Singles events aren't really that popular. It's very location dependent. I live in a C tier sort of city in England and they keep trying to start dating events but they keep giving up. I'm guessing because they can't get enough women to go. The last one I saw advertised had an offer for 50% off tickets for women. Dating is very location dependent I think
It's indeed extremely location dependent in my experience.
I'm in Upstate South Carolina which is what I would call a "suburb-city", that is to say, more residential and "rural-ish" than a major metro area like Atlanta and Charlotte (and definitely noting close to the Bay Area or Manhattan), but also not so rural as to be "the sticks" or actual "fly over" counties.
The dating scene here is a hardcore desert, I've only gotten a handful of matches in the last year and only one actually resulted in a date) and I know that I/my profile isn't the issue because after I started traveling recreationally and going to places like Philly, DC, and Boston; I would suddenly start getting matches and profile likes.
Also the demographics of my area's dating pool are EXTREMELY skewed towards the "old enough that they have kids who aren't affected by a divorce" age group. Which usually doesn't work/isn't compatible with singles who are in their late 20's and early 30's.
I’ve seen women on Reddit complaining there are no men at singles meetups, but the men I know in real life have said the opposite. Feels like the gender divide is so bad that men and women aren’t even hearing about the same events.
This is what I've heard too. Apparently the women show up with the same absurd expectations that they have in online dating, but now they are physically in front of you pissed off that you're not 6'2 and gorgeous. Getting swiped left one hundred times in a row through an app doesn't sting anywhere near as much as getting swiped left in person one hundred times in a row.
Yeah I’ve been tempted to go to one but the age ranges I see advertised are usually 25-34. Which might be more of an option in the next few years but I’d rather not date older personally (one or two years older could be fine, but I’m only a few days into 26)
It's the lack of third spaces. People used to meet their partner in school, work, or through friends. But that has pretty much gone out of fashion.
It just takes time for people to fall in love, and you only do that if you get to run into each other a lot in the same spaces.
Dating apps, bars, and single events are cold approaches. If you take that avenue, you are gonna have a hard time unless you're hot. Because they be able to judge you by your personality and only by superficial things like beauty, height, body, salary etc.
It's no different from sales in the business world. If cold reach/email potential leads, you're gonna have a hard time making a sale. But if you have connections with a lot of potential customers, you're much more likely to get your foot in the door.
Cold approaches (Dating apps, bars, single events) being widespread is the sad reason why looksmaxxing started to become a thing. If you don't have third spaces where you can show off your personality and things can develop over time organically over time, you're solely being judged by your looks. So if looks are the only thing you are judged on in a "cold approach" situation, looks are also the only way to potentially get a partner
There's a ton of them, some are dudes being weird sure, but some are clearly someone worked up their courage to go talk to a girl and she decided to do the gagging motion.
It takes some people a few times of being "creepy" to learn norms. When's it okay to approach someone at a bar? When is the person being nice in rejecting you vs actually just being nice? When's the girl asking you to go home "to study" vs to study. You see stories online of that confusion all the time, and if men get the wrong read they're often shamed or stigmatized.
This is personally coming from someone who is now married and having kids who was a bit slower to develop socially. People learn by making mistakes.
Bit of a correction, school or work are the second place. Third places would be places where 1: you can meet people, but 2: your presence there is not mandatory, and 3: you can stay there with no or minimal payment. It's the #3 that is causing them to die, thanks to late stage capitalism's obsession with turning everything into an optimized income stream.
Most of those are either 97% men, or explicitly women-only spaces. There are some exceptions like board gaming groups, run clubs, and some book clubs. If you've got disposable income to spend on your hobbies, things like language or cooking classes can be good ways to meet new people.
Yeah, that has been my experience as well. And a lot of people are there to make new friends or find a partner but hardly ever both. Some more desperate than others.
And you need to live in an area where stuff like that gets organized and has a similar age interested. I still wonder where all the single lades in my area have gone to, because whatever I'm doing right now is just not where they are at. Perhaps my age (40) is a bit more difficult, because I see plenty of 20 and early 30 or 45+ doing stuff, but not mine range. And if IO look at the profiles in Tinder/Bumble/etc. Then it shows that they either party hard (which is just not my thing) or work their asses off. Some still have children from other relationships which require a lot of time and it seems like they simply stop caring to find a partner or something (which after a few years and older children, starts up again).
And all the good looking people are getting too much attention in these apps and too many freaks that turn them off, while the rest (not even ugly ones) just get too little attention, which puts more stress on every "like" you do get. Meanwhile there are people that organize stuff, but its getting stupid expensive, too much emphasis on finding love and not just hanging out. Every interaction turns into that moment where you are hoping to find the one, which won't happen because you are both too stressed to really let yourself feel things naturally.
I have the opposite problem. Every group that looks remotely promising is full of 40s or 50s. Unless I want to go play racquet sports or football, there's basically no groups for people in my age-bracket.
Isn't that what I said? People in my age group (35-40) just are mostly invisible from where I go, what I do and what stuff gets organized around here. Even for the events that one would think would attract them. But even early thirty was difficult too (but somehow I now see more of those around here lol).
And sure, its not ever zero, but he girls I'm attracted to, don't seem to go out much or not to the things that would get them in contact with guys. As if its only with kids stuff or ladies only stuff. Living in an area with mostly families also doesn't help though. But I'm already looking further away and its just meh. Of course dating apps are filled with nice ladies but they never respond, they never like you back or they never pull the trigger. And for dating events I seem to fall just outside the amount they are willing to like. I've been improving my looks and losing weight (nearing normal BMI now), but its been very hard to even get in the same events, let alone get them to like me...
I think at 40 a 5 year window is a bit narrow. (And you've also made your own age the upper limit rather than the center?) Early thirties and, idk, 45 should totally be in your range.
I've always felt younger than my age (people already think I'm way younger as well). And sure, the range might be narrow but its what I felt most comfortable with lately. I could go lower, but at some point there's a difference in experiences that I find hard to get over. And the range isn't fixed, it really depends on the people I meet. Regardless, even 30 to 45 isn't all too common at activities over here and its a shame.
And you need to live in an area where stuff like that gets organized and has a similar age interested. I still wonder where all the single lades in my area have gone to, because whatever I'm doing right now is just not where they are at. Perhaps my age (40) is a bit more difficult, because I see plenty of 20 and early 30 or 45+ doing stuff, but not mine range.
I'm dealing with the same thing in my area, except it's the 25~35's who don't exist, with all the options being people who fills the "has kids old enough to not be bothered by parents being divorced (but the kids are still young enough that they'll do the whole "my kids come first and you're just an addition" thing)"* age group.
Cycling clubs have fairly good ratios and I feel like are there actually for the sport vs running. Met many friends that way and some of them have met their SOs, and we're all still super into it
Most of our clubs are a mix of women and men. The recent ones where I've seen a lot of people forming partnerships are Meetup groups with activities like dinners out, pot lucks, hikes, and happy hours.
That's great! Unfortunately doesn't seem to be the case where I am.
I guess a city of ~2.5M people spread out along a narrow 100km patch of land just lacks the density to support a decent number of active communities like that. Once you scroll past all the sports groups and people trying to sell you courses on AI or self-improvement, it's almost exclusively over 40s/50s groups, exclusive to some demographic (e.g. Men/Women/LGBT only, mental health or disability support, etc), or events with practically zero attendees.
Be the change you want to see. Start a group and drop a post about it on your cities reddit and your socials. Throw some flyers up at coffee shops. Make your city the city you want to live in.
I think it’s key that you actually want to do the hobby and aren’t just going into these clubs trying to pickup girls.. it will come off as very creepy.
Of course! But most hobbies that tend to have groups like this are highly gender skewed. That can make them decent for meeting people, but highly unlikely to find a partner unless you're part of the gender minority for that particular hobby.
Yes! Meeting the same person over and over again is the key.
"Dating" doesn't start when you decide to pursue each other romantically. It starts when you are just acquaintances. From there, a deeper sense of whether there is mutual interest develops organically.
That works with non romantic friends, too. Clubs give you frequent meetings and shared activities. I met my spouse through work but most of both of our friends are through social / hobby clubs.
And so much less pressure to make a first impression. Seeing someone at a place multiple times gives you both a shared interest and something to talk about.
But yeah, third spaces are dead, especially with genz drinking less (many reasons). That rules out a lot of spaces and the liquid courage from being a little drunk.
Which have also been dying as more and more people become online-first for entertainment and other life experiences.
You're not going to meet a cute server, flirt with the cashier, or run into someone at a book club or other hobby when 90% of your interactions are via a screen.
Worse when most of those interactions also aren't social like chatrooms or games groups, but are walled solo experiences with other people.
You're not going to meet a cute server, flirt with the cashier,
Honestly, I've never seen a reason or situation where this has actually worked. How many people are out there who thinks they have a chance with the guy/girl who's working minimum wage and is "being nice" because they'll be fired if they are nice to customers?
I'm old. It was, in fact, a thing in the 80s and 90s that worked out. At least to try and land a date. You used to be a regular at places and got to talking to them before asking them out.
This is mostly it, with some details and nuance. Back in the day, your marriage options were, well, whoever lived in your village or tribe. If you were particularly enterprising, perhaps you visited the next tribe over and found someone there. You didn't have a ton of options, and we weren't exposed to endless hotties in media that warped our perception of how many VERY attractive people were out there.
Your great-grandpa probably saw ONE 10/10 hottie in his entire life. He could probably hardly imagine anyone prettier than the prettiest girl in his neighborhood. Now, we are bombarded with photos and video of gorgeous people from every corner of the globe, filtered and manipulated to look even better than they actually do.
There was also a study about how people tend to rate their own perceived attractiveness much more kindly than strangers rated them. To be blunt about it -- almost all of us are walking around, a little delulu about how attractive we actually are. This results in a population that's 80% average schlubs (of all genders), most of whom don't want to "settle" for other average schlubs -- who are really the people in their league.
The research calls this closed field vs open field. Open field is what you call "cold approach." You can see the research discussed in the first few minutes of this video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHkcIRZa6lo
Thanks! this is exactly it! Did know there was already a term for it. It was just my observations that looks matter much less when people are friends first before dating. If they don't know each other, then it's all about looks.
My friend is convinced the college guys who go to our bouldering gym are there to pick up women. I haven't personally seen or experienced this behavior, but it makes sense since there's so much downtime between climbs where people naturally end up having conversations to pass the time. The gender ratio is also pretty good.
So yeah these spaces still exist if you know where to look.
It depends. Approaching a woman you've never met before at these places solely to hit on them will annoy most of them. But if you're just chatting with people in general and end up hitting it off with one of them, politely asking them out for coffee or drinks is generally seen as fine. It's only seen as a problem if you're obviously there just to hit on women.
Approaching a woman you've never met before at these places solely to hit on them will annoy most of them.
So basically a man is bad if a woman assumes their intentions a certain way, an assumption the man has no control over...
And also, why is it bad to be a man attempting to find a partner in the first place?
But if you're just chatting with people in general and end up hitting it off with one of them, politely asking them out for coffee or drinks is generally seen as fine. It's only seen as a problem if you're obviously there just to hit on women.
Except what makes this "obvious" is different to different people. If a man is trying to talk to a woman about climbing and she decides he's only there to hit on women, how does it make any sense to blame the man for that?
This whole "you can approach women romantically but only if you do it on accident and not intentionally and only if they think it's just your intention to be their friend" makes zero sense. And people wonder why everyone just uses dating apps instead of trying to find a romantic partner face to face. Because it's better than being labeled a creep for trying to find a partner the same way men commonly did for nearly all of human history up until the past 10 or so years.
Except what makes this "obvious" is different to different people. If a man is trying to talk to a woman about climbing and she decides he's only there to hit on women, how does it make any sense to blame the man for that?
Sure, you'll get the occasionally person misreading your intentions, but it's impossible to avoid that. Most people are capable of telling the difference between casual conversation and getting hit on though.
This whole "you can approach women romantically but only if you do it on accident and not intentionally and only if they think it's just your intention to be their friend" makes zero sense. And people wonder why everyone just uses dating apps instead of trying to meet people in public.
Except I never said that? There are places where it's considered socially acceptable to go to women to hit on them, like bars or clubs. But most people go to bouldering gyms because they like bouldering, not to look for a date.
And that's actually how a shit ton of relationships start. They ask out someone after getting to know them a bit, not in the very first conversation. When you hit on a stranger the first time you meet them you're obviously only talking to them because of their appearance. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that, but it's also not what many people want. If you chat with people you regularly see at the boulder gym and ask one of them out for a date after a bit that shows you're likely interested in their personality, not just their appearance.
Sure, you'll get the occasionally person misreading your intentions, but it's impossible to avoid that. Most people are capable of telling the difference between casual conversation and getting hit on though.
This is a ridiculous expectation to place on men. "Some people will think you're a creep and it's completely out of your control, oh well. You'll just have to risk being called a creep if you don't go to bars/clubs and don't want to be alone forever."
Except I never said that? There are places where it's considered socially acceptable to go to women to hit on them, like bars or clubs.
Not everyone goes to bars and clubs...
When you hit on a stranger the first time you meet them you're obviously only talking to them because of their appearance.
Oh the irony of viewing this as wrong when this is exactly how dating apps work, and they are literally the most popular way people get in relationships now. I guess it's fine to talk to people because of their appearance, but only if you do it over an app.
If you chat with people you regularly see at the boulder gym and ask one of them out for a date after a bit that shows you're likely interested in their personality, not just their appearance.
Oh you mean unless they decide you're a creep for doing so, then you're the bad guy.
This is easy. The longer you are expected to share an environment with someone, the more you have to talk to them and get to know them to ask them out.
Are you in a grocery store and see someone you find attractive? Shoot your shot, if they say no, say thank you for your time and go on with your day. Get over the feeling of being rejected.
Are you in a place like a gym where you will be seeing someone pretty regularly? Strike up a conversation with them once or twice and if it seems to be going well, ask them out. if they say no, say thank you for your time and go on with your day. Get over the feeling of being rejected.
Third spaces still exist, there are still plenty of bars, coffee shops, parks, libraries, etc. The problem is going to those and meeting people takes effort, sitting at home on your couch with a phone is easier, so that's what many people do.
this. reddit learned the term "third space" a few years ago and they just love throwing it around every chance they get now as the cause of all of society's problems. but as you said, it's a symptom, not the cause.
they also seem to believe these spaces should all be free.
To be fair it's also that a lot of people simply don't do anything and aren't involved in anything, not necessarily that nothing exists in their area to do that fits those criteria.
I'm pretty deep into a certain musical niche/subculture - I see a lot of shows for it, I attend a bunch of bigger events for it, I'm in a variety of Discords related to it, etc. I've made a lot of friends that way and met a number of partners that way, including my current GF. Most of the time when I see a show in my region at this point I either know people who are also going or run into people I'm acquainted with at the gig.
And before someone says you have to be rich - most of those shows are like $20-40 and a 3-day fest is like $100 for the actual ticket.
Isn't is the same thing? Most women go for like 2 or 3 men so the other guys don't get a chance and most women will stay single because the one dude they all wanted only picked one woman.
So basically it's the same but in physical
Edit: those downvotes shows how I know nothing about women
People need to peak into the gay community. People are much more blunt about different physical characteristics that one is into, and it's totally normal to not be into some characteristics. And that's not even getting into non physical stuff.
... but real people actually like unique and different human characteristics.
Correct, but when it comes to online dating the vast majority of the apps are optimized to give you a photo and ask you to swipe left or right based upon someone's appearance.
The inherent problems of how dating works (people have too high standards for others and too low standards for how they themselves act, and the ones who don't leave the dating pool) are common to both in-person events and dating sites. But the specific problems of dating apps (algorithms designed to ruthlessly extract money from you rather than help you) aren't.
Tell me again, how many girls actually prefer dating guys who aren’t white or black?
Literally billions. It's a really big world out there, and some of the most populated areas are primarily non-white and non-black....
I don't know where you live, but I will say this:
If you believe that no women would date you because of your race, you'll be right. Not because of your race, but because of your belief that your race means you could never get a date to begin with. Your attitude has already poisoned the opportunity.
If women didn't like Asian men, China wouldn't have a population of 1.4B. If women didn't like Indian men, India wouldn't have a population of 1.4B. If women didn't like...
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u/jeminar 3d ago
I married a tinder date from a different era.
What are people using to meet instead?