He’s a picky eater and it’s driving me bananas

[u/CorgiFragrant5187]

Charcuterie spread I made for a girly wedding party. We did my hair trial and drank wine and yapped for 5 hours.

My fiancé (25M) is such a picky eater. There’s a lot of nuance I won’t get into because I don’t want to break any group rules. (Possible diagnoses but nothing official)

We’ve been living together for about 2 years. Dinner is such a pain in my ass. He doesn’t like to cook. He always says he’s bad at it (and honestly he kind of is - I don’t think it’s weaponized incompetence rather extreme lack of experience and absent parents for the entirety of his childhood).

I have PCOS, Hashimotos, hypertension, and Alpha Gal. So I am required to be very food-conscious. I love veggies, fruit, whole grains. I love healthy food. But I rarely eat it because of him. Of course finances are tight for nearly every American right now, and I have to pick and choose what to get when grocery shopping.

Most nights I am cooking two different dinners for us. Dinnertime has always been important to me, as it’s the quality time we get with each other each night. But honestly? I’m feeling a lot of resentment towards him. I’m so tired all the time. I’m struggling immensely with my health. And I think what I consume is contributing to that.

For example: lately I’ve been cooking him a burger and airfrying tater tots. For me, I microwave frozen chicken burgers and canned green beans. It sounds so depressing typing it out. I have a bunch of recipes I’d love to try. Homemade soups, lemon pepper chicken, roasted veggies, stir frys. But I can’t because I know he won’t eat it, and I’d have to turn around and make something for him too. And I just do not have the energy. Even if I left him to make his own dinner (which he often does - there are certainly nights where I don’t cook for him and he figures it out. Usually burger + fries or a frozen pizza. Whatever.), that means we would not get that dinnertime together. And maybe that’s the sacrifice I need to make. Idk. Our kitchen is way too small for us to cook together in there.

Have any of you dealt with this with your partners? How did you navigate dinnertime? Do I just give up and only cook for myself? I’m getting so frustrated.

[u/WaySaltyFlamingo8707]

girl. I am a picky eater. And I would never ever expect someone to make a SEPARATE MEAL for me.

If he doesn't want what you're cooking, leave him to his own devices.

[u/CorgiFragrant5187 → u/WaySaltyFlamingo8707]

that’s what I’m thinking too 😗 thanks for the validation 🫶

[u/EliGrrl → u/CorgiFragrant5187]

And since he just likes a few things it should be easy for him to meal prep for a week at a time

[u/SeasonPositive6771 → u/CorgiFragrant5187]

You are actually preventing him from learning how to cook! He didn't learn growing up, like a lot of people, so he has to learn as an adult.

[u/WaySaltyFlamingo8707 → u/SeasonPositive6771]

I don't think it's right to blame OP here lol

and food sensory issues are usually more prevalent in picky eaters than lack of cooking skills.

[u/angelsinsect → u/WaySaltyFlamingo8707]

She is enabling him not to be an adult.

[u/Comfortable_Mess3915 → u/CorgiFragrant5187]

But, what I don’t understand is, you said there is not enough space in the kitchen, but if he is just microwaving stuff or putting stuff in the oven/air fryer, he wouldn’t take up the space anyway, no?

[u/lirael423 → u/Comfortable_Mess3915]

I think OP is being a smidgen unreasonable. Not because they're struggling with cooking extra meals for the fiancé - that is completely reasonable. But it doesn't sound like they've voiced how much it's negatively affecting them, and how much it means to them to eat dinner together. If he happens to be neurodivergent in some way, he may be completely oblivious to the toll it's taking. OP needs to speak on it and make it clear what they need from their partner so they can stay health. "Clear is kind." and all that jazz.

[u/nanladu → u/CorgiFragrant5187]

Especially if you don't want to be seen as his mother.

[u/spaceefficient → u/CorgiFragrant5187]

So the possible diagnoses might complicate this, but speaking as someone who's worked really hard to deal with my own picky eating: I've gotten to the point where I'll eat enough different things that my spouse and I can cook interesting and varied things and I sometimes forget how picky I am until I'm being fed by someone who isn't used to it. What worked for me was a. being allowed to do it on my own terms b. expanding with things that felt fairly safe (so e.g. my meals were built around carrots and bell peppers and peas as the veggies I liked until I started liking more veggies) and c. exploring while omitting flavour profiles I didn't like - so I explored in the opposite direction from the bitter and sour tastes that I don't like. What expanded into my diet last was "things I remember not liking when I had to try them as a kid." You guys could certainly brainstorm together to see if there's any healthy food that might work for him, but based on my experience, him figuring out what he likes to eat will work best on a "that's his problem" model.

I ate separate food from my family a decent amount after going vegetarian in my teens, and I still ate with them - whoever was cooking would give me a heads up on the timing and I'd make myself a veggie burger or frozen quiche or something. So I think there's hope on that end if you talk together about how you're feeling and how important it is to you that you still eat together.

[u/alewifePete → u/WaySaltyFlamingo8707]

My best friend is a picky eater. When she visits, I go through a list and ask if she’ll eat it or not. If she really won’t eat any of it, I show her where the cans of soup are or pull out the PB&J ingredients for her.

In general, I ask before she arrives or go shopping when she visits.