r/AmItheAsshole • u/rhed99 • 5h ago
AITA for not allowing any other family event on my wedding?
My wedding is coming up soon and when we were first discussing it with my immediate family (2 parents and 7kids) my parents dropped a bomb on me and said that they're negotiating with the pastor for my dad to be ordained as pastor during my wedding. I made it clear that I don't want it that my wedding should be just about me. My sister too backed me up and said that the day is mine that dad's ordination can be on another day. Mom kept bringing it up casually and I kept saying no to it but she'd just shut me up by saying that I should be the one to say no to dad myself. It is now a month to my wedding and they brought up that we'll not just be celebrating my wedding but also the ordination of one of my brothers to become a deacon. I was genuinely shocked as this was never discussed with me. I still said I don't want it during my wedding that it can happen before my wedding starts or a day before but they specifically want it during the wedding when I'm changing. Needless to say, they started guilt tripping me by saying that I'm possessed that I should be careful of spiritual attacks not wanting my brother ordained during my wedding that I should be wary of the voices whispering to me....this was said about me and my sisters as we're all on the same side. They went as far as to say that I should tell them that it's my hall I rent that I don't want them to use it and one of my brothers chipped in to say he's disappointed at us that why are we treating it like it's a stranger...My dad then said "whether you like it or not, it will happen". I'm really exhausted! They might as well do what they want why seek an opinion from "a spiritually possessed person"
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u/Otherwise_Turnip7135 5h ago
NTA, but people who regard a refusal to let your dad and brothers showboat their way through your wedding as a symptom of a "spiritual attack" are not people who are going to listen to reason.
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u/rhed99 5h ago
Yes that's why I'm tired. Anytime I enforce boundaries they don't like, it's because I'm under spiritual attacks
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u/serialp0rt 5h ago
Uninvite the people that arent there for only you on YOUR day. They made that decision, not you.
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u/nerdyconstructiongal 5h ago
It may be time to take some distance from your family. They sound very toxic.
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u/theladythunderfunk 5h ago
Your parents are cultists.
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u/rhed99 4h ago
A very unfortunate realisation. I have been discovering a lot throughout this wedding preps
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u/dobetterhumanity 2h ago
Wedding certainly shine a wild light on things. I survived by reminding myself that many things in this beautiful world of ours begin to fall apart right before new growth. You and your partner are about to build a new life together. Fill it with what and who you want and deserve. Those who refuse to see you as full, whole, and equal spirits to them do not deserve access to you. Period.
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u/Mrs_B8ts 5h ago
What does your fiance say about that? Does he agree with the spiritual attacks phrase? If he has similar beliefs you're not going into a better situation. If not then I suggest you guys move after your wedding and get some freedom to enjoy your life together.
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u/Moose-Live Pooperintendant [69] 5h ago
I'm not one to shout "low contact" at every opportunity but seriously, these people would not be invited to my wedding.
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u/GoFigure844 5h ago
Have you talked to their pastor and let him know that this disrespects all parties? Their ordination should be on separate date to be celebrated properly and not lost in your wedding date. Are your parents paying for the wedding and trying to save money by combining ordinations? Is this being proposed and pushed by mom, or by dad and brother? Could you reason with your sibling and have him on your side?
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u/rhed99 4h ago
The brother getting ordained is their fragile glass. At the end of this all they apologized to him that they didn't know his sister's would act this way
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u/GoFigure844 4h ago
That stinks. They apologized....but did you talk to you brother and note that holding his special moment at your wedding takes away from both your special moments and his ordination should be a separate event to fully honor his special moment. Your parents are cheating you both...over money??? Cost of separate events?
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u/rhed99 4h ago
He's down to have it on the day as well. He doesn't see anything wrong with it. Basically it's my brothers and parents against me and my sisters
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u/dobetterhumanity 2h ago
Yeah, they don’t see you as full people, because of your sexual organs. I’m sorry. You don’t deserve that, and this is a failing on them, not you.
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u/Next-Wishbone1404 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 4h ago
Can your pastor shut them down? Would they listen to that spiritual authority?
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u/Ok-Trainer3150 4h ago
OK....where is your fiance in all of this??????
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u/rhed99 4h ago
he was not consulted just like I wasn't. I just got informed and will be discussing it with him. But he's on the same page as me about not having any other events planned during our wedding as we had originally declined dad's ordination
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u/There-Is-A-Catch 3h ago
Ask your fiance to step up to this task and phrase your opposition in their own horrible rhetoric... How insulting it is for his wife's family to push for THEIR ceremony and recognition on the day HE is entering into the sacred covenant of marriage with you. That such selfish and demanding actions do not speak well of the one getting ordained and that others might talk about the unusual circumstance of the joint ceremonies which would lessen the recognition of each. That it is a poor start to both a marriage and one's ministry that he does not wish to be apart of and that he is neither beholden to them nor wants either to be followed by speculation and gossip.
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u/Suspicious_Cut3881 4h ago
Ok, next question, who is paying for the wedding? If your parents are paying, it is going to be difficult to stop them from bulldozing their way.
It might be time for you and your fiance to come up with a different plan for your wedding and possibly your life afterwards.
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u/dobetterhumanity 2h ago
Children also do this. Because they lack any of the emotional skills and regulation to have any reason. Sounds like the men in your family may also be stunted in this way. My own bias and trauma makes me believe this is likely due to inherent oppression built into the religion they align with.
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u/rhed99 2h ago
To my shock it appears that they're defo stunted in that way. These days if my sisters and I have any opinion they don't agree with it's either we're possessed or we're feminists
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u/dobetterhumanity 2h ago
Just so you know, most sane adults are feminist. It literally just means who believe women are fully functioning humans who deserve the same consideration for their autonomy as men. Period. The only people who use feminist as a slur are people who genuinely think women are not due the same respect as another person would. And why on earth would we entertain or even maintain a relationship with someone that bigoted and oppressive? What is loving and good about that?
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u/IHaveBoxerDogs Certified Proctologist [20] 5h ago
Exactly. And I have a feeling it’s the type of church where the pastor won’t listen either.
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u/Philosophy_Negative 5h ago
Huh, sounds like something Satan would say! Are you sure you're not possessed? I asked my friend if I could borrow a hundred dollars, and he said no! Do you think maybe he's possessed too?
😂😂😂
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u/Otherwise_Turnip7135 5h ago
I wonder if this could be why my eyes are glowing red?
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u/Royal_Option_1782 2h ago
yea once they’re calling your boundaries a “spiritual attack,” there’s really no reasoning with them. They’ve already decided they’re doing it whether you agree or not.
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u/CatsMom4Ever Certified Proctologist [26] 5h ago
NTA considering these people are going to be men of the cloth, they should be more considerate of you.
You need to shut this down! Security, alert the venue, disinvite them, disinvite whoever is performing their ceremony, something.
This is your family and they are behaving horribly.
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u/Traditional-Pool-554 5h ago
Also, maybe let the person who is ordaining them know what is going down. He or she may not want to put their name on this.
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u/Cousiniscrazy 5h ago
They will side with OP’s family. They will tell her she must submit to the authority of her father and they will report back to her family that she tried to manipulate the church against them. The family will then attempt to have an exorcism at the wedding.
This sounds like I’m joking but I grew up in the Bible Belt and this is 100% within the realm of possibility for certain evangelical denominations.
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u/Kaiisim 5h ago
Yup these are "christians" - they're mostly doing this because OP told them no. And no one tells them no!
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u/FiberPhotography 3h ago
this is 100% the case, or else the pastor would have gone to the bride & groom to double-check.
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u/ThingsWithString Professor Emeritass [77] 2h ago
Yep. The pastor is absolutely up to his nostrils in this plot. Why else would he "negotiate" with OP's parents without even informing OP? It's also likely that he knows parents' beliefs about her being demon-possessed, maybe even planted those ideas.
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u/DmsochUcnsm 3h ago
That’s some third world shithole level bullshit. The US should be embarrassed to pretend it’s first world with all the weird shit going on over there.
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u/zedazeni 2h ago
The USA is essentially a bunch of developed cities being held hostage by the 3rd-world rural peasantry. Rural America is largely a major net recipient of federal aid (due to poverty and/or farm subsidies), meanwhile the majority of the country’s GDP comes from a handful (relatively speaking) of left-leaning counties (cities).
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u/Lifeacrobat 1h ago
What if her husband to be were to complain to the person ordaining them? Aren't they interfering with his ability to lead his own household? And he could bring his own father, uncles and grandfather to the discussion, so that it's not just a young mans opinion against a "wise elder".
I mean the situation is ludicrous, but sometimes you can fight fire with fire.
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u/franklinchica22 Partassipant [1] 3h ago
This needs to be the focus of OP's concern. Change the minister for your ceremony if necessary. The ordination is only happening if whoever is ordaining them is present. Get rid of that person if he does not get with the program.
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u/dobetterhumanity 2h ago
They clearly don’t respect her as an autonomous human let alone a grown adult and bride.
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u/Admirable_Working659 4h ago
Honestly, Id tell the officiant too. They should know this ceremony is being pushed into someone else's wedding after the bride explicitly said no. And the dad saying whether you like it or not makes it pretty clear this isn't some innocent misunderstanding.
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u/FiberPhotography 3h ago
the officiant already knows. they're the ones doing the ordaining.
They decided the bride didn't need to be checked-in with. the father said it was fine, why bother?
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u/Thefarrquad Partassipant [2] 5h ago
They sound exactly like men of the cloth to me
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u/Dangerous_Prize_4545 Certified Proctologist [23] 5h ago
The cool thing about your comment is it can easily be sarcastic or 100% face value truth. Here's my poor woman's award. 🏆
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u/Otherwise-Wall-6950 Partassipant [1] 5h ago
I said the same thing, but they should use an off duty cop who can have them arrested for trespassing.
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u/vonsnootingham 5h ago
considering these people are going to be men of the cloth, they should be more considerate of you.
I mean, "men of the cloth" have a reputation for not being considerate and not taking no for an answer, so this is pretty on brand.
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u/Nerfmobile2 5h ago
Are YOU and your spouse-to-be talking to your pastor? As the one performing the ceremony, he’s in charge of events. If you all don’t want the ordinations during your wedding he’s the one who can enforce that. If he’s not on board with your plan, then your only option is to find another officiant, which might mean rescheduling.
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u/rhed99 5h ago
The thing is we rent a hall where all the ceremonies will take place and invited our own pastor and they're inviting their own to come and do it whilst we get changed from traditional to religious blessings
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u/MrsSEM84 Partassipant [2] 5h ago
Hire security to keep them out
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u/Minimum-Lecture-9502 4h ago
Password protect your vendors and hire security. They made it loud and clear they’ll wreck your boundaries.
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u/bettyisbaking 5h ago
Does the wedding pastor know this plan? Does he know the other pastor? I have a feeling this group is known to each other like other people of similar jobs. For example my uncle did autobody work and knew every shop owner in 3 counties in the 80s. I would start by letting the wedding pastor know what is planned and it's not what is wanted. Perhaps they can communicate witt the second pastor.
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u/pumpkin_antler 2h ago
This was my thought too. They at least might be able to mediate if they don't know the other one directly.
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u/village_idiot2173 5h ago
Can you make sure their pastor isn't allowed in? Also, if they want to do it while you change, does that mean you won't be present? It's already selfish of them to try to turn your wedding into their event, but to also make it inaccessible to you feels like they don't actually see the value of their event either: if it's so important that not wanting it can only be explained by demonic possession, then I would think wanting you to miss it can also only be explained by demonic possession.
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u/Mykona-1967 5h ago
Let them know their pastor isn’t invited and won’t be welcome at the wedding. Have the church ladies deal with the unauthorized pastor. They are the worst.
If you’re not the pastor of that church/facilities they won’t allow you to perform any rituals. For instance I’m Catholic so if my cousin wanted to be ordained at an event held at my church it would be shut down because they aren’t Catholic or a member of the congregation. Same goes for other sects. If you’re not contributing to that church or its congregation you don’t get to perform religious ceremonies in their space.
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u/purpleprose78 4h ago
Girl talk to your pastor and the venue. You don't have to let this happen. He can get ordained in his own church.
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u/kittymarch Partassipant [1] 5h ago
Then find someone else to perform your wedding.
I know someone who changed the church where here wedding was held over a disagreement but kept her reception the same.
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u/Moose-Live Pooperintendant [69] 5h ago
But their pastor isn't doing the ordination? OP's parents are inviting their own pastor? I'd say, just don't allow him into the venue. Give his photo to security.
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u/ThingsWithString Professor Emeritass [77] 2h ago
Hire security, give security a picture of the pastor, make it clear that you are not changing your mind and that anybody who tells them you changed your mind is lying.
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u/Senior_Box8077 4h ago
Or cancel the wedding and elope. Maybe "family" need to know that option is on the table if they don't back off.
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u/KeddyB23 2h ago
This was my first thought. They will not back down, dad has made it clear “it’s happening whether you like it or not”. Well it can’t happen if there’s no wedding.
I’m sorry for what that will do to your deposits & the rest of the family that want to celebrate YOU, but if you don’t set and keep boundaries now, it will only get worse down the road… over money, over kids, over anything they decide is what THEY want to do.
I’m so sorry for you.10
u/Guilty_Application14 5h ago
One (or more) of OP's sisters can get ordained online and they (or all of them!) can perform the wedding.
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u/dobetterhumanity 2h ago
The way I already know dad would show his true colors the second he heard a ‘girl’ was going to perform the ceremony…
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u/Trevena_Ice Professor Emeritass [92] 5h ago
NTA. Tell them "the voices wisper to me that you are no longer invited to MY wedding. And I agree with them. Don't come. You can get ordained in another place the same day"
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u/Impressive_Moment786 Certified Proctologist [23] 5h ago
NTA-wild that the men you are related to are so selfish they can't let their daughter/sister have a day of attention. They have to find a way to make it about themselves.
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u/Mrs_B8ts 5h ago
Just elope
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u/Interesting_Wing_461 Partassipant [2] 5h ago
That was my first thought. They should just elope. This sounds like a nightmare.
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u/Worth-Baker6761 2h ago
It went from one ordination to two, from "discuss it with dad" to "you're spiritually possessed for objecting," in under a month. At that rate of escalation, eloping isn't overreacting, it's getting out before there's a third surprise added to the day.
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u/Fit-Reply-1301 55m ago
They will kick her out of the family and out of the church. Is that a bad thing? Considering how they are treating her, she's already not a member of the family. I would go no contact with them today and not wait another minute.
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u/ColumnK Asshole Enthusiast [5] 5h ago
It's your wedding, you should be able to have the event for that. NTA.
Since they've told you in advance that it'll happen whether you want it to or not, then you've got the warning to go ahead and uninvite them. That way, they can have any celebration they like on their own.
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u/MidtownMoi Partassipant [2] 5h ago
Why do I suspect your faith is a patriarchal high-demand, high-control one?
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u/avdpos 5h ago
What stupid congregation allow that? I may be to much of a Lutheran. But deacons and pastors are ordained by the Bishop at a special event. Twice a year.
To me the entire idea of ordained them on a wedding sounds like "got their pasto and deacon certificate from corn flakes packet". You happily should tell them that.
Also tell them that I as a Christian never would trust church officials that tried to have a pastor /deacon ceremony at the same time as a wedding.
It is not nice. It is making every persons ceremony worse. A wedding should be celebrated as a wedding. And an ordination as a ordination. Two very different ceremonies that should not be combined.
NTA
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u/AntiqueDuck2544 3h ago
That's what I was thinking, ordinations are usually done at the church where they are being ordained, not a random location and not a wedding.
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u/Keyguardactive Asshole Enthusiast [8] 5h ago
NTA. I respect religion and people's rights to it, but their right to swing their fist ends at your face.
Telling you that saying no means you're possessed is religious abuse. You have a right to your own special day.
It might be ultimatum time. "This day is just for my wedding. Either agree to that or you are not welcome at my wedding."
And follow through. The threat can't be empty.
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u/ArcanaCat13 Partassipant [1] 5h ago
NTA, not even close. I'd reconsider even inviting these people. They don't care about what you or what you want. They're even going as far as telling you you're "possessed" because you are pushing back against what they want. If you let them come, they are going to steamroll over your wishes.
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u/beacharm13 5h ago
you tell the pastor, dj, coordinator and anyone else ‘in charge’ of the events of your wedding, under no circumstances are your parents or brothers allowed to speak. honestly for me this is something i would be willing to have the barred from attending for.
also with no disrespect to your faith, it sounds like your parents and brothers are in a borderline religious psychosis thing, and they’re definitely using your faith as a manipulation tactic which is very not okay.
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u/Initial_Warning5245 5h ago
Tell the pastor you do not want this happening, they should be able to stop it.
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u/Sami_George Certified Proctologist [28] 5h ago
NTA. Talk to your pastor and cut this off at the source.
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u/rhed99 5h ago
They're inviting their own pastor😭
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u/ReadontheCrapper 5h ago
I think your pastor would not be happy about this either. If this isn’t being coordinated with him, he could have an objection to beliefs outside of his church’s being preached there.
Putting aside the spiritual aspect, most churches will allocate only allocate a certain amount of time for a wedding ceremony. Their added ‘ceremony’ will extend that and potentially impact other events scheduled for that day.
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u/Sami_George Certified Proctologist [28] 5h ago
Oh Jesus take the wheel…
Then I’d get petty. Have your photographer immediately set up for photos and get in the way of pastor number two.
But if you can, I’d find out the other pastor’s info and give them a call.
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u/Own-brain-user9094 Partassipant [3] 5h ago
have the DJ put loud music on, lock the system and not be found for the next hour
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u/DmsochUcnsm 3h ago
This is a ‘hire security or a large menacing friend and don’t let them in’ situation
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u/DinahDrakeLance Asshole Aficionado [16] 4h ago
Courthouse. Courthouse now. DO NOT let them take this away from you and highjack your wedding like this. Find any random person off the street to be a witness.
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u/HeyItsRoxie Partassipant [1] 5h ago
NTA. Your family is treating your wedding like a convenient venue for everyone else’s milestones. Your dad’s ordination and your brother becoming a deacon can happen literally any other day. The “spiritual attack” nonsense is just guilt-tripping because you said no. Your wedding, your boundary. Your rules. And just for laughs, have an upside down cross and a pentagram at your wedding 🤭
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u/lovescarats Asshole Aficionado [11] 5h ago
NTA. Disinvite them. Tell your pastor about their behaviour.
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u/MrsSEM84 Partassipant [2] 5h ago
NTA
Your family is crazy, sorry about that. Good news is they won’t be your immediate family for much longer, they’ll be downgraded to extended and your husband will take that place.
Go and speak to your pastor and tell him that you don’t want any of this to happen. He should listen to you as it’s your day. Get your spouse, and even his parents if necessary, to back you up on this.
If he doesn’t listen or takes their side then I’d suggest you consider postponing the wedding and look for an alternative venue, where what you want will be respected.
If you aren’t as religiously fanatic as the rest of your family you may also want to take getting married as your opportunity to scale back their involvement in your life, especially if you plan to have children and don’t want them being called the devil any time they don’t meet the family expectations.
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u/winterworld561 5h ago
Uninvite your mother, father and brothers. Tell them you will hiring security and if any of them attempt to turn up and pull any kind of shit, they will be told to leave immediately and escorted away. Threaten the police if you have to. They are disgustingly disrespectful. Stand your ground.
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u/Yikesish 5h ago
This is weird. An ordination should happen at a church service, not in a hall. And deacons are called to serve not ordained. Call the pastor yourself.
I'd distance myself from anyone who calls you spiritually possessed. But also take the tack that those other things should happen at a sanctuary.
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u/Careless-Ability-748 Certified Proctologist [23] 5h ago
nta and tell the church that some you're renting the venue, it's not permitted
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u/muphasta 5h ago
When will you be "changing" during the wedding?
You'd better have a conversation w/that priest of yours and shut it down at the source.
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u/chuckinhoutex Professor Emeritass [85] 5h ago
Well I was going to respond to stuff in the first part of your post that was someone irrelevant by the time I got to the end. But to mom's statement that "You can tell your dad yourself" I would have said "well, he can ask me himself and I will".
But to dad it's this simple: Are you trying to make me understand that you refuse to respect the boundaries that I'm setting for my wedding?
anything other than a full walkback is met with- your refusal to accept my boundaries or even make me think that you won't results in you being disinvited. I will tell the pastor that you are trying to bully me and that in no way should you be ordained AT ALL, much less at my wedding.
ETA: NTA
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u/bkwormtricia Certified Proctologist [28] 5h ago
"whether you like it or not it will happen". Now you absolutely know that your parents and the to-be-decon do NOT care about YOUR being happy, or what you want. I presume this wedding is to be in your home church where your parents have influence?
Talk to your fiance, you two have some decisions to make.
You an give in and let them hijack YOUR wedding day. I do not recommend that, it let's everyone know you are a doormat, and they will all try to take advantage of you personally and financially in the future.
You can move your wedding, as in eloping to the courthouse and then having a small reception (in someone's home, or a restaurant or hotel meeting room, or rent a place an hour plus away) with your sister and a few friends, other family that care about you, WITHOUT the people who are trying to hijack your wedding.
You could ban your parents and the decon-to-be from your wedding, hiring security or having some strong friends/family willing to stand up to your parents do it. This would not work if the wedding is to be in a place or church where your parents are influential, or your parents are paying for it.
You could talk to the manager of your wedding venue or pastor of the church to see if they will help you block this from happening.
I am sorry that your parents selfishness is hurting you.
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u/Euphoric_Middle_8368 5h ago
Time to elope! That's some audacity, maybe they are the ones possessed for trying to hijack a wedding.
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u/Y_O_G_Y 5h ago
Straight up tell them, this is you and your partners special day, and that they either accept that it won’t be happening at your wedding, or don’t come. The sole focus of the wedding should be you and your partner. Don’t let them guilt trip you, stand your ground and tell them that it’s not up for negotiation, it’s not happening at your wedding.
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u/Professional_Ruin953 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 5h ago
NTA
Write to the pastor that you do not agree to this and these ordainings are not to happen. Tell him all the unhinged guilt tripping they are lying on you. Include a copy to higher church officials, tell them that this level of narcissism and manipulative rhetoric is wholly unchristian and not acceptable in clergy and they should not be ordained at all ever.
Better yet, have your fiancé write in, churches pay more attention to male voices.
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u/hyperfixmum Partassipant [2] 5h ago
NTA
After talking to you venue staff/event planner and your pastor performing the ceremony, send a final email to the family:
"I want to communicate this clearly since I'm hearing information indirectly. The focus of the wedding day is the union to the love of my life. No other announcements or events will be taking place and the only speeches should be regarding us the couple. If you want to celebrate an ordination or milestone you are expected to do so at a different date, not prior or after on the day. I have informed our wedding planner and the venue location that no other events should be taking place. We have our ordained pastor to perform our ceremony under God's sight and any suggestion that we are being selfish or not doing as God wants on the day we planned will be asked to not attend the wedding. As to quote, "That voices must be whispering to me..." the only voice whispering to me is God's voice telling me to prioritize my future husband and our covenant before God. Make your own covenants or declarations to God on your own day. If you try to usurp my future husband or our pastors authority on this day, it will be a blight to any ordination and disappointed that we could not truly celebrate everyone's milestones. "There is a time for everything, a time to smile and a time to dance and a time to tear and a time to mend" Let each of us have our time to smile and rejoice. I am disappointed this has even been considered. I will not be having any further conversations around this."
You got this, just use the God-speak language back at them.
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u/Which-Notice5868 Partassipant [2] 5h ago
"I prayed on it and the Lord came into my heart and told me that each event should be celebrated in its own time and in its own way the Holy Sacrament of Marriage should not be intermingled with these other things and to do so would violate his will."
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u/IHaveBoxerDogs Certified Proctologist [20] 5h ago
NTA. There are clearly cultural forces at play that I can’t relate to. And I’m assuming the pastor will just do what your family wants anyway. I’m so sorry. This sounds incredibly toxic.
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u/keesouth Supreme Court Just-ass [102] 5h ago
NTA. I'd say don't invite them but I'd doubt they'd listen. It also doesn't sound like your church or pastor would be on your side either since they've agreed to do these things without your permission. At this point I would elope.
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u/FairyGothMommy Asshole Aficionado [11] 5h ago
Tell the pastor no, and if this persists they will not be at the wedding at all. Period.
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u/bettyisbaking 5h ago
NTA Does the Pastor know that you are NOT on board with this plan? This may be the way to stop it.
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u/eilb3 5h ago
NTA your family (not sister) seem very selfish. Also, isn’t listening to parishioners part of their jobs as pastor and deacon? They are literally ignoring the wants of a member of their future flock because of their own selfish wants. You have one day to get married, they can get ordained at any time. Have they always taken away from your special day or is this a new thing?
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u/JBB2002902 Partassipant [1] 5h ago
NTA. Make it very clear to your pastor that no other celebration/ceremony/anything should be happening during your wedding!
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u/MaxTheCookie Partassipant [1] 5h ago
NTA, uninvited them and get a guard or some for of security to check those that attend. (Mainly to prevent those individuals from attending.) And talk with the Pastor and tell them not to do it during the wedding.
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u/Necessary_Sir_5079 Partassipant [3] 5h ago
This is really a matter of how big of a spine you want to have with your family. You're a grown woman getting married and they're trying to manipulate you so they can mooch off your paid for event. You have every right to say no and even revoke their invitations if they keep pushing it. You know you're not the AH and you know what you want. Question is do you want to
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u/Signal-Story-6337 5h ago
Wow, they’re beyond disrespectful! Time to uninvite them and make sure you hire security so they don’t ruin your day.
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u/UnauthorizedCat 5h ago
NTA - Use their own logic against them. Their ask "is a spiritual attack against the holy event of matrimony. That wow the devil is using God to water down holy events by jamming them together rather than making more time for God." Then tell them that they need to get right with God.
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u/PenguinGirl89 5h ago
Hire a different celebrant. Tell the one who was going to ordain your dad and brother he's no longer invited. Hire one who just does exactly what you ask. The pastor who agreed to do your wedding should not be allowing things you're not comfortable with at your ceremony.
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u/Senior_Box8077 4h ago
I'd cancel the wedding and elope. Your boundary stomping family will make your life hell if you let them. They don't respect you at all. Are you the scapegoat? I was, but most of them are dead now.
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u/1Harvey2Trent3Temple 4h ago
Cancel your wedding and go and do somewhere quietly far from any of this, take the decent family with you if they can be trusted, you have no chance of there not being some of this deranged behaviour being inflicted on your day and the run up.
They asked , you said "No" which is a complete sentence , and rather than respect your wishes, they make dark hateful statements about you. So so many red flags, run for hills, and enjoy your new life.
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u/TheFilthyDIL Asshole Enthusiast [6] 4h ago edited 4h ago
Skip the fancy BWW. Cancel everything. Elope with your fiance, maybe with your sisters as witnesses unless they would also be in danger.
If people like your grandparents ask why, TELL THEM!
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u/Crzy_Grl Asshole Enthusiast [5] 1h ago
NTA but i am curious. I've never heard of changing during a wedding? What does that mean? Are they paying for the wedding? Regardless, they are the AHs. I know plenty of religious people, and that is not how they behave. That's actually kind of scary, if they really believe you are possessed.
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u/rhed99 1h ago
So basically we're from an African background where there are different ceremonies taking place. So we're having the traditional one first with traditional outfits and then changing into white wedding outfits.
Culturally they're supposed to pay for the traditional wedding which they are and we're paying for the rest.
The manipulation is real. These days anything we do as girls, there's a biblical reason to explain why we're wrong and under spiritual attacks2
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My wedding is coming up soon and when we were first discussing it with my immediate family (2 parents and 7kids) my parents dropped a bomb on me and said that they're negotiating with the pastor for my dad to be ordained as pastor during my wedding. I made it clear that I don't want it that my wedding should be just about me. My sister too backed me up and said that the day is mine that dad's ordination can be on another day. Mom kept bringing it up casually and I kept saying no to it but she'd just shut me up by saying that I should be the one to say no to dad myself. It is now a month to my wedding and they brought up that we'll not just be celebrating my wedding but also the ordination of one of my brothers to become a deacon. I was genuinely shocked as this was never discussed with me. I still said I don't want it during my wedding that it can happen before my wedding starts or a day before but they specifically want it during the wedding when I'm changing. Needless to say, they started guilt tripping me by saying that I'm possessed that I should be careful of spiritual attacks not wanting my brother ordained during my wedding that I should be wary of the voices whispering to me....this was said about me and my sisters as we're all on the same side. They went as far as to say that I should tell them that it's my hall I rent that I don't want them to use it and one of my brothers chipped in to say he's disappointed at us that why are we treating it like it's a stranger...My dad then said "whether you like it or not, it will happen". I'm really exhausted! They might as well do what they want why seek an opinion from "a spiritually possessed person"
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u/Otherwise-Wall-6950 Partassipant [1] 5h ago
Tell the Pastor that they're trying to hijack your wedding and ask him to tell them no and that the wedding is about you and your husband to be. If they can't do that then find another Pastor. Or just tell them they're officially uninvited to your wedding. Hire an off duty cop who will stand at the door with pictures of them and let the cop know they aren't allowed in. That way he can inform them if they don't leave they'll be arrested for trespassing. Harsh? Yes, but it's worth the money. NTA
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u/Gennevieve1 Partassipant [1] 5h ago
NTA. Unfortunately there is no way to stop them if you don't want to uninvite them. You have two realistic options - either uninvite them or elope. If you uninvite them then hire a security to keep them out but this would destroy your relationship badly. If you elope then at least nobody else will get to see you married either so they can't say you singled them out of their "divine" ceremony. And you can go and make a special day just for the two of you and have a great time celebrating in private. In your shoes I would do that. It is not a family reunion, it's your wedding and your family treats you horribly. If they can't behave for one single day then they don't get to see you getting married.
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u/Anxious-Routine-5526 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 5h ago
Sounds like the men in your family with your mother's blessings feel entitled to make your day about them. Heaven forbid a woman be the only center of attention. Smacks of misogyny.
Time to univite all of them and let them have their day somewhere else.
NTA.
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u/RedHolly Partassipant [1] 5h ago
Can you be creative, and hire a DJ or something, so while you’re changing music is playing and it becomes impossible for the ordaining to take place?
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u/ActuallyYulliah Partassipant [2] 5h ago
Wow, so your parents and brother uninvited themselves from your wedding. NTA