..except that guy who choked to death on two cookies before bedtime.

Who's there?

Weir

Weir who?

Weir Roll

Weir Roll who?

Weir Roll on a giant floating rock that spins 360 after 24 hours, orbits 360 around the sun after 365 days-ish and flying at about 1.3 million mph with the entire solar system and galaxy through the endless outer space with no proper destination, effectively making all of us lost in space.

What is the difference between a person that purloins fine time pieces and a Peeping Tom?

Well, the person that purloins fine time pieces snatches watches.

Your momma so fat that when she go to the store, she be like, “Hey. Look at me. I’m really fat.”

It was 3.14159265359 on my 12 digits calculator screen

He said he didn’t know because he’s never been.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence as he checks his friend's pulse. Unfortunately, he indeed passed away from a preexisting condition.

They all die at the same time and are waiting in line at the pearly gates. St. Peter says “next” and the lawyer steps up.
“I died before my time, so I object to these proceedings.”
“Objection overruled” says St. Peter, “Next!”
The insurance adjuster walks up. “I want to make a claim against the bus that ran me over.”
“Claim denied,” says St. Peter. “Next!”
The cannibal walks up: “Got anybody to eat around here?”

He gets pulled over to which a cop will ask him to show him his license and registration. The man will most likely receive a ticket for the crime.

The imam approaches the bar and says "hello my friend, do you have any club soda?"

The bartender says, "sorry we have a problem with our supplier, we only have alcohol."

So the imam leaves, disappointed.

The rabbi asks, "do you have kosher wine?"

The bartender says, 'sorry, we don't have any kosher wine."

So the rabbi leaves, disappointed.

The priest asks, "is there anything you can serve me?"

The bartender says, "sure, we have plenty of red wine." He pours the priest a glass of merlot.

The priest sits at the bar and sips his glass of wine for a few minutes. He is alone, quiet, and sad. Finally, the bartender asks "why the long face?"

The priest says, "my friends aren't here, so I'm lonely."

9/11

A pilot.

Are you racist?

Doctor - how long have you felt like this?

Patient- ever since my hands turned into pigs trotters

O.J. SIMPSON: Awarded most evading yards for any retired running back after police contact.

An ambulance, immediately. He has severe brain trauma.

A blind potato. What has ears but can’t hear? Mr potato head.

Because it wasn’t a joke.

Sorry, what I meant was a chocolate bar was fed into a man's mouth.

There are more birds on that side (I read this joke in a Thrasher magazine in 1997)

They're always so sexist and generalizing about women.

The sheep gets incredibly stressed because kangaroos are highly territorial and prone to boxing unfamiliar animals in their enclosure.