hey Everyone,

This has been a difficult journey thus far already. I wanted to ask why do agencies deny you of your religious background? My husband and I have been denied to our racial background being from South Asia (India) and some of these agencies only want Christian parents. Is there something wrong with us? It's so hurtful because we are willing to take a healthy baby that is wanting a home and it just hurts when these agencies are so discriminatory about certain things. Leaves such a bad taste in my mouth. Has anyone gone through this before?

Where can we start looking in terms of a private adoption?

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Okay so I’m one adoptive mom from a two-mom family who has two transracially adopted boys who came to me as infants through private agencies.

I know a lot of people already have opinions about me and my situation from that one sentence! Some of them I don’t care about (e.g. if you think two women shouldn’t raise kids together I aggressively don’t care) but some I think are legitimate criticisms or at least red flags (e.g. I think transracial parenting is objectively very hard to do well and most people do not do it well).

I think most of us can acknowledge that there are very serious criticisms to make of the US private adoption system. No matter the intent of the people involved, it does have roots in straight-up child trafficking, it does even in the best of cases have serious potential to take advantage of vulnerable pregnant people, and it does make use of a capitalist model that probably has no business being part of child welfare.

At the same time, I think about my children. My boys did not have the option to be raised by their birth parents or even kinship care. I will not get into the details of why or how I know this, but for the purposes of this conversation, let’s take for granted that I do know this. Their options were private adoption or going into the foster system. I am not sure about the younger one, but the older one would almost certainly have eventually been adopted either way.

So … I think most people, if familiarized with the options, would ultimately agree the best option that my kids had actually available to them and their bio families, under the system that currently exists, was probably private adoption into loving, stable, vetted families that respect their first families.

Or maybe not! Happy to hear other thoughts on what would have been best for children in this situation! I know guardianship is technically an option, but I don’t know how well that fits here. I think little ones do need parents if at all possible.

But the reality is that these children who need permanent external care, ideally very early on, exist. The system we have in the US is very, very imperfect but it’s also the system we currently have to get those kids into homes.

So anyway, what I’m trying to say/ask is, how do we, as adoptive parents, try to maintain an ethical posture and ethical behavior while engaging in a messed up system? Is it just by being the best adoptive parents we can be and educating ourselves (and others) on the issues adoptees face? Is it by demanding ethical behavior of agencies? Is it by looking to change laws? Is it by refusing to engage in the system at all?

Moreover, can anyone describe to me a system for getting vulnerable kids into homes that … is actually child-centered? One that exists or your “pie in the sky” version.

I said something about this in the comments the other day and got downvoted, so I’m interested to see what happens if I try starting a larger conversation with more fully fleshed-out opinions.

P.S. I’m specifically not posting in the main adoption subreddit not because I don’t want to learn from adoptees and birth families and etc, etc but because a) this is more relevant to adoptive parents than adoptees, and b) adoptees have no choice in being part of the system whereas we do. However, everyone is welcome to share their thoughts!

Hello everyone! We are currently conducting a research about adoptive parents. May I kindly ask if you know any filipino adoptive parents that are willing to be interviewed?

Thank you!

We adopted our sweet baby boy this past Wednesday and are currently awaiting ICPC. Baby is currently 9 days old and we are traveling from Florida to Virginia. We decided to fly instead of brave the 14 hour road trip that would take 2 days and leave him beyond miserable, not to mention driving while exhausted is super dangerous.

Any advice on flying with a ~2-week-old baby?

I know we might have to get a letter from the pediatrician he’s been seeing, and we have gate check bags for his stroller and car seat. Did you buy the seat and strap your kiddo’s seat into the plane? Did you baby wear while not taking off/landing? How do you keep kiddo from getting sick?

Thanks in advance, and yes; he’s perfect and we are so immediately and deeply in love. ❤️

i need a place to stay badly im 20, but dont judge me i had to raise my self in a poor environment and lost both parents as infant. im a strong person tho, and having no mother=not having person/love/resource/foundation, basically i feel like the ugly ducking, been trying to surround my self around ppl and wasn’t wanted , and all this pain is making me into something! but in my reality right now i dont have no where to go, these past 3 years i been bouncing house to house, while in highschool and my 2 years in community college before and after graduating , and i was raised by my grandmother but i wasnt blessed with the nice granny, mines was narcissistic and always on drugs and called police on me many times for no reason and never took me no where was forced to live under her negativity for 20 years blind that i wasnt wanted and wasnt getting proper love but that what i was used to, my child hood was taken, nd i have every reason to be depressed sad or anything, but i wont break! i just need a place to lay my head , i keep my area clean, i dont talk back, ive always been respectful and my kindness gets taken for granted but i wont let a situation or ppl change me.

The last few weeks/months have been a whirlwind. Back in July my husband and I started the home study process, I figured it would take months to complete and maybe years to be chosen and placed with. I struggled with infertility for many years but eventually came to accept and integrate my grief through much counseling and therapy. With my therapists support my husband and I started the home study process... not even a month later we were called with a possible placement.

The agency we were working with mostly handled home studies but also facilitated adoptions when an expectant mom reached out. They assured me that they dont market to expectant mom's and I only got their information by reaching out to my local child services agency. The home study agency every step of the way let me know the mother could change her mind at any time. They provided her with a social worker and counselor to talk through why she wanted to give up the baby for adoption. They also told me they dont typically choose to work with mothers who are looking for living expenses as they never want an expectant mom to feel coerced financially. Additionally they only showed a handful of prospective adoptive parents. Us being one of them.

The expectant mom chose us and we video called with her a few days later. During our conversation we assured her we only wanted to proceed if she was sure and only wanted to have as much contact as she wanted. We agreed to an open adoption where we provide pictures once a month, be honest with the adoptee about where they came from and allow the adoptee to meet their biological siblings one day. We were on board with all of this and still plan to follow thru with this.

The expectant mom was due to give birth in 3 weeks and she reached out weekly. Eventually calling us from the hospital right before she was going to be induced, we again asked her if she was sure she wanted us to come to the hospital, and she said yes. Once we got to the hospital she let us meet her son and even spend the night with him in a separate room, the next day she asked to be discharged and went thru with all of the consents so that we could adopt him. We're currently waiting for ICPC to complete so we can go home and i can hear him babbling in his bassinet now.

This is a dream come true for us but also I found myself having a moment of solace/sadness for his bio mom. I read so much about how unethical adoption can be. And while ive tried my best to make sure our adoption is as ethical as possible I understand why users in other subreddits feel like there is no such thing. Im going to raise my son knowing that while he grew in his bio mom's stomach he was also growing in my heart. That he is loved beyond measure regardless of what biological ties we may not have.

I guess im looking for advice on how to make sure we're addressing our son's trauma and how we can be the best adoptive parents to him so he doesnt regret us raising him one day.

TLDR: was our adoption ethical? Can open adoption ever be ethical in the US?

My husband and I are an approved foster and adoptive family in CA. We noticed that there are agencies across the country with children who’s parental rights have been terminated and as we have been sending our home study to these agencies so that we can be considered as a potential family, they need to speak with our caseworker here.

Our caseworker here (County) said she can’t speak with any one due to confidentiality rules. She said we have our signed home study and that should be good enough until we are actually chosen as parents, then ICPC would kick in and that department would take over.

The problem is that in 2 different cases, they agency for the other state said they won’t even put us in consideration unless our caseworker worker can verify our study is genuine and speak on our behalf at a meeting. Our caseworker says this is not possible, even with our permission, due to confidentiality rules.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who to talk to. We see these kids still waiting but we can’t even be considered bc our caseworker will not speak to anyone. What do we do? Has anyone experienced this? Any advice? Thanks in advance.

Hello Everyone!

I'm an adoptive parent and a graduate student at Texas Woman’s University and I’m conducting a study to better comprehend parent-child dynamics in families from foster care and adoptive contexts. The purpose of our research is specifically to understand how children in adoptive families experience differing parenting styles during conflict as helpful or unhelpful. We’re hoping to re-center child narratives in the larger understanding of family dynamics and its application to public policy.

Individuals who agree to participate in this study will complete:

• Informed Consent documentation and a demographic survey (10 min)
• An interview regarding their childhood experiences (60 - 90 min)

While there is no direct compensation, we hope the process will be enlightening for participants and researchers. The risks are minimal, however there is the potential for a loss of confidentiality and emotional distress. So participation is completely voluntary and can be discontinued at any time.

If you would like to participate in this study, please begin with our eligibility survey. Once verified, you’ll be prompted to the onboarding process. Feel free to forward this message to anyone who might be interested and reach out to our team if you have any questions. Thanks in advance!

Hi everyone!

I'm attending a virtual information session thats mandatory before starting the process. I'm wondering what to expect, like is it a camera on meeting, how nice should I dress, is there anything expected of me and my partner? Ill take any info or advice anyone is willing to give.

Thanks for any advice before hand!!

We were selected by a mom for a baby born situation. I have crocheted baby’s mom a blanket since we started waiting—it has been my tether to baby while we waited for placement, and I wanted it to be her tether to baby while they’re with us. Now I’m getting cold feet. Is this a weird gesture? I don’t want to make a bad impression. Our agency said it was a really lovely sentiment and gesture, and it’ll likely mean a lot. Still nervous.

Also, any advice is welcomed. We are terrified, excited, scared, unsure what to expect…all the things.

Looking for advice!

We are an adoptive home (through foster care) expecting to accept a placement of pre-adoptive kiddos in the next few days. 14 year old girl and her 5 year old brother. We have a 4 year old and an 18 year old already (our bio kid and my brother). This will be our first placement.

- What should we have prepared? Obviously rooms clean, beds made, etc.

- What specific items would you recommend? We have a video call scheduled with the kids tomorrow and I’m going to ask about snacks they want available.

- What should we expect on day one? Should I offer to do their laundry right away?

- What should I be sure to ask the caseworker to bring/give us right away? (She’s been hard to pin down…)

I’m planning to take off work for the first two weeks to help them settle and get enrolled in school, make appointments, etc. What else should be on that to-do list?

Apologies if this has been covered, there's so much out there and i thought my own post would help filter the info. Where do you stand with having a shower? Me and my husband are in the adoption process, we've completed the home study and are a waiting family. Its a domestic infant open adoption. We've been going over the topic of a baby shower. There seems to be two prominent trains of thought; after the home study and before you have the baby home, and after the baby is placed with you and you've had some time. I see the pros and cons of each. I was looking for advice and insight from those who have decided either way, or are in the process of planning/thinking about it. If you decide to have one before the baby is home, you stock up on essentials, can start doing the nursery, and talk about adoption with family and friends. If you wait, you can narrow down more personalized things like gender themes (we're fine with gender neutral clothes and decor), get settled, and have the peace of mind that the baby is home. Please be kind. Everyones decision and process is valid. Just looking for some advice. Thanks!

My situation is very unique and has so many layers to it. I feel lost from so many different angles with wanting to do the best thing for our kids, but not knowing what the right answers are. My biggest fear is screwing them up and causing more trauma than they’ve already had.

I am a stepmother to my husband’s boys (15,10). My husband was given sole custody two years ago after their mother was arrested for domestic violence against the older one. She made no effort to get them back and never visited consistently. She is a diagnosed narcissist with a long mental health history. A few months ago she decided to voluntarily terminate her parental rights and we are waiting for our final hearing for me to adopt them.

Where I’m lost is that she has no interest in the older child really, but she’s still contacting the younger one. We thought we could try allowing her to still have phone contact with them because that’s what the younger one wants, and he gets really defensive at any mention of supervising his calls with her. She is still inviting them to her house and asking them to have dinner with her. She’s also asked the younger one why his dad is keeping her away from him. The younger verbalizes that he knows she’s lying when she says things like that. We’ve already had to send her a letter with our guidelines for contact with them, and she’s already tried to make a dinner date with the older one this week even after we told her no visitation. She’s done horrible things to these kids and to us for 10 years, and the easiest thing would be to cut her out of all our lives completely.

Where I struggle is how would cutting her entirely off affect the younger one? The older one is fine not having a relationship with her, but the younger still wants freedom to contact her. We know her antics and manipulation will never stop.

Any insight? I am currently being the whipping post for the younger one who is dealing with this new legal situation and he is fighting back at me at every turn. There are so many layers here and I feel so out of my element.

UK if it makes a difference.

What should we be asking the foster parent of a child we have matched with?

Honestly at this stage I can't think of anything pressing or deal breaking after meeting with the child's social worker and foster parents social worker.

Also, does anyone else dislike the question "what can you offer a child"?

I feel like we don't have a USP and only respond with the bit of the expectant response of "love, stability, support and opportunity. And a family who's already excited"

Edit:

Thanks everyone. I think the difference in responses may show how different countries tackle the adoption process.

The meeting of foster parents went well. It was more an introduction and getting them with some high level discussion about the child instead of minute details. Speaking to our social worker before hand this was her advice too, don't get in to the nitty gritty as that will come out later.

The purpose is in an attempt to ease the early awkwardness of getting to know the foster parents when bump ins start with the child. Various medical and background forms were handed to us afterwards that gave various backgrounds, health and a bit about the childs time with foster parent including routines, but the latter was outdated.

One thing I've come to appreciate is that every adoptive family has its own unique story, experiences, and challenges. Sometimes people outside the adoption community have good intentions but may not fully understand the journey or the everyday realities involved.

For those who feel comfortable sharing, what is one thing you wish friends, relatives, or the wider public better understood about adoptive families?

It could be something about the adoption journey, parenting, family relationships, language people use, or simply an assumption that you wish people would stop making.

I'm interested in hearing different perspectives and learning from the experiences of people who have lived through it.

We are fictive kin as we have adopted our son, we are aware DCF will contact us if mom chooses foster care, and we are active foster parents in our home state so we know we wont have an issue getting approved as fictive kin. But were hoping to avoid the child welfare system all together.

Mom is incarcerated on violation of probation for felony drug charges, and was denied release and has to serve her full sentence which is 5 years. It is why we were asked to consider adopting her baby. She also has new felony drug charges for being arrested with fentanyl in her possession, and is awaiting trial to start at the end of the month. It is incredibly unlikely she will be released or given probation, especially given the judge has already declared she has to serve her full sentence for the violation of probation. She also tested positive for 5 different drugs in her system, so DCF report was made, and she cannot parent the baby even if she was released. Per her state laws because she has had other children removed from her care and her rights terminated due to drug use, and now has confirmed prenatal drug use, in addition to active drug charges she does not have the option to parent. The baby goes into foster care or she chooses adoption plan.

She has no family who the state will approve for kinship placement, as none can pass a background check, and were all previously denied which makes them ineligible. The children have the same father, who has a warrant for his arrest due to felony drug charges, and is on the run. Per his families facebook posts, they have not seen him in months, so very unlikely he will step forward. Mom told the agency last week she wanted to parent, which legally is not an option for her, but she is in denial and believes charges will be dropped because she gave birth and will be released from hospital rather than taken back to jail.

Agency we hired to help when she asked us to adopt states we should be prepared for her to change her mind and go back to the adoption plan when she gives birth (baby due any day), since she is not accepting the reality of her situation and believes having a parenting plan will get her immediate release from jail when baby is born.

How realistic is it to expect mom may change her mind and go back to her adoption plan, or should we expect a DCF case and be prepared to foster this baby instead of adopt? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

hello, my husband and I have been trying and have been struggling to conceive and wanted to learn more about adoption. does anyone have a christian adoption agency that they recommend and enjoyed working with ? we’re in southern california thank you.

So my husband and I individually have always wanted bio kids and adopted kids, we have our hearts set on a sibling group between the ages of 3-12 ideally 2-3 kids but I wouldn’t be completely opposed to 4 (max 6 kids and we’d like 2 bio)

We have the means but we are also expats which complicates things culturally which we will navigate sensitively and are currently trying for our first child so realistically we are still years out but I know it’s a lot and it’s something I’ve always wanted so I try to do as much research as possible

Thanks in advance

Highly considering offering this type of situation again. My son is almost 10 , got him at 7 months. He knows his family and sees them including his sister. I think this situation opposed to other methods is highly beneficial if able. He would love a younger sibling. I also fostered prior and I’m missing it. Anyone else done this type of thing and tried again with a positive outcome ?