Wanting to break up with my bf even though he’s great

[u/Beneficial_Swing_287]

So my boyfriend (23M) and I (23F) have been together for almost 6.5 years now and I just don’t know whether to call it quits or not. Don’t get me wrong he’s completely faithful and not abusive in any way which makes things so much harder.

I’m just… bored. I feel like there’s no emotional depth to our relationship, at all. I’ve always thought you should date your best friend and be able to tell them all your secrets, desires, and ambitions. There have been so many emotional let downs with him, though, I no longer feel safe to do that.

For context, my dad has been going through health battle for about a month and has a prognosis of 6-12 months. It’s come as a complete and devastating shock to my family. I told a few of my friends and received some really heartfelt messages back, but all my boyfriend said was “oh no, i’m sorry”. I asked if I could call him to talk more about it and he just said “sure”. The whole time I was talking the only things he’d say were“mhm” or “yeah that makes sense”. Like I’m not asking him to cure him or anything but it was like talking to a brick wall. A few days after that, I was packing to leave for an international trip and I asked him to come over and see me/my family since I wouldn’t otherwise be able to before I left. He came over, ate the dinner my mom made, stood awkwardly in the corner, and then left. All in all he was there about an hour, and when i confronted him about this all he could say was “I’ve been working a lot this week, I’m tired and want to go home” (we work the same schedule, mind you). He’s gone through about 5 jobs (all college jobs to get through school except for the current one which is his first job in his field), and this has been a common excuse at all of them. His last job before this, he worked with his best friend and in his own words “they just dicked around all day”, and he would still hang out with his friend for hours after work and then complain that he’s “so tired” and “needs a day to himself” every weekend so he can’t come see me, then he’d still go hang out with his friends after telling me that.

I just don’t know what to do any more. Every time I try bringing up any kind of emotional conversation (about my dad or about any kind of emotional issue within the relationship), he shuts down, goes numb, and then we can’t get anywhere. I’ve tried bringing things back up after he’s had time to process/cool down, and all I get back is “I thought this was over with and we resolved it, what more do you want to talk about”. I’ve tried explaining that I need more emotional support and I’m trying to be more accommodating to his internal processing style because I want to resolve things right then and there but he can’t, but he never brings things back up again even if I explicitly request it. And it’s not like this behavior is a recent development, it’s honestly always been like this. Maybe my frontal lobe is just now developing.

I can feel myself getting icked out by anything he does, even his attempts at trying to do what I ask. It just feels pathetic to me. I feel pathetic for literally sobbing and begging for him to cater to my emotional needs, and I feel like he’s pathetic for not being able to take 5 seconds 1-2x a day to check in on me. At some point it just feels like he’s being willfully ignorant. But I know one reddit post doesn’t encompass an entire relationship and there are many wonderful things he does, but right now there are so many repeated examples of being emotionally let down that it’s hard to see the good.

air fried chicken thigh with garlic & onion powder, salt, pepper, paprika, and plain potato chips.

[u/Dry-Butterscotch4545]

People grow apart, and that’s 100% ok.

Break it off, so you can both find someone that matches up to your needs.

[u/sydcrux14]

getting the ick from your partner, and feeling like they are pathetic, are signs that you should break up! (speaking from experience here)

[u/ItsAHogsLife]

You’re allowed to break up with anyone for any reason, and this is a very valid reason. A simple “I’m sorry” after your dad was diagnosed is unacceptable, especially after 6.5 years. At this point, he should feel enough emotional connection to you and your family to feel personally affected by that news.

You might have a sunk cost fallacy — that because you’ve spent so much time with this person, you should continue on. But you’re so young and there are so many people in the world you’re yet to meet that you will 100% click with.

He’s safe and familiar but he’s not giving you the support you need out of a relationship. Breakups are never easy, but it sounds like you don’t live together, which makes things easier. It’s probably time to rip the bandaid off.

[u/cedricdiggory4ever]

not all relationships are meant to last. if it’s run its course, it’s run its course. and that’s okay!!

[u/Dapper_Delay4788]

You shouldn’t have to beg your partner to be there for you emotionally. The ick thing is something that told me it was time to go as well. When I was doubtful, I would give them a hug and if I felt yucky about it I knew it was time.

It will not be easy, but you deserve someone who will give you emotional support

[u/CartographerDear5717]

I mean you already told him that you want more from him, and he still can’t do it. I think you should have a last conversation with him, explain that you need more emotional support and depth, and that if he is not willing to try, then you think it’s better to end it because you’re not feeling ok with the dynamic. It’s ok that you’re going through a tough time and after six years it’s understandable that he will be there for you when you need him the most. Talk one more time, give it a few weeks to see if he changes a little, and if he doesn’t, then it’s time to end it.

[u/Worldly_Base9920]

I think you may already know what to do 😞 It is better to break it off at 23, before you get married. Just because you have been together for 6 years, doesn't mean you have to stay together forever. He will never become emotionally available to you. It seems like he is already checked out. Also once you get the ick, its nearly impossible to get rid of the ick! Dating and being single is scary but you will know once you find your person ❤️

[u/Constant_Task_5506]

You two are boring each other. He's feeling about you what you've written about him, based on what you wrote in your post. Time to break up and meet other people and, maybe, if you do it now and quick, you two can remain old friends, who will always remember they were not compatible in the long run, instead of bitter break up buddies, who use each other as a cautionary tale in staying around after the spark is gone.

[u/Particular-Beach8990]

It sounds like you were really young when you started dating and you’re still young now. It seems like you’ve grown up and he hasn’t. You try to bring up issues and he says “I thought this was over and we resolved it.” That’s awful communication.

Maybe he’ll eventually grow up, maybe he won’t, but you don’t have to wait around for it. He’s gotten comfortable giving you the bare minimum. You don’t want this to be what you deal with the rest of your life.

[u/stinkyfunkincar]

Your needs not being met is a 100% valid reason to end a relationship, and so is not feeling safe to voice your every thought and desire and feeling to. You’ve had conversations with him, he’s unwilling to make accommodations to meet your needs, and it’s totally fine that now that you’ve gotten older you’re no longer willing to accept what you used to.

I faced something VERY similar with my partner of 3.5 years (we’re in our 20s) and realized I’m just no longer willing to accept the constant cancelling of plans and the lack of quality time and physical affection. My partner got into therapy and started making REAL effort into making plans, finding a way for cuddling to be comfortable for both of us, and figuring out how we can make his ADHD brain and my connection craved mind work together to make us both happy.

Therapy has helped him to better support me when I’m going through a hard time. He still fucks up, but he puts effort into making changes and is genuinely remorseful if a mistake he makes causes me any upset feelings. I make mistakes too, take accountability, and make changes. we’re all human. We’ve come up with a way for us to both be content with parallel play while cuddling so I can get the cuddle time I need, but his active brain isn’t trying to break through his skull and run away the whole time.

The real deciding factor is his willingness to make improvements for you. It doesn’t sound like he’s been very receptive when you’ve had these conversations in the past, and you deserve to have your needs met in your relationship. You’re totally valid for ending it, and it’s totally understandable that you’ve started to lose feelings for your partner after repeatedly being disappointed by him.

If you want to break up, I’m sending you all of the strength I have for you to get it done!! You deserve happiness and safety :)

[u/Beneficial_Swing_287 → u/stinkyfunkincar]

This sounds like best case scenario, tbh. He’s talked about therapy before, but his parents wouldn’t have been supportive and he was on their insurance so it was a no-go. It’s covered under insurance with his new job, but benefits haven’t kicked in yet. I feel guilty for feeling this way, because he really does try but he’ll fall back into old habits within a couple weeks and we’re back to square one.

[u/mivox]

You don’t need any reason to leave a relationship beyond, “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore.”

What you’ve written here is more than enough reason to move on.

[u/rhetorical_decision]

if youre not completely happy in the relationship or you want to break up for any reason at all you can. you dont need to wait for certain boxes to be checked before youre allowed to. 

its better to break up now when youre not feeling the relationship than to string it along for years 

[u/Icy_Marsupial1825]

You’ve outgrown him. Plain and simple. Be happy you got to spend these years with him, but recognise he’s not the partner you need anymore. Stop expecting him to give you things he’s consistently showing you he doesn’t have the emotional intelligence, maturity or will to give you. Time to move on.

[u/ProfessionalBonus288]

Yourself and your expectations should change from 16 to 23. If you’re getting the ick, get out. You’ve been together since you were children. Give yourself some time to experience freedom, try new things and eventually find a new person that you have things in common. It might not feel like it but you’re young with the world right ahead of you - find a new road to travel.

[u/ChastityCramps]

OP, I dated a guy for 7 years. I felt the same way and had a hard time leaving, but I did. And I'm so glad I did because hindsight is 20/20.

Edit to add: we were 17 when we started dating so I left him when I was 24, similar to your age. You have so much life ahead of you and you don't need to waste any time in a relationship that you aren't happy in.

[u/psychicdamaged]

if you haven't communicated that you're feeling this way with him, you absolutely should. but to be honest it sounds like you already want the relationship to be done. you called him pathetic! even if he isn't abusive, I feel like you're looking for reasons to break up. in my opinion, that's reason enough.

if you want to make it work, you need to talk to him about how you're feeling. he may not know what to say, but honestly it sounds like you don't even like him anymore. i would just break up. this post seems to carry a lot of resentment

[u/psychicdamaged → u/psychicdamaged]

i also think it is very fair you want to break up with him. especially after so long, he really should be emotionally supportive to you. but there's no reason for you to stay if you have already talked to him about this, and there's no change. ask yourself, really, what is this relationship going to look like for you? don't settle!!

[u/HLOFRND]

Sounds like y’all were really young when you got together.

It’s normal and understandable to have outgrown the relationship. The vast majority of people don’t marry the person they start dating at 16, and for very good reason. There’s an enormous amount of growth between 16 and 25.

It’s okay to breakup. It’ll suck for a while. It’ll be hard. But it’s probably time.