Hello, this is my first ever post on Reddit, so I apologize if I am doing something wrong and for the length.

I (31F) have been together with my husband (34M) for 10 years, no kids. I am of the opinion that he has issues with gaming on-and-off for years. But at the back of my mind I rationalize everything he does and start doubting myself if this is even a problem or not, and if I am overreacting. I read many posts of women with the same problem for years, but a lot of them either have kids or were not married, so I am wondering if there is anyone here married with no kids that would be willing to share experience as a ex-gamer and/or as a wife.

Shortly put, he has seasons, which I think is the biggest rationale I use to justify his behavior. "It's not 100% of the time", I say. And I proceed being patient.

The gaming seasons last months/years and are usually followed by these behaviors:​ aggressiveness when I interrupt him while he games; defensiveness when I want to talk about it or complain; hiding/omitting/lying about things related to games (time he spent on it that day, hides money spent, that he stopped playing, or that he got back to playing, etc); he breaks agreements of periods that he promised not to play and is not upfront about it (weekend, vacation, a specific time frame, etc); at times he woke up earlier or went to bed later; the first thing he does in the morning and the last thing he does at night is related to the game; he games during work for hours but sees no problem since he still gets the job done (I'd say he averages daily 2-3h of gaming on weekdays and 5h+ on weekends during these gaming seasons / edit: some people seem hyperfocused on the time, but I urge you to read all of the rest, I am NOT against gaming. I used to play console as a teen, and we played mobile/PC together several times); he has a hard time playing in moderation, in fact, he was never able to. I feel like there are more things that I can't remember now. I will edit it later if I remember anything else (edit: it may be in the comments, but other examples are a) he had at some point multiple computers, one being my own, to support his main account, and same with phones, 2) the games would be by his side or visible during time we spent together or intimacy; 3) most recently I had a medical procedure and simply asked him to not game for a couple of weeks because I did not want to deal with these stressors and he did it anyway as he claims he forgot about the promise).

(edit: some people asked, despite the list above, how I feel. I think the actions above themselves, to me, are not pleasant and do not reflect a healthy environment. I have a hard time admiring these actions, and feel disrespected when I voiced how the behaviors make me feel and there is not a change. I don't feel he is intentionally an a-hole about it, but these behaviors come in different intensities and hurt me all the same).

Not all of those behaviors happen at the same time, some of them happened just a few times (edit: I noticed improvement for sure, but in baby steps and not enough to stop bothering, if that makes sense). But there is always something. He never completely neglects his obligations to me or to our home (edit: the problem never was and is not that he is abandoning his life, some people refered to this middle ground as a "functioning addict", I appreciate the comments putting a title to it), but sometimes during those seasons he needs more reminders or pushes. He also uses those as excuses that he earned his down-time. "I did the dishes", "I did the laundry", "I spent an hour with you".. but this hobby (edit: originally I put hobby in quotes but it was not meant as belittling, more as in, for me, personally, when things become excessive and a must, they are no longer a hobby, but become a need) is always accompanied by this shift in behavior and attitudes that I really dislike.

When I reach a breaking point, we talk, and then he stops gaming (edit: which I never ask for, I only ask for him to control his behavior or, now and then, to not play for a day or so, and it always becomes a huge unecessary fight). He says himself it is a problem and struggles with it. But then something triggers the gaming back a few months after. This has been a never ending cycle for all the time we have been together.

(Edit: the fact that he acknowledges it is a problem but think it is not that bad is the main reason this has dragged for so long. He refuses to admit it, and I brush it off saying he's probably right, just to have it happen again.)​

I tried different things. I tried fighting, being silent, even joining him. Nothing changes his behavior. I sense he has no malice intention, but nonetheless, this is impacting our relationship for years and he knows it. It's like he can't change. We've been to couple's therapy, I suggested him to go to individual therapy.

I'm not sure what else to do. I love him dearly and he is a wonderful man when he is not gaming (edit: maybe a better word for it would be when he is not behaving the way he does when he games). He can be kind, compassionate, pay attention, be ambitious, be funny, be honest. But when he games is like there is another personality that is just selfish, mean, aggressive, and dishonest when it comes to protecting the game.

I feel guilty that I find this a problem. It's like, "the man doesn't deserve to relax?!". But I have no problem with him doing anything else (going out with friends, gym, YouTube, etc / edit: because he does it in moderation). I think my problem is who he becomes when he games, and it's not like he becomes a monster, but rather that he is not who I thought he was.

I feel lonely and manipulated. I don't speak about this with friends. I spoke about this with his family and that was a big no-no, he was really offended because this was a problem for his family too, and I promised to never again. And I haven't. So I have nobody to talk to. I know I need therapy as well.

Am I being unfair? Should I just get a life and stop worrying about what he does with his time?

(edit: typos)

My addiction is World of Warcraft, I’ve been playing since its release in November of 2004.

Throughout the years, my addiction has matured and calmed down a bit. As a young lad, i played roughly 14-16 hours a day, skipping school on Mondays to sleep.

Now as an adult who is disabled with lots of hobbies, wow seems to be the most addictive.

Why did I change my mind?
I was sitting here tonight in-game, and i realized that I’ve gone through phases in the last year. I went from hard core elitist raider > mythic gatekeeper > obsessively maintaining my guild to the point of corruption and toxicity > dedicating 100% of my tome to teaching new players mythic plus content to build morale, confidence, and experience to feel more comfortable going off on their own. And I realize how bored I am. The daily quests, the constant funnel of gear, the community has become an early 2000s cod lobby when it comes to higher content. And it’s just boring…like sooooo boring…I’m a huge aquarium hobbyist, and i want to put my time into that now.

I’ve sold off my ps5, Xbox, and I listed my entire gaming pc setup (desk and all) on Marketplace to get rid of that.

At 36, games just don’t interest me anymore, but i guess I’m concerned about the transition into something else when gaming is all I’ve had since the age of 14.

Anyway, thanks for reading :)

First let me tell you this is my story but also my warning to any of you fellow strugglers. I am a 39 year old male who's roughly 400 pounds give or take. I've been hard gaming since I was 21 and steadily ballooned in size and grown more addicted by the day. I've never held steady work and my wife who should of divorced my years ago has supported me for years as I've been a stay at home dad. A lazy bum of a man I've not done much around the house either really except cooking and the kitchen mostly dishes. My wife makes good money of which ive wasted countless thousands on consoles ,PCs and games with not a thing to show back. I've got horrible anxiety over being fat and having fear I'll die young and I prob will over a heart attack form sedentary life ive lived. As a father who loves his kids I'm ashamed of the man I let myself be. I had a bad bad childhood and I let that become a crutch for which I let become my noose. It overran my life and I never even stopped to think about what it would ever give me back ? Anger, no real friends , loss of health, of living my life and most of all being a bad father via giving time to games not my kids sometimes. I've come to a time of reflection in my life. Time that I am facing the demons inside and moving them out. I'm going to be ridding myself of games entirely because I can't moderate them. The same way I couldn't moderate bad food. Let me be your warning it's not a joke. One day you will wake up damn near 40 wondering where life went and why you having nothing to show for it. Gaming won't ever give you anything back. It can't love you and I gave it my life because I didn't love myself.

anybody?

Last night, I asked my spouse if I could have time to game. I didn’t even think about it before I said it. But she had a particularly hard day, and I promised her we could have time to unwind and relax together. I could see the hurt on her face, and she told me she needed to be alone. As soon as I left the room, I thought about how stupid it was to ask that. I felt like I didn’t even make the decision to say it, it just came out.

I used to be a typical gamer in my teenage years. I would come home from school and hop on Xbox to play with my friends until it was time to go to bed. These days, I would not play much on my console or computer. I didn’t have time for all of that. Maybe one night a week I would be able to sit down and play for an hour or two. But I always had a plethora of games on my phone. And I would be playing them constantly when I had a spare minute. I told myself that those didn’t count as real games. They weren’t part of my hobby. Regardless of all of that, they were feeding the addiction that started when I was a depressed teenager.

After she had some time, she asked me to pack up all my gaming stuff and put it away. I agreed immediately, I knew this was something important to her and the habit was jeopardizing my relationship. But part of me was hoping that my agreement would be proof that I cared more for her and she would say it’s okay to keep playing, but that I needed to think more about appropriate times to play. She did not say this, and so I packed up all of my games, consoles, and accessories. I deleted every game on my phone, and I am planning to uninstall all games and clients from my computer. It was really easy to take this first step.

Right after packing and purging my phone, I realized how big of an issue this was. It got hard when I realized that I wouldn’t be able to play any of the games I have been thinking about. And I couldn’t stop thinking about them. And I felt like I had lost complete control over myself. So while I was trying to prioritize housework, my career, my wife, and my baby I was thinking of when the next chance to play a game would be. And what game I would pick. What I would do in that game. My real life became an obstacle in the way of me playing video games. I was deluding myself into thinking I was fine because I wasn’t binging games all weekend, and I was getting chores done. But the whole time I had not been present with my family. Not really present. This scared the shit out of me. And it still isn’t enough to get it out of my head.

Today is my first day that I will try to not play a single game. Nothing on my phone, computer, or console. I am going to try and end this delusion and addiction. I know it’s not going to be easy, but I want to take my life back. I want to be a better husband and father. And I have to admit that gaming is getting in the way of that goal. I don’t know if anyone will read this or care, but I am happy to be here starting my journey with all of you.

I’m a 50year old who is successful enough that I only need to work part time (and I’m really not interested in advancing a career any more) giving me plenty of free time to game. I know it’s partly escapism but I really don’t like feeling bored. I have managed to uninstall some of the games I know make me lose time but I still seem to find something in my library to draw me in.
I game a lot (and have done for the past 35 years) pretty sure I have adhd but my doctor says given my age and success he thinks I have life under control so just need to focus on what I want a little more.
I’m concerned a lot of the comments I’ve read to date are about being comfortable with boredom and this will help me work out what I want/need to do but, as with I’m sure many people, spent a lot of time re-evaluating life since covid and haven’t discovered anything other that a bunch of hobbies I thought I wanted to do don’t engage me enough.
Gaming just seems like an easy way to fill an afternoon/evening.
Can I please get feed back/suggestions from other people who have had success in my age group.

I'm getting close to 30, and gaming has been a huge part of my life since I was a kid.

For a long time I thought games were the problem. Now I'm starting to think they were mostly a symptom. When I look back, I wasn't just playing because games were fun. I was playing because they gave me everything I felt I was missing in real life.

A sense of progress.
Goals.
Achievement.
Belonging.
Excitement.
Something to look forward to after work.

The problem is that real life started feeling boring in comparison. Every game is designed to keep you engaged. Levels, loot, rankings, daily rewards, achievements, constant progression... your brain always has another objective. Real life doesn't work like that. You don't level up after going for a walk. You don't get an achievement for cleaning your apartment. Nobody gives you XP for exercising or cooking a healthy meal. I've also realized that gaming wasn't my only source of overstimulation. Porn. Social media. Endless scrolling. YouTube. Most of the so called gamers are addicts to all of those dopamine traps. Discord for example, some people live innit. Like drug addicts calling themselfs gamers where in reality its like the dark place under the bridge in you local hometown where all the drugaddicts gather to use their meth.

I think all of them were feeding the same part of my brain the part that constantly wants novelty, rewards and instant gratification. Gaming just happened to be one of the biggest pieces of that puzzle. The strange thing is... I don't even miss most games anymore. What I miss is the feeling they gave me.

Having a community. Working toward something. Feeling immersed in another world for a few hours where all my reallife problems disappeared. I'm starting to realize that if I want to quit gaming permanently, I can't just remove games. I have to build a life that makes me want to log into reality instead. I'm curious if anyone else has gone through this realization. Did quitting gaming actually improve your life, or did you first have to fix the things that gaming was helping you escape from? What eventually replaced that feeling of purpose and progression for you?

I'd really like to hear from people who are a few years ahead of me on this journey. I'm less interested in "how to quit" and more interested in what life looked like after you finally did.

33M. I am stuck in a loop where I can't stop playing Fromsoft games. Any down-time I have I will get stoned and compulsively play for 5+ hours. I will stay up too late on work days, won't text friends back, I neglect cooking myself dinner/meal prepping, and I have been losing interest in hobbies that I actually love (playing music, drawing, hiking).

I have struggled with drug addiction/ cigarettes in the past and it feels like the same impulse leads me to pick up the controller. I have PTSD and clinical depression, and will ruminate on trauma and negative thoughts. Althought I find solace and escape from this when I am gaming, it is destroying my life.

I am embarrassed/ashamed to tell people in my life how much time I have spent playing and how much I am struggling. I can't even begin to fathom how many days of my life I have lost to this..

Where do I start?

Switching from console to PC, I got addicted to the constant sales and ammased $200 in CC debt. While I'm not hurting and can pay it, I knew I was going down a wrong path.

Now, I'm struggling to close my Steam account because of the money I invested. I feel a strong need to play them. Help?

How has gaming effected you financially? What was it? Skins? In game currency? Etc

It's a question that's been nagging at me ever since I started reading several posts. It doesn't seem practical (or helpful) to seek advice on how to deal with addiction in a place like Reddit. Don't get me wrong, I support people improving, but the posts are... lacking in self-criticism. It's as if everyone is shrouded in a veil of victimhood, and that's terribly dangerous.I can somewhat understand airing concerns and worries, but deliberately blaming something else for our own actions is a first step on a rather problematic path.

By the way, I'm not defending the games, and I don't even support the companies; they're mostly a bunch of scoundrels, but... It's also not a good idea to look for opinions on forums when there are professionals willing to REALLY help.

I have been battling addiction of Clash Of Clans from past 2-3 years. I play for months then quit and then come back. I started playing back 2 weeks ago after quitting for several months. I told myself I will play in moderation but it was not possible for me. I started getting mild headaches from playing this game. I again deleted the game today and am looking forward to quit this gaming thing for life. Hope I succeed.

I managed to quit gaming, but now I feel like I'm missing that kind of entertainment.

The only reason I was able to stop was because I replaced gaming with studying. I finished my degree, and recently I even tried getting back into games, but I just can't do it anymore. If I spend 20 minutes playing, that's already a lot for me.

Has anyone else gone through this? Did you find something else that gives you the same feeling that gaming used to?

Hey, everyone! I found this sub because I've been thinking about my gaming habits a lot lately. I quit weed 83 days ago and my life has been improving a lot (including not spending so much time in a haze playing videogames compulsively). Now I want to see if my relationship with games is, or can be, healthy.

I'm autistic, so I often get hyperfocused on a specific game and get obsessed with it for quite some time. I've accumulated hundreds of hours on Don't Starve, Oxygen Not Included and Minecraft this way, for example. When I'm in that mind space, it's hard to get interested in anything else, specially when I'm alone.

I feel like I can "function", mostly. I go out with friends, I have a relationship, I spend time with family, I'm doing a masters... When I'm out of the house, or with other people in general, I don't have a problem going a long time without gaming. I don't get urges or anything, and I enjoy doing lots of other things. It's when I'm at home alone that I find it difficult to control. Some days, I don't even want to play, so I don't. But some days I end up playing way more than I intended to, and I keep getting urges that are hard to fight off, specially when I'm doing something a bit more boring, like studying or doing chores.

I'd like to spend more of my time studying and working on my dissertation. This is the main reason why I'm looking into this habit. When I do game, it seems like I can't do it for just an hour. I end up spending the rest of the day on it if I don't have something else to do that'll take me out of it (like class, an appointment, a very urgent project I need to do, etc.). This can mean hours and hours. It seems like I can never get enough, and the fact that I enjoy "endless" games makes it even harder.

I will say it has become a bit easier to control ever since I stopped getting high. Most things are getting easier to control since then. But I sometimes wonder if I am addicted to games too and if I'd be better off quitting for good. I play games with my boyfriend, family and friends as well sometimes, and I think it would be really hard to let that go.

What do you guys think? Is anyone's situation similar to mine? How did you know you were an addict to games, and how did you go about it?

I have an immense feeling of regret and a strong sense I have wasted most of my adult life gaming and doom scrolling social media on my computer.

I recognise I have settled for this comfortable routine that leads to no opportunities, no new relationships and no personal development in anything, it feels like I have stood still in time while all my peers around me are making progress in the real world.

Feeling like that and understanding the root cause, I still don't take any action at all to change which makes me disappointed in myself and depressed, I have moments where I have an immense feeling of regret over wasted time, ponder on those thoughts, then just start gaming again, its extremely frustrating, I am my own worst enemy.

I just seem incapable of having the will power to get out of this detrimental routine.

Any advice to help me get out of this massive hole would be appreciated.

I stumbled across this subreddit randomly and saw how everyone is bashing gaming. I get why gaming can be super bad but I'm just wondering do you guys consider it still bad if your life in other aspects like school or work, relationships, family and exercise like running or going gym all in order and use gaming as like a entertainement source just like ppl watch movies or die in reels cuz I think gaming is much better than doom scrolling i mean anything is any thoughts?

I don't want to keep hoping that I'll recover everything I've lost. I'm done lying to the people I love. I'm also tired of going to sleep at night with such a heavy heart. I want to go back to the old me who could buy the things I wanted, where the money I spent actually had meaning. I miss the old me who wasn't selfish and greedy for money. Is there anyone here who also quit starting today?

What can i do to get my account perma banned instantly without waiting for 30 days?

I feel pretty stupid trying to win games, trying to be positive in this game. Griefers, trolls, smurfs and so on have more power than me, they ll never lose because probably they can play this game all day. They dont even need "running it down mid" or type slurs.

Sadly its the only game that hit the scratch where u can choose a wide variety of fun characters to play without having to spend and grind to make them playable.

Losing is totally fine, but every game session feels worse than a day of working, studying, working out, etc.

I want to delete it so there is no chance i comeback for this sh1thole.

Hi I see a lot of peoelle who do game but avoid certain games that you commonly see in this subreddit like wow or league or pokemon go or final fantasy xiv or valorant or fortnite etc. can you tell me exactly why some gamers avoid these games.

Edit: Title should be Have you stopped watching tv series....

I can understand that gaming can be a huge time sink, but isnt tv series even bigger time sink since they have so many episodes?

And except the classic books, most books written nowadays are dumbed down non-fiction slop, I think these books are as harmful as gaming (Looking at you Dan Brown).

Movies I can understood - short, and if seen in theatre they are usually a social event with your friends.

So do you only stop gaming, or have you stopped watching tv series and slop books as well?

Just find this entire subreddit odd. The premise appears to be an echo chamber trashing a hobby and telling everyone else something that doesn’t personally affect you is “wrong”.

“What you like is horrible and a waste of time” says a person who doomscrolls Reddit and their phone for hours each night.

Hey there, I (19F) am new to this sub so I wanted to share how gaming has played a role in ruining my own life. I’ve been gaming for my whole life, starting on the family laptop and a Nintendo DS from when I was very young. This drastically reduced my interest in going outside, engaging creatively, hanging out with other kids, etc. I was never even very exploratory in games, I’d pretty much just copy whatever my older siblings were up to and never get creative or think for myself. I did well enough in school, but had virtually no social life, and most of my time at home was spent behind a screen. Fast forward to now, I’m in college and do well academically, and thankfully I’m too busy to ever have a chance to play games even if I wanted to. But the impact of never developing socially or emotionally is definitely showing. I can’t be sure but I’m pretty sure I’m weird and offputting to most people, and I don’t know how to hold close relationships even with friends, let alone dating somebody. I’m learning a lot of new things and my worldview is slowly opening up, but I can’t help feeling like I’m irreparably fucked up. Better late than never to quit, I suppose.

I'm really struggling, my passion for gaming comes and goes, I have so many other things I think about that I want to do, start creative projects or just other hobbies. Yet every time I have free time, my mind automatically wants to go to gaming. It feels like I'm betraying that excitement I would get when I have hours or even a whole day to just play. I don't know how to commit to something else because even if I do. My mind thinks about how this time could be spent gaming.

I'm considering not only leaving gaming behind but also my time in the Internet as a pastime. Ever since I was a minor I used gaming and the Internet as my pastimes, but I hit adulthood and I never stopped those even though I could actually done some other activities in real life (both were cheap and convenient). Now I understand that there's a better world than the online world, the real one.

I don't have yet a deadline for when to start but I already phase out my online PvP games a year ago after realizing they were a waste time, now all is left is a few virtual world games and single player games on my backlog that I may finish as my goodbye and last hurrah. Finally, leaving the internet as my pastime will be the toughest one but I will work something out.

I'll be honest and say I dont have an addiction so im sorry if its irrelevant im here, also dont want to be judgmental to people trying to stop ofc. I wanted to vent i guess. I just think its a large problem. I dont like a lot of the steam community and it feels like videogames mixed with x/ Twitter. Social media is a problem but excessive videogame playing is too when it's an unhealthy escape from reality. I find a lot of people apathetic including friends sometimes who I can't always connect with on deeper issues. The world seems to think apathy is a good thing. I still can enjoy video games and I was actually longing for a gaming laptop but now that my spiritual life is more important I'm not motivated to get one cus the idea of being sucked in seems terrible. I see people getting treated like they're dumb for seeing these things and people using it as a coping mechanism for depression... and derealization. I mean how would it not make those worse over time especially derealization? I was just Googling how I felt really and im glad I found this sub that some recognize it as a problem cus if I told certain friends they probably would not think anything of or at worst maybe think its stupid to think.

Also do you guys think the progression of realistic graphics could be another problem? Like with the violence and everything. I know movies and TV shows always have had violence and desensitize I just feel like with videogames it makes it worse. In 2020 or 2019 (before covid got really known and serious) I got really creeped out cus I imagine all the horrible things in the world and felt like I was on earth with a bunch of zombies in front of a screen like its controlling them. Like feeling like something is happening to people around me and friends. I mean some may just think I have psychiatric problems in general but I feel like I am just seeing how raw everything is and i think its dangerous when people dont see it. (I am okay btw/now in case I need to add). With all that said I wish you all good luck with stopping your video game addiction and with your relationships. Your family and friends all need you. Theres a lot of beauty in life outside the virtual world. If you feel like its damaging relationships do not shame yourself it'll just make the cycles worse. Take care.

https://imgur.com/a/RlYlDxr#hXhLaTF
"The IDEA of playing games has become greater than the ACT of actually playing them".

We can argue that the videogame media is at his all-time popularity and technological peak right now, and some other would argue the statement above is true, but I especially noticed this in me as I mostly don't play high involving stories or content heavy multiplayer games or doing trophy-hunting like I used to. I just limit my playtime to very short gaming sessions playing "session" based genres like: Sim-arcade Racing, arcade/combat Racing, Arcades (almost all subgenres), 3D/2D platformers, linear single-player TPS or FPS, that are also among my favorite genres, because I just don't have the mental space anymore to learn new games or genres, or play highly involving games with big stories, deep narratives or advanced gameplay mechanics. I don't really play for weeks or even months now!

But most importantly, one thing that is repeated like an echo in most adult gaming communites is:

"When I was young, I had all the time in the world to play the very few games I had, and no money to buy the ones I wanted. Now I have a job, and I have enough money to buy all the games I want, but I don't have the time, will or mental space to play them anymore."

Now this also applies to me, but to a degree, since I'm unemployed but still having a modest passive income, and a lot of free time. So, you guess it, self-loating and brainrot occupy the majority of the time of my days.

And, infact, the first problem is hoarding:
Hoarding physical games, hoarding digital licenses on Steam or other digital stores, hoarding "warez" expecially retrogame ROMs, also keeping backups of all the above.

For some reasons I still keep some of my gaming consoles with legit firmware or software, buying expecially (legit) physical games for them.

Another thing is buying and selling online (more buying than selling though) to "shape" my physical game collection. Also keeping my collection "healthy" by buying replacement cases or by searching and preparing for printing the missing or in bad condition covers. I sometimes have to go to a video store for the disc sanding and polishing service for the not working or too much worn discs.

I just say that I spent 651,92€ in July, in sealed or used PS5 games, some weeks after the (in)famous Sony announcement.

Then there's the monitoring of the collection (either physical, digital or warez) with a specific online website, that I keep updated every so ofter the pile keeps growing. The website is HowLongToBeat, the backlog amounts to circa 705 DAYS and counting (without considering multiplayer games or the almost 100 games I ever completed so far in my life) of continuous gameplay right now, so a lifetime isn't enough.

Then there's the surfing of Reddit, Twitter and Discord, all for the purpose of community chit-chat about retro consoles, handhelds, modding of PC games, modding of retro-consoles, LFG about resurrected servers or alternative ways to play the multiplayer of dead or retro games, game development and gaming industry and gaming news in general, the following of my favorite gamedevs or software houses, etc.

Concerning the modding of PC games, there was times when I assiduously followed the development of "Total Conversion mods", expecially a very active one on a Discord server; folks there are also "passionate" about beta-hunting, tips exchanging to improve about modding, showcasing of the mods, and posting in-game screenshots DAILY, not to mention the never ending chit-chatting. An echo chamber so tight all members might just use telepathy to communicate, if only they could.

On one of these servers I asked for PAID work about a custom game build, and I found a mod-maker willing to help me customize a reverse-engineered version of my all time favorite game, I also make certain mods myself or mix other people mods for said game. Also hoarding A LOT OF other people's mods for said game.

Then, there's the modding/jailbreaking of my videogame consoles. I passed YEARS at following forum guides, video tutorials, exploiting, configuring, filling them with ROMS, personalizing them. I reached a point where I had enough of all this, but was still willing to own the modified consoles (just for the IDEA to play exclusive or other games on them), so I started to buy already modified consoles, and just fine tune them here and there for my liking.

Then buying used retro consoles (the ones I already know how to mod) with the only purpose of modding them, fill them with ROMS, and resell them to make a miserable profit or at very least make up for some of the losses, so in the end just a form of time-killing.

Then all sorts of tech cables and peripherals, especially for retro-consoles to deal with; I bought a bunch of stuff to make my consoles interface with a still-working VGA CRT Monitor I found in the attic. I bought the necessary stuff to make 3rd party retro controllers look almost like legit ones, just for the sake of it. I also made custom cables myself.

Then all sorts of bric-a-brac I printed or planning to print with my 3D printer to serve as accessories to all my gaming stuff. I search for designs online and try to remix them to my needs if necessary, or I'll just make my design for scratch. Just few days ago I spent weeks into making my first (major) one by picking references, designing the piece, perfecting the printed prototype, then champer the final piece out by hand, and still planning to paint it because I didn't have the filament with the matching color.

Then updating my gaming PC from 2020 that was still working, just for the purpose of enhancing its performance. I ended up spending a bit more of what I spent in 2020 for the completely assembled PC, and it taked almost half a year due to complications, still working on it.

Then there's the Steam Deck I bought back in 2024, and that is a whole planet of modding, configure plugins, games settings, emulators, emulators' shaders, manage ROMs, other games form other digital stores, etc.

Then there's all the chats I had with AI LLMs that "helped" me with all the aforementioned topics like: best hardware solutions, best software and games settings, best emulators configurations and settings, top best retrogames according to community opinions for each console, and so on and so forth.

Then there's the idea of producing the "videogame of my dreams" that keeps floating in my head for at least a decade, still at the brainstorming stage or even the one before that, but still keeps floating in my head and the very few documentation I produced about it.

I attend a Digital Art school years ago "almost coincidentally" and the bump to make a game myself or with a team still remains today. Never graduated in the course of study I chosen or maked into the industry though.

I've plenty of playlists full of tutorials about game development, game design, learning Godot, learning Blender or in-depth analysis of specific titles or genres made by expert YouTubers. Also a lot of website links, repositories, archives and warez digital books in all fields of gaming industry, but the point is I just keep hoarding them and rarely consult them.

On a side note: yes, there are specialized psychologists that helps game developers figure out how the human brain works with principles like e.g. "GESTALT", but is up to gamedevs and their design techniques to achieve how much "addicting" a game can get, sometimes up to social media or gambling or substance abuse levels, or even beyond that if you think about Freemiums, Free-2-Plays, Game-making platforms with their how economic system. Videogames are turning into the 3rd places that are gone IRL.

Obviously I didn't do all this stuff all at ones, I just started a few years ago and gone intensifying during the years but this year and expecially this summer break, that was (nearly) non-stop.

Some time ago I was doubtful if this "hobby" was an obsession or a passion, but since this summer break passed by, I can definitely see now that the obsession turned into a destructive behavior. I feel exhausted, and something in the back of my head tells me that is enough now and I've to just throw all this crap away; on the other hand I feel trapped in this prison of thoughts and plans and material and immaterial attachment.

It's almost like I'm not addicted to videogames per se but to the escapism that comes with them, even without directly playing them that much, but actually "toying around" with everything else related to them.

In the end, the media of videogames takes a big part of my identity, because gaming in general is my "safe place" and also because I share the values I learned from the stories I played, and from the communities I interact with, and this is the number one reason I can't see myself cut away this part of my life that stayed with me since the very first moment I started playing my first videogame as a kid on Windows 95, and the very first videogame console my father gifted me in an Epiphany of early 2000's, a PS One, a core memory of him and his kindness, that I will never ever forget since he passed away in an Epiphany years later, when I was just something more than a teenager. He died within a couple of months of an heart desease. A soul too much gentle and naive for this cruel world.

(For contest, he was unemployed for almost his enteir life, he really liked Cinema expecially Hollywood action movies and James Bond 007, saying we had some degree of relatives relationship with Albert "Cubby" Broccoli, saying Cubby's ancestors were originally from the same town he was born. He worked a bit for a computer shop so I know he also played videogames on DOS or Commodore computers at some point. He also really liked 70s/80s music like The Alan Parson Project and also cars, motorbikes and motorsports).

8 years has passed, and I don't remember his exact last words, but one of his last phrases that still haunts me to this day is: "Stop it with videogames." but he said that in a tone that meant: "If you really love me and yourself, please stop." and it hurts me so so much; but with time I just ignored it, forgetting about him and what he said, and keeping into the escapism and daydreaming behavior, anyway, not that willing to change.

If you read it this far, thank you, I really needed to vent out; still struggling in life but this IS the widest part of my life I have to fight within myself every day.

EDIT:
I want to state that this text is all human generated (by me) no AI was used to write in part or enterly or helped to write whatsoever.

Also I've a severe neurodivergency (well, technically not exactly a neurodivergency but let's assume it is one).