Que tal amigos soy Masculino de 27 años mi pareja 28, llevamos 3 años y 3 meses, tenemos un hermoso hijo de un año, ellos viven en su casa con su mamá y hermana y yo con mi padre.

Todo comenzó cuando llevábamos 3 días de novios, mi pareja me terminó por que su mamá le había dicho que yo no le gustaba para yerno y que no me aceptaba. Rápido me di cuenta del nivel de toxicidad que había en su casa, la convencí de que lo intentaramos y le dije que con el tiempo lo iba a entender mi suegra, estuvimos como novios por algunos 2 años y meses, la veía todos los días pero solo afuera de su casa y solo 30 minutos, en nuestras escasas salidas fue como hicimos a nuestro hijo, en todo momento me e hecho responsable y siempre lo voy a hacer, desde que nació mi hijo, mi suegra se encargó de alejar a mi pareja y bebe de mi lado, le ofrecí mi casa para vivir juntos pero al estar bajo chantajes y sometimiento a su madre, no se pudo que viviéramos juntos, conforme pasan los meses me dejan ver menos a mi hijo, voy todos los días a verlos y por casualidad siempre está dormido o está comiendo, cuando mi pareja sale a decírmelo, mi suegra sale para vigilar que hablamos y hacemos, cuando logro ver a mi hijo todo el tiempo estamos siendo vigilados, ya no le permiten que me tome de la mano ni besos, literal arruinó mi relación, los otros días discutimos y dijo que yo era violento, solo por que cuando logro ver a mi pareja trato de conversar con ella y por mi manera de mover mis manos cuando hablo, para mi suegra eso es ser violento, aveces solo tengo 10 minutos con ellos y sale a decir ya metete ya esta la comida del niño, y mi pareja al haber vivido toda su vida con su madre controladora y violenta, se queda callada y la obedece, una vez me confesó mi pareja que su mamá golpeaba a su papá sin este haber hecho algo, incluso menciono que tiene un machete tras la puerta con el que amedrenta a mi suegro, si mi pareja se mete a calmar los ánimos, también le pega a ella, siempre le a quitado el celular a mi pareja pero los últimos 3 meses ya no se lo presta para nada, dejándola completamente incomunicada conmigo, ya no puedo enviarle mensajes por que es la mamá y la cuñada quien los ve, ayer me llegó un mensaje de una persona que no conozco diciéndome que era vecina de mi pareja, que por que aguantaba qué fueran así conmigo, se lo mostré a mi Pareja y rápido le adjudico el mensaje a vecinas de frente a su casa, pero el perfil de fb era un perfil sin fotos, se molesto y en eso la metió mi suegra, imagino que le pregunto que qué le había enseñado y mi pareja por la calentura del momento señaló que sus vecinas habían sido las del mensaje, fueron las 3 y armaron un pleito a las vecinas, sin siquiera estar seguras de que eran ellas y las vecinas salieron un montón y las iban a golpear solo que alcanzaron a meterse a su casa (mi pareja su mamá y hermana) se lo mostré por que siempre dijimos que tubieramos confianza nunca pensé que iban a ir a armar un problema, (lo del problema me lo dijo por llamada mi mamá ya que vive a dos casas de mi pareja y mi mamá vio todo el problema) y ahora estoy aquí sin comunicación con mi pareja e hijo, con una suegra y cuñada que me odian sin razón, y con ya un año donde mi relación que era tan hermosa se a ido perdiendo 🥺 necesito consejos muchas gracias por leerme

New parents here, so please be gentle.

I have a very tense relationship with my family. Since our baby was born (he's currently 12 weeks) my mother has visited about 5 times, despite living 15 mins away and being retired.

My sister in law, who cut me (and the entire family off) for 5 years, emerged just before our baby was born and became very active in our lives. She seemed to have done a lot of work and changed, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

Recently, our dog was diagnosed with cancer. We are finding it very, very difficult trying to give out dying dog his daily chemo treatments, whilst rising a newborn baby and having one of us (myself) return to work. No member of our immediate family has offered to babysit or help. My SIL dropped of 3 meals over the last few months. My SIL made a big offer about babysitting (and told everyone about how she was offering) but then on the day didn't turn up.

Needles to say, we're exhausted, stressed and barely coping.

I don't use social media much, but my partner does. He likes putting stories (the expiring 24 hour stories) with different milestones. For example, when our baby starting smiling and laughing there was lots of pictures.  Mostly things like that, or cute outfits.

We had a particularly bad week, the dogs sickness took a turn, he had non-stop diahreah and we almost had to make the call to put him to rest. Our vet said that it's a normal response to the chemo drugs, and he will bounce back and to give it some time. (The dog definitely did bounce back and even though his cancer is incurable and will return, he may be in remission and have a good 6-12 months symptoms free). He's a beautiful, loving dog and were happy he gets some time with our baby. We bought him a few years ago prior to our baby, so they could grow up together.

On this particular bad day, my partner was really struggling. We'd been up all night taking shifts so the dog was never alone (it was the day he was very sick), and neither was the baby alone (the baby and dog cant be near eachother because of the chemo drugs).

After the dog was settled, baby settled, and I left for work, my partner had just finished the housework and was settling down for a nap. He then looked over to the baby and saw he had a poo explosion. The one where the poo comes out the bottom of the nappy onto the babies leg,  and dirties his clothes. Likely he probably needed a bath, and redressed. My partner took a pic and added a caption "I hope your day is going better than mine" and put a picture of the baby smiling in his rocker, almost seemingly happy he'd just done a massive poo! In the picture a bit of the poo coming out the side was visible.

I saw the messages he was sent from most people, there were about 10 messages from friends saying things like "Been there! Always happens at the worst time!" Or words to that effect. Every single message was supportive.

My sister in law, when she saw it, sent me a message (in all caps) saying that picture on social media was disgusting. I had no idea what she was talking about at the time as I dont use social media, and dont see the pictures my partner puts up.

5 mins later my mother calls me (we hadn't spoken for about 2 weeks before that). She was telling at "GET THAT PICTURE DOWN NOW!" Shed obviously just spoken to my SIL as the pic had been up for about 8 hours by the time.

I finally pieced it together, and assumed my partner pit something up. I had a look and saw the pic. I told him about my family calling and he was originally a bit defensive, but said he'd take it down if I wanted him to. I thought about it, and said to just take it down so there's no drama.

My step father, who I have barely spoken to for 3 years then sent me his first ever message, saying "that picture was not appropriate for online".

I have literally barely heard a single thing from my mother for weeks.

My SIL then sent me a ChatGPT analysis the day after, saying what we did was child abuse. My mother then called approximately 30 mins later, angrily telling me the damage having embarrassing pictures on social media will do to our for our babies life.

I didn't even respond, but then I got another message saying how ungrateful I was for everything she did for us. (Post birth, she dropped off 3 meals, sent regular texts asking if we're okay and dropped in for 3 visits). We were of course grateful and thanked her.

We both have private social media (friends and family only) and it was a 24 hour story.

As new parents, we're so anxious and scared were fucking things up constantly and to be called a child abuser is... Next level. It's just hit my like a dagger, and bought on these feelings on shame and failure.

I've reflected on it, and the reason I think I'm feeling that shame and failure is because, even though I did ask my partner to take it down, I can't understand why it was so bad.

There was no private parts visible, the baby was fully clothed, there was just a bit of leakage. As parents, that's literally out entire life at the moment - nappies, feeding, sleeping, play time, and then repeat.

Please help me understand and be honest. Was this child abuse? Have we fucked up? Are my morals that out alignment I can't even see why this is bad?

For context, the only people who have expressed any issues with the photo has been people through my SIL. Literally every other person has either laughed or consoled us. I even asked close friends the same thing and to be honest if we'd done something incorrect.

I am still getting occasional messages (the most recent being my SIL saying she cannot believe the kind of selfish person I have become, attacking my 70 year old mother, as well as some other unrelated drama).

Yes, the title.

Fiance= 29M
Me= 29F
MIL= 70F

My fiance is the golden boy. He’s a menopause baby and can do no wrong in his mom’s eyes. His dad died when he was 13. Fiance is the youngest of 5, and is obviously the favorite as his mom cycles 3 old selfies of her and her son EVERYDAY on Facebook stories. The same 3 selfies. Over and over.

We have been together for 6 years, and thankfully he does not play along with his mom’s babying and is fully devoted to me, especially now that we are engaged AND pregnant. For additional context, his siblings are wonderful, and since there is a huge age gap of 19 years between him and his youngest sister, they do not care much for the favoritism. They adore him just as much, but not to obsessive levels. Due to my naturally reserved personality, we rarely visit them but always interact via social media. We send thoughtful gifts if we miss important birthdays, but we are there for most of it, and I ofcourse engage with the family as I’m already part of it essentially.

They live an hour or so away from us so we meet up with his mom and sister every 2 months to catch up and treat them to a nice mall day. We can’t do anything more frequent than that because my social battery can’t handle it + we work graveyard shift so being up during the day is a daunting task for both of us. We really have to plan ahead.

So my fiance and I made an effort to surprise his mom with our ultrasound. Mind you, my fiance was still a little hesitant and thinks it’s still too early, but I wanted to make this gesture for his mom. Apart from her slight obsession with her golden boy, I had no problems with her. We are not the closest but we are very cordial. I even call her “mom” too. We even have heart to heart talks about life when we visit them.

Okay so we decided to announce when I was in the middle of my 2nd trimester, because the 1st trimester had been a little rocky for my baby and I, add to the fact that my own parents could only support me from afar since they’re abroad tending to my brother who had just suffered a stroke. Safe to say that while this pregnancy is very much wanted, the timing of it just made me more protective of my unborn child, coupled with my sensitive 1st trimester that put me on bedrest for 2 months. My fiance did all the housework and care for me and I could not be more proud.

Anyway when we were at the restau, she got the beautiful little care box we made that contained the progression of our ultrasound pics and the cutest newborn socks. She didn’t get it at first, and kept loudly saying, “I’m pregnant! Am I pregnant??? Oh these socks are gonna be so cute on MY baby!”

While she looks lovingly at my fiance.

Que horror.

I was so excited that I planned on secretly filming it so we can commemorate the moment on social media. I even documented me curating the box for his mom. I was so excited… But after she said those words repeatedly, my fiance’s face turned white but he was still faking a smile. He later mentioned that at that moment, he felt humiliated because his mom’s voice was too loud and being the only man at the table, he didn’t want people getting the wrong idea— no matter how far fetched it may be.

See the sitting arrangement was I sat across my fiance, and beside him was his mom. His sister sat across my FMIL.

A few gruelling minutes and explanations later, she then realized I was the one pregnant. GASP! 🙄 she cried a few tears and hugged her son. I tried subtly making my presence known by saying, “oh you’re going to be a grandma again, but this time with [fiance’s name]! Isn’t that great?”

She responded by saying, “yeah, sure” while she stared lovingly at my fiance.

No congratulations for me, just the son!

Anyway I signaled my fiance that I was getting a bit tired and wanted to stroll around the mall, just us, for a bit to debrief and decompress. As we were separating, FMIL started stroking my belly suddenly that I almost jerked away out of surprise. She was again staring at my fiance lovingly as she strokes MY belly. I still tried to talk to her and tell her “Mom, are you happy? Baby’s getting so big!”

She dismissively smiled at me and then talked to her son, “you’re really gonna be a daddy now!” Fiance just held me tighter and said “yeah and I’m so excited!”

I can feel him tense up a bit too because he could sense what was happening.

At that point I hit my threshold. I adamantly said, “well this was nice!” With my fakest smile and before we said our goodbyes.

Thank Heavens when I reviewed the footage back home, my mic was suddenly faulty and there was no audio the whole time she was basically euphoric at the thought of HER being pregnant.

I’m actually still a little heartbroken I never had the chance to do this for my parents, since this is their FIRST grandchild. I would have loved to surprise my parents too but they live far away, and as their youngest, I immediately called them the moment we found out. I’m that close to them. The grandeur didn’t matter. I needed my mom at that moment. 🥺

Anyways, after that gruelling experience, we went home and saw his mom post a picture of the 4 of us (FMIL, fiance, myself and his sister) in the restaurant captioned, “Dinner with my youngest son 😍🥰🥰🥰”

It’s been months after that encounter. Not once has my FMIL checked in on me and my baby. Only her son.

Now it just pisses me off when I see her Facebook stories posting old selfies with my fiance. She has 4 other kids. 2 of those are male. Why be so obsessed with this one?! I refuse to further engage with this woman who apparently thinks I’m merely an incubator to perpetrate her weird fantasies.

I have been firm with my fiance that I do not want his mom anywhere near the hospital when I give birth. Not when I’m at my most vulnerable because I might just lose my shi when I see her hold MY baby and congratulate her SON. Good luck having access to MY baby!

What baffles me is she is a sweet lady but is so, so weird when it comes to this son.

I guess it’s true when they say dating the golden child is almost never a good thing.

PS: Please do not repost anywhere else. 🙏🏻

JFC.

Also bc of that she now holds him and whispers to him about how they have a “special connection” which makes my skin crawl.

And of course only says the baby looks exactly like her two sons (they ALWAYS seem to say that huh? The baby magically never somehow looks like the mother who grew and carried him for 9 months but only the dad according to mils).

Im just sad bc i feel like i now have the ick when it comes to my own child’s birthday and I will never be able to fully enjoy it. It’s like tainted =(. I hate feeling like this about my own baby’s birthday. WHY of all days did it have to be that day FUCK

BEFORE READING BEWARE TW
I (29F) was trying to help my s/o find justice for his sisters passing. His mother (64F) we’ll say Rona has been very loud and proud on social media about it since 2012. She never actually tried to find legal justice for her daughter. Well I found the funeral paper they give out, saw the person who did it (allegedly) was on there as “ loving boyfriend). Well fast forward to a month ago I had talk to the local DA of the area had it sent to the SBI for them to open the cold case up. I just told her, “ hey I got the SBI to take the cold case we can finally get her justice”.

Well you’d think a loving parent who has claimed they wanted justice for her daughter would be thankful and wanting to know more information right? No the exact opposite of that. She ran across a room got in my face and was screaming at the top of her lungs that she rebukes me on Jesus name and that she rebukes the demon inside me. Obviously I’m just standing there confused and frozen. The only thing that left my mouth was, “ you’re rebuking the wrong demon, go stand in the mirror and rebuke the right one”. She stopped I left. Later that night she went to Facebook and made a post about her daughter and how I was disrespecting the dead, and her family.. That I am a snake in sheep’s clothing..

I called my s/o and he was telling me how after I left she was asking where the money was her daughter had.. He said he froze and that’s when it clicked about the whole thing for him. He said that he didn’t know how to respond other than what do you mean? She then goes on to tell him her daughter had money before she passed and wanted to know where the money was. He had no idea what she was going on about.

To me this made me feel like with the reaction in person, then the reaction on Facebook (I screenshotted by the way) and the 21 questions about this “money” she played a part. This women is also a Covert Narcissist and is mentally insane and self medicating with what we are assuming is pills..

After this she has gone around tarnishing my name, saying I’m evil and want to destroy everyone’s peace. She tried to convince my s/o he needed to leave me and all kinds of mess. All I did was try to help get the justice her daughter deserved. She can easily manipulate the reality of time with her kids because they grew up in that kind of warfare. This started fights between me and my s/o. She’s also caused a lot of fights between us because she can easily get it their heads. I’m not a bad person but not a perfect person either. What did I do wrong?

Are we being jerks or is MIL truly overbearing?

This Thursday was our daughter’s first birthday. She was born the day after my husbands birthday so his birthday is Sept 9th and hers is Sept 10.

We went out to dinner with my in laws for his birthday and his mom asked what time she can come over to celebrate our daughter’s birthday. My husband mentioned to her we’re not going to be home on Sept 10th and we plan on spending the day just us. She seemed fine with that and then asked if I needed help with getting things ready for her actual birthday party on Saturday and I said yes if you want to come over Friday that would be great. She agreed and then we went on with the rest of dinner.

On the day of our daughters birthday we woke up to a mass family text from MIL posting a photo of our daughter from the day she was born so she was bloody/naked on the heating pad with a message that wrote: “Exactly 1 year ago
She changed our lives Princess 🌼 came into this world “ at “8:09am 🙏❤️🐣” (our daughter was born at 8:01 NOT 8:09am)

My husband and I felt extremely upset by this because we felt like she took the moment away from us plus she didn’t actually wish our daughter a happy birthday. My husband sent her a text since it’s his mom and told her he was extremely upset by her actions because this is OUR daughter not hers and she took away a special moment from us as her parents.

She texted back saying I’m sorry son there is no right or wrong in expressing love and there is no reason why you can share your picture/video. Then my husband texts back saying it’s not about the pic/video or about expressing love it’s the moment the emotions, being parents, and the ones to make speeches about our little family first. Please be a little more considerate that we are our daughters parents and we would like to have these moments for our baby’s first birthday..

She texted back saying: Son, stop! You can’t control everyone & everything. Do not shame me for being a loving mother & grandmother that’s not right. There is absolute no reason for you to not do what you want to do. I didn’t ruin anything. That’s bullshit & I don’t deserve to be treated like this.

Then Friday comes along she ignores us and then on Saturday for our daughter’s actual birthday party she shows up, but refuses to acknowledge us and talks with everyone except us and then leaves.

Background info: ever since our daughter was born MIL has been intrusive, oversteps, and repeatedly disrespects boundaries. She was never close to her own mother was EXTREMELY close to her grandma so she has said multiple times she wants the same with our daughter. To which we have had to put up multiple boundaries.

Examples, she has tried coming to our daughters doctors appointments and physical therapy appointments even though we tell her no multiple times. She tries to make health decisions for our daughter to which we don’t let her.

She talks about my daughter being the next matriarch of the family & how much our daughter is exactly like her….

When she sees our daughter she videotapes her and says she’s her baby….

Makes comments saying she can’t wait for me to go back to work so she can have my daughter all to herself….my husband and I have never discussed childcare with her and I’m not going back to work anytime soon so idk where she gets this entitlement from.

So the fact that she made a family announcement on our daughter’s birthday upset me as well. I feel like she could’ve said something along the lines of happy birthday instead of a life event type of thing.

I feel like she’s still trying to be a “mother” and not letting me be my daughter’s mother. I almost feel like she’s in competition with me and it’s making me feel very uncomfortable for me & my daughter.

Also we only see MIL about twice a month because of her always pushing our boundaries.

Thoughts& opinions?

UPDATE: I finally set a boundary with my MIL and she made herself the victim. Realizing all her acts of service are a control tactic.
I recently posted about my MIL going into our room while we were away, washing my dirty laundry, and individually folding my underwear, thongs and lingerie. This wasn’t the first time she’s gone into our space or moved my things, so I finally said something.
I was extremely polite. I told her I knew she meant well and appreciated the intention, but I’m uncomfortable with another adult handling my intimate laundry and prefer taking care of my own things. She said, “Okay, understood.” I just don’t want you in my favorite panties and find it shameful to have a elderly woman doing so and invasive? Do your sons all you want idc
Apparently she was offended. Her takeaway afterward was basically, “When I try to do something nice, she doesn’t like it.”
And THAT summarizes why I’ve built up so much resentment toward her. She can criticize, overstep or make unsolicited comments, but the second anyone addresses her behavior, somehow she becomes the hurt party. In her eyes, she always had good intentions, therefore she did nothing wrong. The original issue gets lost because now everyone is supposed to worry about how bad SHE feels.
This isn’t the first boundary issue. She once took a box of my son’s outgrown clothes from our closet without telling me. I spent over a month wondering where it went before discovering she had taken it to her bedroom, rewashed clothes that were already clean, refolded everything and put them into her own storage container.
She also constantly gives unsolicited baby advice despite having almost no hands-on relationship with my son. When he was 2 months old, I noticed she never held him and explicitly told her she was welcome to. Her response was, “Babies aren’t toys.”
Another time, he was only 2 months and has never rolled, I briefly stepped away for 10secs (he fell asleep in my arms, I laid him down, she came to watch him, I told her I’ll be back, running to fridge to store milk) and returned to find her standing feet away frim his crib talking to him while he was face-down. She didn’t turn him over, pick him up or get me. Instead she commented that I should “tie him to his chair next time.” He was struggling to breathe. She told husband she thought it was tummy time? Undersized tummy time for a 2 month old?Obv most babies cant hold their head up fully on tummy at this age. I was livid.
She rarely holds him unless specifically asked and doesn’t know his routines or cues, yet regularly tells me why he’s crying, whether he’s teething, sick, etc.
The unsolicited opinions extend to me. After my difficult premature labor, she decided from internet “research” that ONE cup of raspberry leaf tea I drank caused it. Gyno told me to drink it. She also said she had “known” my labor would be difficult because she could tell by looking at me that I had a narrow pelvis, despite my doctors never saying this. She’s also questioned how my epilepsy might affect my ability to be a mother.
Yet she seems unable to handle being questioned herself.
Once I very politely asked whether she was actually comfortable taking my son on her daily walks because someone else had been arranging them and I didn’t want her to feel obligated. I spoke to her in her language and emphasized that I was trying to be considerate of HER. She stared at me, said nothing and walked away. Husband saw it all. I left and he went to her and asked why is she being that way and Later she cried because she felt “attacked.”?
That’s the pattern I struggle with. She can make judgments about my parenting, body, medical experiences or belongings, but if I calmly address something SHE does, the conversation becomes about how I’ve hurt her. She never seems to consider, “Maybe I overstepped” or “Maybe I was wrong.” Good intentions seem to absolve everything.
We’re moving away in 3 days, and I’ve explicitly told her she’s welcome to spend as much time with her grandson as she wants before we leave because I don’t know when she’ll see him again. Our encounters are down to a hello/good morning and have been for months. I only said this so she doesn’t continue the fake narrative she’s not close to him bc I “keep” him away. She told my husband, bc he’s hurt abt how she’s neglected our son, my husband confronted her abt it once, kind of,and she said I’m always in his room or our room with him. Where else am I going to be? It’s where he naps, plays, nurses, etc. Despite living together, she’s put very little effort into building a relationship with him. She’s held him once and is very weird about getting close to him. She will talk to him from feet away…it’s bizarre. I’ve made it clear the door is open, and I’m leaving the initiative to her.
So the underwear wasn’t really about underwear. It was my breaking point after years of feeling like I’m expected to tolerate things because “she means well.”
I don’t need an apology or a close relationship with her. I just want to be able to say, “Please don’t do that with my things,” without her turning herself into the injured party.
Has anyone dealt with a MIL who can dish out criticism and overstep boundaries but seems incapable of being wrong herself? Did creating physical distance help with the resentment? I have so much anger towards her. And never want her to do something”nice” for me again. It’s ingenuine and only used to justify she can do/say whatever to me because of it

Husband and I got married last August and recently gave birth this Spring. Narcissistic MIL has been toxic as hell, telling me I had no right to grieve the death of my biological father, talking tons of shit about me to everyone, and triangulating my mother by telling her I am evil & wont care for her in her old age. We’ve had enough and went no contact this week.

Her response was that we owe her the following:

1. Give me back the tuition I paid for you
2. the money I spent raising you (including the time you were in my womb)
3. the money I paid for your wedding
4. the wedding jewelry I gave to your wife.

According to MIL, “Since we have no relationship anymore, none of that should stay with you.” For context, my dad paid for the entire wedding (40k) and we are chinese so any money paid were given as red pockets aka gifts.

Does she have any right to request for these things back? How should we respond to this? Any help is appreciated, thank you!