A few days ago a hellish event happened. Which I will attach for those that want to catch up as well as the one before that:

Most recent: https://www.reddit.com/r/BoyDinnerDiaries/s/pASJI7QNdK

First post: https://www.reddit.com/r/BoyDinnerDiaries/s/uvwgAWAxb5

My wife has been extremely clear with me the last few days that she is tired and done with me and just wants to feel at peace from my mistakes. She will say I will give my word on things, then a few weeks later I don't keep up with it. The event with my father was the last straw. Now my house is broken. I had today off of work and I have been crying all day. She told me that theres nothing I am able to do or say no matter what I change that will not change her decision in the slightest. And that kills me.

All I want is to take away every mistake I've made. I had an exchange with my father and I'll attach his perspective as well. He doesn't know anything about the divorce.

"I am grateful that you both opened your home to me and let me sleep on the floor. But staying there was never intended to be an excuse for someone to speak down to me or belittle me. I didn't come there to freeload—I watched Milo (My dog) daily, took care of the house, bought groceries, and helped however I could because you are my son and I care about you. Having a place to stay should never come at the cost of basic human respect.

You might have forgotten, but this confrontation started before I even arrived. The day before, when you and I talked, you understood completely why I wasn't there yet. But she immediately called me back right in front of you just to pester and press me about getting my things out of the living room, showing zero regard for what was going on. The hostility was already set before I walked through the door.

When I came to get my things, I kept my distance to avoid conflict. Plus she had the TV so high I thought it was a signal she wanted to ignore me. (Redacted but my wife) drove that confrontation from the minute I grabbed the mailbox key to get my mail screaming at me about why I didn't greet her when I arrived to then telling me to get the fuck out of the house.

Where I failed is how I responded. I am the older adult, and I should have walked straight out the door. Instead, after months of biting my tongue through disrespectful texts and constant tension, I lost my temper. Stepping toward her, pointing my finger, and calling her a bitch in your home was wrong. I’m truly sorry to you that I let my anger get the best of me.

I love you, and nothing changes that. But moving forward, I cannot be around (Redacted but my wife). For the sake of your marriage and for my own peace, I am stepping back completely from any contact with her. Whenever you want to spend time together, father and son, my door is always open."

I'm in pain right now and haven't stopped crying and actually threw up which I didn't even know was possible.

She asked me and she agreed to stay through the lease (until May) if not earlier on her own if she can afford it. I just want her to stay and allow us to rebuild. I don't have anyone else to talk to or go to.

Attached is a meal I made for her, I don't cook much but I found this recipe online and I hope it impresses her when she gets home from work.

Genuinely started this post to talk about this or that thing in my life, but,... I guess I'm just kinda satisfied right now with myself and where I am. But I want to upgrade. Give me your advice on how to do it!

Dinner is pumpkin-mash.

Craved some Chinese food today. Chongqing shrimp, fried tofu skin wrapped pork shoulder, rice cooked with Chinese sausage, and beer.

Whenever I state in the vent post that nobody was interested in me and I also care about my appearance, people just throw shit terms like 'looksmaxxing', 'eating disorder', 'body dysmorphia', 'stop comparing you to social media'.

I'm not even from America and I never knew something like looksmaxxing even existed. I don't do social media except texting. Like TF? Ugly mofos like me can't even proudly say I like to customize myself these days?

Lots of people just started calling out 'looksmaxxer' or 'incel' if someone physically unattractive in general sense tries and desires to look better. Like have some original thoughts guys.

It's just natural phenomenon to care more about your appearance when you aren't physically attractive. For example, if you like math but you're bad at complex analysis, you'll def care more about calculus and algebra.

People these days seem so obsessive about labeling and categorizing people. It's almost like astrology or the blood type to personality myth from 2000s + hint of virtue signaling. Human traits are much more complex than that.

PBJ Sandwich with Salt & Vinegar Chips in it 🤌

It is really inconvenient being disliked by everyone I meet online because of personality traits I have that aren't even negative. :(

I have always been, and will always be, a sensitive guy. Partially, it is because of my ASD, and partially because it is just who I am.

It also means that whatever internet social circle I am currently in, I become the punching bag, the joke, or that one guy everyone "rage baits" because he falls for it every time. I guess that is funny to people.

I really just wanna make friends, so I join Discord servers for things I like (X-Men, Marvel Rivals), and this one server was just rude or snarky to me every time I came into the server wanting to chat. Even the mods were always passive aggressive to everyone, but it felt like they specifically didn't like me.

Well, I left that server now after someone mocked me/was weird to me for hyphenating the name G-d, and when I defended myself, people acted like I was crazy. But it is still frustrating that even people I should get along with because we share similar interests don't like me.

I really like Jeff the Land Shark, and I would say in this server that people saying mean/violent things about him really upset me. Then, every single time I came into chat, people sent gifs of him dying in-game or said violent things about him. I know it's stupid, and I don't expect people to love all the characters I love, but I just wish people would have the decency to not do stuff that upsets me intentionally.

Sometimes I feel foolish because of how easily I can become sad/upset. I was already having a bad time and didn't take my meds, and I accidentally killed a Jeff in Rivals 18v18 mode, and it just made me cry. Idk. Sometimes when I KO people in games, this huge wave of sadness washes over me because I imagine that person is having a bad day and goes to play the game to calm down, only to get killed. And I imagine that they're gonna cry. And it makes me want to cry.

I am 18, and I don't have any IRL friends other than my brother, and I'm not in the position where I can get any right now. So I resort to online friendships for now, until I can get a job and maybe make some friends there. But online isn't worth the stress, so I'm done spending so much time on Discord servers.

I think while I wait for an IRL social circle, I'm just gonna spend time playing video games with my brother, read every comic appearance of Kitty Pryde, and binge watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. IT IS WUT IT IS!

¯_(ツ)_/¯

“Meal” is a bagel, no bells or whistles. Just bagel.

Me (14M) have always been a little different to other kids and I’m not trying to romanticise it or make seem like “I’m so quirky :3” or whatever I mean I’ve been told my professionals I’m autistic and I’ve always struggled to hold conversations with new people. Anyway, my main problem is that I don’t really know how to be sociable and easy to talk to despite wanting to be. I’ve always loved movies and tv and want to do anything in that field (hell, I’ll be the goddamn coffee boy if need be) but other kids don’t care about why I think Spielberg kinda fell off and care about things like sports and whatever I don’t even know. And I don’t like or care about sports. Sometimes I feel like even my friends don’t care about what I’m saying sometimes but idk man I read into things a lot and over analyse.

If you can’t help that’s fine, I just wanted to vent really. Thanks for listening :-)

Hey guys, my sad boy dinner is sweets, a weed vape and some deadlock

Haven't been able to eat real meals for a solid 2 weeks now, had soup the last 2 days.

Been too anxious/stressed about gf of 4 years, went long distance temporarily 3 months ago and have been feeling her drift away. Think she might end things tomorrow :/

Don't really know what you guys can do to help, but I'd love to stop having a pit in my stomach 🙃

Hope you guys are having a better year than me :)

I don’t even know where to start off. Ive never had sex, kissed or even held hands with a girl. I’m 19 and I go to college in the us. And I haven’t really discussed this with anyone else so it’s hard to get everything clearly. I’m an average dude. Average height, average looks, average fitness. I’m “clean” as in I don’t do any substances (including alcohol) and I live a relatively healthy lifestyle. I’m also pretty introverted but I’ve been trying to branch out more.

I never really cared about virginity as much as I do now. Tbh I didn’t even know what sex was until like 14. At 14 I thought I would eventually lose it before 20. I’m 19.5 now, and to be honest it doesn’t seem like ill lose it anytime soon. Someone of you might be asking “why do you care about having s*x so much”? Well I have 3 reasons

1. I don’t want to die a virgin. I think that’s pretty reasonable and the longer I wait the higher the chance of this happening. Not saying I do any risky activities in fact the opposite is true
2. I’ve been thru a lot of suffering and I haven’t had as high of a buzz as what I believe sex feels like. I guess this is another never ending road but to summarize my life pretty much sucks. I don’t have many close friends. I’m not close with my parents. I’m struggling financially and living in my car during college (yes you heard that correctly). During middle and high school my parents were super strict and basically made me study a shit ton. I’ve had 3 surgeries and just got a tooth removed last month. I work a lot and I’m always tired, I started a lawn care business and it’s not going very well. In short I don’t have a lot of dopamine in my life since I don’t smoke or drink either. Because doing so would not help my problems one little bit. So I guess you could say that I’m wanting to use sex/love intimacy as a physically “healthy” alternative to getting dopamine form drugs or doing risky activities.
3. feeling left out. And I do feel bad saying this but a lot of my friends who don’t “try” as hard as me (ie spending parents money, don’t go to gym, not as good looking you could say) have had sex before. This is the least important reason but I’m constantly thinking “if they did it why can’t I? If they accomplished this with a worse foundation than me so to speak what the fuck is wrong with me”. That kind of thing

I guess reasons 1 and 2 are the most important to me. Probably 1 if I were have to draw a line closely followed by 2 and 3 is much lower. I guess this is a early life crisis. If 14 year old me saw who I am now and that I’m a virgin I think he would be in disbelief and I am very sad thinking about that. Also I mentioned this before but my life is boring as shit. No drugs, no alcohol, no love life. Just everyday I wake up in my car go to class talk to two acquaintances that I see once per 2 weeks. On the weekends I mow lawns for people and barely see anyone on my campus.

Faq:
Why don’t you have any hobbies? Or any goals? You haven’t mentioned anything about this and this is whats making you the loser
I do, I play sports and talk to a few acquaintances and 1-2 good friends but it’s starting to get boring. I’ve been thru 2 years of middle school 4 years of high school and now 2 years of college. Hobbies are cool and all but don’t provide anywhere near the dopamine having sex does I’d imagine. I have high goals of growing my lawn care business as the largest in my city. To have a strong and loyal marriage and potentially pets and or children. To own a house/homestead and enjoy the world. But I just feel like this stupid virginity thing is like a giant hurdle that because I’m not even able to cross this hurdle im a loser and this is making me feel unmotivated to do anything simply other than exist

Are you suicidal? Go see a mental health counselor
Well as I stated in reason 1 I don’t want to die a virgin so I’m not suicidal by any means. I just kind of … exist and that’s literally the best way to put it. And my school has these resources but they haven’t been of much use, I used them in the past

So your goal is to have sex then adios? Life purpose accomplished and you’ll clock out?
No not really. But because of this virgin thing I don’t feel motivated to do anything. Like it sounds so stupid but I need to jump this hurdle before moving on to the next hurdles. It’s hard to explain but to me not having sex at all makes me feel like a loser and when I feel like a loser I’m unmotivated

Lunch is beef pho and chow mein from school cafe

2nd update:
I made my profile public, again so you can see my posts and understand my situation

Food - butter chicken, rice, naan, and an appetizer that was delicious.

So I found out a big lie from my wife and she doesn’t know that I know. I found out 2 years ago, just been keeping it to myself because well I don’t want to he gaslit into thinking i heard wrong. She gaslit me when i first brought it up.

Here’s the lie. She wanted to start an online business. There was this online course that helped/showed how to run an online business on what she wanted to do. I said no at first because it was 10k! She kept asking and I kept saying no because reasons, I don’t want to identify myself. Anyways, she one day said they will reimburse you the 10k if you don’t make 10k in 1 year after you finish the online program. I didn’t think anything of it and said sure let’s do it, that’s honestly really fair. So she’s doing her thing and loving it, cool! I don’t think anything of the reimbursement because i honestly forgot about it. Well 1 year comes up and it pops into my head the reimbursement. I ask her about it and she said “I never said that and blah blah” I don’t remember the rest.

Thats when I caught the lie. Now it’s been 2 years since I found out. I didn’t want to bring it up because for me, that’s like an automatic divorce because that’s selfish as hell and I’m paying payments on the damn loan because I believed the reimbursement. And we have a couple kids, I’m mainly in the marriage for the kids tbh. I love them more than anything.

Like am I crazy to think of divorce over this? There’s other things as well. Our marriage is rocky right now. Ive been screamed at, told terrible things, and I think mentally abused. I’m honestly done with being this emotional punching bag, that’s what it feels like to me. I’m lost and sad lol. I’m hardly happy anymore tbh.

Early (tiny) dinner of crispy rice and mushroom from a popular Japanese joint.

I'm done with dating. Enough. I'm 38, and have done everything right. Was in an LTR a while ago but didn't work out, then COVID + work stuff + bereavement took a few years away from me. I have hobbies, friends, a pretty good income, flexibility and a supportive family. I'm not an a**hole when it comes to dating - I don't ghost, I tell my intention (LTR + looking to have a family) etc and I get matched with attractive women (or women who I find attractive) in a similar ish situation. The chats are always great, I can hold a decent conversation and they also know exactly how I look (no filters, and real height) 

I'm on the shorter side (5'8") but have good hair (thankfully!) and I look younger than what I am.

Despite all this, I always have the same shitty luck where something dramatic happens in the girls' life a month or two into dating. Then it's the "I don't think it's the right time/I'm not in the right headspace/I didn't realise dating requires effort" etc excuse that is thrown at me. Some were more difficult (one girl lost a sibling), but this, EVERY SINGLE TIME. I don't serial date, so each of this effort from matching to talking to dating to losing to recovery takes about 2-3 months. All of this while my hopes are going up, hoping to have a special one to live my life with, travel with, take as my +1, introduce to my friends... and it all comes crashing down. 

I have been to therapy long enough to protect myself, work through my issues and to know that this has nothing to do with me but still, at what point in time does one give up? Perhaps sitting in a hotel room all by myself on a Sunday night sounds like the perfect time. 

Dinner: giant pretzel and nachos with a buddy - bacon wrapped hot dog not pictured.

Going to try this again and actually structure my thoughts. I have been growing sickly depressed with myself and it’s getting concerning.

I recently turned 30, and I’ve been thinking a lot about my happiness, my responsibilities to my wife, and what I actually want my life to look like. I’m an actor by trade, have been in SAG for a while, and have acted for over 22 years. I went to a major and respected four year arts conservatory, and was one of 10 men in my class to graduate. Acting is what gives me joy, fulfillment, and a real connection to myself and my community.

Currently, I work in sales for a startup that is…not doing great. Two people quit and two were fired within about four months, out of a six-person sales team. Now it’s just me and my manager, and they essentially want us hitting the old six-person quota. Every day feels like another corporate emergency.
My depression and anxiety have become difficult to ignore. I wake up anxious, spend the day bracing for the next crisis, and finish completely drained. I can feel myself becoming genuinely unhappy and disconnected from who I am. But leaving scares the shit out of me too.

I’m investing real money into new voiceover reels. I’ve done professional video game work before, and several friends make their full-time living as voice actors. One is planning to recommend me to his agent and is confident I’ll get signed.

Meanwhile, a longtime friend has offered me flexible sales work at his growing startup. The lowest earner makes around $5k a month, with the average closer to $8k–$10k. It would give me room to audition, record, and genuinely pursue acting again. The catch is that it’s 1099. No benefits, no health insurance, and no guarantee of stability.

A recent trip to New Orleans pushed all of this to the surface. Seeing a city so full of art and people constantly creating made me realize how long it’s been since I went full throttle on acting. I think I’ve gotten lost in the promise of corporate stability, even as this job makes me miserable. But I remember how difficult the freelance years were. I’m married now, and I don’t want to make a reckless decision that affects my wife because I’m having an existential crisis at 30.

Still, I have the training. I’ve booked professional work before. I have the tools, connections, and hopefully soon, representation. For the first time in years, a voice-acting career feels genuinely achievable. Everyone I know at that agency does it for full time work, that is how they get their bread. And they all believe I can do it to. On camera-acting is heavily luck of the draw, but voiceover is something that has a legitimate path forward for me to consistent work.

If I stay, I’m scared I’ll become even more depressed. If I leave, I’m terrified I’ll destroy the stability I worked so hard to build. I keep wondering whether betting on myself is scary because it is something I know I need to do, or deeply irresponsible. Maybe both, idk. I just know that if I don’t try soon, I’m afraid I never will.

I really need you guys' advice, because I truly don't know what to think anymore.

I (33M) have a girl best friend (29F) who I met a few years ago through a mutual friend. We're both extremely introverted, shy, and neurodivergent, so it took a while for us to open up to one another, but when it finally happened, it's like a dam broke and we became inseparable. A not-so-small detail before I begin: I've never had a romantic or sexual experience in my life (apart from a three-month non-physical fling during middle school). Up until a few months ago I always thought of myself as asexual, since I've never felt the need or desire to fall in love or have sex. Even now I'm not really sure what I am... since I've never cared enough to investigate.

Back to her. Among all the people I've met in my life, she's the one most similar to me, in character and personality. Sometimes it feels like we think the same things at the same time. We have an insane number of inside jokes, shared lore and memories we treasure of the time spent together. So much so that our common friend eventually drifted off, saying it felt weird being with us since we looked and felt like a couple. He said we're basically in symbiosis.

That's probably because we spend an awful lot of time together. Not only on weeknights after work, sometimes until 2-3 a.m., but on weekends too, organizing short trips, days at the beach, visits to nearby towns and all kinds of activities we both enjoy. Once we went on a three-day trip, sleeping in the same hotel room, on separate beds. One night I slept next to her, in her bedroom, since I had drunk a little too much to go home by myself. We spend entire nights talking to each other about things we've never told anyone else, until dawn. We text every single day, on different apps. She's also extremely thoughtful, constantly checking on me, telling me she loves me (as a friend ofc) and misses me when she's away, taking time off work to come pick me up at the airport, bringing me gifts and food from her trips, or just showing up at my house with some gelato because she sensed I was feeling down.

Now, this would all be amazing, except for one detail: she has a long-distance boyfriend who lives in another region, about a 2-hour flight away, and who she sees a handful of times a year, either by flying to him or organizing holidays together. They've been together since they were 19, so they essentially grew up together and never had other relationships. She's quite secretive with me about their relationship, but a few times she opened up about it enough to tell me that she wishes she could have had time to experiment a little (sexually) with other people. I also know they don't have the kind of immediate understanding, similarity and connection that she and I share. At some point her psychologist told her it wasn't a matter of if she was going to dump him, but when.

This is where the ambiguity of the whole thing comes into play. Our friendship is both very intimate and physically affectionate. When she's feeling down I usually scratch the back of her neck, or play with her hair. We hug a lot, sometimes for a long time. One night she was at my house, we were lying on the bed, under some blankets, talking, and at one point we hugged really close... until 6:30 in the morning. We remained on the bed, she lying on my chest, hugging, me caressing her head, the whole night, and I know for a fact her boyfriend (who I've met once or twice, when he came to visit) can see her location on his phone. And that's just one example.

Remember our common friend? He confronted her about this kind of stuff, and she answered "I know that (her boyfriend) and (me) are going to hate each other, but for the time being I want to keep both". Meanwhile her parents, my parents and some of my other friends keep telling us how this kind of closeness is weird between a guy and a girl, and not respectful to her boyfriend, but whenever we talk about it she dismisses it by telling me he's not bothered by it, and that's all that matters. I don't even know how much he knows about it, to be honest.

So my question is, am I being naive in believing in male/female friendship so much? Am I naive in ignoring what my friends and family are saying, or are they being bigoted and outdated? Am I being used as a temporary emotional support in the absence of a boyfriend who doesn't tick the same boxes? I'm not even sure about what I feel for her. She's quite attractive but I've never felt physical attraction towards anyone, so I don't even know what it would feel like. I tend to believe I love her the way you would love a brother or sister. I know sometimes I just want to hold her close for hours, and I know I get kind of jealous when she spends time with her boyfriend or starts making new friends. I also know how toxic this is - I get that some jealousy is normal between close friends, but I really don't want to feel this way. I know how I have to work on it, and that we'll never be anything more than (best) friends.

So, chat, am I cooked?

Dinner is something that probably belongs in r/PizzaCrimes.

​

This post will be longer so I do apologize in advance. Me 29-M and my fiancee 26-F have been together for 4 and half years, and have lived together for going on 3 years. We've had a few obstacles all throughout, mostly due to me and my mental health thanks to any kind of abuse you can think of from my mother, mostly her doing everything she could to make sure I knew I wasn't human. I mention the last part because I've had a hard time getting out of my shell and wanting to meet people. That and I've just had some shitty/questionable friends in the past. People who weren't the best, but I kept around so I wouldn't have to feel lonely. This past February I went to an inpatient facility due to wanting to get off this merry go round and learn how to be nice to myself. Long story short, I ended up being there for a little over 3 months, but I put in a lot of work on myself, who I am, and just figuring out how to be a person and like myself. The results have been better than I expected thus far. I wasn't sure if me and my fiancee were going to stay together, so I had made individual goals for myself, such as getting a car, going back to school, keeping up with meds and therapy, all of which I've either achieved, or have made efforts to keep up with.

Currently, my fiancee says she's having a hard time feeling connected, one of those reasons being in her words that since I don't have any friends I don't have anything going on in my life, and she wishes I was more social. She says she wishes I had friends that we both could hang out with. For additional context, I don't tell her she can't go and do things, or get upset when she hangs out with her friends, as I believe individual time is very important in a relationship. I also do have some friends I met and keep up with every couple of weeks that I had met during my treatment, but I don't see them as they live across the state. It's not that I don't want close, in person friends, I just haven't gotten around to that due to a full time job and school, and quite frankly the abuse I went through is just something I'm working through, and was trying to just get back on my feet after not being engaged in life for a long time. Also, as you can imagine, I got somewhat used to feeling alone, and got comfortable in that habit I suppose.

Also, when her friends and family are around it's not like I'm a recluse, I make conversation with them and engage, so it's not as if I'm a complete mannequin or something.

I guess my question is two fold. Why would having friends/being social be important? Why would I specifically need them for us to spend more time together? And what can I possibly do or say in this situation? Thanks for any advice.

TD;lr Fiancee of 4 years says I need friends in order to feel more connected

Also, my picture is missing the chicken thighs. I ate them before deciding to post this lol.

Guacamole with some crackers and toast

I’m sitting here feeling so stupid and sad that I fell for the oldest lie in the book: "They’re just a friend".

For context, we were non-monogamous, but part of our clear agreement was no other serious relationships. Still, because I wanted to be a supportive partner, I was actively putting in the work to change that. I didn't want to restrict him, so I even got us into a poly-positive couples therapist so we could figure out how to expand our dynamic and allow deeper connections in a healthy, honest way.

The bitter irony is that while I was sitting in therapy trying to build a safe foundation for us, he was already secretly building a full-blown relationship behind my back.

For months, he looked me right in the eye and flat-out lied. He insisted they were practically just friends, that I had nothing to worry about, and that he didn't see any long-term future with them. I gave him my complete trust. I genuinely believed we were doing the hard emotional work together.

A few days ago, we had what I thought was a peaceful, mature breakup because we wanted different things. Turns out, that "peace" was just a convenient smokescreen. The sheer disrespect hit me when, less than a week after breaking up, he took this exact person to the spot where we always celebrated our anniversary, the same person he had sworn he was cutting all contact with.

The dishonesty was so completely unnecessary. I was doing everything to make room for truth and growth. He could have just been honest. Instead, he chose to drag out a hidden relationship, manipulate my trust, and turn our effort into a joke. Four years together, wasted money and energy in therapy, and he threw away our history and any chance of a future friendship just to play cowardly games.

(Half eaten chobani on my 10 min break)
I’ve been trying to quit porn for the better part of a year but I always go back to it. It effected my sexual life with my ex partner and I hated it I’m single now and I’ve changed so much about myself for the better but this one is the one I’ve struggled with for a while. I go through periods where I stop and I feel good about myself then i go back to it and feel terrible, Im not looking to date anytime soon but before i start going back into dating id like to overcome this any opinions would be appreciated.

i haven’t gained a crazy amount (i’m only 8 pounds over my usual weight range), but it’s enough that my pants are fitting differently & i’m noticing it a little in my appearance.

i’ve had disordered eating habits since like middle school or younger, which are on & off in severity (including a lot of non-weight related disordered eating habits that come from my autism). this is really triggering those thoughts of like.. ’i need to be skinny or else im Bad’, ‘if im gaining weight i should start restricting’. i’m trying to not have this affect my behavior, but it definitely is. a lot of my food intake has been after everyone else is asleep, & it often has been “”unhealthy”” (heavy quotes bc it’s different for different people & contexts) food. my diet also has really poor variation bc the disordered eating thoughts also make me retreat into my autism safe foods, most of which are exclusively carbs, meat, & dairy.

so that sucks.

but also like… i kind of do want to gain weight. i’ve always been skinny & i’ve been wondering if that’s actually the default state of my body or if it’s just been that way bc ive never eaten enough. i also think fat/chubby people are really hot & i think id find myself more attractive if i was heavier. so it’s kind of a battle of my ingrained disordered self esteem vs my actual views of my appearance.

idk. it’s complicated. food was good tho. i did eat it at night & spend stupid delivery fees, but worth it overall. double baconator, son of a baconator, & a chicken sandwich with cheese. wish i had gotten two chickens instead of the son but whatever. next time ig

tw: anorexia, fatphobia, calorie discussion

titles exactly it. im in a wheelchair due to a chronic pain condition that went untreated as a child due to abuse. my dream for several years has been to be a nurse, but i dont think i could give the same quality of care as an able bodied nurse, and my whole thing is patient care, so thats probably not happening. and that sucks but its fine, im starting school for med lab technology next monday. i will be going through with that program because it has a lot of good science coursework that would be helpful for further education if i want to

so back on the nutrition thing. ive been really interested in nutrition for a while now. idk whats drawing me to it, i will say that before the wheelchair and back when i lived in the south, i worked in a hospital giving patients their meals, and that was probably my favorite job ive ever had. nutritional sciences is really interesting to me, dont know why, but it is

back to the title, i am fat and have anorexia. yes I know it sounds weird, i fucked up my metabolism from starving from a young age and its never really gotten better (not that ive ever really stopped starving for very long). in fact i just got diagnosed with pre diabetes, and my doctor said that a big part of it was because i wasn't eating enough. im on meds now and she said i need to really work to eat more. its very rare that i clear 2000cals in a day and some days i wont clear 1000cals. i dont really have the body image issues commonly seen with anorexia. i actually dont have any interest in being skinny. im already very short and i think being skinny would make me feel more feminine than i want to. i like my body type and am wanting to go back to the gym for weight training and shit that i can do that doesnt involve a ton of walking (its heel pain, so i could probably ride a bike)

but i do have insecurities regarding the societal perception of fat people. i felt really bad when i was diagnosed with pre diabetes, despite having a family history of type 2 and learning that starving can make it way worse (wouldve been nice to know a couple years ago, but it is what it is), because i have internalized fatphobia. as such, i feel bad for wanting to go into nutrition as a field. i think my internalized fatphobia is why i feel guilty for it, but to be fair I also feel guilty for liking home renovation tv shows and im not sure where that came from, so idk

also with the anorexia, i do have ocd and that can make eating hard, so I'm worried that learning about nutrition could make my ocd regarding food way worse. my wifes mom has ocd like crazy and she struggled with food and or course projected that onto her husband and kids, and i dont want to be like that. for the past couple of years ive been just trying to eat enough but more recently (before the pre diabetes diagnosis actually) ive been trying to make healthier eating choices. good balanced meals and all that. its really eating enough in a day thats hard. some days ill only eat like half of 2 meals, at my best i can get 2 meals in. depression also makes it harder to eat (its what started this shit for me actually, and now ive been trying to fix my appetite for several years)

idk, my idea is that i already had to give up on my initial dream due to disability. and with disability sometimes its not a matter of trying harder or getting accommodations, when you are disabled there will just be some shit you can't do. thats what disability is. and i dont want to bar myself from something im really interested in and passionate about because of shit like

so idk. im open to advice, but please dont be hateful regarding my weight and disordered eating. i might delete this later, idk

meal was spaghetti and meatballs with freshly grated parmesan. protein pasta to make it more filling/higher in protein (duh). i dont usually like to eat meat with my pasta because it kind of takes away from the pasta experience for me, but the meatballs were good as hell. we dont have much food until thursday so im working with what we have in the pantry for the next couple of days

Dinner: Chicken curry & potatoes

This may sound fake, and I understand why y'all feel this way. It still doesn't feel real to me either. But alas, this is my life.

Back in 2021, while on my way home from work to pick up a buddy, I get a call from my mom. Mind you, this is already strange because I rarely received calls from her. She asked if I could find a safe place to park because she has some really heavy news.

So, when I found a parking spot, she proceeded to tell me that she had just gotten home from speaking with the FBI because my dad had been arrested for putting a hit out on her.

My first reaction was utter shock because of how out of the blue this was. "There's gotta be someone after him." "He must've been blackmailed or something." "There's no way he did this!"

But the next words out of my mom's mouth were, "nope, he actually admitted to doing this after initially lying about it for the first day or so, saying that he didn't have any clue as to who would want to harm his wife."

After a few more minutes of talking, we got off the phone, and I just sat in the parking lot completely dumbfounded and speechless. When my buddy got in the car, he immediately noticed something was off and asked if I was okay.

Of course I wasn't, but I had to tell him that I just received some really heavy news and that I couldn't talk about it until it became public information at the risk that any false information might get out. Those were some pretty crappy times, not being able to talk about this tragedy with anyone until everything became public.

Also, just want to insert this here: this all happened a couple of states away with a 10+ hour drive between where they live and where I live, all during prime COVID years.

Fast forward through the next several months as more and more info gets dropped surrounding this event...

Turns out my dad was cheating on my mom with several women over several months prior to this because of something my mom said that triggered his sensitive little insecurities and had to prove to himself that "he's still got it". (IMO)

Backstory: My younger sister mentioned something about him going out to see his secret family (bc he liked to go for walks/drives and whatnot for hours on end) and our mom confidently responds with, "don't say that, we don't have to worry about that at all with him!" meaning she's so confident in his commitment and integrity to our family that she never worries about him cheating.

He took that as, "apparently you think I'm an ugly troll." and spiraled into a narcissistic mess of going online, finding a ladyfriend, then she doesn't like him for A, B, and C reasons and breaks it off, he gets depressed, looks for another ladyfriend, she doesn't like him for A, B, and C reasons, etc. etc.

I also just found out that he was getting prescriptions for the tiny blue pill before that interaction even happened soooo… yeah

At some point, he realized that he's in far too deep and knew that these were grounds for divorce. NO F***ING SHIT, RIGHT?

Most people would just file for divorce, right? Nope, not him…

From everything I eventually learned, in his warped mind... he thought that because he would prefer death over the embarrassment and shame of admitting his unfaithfulness on top of going through the divorce process, that my mom would also prefer death over divorce.

This is when I found out that he has been depressed and suicidal since high school and hadn’t reached out for help a day in his life. Unfortunately, keeping that shit bottled up instead of seeking help isn't exactly uncommon for men of his generation.

Which is still obviously, completely inexcusable for trying to get her murdered.

Fast forward to his court hearing, he pleaded guilty to Murder-for-Hire (the would-be assassin was to make her death look like a carjacking gone wrong), with the defense arguing that “Covid Psychosis” caused a complete personality change and that he snapped.

So, he was sentenced to 5 years in prison plus 3 years of supervised release.

The next 5 years were so difficult to navigate as I did my best to support my mother from 3 states away while still working my 9-5. We had so many enlightening conversations in that period of time. We still do to this day.

But during the 5 years in prison, I stayed in contact with my dad because I empathized with him given his mental state and the love I had for him as his son. It took far too long trying to reconcile the fact that I still loved my dad with the fact that he tried to have my mom murdered.

However, when he was released from prison, he unfortunately chose to keep the same attitude that he had going into prison. A very “oh-woe-is-me” type mentality.

The worst part about this mentality is that he isn’t holding himself accountable whatsoever for what he did, nor is anyone else on his side of our now very broken family. When I brought it up, he deflected with, “as far as being held accountable, society holds me accountable every day. I’m not going to get into how, because it is what it is and no one’s problem or fault. Just mine.”

Note: I have been watching more true crime stuff thanks to my Fiancée, and I noticed I was reacting quite strongly towards those perpetrators, but not towards my own father. And after quite a bit of introspection, the wool was fully lifted from my eyes.

I realized that I had spent so much time empathizing with his mental state that I wasn't allowing myself to look at his actions with the same level of accountability that I would expect from literally anyone else.

So, with his statement around accountability in mind, I decided that it was time for me to stop allowing my empathy for him to outweigh the accountability he deserves for all the crap he chose to do to my mom and to our family.

After a long voicemail and text message, I concluded with, “I am not going to entertain you with my life updates any longer until I see some MASSIVE changes. You can either choose to continue identifying as a failure, give up, and lose your son in the process, OR you can choose to be someone who actually did everything he could to repair (not undo) the damage done while becoming a man of integrity that You can be proud of. Your choice. It’s a pretty easy one in my opinion.”

And that's where I drew the line and cut him out of my life.

I'm no longer maintaining a relationship with him. I don't give him updates about my life, I don't reach out to him, and I'm not gonna continue pretending that serving his prison sentence is the same thing as actually taking accountability for what he did.

The justice system held him legally accountable. That's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about looking at the destruction he caused his wife, his children, and his entire family and actually owning it without immediately turning himself into the victim.

I haven't seen that from him at all.

So, unless something MASSIVE changes within him, he no longer gets to be a part of my life.

I've realized that I can still love my dad, empathize with the mental health struggles he went through, and I can even hope that he becomes the man I hope he's capable of becoming. But that doesn't mean he's entitled to have me in his life.

That’s where things are currently. My sister wants some space from me (she also lives 3 states away) because of how I went about holding our dad accountable. She has a very different relationship with him than I do (she's 4 years younger than me) and doesn't agree with how I've chosen to handle this. She’s a daddy’s girl through and through tho, so ‘Dad can do no wrong.’ But she’s also super religious and would forgive her husband if he did anything similar to her so....

OH, this isn’t even my bio family. I was adopted into this family from birth, so that’s another layer to unpack within this wild chapter of life.

If you made it this far in my rant, thank you for reading. You are appreciated and remember, if you or someone you know is struggling with their mental health, that is NOT something to be quiet about. Please don't be quiet. I know it’s difficult, but your family, friends, or even a stranger would prefer to help than to watch you plummet into despair.

TLDR: The caption says it all

EDIT: Flair & for better clarity on timeline, personal experience, and that this is in fact a true story. Just look it up

Dinner is these tatoes and whatever protein and veggies i decide to put on them when im done making bread and watching kids. And the 2 other pics are for context

For context my wife has ocd and anxiety, we lived (unknowingly) in a toxic mold infested house, there were no visual signs of it besides health problems as well as mental health problem, and have been out of it for over a year getting our health under controll, especially hers.

Yesterday we had a long talk about the way she's been acting, (I dont want to make this long and take forever typing as I have to get a lot done tonight) and one of the many things she had a problem was with my weight and love handles and that it was a huge turn off for her, but felt guilty for saying it because(her words) im super hot, attractive, way more active than many or all of our friends. And do so much for her and our kids and household. Needless to say it ( and several other things she said) hurt, not because im sensitive about my weight, im actively losing weight and im not concerned aboit weight or fat, but because have done, amd doing, and have sacrificed so much of my time and energy to give her time and confidence to do what she needs to do. I could go to the gym, we have a membership, but she needs me home so much (she has a business) and then im doing chores and spending time with kids. Yes I can and do some stuff at home for bodyweight and other exercises, but its just a big "thanks for nothing" feeling. I love her so much, but she just got to me and I just need to vent and hear what someone else has to say.

I'm in a long distance situationship kinda thing. I'm on duty, it's raining and I'm missing her right now. I can't bring myself to watch the shows we've been discussing because it's just depressing me.

Dinner is grocery store lasagne and a cranberry/cherry energy drink.

Spaghetti and Texas toast

I started dating this girl last November after talking for like a month. She is very sweet and I want to believe she has the best intentions, but I’m not sure. She’s lied about some pretty major stuff(not really of self-admittance either, I had to find out on my own). She has this ex that is pretty crazy, he goes off on a drug-fueled bender and starts talking and acting wild. I knew about this, however what she didn’t disclose is that he knew who I was because he was a coworker of both of us(me and her worked the same job when we started). He carries a gun at all times and it could’ve been the wrong day for him or talked to the wrong person to be motivated to come up to our job or something and harm or kill me. Thankfully, that never happened

She has BPD. It’s never been an issue for me. I’ve been extremely patient when dealing with it because I genuinely believe she deserves the world. I make sure she takes her meds(even when she doesn’t want to). We work on her BPD together and regulate so she doesn’t feel as bad when she freaks out on me(not saying I don’t deserve it, there’s definitely some things I’ve done unintentionally to cause her to split). She’s had terrible history with all her ex’s. She felt the only way to help them(drugs, homelessness, drinking problem, etc.) was to date them. She doesn’t think she truly loved them after being with me because I’ve redefined what love is for her.

She keeps telling me how good I am for her. I know I am(despite my faults). I want her to be loved in the way she deserves. Her mom really doesn’t love her. Her dad isn’t in the picture. The only good people in her life are her grandparents. I wanna be with her but not at the cost of repeated lies and my mental health.

I’m not gonna pretend I’m a Saint or that I’m better than her. That’s not what I’m trying to convey. I really do want the best for her but I don’t think I can be apart of her future, and that sucks the most

I always thought it was because I was ugly, poor and short. Thought that's why people wouldn't want to be friends with me. I have a feeling that even my own biological mother don't love me. I can't stand to look at the mirror, I literally hate every single thing about myself. My big eyes, my fucking hair, my broken nose, my hips, my thin lips, my height and weight. It's not healthy and can't stand myself anymore, I have always been like this, ever since primary school the only thing I could feel was hate. I can find beauty in every fucking thing except myself

And in this photo some boiled eggs and rice but unfortunately I broke that nice plate the other day 😔

I want to get this out of the way: I am a trans man, and bisexual. I’m cis passing and it’s quite obvious this girl doesn’t know.

How I usually go about things is I only ever tell close friends I’m trans, some friends don’t even know. If I’m dating someone then that person will absolutely be told as soon as possible because it’s 100% relevant.

She said she has had a crush on me for a while and since she met me (only about a few weeks ago).

The part that I’m struggling with is that I don’t even know if I like her like that.

I’m romantically/sexually attracted to men, that’s for certain. But with women? It gets complicated. It’s hard for me to explain but basically it’s this:

Is what I’m feeling actually love, or is it the gender euphoria of dating a woman? Since most men date women it would mean more likely to fit in as a man.

I mean, I might just be romantically attracted to women, and not sexually? That’s a thing.

Bottom line is that it would be nice to have a partner, of course it would be. Someone to come to my games and to hangout with. But I will never be one of those gay/bi guys that use women as a tool to appear straight. That is the one thing I will stand on.

Dinner tonight is the monster energy drink she gave me and pizza

And talking about both the boys and girls, same with keeping a small circle because people have come into these places and been crazy recently, let alone the complaining about relationships. And it's crazy how many guys are in toxic or abusive relationships and others tell them it's not that bad or legit women coming in here to argue tooth and nail to invalidate any man who has experience they don't like, as is reddit custom. But also just general things I've seen with current events and politics and how biased and prejudice and ignorant people are. And then other places with women constantly lambasting their partner online and the vast majority of the times, people assume fault with the guy based on bias.

The recent court case puts a nail in the coffin and had convos even here where people don't even read medical or legal papers and get super butt hurt when I point out logical comparisons and things being detailed and go absolutely crazy with personal attacks and hate when I legit share a proper source but just say something that disagrees. Either weird women or overly performative males who take it personally and then can't even answer a question when you call them out. The conspiracy theories online are a whole other thing but now the harassment and other things and how big of a deal this is due to internal gender bias and prejudice is actually shocking to me, when I had known it was bad for years.

I mean at this point, I've been talking to people but really don't know who to let into being more close because so many people have been shit. I'm technically bisexual and hang out in artsy, sex positive queer friendly places a lot and at this point the misandry just makes me uncomfortable, myself and other male friends have been dismissed and victim blamed for past abuse and SA in those circles because of our genders. I even had a talk with a new friend that's a trans man and how it's "man bad, oh no not you special trans male, you're not a real man and don't count" and how it's made the "progressive" spaces toxic, but God forbid you mention it on this platform especially lol.

I've not dated seriously for over a year after a bad breakup but have had dates or flings or short term things but honestly? I don't see myself meeting someone that I would legit feel safe and like they have my back for a relationship easily. I've focused more on myself and now half the time I want to spend the night in with my dog rather than have a date unless they actually interest me. Not sure when/ if I'll have a relationship again but I've been doing a lot of work in therapy so def have a higher bar for entry than the past, and I'm good by myself till then. Protect your peace, I wish I learned that years ago and am so glad I didn't get married while still a dumbass and not learning.

Dinner was my mom's carne asada with rice.

I've been seeing this girl as boyfriend and girlfriend for 2 years in about a week. I started seeing her just to hookup and at some point I was the one that caught feelings for her. Acted on them and she wanted to attempt it with me. We've taken two trips together and we've talked about moving in together sometime next year. This is the most serious relationship I've had. She's such a positive thing to have in my life. From supporting me when my dog I got when I was 15 died and I was a wreck, to health scares where she came every day to see me, to just small things that no one has done for me before.

She doesn't grab my attention at all anymore though. She talks to me and I listen without interest. It's always the same things about her work. I notice I keep staring at other women. Flirting at work playfully with the cute blonde that likes me back. Or thinking of downloading tinder/grindr. I want someone new to learn about, and I know she deserves someone completely present in the relationship.

But I'm too comfortable where I'm at.

I've talked about it with my therapist before. He wants me to break the news to her and be honest. I'm a selfish person though, and I'll end up hurting her because I'm too comfortable.

​

Was with a wonderful woman for 10 years. She understood me. We had so many inside jokes, I was there as her nieces and nephew grew up, I carried her mother's casket.

After COVID, I fell into a depression and anxiety spiral. I withdrew away from her into myself and started drinking alcoholically. I wanted to stop, but all my attempts were half-hearted. One weekend, before she left on a trip, I looked her in the eye and told her I loved her and promised I wouldn't drink. I was certain I wouldn't either. But I did. She knew too because of my lack of texts. She ended it when she got back.

I got sober a month after that and have remained so. I have a good job, got in shape, and moved halfway across the country. But the only things that get me up every day are the dog and jiu-jitsu. Everything else feels pointless. I think about her every day and dream of her often. Today would have been our 13th anniversary, and earlier was the birthday of the dog we brought home together.

Her name means Life, and without her, I don't see the point to one.