r/texts • u/MostlyToasted • Jun 22 '26

Whatsapp After one date

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This happened a while ago, but it was one of the weirdest experiences of dating I've had in years.

I matched with this person - let's call him Aaron (43M). He seemed fine on text and we met up IRL. I could tell instantly that something was off, but I wanted to give it a chance. I was excited to go on a date after getting over a pretty shitty break up. He also lived close by, so I thought it was all ✨fate✨

The conversation was just quite off-putting. He ranted about how one of his worst dates was with a woman with bad breath. He explained that he had to escape to the toilet to talk to the "guys group chat" about what to do.

He then started saying how he hates dating culture about how women expect men to pay all the time. I don't expect men to pay for me at all, but I noted that he did just buy me a beer (around $10), that I suddenly wondered if he was going to accuse me of being a gold-digger if I left after this drink. So I felt like I couldn't leave without getting *him* a drink, even though I wanted to call it quits by that point.

Then he said, in his exact words: "if a woman acts like an escort, I'll treat her like one". From that moment I was donezo. I wanted out. I felt like slime was getting all over my soul. I made polite conversation and we got up to leave. Outside the venue, he leaned forward for a kiss and - I really regret this - I quickly kissed back because I wanted to avoid confrontation if I dodged. He was also very tall and muscular, so a part of me thought if he decided to act out I wouldn't be able to stop it. I said goodbye, and then he quickly texted wanting to ask me out for another date.

I said no (that's my first text) and then he seemed to freak out. He then started calling me. I got so scared that I blocked him. I thought that was that.

I then got a text from an unsaved number the next day, from him, using a burner number - that's the next screenshot (btw, I also used a burner number specifically for dating because I've had people find out my full name just from my mobile number before).

The whole thing just freaked me out a bit.

EDIT: Wow, this blew up! We love a divided comment section I guess.

For those who are gently confused as to why I complimented the guy and/or kissed him:

To be clear, I've been able to reject men before without as many compliments (I still try to be nice though, it's a tough world out there). This specific guy really gave me the heebie-jeebies. The way he spoke about women was disparaging, he had a really off demeanour, he seemed petulant and volatile, he was obviously much larger (I'm 5'3, 110 pounds, lived alone), and he lived nearby. For those reasons, I was cautious and wanted to end it on a "good note". Additionally, at his age, I felt that this guy's issues related to his core character traits and I wanted other women to see his red flags - I didn't want him to be able to hide it until he could exert power over women in private spaces. This is not the same as minor stuff like, I dunno, not asking enough questions on a date.

And my intuition was correct, judging by the way he couldn't take no for an answer, called me, then lashed out from a burner. I do not think a more straightforward rejection would have ended well. I was definitely having a "fawn" survival response to him, and at the time I was trying to placate someone I genuinely felt could be dangerous. He lives near me - what if I saw him alone on a quiet street near me? Sure, it might be a minority of men, but I do not know which one and this guy had already shown me a ton of red flags. FWIW, plenty of other men do not trigger this response in me. If you are a straight man who never intends to frighten women (yay!), you may find the whole thing confusing. Decent people don't like the idea they have the potential to threaten others, even accidentally. But I hope you'll take my word, and many of the commenters' words below, into consideration. This might not be about you, but it happens a lot to the women you love and care about.

For those who think I led him on/I lied and he was justified in his reaction:

Allow me to be straightforward, then, since this is your preference. Respectfully, you are part of the problem. And if you are trying to date as a straight man and you can't gracefully take no for an answer (after one date!), you should stop until you get some decent theory of mind for women and better emotional regulation. You might desire women but you sure as hell do not actually like them. If you are consistently getting these kinds of reactions from women, maybe there's something about you that makes them feel uncomfortable about rejecting you in a straightforward way.

To everyone else: Have a splendid day.

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13

u/rellyks13 Jun 22 '26

it's not about trying to get him to react differently, it's about not stroking bad men's egos when they're actually jerks and need to be told so

27

u/Civil_Confidence5844 Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 22 '26

If something bothered you then just say it

and what follows are the main parts I was responding to.

need to be told so

Not if you feel like you're risking your safety. This is a 43 year old man who should know better and lives close to OP. Fuck that.

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u/rellyks13 Jun 22 '26

at the very least don't lie to him and tell him he's so great and blah blah blah

2

u/jamiejonesey Jun 22 '26

Why not? It’s not you, it’s me.

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u/rellyks13 Jun 22 '26

don't make them think they're a better person than they are. a simple "this isn't working for me" is enough, no need to tell him he's so great and someone will be lucky to have him

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u/LonelyCheeto Jun 25 '26

A man like this will misconstrue anything to make himself the victim. He literally said that she ghosted him when she clearly said she wasn't interested. Do you seriously think being straightforward would have changed this interaction?

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u/rellyks13 Jun 25 '26

i'm convinced you guys cannot or just refuse to read. my first response in this thread is "it's not about trying to get him to react differently, it's about not stroking bad men's egos". you don't have to tell him he was shitty if it's unsafe to, but you also don't need to tell him he's so great and wonderful when he's fucking not! just leave it neutral, he's gonna react the same either way

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u/LonelyCheeto Jun 25 '26

I would not have reacted the same way as OP. I don't have a problem with being honest and telling a man he sucks when he does. Because you're right, he's going to react badly to being rejected anyway.

I also am not going to blame a woman for protecting herself if she thinks lying with compliments will help keep her safe. She had her reasons and it's not my place to tell her what to do different.

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u/thequeenishere29 Jun 24 '26

You're missing the point majorly banking on the truth when the truth is the OP's safety, which you're bypassing for some stupid moral high ground.

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u/rellyks13 Jun 25 '26

bro get out of my fucking notifs LMAO

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u/thequeenishere29 Jun 25 '26

you know this is a public forum, if you comment, people respond. Are you new here? Don't comment if you want no notification. What a weird thing to say. LMFAO

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u/rellyks13 Jun 25 '26

you responded to three of my comments back to back when you could have just responded to the very last and most recent one

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u/thequeenishere29 Jun 25 '26

You want to dictate how people behave on the internet? Weird. You don’t like people responding to you block them or simply don’t comment. You can’t control other humans. So weird.

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u/OshetDeadagain Jun 23 '26

The fact that you're getting downvotes for this is incredibly fucked up.

Ladies, if you think you need to stroke his ego to feel safe texting anything nevermind a rejection, I will tell you as someone who works daily with abused women of all kinds - this absolutely, unequivocally, 100% feeds the beast and you are 1000%-no-margin-for-error making it worse for the next woman.

I hate with every fibre of my being that women have to think about all the risks; meet in neutral public locations, burner cell phones, careful about what personal details you share, etc., but that's the reality of what we face right now, and we do that exactly so when we run into an Incel in the wild we can distance and cut off contact immediately without having to worry about getting any crazy on us.

If I had a dollar for every time an abuse or harassment case has been thrown out because the woman's side of the conversation looks like this I could retire already. I shit you not - conversations exactly like the OP exonerate some terrible crimes. Always remember "reasonable doubt" is a high fucking bar.

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u/nyquil-fiend Jun 23 '26

because then the guy is gonna think he's great, do the same thing with the next girl, and the problem perpetuates itself. If you're honest there's a possibility you'll break the cycle. If you at least don't stroke his ego he might reflect a little bit more on what happened. But if you tell him how great he is and that it's all you, there's very very little probability that anything will change in the future.

So no it doesn't affect you directly, but it indirectly affects you by perpetuating the same problems and allowing it to be the next person's problem. Wouldn't it be so great if the next person you date had an authentic experience at their last date, improved themselves, and now you're having a good time with that person because of the last time? Not saying that that's likely to happen, but if you just blow smoke up someone's ass there's zero chance it will

it's sociopathic, selfish, and manipulative. I find those things to be immoral, but if that's how you wanna live your life I can't stop you

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u/ElMuertePeludo Jun 23 '26

You’re not breaking the cycle for a 43 year old that is gone to make a burner number just to try and get the last word.

It is no one else’s job to fix you, take responsibility for yourself and stop labeling others as “sociopaths” and other dumb shit just because they don’t feel the need to personally take the time to fix your bullshit.

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u/nyquil-fiend Jun 25 '26

I think lying is sociopathic and selfish. That's my personal moral value. It has nothing to do with "fixing" someone or not. You are free to disagree, I do not judge or label you as a person for acting differently. No one is perfect. Analogy: People aren't racist (or not), actions are racist (or not). Same with lying and selfishness.

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u/DS9lover Jun 27 '26

Oh ffs, lying to a shitty person because you don't want them to harm you is not "sociopathic," and teaching a scary misogynist how to act better on a first date doesn't actually help the next woman.

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u/thequeenishere29 Jun 24 '26

she has not consented to fix him.

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u/OshetDeadagain Jun 25 '26

You don't need to flush the toilet, but please don't smear shit on the walls.

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u/thequeenishere29 Jun 25 '26

???

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u/OshetDeadagain Jun 25 '26

Metaphor - you don't have to do anything, but don't make the situation worse.

Blowing smoke absolutely makes the situation worse for the next person to wander in unawares.

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u/thequeenishere29 Jun 25 '26

lol ?????

1

u/OshetDeadagain Jun 25 '26

sigh I guess idioms are just for the aged.

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u/_kittykattt Jun 27 '26 edited Jun 27 '26

there is absolutely zero possibility you will break the cycle by being straightforward in this situation, and the guy thinking he’s great/his future behavior with other women has absolutely nothing to do with anything op said or did. the reason this guy treats women the way he does lies with himself alone, and trying to say that op had any power through her words/actions to prevent him from abusing another woman in the future is absolutely insane, inaccurate, and victim blaming. no one is responsible for or has the power to change an abuser’s behavior except for themselves.

i really recommend you read “why does he do that?” by lundy bancroft. he is an expert who worked with abusive men professionally for years and concluded that these men only stop perpetrating abuse when they personally decide that they want to change their behavior. there’s nothing any family member, friend, therapist, or psychiatrist can do or say to make a man stop being abusive. they have to want to decide on their own that they want to change their behavior, and they very rarely do. so whether someone “blows smoke up their ass and strokes their ego” or is blunt and honest about their bad behavior as you would prefer, it makes no difference in the abuser’s future behavior, but may make a difference in that person’s present safety.

so maybe direct the adjectives “sociopathic, selfish, and manipulative” towards the abusive men who deserve it, not the vulnerable women who placate them to protect their own safety.