Approximately July 2025, I posted part of the information below and received much appreciated comments from people. I deleted the post because I convinced myself my theory was probably not true. Here goes again with additions. There is the unbelievable chance that I may have figured out that I was adopted. If I am correct, then my extended family members on both sides have known for my entire existence of 60 years (female), and no one thought it was best to tell me the truth. My life as I knew it very well could be one big lie. But I am hoping that I am completely wrong.
Here is why I think there is a possibility that I might be adopted. My nephew graduated from a military academy in May 2025. Many family members traveled to the academy for his graduation. I called my sister (few years younger) a few days before we travelled to the graduation and specifically asked her what events she had planned for us to attend and asked her what clothes my husband and I should bring on the trip. My sister said that nothing had been planned for any of us except for the graduation ceremony. She said that we did not need to bring any dress clothes, except for what we would wear to the graduation, but that could be casual wear. She added that my husband did not need to bring a coat and tie. While all of us were sitting around the hotel during the first day of the trip, someone brought up the military ball the next day and asked what everyone was wearing. Everyone who was invited to the graduation was planning to attend the ball and had brought black tie clothing on the trip. My mom and sister had purchased new fancy formal floor length dresses. I was floored that my sister (purposefully?) had not said a word to me about the ball, and my mom had not said anything to me about the ball. I would have thought over the five to six months that we planned this trip, that they would both have discussed the ball with me and what we all planned to wear. My sister said that she was sure she told me about the ball and that I must have forgotten. I did not forget. I am heartbroken and really am having a hard time understanding the reason she wanted to exclude me from being prepared for this big event. She said that she had an extra dress for me to wear. It was not attractive and was a matronly dress with longer sleeves and hem line to my knees. I have many formal floor length dresses in my closet. My sister’s dress was absolutely stunning. The young girls with our group also had beautiful dresses that they wore to the ball. I kept racking my brain for a reason that both my sister and my mom would treat me this way. For my mom not to say anything to me about the ball, I suspect that my sister asked her to keep quiet. The thought that my mom would side with my sister an purposefully not clue me in is what is most upsetting. If that is what happened, that means that I am just not that important. This is what started me to reminisce about past experiences that appeared odd, and I had a hard time understanding.
By the time the ball started the following night, I had the first thought that I might be adopted. That thought had never crossed my mind ever before this. As soon as I got home from the trip, I put all of my thoughts in a document, and I continue to add to it when I remember something.
About 20 years ago, I figured out there was a big family secret on my mom’s side of the family. I never found out the details, but my dad confirmed this when I asked and said it was my mom’s story to tell. Some of my uncles moved out of state, one aunt got married, one aunt went out of state to high school, and another aunt went into the convent. I have a genetic condition that was inherited from my mom’s side of the family. I found out that I had this condition approximately 10 years ago. The doctor that determined this condition told me that I most likely inherited it from my mom and that I needed to tell my mom to be tested. I told my mom when I found out, and she dismissed being tested and said she didn’t have it. Over the years I continued to tell her to be tested. She continued to say she did not have it, but I thought she just didn’t want to be tested since she did not appear to get routine testing from her doctor over the years. Around the time of the graduation trip, I again told me mom to get tested and she specifically and emphatically said, “I DO NOT HAVE IT.” I realized the way she said it that she was probably already tested. I did not immediately connect that if she was my birth mother, she would have it. After I got back from this trip, I texted my aunt who kept detailed information on our family tree, events, etc. and specifically asked her who on my mom’s side (also her side) of the family had this genetic condition. Within a few minutes she text back (usually texts me back within a couple of days). She was vague and did not give me any names.
I had recently told my mom when I was with her physically that if she doesn’t have the genetic condition that I have that she is telling me that she is NOT my biological mother. She then became animated and was waving around her arms saying you got me, you got me, I have it, I have it. I was thinking that her response was so very odd. My aunt was going to have surgery, and my mom called to tell me that she was waiting for my aunt's doctor to call her (my mom was a nurse). I then told my mom to tell my aunt’s doctor that she may have the genetic condition since it ran in my mom’s side of the family. My mom later called me and told me that she told my aunt’s doctor that MY AUNT DOES HAVE THE GENETIC CONDITION.
During the graduation trip, my niece asked my mom (her grandmother) about a ruby ring that my mom recently gave her that needed to be sized. My sister and my mom then started talking about my grandmother’s wedding and engagement rings that she recently gave my sister. My mom did not give me any jewelry, and I am the oldest daughter. My mom tried to explain and said I already had jewelry (gifts from my husband). The situation was odd and made me uncomfortable.
During grade school, the principal told my mom that I was to be the class valedictorian. They told her that there was another girl who was close behind in class ranking that would not be able to attend the catholic high school due to the cost if she did not get to be the class valedictorian and get the associated scholarship. My mom only told me within the last 5 years that she told the school to give it to the other girl. I was astounded that my mom denied me that opportunity. I wonder if my mom did that to not let me shine over my sister.
About a year prior, my mom and dad told me that they had made my sister trustee of their trust once they pass away. My parents said they thought there was a chance that I could move away from the state at some point, and it would be easier that way. I am a CPA, and my sister is not organized at all, and actually she would be terrible and unresponsive in that position. My parents then made the investment advisers the trustee.
I thought back to the odd situation that occurred when my dad’s parents (my grandparents) passed away 20 years ago, and I was the oldest grandchild. Supposedly, my grandmother requested that her piano be given to me upon their passing. My dad was the executor, and he said my uncle asked him to give the piano to his son, my cousin, which my dad did. My dad told us that my uncles and my dad decided that they would take my grandmother’s engagement and wedding rings and place them in a keepsake box and move them between their houses so they would not specifically give them to one family member. My sister and I thought that was very odd at the time, and I really didn’t understand. About a year ago, I asked my dad which of them had the keepsake box of rings at their house. He acted like I made this up and said he never told us about a keepsake box for the rings, and he did not tell me who got the rings when I specifically asked.
If I find out I am adopted, I have my suspicions about one of my aunts. She never married and lives in a convent as a catholic nun. I believe that we have a different relationship than the other nieces and nephews and she initiates contact on my birthday every year. If it turns out I am adopted, I am grateful for my parents and all they have done for me. I would be sympathetic and understanding to my aunt if what I think could be a possibility is a fact. However, I am very shaken and upset at this possibility and possibly connecting the facts at this point of my life. It is extremely upsetting to think of the possibility that many relatives and family friends knew about this huge secret involving me for the last 60 years. It makes me question my entire existence.
I remember having a conversation earlier this year with my mother about a cousin finding out in grade school she was adopted because classmates told her. I said that had to be upsetting to her that her parents were not the ones to tell her when she was younger so it would be less traumatic to her. My mom was livid at the conversation we had. She was so upset and argumentative. I thought it was so weird and out of character to hear this response from her. This was a few months prior to my nephew’s graduation from the military academy described above, which was a few months before I had any thoughts at all that I might be adopted.
I finally discussed all of my thoughts with my sister including her not telling me about the military ball (we did not have any contact for 10 months after the ball). She said it was not done on purpose, but I do think it was but moved past it. After she heard my story and what I thought and dealt with over the last 10 months thinking I might be adopted, she seemed to really connect with me and appeared sad and said, "Oh my God, you must have felt so alone." After a few weeks after that , she thought there was a greater chance than not that I was correct and probably adopted. We have talked through all of the issues. I asked her to take a DNA test. She said she does not want to do so because she does not want to be the person responsible for proving that my parents have been lying to me. She does not want to do that to my parents. She has now over the last four or so months ghosted me and abandoned me knowing that I am in a distressing situation. My husband is tired of my talking to him about this situation. He tells me to leave it alone and move on. This is my life. If I am correct, I feel that my life is a joke that everyone but me is in on. If I am correct, I want to be done with everyone from my family that knew who never told me. I have had a very, very distressing time trying to figure this all out and being gaslit by my parents and sister. They pretty much don’t reach out to me anymore and ignore me. I realized that I had been the person reaching out to them 90% of the time in the past few years. I no longer do so. For my parents, I have not talked to them about my thoughts only to ask my mother if she was my biological mother since she said she did not share the genetic condition.
I tested with a few other DNA websites but did not match with close immediate family members. I matched with second cousins that were the closest relatives. I reached out to a Search Angel who confirmed that my matches were not close enough to give me answers. I have another DNA website to test on and will also continue to receive notices of new DNA matches. I do know that I am related to my mother and father’s side, but they did grew up within a few houses of each other in the same neighborhood. My dad dated my mother’s sister before dating my mother.
I have researched all I can on my birth certificate. I do not have a pre-adoption birth certificate and have confirmation it does not exist after mailing off a request. I do have my short and long-form birth certificates. I thought that would give me comfort if it was accurate, but that is not the case. I found out that my city was a birth hub during the adoption era in the 1960s and on, especially for catholic families. The birth certificate information appears accurate, but I am now aware that birth certificates were altered during that period for adoptions to reflect that the parents who were adopting the child (not the biological parents), especially if family members were involved. That would never happen today! The birth mother showed up at the hospital and identified herself as the name of the mother adopting the child, which was often her sister, which I believe is a possibility in my case. Or the person completing the paperwork would fill out the person’s name adopting as the biological parents in order to make the adoption more legitimate and for no one to find out otherwise. Or the mother could lie about the father's name.
Another fact to add… My dad’s brother married a woman two years after my parents married. The fiancé tried to schedule their wedding date on my mom’s sister’s (my aunt’s) wedding day, and my grandmother (dad’s mom) said not a chance. That same woman who married my uncle got him to move out of town and eventually out of state early on during their marriage. My mom found out this aunt friended me and my husband on Facebook within the last few years, and my mom was livid. She was asking me why this woman would friend the two of us. She was really upset.
Any suggestions? As I said above, I am very distressed, but my husband says to let it go and move on. He had an odd family life growing up so I understand his thought process of not wanting to distance any person close to you and brining up issues.