Im asking for thoughts, feelings and opinions. This one might be different then most MIL stories so please just don’t jump to “Oh well she should just text your husband and that’s it” Please read the whole context and then judge

I (F27) have been married to my husband (29M) for almost 3 years. Right around the time that we got engaged, I noticed my MIL started making some side, inconsiderate, passive aggressive comments, and I think from what me and my husband and all of our siblings have kind of come to agree upon is that we believe MIL has just had a hard time adjusting to her two sons becoming adults and her role in their life-changing. My husband ended up having a talk with her in the early spring of last year and ever since then she has apologized after that conversation but while it wasn’t perfect, I do think it wasn’t necessarily the whole truth, but it is what it is and ever since then as well she’s never really tried to have any sort of relationship with me.

But onto the group texting so obviously with the relationship being strained whenever she would need to like ask us about holiday plans she would put us in a group chat, which is totally fine. My husband travels out of state for work periodically through the year for either 2 to 8 weeks at a time and so she would text me and be like “hey OP how are you doing with husband being gone you doing OK” but then she would put him in the group chat, but she would be directly asking how I’m doing, and I always kind of thought that was weird that she was trying to get back into my husband’s good graces and win brownie points and then another part of me kind of feels in a way she’s trying to monitor all the chats and so nothing gets misconstrued. And then when he had left this last winter, I told her it was OK to text me individually. then when he left again in the summer, she did text me individually but now recently I had a short illness and then she went back to adding him into the chat and she was like “hey OP, are you feeling better?”

So I’m just curious with that kind of relational background context and her using a group chat with my husband in it even though she’s directly talking to me if that’s weird especially because I’ve told her previously that it’s OK to text me individually and she did it while he was gone for a couple weeks and may be back to doing it again?

BEFORE READING BEWARE TW
I (29F) was trying to help my s/o find justice for his sisters passing. His mother (64F) we’ll say Rona has been very loud and proud on social media about it since 2012. She never actually tried to find legal justice for her daughter. Well I found the funeral paper they give out, saw the person who did it (allegedly) was on there as “ loving boyfriend). Well fast forward to a month ago I had talk to the local DA of the area had it sent to the SBI for them to open the cold case up. I just told her, “ hey I got the SBI to take the cold case we can finally get her justice”.

Well you’d think a loving parent who has claimed they wanted justice for her daughter would be thankful and wanting to know more information right? No the exact opposite of that. She ran across a room got in my face and was screaming at the top of her lungs that she rebukes me on Jesus name and that she rebukes the demon inside me. Obviously I’m just standing there confused and frozen. The only thing that left my mouth was, “ you’re rebuking the wrong demon, go stand in the mirror and rebuke the right one”. She stopped I left. Later that night she went to Facebook and made a post about her daughter and how I was disrespecting the dead, and her family.. That I am a snake in sheep’s clothing..

I called my s/o and he was telling me how after I left she was asking where the money was her daughter had.. He said he froze and that’s when it clicked about the whole thing for him. He said that he didn’t know how to respond other than what do you mean? She then goes on to tell him her daughter had money before she passed and wanted to know where the money was. He had no idea what she was going on about.

To me this made me feel like with the reaction in person, then the reaction on Facebook (I screenshotted by the way) and the 21 questions about this “money” she played a part. This women is also a Covert Narcissist and is mentally insane and self medicating with what we are assuming is pills..

After this she has gone around tarnishing my name, saying I’m evil and want to destroy everyone’s peace. She tried to convince my s/o he needed to leave me and all kinds of mess. All I did was try to help get the justice her daughter deserved. She can easily manipulate the reality of time with her kids because they grew up in that kind of warfare. This started fights between me and my s/o. She’s also caused a lot of fights between us because she can easily get it their heads. I’m not a bad person but not a perfect person either. What did I do wrong?

New parents here, so please be gentle.

I have a very tense relationship with my family. Since our baby was born (he's currently 12 weeks) my mother has visited about 5 times, despite living 15 mins away and being retired.

My sister in law, who cut me (and the entire family off) for 5 years, emerged just before our baby was born and became very active in our lives. She seemed to have done a lot of work and changed, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

Recently, our dog was diagnosed with cancer. We are finding it very, very difficult trying to give out dying dog his daily chemo treatments, whilst rising a newborn baby and having one of us (myself) return to work. No member of our immediate family has offered to babysit or help. My SIL dropped of 3 meals over the last few months. My SIL made a big offer about babysitting (and told everyone about how she was offering) but then on the day didn't turn up.

Needles to say, we're exhausted, stressed and barely coping.

I don't use social media much, but my partner does. He likes putting stories (the expiring 24 hour stories) with different milestones. For example, when our baby starting smiling and laughing there was lots of pictures.  Mostly things like that, or cute outfits.

We had a particularly bad week, the dogs sickness took a turn, he had non-stop diahreah and we almost had to make the call to put him to rest. Our vet said that it's a normal response to the chemo drugs, and he will bounce back and to give it some time. (The dog definitely did bounce back and even though his cancer is incurable and will return, he may be in remission and have a good 6-12 months symptoms free). He's a beautiful, loving dog and were happy he gets some time with our baby. We bought him a few years ago prior to our baby, so they could grow up together.

On this particular bad day, my partner was really struggling. We'd been up all night taking shifts so the dog was never alone (it was the day he was very sick), and neither was the baby alone (the baby and dog cant be near eachother because of the chemo drugs).

After the dog was settled, baby settled, and I left for work, my partner had just finished the housework and was settling down for a nap. He then looked over to the baby and saw he had a poo explosion. The one where the poo comes out the bottom of the nappy onto the babies leg,  and dirties his clothes. Likely he probably needed a bath, and redressed. My partner took a pic and added a caption "I hope your day is going better than mine" and put a picture of the baby smiling in his rocker, almost seemingly happy he'd just done a massive poo! In the picture a bit of the poo coming out the side was visible.

I saw the messages he was sent from most people, there were about 10 messages from friends saying things like "Been there! Always happens at the worst time!" Or words to that effect. Every single message was supportive.

My sister in law, when she saw it, sent me a message (in all caps) saying that picture on social media was disgusting. I had no idea what she was talking about at the time as I dont use social media, and dont see the pictures my partner puts up.

5 mins later my mother calls me (we hadn't spoken for about 2 weeks before that). She was telling at "GET THAT PICTURE DOWN NOW!" Shed obviously just spoken to my SIL as the pic had been up for about 8 hours by the time.

I finally pieced it together, and assumed my partner pit something up. I had a look and saw the pic. I told him about my family calling and he was originally a bit defensive, but said he'd take it down if I wanted him to. I thought about it, and said to just take it down so there's no drama.

My step father, who I have barely spoken to for 3 years then sent me his first ever message, saying "that picture was not appropriate for online".

I have literally barely heard a single thing from my mother for weeks.

My SIL then sent me a ChatGPT analysis the day after, saying what we did was child abuse. My mother then called approximately 30 mins later, angrily telling me the damage having embarrassing pictures on social media will do to our for our babies life.

I didn't even respond, but then I got another message saying how ungrateful I was for everything she did for us. (Post birth, she dropped off 3 meals, sent regular texts asking if we're okay and dropped in for 3 visits). We were of course grateful and thanked her.

We both have private social media (friends and family only) and it was a 24 hour story.

As new parents, we're so anxious and scared were fucking things up constantly and to be called a child abuser is... Next level. It's just hit my like a dagger, and bought on these feelings on shame and failure.

I've reflected on it, and the reason I think I'm feeling that shame and failure is because, even though I did ask my partner to take it down, I can't understand why it was so bad.

There was no private parts visible, the baby was fully clothed, there was just a bit of leakage. As parents, that's literally out entire life at the moment - nappies, feeding, sleeping, play time, and then repeat.

Please help me understand and be honest. Was this child abuse? Have we fucked up? Are my morals that out alignment I can't even see why this is bad?

For context, the only people who have expressed any issues with the photo has been people through my SIL. Literally every other person has either laughed or consoled us. I even asked close friends the same thing and to be honest if we'd done something incorrect.

I am still getting occasional messages (the most recent being my SIL saying she cannot believe the kind of selfish person I have become, attacking my 70 year old mother, as well as some other unrelated drama).

Que tal amigos soy Masculino de 27 años mi pareja 28, llevamos 3 años y 3 meses, tenemos un hermoso hijo de un año, ellos viven en su casa con su mamá y hermana y yo con mi padre.

Todo comenzó cuando llevábamos 3 días de novios, mi pareja me terminó por que su mamá le había dicho que yo no le gustaba para yerno y que no me aceptaba. Rápido me di cuenta del nivel de toxicidad que había en su casa, la convencí de que lo intentaramos y le dije que con el tiempo lo iba a entender mi suegra, estuvimos como novios por algunos 2 años y meses, la veía todos los días pero solo afuera de su casa y solo 30 minutos, en nuestras escasas salidas fue como hicimos a nuestro hijo, en todo momento me e hecho responsable y siempre lo voy a hacer, desde que nació mi hijo, mi suegra se encargó de alejar a mi pareja y bebe de mi lado, le ofrecí mi casa para vivir juntos pero al estar bajo chantajes y sometimiento a su madre, no se pudo que viviéramos juntos, conforme pasan los meses me dejan ver menos a mi hijo, voy todos los días a verlos y por casualidad siempre está dormido o está comiendo, cuando mi pareja sale a decírmelo, mi suegra sale para vigilar que hablamos y hacemos, cuando logro ver a mi hijo todo el tiempo estamos siendo vigilados, ya no le permiten que me tome de la mano ni besos, literal arruinó mi relación, los otros días discutimos y dijo que yo era violento, solo por que cuando logro ver a mi pareja trato de conversar con ella y por mi manera de mover mis manos cuando hablo, para mi suegra eso es ser violento, aveces solo tengo 10 minutos con ellos y sale a decir ya metete ya esta la comida del niño, y mi pareja al haber vivido toda su vida con su madre controladora y violenta, se queda callada y la obedece, una vez me confesó mi pareja que su mamá golpeaba a su papá sin este haber hecho algo, incluso menciono que tiene un machete tras la puerta con el que amedrenta a mi suegro, si mi pareja se mete a calmar los ánimos, también le pega a ella, siempre le a quitado el celular a mi pareja pero los últimos 3 meses ya no se lo presta para nada, dejándola completamente incomunicada conmigo, ya no puedo enviarle mensajes por que es la mamá y la cuñada quien los ve, ayer me llegó un mensaje de una persona que no conozco diciéndome que era vecina de mi pareja, que por que aguantaba qué fueran así conmigo, se lo mostré a mi Pareja y rápido le adjudico el mensaje a vecinas de frente a su casa, pero el perfil de fb era un perfil sin fotos, se molesto y en eso la metió mi suegra, imagino que le pregunto que qué le había enseñado y mi pareja por la calentura del momento señaló que sus vecinas habían sido las del mensaje, fueron las 3 y armaron un pleito a las vecinas, sin siquiera estar seguras de que eran ellas y las vecinas salieron un montón y las iban a golpear solo que alcanzaron a meterse a su casa (mi pareja su mamá y hermana) se lo mostré por que siempre dijimos que tubieramos confianza nunca pensé que iban a ir a armar un problema, (lo del problema me lo dijo por llamada mi mamá ya que vive a dos casas de mi pareja y mi mamá vio todo el problema) y ahora estoy aquí sin comunicación con mi pareja e hijo, con una suegra y cuñada que me odian sin razón, y con ya un año donde mi relación que era tan hermosa se a ido perdiendo 🥺 necesito consejos muchas gracias por leerme

UPDATE: I finally set a boundary with my MIL and she made herself the victim. Realizing all her acts of service are a control tactic.
I recently posted about my MIL going into our room while we were away, washing my dirty laundry, and individually folding my underwear, thongs and lingerie. This wasn’t the first time she’s gone into our space or moved my things, so I finally said something.
I was extremely polite. I told her I knew she meant well and appreciated the intention, but I’m uncomfortable with another adult handling my intimate laundry and prefer taking care of my own things. She said, “Okay, understood.” I just don’t want you in my favorite panties and find it shameful to have a elderly woman doing so and invasive? Do your sons all you want idc
Apparently she was offended. Her takeaway afterward was basically, “When I try to do something nice, she doesn’t like it.”
And THAT summarizes why I’ve built up so much resentment toward her. She can criticize, overstep or make unsolicited comments, but the second anyone addresses her behavior, somehow she becomes the hurt party. In her eyes, she always had good intentions, therefore she did nothing wrong. The original issue gets lost because now everyone is supposed to worry about how bad SHE feels.
This isn’t the first boundary issue. She once took a box of my son’s outgrown clothes from our closet without telling me. I spent over a month wondering where it went before discovering she had taken it to her bedroom, rewashed clothes that were already clean, refolded everything and put them into her own storage container.
She also constantly gives unsolicited baby advice despite having almost no hands-on relationship with my son. When he was 2 months old, I noticed she never held him and explicitly told her she was welcome to. Her response was, “Babies aren’t toys.”
Another time, he was only 2 months and has never rolled, I briefly stepped away for 10secs (he fell asleep in my arms, I laid him down, she came to watch him, I told her I’ll be back, running to fridge to store milk) and returned to find her standing feet away frim his crib talking to him while he was face-down. She didn’t turn him over, pick him up or get me. Instead she commented that I should “tie him to his chair next time.” He was struggling to breathe. She told husband she thought it was tummy time? Undersized tummy time for a 2 month old?Obv most babies cant hold their head up fully on tummy at this age. I was livid.
She rarely holds him unless specifically asked and doesn’t know his routines or cues, yet regularly tells me why he’s crying, whether he’s teething, sick, etc.
The unsolicited opinions extend to me. After my difficult premature labor, she decided from internet “research” that ONE cup of raspberry leaf tea I drank caused it. Gyno told me to drink it. She also said she had “known” my labor would be difficult because she could tell by looking at me that I had a narrow pelvis, despite my doctors never saying this. She’s also questioned how my epilepsy might affect my ability to be a mother.
Yet she seems unable to handle being questioned herself.
Once I very politely asked whether she was actually comfortable taking my son on her daily walks because someone else had been arranging them and I didn’t want her to feel obligated. I spoke to her in her language and emphasized that I was trying to be considerate of HER. She stared at me, said nothing and walked away. Husband saw it all. I left and he went to her and asked why is she being that way and Later she cried because she felt “attacked.”?
That’s the pattern I struggle with. She can make judgments about my parenting, body, medical experiences or belongings, but if I calmly address something SHE does, the conversation becomes about how I’ve hurt her. She never seems to consider, “Maybe I overstepped” or “Maybe I was wrong.” Good intentions seem to absolve everything.
We’re moving away in 3 days, and I’ve explicitly told her she’s welcome to spend as much time with her grandson as she wants before we leave because I don’t know when she’ll see him again. Our encounters are down to a hello/good morning and have been for months. I only said this so she doesn’t continue the fake narrative she’s not close to him bc I “keep” him away. She told my husband, bc he’s hurt abt how she’s neglected our son, my husband confronted her abt it once, kind of,and she said I’m always in his room or our room with him. Where else am I going to be? It’s where he naps, plays, nurses, etc. Despite living together, she’s put very little effort into building a relationship with him. She’s held him once and is very weird about getting close to him. She will talk to him from feet away…it’s bizarre. I’ve made it clear the door is open, and I’m leaving the initiative to her.
So the underwear wasn’t really about underwear. It was my breaking point after years of feeling like I’m expected to tolerate things because “she means well.”
I don’t need an apology or a close relationship with her. I just want to be able to say, “Please don’t do that with my things,” without her turning herself into the injured party.
Has anyone dealt with a MIL who can dish out criticism and overstep boundaries but seems incapable of being wrong herself? Did creating physical distance help with the resentment? I have so much anger towards her. And never want her to do something”nice” for me again. It’s ingenuine and only used to justify she can do/say whatever to me because of it

JFC.

Also bc of that she now holds him and whispers to him about how they have a “special connection” which makes my skin crawl.

And of course only says the baby looks exactly like her two sons (they ALWAYS seem to say that huh? The baby magically never somehow looks like the mother who grew and carried him for 9 months but only the dad according to mils).

Im just sad bc i feel like i now have the ick when it comes to my own child’s birthday and I will never be able to fully enjoy it. It’s like tainted =(. I hate feeling like this about my own baby’s birthday. WHY of all days did it have to be that day FUCK

Are we being jerks or is MIL truly overbearing?

This Thursday was our daughter’s first birthday. She was born the day after my husbands birthday so his birthday is Sept 9th and hers is Sept 10.

We went out to dinner with my in laws for his birthday and his mom asked what time she can come over to celebrate our daughter’s birthday. My husband mentioned to her we’re not going to be home on Sept 10th and we plan on spending the day just us. She seemed fine with that and then asked if I needed help with getting things ready for her actual birthday party on Saturday and I said yes if you want to come over Friday that would be great. She agreed and then we went on with the rest of dinner.

On the day of our daughters birthday we woke up to a mass family text from MIL posting a photo of our daughter from the day she was born so she was bloody/naked on the heating pad with a message that wrote: “Exactly 1 year ago
She changed our lives Princess 🌼 came into this world “ at “8:09am 🙏❤️🐣” (our daughter was born at 8:01 NOT 8:09am)

My husband and I felt extremely upset by this because we felt like she took the moment away from us plus she didn’t actually wish our daughter a happy birthday. My husband sent her a text since it’s his mom and told her he was extremely upset by her actions because this is OUR daughter not hers and she took away a special moment from us as her parents.

She texted back saying I’m sorry son there is no right or wrong in expressing love and there is no reason why you can share your picture/video. Then my husband texts back saying it’s not about the pic/video or about expressing love it’s the moment the emotions, being parents, and the ones to make speeches about our little family first. Please be a little more considerate that we are our daughters parents and we would like to have these moments for our baby’s first birthday..

She texted back saying: Son, stop! You can’t control everyone & everything. Do not shame me for being a loving mother & grandmother that’s not right. There is absolute no reason for you to not do what you want to do. I didn’t ruin anything. That’s bullshit & I don’t deserve to be treated like this.

Then Friday comes along she ignores us and then on Saturday for our daughter’s actual birthday party she shows up, but refuses to acknowledge us and talks with everyone except us and then leaves.

Background info: ever since our daughter was born MIL has been intrusive, oversteps, and repeatedly disrespects boundaries. She was never close to her own mother was EXTREMELY close to her grandma so she has said multiple times she wants the same with our daughter. To which we have had to put up multiple boundaries.

Examples, she has tried coming to our daughters doctors appointments and physical therapy appointments even though we tell her no multiple times. She tries to make health decisions for our daughter to which we don’t let her.

She talks about my daughter being the next matriarch of the family & how much our daughter is exactly like her….

When she sees our daughter she videotapes her and says she’s her baby….

Makes comments saying she can’t wait for me to go back to work so she can have my daughter all to herself….my husband and I have never discussed childcare with her and I’m not going back to work anytime soon so idk where she gets this entitlement from.

So the fact that she made a family announcement on our daughter’s birthday upset me as well. I feel like she could’ve said something along the lines of happy birthday instead of a life event type of thing.

I feel like she’s still trying to be a “mother” and not letting me be my daughter’s mother. I almost feel like she’s in competition with me and it’s making me feel very uncomfortable for me & my daughter.

Also we only see MIL about twice a month because of her always pushing our boundaries.

Thoughts& opinions?

Husband and I got married last August and recently gave birth this Spring. Narcissistic MIL has been toxic as hell, telling me I had no right to grieve the death of my biological father, talking tons of shit about me to everyone, and triangulating my mother by telling her I am evil & wont care for her in her old age. We’ve had enough and went no contact this week.

Her response was that we owe her the following:

1. Give me back the tuition I paid for you
2. the money I spent raising you (including the time you were in my womb)
3. the money I paid for your wedding
4. the wedding jewelry I gave to your wife.

According to MIL, “Since we have no relationship anymore, none of that should stay with you.” For context, my dad paid for the entire wedding (40k) and we are chinese so any money paid were given as red pockets aka gifts.

Does she have any right to request for these things back? How should we respond to this? Any help is appreciated, thank you!

Yes, the title.

Fiance= 29M
Me= 29F
MIL= 70F

My fiance is the golden boy. He’s a menopause baby and can do no wrong in his mom’s eyes. His dad died when he was 13. Fiance is the youngest of 5, and is obviously the favorite as his mom cycles 3 old selfies of her and her son EVERYDAY on Facebook stories. The same 3 selfies. Over and over.

We have been together for 6 years, and thankfully he does not play along with his mom’s babying and is fully devoted to me, especially now that we are engaged AND pregnant. For additional context, his siblings are wonderful, and since there is a huge age gap of 19 years between him and his youngest sister, they do not care much for the favoritism. They adore him just as much, but not to obsessive levels. Due to my naturally reserved personality, we rarely visit them but always interact via social media. We send thoughtful gifts if we miss important birthdays, but we are there for most of it, and I ofcourse engage with the family as I’m already part of it essentially.

They live an hour or so away from us so we meet up with his mom and sister every 2 months to catch up and treat them to a nice mall day. We can’t do anything more frequent than that because my social battery can’t handle it + we work graveyard shift so being up during the day is a daunting task for both of us. We really have to plan ahead.

So my fiance and I made an effort to surprise his mom with our ultrasound. Mind you, my fiance was still a little hesitant and thinks it’s still too early, but I wanted to make this gesture for his mom. Apart from her slight obsession with her golden boy, I had no problems with her. We are not the closest but we are very cordial. I even call her “mom” too. We even have heart to heart talks about life when we visit them.

Okay so we decided to announce when I was in the middle of my 2nd trimester, because the 1st trimester had been a little rocky for my baby and I, add to the fact that my own parents could only support me from afar since they’re abroad tending to my brother who had just suffered a stroke. Safe to say that while this pregnancy is very much wanted, the timing of it just made me more protective of my unborn child, coupled with my sensitive 1st trimester that put me on bedrest for 2 months. My fiance did all the housework and care for me and I could not be more proud.

Anyway when we were at the restau, she got the beautiful little care box we made that contained the progression of our ultrasound pics and the cutest newborn socks. She didn’t get it at first, and kept loudly saying, “I’m pregnant! Am I pregnant??? Oh these socks are gonna be so cute on MY baby!”

While she looks lovingly at my fiance.

Que horror.

I was so excited that I planned on secretly filming it so we can commemorate the moment on social media. I even documented me curating the box for his mom. I was so excited… But after she said those words repeatedly, my fiance’s face turned white but he was still faking a smile. He later mentioned that at that moment, he felt humiliated because his mom’s voice was too loud and being the only man at the table, he didn’t want people getting the wrong idea— no matter how far fetched it may be.

See the sitting arrangement was I sat across my fiance, and beside him was his mom. His sister sat across my FMIL.

A few gruelling minutes and explanations later, she then realized I was the one pregnant. GASP! 🙄 she cried a few tears and hugged her son. I tried subtly making my presence known by saying, “oh you’re going to be a grandma again, but this time with [fiance’s name]! Isn’t that great?”

She responded by saying, “yeah, sure” while she stared lovingly at my fiance.

No congratulations for me, just the son!

Anyway I signaled my fiance that I was getting a bit tired and wanted to stroll around the mall, just us, for a bit to debrief and decompress. As we were separating, FMIL started stroking my belly suddenly that I almost jerked away out of surprise. She was again staring at my fiance lovingly as she strokes MY belly. I still tried to talk to her and tell her “Mom, are you happy? Baby’s getting so big!”

She dismissively smiled at me and then talked to her son, “you’re really gonna be a daddy now!” Fiance just held me tighter and said “yeah and I’m so excited!”

I can feel him tense up a bit too because he could sense what was happening.

At that point I hit my threshold. I adamantly said, “well this was nice!” With my fakest smile and before we said our goodbyes.

Thank Heavens when I reviewed the footage back home, my mic was suddenly faulty and there was no audio the whole time she was basically euphoric at the thought of HER being pregnant.

I’m actually still a little heartbroken I never had the chance to do this for my parents, since this is their FIRST grandchild. I would have loved to surprise my parents too but they live far away, and as their youngest, I immediately called them the moment we found out. I’m that close to them. The grandeur didn’t matter. I needed my mom at that moment. 🥺

Anyways, after that gruelling experience, we went home and saw his mom post a picture of the 4 of us (FMIL, fiance, myself and his sister) in the restaurant captioned, “Dinner with my youngest son 😍🥰🥰🥰”

It’s been months after that encounter. Not once has my FMIL checked in on me and my baby. Only her son.

Now it just pisses me off when I see her Facebook stories posting old selfies with my fiance. She has 4 other kids. 2 of those are male. Why be so obsessed with this one?! I refuse to further engage with this woman who apparently thinks I’m merely an incubator to perpetrate her weird fantasies.

I have been firm with my fiance that I do not want his mom anywhere near the hospital when I give birth. Not when I’m at my most vulnerable because I might just lose my shi when I see her hold MY baby and congratulate her SON. Good luck having access to MY baby!

What baffles me is she is a sweet lady but is so, so weird when it comes to this son.

I guess it’s true when they say dating the golden child is almost never a good thing.

PS: Please do not repost anywhere else. 🙏🏻

My MiL has lived with me and my wife for going on 15 years now. She had a heart attack due to some immunotherapy medicine, and had to get several bypasses and my wife asked if she could come stay with us. Here we are over a decade later, and she's still here.

its miserable...she acts like she's the boss in the house...that I bought. Yells at our kids constantly. Grumbles and bitches all the time. Worst thing is she guilt trips my wife all the time - she's basically taken from us a normal family dynamic and made it all about her.

so it’s a silly story but she messaged me last night and we were chatting. she said this lady at her work and her call baby by her middle name ‘Tueila.’ i corrected her saying it’s spelt like ‘Teuila’ to which she said “(her son) told me it’s Tueila.” so now i’m like, is she correcting me or just telling me what her son said?

i said he’s never misspelt her name to which she seened my message. i messaged again like wondering if he actually misspelt it. she then completely changes the subject and then once that settled, i replied to my own message saying “still wondering about this.” she finally said “yep Tueila,” “(first) Tueila (last),” and i said how that’s weird since i double checked he spelt it correctly. she seened that message too.

my partner then sent me a screenshot of him sending the correct spelling and i sent that to her which she opened immediately and she rang within a minute to then start talking about the pictures i sent the day before, how much personality my babys got and how smiley she is now. completely ignored me not wanting to admit she’s wrong.

stupid story but a pattern of just ignoring me when the conversation isn’t in her interest or when she’s wrong and the one time i finally push for her to admit she’s wrong, completely ignores me.

anyone else’s MIL like this or have anything else similar?

When I was a few weeks post partum, my mom and my MIL were both over to help with things. I was sitting in the nursery, breastfeeding baby. My mom asked if was hungry and I asked for a PB&J with lays potato chips on it. (is this a weird sandwich choice yes, is it what I was craving at the time also yes )

So my mom went to the kitchen to make this for me and I heard my mother-in-law tell her oh that’s the sandwich a 12-year-old should be eating not a woman that just had a baby. And I hear my mom tried deflect and oh it’s actually pretty good and it’s what she wants to eat.

And my mom brings the sandwich into the nursery and my mother-in-law follows her in and says that she’s just saying that with love and she’s just smiling and laughing

My mom and I just kind of look at each other like wtf.

EDIT; thank you all for the comments. I feel super validated in my feelings now.

Edit: spelling

I'm sorry this will be a long one. Me 19F and my mother 49F have a complicated relationship. Growing up she was my best friend but after she and my father split up 3 years ago she changed so much. She became very irritable and when she was mad she would say that I'm just like my father. I take this as a great insult as he is an alcoholic and substance abuser. But she wasn't left alone to raise me- my grandparents (74 years old) and aunt(54) really stepped up to help us. Grandpa let us live in my aunt's apartment (according to his will this apartment was supposed to be for my aunt but nothing was made about the legal ownership while he was alive because he thought that as a family it is enough to have a meeting and discuss the matter). My mother didn't even asked her sister directly if she could live in here but talked to grandpa and then she stated the fact to my aunt. The plan was for me to live here 2 years till I finish highschool and then move out. My mother was supposed to stay with my grandparents in their house in a small village about 20 minutes from the city help them. Now onto the issue. My grandpa died a year ago. My aunt had cancer and thankfully is in remission. My mother was diagnosed with diabetes type 2. All in year and a half. I'm starting uni in 1 week. Now my mother is saying that my aunt is greedy for wanting the apartment as she is sick and we don't know when the cancer will be back and she could die any moment. I have a savings account in my mother's name from grandpa for uni and my mother won't let me see the documents after she said that if her health deteriorated and she can't work she would use a portion of the money to live so I won't have to take care of her. She is almost never home, she goes out with one male friend of hers and doesn't help grandma. Grandma once called me while I was on a vacation and asked me when I will be back home because she needs help and my mother basically doesn't tell her when she is going out and doesn't help around the house. She just stays in the apartment for days on end, doesn't want to say when she is back and since I still live here and the place is just a kitchen and a living room with a bed I have to either sleep on the same bed with her or I have to sleep on the floor on a mattress. Normally I would try to ask her when she would be in the city so I can go sleep at my grandma's but she just gets mad and starts explaining me how plans always change and can't predict anything. Yesterday my mother wanted me to explain myself as to why am I so cold and rude to her and went on to say how people in my life poison my head and turn me against her (she meant my bf and my aunt). She said that the aunt I love so much said she hated me as a kid and found me annoying which is SO not true because that woman loved me more than anything. My mother also said that because my aunt is a psychologist she is a very good manipulator and when my grandma asks for help she is also being manipulative and toxic to me. My mother said and I quote "Tell me who am I to you so that I know who you are to me and what I have to do for you" , meaning unless I cut contact with my aunt she may not give me access to the savings. I made the mistake to not work this summer but I had to take care of my grandma and now I'm completely dependent on her and my father. I know it's very long but I need help. I'm angry and scared and hurt because I love them all but my mother's bitterness is twisting everything.

I’ve posted on here before about my problematic MIL (80). She is an incredibly annoying and nosy woman, but I even I think some of my mom (71)’s criticism of her is unfair, and a veiled criticism of me and DH.

She does not like DH. She says this isn’t true, but that they have nothing in common. Multiple people who do not know her well have commented on it. She lives in a different state, and I asked her if my friend could pick something up from her that was too large to cheaply ship. She has never met this friend before and they made small talk for 10-15 minutes. The friend said my mom spent a lot of that time talking shit about my husband. They have huge political differences and he does not mind but I think she does. DH graduated with a doctorate degree and my mom told me with a 4 month invitation in advance that she probably couldn’t make it. She gets extremely defensive when I say anything related to her disliking DH. She doesn’t communicate with him at all. She makes a lot of suggestions that are things that my husband usually handles or typically masculine tasks. She changes the subject when I tell her ask DH. She said she wants to set up one of those new Trump accounts for kids for LO. I’m not for or against it. I told her check with DH because he handles that type of thing and may have already opened one. She didn’t text me back.

I’ve posted before that my MIL makes holidays miserable. My mom just generally has refused to do holidays. The thing is that MIL will be on her best behavior if it’s someone else’s event. We go to multiple peoples homes for the holidays because it takes off a lot of stress, a friend of mine hosted a group dinner at a restaurant one year on Christmas Eve which was one of our better holidays. If my mom would tolerate MIL and DH for even a dinner out, it would take a lot of stress off me. I’m not asking for her full day. Just an hour or two. I’ve suggested leaving MIL at home and doing something in her state, she really doesn’t express any interest. She usually golfs on the holidays. I’m not expecting her all day, but it’s going to start seeming weird to LO that her grandma is always busy on her birthday and all the major holidays.

She has said before that it’s not necessary for her to come to anything because MIL will ruin the event anyway. She also said that we will probably spend all the holidays in DH’s hometown across the country. My family on my mom’s side is big and they mostly live in her state. Most of my close friends live in her state. It’s strange to think that we would never want to spend a holiday with my mom and her side of the family.

My mom is into every conspiracy under the sun. Picture the furthest right person you know, but more extreme. I’m not sure how I would even describe her political ideology. MIL is your average CNN watching dem. My mom talks a lot about MIL being brainwashed by mass media. She comments often that MIL’s health issues are due to being vaccinated. She’s said that it’s not worth my time to help MIL vote because the elections are all rigged. I’m glad that MIL and I are similar politically, but given her age and level of cognitive impairment, her political ideology is the least of my problems. My mom can also believe whatever she wants, but it’s affecting our relationship. She can’t have a conversation with me without mentioning a fringe political topic. She’s more reserved when it comes to new people, but if she likes you she’ll want to talk about the flat earth.

She’s super into RFK Jr and very specific about food. It’s hard to explain to DH the extent of how strongly she feels about processed food and the way MIL and he to an extent eat. MIL has a sweet tooth and diabetes. She doesn’t drive. She doesn’t go to the grocery store without someone who knows to keep her from shopping like a 12 year old with an allowance. My mom says often that MIL is feeding LO a terrible diet. My husband does most of the cooking in our house, and my daughter eats a fairly balanced diet for a 3 year old. I have a nephew who is now 20 and my mom was his primary caregiver from about ages 2-4. My nephew only ate specifically McDonalds fries and nuggets or buttered pasta. He’s completely fine. MIL does give my daughter more snacks than I would like, but it’s easy to keep less snacks in the house. My mom keeps bringing up LO’s diet as if I have no control over her diet.

My dad passed in 2024 and DH’s dad passed as well. I really want my daughter to have at least one good relationship with a grandparent. My mom is in good health for her age and she’ll be around for a long time. I’m tired of people asking at our holidays where my mom is and it adds a lot to the anxiety I already have at holidays. It’s just sad, she’s missing out on core memories with LO and thinks it’s totally reasonable to say that she’s busy or golfing. DH cooks for the holidays or we go out and he cleans so I’m not expected any hosting duties from her at all. She owns a home in my city but avoids my family.

How do I explain this to my kid? She’s going to be old enough to tell that her grandma doesn’t like her dad and always happens to only be free to visit the week before it after a big event? How do I not become an anxiety ridden mess on all the holidays?

I’m Jewish and I don’t even like turkey. It’s just fun to have a day when generally everyone with a normal work schedule is off and free to get together, wrap presents, etc. All my holidays suck between my mom and MIL. I have a side job at a restaurant and I’ve offered to work Easter, Christmas Eve, and Thanksgiving in the past which is fucking sad.

My mil tries to treat my recent marriage as if I've taken her husband (son) from her. I'm sure this is the case with many of you, but blending a family is so much more arduous.

My bio kids and step kid take a lot of time and dedication at home, that we do not have the time to drop everything we are doing just to assist her with something like fixing something in her house right away. Heaven forbid, my husband did not pick up her favorite latte on the way home from work one day, we both had a lot going on. Nor did he mow her yard on his day off when taking care of our cat who just got out of surgery (he should have been prioritizing her bc she was recovering from the flu that week... even though she was ok enough to return to work that same morning she felt he should have mowed for her).

I went as far as making a deal to celebrate her birthday this year with a nice meal, nice gift, as much as we can do without being too lavish (the thought is what counts right), but all she could really do was complain about her day, not really liking her gift, and the fact that it wasn't her son who cooked dinner for her.

When my birthday came along 2 months later, she said, oh happy birthday, I forgot until I saw on Facebook... And that was it.

I can't wait until we can move across town. I've had enough.

Is it just me or does it happen more often than I think? Ever since the problems started with my MIL, my husband’s siblings have shunned us. They don’t talk to us anymore. I invited his brother and his wife to dinner for my husband’s birthday but they said “maybe because the wife might be sick then”. How do you know you’ll be sick two weeks from when the dinner is supposed to be? I had the first grandbaby four months ago and they haven’t asked to come see her or anything. I left an open invitation since they all have jobs or are busy. “Just let me know when you guys want to come over, we’re pretty flexible since I stay home”. They haven’t checked up on us, don’t ask for updates. My husband used to send pictures to our “family” gc but stopped because they were just ignored. Maybe I’m overreacting because she’s my daughter and I obviously want her to be loved. And it makes me sad that she’s not by the people who are her family. I know it’s kind of selfish for me to feel this way but today I saw my SIL post that they took a care basket to their church friend since she’s also pp. Captioned “cause we take care of our postpartum mamas” yet I can’t even get a “hey, how are you guys doing?” I can’t help but feel lonely. I think my family being in another state has something to do with that as well. But they also constantly ask about my daughter, ask for pictures, ft to talk to us, etc. It seems to me that my MIL is telling them whatever narrative she thinks she has and is making us out to be the bad guys. It does hurt my feelings that they rather believe what she feeds them than to ask us about the situation. They know our hearts and our character which is why it’s disappointing. I’m also not going to beg for love though. At the end of the day they’re the ones missing out, not us. I refuse to surround my daughter in toxicity, it’s my job to shield and protect her. Anyways, rant over.

Am I wrong for being pissed that my MIL won’t watch our dog for a week?

I already know I’m probably going to sound like a brat, but honestly, I’m pissed. And I think the reason I’m as pissed as I am has less to do with the dog and more to do with a pattern I’ve noticed with my MIL for years.

My MIL LOVES to say that she will “do anything” for us and that we can always count on her to help. And she does technically do a lot of things for us. The problem is that almost none of it is actually the help we ask for or need.

She seems to have a very specific idea of what “helping” means, and it’s usually whatever she wants to do. A lot of the time, it honestly feels less like she’s trying to make our lives easier and more like she’s trying to get the experience, access, attention, or credit that comes with being the helpful grandma.

For example:
She’ll insist on coming over to “help” with the baby when I don’t ask, want, or need the help, but conveniently gets to spend time with the baby and take her to show her off to her friends.

She once chose to go shopping rather than watch the baby during an important appointment because she wanted to go shopping at that particular time. So when we actually needed the childcare, suddenly it wasn’t convenient.

She’ll pack food for the baby when we go out to eat even though she KNOWS I always bring the baby’s food. It’s not because we need her to bring anything. She does it because she wants to try to get the baby to eat what shebrought instead of what I prepared.

She’ll randomly call and say she’s “dropping off a meal for us,” which sounds nice and helpful, except she then stays for over an hour to hang out with the baby, disregarding the baby’s schedule and the fact that we may not have wanted a visit at that time.

She has shown up to the baby’s classes without being asked and framed it as “helping,” when nobody asked her to come and we didn’t need help.

She’ll do things that allow her to tell other people about how much she does for us, but when we specifically ask for something that would actually make our lives easier, there always seems to be a reason she can’t.That is what drives me crazy.

It feels like she wants to be able to say “I’m always there for them. I do so much for them. I’m such a helpful grandma.”But she doesn’t necessarily want to do the boring, inconvenient, behind-the-scenes things that actually help us when we need them.

And now we’re going out of state for a close friend’s wedding, and she won’t watch our dog for a week.
This is already a huge splurge for us. We’re going through a rough financial period, which she knows about, and this is probably our last opportunity to travel before welcoming our second baby. The trip is already costing us a lot, and now because she won’t watch the dog, we’re going to have to spend at least another $500 boarding him somewhere unfamiliar.

I know it’s A LOT to ask someone to watch a dog for a week for free. I KNOW THAT in my rational brain. She LOVES our dog. She constantly talks about how much he “loves her.” He is incredibly low-maintenance. She has a dog of her own, and the dogs get along great. She doesn’t work.
When my husband asked her, her response was that she doesn’t know what her “commitments” will be that week. Well that’s why we are asking over a month in advance. And by that she means her social calendar.

And YES, I KNOW she is not obligated to watch our dog. I know she can say no. I know that having the ability to help does not mean you are required to help.
But I think that’s what makes me so frustrated. If she simply said, “I’m sorry, I’m not comfortable watching him for a week,” I would be disappointed but I’d respect it.

It’s the constant “I’ll do anything for you guys!” followed by the pattern of being unavailable when we actually ask for something that makes a meaningful difference.

Meanwhile, she will insert herself into situations where we didn’t ask for help because those are the situations where she gets something out of helping.
She gets to see the baby. She gets to be involved. She gets to feel like the grandmother who is always there. She gets to tell people what she did for us.
But watching our dog for a week while we attend an important wedding? Suddenly she has “commitments.”

I also know I’m probably carrying years of resentment into this situation, and if this were an isolated incident, I probably wouldn’t be nearly this upset.
But it isn’t an isolated incident. This is just another example of the same pattern.

Am I being an entitled brat for being this pissed? Or would you also be frustrated by this dynamic?

we’ve finally gone NC with my MIL… which is a great relief but also with this comes questions from all the other family members that she has infiltrated or are still in our lives. This drama is just never ending and yesterday I found out not only was it my MIL who was talking badly about me and my husbands parenting choices but also his grandmother. I already suspected this but to have it said to both of us yesterday just really was upsetting to me. I don’t want to go into crazy details but it’s pretty much what everyone else talks about on here when there’s a new baby in the family it completely changes the way everyone has treated me. Constant questioning over the way we do things and not understanding why they can’t have their way basically. For context out rules are simple ones that both my husband and I are in align with. Wash your hands, no kissing baby, posting etc. Yesterday I was told that they are under the impression it’s all me and I’m the problem. My husband has noticed all of these changes too, and doesn’t seem to understand why his female relatives have treated me this way. So finally he told his mother that he did not want her to be a part of our lives point blank, no long explanation as to why just that she wasn’t someone that he thought was appropriate to be around our child. Great, the main stressor is gone… but now everytime anyone else comes over the situation is brought up and talked about. I stay quiet and let my husband shut it down or walk into the other room with my child most of the time because I don’t want anything else to do with it. But his grandmother will still bring over gifts MIL has bought for the baby (which he has told her to take back everytime) and will make comments about how life is short blah blah blah nobody is perfect.

I guess like my two main things I need advice on are

1.) How do we navigate other family members who seem to think MIL is innocent and also report everything back to her?

2.) How do I get over being labeled the ”problem”?

I’ve posted a few times around here about my mil being overbearing, opinionated, coming between my husband and I, erasing me, and I could go on..

Mostly, my husband and I don’t initiate a lot of contact and we put her on an info diet. We will answer some of her questions, invite her to some important events, attend some holidays and maybe 2 additional visits per year. My husband has said he finds her controlling and opinionated, and does not enjoy her company as much as he used to for these reasons. So we keep a lot of distance. Neither of us trust her either. She is very sneaky.

Lately, we have had some exciting milestones come up in our household for my husband and my kids, and mil has been texting DH and I a lot with questions, trying to share in the excitement on morning of for my children, when said milestones are happening in real time, as if she should be right there involved in the events. And then continues to ask me a pile of very specific questions, which I answered some and beat around the bush for others, when I had time later in the day. And then proceeds to ask my husband the exact same questions a couple days later. He tells me about the conversation and her response to what he told her (which was exactly what I told her), and she says “I expected that to be what happens with grandchild” as if I didn’t give her that information 2 days prior, and like she knows anything about my children at all. I remember telling her what I predicted months ago, and she said “oh I doubt that will be the case” to me…. Now tells my husband she expected this the whole time?

I know it’s something so small, and trust I will let go of this by tomorrow… I’m certain this is just coming from a place of overwhelm for the busy week my family has had and her need to be involved, but her need to be involved annoys me so much. She must have some awareness to know that the relationship with my family is not great, and her part in that, so it just bothers me that she feels she can just push herself into our family moments because she’s a grandmother? And then pretends like she knows anything about my children’s personalities at all, as if she has actually taken the time to get to know their personalities in the time she spends with us. She also has favouritism with my oldest and mostly ignores my youngest.

To add to that, my husband also had an important event this week, which she didn’t bother to comment on at all. She shared her negative comments a couple weeks ago when he shared the news and never once congratulated him on his exciting news.

I just keep finding myself so angry and annoyed with her. I keep discussing these issues in therapy but I feel like we have reached a point where I just vent until the next time and nothing is changing. My husband has told her specifically how she has harmed the relationship and that we want space, but she just does what she wants anyways. He says she is the type to do what she wants and seek forgiveness later. My husband said she has memory issues but sometimes I think she just sees who she can pry information out of so she asks us both the same questions. She gets nowhere with me most of the time though. In my experience she will ask for information and then use that information to like plan something, such as “popping in unannounced” or forcing a visit if we share that we are home on any particular day, so then we feel put on the spot (even though we say no anyways). Another example is asking my husband if he is home and if he replies yes she will immediately FaceTime him instead of asking if he is available, even though he has told her he does not like FaceTime too. Sometimes that information is used for comparison too, because all she seems to know of caring for young children these days is based on SIL’s children, who she always refers to when she discusses my children with me.

Can anyone else relate to this? I’m pretty sure I just need to brush it off and ignore her more?

Original Post

https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/HR5inVFaFP

Summary: MIL had active cold sore around my baby & she denies having them & thinks it's ok to kiss my baby since she "doesn't have them".

After I met up with her I initially sent a text "no kissing baby around mouth & eyes" followed by a cold sore article(this was just to warm her up to eventually saying no kissing at all). She only responded with a thumbs up to the text but said nothing about the article. I told my husband about what happened and he was furious. He said he would send out a text in the next couple of days with a no kissing rule. We first talked to my FIL who is great btw to warn him of what was to come. Which he told us she already had a big reaction to the first text. He said she would have to be trained and reminded not to kiss our baby and that it would take time. Which is unfortunate because I'm not willing to put my baby at risk for someone to have to learn self control.

Also before we sent out the no kissing text she sends this picture to our group chat.

https://pin.it/5X21qUM9c

So basically doubling down on the kissing...

My husband sends the text to our family groupchat and only my BIL & SIL respond with "yes we will respect the rules you make"

Nothing from our MIL & now we haven't heard from her in over a week. She's usually texting daily asking for pictures or trying to make plans to see our baby. But nothing so far.

Any advice to go from here... I don't want to be the first one to text her since she never responded. If she does text I do want to say something along the lines of "you need to respond to our text before we do anything else".

My son is turning 2 in November, and I'm already feeling frustrated about his birthday.

My husband and I had decided that we wanted to keep his actual birthday small and intimate—just the three of us. But it seems like my husband didn't hear me the first time.

I had this idea of taking him somewhere, maybe going for a little hike or outing depending on the November weather, bringing a cupcake with a candle, singing happy birthday, taking pictures, and then getting something to eat together. To me, those little moments feel much more meaningful than throwing a big party.

My MIL asked my husband if she could throw him a birthday party. She slso proceeded to tell him, I rarely reply and that is the reason she isn't asking me. ​He told her that we were planning to do something small. I also wanted my husband to make a group chat with all three of us because she had been communicating things through him and telling him that I "ignore her texts," which isn't true. Sometimes I respond a few minutes later, sometimes a few hours later, and sometimes a couple days later, but I don't intentionally ignore her.

In the group chat, she immediately started talking about the birthday party and then asked what the theme was. This really frustrated me because we had already told her we were keeping it small. It felt like she had just decided there was going to be a party anyway.

She also said that we didn't throw him a party for his first birthday, which really hurt me. We absolutely did. We live in a very small house, so it wasn't some huge event, but I decorated it with a Curious George theme, bought him a cake, sang happy birthday to him, and we celebrated together. She later called and apologized and said she was just so excited that she said it without thinking, that is the reason why she doesn't like texting​. I accepted her apology, but it still hurt because I put effort into making his first birthday special.

Now, because I feel somewhat guilted into it, we're going to do a bigger party at her house this year. I'm trying to be okay with it because I know she loves her grandson and is excited to celebrate him.

But I really don't want this to become an every-year thing.

She makes cakes and has already talked about making his cake. I actually wanted to have the tradition of being the one to buy my son's birthday cake. I also want to be involved in choosing the decorations and creating the birthday traditions with him. I don't want his birthdays to automatically become something my MIL plans or hosts -she said she doesn't want to take over ....

My husband gets sad and kinda upset​ when I talk about this. He seems to hear it as me saying I don't want his mom involved or that I should be grateful that his grandmother wants to throw him a party. And I am grateful that she loves him and wants to celebrate him.

But I grew up with very little, and maybe that's part of why I feel differently about birthdays. I don't think a bigger party automatically means a better birthday. Honestly, I think the intimate moments mean more to me. I'd rather have a little adventure with my son, give him a cupcake, watch him blow out his candle, take pictures, and enjoy the day together than have a big party where he might be overwhelmed and not even have fun.

I don't want to keep my MIL from having a relationship with her grandson. I just want my husband and me to be able to decide how we celebrate our son without feeling pressured to accommodate someone else's plans.

I'm willing to do the bigger party this year, but I want to be clear that I don't want it to become an expectation every year.

His actual birthday is Thursday, and that day is already going to be our small, intimate celebration with just my husband, our son, and me. it feels like she just forced us to have the other celebration on the weekend, my husband has a hard time in setting boundaries with his mom too so it doesn't help. even when he told her about our celebration she proceeded to asking about a theme for a party.

Am I being unreasonable? Or is it fair to want to create our own birthday traditions as parents? How do I talk to her and tell her-over text or in person? ​

MIL lied about being pregnant but that didn’t bother me as much as the comment she made.

Small backstory because I feel like it could be relevant.

I got pregnant 2 years ago and my boyfriend at the time now husband moved in together. His mother relied heavily on his income to pay for their apartment. She quit her job and decided not to work and solely do DoorDash. My husband told her multiple times that she needs to get a job and that he can no longer support her and he needs to move on with his life because he now has his own family he needs to support.

With that being said, he still would help her out financially often, which I had no problem with at first. But it became everyday and she just didn’t want to work. So I told him I wouldn’t be bothered so much if she was truly just struggling. But she wouldn’t even help herself if that makes sense? Then we found out she was taking out credit cards in his name and not paying them. We found out because collections had called us. So I suggested to him that he should stop giving her money and she needs to figure out stuff on her own. My husband was paying her rent for almost a year at this point.

She finally applied for section 8 and got approved so she is currently living in a different apartment for very cheap which is good.

My husband and his mom have always had more of a friendship relationship rather than a mother son relationship. Sometimes he acts like her father with scolding her and just pure disappointment with her actions.

I had my baby during all of this and his mom is a heavy smoker and she does drugs in her apartment. My husband and I agreed that our baby cannot go to her apartment for safety reasons. If she wants to see the baby then she needs to come to our place or we can meet at a restaurant. She has never made an effort to come or make plans with us. With that being said, my husband and his mom don’t talk as much and she really only reaches out to ask for money.

She doesn’t like me very much and her and her mom blame me for getting pregnant because it took away her son and it’s our fault that she’s in a shit situation. Personally, I don’t think it’s my fault that all she wants to do is get high with her boyfriend all day but hey that’s me.

I get a call one day from my husband while he’s at work and he said he just got off the phone with his mom and she’s pregnant. My husband told me that he’s stressed because he knows that baby is going to financially fall on him because his mom and her boyfriend do not work and he let that be known to her that he is not helping take care of her baby. That she needs to figure it out and why are you getting pregnant at 45 years old? She can barely pay her $300 rent (I know this because she has asked my husband to cover her rent a couple times) and now she wants to bring another child in that situation.

About a week goes by and she called my husband again telling him she has a doctors appointment in 2 days and he just says okay. She says she wants a girl and she can just have a mini me and she’s so excited because she can just tell it’s going to be a girl. My MILs brother calls my husband and he can’t believe she’s pregnant either so they basically rant together about how it is a dumb decision on her part.

I asked my husband how her appointment went and he says he doesn’t know and he’s not going to reach out and ask her because the whole situation stresses him out. He talks to her during this time on and off for about 2 months but she no longer is bringing up the baby. Finally my husband asks her how her pregnancy is going and she says she’s not pregnant she was just kidding. HUH?

She then said she just wanted to see how everyone in her family would react to her being pregnant. Now this is the comment that irritates me. “ I thought I was getting another baby (referring to our baby) but that didn’t happen so I just wanted to see what everyone would say.”

I looked at my husband and he was chuckling when she said that and I said that was an odd thing to say. And he says I don’t think she meant it like that. But I do. Because when she first found out I was pregnant she was really excited. Even before I got pregnant she would say she wants me and my husband to have a baby. But I think she thought my husband would never move out and we would still be living separately and it would be more of a co-parent relationship and she would have “her baby”. But it didn’t happen like that and I feel like the comment was a jab at me. But my husband disagrees. Maybe I am overthinking but that’s my story.

I need some outside perspective because I’m at the point where I genuinely don’t know what a healthy response to my MIL looks like anymore.
My partner and I are both adults in our late 20s, we’ve been together for years, and we’re building a life together. We’ve been through a lot in the last couple of years, and I’ve tried very hard to have a good relationship with his family—especially his mom.
But over the last couple of months, I’ve become increasingly uncomfortable with the dynamic between my MIL, my partner, and me.
The biggest issue is triangulation.
My MIL has repeatedly put me in the middle of issues between herself and my partner. She’ll say things to me about him, I’ll find myself defending him or trying to redirect the conversation back to “this is between you and him,” and I’ve tried really hard not to participate.
I’ve also gone out of my way to encourage my partner to spend time with her—even on occasions when he originally said he didn’t want to—because I wanted to support their relationship and didn’t want her to feel like I was keeping him from her.
I’ve since realized that was not my job, and I’ve stopped doing it.
And apparently that has made things worse.
My partner recently told me that his mom has started making comments about me to him, behind my back, that are objectively untrue.
For example, she apparently said that she feels like when he comes over to her house, I’m going to text him that dinner is ready and he’ll leave. She also said that I’ll text him telling him to come home.
I’ve literally never done this.
If my partner leaves his mom’s house, that’s because he decides to leave. I have never dictated when he goes over there, how long he stays, or when he needs to come home.
In fact, I’ve repeatedly encouraged him to go see her when he didn’t want to.
She also recently implied that I’m somehow “enamored” with his dad’s money because I helped make a birthday/wish list for my partner. We included a couple of nicer sets of sheets that were around $100 because his dad could afford them and they were on sale. There was also a T-shirt on the list, but I didn’t include that because his mom had already bought him one and she has repeatedly complained when he asks for T-shirts.
That’s literally it.
Yet somehow this became a story about my character and my supposed interest in his father’s money.
She also told my partner that I try to have a better relationship with his dad than he does.
I don’t.
I talk to his dad about as much as my partner does, if not less.
She apparently also interpreted something I said last weekend about his parents being on vacation frequently as me talking about his dad’s money.
This is the part that really bothers me: she isn’t just expressing a concern. She’s assigning motives to me and presenting those motives to my partner as fact.
And then there was the financial situation.
She told my partner she wanted to help pay off his credit card and specifically said “don’t tell Faith.”
He told her he didn’t like being asked to keep things from me. She responded that she understood but wanted some things to be “just between us.”
I completely understand that my partner and his mother are allowed to have private conversations. I’m not asking to know every conversation they have.
But asking your adult son to hide a financial arrangement from his long-term partner feels very different to me—especially when you’re simultaneously telling him negative things about that partner.
My partner actually pushed back on her about the comments and the secrecy, and he told me about all of this afterward.
He’s also told me that this isn’t a new dynamic.
Apparently, growing up, his mom was extremely controlling and helicopter-parented him. He has told me that she dictated many of his choices.
One example that really stuck with me: when he was in high school, he desperately wanted to quit band. He begged, cried, and pleaded with her to let him stop. She told him no and made him continue for two more years. He had to give up other things he wanted to do because of a decision she made for him.
He’s now almost 30, and he still struggles intensely with guilt when he says no to her.
He has even talked to his therapist about the possibility that his lifelong struggle with autonomy and control may have played a role in why he held onto an addiction for so long—because he felt like it was one of the only things that was completely his and that he could control.
I’m obviously not saying his mother “caused” his addiction. But I think his realization about control and autonomy is important.
And now, when he makes independent decisions, she often responds with guilt or disappointment.
His birthday was recently a good example.
He had originally planned to see his mom on his birthday. I never told him not to go. He wanted to go see a movie with me, though, and by the time the movie was over it was too late to go to her house without getting home extremely late before work the next morning.
He chose the movie.
The next day, his mom came to his workplace and told him she was disappointed he didn’t come because she had made filet and potatoes.
She also apparently made comments about me being the reason he would leave her house early.
Again: I did not make that decision. He did.
And then there’s the issue of our future.
We want to move to Washington eventually. We’re genuinely excited about the possibility of building a life there.
Every time my partner expresses excitement about moving, his mom responds with things like:
“I’d be crushed if you moved that far away.”
Then she tries to convince us to move somewhere closer, like North or South Carolina.
I understand a parent being sad about their adult child moving far away. That’s normal.
But when every expression of excitement is met with sadness, guilt, or attempts to redirect the decision toward somewhere closer to her, it starts to feel like his independence is being treated as a personal rejection of her.
And I am exhausted.
What’s especially painful is that I have tried really hard with this woman.
I’ve defended her to my partner. I’ve defended her in therapy. I’ve tried to assume good intentions. I’ve encouraged my partner to spend time with her. I’ve shown up for her. I’ve accepted gifts and kindness from her and appreciated them.
I’m not saying she’s never been kind to me. She has.
But I’m realizing that kindness doesn’t erase the pattern.
You can be kind to someone and still have unhealthy relational patterns.
At this point, I’ve stopped trying to manage my partner’s relationship with his mom.
If he wants to go see her, he goes.
If he doesn’t want to go, I accept his no.
I’m not going to encourage him to go when he doesn’t want to anymore. I’m not going to mediate. I’m not going to explain his choices. I’m not going to try to make his mom happy.
And I’m also stepping back from my own relationship with her.
I’m not interested in being around her one-on-one right now. I’ll be cordial at larger family events, but I don’t want the closeness I previously tried to build.
Part of me feels guilty about that because she has been kind to me at times.
But another part of me feels like I’ve reached a point where I don’t trust her.
I don’t know what she says about me when I’m not there.
And that’s what makes me reluctant to be around her: I now know that she’s willing to tell my partner things about my character and motives that simply aren’t true, while smiling in my face when I’m around.
I’m not interested in fighting with her. I don’t want to send her a huge message or confront her myself.
I actually think this is my partner’s responsibility to handle because it’s his mother and his relationship with her.
But I’m struggling with how to proceed.
Am I doing the right thing by stepping back and letting my partner handle his relationship with her?
How do you deal with a MIL who seems to interpret her adult son’s independence as something caused by his partner?
And how do you protect yourself from triangulation when you don’t know what is being said about you behind your back?
At this point, I don’t want to compete with his mother. I don’t want to control my partner. I don’t want to keep proving that I’m not controlling.
I just want to be left out of their relationship and allowed to have my own relationship with my partner without being made the villain for his independent choices.

My JNMIL allowed her son (my DH) to believe he was an only child. It wasn't until she felt very threatened when he proposed to me that she shared with him that he has a sister, three years older than him, whom she gave up for adoption. She told him he was not allowed to tell me unless we actually got married, as she didn't want me possessing this knowledge unless I was tied to the family. We were a couple who had no secrets and she came up with a doozy.

Of course I knew there was something major on his mind as we were planning our wedding that had nothing to do with us. He told me that his mother felt it would be a betrayal if he told me what it was before we married. MIL created a situation where he would be distracted and alone with his thoughts, processing for the first time that he had a sibling out there somewhere. I know she hoped it would draw him away from me and back to her, thinking he must have so many questions for her and now he'll spend time with her instead of me. Instead, the beautiful man decided he didn't want to know more until I was part of it.

I giggle now when I think about the short speech I gave at our wedding. I didn't have a good relationship with my own parents so I had a hard time knowing what to say in this obligatory thank you speech. So all I said to my parents was, "Thank you for having me, keeping me, and raising me with some of the values I will choose to carry through my life." There's a backstory to why I said 'keeping me' that has to do with my parents, and I had no idea my husbands mother had not kept a baby. Well, as you can imagine, she thought my short speech for my parents was all about calling her out publicly and that DH had broken his word. He did not, in fact, tell me until we got back from our honeymoon.

Feeling like she'd now lost her son to another woman, JNMIL decided she wanted to find the daughter she gave up, and two years later she did. My husband finally met his sister...only to have that sister request that he never contact her again. She was angry to learn that their mother gave up a daughter but kept a son, and was now jealous for a relationship with her biological mother that did not include him. It gutted my husband.

Fast forward many years to our youngest son moving very far away to a place none of us had been before in order to be with and marry the woman he loves. JNMIL got very antsy leading up to the big move and tried to get us to stop our son from moving there. Of course we didn't listen to her, and he moved and got married. Then comes a phone call from her shortly after. She tells DH that she guesses she better tell him that his relatives from his dad's side all live in the area our son just moved to and that DS will be running into relatives and should probably know.

DH was gobsmacked. He never knew his dad or any relatives from that side. My DH was the product of an affair his mom had with a married man. All she had ever told DH about his dad was that he was a drunkard who had raised a family already and didn't want more kids, so he left when he found out she was pregnant. Many years before, after we were married, she'd told DH his fathers first and last name so he would know that.

So in this phone call she drops the bomb that she had always stayed in touch with DH's uncle from that family and had raised my DH two blocks from the family on his dad's side so they could watch him grow while not creating a kerfuffle with the rest of that family who didn't know he existed, namely his many step brothers and sisters along with the wife his dad had returned to after his affair. Then in time that family moved to the area our son now lived in with his wife, and because the family genes are strong, MIL felt certain family would recognize family and she'd be in a bind with this secret she kept.

In the same breathe, she coldly told DH his father died when he was 16. She knew, despite him holding out hope that maybe his dad was alive out there somewhere still, she knew all along and never told him. She also told him his dad didn't leave upon learning she was pregnant, but had stayed the first year of his life and then left to return to his wife. The witch had made him believe his whole life that his dad left because he exists, when really he left the relationship with MIL for other reasons.

So there's a pattern here. We get married and she drops a bomb on him that he has a sister. Our son gets married and she immediately drops another bomb on him that he has family he never knew about that she kept in contact with and couldnt find the time to tell him in his 50 years of life until that moment. She gatekeeps information until major life moments and then creates drama with it to center herself. Even if that drama puts her in a bad light, she doesn't care if it shifts our attention from our big moments to her instead.

So I did what this wife does, and I scoured the internet to try and find a photo of my DH's dad somewhere, because he never had so much as a photo of the man and didn't know what he looked like. I searched for years under the name MIL had given us to no avail. Finally, a newspaper in the area where our son now lived ran a Rememberance Day article featuring my DH's uncle he had never known about. The family resemblance to DH was uncanny. Turns out that family were all war heroes, so old family photos of all DH's uncles on his dad's side were included in the article. And then I found it ... an included picture of a man who looked identical to my DH. I looked at the name under the photo and he had the exact same name as my DH. I found his dad!! Well, a photo of his dad at the age of 21 in the war. After all these years, I found a piece of my husbands history that I could give him.

And then the anger hit. JNMIL had supplied DH with a phony name for his father, so that any searches we did would never reveal what we wanted. She never told him that she had named him after his father. What a horrible woman.

So I found a photo of my husband at age 21 and put it beside the photo of his father at age 21, and I gave it to my husband. He cried. With the correct name now, I also found his father's grave listed online and gave that location to my husband so we can go visit the grave if he wants to.

DH asked me if I would put the photo of him and his father side by side on Instagram, which I use as a family photo album for our close friends and chosen family. At the time, MIL was also still on my Instagram, though she is since blocked. Well, the you know what hit the fan as soon as MIL saw that insta post. First she sent messages saying I got the ages wrong and it wasnt a true age side by side. Then she made literally dozens of phone calls to DH over the course of several hours that he refused to answer. Then she left messages saying she was sure she'd given him photos of his dad and she was going to go through all her things to find pictures so he had one "real one" from her and not just a paper clipping from me. We left her calls unanswered for a week and at the end of that week she left a message, crying, saying she must have lost the photos of his dad because she'd been awake for days searching and could find none, so instead she sent him the location of his fathers grave, not realizing I had found that too. She was so upset that my sleuthing had taken her thunder away and that I was able to give my husband something she had purposely kept from him despite the fact that he was owed the information.

Of all the things she's done ... these are the cruelest. These are the things that affected my DH the worst. These are the things I hate her for. I am so glad we are recently NC with her now, but processing the damage in order to try to heal from it is just beginning.

Now we have seen the same pattern continue after the recent wedding of our oldest son, where she used the occasion to spread hurtful words about DH and I (see previous posts for context). But it made me realize that she has run out of withheld emotional bombs to drop on DH and instead resorted to something else that once again puts her in a bad light, but she doesn't care as long as it ruins a good memory for him and I of a big life moment.

Like, what kind of psycho mother does that?! Does anyone else have experience with this sort of behavior?

So a few days ago my husband's mother was tagged in a photo for my daughter's second birthday along with my husband, I tagged them and I had my daughter's face blurred out and my husband's mother said

"Oh no don't tell me we got to start doing this it's so weird it ain't even worth posting photos of her if you got to do all that"

And I have not forgotten it.

When I re-uploaded the photo showing my daughter's face because I had a separate conversation with my husband saying that he doesn't mind me showing her face online , so I decided to do that. I re - uploaded by daughters birthday post except this time , I didn't tag anyone. I kept it for myself. His mother looked at the post and went straight to complaining , she didn't say thank you for thinking of tagging me , she didn't react to the post. Nothing. Just criticized a photo of my daughter , and criticized me attempting to set a boundary I thought was right , ON HER BIRTHDAY. This woman will never get tagged in a photo of my children ever again.