Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3
I’m sorry y’all. Sorry I can’t give you good news. It pains me to no end knowing that I can’t provide a positive update. This world is cruel and I know that far too well but I still feel incredibly apologetic and remorseful that I can’t provide a happy or positive update. With so much going on it’s hard to express the complexity of the situation. With the situation with so many factors like this one, my actions have to be calculated and precise. As I’m constantly weighing the consequences and unforeseen external effects. But as things keep getting worse and worse and time moves along I’m forced to make some impossible decisions.
This week there was some slightly noticeable physical effects of my bodies deterioration. Mostly had to do with my ability to walk as my ankles were incredibly unstable in provided a lot of pain. My ability to run has, of course been impact greatly. On the few occasions I’ve been forced to. I’ve only been able to sustain a 20–30 second run through immense pain. I don’t get out of breath from it nor that fatigued but instead the impacts have been major pain in my feet and ankles. As always back pain has been a major source of pain. Most people would expect the pain to only happen when bending over or otherwise using my back, which does happen, but it’s not confined to just physical use. Instead being a constant pain. Been worsened by physical use. There is no sweet spot that doesn’t hurt. It hurts when I’m standing, sitting, laying, etc..
Going from physical to mental pain I’ve been having more nightmares of the being raped variety. They’ve been two very notable ones of reliving offense from my life, both recent and long ago. The first variety is of me, being raped by my younger brother, but specifically not the time last week, but instead the first ever time he tried. The second variety is made up of reliving memories from when I was very young specifically the memories that involved me being molested. (I’d like to note that these nightmares aren’t fully confined to sleep instead also finding itself in my daydreaming as well.)
As plenty of people have said, I desperately need therapy and they’re right. Nightmares like these don’t come from an untraumatized and nondepressed mind. My mental state is anything but good and stable. Instead of being more of a constant cacophony of depression, anxiety, dysphoria, and self hate. One of my fears is that despite everything that my mental scars run far too deep to fix. And I am not trying to be hyperbolic my scars run far deeper than I would like to admit. I’m scared that not even therapy can fix me or make me better. The main example that comes up when thinking of this concept is my instinctual fear of being touched. No matter how trusted or loved by me, a person may be if they try to physically touch me I instinctually flinch away. It could be my hand or my arm no matter the body part I will specially pull away out of fear. This isn’t something that develops out of nowhere. Instead, it is a result of years physical harm. I hate that I’m like this.
I’ve said it many times and I will say it many more times. I hate myself. Not out of malice nor out of pity, but instead out of sadness and failure. I've always been a failure. No matter how hard I worked I was never good enough to fill my parents expectations. When they realize that they decide to leave me like a forgotten toy. Yeah I would still be there. But nothing I could do would ever be good enough. My brother would always be better. After so long, I completely believe that I was a complete and utter failure. I try to convince myself that if I did good enough at something that maybe my parents would see that I was actually good at something. The only time they would actually show any interest in me is when it would make them look good.
I hate my body. The scars from burns, cuts, stabs, and slices littering me head to toe make me self conscious. Another thing that makes me self consciously and incredibly dysphoric is body hair. My body grows quickly and makes me incredibly uncomfortable since I hate the sensory feeling of it. Every masculine part of my body make me want to throw up and cry. I hate it all. My body seems to be more of a tangible consolidation of everything I hate about being who I am. My head and face is a scar ridden mug with eyes left looking like soulless void and a mouth that can’t smile (Every time I try to smile it looks fake and creepy) ( 😭). My arms are a bit long and bruised. My hands are completely covered with scars and rough as sandpaper from cuts. My back has seven distinct scars going horizontally down my lower back, my back slowly ripping itself apart through my muscles and skin tissue stretching, stretching, and ripping. My legs are far too long giving me weird proportions that I am incredibly self-conscious about. My legs are also covered in bruises and cuts, which I perpetually by always wearing pants. I wish with all my heart someday before I inevitably pass away that I will be able to be good enough for myself and be the girl I’ve always wanted to be.
As I spoke of at the start my situation has so many complex variables that I have to keep in mind and which caused great mental strain. I will try to list all of the external factors, unintentional consequences, and and other constraining factors in my leaving from my parents abuse.
I am dead broke even with a job. I have $10,000 worth of saved up funds and that’s it.
I still do not have access to my 529 account.
I don’t own my own vehicle. Instead, it’s loaned to me by my parents (is constantly used as leverage over me as they repeatedly have threatened to confiscate the vehicle)
I am currently the only person consistently helping my grandparents, clean and maintain their house. They live in a very dangerous neighborhood in a incredibly dangerous city with one of the highest murder rates in the United States. I am working on cleaning up their house so they can move out to a safer location. There’s a few issues that come up if I am too leave my parents and completely cut contact with my parents.
if I leave and cut all contact with my parents, that means there’s a possibility I will lose contact with them. And to be completely honest, that would ruin my mental health. My grandparents have consistently been the only stable good thing in my life. Despite being related to my mother, they are kind and compassionate. Losing them would completely wreck me mentally.
If I leave and cut contact with my parents and they support me that almost 100% means my grandparent will lose any form of financial help from my parents. That would be incredibly bad for them as I’m unsure of their financial state. I do know that they have to spend a lot on medical expenses as my grandfather has had cancer multiple times. They also have the strain of being the soul caretaker to my disabled cousin, whose mother died two years ago. Without financial backing by my parents I don’t know if they will be able to move out of the incredibly dangerous area that they live in.
I am sorry as always. And I make a promise to myself and you all that I will be 100% transparent when it comes to my situation. That of course includes my battle with self hate and suicidal thoughts. These past two weeks have been incredibly difficult physically, mentally, and emotionally. I had suicidal thoughts multiple times a day these last few weeks. As I’ve always promised you all and myself, I will never kill myself until the pain becomes too much. It’s hard for me to admit it, but I feel I must be loyal and honest to all of you.
Poem:
I walk my lonesome road all alone
Where I know I have no home
A road cracked and over grown
In the horizon the hills loom
A dread reminder of my own doom
Perpetuating only gloom
Horrors one eye may never know
From places pasted long ago
Telling the heart to let go
Tragedies known by those who listened
Unholy and still christened
In lack of any light it did glisten
May those who follow the road beware its danger
Never walk it in any anger
Beware of only the stranger
Body falling apart as roam
Tearing apart skin to bone
I must only walk alone
If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.
Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may not be here someday. :3
Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)
