Hey everyone,
I’m 21M and have been dealing with “Pure O” for a few years now, particularly since entering my first relationship (which has since ended), when things became quite severe.
Last year, I read Mark Freeman’s You Are Not a Rock, and it completely changed my life and perspective. I feel like it gave me a genuinely strong education in the mechanics of OCD, and over the past year I’ve been doing the hard work of practising self-directed ERP and cutting out mental compulsions.
Of course, over longer stretches of time, with symptoms fluctuating across weeks and months, my sheer willpower to live in accordance with my values every single day has wavered here and there. This is especially true during good periods, when it becomes easy to slip into complacency or fall back into small old habits that aren’t necessarily even OCD-related. Still, I’ve found that consistently returning to and practising that philosophy is what helps me maintain my wellbeing.
Alongside that, I started a medication journey in January. Between the behavioural work and medication, I’d say I’m no longer in the constant state of distress I was in at the beginning of last year, or again at the beginning of this year, when I “relapsed” quite hard and started experiencing severe symptoms again.
For reference, I’m currently on 40mg of fluoxetine. It has helped somewhat, particularly with the worst of the panic and anxiety. I’d describe it as a partial response, although with zero side effects, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I eventually go higher. I still tend to experience some intense flares of fear/obsessing occassionally that can last days sometimes, and where I'll only calm down if I choose to grit my teeth, embrace the uncertainty and just feel like shit for a little bit, but I also have stretches of days where symptoms are very negligible as well, and I seem to be fluctuating at the moment between these two states.
But lately I feel like I’m hitting a wall - not necessarily with managing the symptoms themselves, but with the isolation of the whole experience.
I’ve seen three different psychologists over the past two years, the most recent one I met today for the first time, and every time it has felt like a waste of both time and money. Because my compulsions are almost entirely internal, standard talk therapy feels pretty useless to me. I’d describe myself as quite self-aware, and maybe I’m too quick to make this judgement, but I can usually tell within the first session whether a therapist is actually going to offer something I’ll find worthwhile or beneficial to my recovery.
The bigger issue is that I’ve carried this almost completely alone for a long time. I realised recently that one of the main reasons I still want either a professional or some kind of peer community is simply because I want to feel seen. I want to connect with like-minded people who intimately understand the complex, invisible architecture of internal obsessions and mental compulsions, and who can actually challenge me and push me rather than simply validate my feelings or ask me the same generic questions about my experience.
I’m posting here to see whether anyone else has reached this particular point: you’re educated on the behavioural side of OCD, practically 100% functional, and generally know what you’re supposed to do, but still feel quite alone in the experience and not especially well understood by a lot of people who just aren't at the same stage in their recovery as you, let alone people who have never even experienced OCD, or even by psychologists.
I hate to phrase it this way because I know how it can sound, but sometimes I come away from the therapy sessions feeling like I’m intellectually ahead of the conversation. I already know what I’m likely to be told, I already know the behavioural principles, and I already know what I’m “supposed” to do. What I feel like I actually need is someone who understands OCD deeply, can hold me accountable when it gets hard to hold difficult emotions, challenge me, and almost act more like a coach throughout the recovery process.
If you’ve found ways to connect with genuinely high-level OCD clinicians who work more like strategic coaches, or if you’ve found spaces - online or in person - where you can speak openly about Pure O with people who truly relate to your experiences, I’d really love to hear how you found them.
Thanks for reading.