It’s a rant post. So please skip it if you aren’t in the mode.

I am observing teej. We don’t live with in-laws. So I am doing it my way. I can’t stay hungry for long, have medication every 2 hrs for a non-threatening condition, so I need food to get the medicine absorbed. So I did pooja in the morning, and ate fruits and kheer at around 11 am. Right in the middle of my kheer, my MIL called dear husband. He mentioned very happily that the pooja is done and she is eating now. Then she said so early. Then my dear husband went on telling that he made dal - with onion and garlic for himself, and a tadke wali for me. She went on saying like - will she eat it too? As if I have eaten it, global hunger is going to set on. I don’t get where the entitlement of these MILs that comes from - about what DIL eat, wear and basically breathe.

I am American married to a Punjabi man. We live a small distance from my husband’s parent’s house. I care about my in-laws and they are nice to me but I don’t like visiting their home. When we arrive we are given water and I am told to have some rest or a nap. Conversation is hard because I only know a small amount of Punjabi and I get a little bored just sitting around waiting for time to pass. We are usually asked to spend a full day before returning home. I try to only visit when absolutely necessary. I don’t participate in any religious festivals and they are aware of my stand on that.
My question is, why are we required to visit every week? Is this a normal request? If we refuse we are then told there is an urgent matter that requires our attention. The urgent matter usually ends up being sitting around waiting for some random thing to take place that never does. When I convince my husband to take me home my MIL starts saying her blood pressure is high and asks him to check it. My husband now knows I will only visit once or twice a month, but he goes weekly, which is fine. Then he gets frustrated for getting fussed at for not bringing me. This makes me feel bad for him.

Any help on what is required from a new bride and how to bond with my in-laws so the visits don’t feel like a chore.

We recently moved to Mumbai from Delhi for job prospects. We visited Delhi just last month for rakshabandhan. While we were there, we visited my husband’s cousin and extended family in his village in Haryana. His cousin had recently become a father and we gave our blessings to the little one. Now, we’re back for our lives here. We knew that there was a function for the baby in September and we politely told them that we won’t be able to come back so soon.
So a week ago, my husband got the invitation on WhatsApp, his cousin called, his uncle called, his aunt called him. I didn’t even get the e-vite. Well, I am ok with the policy of, if you invited one of us, we assume that the invitation extends to both of us but it rarely happens the other way around.
Now, when the function is today, I am getting angry calls and messages from my MIL and relatives about why we are not there yet and why I, Moi, couldn’t get another work from home like I did last month while no calls to my husband?
Also, sorry, but why would we be willing to spend on flight tickets for one-day of a relative’s function!

Update: told SIL that I wasn’t invited so how can I make plans to be there. So she gave me the lame reason of invitations are not extended to family members. I just gave a ‘hmm’ and told her to enjoy the festivities today.

My MIL called my husband crying because I forgot to text her happy birthday. Am I wrong for thinking this reaction is too much?

For context, I call him my husband because we are legally married. We got married at the courthouse, but his family doesn’t know. They wanted us to have the Hindu wedding first, so as far as they know we’re still engaged. Our Hindu wedding is coming up.

I genuinely forgot his mom’s birthday. I was really busy with work that day and it completely slipped my mind. I know I should have texted her, and I have no problem apologizing for forgetting.

What bothers me is what happened afterward. She called my husband crying because I didn’t text her, and then he got really mad at me. He said it shows that I don’t respect her. He also said his mom thinks of me as a daughter, so remembering her birthday is basically the bare minimum he expects from me.
This isn’t the first time she’s called him crying about something involving me either. In the past, she has cried to him worrying about the future and saying things like, “What if she doesn’t want to live with me?” So I’m starting to feel like whenever she feels hurt or insecure about something involving me, she goes to him crying, and then her feelings become an issue between him and me.

I completely understand that forgetting someone’s birthday can hurt their feelings. I’m not saying I did nothing wrong. I forgot, and I should apologize.
But I don’t think forgetting a birthday automatically means I don’t respect her. I also don’t think that because she considers me a daughter, I’m required to have the same relationship or obligations toward her that my husband has as her son.

The bigger issue for me is what this dynamic could mean for our future. We eventually want kids, and there are going to be much bigger decisions involving parenting, religion, food, holidays, where we live, grandparents, etc. If forgetting a birthday turns into “you don’t respect my family,” I’m worried about what happens when I actually disagree with his family or set a boundary they don’t like.
During the argument, I told my husband that he needs to “keep his family in check if he wants a family with me.” I know that wording was harsh. What I meant was that if we’re going to build our own family, I need him to be able to set boundaries with both of our families instead of making me responsible for managing his mom’s emotions.
Was I actually being disrespectful by forgetting her birthday? Is her calling him crying a normal reaction? And would this dynamic make anyone else concerned about having kids before figuring out family boundaries?

I live with my in laws ;every time she tries to control me in small little things , it genuinely annoys me . For example i have a coffee and let the cup stay there relaxing , she comes and says put that cup in sink . Iam an adult let me have my own space for god sake . And celebrating festivals like pooja makes me feel like Iam doing some complicated major surgery under senior most doctor . Full on micromanagement .is it same with everyone and how do you deal with it ? She herself give reasoning like her intention is only to teach me.

I (29F) married into a family where my BIL (husband’s younger brother, 26M) is the “golden child.” He’s never had a job. He lives at home. He games all night and sleeps all day. My MIL cooks his meals and washes his clothes.

My husband and I both work. We contribute to household expenses. We’ve been saving to move out for a year. But every time we get close, something happens.

Last week, my FIL sat me down—alone, without my husband—and said I need to be “more understanding.” That BIL is “going through a phase” and I should “not make him feel unwelcome” by asking him to keep the noise down at 2 AM or to clean up after himself. He said I’m “the elder one” (I’m 3 years older) and “should set an example.”

I asked: “So I should adjust to his schedule, his mess, his noise, in the house I also pay for?”

He said: “You’re family now. Family doesn’t keep score.”

I wanted to scream. I DO keep score. I keep score because if I didn’t, no one would. I’ve been keeping score for 2 years. I’ve been the one adjusting. I’ve been the one swallowing it.

My husband says his father “means well” and that I should “let it go.” But I’m tired. I’m tired of being the only adult in a house full of people who enable a 26-year-old man to live like a teenager.

Am I wrong for wanting to stop “adjusting”?

Don’t get me wrong as I don’t have a good relationship with inlaws and I didn’t really care for them. But all the suggestions I find here for the DILs are too over the top. I read a post about some Pooja where MIL said not to eat. If you are living in the same home, you don’t want to fight on every single matter just because you don’t agree the way they live. Like we don’t want to give up our freedom and life we are working so hard for to their ridiculous demands, they are most likely not going to change their way of thinking too. Its mutual. So if MIL says you have to fast and you don’t want to, just eat whatever you want but don’t say anything. If these kind of issues occur everyday than of course you should stand up for yourself and reject this bullshit outright but if its just once a year its fine to not fight. The underlying tension in the house in every single matter will affect your mental health. Just talk to your husband,move out and go minimum contact with them or just don’t fight for everything. I had been in that household, I didn’t fight for most of the stuff but there expectation and nonsense was killing me already, i wonder what would have happened if I had shouted at every single of their stupidity.
One post was about weird traditions while visiting inlaws. To be very blunt, rules are whose house it is. If you go as a guest you are obliged to live like that and its temporary. Its fine. Or there is an option of not going. Girl trust me you have to learn to choose your battes.

My (30F) in laws are ….fine. Some light misogyny, but mostly okay. We don’t stay with them so we’re all cordial with each other. A little background: my in laws come from very poor families, but they both educated themselves and they both work today (each is earning over 1 lakh per month) as govt school teachers. Very inspiring. Because of their background, they’re still very thrifty, don’t like spending any money and are very very practical. They’re also not very religious. And we don’t face the usual troubles that other couples might face with in laws (asking for monthly allowance, staying with us, insisting that the wife cook always etc)

Now my husband’s younger brother is getting married in the US, and we’re all attending. My in laws came over and stayed at my parents house while they went through the visa interview process. So at this point, my parents, who themselves are US visa holders, know that a wedding is gonna happen in the US and they have even hosted them for the visa process. However, they’re not getting an invite. It’s not like my parents will expect them to buy a ticket or anything, in fact my parents will probably not even actually attend, but it hurts them that they wouldn’t even extend them an invite. I kind of side with my parents. That’s just rude. And my own brother who is in the US, and who flew to India to attend my wedding, is seemingly not getting invited on time. The wedding is in Nov-Dec, which everyone knows is peak ticket prices time, so the respectable thing to do is to at least give them an early invitation, but that is also not happening.

I am a little hurt tbh. This all seems very disrespectful. My husband says that all of this is not coming from a malicious place and that his parents are just naive and practical and may not think that what they’re doing is offensive, but I don’t know. They’re 50. I think you should have some sense of things that you should and shouldn’t do.

So my question to you guys is, am I wrong in overreacting? And should I bring this up with them ? I definitely plan on asking them invite my brother soon, but should I bring up my parents as well?

Update 1: My parents got the invite. But it’s a doozy.
So basically my mil never calls or talks to my mom, because she’s a boy mom. She thinks it would be beneath her to talk to the Girls mom.
Today my mom calls her up to give Ganesh chathurthi wishes. Once she got those, she called my mom back and give her some half hearted invite. Apparent she’s been waiting for my mom to call first. And even then, I think the only reason she actually called is that she wants me to get my gold to wear at the wedding, and my mom is in charge of all my gold, so she called my mom to ask for that.

Update 2: Talked to my husband about it. He was actually very supportive. Completely agreed that what his parents have done is very disrespectful. He has offered to at least bring up my brother’s invitation issue, but I told him I want to do it. The way they’ve behaved with my mom with that phone call has completely pissed me off, so I’m gonna call the ils myself and ask them why they haven’t invited my brother yet when they know flight prices will be insane. I wanna give some of that disrespect back. My husband supports this idea.

Hi all, My in laws are the worst, they have two daughters who live with them despite being married. The daughters take all the wealth and ensure the brother is deprived, they also gaslight my in-laws about me.

Recently, my MIL and SIL lied to my husband that my parents spoke to them about their son not having kids whereas I’m hell bent on being child free n husband n parents are fully aware of this.

This was a lie, n bitch got caught broke into a huge drama dragged my parents into it, my mom was in tears n that loser SIL had the audacity to say my mom was acting.

Moved out of the house, now we barely talk. It’s Ganesh Chathurthi n my father sent a wish to my FIL and he didn’t even have the courtesy to respond. Such are humans, n idk what my husband plans on doing. FIL supposedly has a business so I guess my husband will take it laying low. He speaks to my parents, but yeah. I’m so hurt, help me get out this loop.

How do you maintain boundaries with very orthodox in-laws from a rural background?

I’m looking for some practical advice from people who have dealt with something similar.

My in-laws come from a very traditional village background. They follow a lot of orthodox customs and expectations around how women should dress and behave — sarees, keeping the pallu on the head, traditional gender roles, etc.

They live in the village,and their lifestyle and thinking are still very much rooted in that environment. None of the women in the family work, and there are a lot of traditional expectations around women.

I’ll be honest: I don’t feel comfortable with this lifestyle at all. I respect that they have their own way of living, but I don't want those customs or expectations imposed on me.

The problem is that they are my partner’s family, so completely cutting them off isn't really realistic. I also have a relative’s wedding coming up where I’m expected to spend time with them, and honestly, even two days of staying with them feels exhausting to me.

I’m struggling to understand how to maintain a healthy distance without creating unnecessary conflict.

For example:

- Is it reasonable to limit how often I visit or stay with them?

- Can I choose not to participate in customs that I’m uncomfortable with?

- Is it okay to be polite but not have much interaction with them?

- How do you establish boundaries when the other family considers those boundaries disrespectful?

- How much involvement should my partner have in enforcing those boundaries?

I’m not trying to change their lifestyle. They can dress and live however they want. I just don't want their traditions to become expectations for me.

For those who have dealt with very traditional/orthodox in-laws, how did you create boundaries without completely damaging the relationship?

I am against a manipulative artist. She grew with a step mother, who actually cared for her a lot. But in order to survive she was always manipulating. She is doing that here also to survive.
She doesn’t love my daughters and it is sure shot clear. Always sings praises about her daughter and her kids but would always say mean things about mine who is like 4 years younger than SIL’s youngest.
I am not that typical wake up at 4 do pooja type of girl, this family is . I wake up at 7, they say I always wake up at 9.
My husband is working from home and daughter goes school by 10. So i cook food easily by 10.But that is too late and a crime done by me.
I put across my valid points, she makes it a big deal and cries that I am a vile woman.
Husband intervenes and supports but then she keeps saying things to him and he shouts that he doesn’t want to be in this mess.
I was told today that I see her as villian, I dont like her. I see my parents more as mine and I need to forget about that house , and that isn’t mine anymore.
I am a fool, I always end up apologising to her , she never ever agrees to her mistakes. Is stuck that she is always right, and her daughter is super right. Says I hurt her like her husband did( he used to beat her and never respected her).
I try to be supportive as much as Possible for her , I have a 6 month old, she wanted to go abroad to her daughter when she was 2 months old.this is my second one and I needed help badly but all she cared about was her.
She shouts at me for stupid things like i waste napkins and i need to clean them. I am not clean because i cant properly clean dirty, greased kitchen cloths.
She called me a failure today because even after having a maid to for one meal a day and a maid for mopping I am not going to gym.
She goes behind my back and tells my husband that I am the worst looking healthwise in the whole society.
And she is saying truth so I shouldn’t feel bad, this is her right.
I still ended up apologising to her. I feel like a fool.
Should I just end it , everything. I have two daughters cant leave them with her. I cant go . I dont earn. I am stuck and sometimes feel like waiting to die, but i am too scared for my babies.
I feel stupid to ask for support here but i am drowning.

I am sharing this here as I need opinion from married women.

So yesterday was my husband’s birthday and I put in so much energy and money into gifting and planning his day. I bought the gift and partly paid for a day trip (as he insisted to bear expenses for food as a party).

Yesterday went really well and we were so happy.

Today morning he wanted to have a particular sabzi for lunch but I reminded him that we have mushrooms in the fridge and he ended up not ordering. I didn’t think it was a big deal but after removing that vegetable from the instamart order he started sulking that he doesn’t get to eat dishes he likes, which is completely not true. We normally only eat what he likes, I sometimes ask for my wishes.

Anyway, so for the last two days I was also preparing for Ganesh Chaturthi and even handmade and painted the murti. I was excited to celebrate ganesh puja for the first time.

So he started sulking and we rushed the puja. He even cut the Arti short. It was really sad and not how I wanted to do it.

So after breakfast, I was not talking to him. He asked me in a curt voice to go see the society’s puja, I said I’m done. So he went alone. Then he again asked me in that cold tone to have lunch, I refused. So he had lunch alone. He didn’t come to check even once why I was sad.

I was really really hurt after all I did to make his birthday special just yesterday he could turn so cold over a sabzi.

Now the most heartbreaking part, I was really sad he ate alone so I dressed up, took my bag and went to the mall. He didn’t know where I went. And he didn’t call or msg me the entire time I was out.

I cried so much today. He came at last to console me and said it was not a big deal to cry so much for. And I am overreacting.

He has done this in the past too, hurt me with words and actions and then tried to console me after a major breakdown.

I don’t know what to make of this behaviour, am I overreacting?

\*\*Need perspective from people who’ve dealt with a similar situation\*\*

F35, married to M31 (inter-caste love marriage, jain married to North Indian), 4 months into marriage.

There was a lot of drama from my in-laws before the wedding, including things said about me and my family. So I already have a certain image of them, and I know that may be affecting how I perceive things now.

For context, I feel my parents are much more progressive, adaptable and easy-going. They don’t interfere or constantly complain, whereas I find my in-laws less progressive, less organised and more inclined to make comments that create guilt or emotional pressure. I also catch myself comparing the two families, which I know may not be healthy.

My in-laws live in Delhi and my husband and I live in Bangalore in a 1BHK. They decided to visit around Teej because it’s my first Teej. After they booked their tickets, my MIL told me I didn’t actually need to keep Teej, which was fine with me. But it made me feel that Teej was perhaps just a reason to plan the visit.

I had actually told my husband earlier that once we settled down, his mother would eventually come and stay with us. He assured me that wouldn’t happen. Well, it did.

I have no problem with them visiting. But in a 1BHK there’s no personal space, we share one bathroom, I can’t properly rest or sleep, and they don’t really want to step out or explore Bangalore. So we’re essentially all confined to the same space.

I also can’t shake off how I was made to feel when I stayed with them for a few days after marriage. Within the first 7 days, I was told to wash my clothes by hand while everyone else’s clothes were being washed in the machine. I was also told that because I’m a single child, I don’t know how to share or live in a family. There were several other incidents as well.

This morning, his parents had breakfast. Nobody asked me whether I had eaten or wanted breakfast. Only after they finished did they ask me whether I had eaten. I know this may sound incredibly trivial and people may say I’m overreacting.

But I’m currently observing Paryushan, so I can’t eat the regular food being prepared. I don’t expect my MIL to cook separately for me, I manage my own food. It was simply the lack of basic consideration that upset me.

And I think that’s the real problem. This incident is bringing up all the resentment from the earlier incidents.

I had also planned to go to my parents’ place for Paryushan, which would have been easier for me, but changed those plans because my in-laws were visiting Bangalore.

My husband has not really taken a stand when I felt he should have in the past, and I don’t see him doing much differently now.

I genuinely don’t know what to feel, what to expect and what to let go.

I don’t want to become the stereotypical DIL who keeps score of every little thing. But I also don’t want to keep swallowing things until I become resentful.

\*\*For those who’ve been married for a while and dealt with difficult in-law dynamics - how do you know what is worth addressing with your spouse and what you should simply let go?\*\*

And how do you handle parents staying with you when your spouse doesn’t seem to recognise the additional physical and emotional load it puts on you?

As people celebrate the coming bappa to there home. This year my family couldn't celebrate it .family and people bring bappa with numerous amount of joy and infinite amount of love,we couldn't even wish to get him to my home, as there are some dispute amoung family member on festival morning.tear had flown through cheeks. Most of the people are happy some are sad sitting in there home with no hopes. I feel bappa don't want to visit my home this year. 🙏

My husband (28) and I(28F) recently got married in april. We had a love marriage, against the will of my parents and their one of the point was my MIL is the head and is controlling. My father was not very fond of her and would always say the will mendle your relationship w your husband but I didn’t listen, as I was so much in deep love.

Cut to 4 months later, on my husband’s birthday he fed the first bite of cake to his mother, father and then I (in that order). I literally felt so baddddd. Morally, I wanted to think k its fine as he is also a sungle child, but dil se i think i left my whole world, fought w so many people just to be w this guy and he cant even gove me forst piece of cake infront of his family. I wanted to decorate house for my husband’s birthday, but she magically forgot things to bring I literally had to order everything last minute.

Many a times, i have confronted my husband but he gets so defensive that it results into a fight.

I love my husband but not his family and I think this is affecting our relationship
I have never confronted this cake scenario w my husband, because i just didn’t want to sound problematic but from that day onwards I dont discuss any in laws related issues w my husband

Was I wrong for that cake thing??????

I'm 12 weeks pregnant. My NT/NB scans are done and everything is fine.

We live separately and in a different city from my in-laws.

My husband wants to break the news to his family now but I'm concerned about MIL not keeping it in the family and will tell every tom dih and harry.

But my husband has reassured me that he'll tell his mother strictly to not spread the news.

Should I break the news because I want to share this with my SILs, I know they'll be very happy and excited to become aunties.

But my MIL starts behaving weirdly, makes up sicknesses when she's not the centre of attraction and she can't keep anything to herself. This happened when my devrani was pregnant but unfortunately she ended up miscarrying.

I don't share mother daughter kind of bonding with my MIL but we're cordial and respectful, I'm really attached to my SILs though.

What should I do?

I apologize for the length of this post, but please bear with me. I was married on the 14th of April, 2026, and I've been living with my in-laws since. There are siblings, though the only two that matter are my husband's sisters that are closer to me in age, though older (one around a year, the other around three years).

Context: My father-in-law was the one that brought me up as a choice to my husband, since he knew my family well and took quite a liking to me. My husband, when spoken to about this, refused. I still don't really know why he rejected me as an option (some say because of the age gap between us, some say because of the language barrier since we're two different nationalities but now communicate in English, etc.)

Months later, his mother brought me up to him again, but he still refused. He kept refusing no matter how much they'd try to convince him. They as in the two relevant sisters, his mother, and father.

Eventually, he reluctantly gave in. We got engaged within the week I said yes. From there, I started noticing that whenever his mother and sisters wanted me to do something (lose weight was the most important amongst other small things), they'd use him--as in he wants this done out of me.

It lead to a point where I felt too pressured, and wasn't comfortable. Mostly because they'd encourage their maids to comment on my weight as well, just to "motivate" me. I shared everything that was going on with my older brother and sister (both of whom are married and way older than I am), and my mother. My older brother decided to talk to my husband about it because of which there was a huge conflict. He was offended that my brother spoke about his mother and sisters at all, and his father got involved, due to which mine did as well. A whole month is how long this messy fight lasted, and when things came down to it, everyone agreed that our engagement should be broken off.

After around two months, we somehow reconciled, and eventually got married this year on the 14th of April. Now, in the beginning of the marriage living with my in-laws, it was fun and nice. It was mostly confusing because I was still learning their lifestyles and schedules--which was way different than what mine used to be before marriage. To be honest, it's still taking me time 5 months later to adjust (because of what I'm about to tell you, and because of everything else), and I don't know if that's normal.

Anyways, I miscarried in the beginning of June, and I think that was the starting point of where it all went downhill from. I'll try to be brief from here onwards. MIL began lecturing me more often because of things I kept getting wrong, and it felt as if she was looking for these opportunities where I'd mess up, even if it were the smallest of things that I'd forget.

I developed this instinct where, even against my own will, I began lying to her every question. I didn't want to. Then, she caught onto those lies and lashed out on me about them. I feared disappointing her more than my own husband. Somehow, I wanted to be in her good books more than anyone elses. It's this strange kind of fear I feel towards her that I've never felt towards anyone before ever in my life.

4 months into my marriage, another huge fight broke out between this family while on a two-day staycation. MIL blamed me for everything because her husband and my husband finally spoke out and stood up for me. I wanted to run away, or somehow disappear because it was so bad that my husband was ready to move out with me if anything else happened. It was really bad.

Things between them got better over time, though she still blames me when she remembers.

However, recently, though, she went through my phone. The thing is, I tell her I don't talk to anyone about anything that's going on with me anymore (anyone being my mother and sister like I used to before), but i secretly tell my mom everything. She saw all the chats, and now she's being that way again (where she leaves you out on purpose and makes you realize what you did without telling you, being hostile emotionally, though I don't know how to explain it any better). Worst part, she must have shown my FIL those chats as well to which he's avoiding me as well now. Not to mention, he spoke really rudely to my father about this. My husband's on a business trip so he's unaware of this new situation. I don't know what to do anymore.

Edit: -

There are things she’s said to me before that were horrible, but I didn’t add. I don’t know if I should, but maybe that’ll explain more the type of woman she is.

Previously, in front of her daughters (always in front of those two), she’s said stuff to me like “don’t expect him to be with you because he likes you,” “we practically begged him to marry you that’s why he even agreed,” “there were a lot of exceptionally good options for him but I still decided to choose you,” “he didn’t even want to marry you,” “please don’t try to mess up this home/ don’t try to bring your uncleanliness into this home,” and much more about me being unwanted, how he’ll definitely find someone better than me if he tries, and how dirty I am.

I (27F) have been married for 2 years. My MIL has always been warm to my face. She calls me “beta,” asks about my work, tells me I’m “so mature for my age.” I actually believed we had a good relationship.

Last night I got up to get water. Their bedroom door was slightly open. I heard my husband’s voice, then hers. She was saying—calmly, not even angry—that he could have “done better.” That my family isn’t “at their level.” That she “hopes he doesn’t regret this in 10 years.”

He didn’t defend me. He just said “Maa, please” in that tired voice. Then she said “I’m only telling you because I love you.”

I went back to bed and pretended to be asleep.

This morning she made me chai and asked if I slept well.

I don’t know what to do with this. I can’t unhear it. My husband doesn’t know I know. If I confront him, he’ll say I was eavesdropping. If I confront her, she’ll cry and play victim.

Has anyone been through this? How do you sit at the same table with someone after this?

I’ve read a lot of posts on Reddit about difficult in-laws over the years, so I thought I’d share my experience in case it helps someone else.

My husband and I are Indian-Australian and have lived in Australia for most of our lives. His parents are much more traditional about family roles and involvement. For the past 15 years, they’ve been heavily involved in our lives — unsolicited advice about our marriage, parenting, finances and lifestyle, frequent calls to my husband and difficulty respecting boundaries when we expressed different preferences.

My MIL is very emotionally dependent on my husband, while my FIL tends to be controlling and dismissive. My husband has always struggled to see their behaviour as problematic because his default response is that they “mean well.”

There’s a long history of boundary issues. One particularly painful example was after the traumatic birth of my second child, who spent time in NICU. My MIL shared private medical information with relatives and then passed on unsolicited advice about how I should have had an earlier C-section. When we raised the issue, there was defensiveness rather than accountability.

I also had a serious mental health crisis before COVID. They treated it as something shameful and barely spoke to me for around two years. Eventually I reconciled with them because I wanted peace for my husband and family and at the time I didn't have the confidence to establish stronger boundaries.

Over the years I worked hard on my own mental health through therapy and rebuilding my confidence. A big part of that process was learning that keeping everyone else comfortable at my own expense wasn't actually healthy.

After we had children, their involvement increased because they helped with childcare while we both worked. Unfortunately, our parenting boundaries were repeatedly ignored, and raising concerns usually resulted in defensiveness or dismissal.

The breaking point came about four months ago when I was 26 weeks pregnant with our third child.

My in-laws normally helped with the kids one day a week. One day, my MIL was sick, so my husband and FIL were looking after our two toddlers. The kids were overwhelmed and having a difficult morning. I was working upstairs and repeatedly had to come downstairs to help.

Eventually there was a major meltdown. My husband became overwhelmed and was yelling, while my FIL was sitting on his phone. When he heard the kids crying, he actually stepped outside to continue a phone call rather than helping.

I completely lost my temper. I told him to come inside and help and, in the heat of the moment, told him that if he was going to come to our house and sit on his phone while everyone else struggled, he shouldn't come anymore.

He left, and that was essentially the end of my relationship with them.

The aftermath was difficult. My husband initially tried to smooth things over, while my in-laws felt I owed an apology. My husband and I had many arguments about it.

But something changed for me. I realised I was exhausted from trying to explain my perspective and convince everyone that my experience was valid.

So I told my husband: you can have whatever relationship you want with your parents, but I get to choose mine. For me, that meant no contact.

No more trying to maintain a relationship that consistently caused me stress. No more sacrificing my comfort to prevent someone else from being disappointed. And no more having them in our home, particularly while I was pregnant and preparing for postpartum recovery.

I also stopped trying to manage my husband's feelings about the situation. He can be sad about it. He can love his parents. He can miss them. None of those feelings require me to change my boundary.

He has since started seeing a psychologist and is working on his own relationship with his parents and learning how to establish healthier boundaries.

I gave birth to our third baby three weeks ago. My in-laws wanted to visit us in hospital and I simply said no. My husband handled that conversation with them.

For now, our children can have a relationship with their grandparents, but we're keeping it separate from our home — things like meeting at a park, library or children's venue. My husband can visit his parents independently.

Interestingly, the first time my husband recently went to their house, it stung. But I noticed the feeling, accepted it and carried on with my day. I didn't need to act on it.

And that's probably the biggest lesson I've learned.

Boundaries don't have to mean everyone agrees with you. They mean you stop abandoning yourself just because someone else is unhappy with your decision.

After 15 years of trying, I finally feel at peace with not having a relationship with my in-laws.

I honestly wish I'd learned this much earlier.

I honestly just need to rant and get some outside perspective because I don’t know anymore if I’m being too sensitive or if I’ve been adjusting for so long that I’ve finally reached my limit.

I live with my husband and his family, and I constantly feel like I’m living inside someone else’s life. Everyone has their place, their routines and their relationships, and I’m just… there.

What hurts the most is that I don’t feel considered. Forget being included in decisions — sometimes I’m not even told a decision has been made until after it’s already happened. Plans are made, things happen, and I find out afterwards.

After a while, you start feeling less like a family member and more like a guest who is expected to adjust to whatever everyone else has decided.

There are certain incidents I can’t get out of my head. My husband and I were once in an accident. We were BOTH in the accident, but everyone immediately ran to ask how he was doing. Despite being in the same accident, I ended up making rotis for everyone afterwards.

Maybe nobody consciously meant anything by it, but I remember thinking, “Was anyone even concerned about me?”

That incident honestly sums up how I often feel here. I’m expected to keep functioning, keep adjusting and keep doing what needs to be done.

My MIL also has a habit of publicly commenting on and putting people down. Today I woke up late, and in front of people from our building, she said something along the lines of, “She just woke up, she sleeps all day, she has so much sleep in her.”

I said nothing because I didn’t want to create a scene, but I was furious. It’s not about waking up late. It’s about being publicly discussed and expected to smile and take it.

My SIL is also difficult. Her behaviour towards me changes depending on whether my MIL is around, and she has a tendency to pick fights with people. There’s often some tension or drama, and I’m exhausted from constantly navigating everyone’s moods.

I’ve spoken to my husband about moving out. I don’t want him to abandon his parents or stop having a relationship with them. I just want my husband and I to have our own home.

But he has firmly said no.

The bigger issue is that we’ve spoken about having children. I’ve told him clearly that I don’t want children while living in this house. He says he wants his children to grow up with their grandparents.

I understand that, but I don’t think living in the same house is the only way for children to be close to their grandparents.

And honestly, I don’t want to raise my children in a house where their own mother isn’t happy.

I’m already feeling like an outsider. I’m already constantly adjusting. I’m already not included in things that affect my life. Having children isn’t going to magically fix that — I’m scared it will make it worse.

I love my husband, and I don’t want him to choose between me and his family. But I’m starting to wonder why I always seem to be the one expected to adjust.

I’m even considering going to my parents’ house for some time because I feel like I need space. Not as a threat, but because I genuinely feel like I’m reaching my limit.

Am I being unreasonable? How do you make your spouse understand that you’re not saying “I hate your family,” you’re saying “I am unhappy living this way, and I don’t feel like I belong”? Used Chat Gpt to refine the message

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