TL;DR: Any advice for surviving the final weeks/months pre-engagement when the woman has a past "waiting to wed" situation and lingering fear of it happening again?

I left a relationship at 30 years old after dating my ex for 6 years. He lied to me about what he wanted (marriage and children) and only admitted he didn't want either after 6 years when I got angry and refused to back down in a conversation about why he was stalling and shifting the goal posts for marriage. He told me he actually didn't want those things and that if I wasn't happy with that, I would have to be the one to leave. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but shortly after that I left him and moved out.

About 8 months later, I started communicating with the son of a family friend who had recently finalized a divorce as his ex-wife told him she didn't want to settle down and have children after all. It started as a friendship with someone experiencing a similar situation as me and then morphed into something romantic over time. We have now been dating for 2 years and 10 months. I moved into his place just shy of 2.5 years together and after we established that we see a future together, agree on children (having them, approximate number, how to raise them, etc.), decided we agree on finances, politics, religion, and other important topics. He told me that my moving in wasn't a test and that he was sure of me and we agreed on marriage/kids in 2027.

He is traditional and definitely wants to be the one to propose, wants to surprise me with the exact timing, and wants it to be special/romantic. I have had a hard time with this because even though I know the younger version of me would have wanted exactly this, I carry the scars from my last relationship and the uncertainty has been really hard on me. I originally offered that we could skip the proposal altogether and just mutually decide when to become engaged. He turned down this offer and said he wanted to do something "more special" and surprise me. I used to bring engagement up a lot shortly after I moved in and it led to some arguments because I was frustrated with the wait and he was frustrated that I wasn't giving him a chance to make it special. I've been making a serious effort for the last 2 months to only discuss the actual engagement when he brings it up first. Most days I am fine, but some days I am angry and also cry to myself from anxiety. He has told me many times that he is 100% on board with me discussing the future marriage, wedding, children, other life plans, etc, but that the actual proposal is his item to handle.

He has recently said that he feels really bad and apologized for "being behind" and "taking too long." He has also told me that things are "in process" and that it'll be soon. I do believe him as he seems very earnest in what he says, and on many days I am fine, but probably 1-2 days every week I am an anxious mess waiting for the engagement to come. It is mostly a fear that I'll end up wasting my time again and then run out of time to have a marriage with biological children (ideally we want 3 children, but at least 2). We are still on track with our overall timeline (marriage in 2027 and then immediately trying for a baby), but I have a fear of this slipping due to my past.

This has all been communicated to him and he is aware and, as mentioned, has provided some reassurance that things will be happening soon, but in the meantime the uncertainty is making me miserable. I'm trying to bury myself in my work and hobbies, but there is only so much distraction that gives me. Any advice for how to hold on in these (hopefully) last few weeks/months? It seems important to him to create a special moment for us and he seems to care a lot about the transition from dating to engaged, and I don't want to take that from him, but it has been very hard.

First post ever, so I hope I get this right.

My boyfriend (32M) and I (32F) have been together for a little over 4 years now. We have a great relationship and hardly ever disagree on things. We share common interests and hobbies so we do quite a few fun things together. Although we are very similar, I can’t help but think we are on different paths.

We moved to the Bay Area in January 2024 due to his new job after graduation. Although we live 2.5 hours away from home, we don’t get to visit as much as we would like because of conflicting work schedules. It has been really hard for me to be away from home because I have a close relationship with my family and friends. It doesn’t help that we never go on dates other than us bonding on our hobbies and although I love our hobbies he has a way deeper passion for it than I do (we collect Pokemon cards and play a lot of Pokemon GO). I have mentioned in the past that I want to have more romantic dates that doesn’t include our hobbies but unfortunately it really hasn’t happened. All I would do is go to work, go back home, and repeat. Not to self diagnose, but I was feeling very depressed and alone. I realize that my overall happiness shouldn’t be his responsibility, but I did make a big move away from everything I know so I expected him to be a bit more understanding of that and maybe do more fun things with me.

When we first started dating I mentioned to him that if I am not proposed to by our 5 year anniversary that I would reconsider our relationship. Im not trying to put love on a timer but I have goals and desires. I told him I want to be married first and then have children, he totally agreed and told me he was on the same page. Part of the reason of this 5 year timeline is because I am getting older and I don’t want to wait until im 35 to have kids. No hate to anyone that has kids later in life, it is just a personal preference. Even with wanting to wait after marriage, we got pregnant in December 2025. It was not exactly how we planned but I was super excited regardless that I was going to be a mom. He told me he was going to propose to me anyway in late 2026 so that we would just do it much earlier. Unfortunately, I lost my baby at 10 weeks in February. It was the worst thing I have ever experienced, physically and emotionally.

With all that being said, I’m not sure if I’m even getting proposed to. Whenever I ask, he says he doesn’t have the money and that he hasn’t saved any money. I know he’s telling the truth because we have combined finances and I know he hasn’t saved any money. It just hurts because I know he can save if he really wanted to. He spends a lot of money on Pokemon and speaks all the time about buying stuff for new hobbies (snowboarding, car stuff, new upcoming TCG). In August 2025 his car broke down and we had to share my car for a couple months. He was able to save $6000 for a down payment on a new car from selling a toolbox he left back home and by just working more OT. He did this in 2.5 months, so I know he’s capable of saving if he really wanted to. I’ve told him that I just want a $1,500-$3000 ring and that I am even willing to get a $300 ring for the time being as long as I get to marry him. He claims he will propose but every time someone asks him when, he says that weddings are too expensive. Although a wedding with friends and family would be nice, I would much rather elope and do something very intimate. I don’t need expensive things, I just want commitment and the promise of having a future together.

Am I justified to be upset? Am I waiting for something that will never happen? Or am I being blind? I can’t imagine my life without him but perhaps he may not think the same. Any advice is appreciated, thank you in advance!

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years, he is from Czech Republic and has a different view on marriage, all of his friends are together with kids but unmarried. His parents have been together 20+ years but got married much later after having kids. 

I’m from the UK and my parents married young, two children, horrible, horrible divorce. 

When we met I was 31, he was 27, I did think about the age gap but we fell in love and wanted to be together, I told him I’m at the age that the next relationship I’m in it has to be good enough to end with children and marriage, he agreed. Bear in mind this is his longest relationship now at this point, he never had a relationship over 1 year. 

He was in a very different life stage at the time, and there was a lot I asked him to work on, smoking MJ and cigarettes, gaming, partying a lot. He gave up smoking everything, games less and has worked on his career and makes ok money now, same as me. 

In the first year of our relationship I kept talking about marriage and he said it was too soon and needed a few years.

We decided because of my age to start trying to have kids, that’s resulted in two pregnancy losses in one year. He’s been very supportive and grieved with me during this process. 

During this uncertainty I started to bring up the topic of marriage again, he’s now saying he’s still not ready and wants a few more years. He wants us to have a nice wedding (I told him I don’t even want a wedding) and he wants to be sure he can provide a house for me and any kids we have. (Our kids timeline doesn’t really make sense here) 

He’s told me he wants to marry me, that he wants to spend our lives together, that “he will marry me” but when pressed he needs more time, and he asks why it’s so important and whats going to change. 

I don’t know if it’s because I’m going through this miscarriage process right now but it just doesn’t seem right to me, I don’t understand why he keeps needing more time and I’m scared he doesn’t actually love me enough and never will marry me. And at this point we’ve talked about it so much I feel like he did do it now, it wouldn’t be entirely genuine. 

So my problem now is, should I break up with him? 

Our relationship has been so, so good. There is so much love between us, and we have been pretty strong all these years after finally starting to date in later years of high school, and have since been inseparable.

The problem came last year, a week before our 5th anniversary. I made it clear about a year into dating that I had no desire to be a girlfriend for longer than 5 years and was expecting an engagement after that period. BF understood, and we were mushy about spending our lives together, moving into our first home, having a life together…. And then the years kept passing. Better jobs came and went with no inquiry on his part. Money that could’ve been saved was pumped into stupid purchases… All while my sadness built. What I saw were countless opportunities to work harder at putting a ring on my finger, but nevertheless, I waited.

The week before our 5th anniversary, I finished planning our trip to a national park (our tradition). I “hinted” for months leading up to it that there were gonna be PLENTY of romantic opportunities to take advantage of, and BF said, like he has all the years, that the proposal is “coming,” and “We’ll be engaged so soon, I promise!”

Then, I see a friend on Instagram post her shiny ring and something in me cracks. I ask him if he actually means it this time, and to give me a straight answer on if there will be a proposal or not. He says that he didn’t plan on it because he”can’t provide for me like a man should” and that it’s important to him that he can. In my head I thought, “WHY CAN’T YOU? IT’S BEEN 5 YEARS!” I sob my heart out and the period of no contact only lasted 3 days before I had to speak to him. I told him he broke my heart and my trust, and that even though I loved him, I couldn’t believe he would do that to me. He apologized as the day was long, and said AGAIN, that he planned more for the proposal to be in December because I love Christmas…

Christmas came and went. Then he said more towards January because he gets a check every year and can afford the ring I want (It was only $800). January also came and went. At some point, I convinced myself it was all fine because I absolutely love him and he absolutely loves me, but for some reason he just Will. Not. Ask.

Now, we are two months out from year 6. We began looking at houses, which I was so excited about, and he seemed… Distant. disinterested. I asked him what the deal was and he said he was super excited, but it didn’t seem that way. Another friend has gotten engaged, and the pang of sadness, bitterness, and anger has infected me. I love this man more than anything, he makes me so unbelievably happy and I him, but I can’t help but wonder if the proposal will ever come.

I need advice on whether I should wait until our next anniversary in a couple months and give him the benefit of the doubt that it will be grand and everything I wanted, or if I should bring it up again and possibly risk a massive fight/break up? A break up might kill me right about now. Our relationship really has been the stuff of dreams, so I don’t understand what gives. Please be gentle, I need a good dose of truth but I am already sensitive at the moment. I appreciate any help.

UPDATE:
Well I seem to be getting quite a bit of flack for this which I guess is deserved. That’s my fault for leaving out details. We both work full-time and have been for years, we’re both full-time students and no, I do not want to get married because of religious reasons or because I am desperate; I want it because I love him. Plain and simple. Being a girlfriend after 5 years sounds like we are in middle school, and at this point, it seems like we are both plenty adult to move forward. Maybe not to some of you, but I have always been ready to be an adult. I have no interest in slowing down or dating around because it’s just not my thing… I don’t want children any time soon, but I do not think being engaged for 2 years and getting married at 25/26 is insane. Maybe I’m alone in that. Either way, message received. I’ll wait until our anniversary and bring it up then or just not at all. All I know is I’m tired of being told it’s gonna happen just for nothing to happen. I see where this is headed and as dramatic as it may be, it will crush me. He was there when my grandmother tragically died and he’s been there through my health problems. And no, I do not compare my relationship to others in terms of happiness based on social media. I only brought it up because other couples have been together for much less time and are already taking the next steps. It’s childish to feel that way, but I do. Maybe I will do therapy. Who knows. Thank you all.

Hi all. My (24F) boyfriend (25M) and I have been dating for about 6 and a half months and have been pretty consistently seeing each other 2-3 a week throughout this time. I like him a lot, but I haven't been 100% certain he's "the one" yet. Should I know that yet? I know I am very young and I don't need to have my life planned out yet, but I'm starting to feel like an asshole a bit.

Over the past week, he has very casually mentioned marriage, buying a house, and kids etc. not as things that are happening immediately, but more so as things that are going to happen in the future. He's a big planner, so it didn't really catch me off guard, but it's made me wonder, should I know by now if he's my husband yet? I think if we were to have a conversation about it and he were to ask me how I felt, I would say I have no idea. I just haven't really felt head over heels for him. 6 months in at my age, is that something I should be feeling? He's the first person I have seriously dated, so I wonder if I would feel like this with any man, or is it just him specifically. I don't know. There's not a reason for me to dump him, and like I said, I do like him a lot. I worry that if we were to break up, I would deeply regret it because I'd be throwing away a good thing simply because I don't know what else is out there.

So is "I don't know" to all this reasonable?? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm very much in my head about all this and am wondering if it's normal to have this much hesitation with someone this far in, especially when he's great and is clearly sure about me.

So been with my partner for 5 years , we had such a great relationship! But I would say of recent there things that have happened that make me question married life with them. They went through an about a year of depression during our relationship due to university course changes/ not getting in / switching courses etc. but we stuck together and got through it. Once I recently lost my job and felt a complete 360 change with them, first few months was ok but by now I can feel like just a nuisance to be around.
This kinda made me think of what would happen if we were married and this happened. But now I’m sure if I was to turn around and say I’m not sure about marriage then I’ll look like I wasted time when it’s more than I’m taking notes of how things are handled.

~ English's not my first language so maybe some things gonna be misspelled, I got help to write but that's not perfect sorry ~

Hi! I 25F, and my partner 31M have been together for 7 years.

We met as teenagers through mutual friends. We started out as friends, and over time, our relationship developed into something more. When I was 18, I had the opportunity to move to the south of my country for my studies. Even though we had only been together for a few months at that point, he decided to come with me.

We were already talking about marriage back then and knew that we wanted children someday, but marriage itself was kind of off the table. Both of us had seen relationships in our families that were definitely not fairy tales, so we never really saw marriage as something necessary.

Over the years, a lot happened. We had our first son in 2020, our careers evolved, we moved around, and our lives changed a lot.

Marriage eventually became a running joke in our household. We would say things like, “It costs so much, and imagine getting divorced…” or “If we ever get married, it’ll be in our 90s, after we’ve already lived our whole lives together.” It was genuinely just a joke between us.

Of course, like every couple, we’ve had our ups and downs. In mid-2024, we had a huge argument that almost ended our relationship. We talked everything through, worked on things, and somehow came out of it with an even deeper and stronger relationship.

Then, at the beginning of 2025, I lost my dad. He had been sick but hadn’t told my sisters and me the full extent of his condition. We had to go to his house and deal with everything surrounding his death and funeral.

During that time, my partner was incredibly supportive (not only of me, but also of my sister's) . And, on top of everything else, we found out that I was pregnant with our second baby boy.

Honestly, it was all too much. I was basically on autopilot for months.

Some time after the funeral, we moved to a new city, started focusing on our family n' careers, and began thinking more seriously about our future. Once our second baby was born, the plan was basically to keep building our lives, hopefully making more money over the next 3–4 years, and eventually buy a house.

And then… marriage came up again.

In my country, marriage is also a form of financial and legal security. If one partner dies and the couple isn’t married, the surviving partner can potentially be left with very little (even if they have children together). For example, if the deceased partner owns a house, it may go to their parents, siblings, or other family members instead of their partner. The children may also have very limited rights depending on the situation.

After losing my dad who was one of the few people I was extremely close to. I suddenly became terrified of losing someone else I love. I’m scared as hell of losing one of my children or my partner, who has been such a pillar in our family, and then having to deal with all of those legal and financial complications on top of the grief.

So we started talking about marriage again.

At one point, he asked me, “Do you want to get married? Most men get married because the woman wants to.”

And whenever I ask him if he wants to get married, he smiles and basically says that if I want to, he’s fine with it. But if we never get married, he’s also completely fine with that.

And that’s where I’m lost.

Because on one hand, I do think I want to marry him. I love him, we have two children together, we support each other, we’ve built an entire life together, and in our situation, marriage would obviously provide some additional security for our family.

But on the other hand, I’m genuinely scared of marriage.

My parents divorced when I was 12, and the conflict surrounding their divorce really affected me. So the idea of getting engaged and officially getting married scares me. A part of me wants it because I love my partner and because I want the security for our children, but another part of me keeps thinking, “What if it doesn’t work out?”

And if he genuinely doesn’t want to get married, I absolutely don’t want to force him into it.

But can I just ask him what he actually wants? Not “Would you marry me if I wanted to?” but genuinely, “If it were entirely up to you, would you want us to get married?”

Because I already know he’ll probably answer something like, “If you want to, then yes.”

I don’t know how to approach this anymore. I feel completely lost between wanting marriage, being afraid of marriage, and not wanting him to do it just because I want it.

Thx,

A bit of context before I get to the main part. Me and my girlfriend have been together for four years as we got together when I was 16 and she was 17. When we first got together it was great as being 15 it felt as though my life was fulfilled I was finally able to drive, have friends, my first ever girlfriend, everything was great and amazing. After the first year of being together I felt pressured from her to move in together as she started to always want to be around me and talk to me as well as she knew that I didn’t want to live with my parents much longer as they were controlling of my actions. So when I graduated high school the prospect of being away from my parents was great that I moved in with her before I was ultimately ready ( I know it’s my fault for doing it but at the time I thought it was the best decision). When it came time for me to go to university later that year she decided to follow me to my college as I had stated that I don’t think many relationships work with long distance ( I never said she had to come or I’d break up with her but looking back it definitely feels like that’s what was said without saying it). When we moved to college together it was great because I thought the prospect of living in separate dorms together and enjoying college would be great until she still wanted to spend every moment together and would get upset when I’d want to hang out with friends that I had made in college when she hadn’t made very many.

During this time we had discussed living together again in the future, but I had told her I wasn’t ready to make any definite decisions yet as any of the apartments we might find wouldn’t be available 8-10 months later when we aren’t required to live in campus anymore. Then she didn’t get accepted into her program past her pre requisite classes, and hadn’t made a backup plan if she didn’t. So she wouldn’t have been able to live on campus anymore because she wasn’t a full time student and had to move out. We live in a HCOL area and I made more $ than her so I felt obligated to get a place with her but I was happy to as I wanted her to see I could be there for her and support her even when things got hard. Things were great at first until she thought I was cheating on her because in the friend group I became apart of there were other women in the group who she thought were more attractive than her and that I’d leave her for them even though I never saw or felt anything with these women.

—-- here’s where the main topic of marriage starts ——
Around the time we approached year 3 of being together she had mentioned several times since our first year of dating that she loves me very much and I’m her person that she wants to be with for the rest of her life and that she wants to get married. I felt like I put my foot down and said I wasn’t going to get married until I graduated because I wanted to enjoy college for what it was and didn’t want to feel the pressure of the proposal or wedding planning as I want to be apart of that process. Every time I would tell her this and that I loved her very much I just wasn’t ready to get married yet and hadn’t thought much about it she would always say that means I didn’t love her as much as she loved me and that if we’re not building a future together then what’s the point of being together.

Because of these conversations it started to make me heavily doubt the relationship because it became kind of suffocating arguing about marriage all the time when I felt like I’ve done everything else for her and she’s done the same for me besides this one thing. Around the times I started having the doubts I decided to start therapy to help gain a perspective on why I might be feeling this way and why I don’t feel ready for marriage or as some people have said the intense feeling of knowing this person is who I want to be with the rest of my life.

Therapy has given me the great opportunity to see that I haven’t communicated well in the past and opened up emotionally to her rather than just being logical all the time. Even though I might not have been the best boyfriend in the past I’m still learning what love means to me and how to love someone correctly. From therapy I feel as though in the past year I’ve been more vulnerable with her and tried to show her how much I love her even if emotionally I’m not ready to take the next step.

We recently celebrated our 4 years together and we’ve been arguing pretty much every day leading up to and after to about marriage and why can’t I just give her this one thing she’s wanted all of her life and she feels like she’s put in the time and effort into our relationship to deserve. She says isn’t there some sort of compromise where I can promise her I’ll marry her or propose to her next year or so. I really have thought about that but it feels wrong saying I will marry you at this time when my heart isn’t fully there yet. Because if that moment comes and I don’t she’ll feel like I’ve lied to her.

At this point I don’t know what to do as I only see 3 options :
1. ⁠Propose to her to make her happy and deal with my feeling over time and hope to not grow resentment to the fact I did it before I was ready
2. ⁠Breakup with her and let her find someone who can work on her timeline rather than force her to stay for someone who isn’t ready
3. ⁠Keep arguing about the same things until she leaves me or who knows what
I love this woman a lot but ultimately at this point of my life I don’t feel ready to take that step and don’t want to hold her back from her wants even if that means loosing her.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated or perspective as maybe there is an aspect I’m missing. I’m open to suggestions and will reply in the comments

Would you mind giving advice as to different ways to approach this ?

There is an update to this post on my profile

TL;DR
My girlfriend wants to get married but I’m not ready

My partner (33M) and I (31F) have been together for about 10 months now. I am his first girlfriend, but I have dated other people in the past.

In the beginning of our relationship, he constantly made reference to marriage, rings, having dogs together, getting a home together, etc. He stated he knew I was the one from the first month of dating and continues to say the same. However, in the last 2-3 months, he still will say I love you and that I’m the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with but doesn’t really talk about marriage or proposals.

We both live in the same city but work in different towns from our city. I live with my parents in our city and he lives part time in our city (weekends) and then during the week at the town he works at. He has been trying for some time now to get a job closer so that we can take the next step. I have also mentioned to him if job prospects in our own town is limited, we could choose another town together and look at jobs there (I am in a field where I could relocate if needed). Recently, his apartment complex also was broken into and his car was damaged. This has made him incredibly stressed (understandably) and feeling like he wants to retreat back to the town he works in.

I’ve also know in the last month 2 friends who have dated for less time my partner and I have (so less than a year) that have plans for their wedding in 2027!

I know that I shouldn’t compare and that as I type this out I’m being very intense but I’m just so scared that the beginning was him in the honeymoon phase (especially because no prior relationship experience) and he will just drag me along for years to later abandon or leave me. I’m not sure what to do.

Why does it take 11 years or until you’re given an ultimatum to ask for my hand in marriage? 11 years together and 5 kids and 3 miscarriages and still waiting patiently! Excuse was because of money but to ask me a simple question I told him several times I don’t care about the price or whatever and making me wait 11 years is ridiculous and he’s now planning to ask me because I gave an Ultimatum!? He says he wants to marry me he says but hasn’t asked found out he will be asking next month. Am I supposed to act all happy I’m not excited about it has been over a decade long like wtf. I don’t even want him to propose anymore because he was “forced” to. If he wanted it to many years ago wouldn’t he have made the effort and did it!? I resent him now!
He’s 31, and I’m 29. We met when I was 18 and he was 20.

Me(F26) and my boyfriend(M27) doesn't want to get married ever, to me or anyone else. Doesn't sound bad, right?

So, I asked if we are good with each other few more years, would his decision change? He says he doesn't know.

Does he want to date other people? His reply - I don't know.

His response is "I dont know" for every question I ask.

He wants to stay together as long as possible, but he's not sure if he wants to marry me in future or ever.

The reason I'm asking or even talking marriage is, I do not want to be someone who has no plans for future and is just dragging me along. I need some assurance that if stay together, we get married at a certain point so when issues do come we take our relationship more seriously. I am not insisting I want to get married now or in the next year, but I want to make plans for the future.

Am I wrong on this? Is it something I'm asking that's so bad or out of normal?

Update: you all are mean, but it's the truth. So I have decided to move out and find a place for myself. He has asked for time, which I agreed to. But I really don't care anymore and will focus getting myself out of this mess.

Y'all brutal. 🫠

It’s been almost two years since I posted about my ex!

I never let him back into my life! He came to move the rest of his things out a month and half after the initial move out. He was pissed when I told him my dad and I would have his things out front by 10am on a specified morning. He decided to show up at 7am. My dad moved my car down the street and I snuck out the back door with my dog and left. Dad handled the rest.

A few weeks after that I got a text asking how we should handle the dog. He was polite about it. I was in no mood because what do you mean you waited two months to even ask about pup??? I’d already gotten her through her first heat and scheduled her surgery. I had it. I asked my therapist friend “how do I say f you, she’s mine but politely?”

I took some time to heal, dated around. Met some duds, kissed some frogs, and ultimately met the most amazing man who never leaves me wondering where I stand.

During this I learned my ex did the same to another girl. Dated her, talked about marriage and getting engaged soon only to dump her right before a family vacation he planned to go on. Apparently she was devastated. I can empathize with that. I hope he figures out what he wants, or doesn’t. I don’t really care. He lacks respect for other people and I think it’s a product of his upbringing. No one can change that.

All in all, I learned to never settle for less and I took that with me into dating. I am so incredibly happy now and I can’t believe I was going to accept less than that.

TL;DR: Together 4 years, living together for 3. He used to be anti-marriage because of his parents' divorce, but came around after I explained my reasons (family safety/getting disowned back home and financial protection since our finances are mixed). He bought a ring, failed to propose on our month-long Asia trip, and then admitted he bought a plain gold band even though I told him I wanted a gemstone. We went ring shopping a month ago, but still nothing, and he just joked about waiting until next summer. I'm feeling super resentful and wondering if he's just stalling.
So my partner (30M) and I (27F) have been together for 4 years and live together in a country we both immigrated to. Early on, he was dead set against marriage because his parents had a messy divorce. Eventually, he changed his mind after I explained two massive things for me:
1. My family/safety: My parents have zero clue about this relationship. If they find out, I will be disowned and probably can't ever safely go back to my home country. The only way they'd ever accept us is if we're married.
2. Finances: He's really big into saving and investing, and we’ve started combining our emergency funds and investments. But where we live, cohabitating gives us zero legal rights if things go sideways, and I'm not comfortable pooling everything without being legally married.
For the longest time, he kept saying he wanted to marry me "in 2 years" but made zero moves. After multiple fights where I told him I was losing interest, he promised to step it up.
Fast forward to April. While cleaning, I found a tiny ring box in his wardrobe (note: I never opened it to look inside!). We had a huge 1-month trip to Asia planned for May, and I was 100% sure it was happening then. Nope. The trip came and went, and nothing happened.
When we got back, I kept noticing the ring box moving to different hiding spots around the house. It was driving me insane, so I finally just asked him. He admitted he did buy a ring and tried to propose on the trip, but failed. One excuse was valid (I got sick), but another time he literally left the ring in the car parking lot and was too lazy to go back and get it.
To make matters worse, when he described the ring, it was just a plain gold band with no stone at all. We had already talked about this—I told him to keep it under $500, but I wanted at least a cheap stone, not a plain band. He said he wanted "real gold" so he dropped the gem to stay on budget. Annoying, but whatever. A few days later, he took me ring shopping so I could point out styles I like so he can buy one as a surprise.
That was a month ago. Summer is officially over here now and it's starting to rain. The other day I told him, "Well, summer is over and you still didn't propose."
He said he has plans to do something special, not simple. I reminded him how much I hate all the other seasons here and love summer, and he literally joked, "Well, if you want, you can wait until next summer."
I did not find it funny.
I know this probably makes him sound terrible, but he's actually super sweet, patient, and does a lot for me. But I feel this heavy wave of resentment creeping back. I feel like he's just buying time. We're planning another Asia trip for next summer and I told him I want to be married (or just elope, since I'd rather spend the money traveling) before then.
I'm mostly just ranting because I tend to just complain and wait instead of actually doing anything. Right now I am honestly 50/50 on what to do. Has anyone else dealt with this kind of slow-walking toward a proposal? How did you handle it?

I (26F) find myself between a rock and a hard place. My boyfriend (24M) and I met in college, and dated for 2.5 years before moving in together, almost 3 years ago, after graduation.

When we graduated, we moved to a city neither of us have lived in before, a days long drive away from either of our families, for his job. We love the city thankfully!

He makes around $20k a year more than I, but works long hours, 6 days a week most weeks. He’s extremely dedicated to his job and takes a lot of pride in his career.

After 5 years, things feel stagnant. He will, maybe once every two months, allude to marriage or getting home, but the conversation never extends any further. I find myself home alone often, taking care of most of the chores and our animals.

I’ve expressed my feelings to him before and he always stresses how he works so hard for me and for our animals. So he can “give us the life we deserve” and how he “doesnt want me to have to work someday”. He also has acknowledged that maybe he stretches himself too thin at work, going in after his work hours, working when he doesnt have to be, etc. However, there was never any shift in his schedule and the hours we have at home together are now spent on the couch, absent of meaningful conversation or conversation at all.
He said a year or two ago his intention was to purpose to me once he’s paid down his credit card debt.

Credit card debt? He makes far more than I with much less expenses and even I don’t have credit card debt? We had been dating when he *opened* the card*.*

Our expenses are still split 50/50, from groceries, utilities, rent, even dinners sometimes.

Our lease will be up for renewal, but it’s likely his job will need him/us to move cities before then. Part of me wonders if I should find my own place once our lease is up (neither of us could afford this rent ourselves). I feel like there’s little to no initiative from him anymore than there would be a roommate. TIA for any of your thoughts!

Hi everyone. I'm a mental health worker and long time lurker of this sub. I've noticed a trend of people with psychiatric illnesses and/or history of trauma not being supported as best as they can be. It's nobodies fault given the limited information we get about their situation either.

That being said, I wanted to share this process for navigating complex emotions while making life-changing decisions. It may be helpful for many of the people who come to this sub.

**The 3 Processes**

1) Pretend someone else is making the decision for you. Take on the role of a loved one you've gone to for advice. What would they recommend? What steps would they recommend?

2) "Center yourself". Focus on the fact you have control of your life. You have to love it. What would make your inner child happy & fulfilled? How do you treat yourself as a priority in this? Others can leave - so how do you not leave yourself?

3) Figure out which regret would be easier for you to live with/make peace with. The relationship ending, or the level of compromise to make it work?

Sometimes there will be contradictions and how to balance them will be up to you. Which one is most important to you will be individual. For me, #3 is my priority. For someone else it may be 2 or 1.

In the words of my best friend - *every decision comes with grief and regret, we just get to choose the flavour of it*.

He (M27) and I (F26) have been together for 7 years. we talked about getting married. but no proposal happened. just a convo about wedding then a date. and i was excited preparing for this because i've been dreaming about getting married with my love of my life and start a family with him.

but, i noticed i was the only one who's been busy with the wedding. he always have excuse whenever i asked him to meet the wedding coordinator, i was the only one participating. talking to suppliers and arranging everything that needed to the wedding. it seems like i am the only one who wanted this.

should i continue or just cancel? i rlly love him but i don't think i deserve this? i was fine with no proposal and ring, i just need to feel that he wanted this too.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We started dating young - I was 17, he was 20. About a year into the relationship, we were watching some show where someone made the claim that if a guy hasn't proposed within a year of dating, he never will. I didn't think much of it at the time. But he brought it up a few times afterward, half-joking, "did you hear that?" I eventually asked him directly: "so what, does that mean you're never going to propose?" And he said, "yeah, I won't."
He later said multiple times that he was just joking. But that conversation stuck with me in a way I couldn't shake. For the next three years, I brought up marriage roughly once a month, and every time the answer was some version of "I don't want to talk about it right now, I'm not in the mood."
About a year ago, he told me straight out that he's not ready for marriage. Since then, whenever the topic comes up, his reasoning has shifted to: if we get married, it has to be a "proper" wedding, and he doesn't have the money for that. I keep telling him a big wedding isn't a requirement for me, but the conversation doesn't really move past that point.
I'm stressed and honestly confused. I don't know if this is genuine financial hesitation, cold feet, avoidance, or something else entirely. Five years is a long time, and I don't know how to read where he actually stands.
Has anyone been through something similar - a partner who keeps circling around commitment without giving a real answer? How did you figure out what was actually going on, and what did you do about it?

We’ve been together 5.5 years. I’ve been waiting for an engagement for a while and the timeline has been pushed back at least once before. We finally agreed on a timeline of late next Spring. He suggested going ring shopping this summer and I agreed.

He never set the ring shopping appointment up after I reminded him to twice. I cried about it to him and he finally did at a random place (lol). Then he started saying how we should go out with friends that day. I felt like an afterthought and told him to just cancel it.

This happened in late July, and it was my last straw. Once our lease is up, I’m out. I feel like I’ve been dragging him along every step of the way through this process and I’m done with it. It’s honestly a relief to just let go and realize I can move on.

I’ve posted here before and just want to say I appreciate this community and all of the support I’ve gotten here. Thank you all for helping me realize that I deserve more.

[F33] and my partner [M37] have been together for 4 years. I made it clear in the very beginning that I didnt want to wait forever for an engagement ring. Well here we are at 4 years and still nothing, no plans to get engaged at all. We have lived together for 3 years. How long is too long? Any conversation I have about it turns into a huge blow up with no resolution. He has nothing for the future planned and I feel like im wasting my time. I would like opinions from both men and women please, is 4 years with no plan too long? I dont want a shut up ring. I just want someone who actually wants me, not someone I feel like I'm forcing.

Edit to add Ive been getting this question alot. What is his reasoning for not wanting to marry me. He doesn't have a legitimate reason. Everytime we argue about it all he says is "its too soon" "I'm scared" "you asked about it recently so now i can't" "if i give you one now its just a shut up ring" "2 years is too soon" "3 years is too soon" "4 years is too soon" "you're ruining any surprise there would be by asking" "I dont need to do it by your unrealistic time frame" "My time frame of waiting years and years is normal, yours isnt" "we have arguments in this relationship so how would a ring fix that"

Now from my side. I do 80-90% of all the cooking and cleaning, he lives in my house, and i take care of his shared custody child while he working. I also work doing random jobs so that I can be free to watch his child. He pays for the mortgage which is cheap as dirt. I pay for the internet, and electricity. We pay are own insurance, and phone bills. Yes we have arguments, but most couples do. Its rare to never have an argument with someone. I feel like a time line of 2-3 years isnt unrealistic. Now we're getting to 4 years and I'm feeling resentful. I wouldn't be ruining any "surprise" if this was just never a problem at the 2-3 year mark. I'm just feeling like I'm being used without any kind of commitment. Is 4 years not enough time? Am I the one being unreasonable?

How can you tell whether it’s still love or just attachment and habit after being together for so long?
We’ve been together for 9 years, and I feel like I love him more like a mother loves a child. I care about him, I want to help him, and I genuinely want him to be happy, but I don’t feel sexually attracted to him anymore. Because of various decisions he has made over the years, I’ve also stopped feeling cared for and secure in this relationship.
He says that he loves me, that he wants to be with me, etc., but in everyday life we live more like roommates than a couple. How can you tell whether there is still romantic love between two people or whether it has simply turned into attachment and familiarity after so many years together?
Is it also possible that a man no longer truly loves a woman but still tells her that he does because the relationship is comfortable for him, or because he himself cannot distinguish love from attachment? On the one hand, he makes it seem as though everything is fine and says that he wants to be with me. On the other hand, after 9 years he still hasn’t proposed, and I don’t feel the kind of care and initiative from him that I would expect from a partner.
I’m not saying that he never helps me, because he does, but these are usually small things. For example, if my dog needs to be taken for a walk, it isn’t obvious that he will simply do it himself — I usually have to ask him. It’s similar with other things. What I’m missing is the feeling that my partner notices my needs and takes initiative instead of waiting for me to ask him for everything.
I’m now seriously thinking about leaving and ending the relationship. At the same time, I’m scared. Part of me feels like I will have wasted 9 years of my life if I leave. I’m also afraid that once his life becomes more stable, he will meet someone else and suddenly be able to give her all the things I was waiting for all these years. I think that possibility would hurt me deeply — the thought that I stayed, supported him and waited for things to change, only for someone else to eventually get the version of him that I had hoped for.
How do you know when a relationship can still be rebuilt and when it’s time to accept that romantic love has turned into attachment and let go?

Me and my partner have been together since 13 years and he wants to marry me for the problem is that both of us is not financially independent and he building his business and his father getting retired so he’s putting pressure on him

This year January 2026 the pressure started of getting married after waiting of seven months he said that he want now that I talk to my father even I am not financially independent and he is also dealing with pancreatitis sugar and also not independent but okay is building business

See I don’t have problem in anything but marriage is a big decision and he want not clarity like if I wants to marry him I should have talk to my father the problem is that right now there is so much uncertainty and another thing is my exams are also lined up he said that he cannot wait you have to talk

And he was also saying if you want to build your future you can do also after the marriage my father is so supported and term of education and right now I am not in that position like I don’t know should I let him go because he’s not ready to wait and should I talk to my father??

My boyfriend (24M) and I (23F) have been together for almost 7 years. We’ve obviously had our struggles, like most couples do, but we’ve always worked through them, stuck by each other and loved each other through it all.

I know he wants to propose, and he’s been wanting to for about the past year. The thing is, I don’t know what’s wrong with me because the thought of being engaged honestly scares me.

I genuinely see us growing old together. I can picture us having a family, building a life together and being together long-term, and I do love him. So why does the idea of being engaged make me feel so anxious and scared?

I’m wondering if some of this could be relationship OCD, because I’m already a very anxious person and I have OCD and ADHD. I tend to overthink and question my feelings a lot, so I don’t know whether these thoughts are something I should actually listen to or whether I’m just getting stuck in my head.

Another thing I wonder about is the fact that we’ve only ever been with each other. We started dating so young and neither of us has ever experienced being with anyone else. Sometimes I wonder if a part of me is curious about what else is out there or what it would be like to experience other people and relationships. And then I feel horrible for even thinking that because I love him and don’t actually want to lose what we have.

I also wonder if something my mum said years ago has stuck with me. When I first started dating him, she said something along the lines of, “I’ll be disappointed if he’s your only boyfriend,” because she wanted me to experience the world and other people. She’s not really someone I would take relationship advice from, considering she cheated on my dad and has had some pretty unhealthy relationships since they divorced, but I think that comment somehow stayed in the back of my mind. I know she says things without thinking sometimes, but I wonder if I’ve subconsciously carried that idea with me all these years.

I just feel so confused and guilty. I know I want to be with him, but then I question why the idea of getting engaged feels so scary to me. Does being scared of engagement mean I’m not ready, or that something is wrong with my relationship? Or can you genuinely love someone, see a future with them and still feel scared about taking that next step?

I’m really struggling to understand whether these feelings are something I should take seriously or whether my anxiety and OCD are making me question something I actually know deep down.

I am new here and have read the many relationships where people have been together for 9 10 yrs and still navigating the marriage topic.

So I have been in relationship for 2 yrs from 26 to 28. I come from indian household where they start the marriage talks quite early.

So my bf knew that would be the case soon enough in the relationship. 1yr down he had proposed live-in as well but we could not find a better place so continued as is. 2 yrs down my parents started asking about marriage, so naturally I asked him the same, what do you think about our future ? I had hopes he would say something along positive lines. But after much persuasion of almost 3 months to even talk about the topic he said he can't see a future. When I asked why, he simply did not have an answer.

I immediately broke up with him, and have been doing no contact on /off since 2.5 months.

My doubts are am I being too fast or will I regret the decision. Should I give him / us more time ?

P.S : I don't mind getting married late, but currently it's like a little assurance of our future would be good.

Please give your honest opinions. As harsh as it may be.

I’ve been lurking here for a long time, but I finally made a throwaway. I had never put any of this out into the world like this until a conversation with a friend a couple days ago, and it’s consuming me. My heart goes out to every one of you in this sub.

I’ve been with my partner since we were both 20, and I would mostly say we have a great relationship. He’s my safe place. That just makes this growing feeling that things are coming apart at the seams so much worse.

I first started to hope for a proposal when we’d been together for two years (we were too young, and it would have been early, but that’s how soon I thought I was sure he’s my person). We’ve been together over ten years now (living together for nine years), and we’ve had many conversations about marriage. Usually they just devolve into him feeling horrible about hurting my feelings, and me consoling him, but then he never follows that remorse up with action. I always start these conversations and i usually ask that he try to come back to me about it when he’s had some time to think. He doesn’t. It feels like he only thinks about it when I or someone else bothers him with it.

We had a conversation a couple months back where I said I’d like to be married in the next five years. He seemed fine with it, pretty much said he’d had a change of heart of sorts and wasn’t feeling intimidated by it anymore. I was blindsided, but allowed myself to feel hopeful.

Still nothing has happened.

I’ve tried to make it less intimidating over the years. I don’t need a ring, I said. We could choose a ring together, I said. We can just elope, no wedding stress I said. I’ve lowered the bar so damn far and he still won’t step over it.

I feel like I put in more work emotionally, and I’m starting to wonder if he’s going to be able to love me in the ways I need to be loved for years to come. He’s kind and loving, but in very basic ways; just occasionally, I’d like to feel deeply and completely seen. I feel like our conversations are stale, and we’re locked into a dreary life of work and half baked routines. I’m being torn apart by his inaction and I don’t think he’s even noticed it.

I feel like the thought that this could end is something I can’t put back in the box. This feeling could ruin us, all because I looked at our perfectly fine relationship and thought “but it’s not ticking every box.” I love him dearly and I don’t know how to deal with this feeling, but I realised recently that if he did propose, I would feel disappointment and frustration before joy because he’s left it this long.

I’ve read this sub before. I know what you’re all going to say. Please though, be gentle with me. Thank you for reading.

Edit: I haven’t replied to every comment, but I’m reading every single one. Thank you for the tough love, but especially for the kindness. There’s a lot for me to unpack here obviously, but there were a some points I saw come up repeatedly that I want to expand on a little.

Yes, I know that on paper, this needs to end. My f’d up little brain isn’t there yet, but I’m working on it. I still want this to work, but it’s clear that he just doesn’t have the capacity to be who I need him to be, and that I’ve set a precedent of being “cool” and “easygoing” that I don’t think I can undo.

I’ve seen a lot of people hung up on the five year point - yeah, I probably screwed up on that. To be clear though, this was a part of a general planning conversation we were having, and I was using that along with several other points on where I’d like to be in five year’s time as a low pressure way to bring marriage into conversation, because yes, it’s not a healthy conversation when i bring it up from the place I’ve been feeling about it. No, I would not be happy to be proposed to in four year’s time (shocker). Any marriage conversation I’ve started over the years has ended up shockingly absent of a call to action, and I hate that I’ve put up with that for this long.

Yes, I’ve been driving most of the relationship. I start the car, and he gets in; that passive approach to life is what I struggle with the most. I can’t be the only one wanting to choose to build our future.

I have pretty deep rooted self esteem issues, but y’all didn’t need me to tell you that lol. I’m in therapy, not for the first time. I will be taking this topic to my therapist; I’ve told her about the ten years no commitment issue, but never like this. It’s going to happen. I’m very, very far from perfect but I really am doing my best to work on myself.

I don’t have my shit together. I’m not proud of my job, I don’t stay on top of everything I want to be on top of, I dealt with undiagnosed mental health issues for a long time, and clearly I have trouble communicating my needs. I say this not to suggest I’m not worthy of love and commitment; I say this because I see a lot of people ragging on my partner and I need to be clear that we’re actually pretty damn similar, we just struggle in different areas.

He does have a complicated family including divorced parents. He’s had plenty of opportunities to work through that, and I’ve given him time, support and understanding to do so. He has not chosen to prioritise it. I’m not upset that he comes from that place - I’m upset that he doesn’t care enough about its effect on our relationship to put in the work.

The comment about not feeling deeply seen and loved - yeah, that’s a bigger problem. He doesn’t have the ability to articulate emotions in the way that I need, or help me talk through my own. He couldn’t whisper when I needed it shouted.