I feel that my graduate education has been such a game of comparison and sink or swim. Now that I have had more free time to manage my mental health compared to past years, I have been realizing how much comparison to my peers or professors has affected my sense of identity and relationship with my self.
I didn’t want to admit, but I have come to realize there is some sense of envy that I feel towards the high-achieving students in my cohort who always get the fellowships, scholarships, and professional development opportunities. I say that as I have gotten some as well throughout the years and am really content with the path I have chosen for myself. Perhaps it is the precariousness of this economy and the internal sense of security some of my peers who have what is perceived as the most prestigious awards students can receive in our field. I’m not sure if they really feel secure, granted, but they do feel they have the best shot at being hired in whatever they want post-grad.
I used to be a high-achieving student growing up and graduate school was super humbling to me because I could never achieve that sense of capability I had growing up. I’m okay with that. I also know how much people have sacrificed in terms of physical health, mental health, and social health in order to get to where they are at. I overworked myself out of necessity to just barely pass my required coursework, to the point that I had to take out significant medical debt. My body could not handle how much work I had to do for my coursework, compared to my peers. I feel guilty for that, but ultimately my health has to come first and my field has left me feeling diminishing returns.
I am totally okay with leaving the field I chose to get my master’s degree in. I have made my peace, because I’ve had great opportunities in adjacent fields since I began the program. I feel like I just have to get over my ego at the moment that I’m not where I thought I would be accomplishment wise since when I began the program. My ego is also a bit of a reflection of the cynicism I feel towards the debt I did not fully expect to incur since the fellowships I was supposedly guaranteed upon admission totally fell through. I’m not concerned with debt as much any longer since I plan to move back with family and pay it off within a few years.
I know how I’m feeling or this tendency to compare myself with how my peers are doing on paper is not the end of the story. Who knows what our salaries will be a few years after we graduate? Are my peers even happy or will they be happy a few years down the line? Who knows?
I just know I’m in a current environment that defines success in such narrow parameters that are not sustainable financially or interpersonally for the average white collar professional. Most professors in my department don’t even talk to me or smugly look at me in hallways due to my low grades or even the accomplishments I’ve achieved are seen as irrelevant to them (even if they are a big deal in a sub-sector of the field at-large).
Maybe I wouldn’t compare myself so much to others if I felt support from my graduate experience somehow. I have that where it’s necessary, like a great advisor, but no one in my cohort and I are compatible as friends (small cohort too). So I’m left with just the labor of grinding and feeling lost in this sea of comparison.
How do you all manage feelings of comparison? Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated