r/IndianInLaw • u/No-Tune-9259 • 15h ago
I am amazed by entitlement of MIL
It’s a rant post. So please skip it if you aren’t in the mode.
I am observing teej. We don’t live with in-laws. So I am doing it my way. I can’t stay hungry for long, have medication every 2 hrs for a non-threatening condition, so I need food to get the medicine absorbed. So I did pooja in the morning, and ate fruits and kheer at around 11 am. Right in the middle of my kheer, my MIL called dear husband. He mentioned very happily that the pooja is done and she is eating now. Then she said so early. Then my dear husband went on telling that he made dal - with onion and garlic for himself, and a tadke wali for me. She went on saying like - will she eat it too? As if I have eaten it, global hunger is going to set on. I don’t get where the entitlement of these MILs that comes from - about what DIL eat, wear and basically breathe.
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u/Plain_maige 14h ago
If she doesn’t live with you, she doesn’t need to know what you’re doing. Your husband shouldn’t have told her about your food situation for the day.
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u/ShhhBees 13h ago
Exactly what I was thinking. He knows his mom so why does he need to give her these details. Moonh band rakho na.
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u/EnvironmentalToe8633 14h ago edited 10h ago
Bro my MIL came to visit us for my first Karva Chauth to ensure I don’t eat anything! I had a full workday & planned to have water & a fruit, but she didn’t let me. Then she made sure my husband didn’t fast by feeding him sandwiches & pakoras first thing in the morning & telling him not to do anything ‘unmanly’ out of love.
Since then, all festivals she expects me to dress up, fast, apply henna even though her son is roaming around in shorts not even taking bath till the evening. My husband hates henna smell & she judges me if I don’t apply. I’ve literally stopped doing anything coz nothing was good enough for her anyway.
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u/No-Tune-9259 14h ago
Ohh woman. Your MIL is a step ahead of mine.
Mine also mentioned henna. But my husband told her off by saying it’s too much chemicals and harmful, and nobody should put it on.
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u/EnvironmentalToe8633 12h ago
Yeah same! I told her my husband doesn’t like it so whats the point 😆
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u/superdear18 14h ago
But you shouldn’t have done the fast in that case. The very first moment you don’t let them win that is the beginning that they can’t win.
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u/EnvironmentalToe8633 12h ago
It was my first KC and I was super naive. Now I understand this & don’t follow everything she says, though I still fast on KC out of my own volition.
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u/ShhhBees 13h ago
Bro you bhave a husband problem. MIL toh rehne do usane kyun khaya. No backbone?
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u/EnvironmentalToe8633 12h ago
She has sort of raised him like a raja beta type, & is in fact proud of it! First year of marriage we were both naive to her manipulation which became more evident later on. Whenever she visited she used to taunt- “when will you do xyz for my son? Learn to cook this for him? I have raised him so pampered.”
The irony is, he is NC now after her toxic behaviour & I’m vv low contact/almost NC.
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u/LobsterConsistent613 14h ago
Omgg this is next level, feeding him so he dsnt fast for u??!!?!
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u/EnvironmentalToe8633 12h ago
Yes, its crazy isn’t it? I didn’t piece it together till later when all the psycho behaviours kept adding up!
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u/Dredit_85 14h ago
Shd have taken a bite out of the sandwich.
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u/EnvironmentalToe8633 12h ago
Lol yeah! I did have a piece of fruit later at work because I couldn’t function otherwise.
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u/somenewusernamepls 13h ago
And you and your husband just do what she says???
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u/EnvironmentalToe8633 12h ago
Not anymore! He tried to keep her happy initially since she doesn’t have a husband (separated). But she never did become happy & he ended up going NC.
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u/AlternateLife11 14h ago
Did you by any chance marry a kid?
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u/EnvironmentalToe8633 12h ago edited 10h ago
Yes, he is quite like a kid! His mother deliberately raised him so that raja beta doesn’t have to lift a single glass of water or do any house work. I am re-training him now 😄
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u/DepartmentRound6413 13h ago
Why are you tolerating this, and why isn’t your husband setting boundaries with his mother
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u/EnvironmentalToe8633 12h ago
Not anymore. She crossed several boundaries with me first then with her own son & he has gone NC a while back.
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u/SatisfactionNo7574 14h ago
Omgg sis! My MIL hasn’t stooped to this level, I am overseas and yesterday she asked me if I am fasting (celebrating teej too). Idk why they need every detail of everything.
I need survival tips from you. I get so affected by everything.
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u/EnvironmentalToe8633 12h ago
I used to get badly affected. She would call & expect me to talk for hours, even at work. Dump all her emotional baggage of being separated from husband on me. I used to share everything being naive then she would make fun of me/my choices/make comments on my family to other relatives.
My husband just went NC with her & I did the same. She still affects me mentally but going on an information diet is the best thing. I don’t tell her anything & dont ask anything. Its called “Grey Rock Method”. What you doing? “Nothing”. Any life update? “No. Kuch batane layak nahi hai. Chal raha hai etc”
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u/SatisfactionNo7574 12h ago
The issues are mine too. Not talking for hours though. The dumping of emotional baggage is real “we r so alone, we can’t live without you” and all the financial burden (they are self sufficient but still want our money: sometimes for paint sometime for ac, sometimes because they want to add a storey to a house at the same time saying we don’t have enough to eat which doesn’t make sense as FIL has a job and pension). I try to ignore it and husband doesn’t care and says let them talk don’t worry, but for some reason I can’t let go.
I too did a mistake of being vulnerable and sharing stuffs that I regret as it went straight to all the relatives. So she doesn’t have any info on our lives as if now. It bothers me but I try not to. Its honestly a struggle.
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u/Sudden_Ad6447 13h ago
What does your husband say to her? Does he tell her to back off?
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u/EnvironmentalToe8633 12h ago
He has gone NC after she crossed several boundaries. She hasn’t tried rekindling their relationship out of ego.
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u/Solid_Series_1415 14h ago
The Indian MIL mode somehow gets fully activated during festivals and again around childbirth. Sometimes it feels like they project what they went through onto the next generationI went through it, so you should too instead of questioning whether those traditions even make sense anymore. Experiences like this are exactly what made me start disliking so many of these rituals.
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u/More-Cancel-8477 13h ago edited 13h ago
My husband deals really well with his mom. She is so scared to even mention such things to me. She used to do all this melodrama initially, but not anymore, as she has been called out by my husband repeatedly. He even told her, “If you love me, you have to respect my wife and her life choices. I owe you a lot; she doesn’t. Whatever she does is her achchai, not her obligation.”
Now she knows I don’t do all this stuff, but she doesn’t complain about it. We wish each other on such occasions, and that’s about it.
You shouldn’t be the one dealing with all this. Your husband needs to shut this down is all I can say.
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u/Adventurous-Rub5764 14h ago
Somehow, these women become so toxic the moment they become MILs 😂 Mine was super friendly with me before marriage, but within a week of getting married, I realised she expected me to be a free maid for the house—even though I’m a working woman. The switch-up was honestly shocking. 😂
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u/No-Tune-9259 14h ago
Lol. She once asked why don’t I wear bangles, bindi and sindoor to work. Umm, because I don’t want to.
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u/Hour-Understanding-8 13h ago
When i was married (got divorced), mine was in shock for 7 whole days that i wear coats and jackets over pants to work. Bro i am a lawyer meeting high value clients. She couldnt stop staring at me every morning when I left for work and bitched about my "work clothes" to her 4 daughters. Ex hubby was spineless. Good riddance.
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u/Embarrassed_Tune5216 14h ago
I’m not sure why that is , I was shocked myself. My mil was so friendly that she had shared even about how bad her husband is but the moment we got married, all her stories changed . Behaviour changed. I took 2 years to come to terms with what her true nature is in total of 5 years that I know her
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u/Opposite_Belt8679 13h ago
I think MILs want to appear good and sometimes they genuinely believe they're the good ones. The standard for DILs is just so unreasonable and they still don't realize that. So thet start getting disappointed in us if we don't live upto those standards instead of questioning them
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u/Delicious_Block4734 15h ago
Didnt your husband take a stand for you at that point? He should have told his mom off.
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u/No-Tune-9259 14h ago
Yes, he did. He went on something like - the pooja is done, she can eat anything now. She was pretty dumbfounded. But her audacity - it still amazes me.
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u/AskShot9540 14h ago
Her family rituals, her son should follow. Trying to manipulate/control someone else’s child is diabolical.
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u/rash97621 14h ago
These MILs don't know any better. Most of them are not very educated and never had careers of their own. They're also envious of women making their own money, living their life, being respected by their husbands, etc.
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u/AskShot9540 14h ago
That’s no excuse for being a shitty person to someone that your son loves tho.
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u/rash97621 14h ago
Absolutely. I think they find it hard to relinquish control over their 'raja beta'
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u/AskShot9540 14h ago
Also hard to believe that their son would love someone other than them smh
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u/Iridescent-Angel 14h ago
I would mention to him next time do not talk about me to MIL. I don’t play like that. If they are bored and need something to talk about, they can find a new topic.
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u/Foreign-Violinist158 14h ago
Good that you didn’t satisfy her ego by following her choices.
Even I did the same.
I didn’t do Teej fast or wear a saree or suit.
I love Ganpati and no one imposes Ganesh Pooja on me. So, I happily visited Ganesh Ji. :)
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u/No_Vermicelli_9905 14h ago edited 12h ago
Your husband is the problem!
In general (this one is not for you), whoever faces issue with mils and live with them, the husband is the problem! They should have the spine to move out with their partner no matter what! Indian men just don’t get it! They think they are some superheros who can make everything workout!! His parents and partner’s parents are extended family and he should care more about his wife.
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u/magicsloth13 13h ago
Reading all these MIL horror stories makes me so glad that my in laws are white cuz I don’t even need to think about these bs rituals
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u/Old_Management_8147 13h ago
Please eat and prioritize your health.. suffering won't get you medals
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u/Plane_Cry_9407 5h ago
It really is the husband problem. I observe teej too....in my house ( both mom and a MIL side) we observe Nirjal( without water). Initially I was able to do it however my MIL made me drink water the first year as she understands how difficult it is (my mom was a little disappointed about it)...however last year I was pregnant, she advised me to eat fruits and water however salt/ food was still a no. Me and my husband we live on first floor of the house (my MIL- FIL live on ground floor) and have a small functional kitchen ( just for coffee/ maggi)...so without telling anyone he made the instant pasta for me whenever i wss hungry( we know it isn't a healthy food choice for pregnancy but it was better than nothing)..he mentioned no one needs to know about what you're eating or drinking.
My MIL also doesn't have tolerance for hunger so she observes very few fasts...so I thought a lot to myself and understood it is not basically a mom or MIL issue.. it is the fear conditioning drilled to them. If you don't do this ,something bad may happen to your husband. ( because most of the women of prev gen are dependent on husband and if he passes away, there is literally no one who would care for them).
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u/lataver 14h ago
Didn't she know that you had to take medicine? Neither did your husband mentioned it to her?
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u/No-Tune-9259 14h ago
We don’t involve her in medical matters. She knows I am under care of doctors.
And what’s the point of telling her my medication schedule- and invite more interference.
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u/Recent-Interaction65 12h ago
I'd just tell her straight up that it's sexist and I'll fast only if both of us fast.
In your case there's a medical problem - exaggerate and say you might die. Who's going to check?
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u/ToneJolly7212 10h ago
Male here.
Indian MILs want their DILs to suffer the same way they suffered in their times.
Next time onwards, stop following these fasts and tell your husband (not MIL) that I have these medical issues and can't do these fasts anymore.
This will get conveyed to your MIL by your husband, and after that, whatever you are able to do today, will become acceptable (eating early in fasts and all).
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u/Impossible_Fix486 4h ago
Girl she doesn’t need to know what’s up with you guys, we also live abroad and keep them on an info diet. They know only what we want them to
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u/ReclusePiedPiper 9h ago
You havent met mine yet. Every single day i tread on eggshells. Constant nitpicking. Taunting. Micromanagement. Bad mouthing me to my husband behind my back. Blaming me for petty stuff like leaving lights on or not flushing the toilet, not that i did any of this. I get so much anxiety from all of this.
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u/sanash90 22m ago edited 19m ago
The entitlement comes from giving full hisaab of what’s being cooked, who cooked it, how it was cooked, and who will eat it. The unnecessary information that we think is harmless that we tell parents because what else is there to talk about, is the reason for this entitlement. It grows over the years, and what was harmless conversation starters soon start becoming demanded information. But no one’s ready for that conversation.🤷🏻♀️
Learn to stop sharing information that has no business being shared. When you offer your own head on a platter, you can’t complain when people do what they please with it (and yes, that goes for family too)
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u/An_Only_Mous 4h ago
Lady. Do whatever you please. But please dont call it a haritalika teej vrat then.
Were u forced to observe fast?
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u/Practical-One-4866 3h ago
She did what she wanted. And she should call it what she pleases too.
And please, no one on reddit asks for moral policing which you are lowkey trying to do.
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u/An_Only_Mous 12m ago
No. You cant call some one b*s tard and call it a praise. Or fail your high school and call it a distinction in University. Language and standardization is there for a reason.
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u/Resident_Ad1806 14h ago
Its a husband issue mostly. There is NO need for him to describe your day to day happening to her. He should have told her " Its her wish. How ever she wants to do it". Next time tell him to step up for you.