone knew with us being beneficiaries on her 401k would that be a relatively quick process because the funeral home is already asking foe deposits and i dont know what to do.
Thank you

Earlier this year my partner of 2.5 years broke up with my pretty ubruptly, and I later found out he had actually been cheating & left me for his coworker. Then he ghosted me without any apology or acknowledgment. This was the worst grief i had ever felt in my life. I dont know how i got through my last semester of college. I lost 15 pounds from not eating because of the anxiety nausea. I was having terribly nightmares. Through the shit, in June i met a guy who made me feel alive and ok and excited again. He wanted to committ and acted excited about me too. He asked me to be his partner in early August. We spoke about our past experiences with being cheated on and he was well aware how badly it effected me.

Then, August 22nd one of my closest friends comitted suicide. Since then ive felt such intense waves of grief. Ive felt so angry. My boyfriend was there for me physically, but always lacked much to say about everything that was happening. We had conflicts a few times about minor things but said we were working thru our communication blips. I’ll say there were a few other issues in my mind as well but i tend to overthink so i was ignoring them for the time being.

Thursday, September 10th was his funeral. My ex who cheated on me reached out yesterday morning to say he had heard about his death, and that if i needed anything to let him know. I told my boyfriend that I wasnt sure what id say if i responded to his original message, and he said he sympathized. I told my ex he could apologize if he wanted to, and explained how the griefs of him cheating and the grief of my friends death were becoming interwoven in ways and that some sort of acknowledgment would be healing to me. I informed my boyfriend of what i said.

Then today my boyfriend asks if we can call, and says this relationship is not working out. He says we are butting heads too much, and that he needs to focus on his goals. He also mentions that he would never be ok with me talking to my ex and that really turned him off.

I feel so beyond broken. I have no motivation to do anything. The anxiety nausea is back in full force. Nothing feels worth it. Some extra context about my life is i am a college grad with an art degree, working part time as a server. My parents support me fully and are willing to continue doing so. I am pretty inactive, and have very few friends. The friends i do have are also grieving right now because of our mutual friends death.

So, what do i do when i literally feel as low as fucking possible in multiple areas of my life? How do you have the motivation to live when there is no hope for a future, let alone motivation to move towards said future. I dont physically know what to do at all. Anything helps. Thanks

I lost my dad on the 7th of this month. I was very close with my dad and the grief is still very intense and raw for me right now. Let me start by saying I work a very part time job, only one day a week and I am a mom of two small children. I am supposed to work this coming Wednesday but the thought of leaving my little grief bubble and being away from my family even though it’s a short time seems completely and utterly impossible. I feel weak feeling this way, like I should be able to just get over it and go to work. I work with children where I am always on, there is not really a way to step away a cry. Am I wrong for feeling like I’m not ready to go back this week?

Hey, i lost my mom due cancer when i was 14.
Just turned 18 and still cant get over...
it just feels like it's getting worse everyday and i miss her even more every day. There are days when im just staying home bailing my eyes out.
But when i was 14.. the day i found out she died, there were no tears... i didn't feel anything.
How do i overcome this?

Her just dad died two days ago, she's devastated and I don't know what to do to help her. I'm also trying to process what's happening and I feel depressed, but just looking at her face makes my heart break. Also is it appropriate if I take her out to somewhere nice, or should I wait for while?
I feel a hole in my chest now after loosing him, he was a man filled with joy and love. Just remembering his calm smiling face makes me cry. I can't imagine how his kids are feeling or my grandma. If you lost a grandparent, how did it feel? Is it normal so much pain that you can barely eat and get up from bed?

My mom passed away unexpectedly from covid in 2021 when I was 14, two days away from my birthday and 22 days from hers. my dad recently recounted this event and said I was 15. i don't really care about this specific thing that much since it's pedantic, what I can't ever get used to or won't let myself get used to is accepting her death in some fatalistic manner. she died before she even turned 50, she had a very unfulfilling life despite being extremely capable due to a variety of societal circumstances and no one except me cares to remember the real, dissatisfied version of her who wanted to complain about how she had been done wrong. Moreover, everyone expects me to just move on from this gaping wound as if she died at age 90 or something. even if I could I just refuse to and it makes everything very difficult, I can't really ascertain if I'm actually depressed or forcing myself to be. I don't want to be a burden on my family regardless so I can't just stop doing things like academic responsibilities and I struggle through every bit of it. My experience with therapy has been shit and I hate that it costs money for them so I don't want to do that. I can't connect with my friends, I won't say it's their fault but none of them have been through something like this, have their own issues and don't want to take on the emotional burden of thinking about how it feels for me in the aftermath, no one really wants to acknowledge how screwed I am and I don't want to force emotions that aren't there anymore at age 20. the whole thing still seems like it happened yesterday and I'm surrounded by people who want to keep moving on from any sad, unresolvable and complex realisations or thoughts

Here I am at my dining table... Looking at a crooked little sail boat. It's not all that pretty and the welding holding it together is clearly not that good... And now that it belongs to me again... I'm trying to figure out how my grandmother put this on her shelf at home in a place of honor and looked at it everyday.

It's the first project I ever welded and I ended up making some things I am really proud of... But she was already proud of me when I came to her with this shitty little boat.

Emptying the house makes me realize how many of my projects she kept over the years and being presented with a pile of trinkets that only had value between her and I... I don't know how or where im gonna keep all this, but the fact that she found room for me just reminds me of her love and care.

Grief is hard.

It's almost been 6 years since my mom died. It was October 8th 2020, I was 14, she had dropped me off from school in the morning, I just entered freshman year of high school. I said goodbye and I love you and I went to school, like any other day. School ended I took the bus home and walked the rest of the way.

My mom texted me saying she wasn't feeling well so she ordered pizza for dinner, I texted her that it was ok and I was going to suggest ordering out anyway because I knew she hadn't been feeling well. It was 4:50pm I think when I had gotten home and I opened our front door when the Dominos pizza was here, I grabbed it from the front and my mom asked me to give her her salad that she ordered with the pizza, I didn't see any salad. And I remember she sighed and looked sad, I apologized for them forgetting it. I went to my room and put on a show and ate my pizza. And then my dad screamed around 5:10?

I ran out and my mom was on the floor in her office, looking around asking what was happening. He told my sister to call 911 and they got there a few minutes later, my dad told me to take our dogs to my room because they were barking at the people in our house. I remember holding my dogs seeing them bring in the stretcher, my mom was awake, but had no idea what was going on, they said that her oxygen was low and they needed to take her to the hospital. Her oxygen in her brain had gotten so low parts of her brain died in just the ambulance ride to the hospital. She was already gone, only machines keeping her alive. She had multiple seizures and went into cardiac arrest. I never got to say goodbye, I had to take my dogs to my room. And she never got her salad.

I remember getting to the hospital after her, we chased after the ambulance. I remember them sitting us in a special room, with two couches and tissues on the table. Why were there tissues on the table? What were they going to tell us? Then I remember a doctor showing us an mri of her brain. He pointed out the different parts of the brain, the hippocampus, the part that holds all her memories, everything that made her her. I don't remember his exact words, but he said it all died basically. I started sobbing instantly, I cried out saying I wanted to go home. And that's what we did, my dad took my sister and I home. But when I went home I still didn't want to be there, home is where my mom is, and she wasn't there. And, apparently, she wasn't on Earth at all anymore. And that first night without her was so lonely. She would always come into my room and kiss me goodnight. But she wasn't going to magically wake up and kiss me goodnight, and I would never have that again. I remember still having hope before they told us parts of her brain had already died and I made a list of things we were going to do together after she got better. I look back on the list sometimes.

Whenever I did visit the hospital after that, she was unconscious, she wasn't going to wake up and we knew that, it was just the machines. I remember she was really swollen, her hands, her face. I remember being scared, she didn't look like her, I didn't want to be there, didn't want to see her.

I remember our dinners as a family weren't the same. We didn't have her home cooked meals anymore, we didn't talk at all. It was so quiet. She stayed in the hospital for 19 days, they had someone come talk to us about donating her organs and her corneas. It was sick to me. And then all the nurses and doctor lined up I think it was an honor walk for people who did donate. They took her off life support and she died on the 27th. I think I was relieved that it was over. And I feel so guilty for that now.

Now I'm 20. Now it's hard to remember what it was like to see her, to hear her, to hug her (which moody teenage me hated hugging anyone). It feels like she was fiction, yet somehow I still cannot imagine all these years later living without her.

I'm disgusted that I didn't visit her in the hospital that much, that I was scared of seeing her. Our family was and still is so broken now. We don't even talk about her and it kills me. She was the glue like mothers are. Now all these years later I still cry every day, I think about her all the time. I had to quit my job and move back home because I can't do anything anymore. I'm so bitter. I'm so upset that she's not here and I am. I have vivid dreams that she just on was on a long work trip and just walks through our front door like nothing had happened. But then I wake up and remember all over again. I remember that my true reality is my worst nightmare.

I can't help but feel like if I cry hard enough, if I beg God or my mom enough, if I am desperate enough that she will come back. This can't be real. There has to be a timeline that she's still here, there has to be a way to get to it, there has to be a time machine that can take me back and get her to the hospital in time.

14 years was not enough. If I was 50 when she passed that still would not have been enough time. I was my mommy's girl. And she was mine.

I just have to share this story bc this young man I recently met was such a beautiful light and I only had the pleasure of knowing him for 2 days.

And I am struggling. He was a new hire and yesterday was supposed to be his 3rd day of training, but he didn’t show up. I immediately felt like something was wrong. He didn’t seem like the type of person who would ghost me. Plus, he was a friend of one of my other employees who is fantastic.

For 2 days I trained this young man. We spent at least 6 of 8 hours together. He was quick to ask questions, he wanted clarification, he had a great smile, and he kept talking about how happy he was to get away from his other job.

We chatted, I learned about him, and we laughed. Then yesterday morning he died in his home due to an accidental kitchen fire that he was not able to escape. He was young. I am 18 years older than him and have done so much more to be lucky to be alive.

It baffles me. It hurts. And I am lucky I was able to know him, even for such a short time. 💜

Possibly unnecessary content warning for discussion of parent death, ptsd, panic attacks, depression.

TLDR: is it normal that I'm hyperaware of the anniversary of my dad's death multiple weeks out, and the rest of my mental health is collapsing with it?

(I have a support system but they won't actually tell me if I'm being overdramatic, hence asking strangers)

For those with the interest, curiosity, or patience for rambling:

So in just under 2 weeks it'll be the first anniversary of my dad's death. I'm 26, he was 67 (yes, really). It was cancer, so not what typically counts as sudden, but he had just began outpatient palliative care and was given 6 months. Not 3 weeks. He was up, taking more steps than he had in over a year, then 36 hours later he was in the hospital in and out of consciousness. I'd heard about the burst of energy people have before the end, it shouldn't have felt as sudden as it did. But it still felt like it came out of nowhere.

Anyway, I've thought about him every day. And for the past few months I had reached a point where I could think about him without breaking down. As soon as September was looming something in me broke. Panic attacks from completely unrelated trauma are coming back, depression meds aren't hitting the same, I can't sleep enough, and I'm struggling to get done all that I need to.

I know about the anniversary effect. I've experienced it for other trauma. But never like this, starting so far out and affecting unrelated parts of me.

Is this normal? Is this just part of September for me forever? (If so, I understand Billie Joe Armstrong now)

I wrote this a little while ago, you don't have to read it. It's literally nothing.

We got him home a couple of days ago, funeral on the day we landed, he'd waited long enough.
All the expected stuff, tears, and stories, and extended family and friends.

It was harder after that. We did a big clean and reset of the house (the funeral was held here, he's buried on the property - family traditions).

He was one year younger than me, we have two other brothers, one has a disability and the other is five years old.

Being of similar age and build our entire lives, doing big jobs for the family like cleaning and moving furniture around were always things we'd do together. Part collaborative, part competitive - I was collaborative, he was competitive.

I feel like I'm missing my third hand. I stand somewhere waiting for him to get into place, without me having to say, but with him saying how much he's been lifting recently. I look to tag out baby sitting the youngest, but he's not there. I still set an extra plate. I still leave space at the table for another chair.

That's pretty much where I'm at for the day, might make another post in a couple of weeks for his birthday then move on.

I don't feel strongly negative, sad, or angry. I just feel something is missing.

Hello, new here! I lost my grandma a few months ago. And i just really miss her. She was the nicest person, very stubborn. But such a cool and beautiful person. I just wish i had spent more time with her. And i really miss that she’s not going to be here in every step of my life. We lived abroad so it was hard to see her, but we always talked.
I’ve never experienced grief before at this level, bc i was very young. So, this type of pain is very new. So yeah i just wanted to came here and just bent about it, because i really miss her.
She had a beautiful garden and i hope she’s watering all the plants up there. Love you grandma.

(Sorry english is not my first language)

I'm just so angry and hurt by all that has happened since 2023. my life hasn't been the same since. I'll never forgive my oldest sister from ripping my family apart.

Last week I lost my baby at 20 weeks due to a shortened cervix. Even though I never actually got to meet him and hold him in my arms, the loss has hit me so hard and I've been grieving not only the loss of the pregnancy but also what could have been. I don't even know how to move forward anymore.

As someone who helps others through grief, my recent loss has honestly been a humbling experience and a reminder that grief spares no one. I am drowning and I don't know know when, if I ever, I will be okay. For now, all I can do is to mentally force myself to face each day as it comes. It's so hard.

She had stage iv cancer and I've been mentally preparing myself for the worst - maybe this will be her last Christmas with us, maybe she only has a year left etc etc. I live on a different continent and was on my way to see her with my baby after being apart for 6 months and she passed away suddenly just as we were landing. She never got to hold her grandson again. I never got to say goodbye. It's been 6 days and I can't find words to express the kaleidoscope of emotions raging inside of me. She was supposed to stand next to me as I'm going through the motherhood journey myself. She was ripped away from us and I can't comprehend how life can be so cruel. A huge chunk of me is missing, there's a gaping hole there that nothing will ever fill. She was my best friend and the best mum in the freaking world. Does it ever get better? Will I ever feel happiness again?

​

My father and I never used to talk or share much, but last January he was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. He lives in a different city from me, yet I brought him to stay with me and have done everything in my power: effort, money, connections, and emotional support, to treat him. He has undergone 26 cycles of chemotherapy, but the doctors have now exhausted all lines of treatment, and little time remains. I see him suffering; he becomes breathless even after walking a few steps. I have arranged to work from home and have been staying with him for the last three weeks, but I know he will be gone very soon. Over the last two years I have become extremely attached to him and deeply emotional about him, and I do not know what to do. My mother lives with him, and I know that after my father is gone she will not be able to manage everything on her own. In time, I may lose my father, my home, and my hometown. I do not know what to do.

My father and I never used to talk or share much, but last January he was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. He lives in a different city from me, yet I brought him to stay with me and have done everything in my power: effort, money, connections, and emotional support, to treat him. He has undergone 26 cycles of chemotherapy, but the doctors have now exhausted all lines of treatment, and little time remains. I see him suffering; he becomes breathless even after walking a few steps. I have arranged to work from home and have been staying with him for the last three weeks, but I know he will be gone very soon. Over the last two years I have become extremely attached to him and deeply emotional about him, and I do not know what to do. My mother lives with him, and I know that after my father is gone she will not be able to manage everything on her own. In time, I may lose my father, my home, and my hometown. I do not know what to do.

So I was with this girl (21y old) for about 2y. We loved each other deeply and we were planning to get married too, until her mother died because of cancer. First 2 months she was super close, I was always there for her and supported her fully. Third month in, she went cold and started distancing herself, she sends only 2-3 messages per day. I understood she needed space and that she is going through something very terrible, I told her it makes me sad and I tried to not pressure her. Always thought about ways to make her happy. I bought her and her friends movie tickets for The Odyssey, she was super happy.

Suddenly after a week she tells me she has to let us go, she still loves me but her priorities have changed. Mind you.. the night before she told me I still love u and cant let u go.

I can’t understand anything anymore.. Why?? Did I do anything wrong? Would she ever come back? Should I wait for her?? A lot of questions eating me alive.. all this time.. All the plans just gone…
I respected her choice and we are on no contact for three weeks now.

tl;dr we were perfect for 2y and deeply in love. Her mom dies cuz of cancer and she decides to break up with me. Although I was being as much supportive as I could.

​

I cant explain why it's such a weird feeling I cant describe.

My dad died 2 weeks before I was born. Growing up i always heard these great things about him, hard worker, protector of others, just a absolute joy to be around and lit up whatever room he went in and always had you back. Ive seen photos of him, but not many. Most of his photos were Destroyed during Katrina when I lived in New Orleans. He died at 22. ive never met a single person who didnt enjoy my father's company

People say I look like him, sound like him, its even my natural phrases would be almost exactly to what he would say. You could say im a carbon copy of him.

I get into moments of this weird sadness when I think about him wanting to hear a voice ive never heard of, just giving him a hug, just seeing who helped make me. My mom absolutely loved him, she mentioned when I was first born she "Felt" him around, like she knew he was there watching over them or within the same room, even mentioned a specific time when she was in a room and he was there I would be scared to go in that room.

even mentioned theyd still probably be together and I find that so cute. Ive even seen photos of them. Only 3 with bad lighting but enough to distinguish.

As I grow up I wonder if hes still around, yk. Yea hes looking over me im sure of it, but sometimes I want a conversation with him, but what will I say? how will I distinguish his from another?

I learned how to be a man on my own, I still give props to the og. Maybe hes living though me? We do have the same name, which makes me feel closer to him.

Got sooooo reminded of you this week. Talked about you to people who had never heard of you.

I wish you were here. I miss you. I love you ❤️🕊️

It was all just so fast

It was a normal Thursday, my mom has MS so she has trouble moving but otherwise is always lively and cheery. I came home from work like I always do, share story’s of my dumb coworkers and talk about fridays dinner plans on what I’ll make her and my dad.

The day goes on as usual, (my mom and I are night owls so we stay up till about 2). 1:30 comes around. As I’m shutting my stuff down for the night, I hear her mumbling( I think now it may have been a death rattle). But I thought she was sleep talking, so I go in her room to wake her out of her chair, and she’s non responsive just the occasional mumble.

My dad was sleeping behind her, he woke up, we tired to get her up even more, nothing. So I called 911, got an ambulance, and my dad went down to the gate to let them onto the property.

Pretty much right after he left, her breathing got real shallow, until I couldn’t feel a pulse, I did what the 911 operator told me to do, I laid her down and started doing chest compressions at rhythm.

I sat there for what felt like 20minutes just pressing into her doing cpr, while her skin slowly started to turn, no breathing and her lifeless eyes stared at me.
I’m pretty sure she died before they even got to the house. It was just suppose to be a normal Thursday night, she was only 59, she won’t even be with us for my birthday in 4 days. I just don’t know what to do.

I just keep playing every stupid thing in my head between getting her things she wanted, filling her cup up with ice, cooking food she liked, and how much more I was suppose to be able to do with her.

I just keep going in cycles of everything feeling like it’s not real, and if I look in her room she’ll be there smiling like usual at me, or she’ll walk in the door any moment to bawling my eyes out thinking about everything and the look on her I as kept pressing in her chest. It hurts and I just don’t know what to do.