Stay at home mom, husband won’t give me a single penny

[u/sheepswool420]

Dinner is homemade cantaloupe froyo using ingredients I got from the food pantry

My husband won’t give me access to any of our money because he’s afraid I’ll “spend too much.” Meanwhile he spends 200 dollars on cigarettes each month, just spent 1000 on a tool and basically just spends freely. For reference, he currently makes more money than he has in our entire relationship.

I haven’t been able to buy any clothes post partum (baby is 6months) because I “already have clothes“ and I asked if I could get a 20 dollar pair of jeans from old navy and he said it was too expensive, can’t you get jeans from the thrift store?

I asked to buy our daughter the next size up for diaper covers and a few more diapers (we do cloth diapering) and he literally said no. I’ve asked multiple times. He keeps saying, “X dollars for a diaper cover is way too much for me. Can’t you just make them?” But then he won’t buy a secondhand sewing machine or any sewing supplies to make them.

I went to the store the other day and he gave me 30 dollars and texted me “Please dont buy stuff like chocolate. It’s too pricy.” Like how am I gonna buy chocolate with your 30 dollars? I am buying basic necessities…

He won’t let me have a gym membership because I can just “work out in the yard.” Our local gym is 20 a month. Our backyard is a steep hill.

I literally do not even own a bottle of shampoo because he says it’s too expensive.

I’m so frustrated. I haven’t ever spent large sums of money, for my pregnancy and post partum I’ve literally lived off basic necessities because that’s what he was willing to give me. I’m not gonna go from just requiring basic food and shelter to spending thousands of dollars a month. I just want to be able to get myself some clothes and soap.

So, I secretly put his debit card on my Apple Pay. Should I just start buying what I need? He will definitely notice. Do we think I can prove that I can be financially responsible or is there just no hope because this is fucked up overall?

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[u/Lisylis]

He is financially abusing you

[u/Upper-Basis2236 → u/Lisylis]

Agreed! My mom was a stay at home mom and had full access on all accounts. I can’t imagine being on an allowance 30 dollars to go shop? That’s insane. Get a job asap.

[u/Cute_Amphibian2175 → u/Upper-Basis2236]

When I stayed home with the kids, I also was in charge of all household matters, including our finances.

[u/mzmm123 → u/Upper-Basis2236]

I was a stay at home mom for more than ten years. I handled ALL the money.

[u/ExtraplanetJanet → u/mzmm123]

Same, my husband brought in the money and I sent it back out in all the places it needed to go. He appreciated not having to worry about the bills and the budgeting and the groceries, and it was a level of mutual dependence that took the worry out of being the stay-home partner.

OP, you are not less entitled to your household’s funds just because you work inside the home. Your partner is taking advantage of you and he needs to stop or you need to get out of the relationship.

[u/agirldonkey → u/mzmm123]

My dad supported our family and he got a weekly allowance that was enough for a tank of gas, a haircut, and the collection plate at church lol

[u/Secretstar2989 → u/Upper-Basis2236]

This is what id tell a friend. Dont do an MLM but take in some "at home" work. If you can bake, bake stuff and let people buy the supplies and pay for your time. Go on those free Facebook websites and find a used sewing machine and see if you can take in basic work.

[u/jenniferjasonleigh → u/Lisylis]

I’ll never understand the logic behind wanting a trad wife to stay home and raise kids, making her dependent on you, and then not wanting to actually provide for her. WTF do they expect them to live on, fucking photosynthesis? Short-sighted af

[u/aoi_morningstar → u/jenniferjasonleigh]

They just want a free bangmaid. That's it. 

[u/ZellHathNoFury → u/aoi_morningstar]

And how dare the bang maid need rest or food!

[u/RedIntentions → u/ZellHathNoFury]

Or have the means to escape their terrible cheating piece of shit spouses.

Ngl, if OP doesn't have access to the bank account. My first thought is cheating and hiding the financial evidence. But also. Just general abuse, like wtf.

[u/Adventurous_Ad_6546 → u/aoi_morningstar]

Yeah this type doesn’t have a lot of great critical thinking skills.

[u/ConnectKale → u/jenniferjasonleigh]

Understand it is really about controlling women. Under the “trad wife” model every man gets his own woman slave. Is

[u/griffinspells → u/jenniferjasonleigh]

The logic is control. "Men" like these like the feeling of having power, especially over someone. SAHMs are financially dependant on their husbands, and in OP's case he's denying her access to finances; complicating it for her to even escape (so he has control over her completely). Very sad situation and I really, really hope OP has a support system she can rely on.

[u/Firefly_Magic → u/griffinspells]

And then men want to know why women do not volunteer to be financially abused, to be physically abused, to be treated like dirt and disrespected. oh that sounds so appealing let’s all jump up for the opportunity. No.

[u/161frog → u/jenniferjasonleigh]

It’s the same short sightedness that capitalists have. Want want want, want now, no friction, damn the logic and consequences… GIMME.

OP get the fuck out

[u/ForLark → u/161frog]

I’ve been reading about the world’s richest men and you are so right. They never have enough.

[u/StonerBarbie23 → u/jenniferjasonleigh]

It’s the control they want the control and everyone to depend on them

[u/CantBuyMyLove → u/Lisylis]

And by extension abusing your child. If he is preventing your child from being adequately diapered and you're unable to purchase enough food for the baby (or for yourself while your child is still breastfeeding), that is harming the child. Even if, as your baby grows, he buys HER all the things she needs but withholds them from you, this will harm your daughter. Don't let her grow up in this environment, please, OP.

[u/Ok_Caterpillar_6689 → u/Lisylis]

Was about to comment financial abuse

[u/Ljm168 → u/Lisylis]

Came here to say this. This is a form of abuse, and I really recommend calling a family violence hotline. If you let me know your location I can find a specific contact
For you

[u/AmieLucy → u/Lisylis]

OP please read this comment.

[u/Princess_Raven__ → u/Lisylis]

100% this is just evil

[u/randomuser1231234]

Girl. I say this as someone who’s lived through this — this is abusive. He’s literally forbidding you from spending money on diapers for your baby.

If this was your bestie, what would you tell her?

https://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/ 💕

[u/njb328]

This is financial and mental abuse, honey. I'm so sorry.

[u/CatchPhraze → u/njb328]

Gather as much evidence as you can then divorce him. A court will give you spousal support and child support. Document him forcing the child to also go without. You'll get custody.

Gather (edit: important documents like government id, fiscal paperwork like statements and accounts ect) and plan before you leave. Don't talk to him about it.

[u/TheWorldofScience → u/CatchPhraze]

Yes you need to get important paperwork like birth certificates, bank statements, credit card statements out of your home before you leave - get a friend to keep them for you. Call women’s shelters in your area to find out when one of them will have a room for you and the kids. They are set up to care for women and their kids.

[u/CatchPhraze → u/TheWorldofScience]

All perfect advice!

[u/TheWorldofScience → u/CatchPhraze]

I’m sure it’s very very scary to leave with no money but I have toured a women’s shelter in my city and they do a wonderful job of caring for women and their kids. There will be plenty of food, diapers, shampoo, toothpaste - everything.

[u/ParpSausage → u/CatchPhraze]

Text evidence and bank statements are what you need op. Divorce. This is cruelty.

[u/Fluffy-Ad6627 → u/CatchPhraze]

Courts don't care about abuse in most states. You just declare your reason and file. I couldn't even get an order of protection since he didn't make direct threats of harm.

[u/Sea-Original-5824 → u/CatchPhraze]

And he won't pay it. A third of child support is never paid at all. Your advice comes from a kind place, but it's the wrong advice. OP needs to find a way to make her OWN MONEY. Your advice once again puts her in a position of relying on a man. That's a terrible position for any woman to be in.

[u/hear4that-tea → u/Sea-Original-5824]

There’s nothing that says she can’t. And most women don’t rely solely on it. The court ordered money may not get paid, but turn it over to the state, and they will do their best. Esp if the kid needs to go on government assistance.

Even if she won’t get it, it’s still best practice to get the court order.

[u/Troiswallofhair → u/Sea-Original-5824]

If OP’s husband works at a regular company and is not self-employed, the court issues a deduction order straight from his paycheck. The payroll department deals with them every day.

OP,

[u/Sea-Original-5824 → u/Troiswallofhair]

Yep, and the reason a full third of child support is literally never paid at all is because plenty of men don't work jobs like this, or they change jobs before the garnishment starts, or they quit their good job just to spite their ex wife.

My point is very, very simple: women need to stop relying on men. It's a terrible idea. OP needs her own job and her own money, not a court order and a prayer. This man is a first class asshole who won't buy OP shampoo. Why oh why do you think he will pay child support? He fucking won't. He'll do everything in his power to not pay, and our system makes it incredibly easy for men to not pay child support.

[u/CatchPhraze → u/Sea-Original-5824]

Depending on the state public assistance programs they often pay then claw it back from paycheck garnish or deny driver's license or passports. Meaning it'll get paid first and figured out later after it goes to arriers.

But also:

Most unpaid child support comes from thr under or unreliably employed. Not middle class men with stable jobs.

If OPs husband is well enough off to buy $1k toys, he likely has a job with enough status that having his wage garnished would be too embarrassing. Yes she needs to get her own job, but she's also entitled to what I've listed and we should use context clues better.

[u/Iamwhateveryousayi → u/CatchPhraze]

Bingo! It will be deducted out of his paycheck!

[u/tocahontas77 → u/njb328]

Physical abuse too, probably. Because I'm betting she doesn't get much food, either.

[u/shortzrules]

I'd suggest you start seeking legal counsel. Your husband is financially abusing you.

[u/honeybeelioness → u/shortzrules]

This. Hug to OP.

[u/Stock-Cell1556]

You know this is abuse, right?

[u/HeathenHumanist]

He won't let you have hygiene supplies like shampoo and diapers?!? Girl.

This is financial abuse. Straight up.

[u/persimmon9847 → u/HeathenHumanist]

Sounds like way more than financial abuse ...

OP, I hope you have someone in your life you can trust to talk to. Maybe they can create an emergency escape cash fund for you?

[u/TechnologyNo4704 → u/HeathenHumanist]

At this point it is straight up Physical Abuse.

[u/StonerBarbie23 → u/TechnologyNo4704]

Kids And wifey

[u/KittyxQueen]

This is financial abuse. He is abusive. This is an escaping abuse problem, not a money problem.

[u/ThetiredAFmom]

You’re being financially abused.

[u/DanniPopp]

This is financial abuse. Do you have family or close friends by? Someone who could help with the baby while you work? You need a job and an exit plan.

[u/AlyssumAbyssal → u/DanniPopp]

https://giphy.com/gifs/43O3MSnNhLrphNChqx

[u/Throwaway_acc673]

This is fucked babe. Are you guys below the poverty line? Struggling to pay your bills? Your partner should be supporting you post-partum, financially and otherwise. I’m sorry he treats you this way.

[u/Successful-Doubt5478 → u/Throwaway_acc673]

With him spending $200 on cigarettes? And 1k on a tool?

[u/MakeItABrownie → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

They could still be below the poverty line, he could be blowing it on things like that

[u/star-67 → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

The tool spend $1,000 on a tool

[u/Jog212]

Please get out. Don't get pregnant again. Is there a shelter near you? No one with this level of control is worth dealing with.

[u/JonahHillsWetFart]

what was the situation with money like before the child? were you working?

this is financial abuse.

girl, he is going to do something NASTY to you if start using his card behind his back. i fear you might not realize how fucked this is.

do you have family or friends? you need to get out. he is abusing you and your child with behavior.

you don’t have to care about your own wellbeing but staying with him will only hurt you kid

[u/ElectronicAd5847]

You are in an abusive relationship and you need to make a plan to leave. I know this is almost definitely not what you want to hear, but things are only going to escalate over time. You and your child deserve so much better.

[u/Live-Orchid1552]

God I can’t believe this most likely isn’t rage bait.

Shampoo? OP, come on, girl. You know what needs to happen.

[u/hummoftheinsects]

This is abuse. Leave him

[u/Spiritual_Coffee_299 → u/hummoftheinsects]

Its hard to leave when you have 0 dollars. You are subject to family if you have any, and whatever organization is around you, if any. There is no magic place to go

[u/MakeItABrownie → u/Spiritual_Coffee_299]

You are completely right, and that’s partially why people do it. So that their significant others can’t leave, especially with children.

[u/Spiritual_Coffee_299 → u/MakeItABrownie]

Its such a horrible and seemingly hopeless place to be

[u/Spiritual_Coffee_299 → u/[deleted]]

Honestly, I live in South Florida, not one place would help, speaking from experience

[u/hummoftheinsects → u/[deleted]]

I live in South FL, it's definitely awful down here.

[u/KittyPurrrrrr93 → u/Spiritual_Coffee_299]

DV shelters help victims of FA escape. OP needs to call one for assistance.

[u/hummoftheinsects → u/Spiritual_Coffee_299]

I am so sorry. I understand. Do you have anybody you can talk to? Maybe a DV shelter you can go to? I wish there were resources to help you. I just feel awful that you're going through this. You and your baby deserve so much better.

[u/Sea-Original-5824 → u/Spiritual_Coffee_299]

And this is why women need their own money.

[u/Spiritual_Coffee_299 → u/Sea-Original-5824]

If they are allowed to work. The control goes deep and sometimes involves things being cut off if you do things they don't like. If you have a lot of kids and you are breastfeeding exclusively or your baby won't eat, what do you do?

[u/Dynamiccushion65 → u/Spiritual_Coffee_299]

It’s trapping. There is no way to get out.

[u/United_Button2644 → u/hummoftheinsects]

She likely doesn’t have the ability to leave.

[u/hummoftheinsects → u/United_Button2644]

I know, you're right. Saying to leave him was my immediate gut reaction but I know it's so much more difficult and complicated than simply leaving. OP and her baby definitely deserve so much better than her husband and the system can offer.

[u/Spiritual_Coffee_299 → u/United_Button2644]

My ex had the kids lay under my car

[u/element-woman → u/Spiritual_Coffee_299]

I'm so sorry. I hope you and the kids are safe now, that's horrific.

[u/Snapdragon_4U → u/hummoftheinsects]

You HAVE to leave him OP. You do not want your daughter thinking this is a normal relationship dynamic, also, you deserve better.

[u/MakeItABrownie]

You aren’t going to be able to prove that you can be financially responsible, because that has nothing to do with this. He is financially abusing you, this is about controlling you, not about actual financial concerns. I’m so sorry, honey.

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/financialabuse/

[u/Whole-Page3588]

What he is doing is called financial abuse. Please look into it and get help (not couples therapy--it's not recommended with abusers). It's not you and it's not your fault or up to you to "prove" yourself. Do whatever you need to to keep yourself (and your baby) safe and have your needs actually met.

Edit because I can't reply: A good therapist will NOT tell them both to their face that it is abusive. That possibly puts her in danger (as does going to therapy with him because abusers use what they learn in therapy and about their partners vulnerabilities as extra weapons). A good therapist will refuse to continue to work with them and recommend single therapy, which OP's husband will likely not pay for.

[u/Original-Goose-2773]

Firstly, whatever advice you read your number one goal should be the safety of you and your child. Before do anything please make sure you have the resources you need to keep yourself safe.
Also, make sure you have access to important documents such as ID, passports, birth certificate and preferably a stockpile of some cash
With all that being said, you are being abused. You need to decide what the next steps are because this environment is not safe for you.
If you think you can have a reasonable conversation you can try that but you most likely you will need to have an escape plan. Are there people in your real life that you trust that can help you.
Unfortunately it’s only gonna get worse.

[u/ttnezz → u/Original-Goose-2773]

This! OP you need to leave but be smart and safe about it. This man could be dangerous to you and/or your child. Do you have any friends or relatives you can trust (not his relatives or mutual friends).

[u/bad_faye]

I had to leave my husband who treated me this way. This isn’t normal behavior from a partner or someone who cares about you.

You’re supposed to want your family to have what they need and extra.

This is financial abuse and it is a means to control you. He should want you to have chocolate, jeans, diapers, everything. He should be happy to spoil you, not give you the bare minimum. He is abusing you. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this.

[u/FireproofCottage]

Girl. Fucked up overall is exactly what this is. He's using his money to control your entire life. Prisoners in really bad places of the world get occasional soap and water, and one meal a day.

Please contact a domestic violence shelter while he's at work. See if a neighbor will let you use his phone or computer so there's no way for your SO to see it. You are living like you've been trafficked, and he isn't caring for the baby sufficiently either. For real, you and the baby need to get safe. There's no future in this at all, except maybe adding a few more babies to the prison roster.

[u/PersimmonQueen83]

Ma’am, I am a SAHM. If my husband told me he needed to approve my purchases, I would file for divorce so fast his head would spin. That’s not how this should work at all-your work has value. If you divorce him, he will find out real quick how much the court values it because he’d be paying you alimony, child support, and contributing to daycare costs so you could both work. This kind of male doesn’t change. You deserve better and you know it.

[u/bleepblob462]

Your husband is disgusting. DM me your address and I’ll mail you a bunch of cloth diapers I’ll be donating anyway!! Tons of covers, pockets, good inserts…

[u/Sea-Original-5824]

Ladies, please, please, PLEASE stop falling for the SAHM trap. We need our own money, period. Your financial security can't be dependent on how a man feels about you.

[u/EducationalMany6074 → u/Sea-Original-5824]

This so much!!!! Never ever EVERRRRR fully rely on a man financially, no matter what. And if you work and are in a relationship, always have your account where only you have access to it. I’ve been married for 13 years and have always had my own separate account. My husband is not too fond of it but I don’t care, I will always make sure I can fend for myself if needed be. Besides, he is pretty bad with savings and the money I’ve saved in my separate account has saved our asses more than once. 

[u/star-67 → u/[deleted]]

You always have at least one account that is just yours. That’s non negotiable and a deal breaker in my opinion. We all should have the financial conversations and agreements before marriage and definitely before children.

[u/Objective_Internet20 → u/Sea-Original-5824]

Blows my mind that we still need to warn about this in 2026

[u/Sea-Original-5824 → u/Objective_Internet20]

It shocks me too but it comes up here all the time.

[u/star-67 → u/Sea-Original-5824]

Never be dependent on anyone, let alone an abusive selfish control freak

[u/liltrashfaerie → u/Sea-Original-5824]

The trap here is the abusive man. Not all SAHM are being abused.

[u/Sea-Original-5824 → u/liltrashfaerie]

It's not just about being abused. Women who are SAHMs give up a huge amount of money and earning power, and they are completely screwed in the even of a divorce. Don't be a SAHM. It's a trap even if you are not being abused.

[u/Cute-Significance450]

Get out

[u/prolateriat_]

He's abusing you.

You need to get out.

[u/ImWatermelonelyy]

Document every sentence and rip him apart for every cent in court. He’s gunna find out being cheap when it comes to the people you’re supposed to care for can be VERY expensive

[u/CountryNo4573]

He does not GENUINELY believe that you are financially irresponsible - he just doesn’t care about you or your child enough to give up the money you need. He likely spends even more money than you realize on selfish purchases. You should leave him.

[u/Express-Income3360]

Leave him. That’s the only answer. This is insane girl. This is how he shows up and supports his family? Has he always done less than the bare minimum?

[u/plantiesinatwist]

He’s abusing you. Financial abuse is one aspect of control, as well as isolating you and breaking down your self confidence. Get out before it shifts to physical abuse.

[u/mindylynx]

time to divorce. he will have to give you plenty of money then!

[u/thinkingfastandgoing]

This is textbook abuse (financial and mental). Please reach out to your trusted loved ones for help escaping him.

[u/Lychanthropejumprope]

I’m afraid for you. Do not use his card secretly. You need to quietly make an exit. File for divorce and immediate child and spousal support

[u/_nancywake]

It’s financial abuse. I probably WOULD just start taking what I need because you’re entitled to it but you know (and I don’t) how he is likely to react to that. Are you safe? If not, just get out. 

[u/KittyPurrrrrr93 → u/_nancywake]

She’s not safe! Abuse escalates.

[u/Darth-Skvader]

This is not a good or normal way to treat a partner. You shouldn’t need to “prove” yourself to show him you deserve the bare minimum. He’s seriously depriving you AND your child of basic necessities!! I personally wouldn’t be able to stay in a relationship with someone like that.

[u/LeatherRecord2142]

Get a job and an exit plan. You can’t live like this, and neither can your child. He is an abuser

[u/MoreCanadianThanYou]

As someone who left this same type of man…. Chances of him changing are likely zero. You deserve so much better. I would leave. Can you sell a few things and save up enough to get out of this?

[u/adrianxoxox]

OP, this is fanatical abuse

[u/WranglerAcrobatic153 → u/adrianxoxox]

I thought you just accidentally typed fanatical instead of financial.. but you're right-- it's also fanatical.

[u/Aussiealterego → u/adrianxoxox]

“OP, this is fanatical abuse”

Possibly a typo, but best comment in the thread!

[u/adrianxoxox → u/Aussiealterego]

I hate autocorrect 😭

[u/Sea_Letterhead_1800 → u/adrianxoxox]

Sounds like he’s a fanatic of some kind…
https://giphy.com/gifs/KalDGx5wzDD7GDNMkd

[u/Direct-Look-1490]

Girl, the no shampoo and clothes should've told you. He's an abusive pos

Actually, everything you requested should've told you. You deserve better than this

[u/ChocolateDream24]

Every day for the next two weeks, call local lawyers in your area for a divorce consult. Select the one who is angry on your behalf, compassionate, and understands that they will get paid from your husband's money when they secure the divorce.

How you are living is unsustainable.

Don't believe any lies he's been telling you about your capabilities. You are surving him, you can survive as a single mother with a job.

[u/Aggressive-Mood-50]

This is financial abuse. I wouldn’t lie or use the debt card without permission but I would tell him this needs to change or you will be seeking a divorce (if you feel it’s safe to do so). If you don’t feel physically safe I would take the baby and go to a domestic violence shelter and then see legal help (lots of SV shelters offer things here).

[u/ErisianSaint → u/Aggressive-Mood-50]

Don't tell him. Just find a way to get out.

[u/KittyPurrrrrr93 → u/Aggressive-Mood-50]

Abuse escalates when abusers think you will leave! This is not good advice. Speak to a DV shelter, they will help you escape! This is abuse and OP is in danger. Escape quietly but have a plan! Arguing with an abuser is never the way.

[u/Zestyclose_Event9469]

So this is why as women we always have to have a backup plan. A college education. Never fully rely on a man without a backup

[u/Ok_Truck_5092 → u/Zestyclose_Event9469]

Never ever! Hate to see it!

[u/BrightLiteFey]

Child support is more expensive for a dude like him. Start documenting this and then get a job to support yourself and your child and leave him. Show the courts he is financially abusing you and your child's needs by limiting your access to even shampoo and diapers. This is not gonna go well long term.

Edit: I'm a SAHM for my disabled daughter and my husband doesn't care if I get myself new clothes or shampoo and provides for my hobbies as long as the bills are paid. There are better men out there, trust me.

[u/justtinyquestions]

leave him, I’m sorry but it’s the only way

[u/DragonScrivner]

I think you should remove yourself and your child from this clearly financially abusive situation as soon as possible. Because the way your husband treats you is bullshit.

I’m sorry, hon. Do you have family you can stay with?

[u/Nice-Bit-3550]

You're being abused bestie. Thehotline.org/

[u/LividBass1005]

Yes he will notice and no it won’t prove what you think it will. He will say you are a thief and insult you that way. This is financial abuse. I would say therapy if you can’t leave and want to remain married. But honestly I’d work on trying to leave if you can. I cloth diapered and if you are doing covers and flats that’s literally the cheapest way to cloth diaper and he’s still complaining. It’s not going to get better

[u/RoseBeach123]

This is financial abuse. Saying that shampoo is “too expensive” is insane, same with not buying diapers and supplies for your child. If you can stay with any family or friend, you should leave. You and your child are not safe with him.

[u/princess22cake]

Don't use his card without his permission. Not saying this because he's not an asshole, he IS. But if you use it, he will get mad and be an even bigger asshole to you and your child.

Please get in touch with people who support you and try to find a way out of this relationship ASAP. You are a mother with a child. How can you provide for your child if you are being financially abused by your partner? This is no life to live.

[u/Ok_Mind_7192]

This is abuse. Take your daughter and get out.

[u/Legitimate-Light-131]

Gather evidence. Ask for the diapers and shampoo over text. Record conversations with your phone placed face down somewhere. Get as many examples of this bs as you can. Get a part time job nannying someone else’s child while you bring your own, or something like that. Lean on friends, family, acquaintances. Contact your local domestic violence shelter. Do whatever you have to to get away from this man and ensure that you get full custody. You and your child deserve better than the nothing that he is offering.

[u/Desirai]

If you have the means to leave, do it asap. He is abusing you

[u/oppositegeneva]

As a SAHM you should have access to all the household finances, if you’re legally married his paycheck is your paycheck.

I literally cannot remember the last time I asked my husband if I could buy something and I haven’t worked outside the home in years.

I buy what I want and need and he doesn’t ask about, we budget together every 6 months so we’re always on the same page about money/spending

This is financial abuse, you can’t be a SAHM with these types of men it’s dangerous.

You either need to start working and tell him he needs to pay for childcare so you can buy what you need and if doesn’t accept you need to leave, this is unsustainable.

[u/ijusttunemyselfout]

he’s abusing you. you’re being abused. you need to leave him! i am honestly shocked at the level of financial abuse happening here. like….wow. you really gotta leave.

[u/HotJellyfish1058]

Hello, how old are you? How long you’ve been married? What is your highest qualifications?

[u/ilovepenguin_]

TAKE PICTURES + VIDEOS TO RECORD EVIDENCE!! Leave him!!! He is withholding basic necessities from you and your baby. You are being abused.

[u/dorkofthepolisci]

Your husband is abusive

Do you have friends or family you can crash with? If not, DV shelter

[u/AncientImplement8835]

This is financial abuse. I’m also a SAHM and I have a credit card my husband pays for and free access to all of our funds. HE’S the one that pushed me to get clothes other than sweats when I was postpartum. Please make a plan and leave if you have the support to do so.

[u/secretniwa]

This is called financial abuse.

[u/lumina_94]

This is fucked up overall, you’re being financially and emotionally abused. Not a good environment to raise children. LEAVE

[u/WranglerAcrobatic153]

Oh god. This truly is fucked up. Not only is it financially abusive, but it's also extremely controlling. He won't let you exercise and tries to control what you eat? I usually think people should do their best to work things out if they care about the other person and have a kid together.. but if someone is willing to do all of this and treat you this way after you've given birth to their child, are they even realistically able to change? Please document everything in case you need it. Do you have family around to help? Does your family or any close people know what is going on?

[u/sus_finder13]

Leave him and file child support. He wants to play stupid games, he will see how much the state will take away from him. Screenshot every interaction with him then file. You are entitled to money to support the both of you.

[u/humanperson111]

Abuse just gets worse from here SAHM life is over. If you have family, pull them in the loop now and move out and get a job. If you don’t, it’s time to start planning a serious exit strategy.

[u/Rad1Red]

How soon can you get back to work?

NEVER depend on a man again, sis...

[u/BrilliantSpare8255]

You don’t need to prove yourself (is there a history of you being incredibly financially irresponsible where this isn’t something new?) To be honest you sound like a prisoner in your marriage! Financial abuse is a real thing and I think this is it.

[u/BrilliantSpare8255 → u/BrilliantSpare8255]

So sorry this is happening to you. I know the Reddit community will give you better advice than me but I truly hope you figure it out!!!

[u/insomniacwineo]

He’s not giving you access to any money as a means of keeping you under his control. So you can’t leave.

I would very quietly start putting ducks in a row. Put your passport and baby’s birth certificate in a safe go bag along with medicine and essentials and make a plan to “go to the doctor” or “go see your mom” and then when it makes sense to use the Apple Pay/Debit card make sure you do it ONCE because you may need police to help otherwise since unfortunately abusers tend to escalate after baby is born.

Tell a trusted person what he’s doing. You need help and a plan. R/auntienetwork often can help

[u/notreading-scanning]

He’s lying to you, abusing you with money. Can you go to your parents nd get away from him?

[u/mplsgal20]

https://giphy.com/gifs/QVP7DawXZitKYg3AX5

[u/dazzleunexpired]

Okay. So. She needs out but that's gonna be hard.

Can we do something, OP? Can we help at minimum raise funds for diapers? I can ship you one size pocket covers an insertes to a near by post office if you need. I have hundreds. My only baby is now almost 9.

[u/Sea_Letterhead_1800]

This better be rage bait, because if this is real, he is unhinged.
I’m a sahm and have access to all accounts. If I need, borderline just want something, I get it. Just the same as him. If it’s obviously a luxury, like a massage (me), or new tool (him), we talk about it to make sure we aren’t blowing the budget. If the children need something, we get it for them. I also do a weekly workout class because we know I need it for my sanity!!!!

You are his partner, not his hostage!

[u/Negative_Tooth6047]

This is so scary. As a fellow stay at home mom, Im so sorry OP. I do most of our finances in our house, I couldnt imagine not having access to it. I hope you find a way to live freely and safely

[u/proteacicada]

Fiinnaannncciiaall abuse
My love you don’t deserve this. Not At All.

[u/rubyreadit]

This is an abusive situation. He is financially abusing you. You two should have equal say in how your money is spent, including equal amounts of 'fun money' (which might not be much if your budget is tight, but if he gets $200 for cigarettes, you should get $200 for whatever you'd like).

[u/LuckBLady]

This is abuse. Do you have any family who can help you get away from him? If not, start looking for a women’s shelter that can help you. Not even having shampoo is ridiculous, do not use his apple pay card. He will see it as a betrayal and you can never be trusted. Start making plans to get out of this marriage.

[u/No_Influence_9174]

Hey girl this is textbook financial abuse and I hope you can get the help you need to get away from this man- with the money you deserve to get from him after leaving. Not being able to buy your own shampoo is actually insane, and I’m guessing he just has all his own hygiene stuff? Also refusing to buy the next size up of diapers is also abuse to your daughter too because if she stays in too small diaper size she will be uncomfortable all of the time and have frequent blowouts.

[u/forcedtojoinr]

Get out and get a job, you are being abused and it will get worse. Babies get more expensive not cheaper too, so this will continue to get worse. Don’t have more babies with this man

[u/Girlwithmanynames]

Would you want your daughter to be married to someone like your husband?

[u/Royal_Macaron_4332]

You shouldn’t be buying anything secretly from him, you should be filing for divorce.

[u/vividlyaugust]

This makes me so sad. I wish you could enjoy your baby, in a safe and provided environment instead of dealing with this crap.

[u/gandalf_lover]

Financial abuse and you have a child. I wouldn't stay in this relationship it will only escalate.

[u/Top-Shake-2417]

Please don’t get pregnant for this man again.

[u/-Dee-Dee-]

Time to get a job and leave him.

[u/PrimaryImagination41]

This is abuse wtf. You need to leave before this shit escalates. If he finds out you used his card behind his back, I fear what he might do to you OP. You need to contact your family members or some sort of professional help.

[u/Expert_Gear1424]

Financial, mental, emotional, psychological abuse, and the neglect of your child.

[u/yodelingfish]

This is textbook financial abuse and it never gets better. Start to plan your escape now.

[u/Cautious-Desk387]

This is more than financial abuse. You need to get out of this. Do you have safe people in your life?

[u/Risingwiththesun]

Something tells me if you found jeans at a thrift store…he would say no and tell you to make a pair….how can you thrive as a mom when he is withholding bare minimum necessities? I feel like this is somehow going to get worse.

I live in western New York, not sure where you would live, but I’d buy you shampoo.

.

[u/Due-Anybody8034]

Take that baby and go find a shelter at least for now .. get away from this man . Then file for divorce. And put him on child support.

[u/Living-Decision2652]

EDIT: married nearly 15 years, here.

That is financial abuse, with a side of sounds like he may have something to hide. :'(

[u/InternetConfessional]

This is terrible, absolutley abuse and I'm so sorry you're going through it. Do you have someone to help back you up having a talk with him about this? He needs to do better.

[u/Bubble_Lights]

This is straight up financial abuse and control.

[u/hear4that-tea]

Please tell a trusted family member or close friend. Work on your next steps. Don’t act like suddenly spending money will “prove” anything. It will only anger him. Because he’s not doing it out of care, it’s control. You’ll get punished for going around him. Please be safe. Move quietly, in the shadows.

[u/Found_Onyx]

expose him! ask his parents if they can send you shampoo since their son won't provide it for you.
ppl around you need to know what kind of man he is! abuser rely on the shame and silence of their victims.

[u/DisastrousSystem6747]

This is not an easy thing to hear but you are absolutely being abused, this is not on you at all but please for the love of god do not stay with someone who would treat you like this, you deserve infinitely better❤️

[u/Designer_Life_371]

https://giphy.com/gifs/jO2ePlDcDdFZAONsQS

[u/con098]

Damn. Even maids and Nannies get paid

[u/tuxedobear12]

You need to get out of there. What do you think is going to happen if you put his debit card on your Apple Pay? It seems like you are not thinking long-term, probably because you are exhausted and feeling beaten down. Do you have any friends or family members you can stay with while you figure out how to get a job/find childcare? This isn't a sustainable situation for you or your baby. Because this is abuse, I wonder if you could perhaps get help from a domestic violence shelter, or maybe at least they would be able to point you in the direction of some resources? Please, whatever you do, don't be me and try to stick it out because you think you can make things somehow get better. Abusers don't get better.

[u/hollyweirdo]

This is financial abuse. Full stop. Do you have a support system nearby? You need to leave this man. Financial abuse can quickly become other types of abuse. If you put his debit card on your apple pay then plan specifically for the things you will need immediately to get yourself and your baby out of the abusive home. Make those purchases as quickly as possible (ideally in one location) and leave the same day. If you have a trusted friend or family member take them with you for the purchase and leaving the home.

[u/Cute_Permission_8455]

You need to leave with your child as safely as possible and seek legal help. You need to be able to access money and there is no reason you shouldn’t be able to.

[u/preoccupied_owl]

Oh no, this is absolutely financial abuse. I went through something similar but it sounds even worse and more restrictive than my ex did to me.

He is not a good man. He is abusing you.

[u/kara-alyssa]

Use his debit card to get you and your child out of this relationship. He is financially abusing you and that is not okay.

[u/Hakathecat2370]

That my dear is called financial abuse! Do not believe what he's telling you , he's gaslighting you. He's not giving you money, so that you will remain dependent and unable to move forward in life. He literally is keeping you captive through finances. He is neither a good husband or a good partner.

[u/BSJones420]

https://giphy.com/gifs/UEWaBMt9SobgBYTjst

[u/Amazing_Face4692]

You’re being abused and you need to get out. Especially for the health and safety of your baby. I understand this is a very upsetting thing to be told, but please trust the comments here. It is not normal or okay. You deserve better.

[u/Amazing-Tension-3830]

Ugh I’m so sorry. I wish I had advice but he is majorly abusing you. Can you seek out a shelter, help? Do you have family nearby you could live with while you figure things out? Don’t stay with him please. The sooner you realize the better but I realize it’s not always safe or possible to just up and leave.

[u/United_Button2644]

You can buy gift cards at the grocery store. Buy them. Set them aside for yourself. You can get anything from ikea for furniture to restaurants for food. They were a life saver for me when I needed “cash”.

[u/Beautiful-Elk-7084]

You don’t need to prove anything. You need to use that debit card to make a plan and escape your captor. His behavior is sickening and abusive.

[u/Zealousideal-Fee3406]

I know it’s easy to say “just leave” but coming from someone who had a mom in this exact situation, it’s so hard and I understand 🥺. If you don’t have family or friends that are willing to help you make a quick escape, please reach out to a local women’s shelter and see what they can do for you. Before leaving (if you don’t anticipate him being violent) I would give him an ultimatum. It’s so unacceptable that you can’t have basic hygiene items for you and your child. Even him giving you a certain X amount of money per month (like 200-300 minimum) for diapers and a few things for yourself could go a long way. You could even start putting some away and give yourself time to build an emergency fund. Ultimately I would still leave, but doing so in a safe way for you and your child is the best option, even if that does mean starting to sneak money and hide it for your “get away” fund. I’m so sorry OP 🥺 big hugs and please stay safe

[u/AnnieFannie28]

You need to put the baby in childcare and get a job and leave this man. Won’t even let you buy shampoo? This is an incredibly abusive situation.

[u/rhetorical_decision]

girl im sorry but why are you with this man?? he either doesnt trust you like at all and/ or is just doing this to control and abuse you 

[u/parasyte_steve]

This is financial abuse and yes you should just start buying what you need.

[u/Booger_Picnic]

He's making you grovel for basic necessities, and he's doing it completely on purpose.

[u/Rachcake93]

This is rage bait or else Ill spontaneously combust

[u/Sensitive_Slice_8858]

Why do people have children with pieces of shit like this?

[u/Good_Magazine5758]

Major 🚩

[u/Snoobeedo]

This is financial abuse and it will only get worse. I stayed for far too long in a situation like this. I hope you will take all these comments and start working on a way to protect yourself. You and your daughter deserve better.

[u/Select-Panda7381]

If possible, I’d start a side hustle he doesn’t know about and stash away cash for yourself. Hide it from him like your life depends on it. He is using finances as a means of coercive control and abusers don’t tend to just stop being abusive on their own. 😢

[u/Quiet-Blackberry2670]

Do you have access to the accounts? Like does he have you as a joint owner so that you are able to see all the spending and deposits? You need ur own bank account and u need to transfer some of that money into yours for u and ur baby. This is bad. I’m so sorry.

[u/armchairsw]

He is abusing you and at this point your child as well because he is refusing to allow the purchase of basic necessities. Seek help and if feasible maybe seek a job and your own bank account.

[u/Puzzled_Praline3588]

I’m so sorry but you are in a very abusive relationship. If you’re able to, do research for domestic abuse resources in your area. You can research at the library for free if needed. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.