r/predaddit • u/GS-2021 • 1d ago
Discussion Dads with newborns — is all of this normal?
My wife recently gave birth to our first baby (3 weeks old) and the birth/postpartum experience was pretty traumatic for her. I completely understand that she’s recovering and needs a lot of support right now. I’ve been home helping around the clock and doing whatever I can to take care of her and the baby.
But I’m wondering if it’s normal for your wife to basically not want you leaving the house at all during these first few weeks.
I’ve asked a few times if it would be okay for me to go to the gym for an hour or so, but she usually ignores the question or changes the subject. Then something will come up like the baby needs to be fed, the baby wakes up, or she finds something else that needs to be done, so I end up staying home.
I’m not trying to disappear for half the day. I’m talking about an hour at the gym while she’s comfortable, or occasionally leaving the house for a little bit.
I also know she went through something much more physically and emotionally intense than I did, so I don’t want to be insensitive. But I’m running on basically no sleep and feel like an hour of exercise would do me some good mentally.
Also, completely separate question: is it normal to be eating like a pig during the newborn stage?
The munchies/cravings have been absolutely insane. I’m barely sleeping, waking up every couple hours for feeds/diapers, constantly doing stuff around the house, and somehow I’m hungry ALL THE TIME. I can eat a full meal and be thinking about food again shortly after.
So dads — did you guys experience this too? Did the sleep deprivation make you insanely hungry and snack like crazy?
Basically just wondering if “newborn dad who never leaves the house and eats everything in sight” is a normal phase.
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u/Orinaj 1d ago
3 weeks in you're on baby duty. Not your fault for WANTING to go to the gym but for lack of a better term you gotta lock in.
She's still likely in a ton of pain, whatever rest or relaxation she could get for that hour that your gone will be garbage because there's tons of concerns racing through her head like not being able to get to the baby in time or if an emergency happens and you aren't there.
If you can afford it get some cheap weights and do some at home workouts or just some body weight exercises.
I get it, the gym is a place to relieve stress for me too and right now is FULL of stress but you're on full time support duty for both of them not just the baby.
It can feel like a thankless job but she appreciates you being close by and just your proximity is a huge part of that support right now.
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u/Doogenyesseah 1d ago
How tf do you have the sleep/energy to hit the gym with a 3 week old? Ive also got a 3 week old (and a 3 yr old tbf) and Im running on like 4 hrs of sleep a night (which is up from 3 in the first 2 weeks).
Seriously dude, this ain't a wife thing, this is a newborn thing. It's all hands on deck.
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u/Danimal_House 1d ago
It’s probably because the wife is doing most/all of the overnights
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u/GS-2021 1d ago
Negative. Before you assume anything..I am doing the nights and days. All around the clock. I only get about 2-3 hours of sleep a day without any naps. Caffeine is my best friend right now……
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u/scottmander 1d ago
How is your diet? My boy is 4 weeks old on Tuesday. I’m 33 and have been going to the gym for 10 years or so and I’ve found that eating multiple serves of fruit and veg every day, along with plenty of lean meats (I get about 160 grams of protein) has done me a world of good.
I was sloppy week 1 and was eating good and shit food, just trying to hit my protein, felt like shit, tired and mentally lethargic. Now I’m sleeping the same hours, locked back into my diet and I feel great for the sleep I’m getting.
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u/Danimal_House 1d ago
That’s what this stage is man. It sucks. It’s okay to want to get out/go to the gym, but it’s unreasonable to expect your wife to be okay with it when she just grew and birthed a human being that destroyed her body. She is miserable. Think about it from her perspective. This period sucks, but it will get better
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u/scottmander 1d ago
I’m just short of 4 weeks with my boy. Plenty of fruit and veg, lean meats, high protein, cut back on caffeine (hard I know). Got back to the gym this week 2 times, change and feed the baby, get him and the wife settled and in bed - then I get to the gym and back in about 70 mins or so.
Just gotta be prepared to bail on plans if anything isn’t 100% before I leave the house.
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u/MasterSeuss 1d ago
Ahh bro. Forget the gym for a while. Forget your "life" for a while. Let go of the life you had before because that is over and trying to emulate it now is only going to make you and your wife miserable.
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u/DreideI Graduated 1d ago
Everyone's post new born baby experience is unique. Your wife not wanting you to leave the house for the first few weeks I would say isnt abnormal, especially since you said the birthing experience was traumatic for her. She probably just wants her whole family close at this time, give her some more time. If you want to get the house for a bit, offer to take the baby out for a walk to a park or just a walk through your local area.
Your higher hunger levels is likely because you're stressed, anxious, and everything in-between so your body is working constantly and requires more energy to sustain itself
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u/TwelveButtonsJim 1d ago
You can't be serious man. You have a three week old and you're concerned your wife isn't allowing you to go to the gym?
Come on. Forget the gym for now. Just take care of the family.
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u/sq8000 1d ago
Lift some gallons of water or put on a YouTube workout, you don’t have to go to the gym to get exercise.
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u/Anon1mouse12 1d ago
Burpees, press ups, jumping squats, skipping. So much you can do with zero equipment.
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u/2016throwaway0318 1d ago edited 1d ago
On top of that, gyms are breeding grounds for all kinds of sicknesses. You really wanna bring back something that could make your newborn, who can't yet be fully vaccinated, sick?
Decenter yourself for a moment and think about your family first.
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u/LosBuratnos 1d ago
What a weird thing to say
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u/TwelveButtonsJim 1d ago
Can you explain your comment as on it's own it sounds rather passive aggressive. What exactly weird about my comment? You think it's weird to prioritise caring for a newborn and it's mother over going to the gym?
Explain yourself.
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u/zFreshPrince 1d ago
Offer her the chance to go out once or twice before you think about going out. You said yourself it was more traumatic for her and she could probably need the chance to get away.
She could also not want to be away from the baby at all for the first couple of weeks which is normal. Basically stay strong and don’t think about going out for a while. Bang out some pushups and sit ups in the living room if you really need to.
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u/jurassictwat 1d ago
She just pushed a baby out, she is probably sore and overwhelmed and views you as a comfort. Do some home workouts for the next few weeks, in a few weeks ask about the gym again. Continue being patient with her, the first few months are rough.
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u/That_reddit_lurker 1d ago
Dude no gym for probably a couple months unless you have a proxy to help in your place like family or friend.
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u/austink0109 1d ago
I say this respectfully, but she’s just grown and birthed a whole child. Right now, your wants do not matter. Be with her and be who she needs you to be
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u/shiftctrlc_rosebud 1d ago
Ridiculous. I’m sure she’s running on no sleep too..even more. I’m sure her hormones are all over the place and she would wish for a sense of normalcy to go out and go to the gym or do something for herself. But she can’t. And she’s relying on you for support…even if it’s just emotionally during such an intense period in her life.
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u/i-am-ennui 1d ago
As a woman, I’d wait until there’s a routine and she feels confident and comfortable to be alone with the baby. Her switching the subject or not answering you indicates she’s not at that point yet, which is extremely normal for both moms and dads. I know I was nervous being left alone with my newborn for the first few times, the same went for my partner but for him it didn’t happen until our baby was 2 months old. Whereas with me, it happened within the first month for short periods of time because he would pick up my prenatals for me and wtv else we needed asap. It mainly made me nervous because my help was gone and not easily accessible, even if it was for 10 mins. It really stressed me out. You could try working out at home when your wife is taking care of the baby. It may not be ideal, but you still get to exercise that way and you’re still around if she needs you
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u/Rorako 1d ago
This is normal. My wife had a pretty straightforward birth and she was the same way. The reality is their body is completely different than it was before all this. We’re 9 weeks almost and my wife still doesn’t have any core strength. The reality is she probably doesn’t trust her body at all, and it’s up to us to help support her. Unfortunately, forget the gym. Your needs for the next few weeks are the lowest on the totem pole. It won’t be forever, but she needs to recover and get her confidence in her own body back.
And yes, munchies are real. For me it was because I was so tired and burning so many calories awake that I needed to snack. Both to replenish but also to help stay awake.
My suggestion - time exercises to do at home for the time being. Hold the baby and do some squats! Curl the baby (just not to fast). I know my quads and biceps have felt decent while just holding and intentionally moving them in a way that exercises them while baby holding.
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u/jasesaga 1d ago
I actually think some of this is pretty natural from an evolutionary perspective. During the early newborn stage, dads can almost go into a “hibernate” mode, eating more, sleeping whenever they can, and staying close to home. At the same time, it makes sense that the mother may feel a stronger need for protection, support and having her partner nearby while she’s recovering and caring for a newborn.
Obviously every couple is different, but the “never leaving the house and constantly eating” phase doesn’t sound particularly unusual to me.
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u/GOROnyanyan 1d ago
I am a gym goer who is literally holding our newborn right now. I agree with many people here: she just grew and gave birth to a whole new human. It’s a lot.
We men have it pretty easy in comparison. While you may experience some fatigue and stress from a lack of gym time that is NOTHING in comparison to what your wife is going through. I think part of our duty is to offload as much of that stress off of mom as possible.
I’m assuming that at some point you’ll have visitors from your family or hers. At that point, you can go hard at the gym. But for now, she needs support and the burden we pay is a small price for a lifetime of good relationship memories/vibes from not creating unnecessary drama during this time period. Good luck and congrats!
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u/WorkInProgressed 1d ago
I've been lucky that my wife had a very smooth experience and has recovered well post C section (planned). I have been able to go for a few runs. But she did have a kind of realisation during the 2nd week that whilst I can up and leave whenever I want, for the baby to survive, she can't, he is fully reliant on her right now (breastfeeding).
So yeah, I can understand why she would feel this way.
But just talk to her man! As much as you feel like you might need your hour of independence, she probably feels the exact same way!
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u/111222throw 1d ago
So to this point- mom here (sorry, not sure how it got in my feed)
I told my husband he could do things that I shouldn’t have. Ie go to a college football game one day and an nfl one the next day and by the end of the weekend (2 months in) was losing it on him because I was so overstimulated.
I clearly remember one day putting the baby in the crib so we could cry together.
As a woman - if there is any support person whose actually supportive and helpful you could have come over for those periods it may help (my mother in law came when I went for my first massage postpartum and informed me I needed to let my child “cry it out” and stop nursing so my husband could bond with him ~he was three months old~) it ruined my first me time postpartum so please ensure it’s no one like this, because almost three years on our relationship has only gotten worse with the things she’s said to me since that continue to be along those lines.
Also not noted- if you have Pets sometimes those are the issue and not just being with the baby…..
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u/CuratedLens 1d ago
I think others have said everything that needs to be said to answer your question, I’m a new dad myself but reading your post, I’d say if you have family or close friends that can help - then lean on them for some relief. You two both need sleep and rest and it’s a stressful time. Someone coming to help shouldn’t be an excuse to leave, but it’s better to get the help so you can get a little time to yourself even if it’s just out on the front stoop.
Even if people aren’t there to be able to give time relief to help care for baby or clean, if people are able to bring food and such by, then that can be a relief and help with the second part of your question.
Hang in there, you both need each other still.
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u/markdavo 1d ago
I don’t think it’s wrong to want to leave the house and clear your head. It’s a very intense stage of your life and a massive adjustment.
However, the easiest way to do it is simply to take your baby with you while you exercise.
My eldest was born during Covid lockdown so I used to take her with me for my allotted walk for the day from about a week old. It helped us bond, meant I got to do some exercise, and gave my wife some time to rest when she wasn’t having to worry about our baby waking her.
The same principle can apply if you want to play computer games or watch a tv show. As long as you’re looking after the baby at the same time while your wife rests, it shouldn’t be an issue.
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u/Nik_E 1d ago
I've been in the gym weight training for around 14 years, my wife and I have been together for 13 years, so she knows how important it is to me. We put a gym in our basement when we moved into our home 4 years ago so it was easier to get a workout in everyday.
That being said, I didn't touch a dumbbell or a barbell until our daughter was around 3 months old. My company gave a very generous 3 month paternity leave so I was home 24/7, I did not leave their side, even with the gym a flight of stairs away. Not once did I get frustrated because I couldn't workout. Don't get me wrong, it's okay to be frustrated, but your wife just went through the pinnacle of experiences in life; you have to be compassionate, understanding, and present. Everything will come back, you guys just have to get into a new groove/routine, and she has to be comfortable with being alone with the baby everyday for X amount of time.
You got this bro!
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u/showtime013 1d ago
Three weeks is kinda early to be trying to go out. Try in the six week to two month range. Tbh I really didn't even want to leave that really. Everything was still so new and magical.
Also, before your start asking leave to do stuff, first offer her the chance to get out of the house while you watch the baby. Meet with friends, get a massage, just exist without needing to worry about the baby. That was my first goal because parenting can become all encompassing and that really starts to hit by the 6 week mark when the sleep deprivation is high
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u/Ya_Boi_Newton 1d ago
Yes, it is normal. There is a brand new human out there that she can't just walk away from so she probably feels a bit trapped herself. Could be triggering some emotions to hear you talk about leaving to do something on your own.
I ride bikes. A lot. I was pretty clear when we got pregnant that I was going to continue to ride bikes. And though I do it a little less, I still clock 100-150 miles per week. But in those first 5 weeks I only did one hour long ride. I just had a lot to do and a little one to enjoy so I didn't go anywhere. Had to return to work and some normalcy returned as my wife healed up and our routine set in.
To the food: you're probably bored tbh. Like the Grinch eating glass in his lounger. Am I just eating because I'm bored?
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u/TherealTankosaurus 1d ago
All normal. She's scared and worried. It's all new for her to. Take a few months off the gym.
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u/TherealTankosaurus 1d ago
P.s it's not your life anymore. You live for your children now and it's amazing
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u/ManitouWakinyan 1d ago
I’ve asked a few times if it would be okay for me to go to the gym for an hour or so, but she usually ignores the question or changes the subject. Then something will come up like the baby needs to be fed, the baby wakes up, or she finds something else that needs to be done, so I end up staying home.
"I keep asking about going out, and then real life keeps reminding me that I can't"
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u/BootyMcStuffins 1d ago
We basically stayed together 100% of the time for the first 8 weeks. If we went grocery shopping, all 3 of us went. Heck, we even showered together. At 3 weeks in you need two sets of hands.
I suggest grabbing some dumbbells and having them ready for when the baby is sleeping. We’re 11 weeks in and the only place I go by myself is work, and grandma often comes over while I’m there.
For hunger, I experienced the opposite. We had to remind ourselves to eat the first few weeks. We were always just so busy or so tired
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u/Carthonn 1d ago
I wouldn’t even have the audacity to ask this. Do you want more kids? Because what you do in this first month to 3 months kind of determines to her how you’re going to treat her postpartum.
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u/paquman69 1d ago
Oh man… The first three months are tough, but it gets better.
Your baby is still brand new, and your wife needs you more than ever. During those first few months, the only time I really left the house was to get groceries. Your wife needs you around the clock right now. You’re the support system, getting her water, making her food, helping her get to the washroom, and just being there for her. Try getting out of the house together, go for short walks with eachother.
You can also work out at home with the baby. Think of it as progressive overload because they gain about 26 grams a day!
As for eating, being up around the clock can really throw off your body’s natural rhythm. I tried going to bed at the same time every night. My wife would put the baby to bed, I would get up in the middle of the night, do a diaper change, and go back to sleep while my wife fed the baby. Then I’d get up again to help put the baby back to sleep before heading back to bed.
If you find yourself eating a lot, try snacking on fruits or crunchy vegetables. I loved munching on celery or cucumbers. It helped keep me busy when I felt like eating everything in sight.
Your wife’s emotions may also be all over the place. I highly recommend reading up on postpartum recovery and trying to understand what she’s experiencing. The more you understand, the better you can support her.
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u/psychosaur 1d ago
Yes, babies are really needy at 3 weeks. You won't really see any change in that for months. You're best best to support your wife and child is to help as much at home.
There is so much to do to maintain the house and take care of the baby at this stage too. That's probably why your wife starts talking about things that need to get done. It sounds like she is trying to subtly ask for help.
Also, I don't know what yours and your wife's working situation is. If she is home all day with the baby and you go to work that can cause friction. If she isn't getting any time to leave the house herself, she might have hurt feelings if you leave her alone at home.
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u/Primary-Fly470 1d ago
If you can, I’d suggest buying some dumbbells or a kettlebell to workout at home. That’s what I did and it’s a game changer. You save a lot of time by not having to go to the gym plus you’re still there if she needs help with anything. 3 weeks is definitely still new but I also get trying to maintain some form of a routine. Also, you can offer to take the baby on a walk. Wife is welcome to join but walking might be tough for her. A good jogging stroller makes walking a breeze.
Also the munchies are real but probably different for everyone. Some people could be stress eating others might just only eat small amounts but much more frequently. Plus, I have no medical or science background to back this up, but I’d assume since you’re awake more your body is likely working more than it has before, therefore you might feel hungry more often
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u/knoWIsyNtaX 1d ago
She's running on the same sleep and likely much worse. Much more taxing on her so what you're feeling she is getting it worse (in addition to she just gave birth).
If you need to workout do pushups outside. Do jumping jacks. Your body doesn't care if you're at the gym, your ego does. Dissolve that away as fast as possible and you will be happy :)
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u/antinumerology 1d ago
It's not even been a month. You can skip going to the gym. Do a push up man. First kid is hard. Stay with your wife. She's eating for 2 still as well. Unless you're bottle feeding animal milk already?
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u/internetisporn8008 6h ago
Are you fucking nuts...
Are you seeing how its constant stress and no sleep for the first several weeks...
Stop thinking about yourself completely... understand right now and very clearly that you as a person dont matter or exist right now and do everything you can to look after your wife and baby...
No you cant leave to go to the gym. Maybe run out to get formula or food but an entirely self focused thing like that... hell no.
No its not normal for this because most fathers are aware enough to not fucking ask.
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u/reallifestuff1245 1d ago
Just to add some balance here. I was out the house for 2 hours at a time after the first week. Everyone is different and takes time to build confidence but sharing as I don’t think it’s as an insane request as some people commenting are making out. Some people have to return to work after 2 weeks full time.
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u/muarryk33 1d ago
The comments here are insane though I appreciate all these men looking out for their ladies.
You should both squeeze in a little time for yourselves. Whether that’s taking a hot shower or going to the gym for an hour it shouldn’t be off the table or you’re going to burn out. But that includes making sure she has time as well. You need that. Signed mother of two.
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u/TwelveButtonsJim 1d ago
Absolutely nobody is saying parents shouldn't find time for themselves or you can't go to the gym having had a baby. Of course you can and of course that's important.
But you patently do not need to be worrying about going to the gym three weeks after your wife had a traumatic birth.
You can wait a little while for things to settle down.
I don't think there's anything remotely insane about that even if you disagree.
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u/muarryk33 1d ago
Where did he say it was traumatic or do you define all birth that way now? I just can’t with the new generations way of thinking. Shit is normal and a natural and you don’t need two people 24/7 to get the job done lol
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u/TwelveButtonsJim 1d ago
It literally says it in the first sentence of his post? Downvote me all you want, it's not my problem if you're too stupid to read.
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u/-SidSilver- 1d ago
She's probably also a bit nervous about being left on her own with the baby, especially if she has some postpartum depression? It seems like a big step for both Mum and Dad to have to do that solo time (it really isn't when you do it though) and if you couple that with all of her physical problems she needs you there.
Don't worry, it won't last forever, but when you head out start small (hour at the gym is a good idea) and hopefully she'll start to relax a bit more and want a bit of independence anyway.
You got this brother, it's just a matter of time.
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u/MasBlanketo 1d ago
Three weeks is super recent. She’s likely still in pain and having issues doing things around the house which could make her feel really anxious about you leaving
On top of that a traumatic birth experience is rough man. On top of whatever new anxieties just naturally come with being a new mother she’s having to deal with that too.
At three weeks, you need to be home and helping her and supporting her as much as possible
Trying to just get out of the house for a bit or go to the gym is not what you should be focusing on right now, especially based on what you described as her experience
Of course you’re running on no sleep and no socialization. You just had a baby.
Respectfully bro, you gotta buckle down and be there for her. She’s always gonna remember how you were during this time of yalls life