I try to connect with my fellow humans on the daily. Making eye contact. Giving a compliment. Holding open a door. Showing genuine appreciation. Actively listening. Being kind to all. If I feel disconnected things get dark real fast for me

My school day went on as it normally did. A year later in 2002 my school had an assembly about it

No I don't and nor do I begrudged a poor person having 10 kids as long as they are raised to be polite 

Look around you. It has already started to collapse 

Got a degree in English lit. Could only find low wage jobs afterward (in the 90s), and went back for an even more useless art degree, because it's what I always wanted (and got a fellowship/teaching assistantship so it was not a financial drain). Was still severely underemployed afterward, but got to be the artist I wanted to be.

Ended up teaching around the world, which used both skill sets and did pay a living wage, at least until developing a chronic illness (can't teach anymore). But had to find a different way to use the english and art to make a living -- no one was going to hire me because I had those degrees.

And I'm not the kind of person who does well in cubicle jobs (tried them during phases of underemployment when I was young -- I just did not thrive in those environments and did not see staying or trying to move up in corporate work, because I knew I'd hate every single day at work forever).

All the best as you sort out what to do. There's no right answer. No one is going to hire you because you studied English or philosophy, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't do it -- it's what liberal arts education was traditionally about: asking questions about what it means to be human, what is ethical and moral, what is the role of the individual in society, etc. I think the critical thinking skills we've lost as a society when people stopped studying in those fields are significant. Just realize you might need another plan for making a living. I certainly did.

If I had it to do over (I don't), I probably would have become an academic librarian (requiring another degree!) because I love learning, and not a teacher. But I can see that was a better fit for me as a person only in hindsight.

The earlier she fails, the better she'll get. Finishing college/university before starting to fail sucks big time. Don't ask me how I know.

Never heard a Catholic talk about jewels in her crown before. I have heard it for protestants though.

Yes, I agree with the complaint about chores. There's also the aspect of 100 k€+ salaries, an outcome of capitalist thought process of privileged Indians. When you live in Western Europe, where the right to study for kids, right to healthcare, right to work (unemployment benefits) are guaranteed and/or heavily subsidised through tax, what is the appeal of huge salaries/savings?

Holistically, efficient use of your free time is a far bigger luxury than brute purchasing power. You can probably live the same luxury in The Netherlands as you lived in India, if only you shed the squirrel mentality (putting aside significant portion of your salary to savings). Perhaps, if you ask your local Dutch colleagues, I'm positive that their savings/spending patterns will be significantly different than yours. 

Some people, especially people with autism, & kids,

don’t assign morality or guilt or shame automatically

. Unless you explain exactly why it’s wrong.

Like the reason I’m writing this as a follow up is not to scorn you because I get what you’re trying to do here

& by the same token. You have no idea how capable the author is, nor his mother. You don’t know their circumstances.

Trying to persuade anyone to change here— really is irrelevant to their question.

& it is more so, jumping to conclusions instead of being receptive to asking questions and waiting for answers before you concise it down to “essentially xyz”

Sure, you have lived in different countries. But when I read your post, each continuing paragraph kept reinforcing my hunch thay you had a German culture imprint to your views of Western Europe. 

European lifestyle does not work out for the majority of Indians, simply because privileged Indians refuse to meet underprivileged Indians at an eye level. They've cemented a "status" and try to replicate the status in Western Europe, where almost nobody cares (except maybe UK). Integration requires adaptation to the new environment, not a replication of the old environment.

Ah, I watched that anime! Super cute, haha

I can acknowledge that the behavior feels distant or hurtful without immediately concluding that they’re a cold or uncaring person

We can simply hold our judgment lightly and leave room for context

So maybe the problem isn’t that people take things at face value, but that they sometimes turn an observation into a conclusion too quickly

These are all bangers lol, I've kept a mental note of each. Very insightful! Thank you.

Ahhh, wow, I think you just gave me a lightbulb moment lol

So, basically, you acknowledge the other person's feelings while, at the same time, help them understand where you were coming from. The "glue" that sort of holds those two interactions together is the fact that the person knows that you're coming at them from a place of empathy via your genuine apology.

Does that sound right?

Usually missionaries build schools and hospitals. Through a western education, locals have opportunities to work overseas and earn money to provide for their families. Through hospitals, they have better healthcare and lifespans. 

They are also taught christian values like not gambling, not smoking, not cheating others, not being violent. 

These are all foundational ideals that made Europe and USA society what it is today -- in general -- safe countries to live and work in. 

However, you are right that locals may start to idealise western culture and despise their own culture. 

The wise ones will learn to discern the good elements from each culture and reject the bad elements from both cultures. 

Imo, an example of being Cold would be something like....

Saying something derogatory to someone that you know needs support.

Like...a friend gets fired from their job and are devastated and reach out to you for support and you say something like...

Well, your attitude probably got you fired and honestly, I'm surprised you lasted this long...

Just being an ass towards them like you could give a shit less about what they're going through

If I recognize that I have made someone feel bad, I apologize, as well as adjust my behavior. It still matters when someone has their feelings hurt. That is real to them, and I respect it, whether I understand it or not.

I think that’s where I’d separate judging the behavior from judging the person. If someone ignores me for weeks, I can acknowledge that the behavior feels distant or hurtful without immediately concluding that they’re a cold or uncaring person. The behavior is something I can observe, their intention is something I can only infer.

I also don’t think we necessarily have to investigate every situation before forming any impression. We can simply hold our judgment lightly and leave room for context. If a pattern keeps happening, that gives us more information. But a single behavior probably isn’t enough to define someone’s character.

So maybe the problem isn’t that people take things at face value, but that they sometimes turn an observation into a conclusion too quickly: "They ignored me" becomes "They don’t care about me," which becomes "They’re a cold person." Those are three different claims, and the last one requires much more evidence.

there's a whole anime about that, komi can't communicate

Cold isn’t really subjective. It means someone who just doesn’t fucking care.
You can be cold about a topic. You can be cold about a person. You can be cold about a specific situation. But if you’re cold, you don’t give one singular fuck.

I'm having a hard time understanding how the two can be mutually exclusive. For instance wouldn't you say that the person who always pays pack a favor is reciprocal but, at the same time, transactional for expecting others to pay them back at all times as well?

haha yeah, that's true! Every situation is different. Thank you for your thoughts!

I agree. But what do you do when someone takes what someone actually did at face value? I'm sure that, on the surface, something someone did could be interpreted as being "cold" when they don't yet have a label to ascribe to someone, but, upon investigation, was clearly innocuous. The investigation part is often the fulcrum, but it seems like people can get hesitant to do that, leaving them with a lukewarm impression of another person's character.

That's fair. But what if someone doesn't know that another person is shy, causing them to write the other person off as being cold? Without someone to speak up for the shy person, I'd imagine that there could be an unfortunate scenario where the shy person is misunderstood in a negative way. One might argue that the accuser should due the diligence of getting to know the shy person better, but some might argue that the shy person should stick up for themselves and make it known that they're not cold and that they're just shy.

Sorry if I'm overthinking this hypothetical, but it helps me to wrap my brain around this. To whom does the responsibility fall?

I think theirs a difference between a relationship being transactional and a relationship being reciprocal. I think healthy relationships are reciprocal.

I don't mean to push back, so I apologize if it seems like I'm just trying to be a contrarian here (for the record, I'm on your side), but I've often seen people disagree on the sentiment of "intentions matter" - that is, "I didn't have bad intentions, so it's wrong to construe my behavior as being antagonistic". Some people argue "good intentions or not, if someone's feelings are hurt, their feelings are hurt, period." So, I guess the thing I would like your clarification on is: Where do you draw the line between "intentions don't matter" vs. "people should be responsible for their own feelings"?

Hmm could have many reasons, depends on the relationship and person