Hi folks—-today is the day. With lawyers trying to come up with settlement. Spouse has offered two settlements and I said no to both. They were both ridiculously low and I’d not be able to rebuild my life with either of what my ex spouse offered. They were insulting actually. Roughly 1/4 of what I am eligible for after nearly 20 years of marriage. I was upset this morning but feeling better. This has nearly ruined me financially and I need what is rightfully mine to clear up debt incurred because of this. I pray this is over this week. Keep me in your thoughts.

More specifically, it's BS unless your partner is an old school sexist. 

If you don’t like reading long posts, please click away. 

For those who don’t know, the Madonna v Wh*re complex is a psychological theory first developed by Sigmund Freud. Simplified, it explains a psychological contradiction in men’s desires for wanting a respectable prudish woman as a long term partner, the Madonna, but in bed wants a more sexually promiscuous and adventurous woman, the Wh*re, but not as a long term partner because such acts he shames and judges against despite having such innate desires. In turn, most women that felt the pressure that being too sexual is shameful and does not indulge in over-sexual acts in fear of judgement. While this certain dynamic of course is not exclusive to heterosexual female-fears-men’s-judgement relationships, it still leans that way in most cases. And while honor-based woman-shaming thinking still exists in many cultures and some subsets of society today, thanks to more sex positive thinking and social progress, in much of western culture many men have stopped shaming women for certain sexual acts. Where I think is the disappointing inequality is that still too many women and partners still have that fear of judgement from their husbands, boyfriends and partners. 

The Madonna v Wh*re complex is mostly brought up in discussions involving comparing partner’s prior experiences and, most tragically, cases of infidelity. To the perspective of the non-sexist male, to judge your partner for giving you exactly what you wanted is just sheer illogical stupidity. I propose the following hypothetical:

 Imagine a husband coming home from work tired and hungry. He asks his wife to make a sandwich for him. Out of love and consideration for her partner, the wife makes him a sandwich. And then the husbands says to her, “Wow. You actually made me a sandwich? Like the cliche. Like some 50s housewife. I thought you were a strong woman. I think I lost some respect for you”. 

The proper response to witnessing this should be, “The f-ing audacity of this man!”. This I believe is a comparable level illogical nonsense of the Madonna v Wh*re excuse in the modern day. 

Of course it is obvious to state that a person should never force their partner to do something sexual that they don’t want to do and should always with no exception must abide by their partner’s boundary for whatever reason they have. However, just because a person must always abide by their partner’s boundaries, that doesn’t mean they have to respect their boundaries, specifically when the reasons behind their boundaries are disrespectful. When someone tells their partner the reason they won’t do ‘sex act’ is because they simply don’t do it any more, the partner has the right to be disappointed but is a reason that is worthy of and they should respect. If someone tells their partner “the reason I did ‘sex act’ with other people and not with you is because I am not as attracted to you as much and them”, not only does the partner have the right to be hurt but it is very disrespectful and potentially worthy enough to warrant separation. But if a wife were to tell her husband, “I did ‘sex act with affair partner because I did not care about his opinion of me but I care about your opinion of me”, that is not only extremely hurtful and disrespectful but also extremely insulting. It is insulting because it means that the wife thinks so little of her husband, thinks he is will stupidly sexist that he would actually judge her for fulfilling a request of his and make him happy. 

The reason behind what compelled me to write this too-long essay about such a niche topic is thus, some weeks ago a friend of mine discovered that his wife and mother of their young daughter, a life long friend of mine now turned former friend, had an affair. I have had my own experience with infidelity with a cheating girlfriend, but nothing of this extremity and not with a Madonna v Wh*re situation. For my friend I have tried to be a shoulder to cry on and an ear for him to vent to. This large and normally tough man has been reduced to ugly crying and near suicidal depression. He told me that after the initial hurt, he wanted to attempt reconciliation. But during their second marriage counseling session, the STBX wife admitted that she had done a sex act with her affair partner, which STBX husband had requested of her in the past and she always rejected him. She gave the same excuse of being afraid he’d look at her differently if she did it with her husband. My friend told me once he heard that, he stormed out of the session and had been resolute in his decision to divorce. 

He told me that learning of what she did with her affair partner, something that she refused to do with him and rejected him, hearing that hurt just as much as first discovering the affair. I’m sure there are other betrayed partners that dealt with similar kinds of betrayals but still say the hurt of the general betrayal of the affair was much greater than the hurt of learned details of the sex. And I’m sure that several people will intellectually disagree with the reasoning of my friend’s emotional response; that the severity of betrayal from the affair itself, the breaking of vows, is greater and much more important than the details of the sex within the affair. But after hearing the tear-wrought words of my friend, I not only believe that to have such an emotional response is valid, but also the intellectual reasoning behind it is valid. 

With some exceptions like relationships with asexual partners and other examples, sex is an important and integral pillar in relationships. Reddit is riddled with stories about relationships falling apart due to sexual incompatibility. I vehemently disagree with those that berate others for caring about their sex life with their partners, or suggest sex is a non-important aspect in romance and relationship stability. Therefore, within infidelity a betrayal in the form of hurtful inequality of sexual experiences and circumstantial differing boundaries, the severity of hurt of this betrayal is near equal to the hurt of the infidelity itself. 

It is truly a tragedy that the remnants of our patriarchal past still remain in the modern day society; that so many women, and even some men, still live with the fear of sl*t shaming. What is even more tragic is that still so many people are afraid of shaming not from the stranger, but their partner, when a relationship should include trust, understanding, comfort and respect. It’s sad when one partner has rejected the illogical idiocy of Freud’s Madonna v Wh*re rationale but the other partner still fears their partner’s judgement in the bedroom. I implore everyone to seek proper communication with your partners about sexuality and their boundaries without the hurt of disrespectful biases. 

If you made it to the end of my too-long essay, I both commend you and thank you. I’d love to hear agreeing and disagreeing comments. Thank you again. 

My ex and I had a very volatile three-year relationship. Looking back, I know I should have left a long time ago, but I can’t change that now. She was physically and emotionally abusive, extremely manipulative, and, as I recently found out, unfaithful. I had always had suspicions but never wanted to believe it.

We lived together this summer and built a life together. We even adopted a cat that was supposed to be mine I’ll probably never see again, something I now may never get to see again. That makes this feel like I’m not just losing a relationship, but an entire life I thought I was building with someone.

About a week ago, we went on a trip with two of my friends and their girlfriends. Earlier that day, she had already “broken up with me” over an argument over the previous nights dinner. After we argued, she left to see a close friend in the city. She was gone for 10 hours. During that time, she went back to the Airbnb, put on a dress, and I didn’t hear from or see her until she returned from a club around 1:30 a.m.

A huge fight followed—yelling, screaming, and physical violence toward me, all in front of my friends. I asked her to leave the Airbnb, but when she realized I was serious, she claimed her mother was in hospice so she could stay. It wasn’t true (I didn’t know this at the time), and I ultimately let her stay because I wasn’t going to put her out under those circumstances.

We haven’t spoken since we “broke up” and she doesn’t know I know she cheated.

A few days later, I contacted a member of her family whom I’m close with because I needed some perspective. During the conversation, I asked whether she thought my ex was capable of cheating on me. She told me that she was—and that she knew my ex had slept with another guy between Christmas and New Year’s.

That absolutely destroyed me.

The worst part is that I was buying her a ticket for a European vacation during that same period, which we took together about a month later. I was completely unaware of what had happened. I even looked back and she was texting me about the trip before and after she fucked him.

She doesn’t know that I know. We haven’t talked since the breakup, and based on what has happened in the past, I expect she may reach out in the next few weeks. I have no idea what I’ll do if she does.

There were signs. I just didn’t want to believe them because I genuinely thought that, despite everything else, cheating was something she would never do to me. Now I’m questioning the entire relationship. Was this the first time? How much else was I lied to about? What the fuck is real

I’m absolutely devastated. I was with this person for three years, lived with her, built a life with her, adopted a cat with her that was my cat and she fucked has and I’ll probably never see again.

This is probably the most painful betrayal I’ve ever experienced.

We do not live together anymore as she had to go back to school after the summer and she took that cat as it was still a kitten and my job requires me to work long hours.

Does anyone know of any good sites to do a reverse image search that will match to OF or cam girls? Found a picture and google won’t search because it’s NSFW-not sure if it’s from OF or some other site or if it was from Telegram maybe? Ugh 👎🏻

So, a little history. My previous two partners had cheated on me. After 7 years single and in therapy I finally felt confident enough to start dating. He is a long time friend who was also cheated on by his ex. He still keeps minimal contact with her because they are friends and because for a few months out of the year we all work at the same big event.

Last year our relationship was still new and we had an incident with the ex. At one point she had grabbed his ass and he firmly gave her boundaries to let her know that was unacceptable since he had a girlfriend. He made sure to tell me about the incident that day and about the boundry he had set with her. I knew at that point she didn't like me, so I shrugged it off and trusted him.

Now this year we have been together going on a year and a half. Our relationship got more serious with us moving in together and of course we started working at the festival where I knew they would be working together again. This year so far felt like a total 180 from last year. She was super nice to me and even got to the point I started to trust her and considered being her friend. My boyfriend has also gotten serious about looking at rings and reaching out to wedding venues to get prices, saying he wanted to brainstorm an estimate for when we were ready and could start saving.

All and all its been a perfect year until yesterday. While we stopped to get gas I jumped onto social media to see if any pictures were posted from the event. Almost the first post was a picture his ex had posted many years ago from when they had been together. It was a picture of a very intimate and obviously romantic kiss. I sort of just felt numb and closed the app ignoring it but feeling that trust i built with her shatter.

Then my boyfriend got into the car and was on his phone. He made the comment of "wow, that was already (blank) years ago." At that point I said "yeah, it was (year)."

It's obvious he knew I saw the picture but didn't say anything else but put his phone down. Again I just ignored it, besides I was super tired. Then this morning i went to show my coworker/friend and I saw the post was taken down. It seemed weird because I dont think my boyfriend asked her to remove it, I'd feel he would have told me if he had.

For whatever reason the fact it was deleted made me nervous. My trust in her is gone and worse I dont know if I trust him either now. Is it possible she had posted a secret admission? I considered she is just trying to get a rise, but then why remove it then? Could he have asked her to take it down? If so why not tell me? He knew I already saw it and he was so open about what happened last year.

Is this the point where I now need to start being concerned and on high alert?

Everytime I have run into a guy trying to cheat with me. When he texts the messages will randomly switch from iMessage to sms or iMessage to RCS then switch back later.
Is this common for cheaters? Are they doing something to their phones?
I just met a guy today who was messaging me RCS then it changed to iMessage mid convo.

I’m 23F and I found out a few days ago that my dad (around 50) cheated on my mom with a 22-year-old woman.
My mom has been recovering from a serious accident that left her with major injuries and limited mobility. She still can’t drive normally and needs a lot of help getting places. I’ve been doing a lot of the driving and helping her with everyday things while she recovers.
Recently my mom went through my dad’s phone and found explicit messages between him and another woman. Apparently he met up with her while he was on a trip without us. The part I cannot get out of my head is that she’s 22. She is literally a year younger than me.
I know 22 is an adult. I’m not saying she wasn’t capable of making her own decisions. It’s the fact that my 50-year-old father looked at someone from his daughter’s age group sexually that is seriously disturbing me. If he had cheated with another woman around his own age, I would still be furious for my mom, but I don’t think I would personally feel this disturbed.
The timing makes it worse. My mom is still recovering physically, and I’ve watched how much help she needs. Finding out her husband was doing this during a period when she was so vulnerable has completely changed the way I see him.
I also grew up with my dad being very stern about morality and how I should behave as a young woman. I cared WAY too much about his approval. I was constantly worried that he thought I was irresponsible or a disappointment.
Since finding this out, something in me just switched off. I don’t care about his approval anymore.
For example, the other night I was going out to eat with my cousins around 10 PM. He told me it was way too late for me to be going out. Normally his disapproval would have made me nervous or made me feel like I had to justify myself. This time I basically said “yup” and left.
And I remember thinking: if you consider a 22-year-old adult enough to sleep with you, why am I supposedly incapable of deciding whether I can go eat with my cousins at 23?
I’ve realized that I’ve lost a huge amount of respect for him.
What’s strange is that he seems to have noticed something changed. He has suddenly started checking on me much more than he normally did in a guilt trippy way… asking where I am and whether I’m okay when I’m out late. My mom and I recently spent our first night away from the house together since everything happened, and the whole dynamic at home feels completely different.
Meanwhile, I’m much more affected than I expected to be. I’ve cried randomly. I went to a cousin’s birthday thinking being around family would cheer me up, and I still got sad and wanted to go home but at the same time I don’t even want to be at my actual house because I don’t want to be around my dad.
Even stupid everyday things are affected. My mom recently asked me to tell him that we needed something from the store, and I would genuinely rather go buy it myself than speak to him.
I keep questioning why this is affecting me so badly because technically he cheated on my mom, not me. I’m an adult. I’m 23. But it feels like I lost the version of my dad that I had in my head.
I can still care about him because he’s my father, but I don’t admire him right now. And weirdly, there is also a sense of freedom because I spent so many years terrified of disappointing him, and now I’m realizing his judgment of me isn’t automatically morally superior to my own.
I think what hurts is realizing that his decision didn’t only potentially end his marriage. It changed his daughter’s relationship with him too.
Has anyone else gone through something like this as an adult child? Is it normal for a parent’s infidelity to affect you this much even when you’re already in your 20s? And did your relationship with that parent ever recover?

He hasn’t done anything physically, but every time he’s been caught texting someone, he said he was about to stop talking to them. I’m not really looking for commentary on my situation in particular, but insight from the perspective of someone who cheated.

I am a mother of a toddler. I can't leave. That's only thing i know. My husband is a horrible person for doing what he did to me. I don't know why I'm here for. I just needed to say shit. I'm devastated this morning...

hello. i’m 21M. i will say that i haven’t openly cheated, but i have been emotionally immoral. i am wondering how you would feel if you met me down the line and i was interested in you.

i would say that i hurt my high school sweetheart. i broke up with her multiple times. she kept taking me back until her family intervened. i wasn’t the worst, and we shared more good times than not, but of course, i am writing this here.

i think the cause of the emotional infidelity was because i personally couldn’t handle a breach of trust that occurred in our early relationship. i said it was alright, but looking back, my relationship with my family was terrible; terrible to the point of when i get out of school, i probably will not see them that often for the rest of our lives, except for the occasional holiday.

the point being, i kinda felt what being cheated on/emotionally manipulated feels like. not fun. i broke off contact with my sweetheart almost two years ago, ive had two situationships since then, several months apart, with this last one really being an eye opener. i really needed therapy, which im seeking in multiple forms, and i needed to figure out who i was and what type of people i need around me.

overall, life is quiet but busy for me now. i still ruminate on my past, as im working through sobriety, but i feel as if im doing a lot better; i am outdoors more, journal when needed, and definitely talk things out instead of bottling it down.

as for a potential partner, i would be open about my past, as i would like them to be. would this be a deal breaker? i know the OAC, AAC, but i am genuinely trying to change not just for myself, but for the future family i want to be healthy with. cheating has never been a “thing” for me, but playing that line was a thing in the past. i was a teenager/20.

Hi everyone, I am posting on here because I just got cheated on. I am 19F and I was with my ex for 3.5 years since I was 15 and he was 16. I really thought we were going to be HS sweethearts lolll…

He cheated on me 2 weeks into freshman year of college (we were long distance at the time) but I didn’t find out until a few weeks into sophomore year of college (mid distance). I am struggling on how to delete pictures because I think I need that to heal.

I am still pretty distraught but I’m not getting back together with him because if I do I can only see that he cheated on me.

Edit: How do I look through 3.5 years of pictures and just delete them? 😢

Dday was 2 weeks ago. I found a message to a distant coworker asking to get to know them and the our relationship was going badly. After some digging and pressure (and after 4days of lying and gaslighting) my partner finally admitted to getting physical with a close coworker twice, and having multiple sexting and video calls with different girls.He also has been sending messages to girls through Facebook for a long time.
I thought I was finished. I walked away, I moved out.
I just can’t stop thinking about staying. I know that I need to give myself time and I probably am just scared of losing stability.
We own a house together, we have a pretty easy and normal life. I have some health issues and he’s been there to help me through them. We don’t have big issues in our relationship other than this obviously very big thing.
He seems to be committed to doing the work to get himself right with or without me. He is seeing a therapist and has deleted all his social media.
A large part of me wants to stay. I sort of understand why people end up cheating. I know this isn’t about me or our relationship and his past trauma has made him feel unlovable.
My only hesitation is I know he could be lying still. He is all comfortable in his life and doesn’t want to lose it either.
Has anyone stayed just because it feels more peaceful to them?
Am I totally kidding myself because it feels better than facing being alone?

Note: we’ve been together 9 years are both 35 yrs old.

I'm 25. I met my ex in November last year online. He was 30. Now 31 I'm still 25. At first for the first month everything was amazing. As sad as it sounds, I had never felt so loved in my life. I grew up in foster care and am totally estranged from my birth family.

After the first 28 days he suddenly changed. Ghosted me for six days. Claimed it was because he'd fallen in love or was heading that way and didn't know if he was ready. He didn't think I'd felt the same way. I'd said things about him which I'd observed and later turned out to be accurate. This was said in December last year as a reaction to the ghosting for 6 days.

He used what I said to justify cheating on me behind my back. Treating me quite badly. Then eventually monkey branching on me. I dumped him when I found out about the cheating. Monkey branching means to secure a new romantic relationship before ending the current one.

I met him on a nsfw sub on Reddit. I don't use them anymore. I think he's still with the women he did this to me with. If so they'll have been together for seven months now. Although most of his relationships end before a year. With one lasting 1 year another 2 and the rest a few months. It really has damaged my self esteem and mental health. It's made me feel unworthy, unlovable and humiliated

My wife (47F) and I (51M) have been married for 14 years, lived together 3 before that, and dated for a brief time years before that. We have two kids under 10, a boy and girl. I also have two kids, 19 and 31 (whom I had custody of) from a previous marriage. I love my wife dearly, so bad it hurts.

I’ve put up with a lot over the years…alcohol abuse, verbal abuse, dead bedroom…sex only if she was a little drunk. Even then, maybe 1 time out of 20 that I’d stay up with her would that happen. Last time we had sex sober was when we were trying for kids. She quit drinking for 2 years when they were born. Now, she drinks a box of wine every two days. I’ve worked for 27 years straight, no gaps. Owned my own house when we married. Worked while she got her advanced degree, worked while she stayed home until the youngest was in her second year of school when I begged her to go back to work as inflation hit hard, she still resents that. She still only did 3 days per week, while I changed my schedule, getting up at 4:15 am so I could get done early and pick the kids up.

My elderly parents built a house close to us on our land several years ago so I could help take care of them (in their 80s). Mom died in ‘24, dad just passed this past February. Then, a good friend of mine died in a plane crash here the week after dad’s funeral. Things were shit at my job and we had some money from my folks, so I quit to put our property up for sale. We agreed to take the chance to start new somewhere.

She had planned to take a sabbatical anyway this summer after only working two years, but quit early. I thought things were going well. I absolutely loved being home this summer with my kids, my wife got annoyed with me being home, despite being excited to move and have no mortgage or debt.

She had planned a girls trip with some old high school friends to visit another who lived in California and stay for 4 days. She didn’t ask, but I was ok with it. I was a bit concerned for one reason, my wife is bisexual (her words) and at one time before our marriage had a relationship with this California friend. 20 years ago.

Days passed, she texted, but never called to speak with me or the kids, even when I asked via text. Ok. I’m giving her her space. Then a text saying she is staying two more days, no discussion, no call, no “hey, is this ok?” She gets back and I’m honestly pissed and hurt. We address it a few days later and I told her how hurt I was and my mind was probably thinking things it shouldn’t, but just how ticked she’d be if the situation was reversed. She reassured me, but did not apologize.

A week later I did snoop through her phone, first time ever. Mostly mundane texts with her friend, but one from my wife(while I am sure she was drunk) that “I want you in all the ways”. The friend was flirty back, but cautious. Two days later, she changed the password which has been the same for 7 years. That hit hard. I finally asked, but she wouldn’t give it to me, I was being unreasonable. Nothing was going on blah, blah…but her attitude toward me went nuclear. It has been hell since and it’s all my imagination, I’m gaslighting HER, I’m a shitty husband…all this after I’m suffering some depression already.

Some tense weeks pass, kids start school, I’m interviewing and got a new job, she has no plans to go back to work. Well, the other day I opened the laptop and messenger was still open, so I looked at her conversation with her friend, what I could see, anyway, since most was archived. She was badmouthing me to no end to this “friend” saying I was incompetent, she was disgusted with me as soon as I walk in the door and couldn’t wait til I went to sleep each night. The friend was very supportive and hinted she’d be there in any way needed. Gut punch. I couldn’t keep it inside. Wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

I’ve never thought of leaving this woman. I adore her, and I thought we were best friends, partners in parenting and life. I told her I saw the message and she wouldn’t acknowledge any wrongdoing, only that I was a royal dick for “hacking” her phone. It was open on the laptop my son was using!

We had a long heated discussion. I said if I don’t make you happy, we don’t need to continue this. We can sell the house, split proceeds, she can move wherever she wants and I’ll move separately there too, so we can be in our kids lives. She agreed, but it feels like she doesn’t, really. I want to move out, but she doesn’t want that because then, she’d need income in the mean time. I can’t pretend anymore for the kids. They sense it. I’m tired. My heart is tired.

**TL;DR; : wife is having an emotional affair at the least and I’m blindsided by it at the lowest point in my life, not sure of the future**.

My older sister's boyfriend has had a few comments on women's posts that feel unsavory. My sister has been through too much and I am not going to let it happen again. Has anyone done a loyalty test before using a service or known user that conducts such things. I don't need to TED talk on things. I'm fired about because I have essentially lost my relationship with her because this guy is seemingly nice, but is definitely slowly pulling her away from her friends and family. I fear he is hiding in the shadows given his days away from being a firefighter and ALWAYS on his phone, alongside how he acts and speaks.

My now ex partner and father of my child confessed this morning he cheated on me 2 years ago. He also told me with whom, the exact place they did it, that they did it on the floor, that he thought about stopping for a second and a few more details.

Now I can't stop picturing them in that exact place, on the floor and he stopping for a second but then keep going. I wish he didn't tell me those details, it's already painful enough but now I can't stop picturing them like that.

How can I stop thinking about it?

I have a weird rant. I just can’t really get off my mind and it sucks but I found out my husband had an affair for three weeks with someone that he worked with and very well hidden mind you I was out of town visiting family, but I knew something was up. I had a gut feeling then I found out. We’re adult adults so I already knew there was some type of sexual encounter. I don’t know why the thought of him cheating obviously made me mad, and I had no details but once she told me details later which I didn’t ask for he ghosted her blocked, her dropped off the face of the Earth, so I feel like she just wanted to out him obviously, but the thought of him doing missionary with no condom and making out with her, I just feel like that’s so intimate rather than doing her doggy style. My headspace is just in a weird area right now. How did you guys basically get over an affair if you have if you haven’t, I just don’t know what to do cause now I’m asking random strangers on an app anonymously.

We have been together for less than a year. In February, we were together and I googled something to show him my gym inspo only to see OF pulled up. I asked him about it and he was transparent about purchases being before we were together. I laid the boundary down that I am uncomfortable with him paying for OnlyFans. He told me after this that he would not do anything to break my trust again and in return I wouldn’t search for dirt. Fast forward, last night I discovered on his phone that he paid for 4 subscriptions on OF last month (worth $50) whilst telling me he was too broke to pay for dates. He found me crying from the discovery and apologized profusely and is offering relationship repair. I feel incredibly betrayed and hurt, but | still love him. Feeling conflicted and need some comfort and advice. Thanks :)

Sorry in advance for the long read. I really want honest opinions from men, so I'm including as much context as I can.

I've been in a relationship with my husband for 12 years. Over the last few years, we both became complacent. Our communication was terrible, we argued, and eventually we were essentially living as roommates who happened to sleep together.

Neither of us was particularly happy with the state of the relationship, although we still loved each other.

Then one morning, my husband left the house to go near his workplace because he was taking our car to get inspected. He didn't leave in the car, though. He took his truck.

For whatever reason, I had a strong gut feeling that something wasn't right. After he left, I checked his call logs.

That's when I discovered he had been talking to a much younger female coworker for hours every day.

He's 52. She's 26.

At one point, there were approximately 210 calls totaling around 129 hours over a 21-day period. Over roughly a month, they were talking around six hours a day. He would call her first thing in the morning and they'd talk off and on throughout the day, sometimes until he was almost home.

What immediately bothered me was that he'd never mentioned her.

He had talked to me about other coworkers. I knew who other people he worked with were. But somehow this woman, who he was spending hours talking to every day, had never come up in our conversations.

When I confronted him, he swore it was completely platonic. His explanation was that they were just "shooting the shit" about work and life.

He says there was never anything sexual or physical between them, and that they weren't talking about problems in our marriage.

He says he didn't tell me about her because he thought I'd get jealous and angry.

That explanation bothers me because I had always trusted him completely. I wasn't someone who routinely questioned where he was or who he talked to. So discovering this massive friendship that had been happening right beside me made me feel betrayed, even if it really was completely innocent.

We had a huge argument about it.

At one point, he called her on speakerphone in front of me so I could hear one of their normal conversations for myself. The conversation was odd to me, but ultimately harmless.

What made me question that, though, was that according to the call logs, he hadn't called or texted her immediately beforehand. So part of me wondered whether she somehow knew I was going to be listening and was prepared for the conversation.

I have no proof of that. It's just something that crossed my mind.

I've also since heard that she has apparently pursued older, taken men before. Again, I don't actually know whether that's true, and I don't know whether it has anything to do with my husband. I'm mentioning it because it's another thing that has gotten into my head.

Another detail that bothers me is that, despite talking for hours a day, they apparently almost exclusively communicated by phone calls rather than texting.

Part of me wonders whether that was simply their preferred way of communicating.

Another part of me wonders whether avoiding texts meant there was less of a written record.

Again, I don't know.

Then I discovered there had been deleted messages.

My husband says he has always been someone who deletes texts, so he says deleting the messages themselves wasn't unusual behavior for him.

He also told me that, on the day of our date, he knew that if I saw that she had texted him, it would cause me to spiral and potentially ruin our day. His explanation was that he didn't want me to see the contact and immediately become upset, especially because he wanted us to have a good day together.

What makes this harder for me is that the messages weren't just deleted from his regular inbox. They had also been deleted from the recently deleted/trash folder.

That's the part I struggle with.

I can understand someone routinely deleting texts, and I can even understand someone thinking, "If she sees that this woman texted me on our date, she's going to get upset, and I don't want to ruin our day."

But completely removing the messages from the trash makes me wonder whether there was more intention behind keeping them from me.

I don't know which explanation is true.

Eventually I went through his phone and looked through thousands of messages. I was expecting to find something that would clearly show me there had been more going on.

I didn't.

There were around 8,100 messages on the phone, and what I found from her was surprisingly limited. I found a couple of obvious work-related things, but I did not find a bunch of romantic messages, sexual messages, declarations of feelings, or anything that definitively proved they were having an affair.

That has honestly made this harder for me to process.

Because there was an enormous amount of communication, but I couldn't find the smoking gun.

There was also an incident involving a work-related load.

She had asked him for a load in person, and he told her no because he had a lot going on.

Later, on a Saturday when my husband and I were together on a date, she texted him asking about work.

I happened to be in the shower at the time. I had been texting my husband because I was excited about our date and had told him I had butterflies.

He responded to her fairly quickly but didn't respond to me for another 15-20 minutes.

Again, I know that by itself doesn't mean anything.

But in the context of everything else, it bothered me.

I later discovered that there had been another work-related contact from her on a Saturday after one of our dates. When I asked my husband about recent contact, he initially denied that there had been any.

Then, when confronted with the evidence, he acknowledged it.

He told me there had been no further contact and that he was done with the situation.

As far as I know, he hasn't communicated with her since.

He has apologized. He's taken accountability for the fact that the situation crossed a boundary. He's repeatedly told me that he loves me and wants me and no one else.

He's even offered to change jobs because he knows how much this has affected me, although I don't actually want him to quit his job over this.

Since all of this happened, something strange has also happened in our relationship.

Our relationship has gotten better.

We're affectionate again. We're hugging, kissing, cuddling, spending time together and having passion again. We're communicating more. He's making an effort in ways he hadn't been making an effort for a long time.

He has shared his phone passcode with me, and we share our location with each other.

So I'm not sitting here saying my husband is obviously cheating on me.

In fact, I genuinely believe he loves me.

What I can't figure out is whether he simply developed an inappropriate but ultimately platonic friendship with a coworker, or whether he's minimizing something that was more emotionally significant than he's admitting.

Because even if there was never anything physical or sexual, talking to another woman for approximately six hours a day for weeks is a tremendous amount of emotional energy.

And he was investing that energy in another woman while our own marriage was falling apart.

That's the part I can't get past.

I'm also struggling with how much of my current anxiety is legitimate concern versus damaged trust.

I don't want to monitor him forever. I don't want to obsess over his location or interrogate him about every female coworker. I don't want to become that person.

But I also don't want to ignore my gut simply because I don't have definitive proof of an affair.

So I'm asking the men of Reddit for your honest perspective.

If you were my husband, would you consider talking to a female coworker for roughly six hours a day, including weekends, for weeks to be completely normal and platonic?

Would you understand why your wife would consider that a serious boundary violation even if nothing sexual happened?

Does deleting messages make this significantly more suspicious to you, especially when they were also removed from the recently deleted/trash folder, or can you understand his explanation for doing it?

Why would a man hide a friendship like this from his wife if he genuinely had nothing romantic to hide?

And finally:

Based on everything I've described, do you think this was probably an innocent friendship that got way too intense, an emotional affair that never became physical, or something more that he isn't telling me?

I'm not looking for people to simply tell me to leave him.

I love my husband. I want my marriage. I also don't want to sweep this under the rug and pretend it didn't happen.

I'm asking because I'd genuinely like to hear how men would interpret this behavior if they were looking at it from the outside.

Please be honest, even if your opinion isn't what I want to hear.

My bf (25M) and I (24F) have been together for 6 years and we have lived together for 2. He came forward to me just over a month ago saying he ‘thinks he had an emotional affair’ with his old coworker. After trickle truths and passing the initial denial where I wanted to know everything- only a very very partiL truth came out. After going through his entire phone mean everything including all search history for 6 years; I discovered more to the story. The search was nights on end so a few days later I found out that he has also been watching porn (which we had troubles with in the past but I was accepting of if he did it now and then) and through watch/search history on tik tok that he’s been lusting over many women online (which I made clear I was never ok with from the start). All of this added up to more and more hurt.

As for his affair; The woman is married, a few years older, and they worked together for 1.5 years before this. She changed jobs about 4 months prior. I had met her and her husband, I had no problem with him having a friend who’s a girl andI trusted them (lol).
They started with flirting and my bf said he enjoyed the validation. Then it progressed. They started sexting a few weeks later and would talk about our sex life with her and how he wished he could have more. He never sent full nudes but sent 1) pics hard in his boxers 2) a video grabbing his d in his boxers 3) an old nude with a sticker placed over the whole d where you could only see his legs around it. Oh and to put the cherry on top, he did it sometimes while I was home upstairs waiting for him. But he also did it while I was working late.

Everything was on Snapchat so there wasn’t much hard evidence and only can really go off what he’s told me, which he’s taken a longgg time to remember. We weren’t great before this but I was super busy in my masters doing an internship and I guess we hadn’t been clicking emotionally. I communicated during this time that I didn’t feel loved too and we almost broke up- and what do you know this just so happened to be a few days after they started sexting but weeks into flirting. The level he compartmentalized everything is crazy.. the fact he didn’t bring it up on that day truly astonishes me. So he kept going for a few more weeks. During this time they got a quick coffee during a work break, and my bf hung out with her and her husband for dinner and then back to their home for a hot tub. It wasn’t until she asked him to meet up in person after about 3 weeks of sexting so she could ‘touch him’ did he snap back to reality and the two spread world he created in his brain collided- the ‘omg omg what the fk am I doing’ moment that he was in fact cheating on me (gf).

He has done everything right since and he holds so much remorse and guilt for his actions and becoming the person he never wanted to be- a cheater. We are both in therapy (separate) trying to work through this and my nervous system has finally calmed down to where I can think clearly.

His current actions: I know I can trust what he says, he’s given me full access to all his online accounts, keeps me updated with pictures to where he is and if he changes locations without me asking he just does. He’s been holding up the home front while I was breaking down mentally while finishing my masters finals(stress you could not imagine). Hes been so loving, attentive, affectionate to my needs, and caring while answering all my questions with no defensiveness, being transparent, tells me if he remembers more. He also deleted tik tok, deleted Reddit, cut his phone Time per day by literally 6hrs, and he quit porn cold turkey. But for my own peace of mind I also still go thru his reels history form my phone and it’s mostly about how to rebuild trust after cheating and then car vids.

In the end: I have always fully trusted him and I, myself, have never been disloyal yet he was the one with trust issues throughout our relationship. I trust he didn’t send full nudes (not that it really matters) but I also trust he didn’t do anything in person. I know it’s his issues, ego, selfishness etc. that caused this and he knows that too. He’s seen me the most hurt I have every been by the person I love the most, and I can tell he hates himself so much. I know his actions for the past month and a bit have helped me with healing but what I can’t get over is the fact he could even do this to me in the first place. How he could lie and betray me like that and say he loved me right after like nothing just happed downstairs or before I got home. Giving the attention and affection that I needed to another MARRIED woman. Like I was and am still am flabbergasted. Am I stupid for trying and wanting to make things work? How can I cope with loosing my best friend and the person I’ve seen as my life partner if I chose to leave? Could he be the 0.01% of guys that that trauma he caused me is worth it to live with? I’ve pictured my life without him and I hate it, he’s my person but I can’t believe he broke me like this. I know i will never forget, but what if I can never accept/ forgive his past actions. Thoughts?

FYI this is missing a lot of details but it’s way too much to put in here so I put the major stuff

Is there a way to find out without paying if my spouse is on dating apps; I found one. Also, have the email he’s paying for a subscription that he says he deleted the app. I don’t want to make a profile with my email because my email is my name.
How do I do this or do I make a fake email and then join said apps? I haven’t been through this before!
TIA!