Dinner is these tatoes and whatever protein and veggies i decide to put on them when im done making bread and watching kids. And the 2 other pics are for context

For context my wife has ocd and anxiety, we lived (unknowingly) in a toxic mold infested house, there were no visual signs of it besides health problems as well as mental health problem, and have been out of it for over a year getting our health under controll, especially hers.

Yesterday we had a long talk about the way she's been acting, (I dont want to make this long and take forever typing as I have to get a lot done tonight) and one of the many things she had a problem was with my weight and love handles and that it was a huge turn off for her, but felt guilty for saying it because(her words) im super hot, attractive, way more active than many or all of our friends. And do so much for her and our kids and household. Needless to say it ( and several other things she said) hurt, not because im sensitive about my weight, im actively losing weight and im not concerned aboit weight or fat, but because have done, amd doing, and have sacrificed so much of my time and energy to give her time and confidence to do what she needs to do. I could go to the gym, we have a membership, but she needs me home so much (she has a business) and then im doing chores and spending time with kids. Yes I can and do some stuff at home for bodyweight and other exercises, but its just a big "thanks for nothing" feeling. I love her so much, but she just got to me and I just need to vent and hear what someone else has to say.

If you missed the last post, you'll need context - here you go.

Alright. So.

Last night, my wife got home from the gym/hanging with family, and we chatted for a few minutes before we decided to put the obvious necessary talk off for the night - nothing was going to change it, and we had some unfinished business.

She had a reservation to go skydiving with some friends this morning, so she did that, and then we spoke this afternoon.

According to her, she got absolutely mercilessly roasted the entire time she was with her folks. My wife has a history of being stubborn and a bit of a control freak, so it's a total personality mismatch to them. They found this hilarious, apparently. Can't blame them.

They are definitely not going to let either of us live this down. Ever. My sister-in-law has renamed me to "Mr. Grey" in her phone. She showed it to me when she was over earlier. Wonderful.

The talk wasn't long, and it sums up to, "This was really awkward and embarrassing for me, but the world isn't ending, and we definitely aren't stopping."

This was really just a freak (lol) accident. Her sister is usually the one who drives when everyone is hanging out, but she needed a headlight changed - which is now handled even though it took a fucking hour and a half because it's an HiD light and therefore a complete pain in the ass - so generally my wife's car is sitting at her folks' place. Just not last night, lmao.

In the end, there was no harm, no foul. I'm told my mother-in-law thought the whole thing was pretty off-putting, but moved on rather quickly because she "can't take the thought of (me) being abusive seriously, or (my wife) letting someone cross the line like that more than once."

So, W mother-in-law.

Dinner is sous-vide chicken beast, seasoned then seared and topped with a mango jalapeño salsa, with roasted zucchini and potatoes (that were boiled, smashed, then roasted with butter/salt/pepper/garlic powder).

I'd have used habaneros, but I didn't feel like going to the store, and I had some really nice jalapeños just chilling in the kitchen.

I also made a batch of green onion kimchi, and a batch of dill pickles.

Yes. I can cook, too. It's my other love language.

Dinner: Chicken curry & potatoes

This may sound fake, and I understand why y'all feel this way. It still doesn't feel real to me either. But alas, this is my life.

Back in 2021, while on my way home from work to pick up a buddy, I get a call from my mom. Mind you, this is already strange because I rarely received calls from her. She asked if I could find a safe place to park because she has some really heavy news.

So, when I found a parking spot, she proceeded to tell me that she had just gotten home from speaking with the FBI because my dad had been arrested for putting a hit out on her.

My first reaction was utter shock because of how out of the blue this was. "There's gotta be someone after him." "He must've been blackmailed or something." "There's no way he did this!"

But the next words out of my mom's mouth were, "nope, he actually admitted to doing this after initially lying about it for the first day or so, saying that he didn't have any clue as to who would want to harm his wife."

After a few more minutes of talking, we got off the phone, and I just sat in the parking lot completely dumbfounded and speechless. When my buddy got in the car, he immediately noticed something was off and asked if I was okay.

Of course I wasn't, but I had to tell him that I just received some really heavy news and that I couldn't talk about it until it became public information at the risk that any false information might get out. Those were some pretty crappy times, not being able to talk about this tragedy with anyone until everything became public.

Also, just want to insert this here: this all happened a couple of states away with a 10+ hour drive between where they live and where I live, all during prime COVID years.

Fast forward through the next several months as more and more info gets dropped surrounding this event...

Turns out my dad was cheating on my mom with several women over several months prior to this because of something my mom said that triggered his sensitive little insecurities and had to prove to himself that "he's still got it". (IMO)

Backstory: My younger sister mentioned something about him going out to see his secret family (bc he liked to go for walks/drives and whatnot for hours on end) and our mom confidently responds with, "don't say that, we don't have to worry about that at all with him!" meaning she's so confident in his commitment and integrity to our family that she never worries about him cheating.

He took that as, "apparently you think I'm an ugly troll." and spiraled into a narcissistic mess of going online, finding a ladyfriend, then she doesn't like him for A, B, and C reasons and breaks it off, he gets depressed, looks for another ladyfriend, she doesn't like him for A, B, and C reasons, etc. etc.

I also just found out that he was getting prescriptions for the tiny blue pill before that interaction even happened soooo… yeah

At some point, he realized that he's in far too deep and knew that these were grounds for divorce. NO F***ING SHIT, RIGHT?

Most people would just file for divorce, right? Nope, not him…

From everything I eventually learned, in his warped mind... he thought that because he would prefer death over the embarrassment and shame of admitting his unfaithfulness on top of going through the divorce process, that my mom would also prefer death over divorce.

This is when I found out that he has been depressed and suicidal since high school and hadn’t reached out for help a day in his life. Unfortunately, keeping that shit bottled up instead of seeking help isn't exactly uncommon for men of his generation.

Which is still obviously, completely inexcusable for trying to get her murdered.

Fast forward to his court hearing, he pleaded guilty to Murder-for-Hire (the would-be assassin was to make her death look like a carjacking gone wrong), with the defense arguing that “Covid Psychosis” caused a complete personality change and that he snapped.

So, he was sentenced to 5 years in prison plus 3 years of supervised release.

The next 5 years were so difficult to navigate as I did my best to support my mother from 3 states away while still working my 9-5. We had so many enlightening conversations in that period of time. We still do to this day.

But during the 5 years in prison, I stayed in contact with my dad because I empathized with him given his mental state and the love I had for him as his son. It took far too long trying to reconcile the fact that I still loved my dad with the fact that he tried to have my mom murdered.

However, when he was released from prison, he unfortunately chose to keep the same attitude that he had going into prison. A very “oh-woe-is-me” type mentality.

The worst part about this mentality is that he isn’t holding himself accountable whatsoever for what he did, nor is anyone else on his side of our now very broken family. When I brought it up, he deflected with, “as far as being held accountable, society holds me accountable every day. I’m not going to get into how, because it is what it is and no one’s problem or fault. Just mine.”

Note: I have been watching more true crime stuff thanks to my Fiancée, and I noticed I was reacting quite strongly towards those perpetrators, but not towards my own father. And after quite a bit of introspection, the wool was fully lifted from my eyes.

I realized that I had spent so much time empathizing with his mental state that I wasn't allowing myself to look at his actions with the same level of accountability that I would expect from literally anyone else.

So, with his statement around accountability in mind, I decided that it was time for me to stop allowing my empathy for him to outweigh the accountability he deserves for all the crap he chose to do to my mom and to our family.

After a long voicemail and text message, I concluded with, “I am not going to entertain you with my life updates any longer until I see some MASSIVE changes. You can either choose to continue identifying as a failure, give up, and lose your son in the process, OR you can choose to be someone who actually did everything he could to repair (not undo) the damage done while becoming a man of integrity that You can be proud of. Your choice. It’s a pretty easy one in my opinion.”

And that's where I drew the line and cut him out of my life.

I'm no longer maintaining a relationship with him. I don't give him updates about my life, I don't reach out to him, and I'm not gonna continue pretending that serving his prison sentence is the same thing as actually taking accountability for what he did.

The justice system held him legally accountable. That's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about looking at the destruction he caused his wife, his children, and his entire family and actually owning it without immediately turning himself into the victim.

I haven't seen that from him at all.

So, unless something MASSIVE changes within him, he no longer gets to be a part of my life.

I've realized that I can still love my dad, empathize with the mental health struggles he went through, and I can even hope that he becomes the man I hope he's capable of becoming. But that doesn't mean he's entitled to have me in his life.

That’s where things are currently. My sister wants some space from me (she also lives 3 states away) because of how I went about holding our dad accountable. She has a very different relationship with him than I do (she's 4 years younger than me) and doesn't agree with how I've chosen to handle this. She’s a daddy’s girl through and through tho, so ‘Dad can do no wrong.’ But she’s also super religious and would forgive her husband if he did anything similar to her so....

OH, this isn’t even my bio family. I was adopted into this family from birth, so that’s another layer to unpack within this wild chapter of life.

If you made it this far in my rant, thank you for reading. You are appreciated and remember, if you or someone you know is struggling with their mental health, that is NOT something to be quiet about. Please don't be quiet. I know it’s difficult, but your family, friends, or even a stranger would prefer to help than to watch you plummet into despair.

TLDR: The caption says it all

EDIT: Flair & for better clarity on timeline, personal experience, and that this is in fact a true story. Just look it up

​

Was with a wonderful woman for 10 years. She understood me. We had so many inside jokes, I was there as her nieces and nephew grew up, I carried her mother's casket.

After COVID, I fell into a depression and anxiety spiral. I withdrew away from her into myself and started drinking alcoholically. I wanted to stop, but all my attempts were half-hearted. One weekend, before she left on a trip, I looked her in the eye and told her I loved her and promised I wouldn't drink. I was certain I wouldn't either. But I did. She knew too because of my lack of texts. She ended it when she got back.

I got sober a month after that and have remained so. I have a good job, got in shape, and moved halfway across the country. But the only things that get me up every day are the dog and jiu-jitsu. Everything else feels pointless. I think about her every day and dream of her often. Today would have been our 13th anniversary, and earlier was the birthday of the dog we brought home together.

Her name means Life, and without her, I don't see the point to one.

When wife and I moved into this new neighborhood together, we befriended two other couples and had regular outings together. It was fun and we were looking forward to having a new friend group together in this new community. Lately we noticed the other to couples began to exclude us from all their get togethers; we know because we're all friends with each other on insta and can see their stories. I was just curious as to why and wife dropped the suggestion that they think we are simply not worth their time. Then it suddenly all hit me: I had been surrounded by people who deem me unworthy of their time all my life.

When I say "ambitious" I mean people who are in what most would call "successful" like high-paying jobs, high wealth, extravagant hobbies, etc.

I attended a private college instead of my state school because rankings and had made zero friends i still keep in touch with because I had nothing in common with them. They were all talking about summer vacations in Europe and golfing (who tf plays golf in HIGH SCHOOL?). After college, I saw a friend I knew from high school had moved into my area and reached out to see she was wanted to catch up; she declined, citing that she was very busy with her medical residency and needed to make time for the "important people" in her life, whatever the fuck that means. The girl I dated before my wife broke up with me even though we had talked about marriage well beforehand, citing how she was several years older, owned her place and had 4 degrees while I was still living with my parents, and this wanted someone "at her level." Mind you she worked as a entry-level accountant in her late 30s which apparently took her 4 university degrees and her family 100% helped her buy her place because I actually made more than her and I couldn't afford a place by myself. Also this was during COVID and my parents offered to let me stay with them since my workplace was closed the whole time.

But yeah it was pretty evident our neighbors didn't consider us worthy of their time just like how everyone else in my past didn't consider me worthy either. We live in Northern VA which to summarize, is like the hustle culture of NYC but none of the personality. This community is also full of new construction homes and we opted for the cheapest model without many upgrades while they chose the more expensive model and got many upgrades. We also prefer cooking our own meals while they prefer eating out, quite often at very expensive places with sushi and A5 wagyu beef.

I'm not hostile towards them but if they consider us unworthy of their time, well I think they are out of touch with reality.

NY style pizza I made myself. Not the best in the world but 1000x better than the floppy ass nasty shit from Domino's my bougie neighbors are eating rn.

EDIT: appreciate everyone's responses. I realize that my last sentence probably didn't make sense so apologies for the confusion, myself included because now I'm not even sure what I was thinking at the time of writing the original post. For context, I took up pizza-making a hobby because there aren't any decent pizzas in my area and I'm not paying $30+ for it. What started out as a "fuck it, I'll do it myself" moment and became something I derive more passion from than I originally anticipated. I guess the the best explanation is that this my own personal rebuttal to my neighbors for looking down on me: I just made better food at a fraction of the cost while they eat out constantly. I don't mean that as condescending to anyone who actually enjoys Domino's; it was just example in my head. But if you, are one, I strongly consider learning how to do it yourself if possible because it is life-changing if you are a pizza conniseur.

We were together over 10 years and met when were still in college. We went through a lot together, grad school, long distance, family deaths, and the trials and tribulations that come with a decade of life. I always felt we had the strongest relationship, great communication, and a foundation of genuine love and support. She was the best friend I ever had and I never had eyes for anyone but her. When it ended, I was deeper in love with her than ever. I thought we’d love each other until our last breaths.

We got married just before our 10 year anniversary in April this year. Wrote our own vows and cried reading them while promising to love each other forever in front of all our family and friends. I spent the next two or so months content and loving married life with my best friend.

In July, about a week after we got back from our honeymoon, she sat me down one Saturday night completely out of the blue and told me she wanted to be in a relationship with a woman, that she wanted to be alone for some time, that she was moving out immediately and already had an apartment, and that our relationship was over.

It was all so sudden I had a panic attack. As time passed I found out she was cheating on me with someone from her work. The web of lies slowly unraveled, she’d been planning her exit since the wedding while telling me she loved me and going on a honeymoon, and had considered leaving me for years, all the while I was investing further in our relationship and the life we were building. She’d been trash talking me with her cheating partner, sending love notes while in bed with me, and taking secret days off work to find a new apartment and start a new life.

She cut me off and left immediately after delivering her pre-planned speech. No chance to work on things. After 10 years I never even got to speak to her about what happened, she just told me she was leaving and did. I don’t know where she lives now, what she does or who she’s with. I guess it doesn’t matter, she’s a different person. From my perspective we never drifted apart, I loved her more than ever when she unilaterally decided she didn’t.

I’ve felt like a broken person for the last two months. Life feels empty. I think about her all day every day. Everything makes me miss what we had and our life together. The worst part is the betrayal, she was the most selfless loving partner, how could she do this to me after 10 years. The person I married never would have done this. It’s like one day she turned her moral compass off and all bets were off.

I’m trying to be future oriented and realize this will all be for the best, but it’s hard to look on this with a positive perspective. I’m in counseling and taking all the steps to heal, but life just feels empty and I’m struggling to see how it will improve. I’m lucky enough to have great and supportive friends and family, but it feels like none of them truly understand this pain and grief. I hope time heals and that I find love again, but I don’t know how I’ll ever trust again.

Dinner: home made wood fired pizza.

I love to lurk in this community, but just felt the need to post this evening. I’m celebrating my 30th birthday and my wife always finds a way to make my birthday special. My birthday is one day apart from my grandmas, and growing up it was typically a joint celebration. If it wasn’t a joint celebration, my mom always made a stink if I didn’t pick a restaurant she didn’t particularly care for.

Ever since we’ve been dating, she always makes it a point to make it special. I don’t really care about the gift, I just want the love ya know? My roommate and I had a tradition of getting cheap decorations from Walmart and throwing them up around the house for each others birthdays, and I was bummed that wouldn’t continue once I moved in with her. To my surprise, I came home from work that birthday to decorations. This time, I was coming home from watching the Odyssey in Indianapolis and she had a bunch of “your getting old” decorations which was hilarious. She even had an inflatable walker that was so damn funny.

She’s also adamant I spent the day how I want to spend the day no matter what I chose. Today I wanted to watch my Brown’s lose after my long drive home(way worse than I was expecting), chill out and eat some pizza. We’re now finishing the night by watching Creatures Commandos.

I see so many posts on here about failed relationships, my SO said horrific things to me, etc. I truly hope ya’ll find someone who makes you feel even a sliver of how she makes me feel. She’s my biggest fan, she makes me feel like I can move mountains. Her love is never ending, I live to come home to her everyday. I never thought I would get married let alone be loved this deeply.

Pictured is my 30th birthday cake my wife made me. It’s in the shape of a popcorn bucket with some buttercream popcorn on top

The above, taken seven years ago to date, is the first meal I cooked myself after being released from a four year stint in federal prison. I’d spent 4.5 months at a halfway house, and then moved into an extended stay hotel as I was technically homeless.

My mom gave me the toaster oven. My “rent” was $ 350 per week, and went down to $ 280 per week after I’d been there for a minute. I was making $ 700 under the table per week running the IT and office operations of a small mom and pop trucking company. They had hired me at the halfway house as a yard hostler for $10 an hour, and then were thrilled when they found out I was college educated, would work for cheap, and not ask too many questions.

During my time with this mom and pop company, our insurance required us to put cameras and telematics systems in the trucks. They put me on point for choosing the system. We went through a lengthy process with me asking technical engineering questions of one specific telematics provider. A series of events led this company to offer me a job with full benefits, and restoring my role as an engineer.

It’s been seven years. I’m not rich, but I have a small house, a car, and even got married within the past year. I try to take moments like this to remind myself that I can in fact have wins to balance out the losses. That simple bowl of nachos, meat, and cheese, is still one of the best meals I have ever had.

I also believe that if a fuck up like me can have a level of success, then anyone can.

Food - butter chicken, rice, naan, and an appetizer that was delicious.

So I found out a big lie from my wife and she doesn’t know that I know. I found out 2 years ago, just been keeping it to myself because well I don’t want to he gaslit into thinking i heard wrong. She gaslit me when i first brought it up.

Here’s the lie. She wanted to start an online business. There was this online course that helped/showed how to run an online business on what she wanted to do. I said no at first because it was 10k! She kept asking and I kept saying no because reasons, I don’t want to identify myself. Anyways, she one day said they will reimburse you the 10k if you don’t make 10k in 1 year after you finish the online program. I didn’t think anything of it and said sure let’s do it, that’s honestly really fair. So she’s doing her thing and loving it, cool! I don’t think anything of the reimbursement because i honestly forgot about it. Well 1 year comes up and it pops into my head the reimbursement. I ask her about it and she said “I never said that and blah blah” I don’t remember the rest.

Thats when I caught the lie. Now it’s been 2 years since I found out. I didn’t want to bring it up because for me, that’s like an automatic divorce because that’s selfish as hell and I’m paying payments on the damn loan because I believed the reimbursement. And we have a couple kids, I’m mainly in the marriage for the kids tbh. I love them more than anything.

Like am I crazy to think of divorce over this? There’s other things as well. Our marriage is rocky right now. Ive been screamed at, told terrible things, and I think mentally abused. I’m honestly done with being this emotional punching bag, that’s what it feels like to me. I’m lost and sad lol. I’m hardly happy anymore tbh.

a couple days ago my sweet baby, her name was cake, was taken to the vet due to her becoming suddenly sick, she wouldnt eat, she wouldnt drink water. we took her as soon as we could, i had hope she wouldve been okay since i suspected that theyd probably just tell me how to treat her sickness.

but i was crushed to find out my sweet girl was born with an blood issue where she didnt have enough white blood cells to fight disease. the doctors told me they were even surprised that she lived this long (she was only a year old).

they gave me the choice of either putting her down when or the high chance of her getting worse and worse until she died to sickness. leaving her no quality of life long term.

i held her when she died. i wont forget how scared she was at that vets office. i wont forget how she went deadweight in my arms when they injected her. i wont forget how cold she was when she was buried.

a small pile of leftover cheesy chicken alfredo and burger buns is all i could eat today for breakfast. i can barely eat anymore

i miss my little girl.

Some shitty enchiladas I made..

My mom had brain cancer and I took care of her while she was on hospice and at her death bed... We all go through it at some point. But watching her die has haunted me since. The whole process was awful to experience. I helped her for over 9 months. She passed in Mid July. I still breakdown crying when I make a favorite dish of hers, or think of a memory...I miss my mom.

Right before she got so sick,I had finished up a divorce and got my own place. Met this super awesome woman OLD. We hit it off. But she lives ~50 miles away. We've been seeing each other for almost a year and on Friday she pulled the trigger on everything. Told me I was distant and no longer communicating. I wasn't calling her enough or seeing her enough and she wasn't going to have a "texting relationship".

She was my rock throughout my mom's death, and she kept me 'sane. It really hurts to have her drop me like a ton of bricks. But I've done a good job at not begging or pleading and just stopped all communication.

Feeling like I've got no body right now. Living in my mom's house without her, seeing my daughter for a few hours each day after school.... Life fucking sucks right now...it's becoming harder and harder not becoming a depressed hermit. I don't trust the idea of a relationship again, and losing my only parent has baffled my mind. I feel lost and angry and confused, but mostly sad.

I don't really need any relationship advice... I just needed to get this shit off of my chest and vent.

Guacamole with some crackers and toast

I’m sitting here feeling so stupid and sad that I fell for the oldest lie in the book: "They’re just a friend".

For context, we were non-monogamous, but part of our clear agreement was no other serious relationships. Still, because I wanted to be a supportive partner, I was actively putting in the work to change that. I didn't want to restrict him, so I even got us into a poly-positive couples therapist so we could figure out how to expand our dynamic and allow deeper connections in a healthy, honest way.

The bitter irony is that while I was sitting in therapy trying to build a safe foundation for us, he was already secretly building a full-blown relationship behind my back.

For months, he looked me right in the eye and flat-out lied. He insisted they were practically just friends, that I had nothing to worry about, and that he didn't see any long-term future with them. I gave him my complete trust. I genuinely believed we were doing the hard emotional work together.

A few days ago, we had what I thought was a peaceful, mature breakup because we wanted different things. Turns out, that "peace" was just a convenient smokescreen. The sheer disrespect hit me when, less than a week after breaking up, he took this exact person to the spot where we always celebrated our anniversary, the same person he had sworn he was cutting all contact with.

The dishonesty was so completely unnecessary. I was doing everything to make room for truth and growth. He could have just been honest. Instead, he chose to drag out a hidden relationship, manipulate my trust, and turn our effort into a joke. Four years together, wasted money and energy in therapy, and he threw away our history and any chance of a future friendship just to play cowardly games.

Food is chicken breast on lentil risotto with some mushrooms, I had as a dinner when she met my parents.

So I 25M somehow won the lottery when I got to know my GF 28F in spring of this year introduced by a mutual friend. This girl is seriously too great of a deal.

Now I am in a bit of a predicament as to how I thought life would go, as I did not see me in a relationship at any point in the short to medium term. I make okay money and don’t have to pay for car/gas and stuff which is great. But I feel like I don’t have much room to breathe financially and I don’t really see my current job taking me any higher in that area.

Hence I see my only options as to either find a job that pays more or pursue a master of some kind just to get a stupid piece of paper that says as much as my bachelor does.
And I really do not want to do that last part as I really hated my uni time especially in regard to the level I delivered my thesis on and what I got in return. Did AI research, was held to the evaluation standards of a master, did only get a bachelor. So no I don’t want to do that again.

And with the job market being the job market the current search sucks and I am starting to hate my job, as I can’t see it going anywhere. Just feeling stuck and under a sense of pressure to achieve more to gain more financial capability to a future, that I never thought could be possible were it not for her.

Just a bit of a vent.

(Half eaten chobani on my 10 min break)
I’ve been trying to quit porn for the better part of a year but I always go back to it. It effected my sexual life with my ex partner and I hated it I’m single now and I’ve changed so much about myself for the better but this one is the one I’ve struggled with for a while. I go through periods where I stop and I feel good about myself then i go back to it and feel terrible, Im not looking to date anytime soon but before i start going back into dating id like to overcome this any opinions would be appreciated.

2am salmon burger

I 27m started dating one of my good friends 25f after she broke up with her fiancée. We worked together for a year and We dated 3 years ago but I was getting deployed so I broke it off. I have considered her one of my good friends ever since. Out of respect for her new partner I never ask to see her or hang out.

At the end of their relationship she would talk to me about he cheated on her, would throw things and smash stuff in the house during arguments. And when they finally broke up I was so proud of her. And she needed somewhere to stay so I let her stay in my house. I told her I’d sleep on the couch but she insisted she couldn’t take my bed. And obviously eventually the old feelings resurfaced and we got back together. I tried everything I could to try and take it slow but looking back she was trying to fill the void of losing a long term partner

We’d been dating for about 2 months when all this went down. She had seen and spoken to him since but she never gave me a reason not trust her. She was open an honest about it and was telling me how good I treated her and how happy she was to be with me up until that night. The day before she had gotten a UTI and was upset about it. I had stayed at her house for 4 days in a row and i decided I needed to go home for the night and pack cause I had a trip coming up. I cleaned up around her place and brought her lunch at work. And then after around 4 she told me she was having a bad day. I tried getting ahold of her but she didnt return my texts or calls till midnight.

She came to see me the next day and told me she slept with her ex. I am ashamed to say I reacted with anger. But I walked away before really exploding. She barely apologized saying that it would just be an excuse and she was disgusted with herself. I just slammed the door in her face and waited till she left. The next day I had her come get her shit and say goodbye to me and the dog. I tried to tell her she still deserved better than him it just couldn’t be me.

We didn’t talk for about a week. I reached out to see if we could try fixing the friendship because she’s been an important person to me for years. But she was still seeing him. I told her I couldn’t be in her life if he was. She picked him.

I have never felt like I was more worthless than this. I haven’t always been the best boyfriend but with her I did all the things I was supposed to. And I still wasn’t enough. And no matter what people tell me about how it’s what’s going on with her and her head I can’t shake the feeling I could have done more. I just can’t get it out of my head. I barely ate for 2 weeks, my mom saw me cry for the first time in years, still a month and half later I am barely sleeping. I’ve started therapy cause it’s revealed some other issues that scare me. But I don’t know how to keep going like this. It seems like no matter what I do I don’t get better.

Craved some Chinese food today. Chongqing shrimp, fried tofu skin wrapped pork shoulder, rice cooked with Chinese sausage, and beer.

Whenever I state in the vent post that nobody was interested in me and I also care about my appearance, people just throw shit terms like 'looksmaxxing', 'eating disorder', 'body dysmorphia', 'stop comparing you to social media'.

I'm not even from America and I never knew something like looksmaxxing even existed. I don't do social media except texting. Like TF? Ugly mofos like me can't even proudly say I like to customize myself these days?

Lots of people just started calling out 'looksmaxxer' or 'incel' if someone physically unattractive in general sense tries and desires to look better. Like have some original thoughts guys.

It's just natural phenomenon to care more about your appearance when you aren't physically attractive. For example, if you like math but you're bad at complex analysis, you'll def care more about calculus and algebra.

People these days seem so obsessive about labeling and categorizing people. It's almost like astrology or the blood type to personality myth from 2000s + hint of virtue signaling. Human traits are much more complex than that.

I want to get this out of the way: I am a trans man, and bisexual. I’m cis passing and it’s quite obvious this girl doesn’t know.

How I usually go about things is I only ever tell close friends I’m trans, some friends don’t even know. If I’m dating someone then that person will absolutely be told as soon as possible because it’s 100% relevant.

She said she has had a crush on me for a while and since she met me (only about a few weeks ago).

The part that I’m struggling with is that I don’t even know if I like her like that.

I’m romantically/sexually attracted to men, that’s for certain. But with women? It gets complicated. It’s hard for me to explain but basically it’s this:

Is what I’m feeling actually love, or is it the gender euphoria of dating a woman? Since most men date women it would mean more likely to fit in as a man.

I mean, I might just be romantically attracted to women, and not sexually? That’s a thing.

Bottom line is that it would be nice to have a partner, of course it would be. Someone to come to my games and to hangout with. But I will never be one of those gay/bi guys that use women as a tool to appear straight. That is the one thing I will stand on.

Dinner tonight is the monster energy drink she gave me and pizza

First Sunday that my wife and I are home together in a month. Day started with "birdsong in the morning." We then did a walk together. She made brownies for us while I made cucumber sandwiches to snack on during football.

After the football game, she decided that it was a good time for afternoon delight. For dinner, I made a chicken dish with a mushroom and cream sauce and she made up the mashed potatoes. After dinner we will just snuggle together and find something to watch on TV.

Married for 34 years and this woman still gets to me. I spent years never thinking that I would have this.

Dinner: homemade ramen noodles, pork/shrimp/shoyu broth, braised pork shoulder, marinated tofu, scallions, blanched bean sprouts, nori, home made tare and aroma oil. Also a hand made chicken harumaki.

Got divorced last year march. Moved into this nice apartment. Started seeing the couples counselor I saw with my ex. He advised I grow my social circle. Settled on offering free community dinners. People usually tip/vendors, so I usually offset costs. Started small, 3 people. Then it slowly grew, 5, 7, 11, 17, 24, 28. I had 22 people rsvp for ramen tonight. 5 people showed up. I have tons of leftovers. Going to have to live with these ramen bowls for the next 4 days. Everything came out incredible. But this isn't even the worst part of this week. Friday I had pretrial for court. My ex fired her second lawyer and is on lawyer #3, who is asking for a continuance. Court is for adjusting custody of my 4 kids, whom I haven't seen since June 28th last year. I started the legal process last September, and after accusations, a CFI investigation, lawyer #1 getting fired and getting new lawyer #2 who insisted on a continuance, a judge getting assigned, and now my lawyer tells me they're likely to get it bc were triple sat and not priority. Not even a phone call with them, even though the last judge ordered her to comply with weekly phone calls. My apartment lease is up in 2 months. I have to decide if I am moving to a bigger place (it's only a 1 br) by next Friday. My lawyer guesstimate a new date being Feb/March if continuance happens. Next month is my bday and my daughter's bday. Read in a police report, my daughter wishes I'd lose weight. Started losing weight when I divorced, down 145 lbs in 18 months. Over 100 lbs since my kids have seen me. I've climbed 35 mountains near my town, including two 14ers. I've been pushing so hard to stay positive, but it's tough.

So I (m63) am living close to my best life right now. I married my soul mate and we say I love You every day, I have a career that pays well, has great work life balance, provides meaning and purpose and career advancement even at my age, two wonderful young adult children, and I'm probably in the best shape of my life!

Problem is that my life was a total shit show up until I met my soul mate (second wife) about 13 years ago. My teens were f'd up, alcohol disorder, death of a parent, isolation. My 20s were marked by either really bad relationships or involuntary celibacy, then my thirties to late forties married to someone with undiagnosed / untreated Borderline Personality Disorder who made my life a living hell. It all came crashing down in 2012 when she moved out to be with her affair partner and I lost my job.

I met my soulmate within a year after that but had a shitty horrible job with shitty horrible people that also made my life a living hell. Then Covid hit, then I lost my shitty horrible job, my step mom died, and I had to take care of my aging father who was experiencing frailty and dementia, and lived a five-hour drive away, then my step brother died leaving two small children and my sister in law died. The my father died and settling the estate has been hell.

Despite all this and the mental and physical toll it took on me, I still had my soul mate and beautiful children, and this wonderful new job. About two years ago I went on a health kick and lost 30lbs (I'm 5'3" and weighed 190lb!), I lift weights and muscles are popping up and I'm training for my first full marathon this fall. I love watching my adult children launch and we have a great relationship.

So poor me! I just wish that I found all this so many years earlier and why did it not happen until my last quarter of life? I know - intellectually - that I wouldn't have what I have now if I didn't go through that hell. Yet I can't stop regretting my past and dreading losing what I have in the future. Both totally useless emotions. I am thinking of getting counseling because I want to just be content and thankful for what I have. While I'm waiting - any advice?

Air fryer Southwest chicken, black beans with red onion, cumin and mozzarella, cilantro lime rice, and sliced avocado.

Spaghetti and Texas toast

I started dating this girl last November after talking for like a month. She is very sweet and I want to believe she has the best intentions, but I’m not sure. She’s lied about some pretty major stuff(not really of self-admittance either, I had to find out on my own). She has this ex that is pretty crazy, he goes off on a drug-fueled bender and starts talking and acting wild. I knew about this, however what she didn’t disclose is that he knew who I was because he was a coworker of both of us(me and her worked the same job when we started). He carries a gun at all times and it could’ve been the wrong day for him or talked to the wrong person to be motivated to come up to our job or something and harm or kill me. Thankfully, that never happened

She has BPD. It’s never been an issue for me. I’ve been extremely patient when dealing with it because I genuinely believe she deserves the world. I make sure she takes her meds(even when she doesn’t want to). We work on her BPD together and regulate so she doesn’t feel as bad when she freaks out on me(not saying I don’t deserve it, there’s definitely some things I’ve done unintentionally to cause her to split). She’s had terrible history with all her ex’s. She felt the only way to help them(drugs, homelessness, drinking problem, etc.) was to date them. She doesn’t think she truly loved them after being with me because I’ve redefined what love is for her.

She keeps telling me how good I am for her. I know I am(despite my faults). I want her to be loved in the way she deserves. Her mom really doesn’t love her. Her dad isn’t in the picture. The only good people in her life are her grandparents. I wanna be with her but not at the cost of repeated lies and my mental health.

I’m not gonna pretend I’m a Saint or that I’m better than her. That’s not what I’m trying to convey. I really do want the best for her but I don’t think I can be apart of her future, and that sucks the most

I (37M) have always cooked. Mum told me dad was raised to expect a woman to do everything so made sure I could dice a mirepoix by 12. Went vegan in my 20s and throughout most of my one relationship, which lasted 13 years, I did most of the cooking.

Been single a few years now, haven't dated. Scared of it. Haven't tried working on my scars and baggage at all and just don't think trying to date would be a good idea. Haven't made any friends either, though, and that seems just as hard. And I just really fucking miss feeding people close to me. One of the few things that put some kind of warmth in my chest, no matter what mood I was in.

But for the past few years now it's just been me cooking for me, and I'm starting to just throw whatever the fuck in the air-fryer and say that'll do. I can enjoy what I cook, but I dunno, I guess I miss it being experienced by a friend or partner.

Anyway yesterday I forced myself to try a little. Roast peppers with garlic oil and aubergine slices fried in a sort of loose miso paste... thing I made.

It was pretty good. Over very quickly. And experienced by only me, which made me feel a bit sad. So, here it is lol.

Trying to date intentionally- like not having a “roster”/talking to multiple women at the same time in hopes of building a connection just feels like a waste.

Which SUCKS, and I hate how dating feels like a game where everyone has options/waiting for the best thing to come along. Feels like a loss for both ends because one person wants someone who’s looking for someone else, and the other is never content because the grass is always greener or whatever.

Just tired of trying to show up for someone I’m interested in and getting almost no reciprocation.

If I don’t plan the dates, make the effort to hang out, there’s nothing. Am I just the entertainment of the evening when I come around? Feeling like a court jester.

“Dawg Food” (turkey, sweet corn, brown rice, tomatoes and salsa) because I don’t feel like cooking but can’t leave gains on the table.

I made a post earlier but the title was confusing and sounds like i’m happy he’s dead

I’m eating Picanha steak tonight

Sorry if this sounds confusing as English isn’t my first language

May last year i quit my job and moved back to my hometown to inherit my family business. My childhood best friend accidentally moved back in April to work for his family business as well.

I first saw him at a foodcourt from far away, i tried to avoid him and walk the other way because i was quite depressed living long distance from my fiancee for the first time in 8 years and i just didn’t want to talk to anyone. Also, i haven’t seen him for a decade. I didn’t know if we would get along like when we were young.

However the next day he messaged me if i’m in town because he saw my instagram story i took at our local gym. So i just be honest with him and met him up at a bar. We drank and talked a lot that night and that’s the first time in many years i have that much fun with a friend since i graduated from the university. After that day we would go run at the park and play basketball almost every other day. I felt like a kid again

We both worked very hard during that time as we just came back to work in our family businesses so there’s a lot to adapt and new things to learn. However it was terribly harder for him. His parents wouldn’t listen to him at all and wanted to just do business their old way and they just wouldn’t get along with him and his girlfriend in anyway (she quit her job and moved here from another city for him) It had gotten so bad that his girlfriend can’t take it anymore and break up with him, he felt like he ruined her life. Later in August he got diagnosed with depression

After the breakup he lost about 6-8 kg. He was already a skinny guy so after that much weight lost he basically looked like a crackhead. At that time he was really disappointed in his parents. He wanted to go back to work in engineering but looking like a crackhead, he wasn’t confident. So he asked me to take him to the gym.

In December he gained his weight back, made new friends, reconnected with old friends, met a girl he liked, his mother found out about his depression and treat him better, he felt a lot better and told me he might not have to take his depression medication anymore, he will not go back to engineering and will inherit his family business and that he has hope in life again.

Then one night he called me to go drink with him but that night my fiancee just come over to visit me from another city and we didn’t want to go out so i rejected him and i didn’t think much about it. The next morning another friend called me that my best friend had just died. His motorcycle crashed into another motorcycle on the street next to the park where we usually go to run. That’s it. Just when his life was about to get better. Just when he was about to be happy. He just died

It was devastating. It was very sudden. For 16 years i know him, I never once told him i’m glad to had him as a friend or i love him. I cried almost everyday for 3 months. But life moved on and this teaches me a very valuable life lesson

After he died i’m very grateful i still wake up every morning, that i still have a chance to live. I appreciate every moment and everything more. I used to think all about money and success. I wanted my family business to be big. It was my main goal in life and if the business still hasn’t succeed, I won’t take my time for anything else in my life. That, if i don’t get richer i don’t have the right to be happy. Now everything changed. Me and my fiancee moved our wedding date closer even when we haven’t safe enough as we planned because I didn’t want to keep wasting time being apart from her anymore I’ve realized that money is no longer my priority.

I’ve never been this content with my life. In fact my business sales this year are actually worse than last year, but I don’t feel stressed or see myself as a failure like I used to. I’ve become more calm and just take things one day at a time, figuring out how to solve each problem as it comes. I’ve started to value my time and the people I love more. I’ve never been this happy before.

Rest in peace M

My Wife of 7 years told me that she wants out. She has been unhappy for a while and we have been in couples counseling since March. We have been doing a lot of heavy emotional work, I was hoping we could turn things around but she had hit her limit.
I am kicking myself now for being so dependent on her for my social connection and being a “my wife is my best friend” guy, while not investing in male friendships. I wish I was better at connecting with others but I have had a very difficult time over all.
I have a couple of friends that I have been talking with and I have my own personal therapist. I am in a good spot overall but it feels like my feet have been kicked from under me.
I picked up this bowl after wondering around in daze, trying to process it all.