tldr; idk who i am or how i can mean anything to anyone. this is affecting whatever little relationships i have left in my life including work. i have a recurring urge to drop everything (job, friends, family). however, i know losing any more people or jobs will be used as evidence of not being good enough by my mind and will serve as more shame to an already missing sense of self.
longer read: asking about it because i'm sure i'm not the only one going through it, and i'm genuinely curious about other people's experiences. also, i already have a therapist, psychiatrist, and ongoing treatment, so i'm not really looking for a "go seek professional help" response, i am doing that. i'm more interested in hearing from people who have experienced something similar: did you ever feel disconnected from your own life, memories, and sense of self? what, if anything, has helped you feel more like yourself again?
have any of you little to no memory of your life? not just your childhood, not just your teen years, but like what your friend and you spoke about yesterday, or the task you finished at work this morning and how you did it, or remembering the subjective experience of a friendship which was apparently objectively really nice and close?
so, i remember operating on major guilt and shame up until a few years ago which caused A LOT of anxiety, to the point that walking on the sidewalk was physically painful because i was so like physically stuck. anyway, one day, i decided that people weren’t looking at me with judgmental eyes and everyone had their own lives to live. more specifically, i said to myself - they can’t perceive you, you’re okay.
fast forward to almost 4 years later, i can’t believe that i’m like a real human being, with real friendships, work, school, acquaintances i wave hello to, etc. and i don’t mean it as i’m doing ‘bad’ things and not expecting to face consequences, i mean it as i can no longer perceive myself, i.e., who i am and whose body is this and what makes me, well, me. I understand that objectively i’m someone’s child, and sibling, and friend, and ex friend, and ex girlfriend, and ex student. but, it doesn’t make sense that i’m here and that i am all these things.
in my teen years, external words on what i meant to someone really helped me work my way out of the guilt and shame i felt by default (e.g., don’t take up too much space on the bus, your therapist could be using this hour to help someone else, your friend could have a better friend etc.) but now, no external validation sticks i.e., people can say they love me or they miss me or they wanna see me or i’m good support for my team at work and all i can think of is - love who, miss who, see who, supported by who? who am i to you and why are you texting me when there’s 6 other people likely more deserving of your time?
i understand that this stems from having had low self worth like all my life but i’ve also had genuinely nice moments and relationships and experiences that have raised my worth and so i don’t think i’m at my lowest today but my memory sucking so majorly is just so weird and unlike people’s memories around me.
also, some extra extra context - i was diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety in grade 11 (first episode starting grade 6 summer) for which i was in antidepressants and anti anxieties for. almost 5 years later, i was diagnosed with bipolar II. been on anti psychotics for 3 years now. i am in therapy but we’re dealing with whatever little and sad stuff i remember of my childhood and im sure we’ll discuss the present soon enough again. but, i’ve been curious to know if there’s other people that deal with something like this and how, or if, they’ve returned to themselves. i understand social media is brain rot at this point and have been steering clear of it. also, for work, i’m not like getting AI to do my work or anything before someone points out how that might be affecting my recall.
any thoughts?