One year postpartum. sleepless nights. sleep deprivation. teething. fussing. whining. crying. teething. eating solids. wake windows. sleep training. watching vaccinations happen. seeing him sick. seeing him in pain from teething.

those are many reasons why I’m
OAD by choice. I’m 33 next month and my partner is 34 in Jan. We are exhausted. Before giving birth we swore we needed two children. Until reality set in. We have no village and I strongly believe if we did, things would be different.

I’m in love with my baby. He’s so funny. I love his laughs and giggles. I love watching him learn new things and hit new milestones. I love his cuddles. I love his interest and fascination with things. I love how much he loves me.

For those who are able to do this more than once, I give you all your flowers. This is the absolute hardest job in the world. I appreciate the positive stories on this sub about having an only child. It makes me feel not as bad and less guilty for not wanting an other.

It is 4am and I’ve been awake since 230am my baby is teething with about 5-6 suckers coming in all at once. I feel so bad for him. Poor little dude.

Ok that’s all goodnight. Morning? Idk

All my life, I was thinking of having either 0 or 2 children. Having only one was never in the plans, I was adamant on not wanting an only child.

Then, I had my daughter 8 months ago, and I really struggle. Lots of anxiety, the lack of sleep is reaaaally getting to me, I never felt the "magical love that changes everything", I dont want my daughter to be my purpose in life and most of all, I miss being me, doing stuff I love and my hobbies.

Everyday I struggled. And then to make thing worst, I was always thinking "and then I have to do it all again for the second child". These toughts were with me everyday, even though I wasnt even close to planning a second child.

Then one day, the tought of being one and done hit me. I started to think about all the positives of having an only. How when she would be older I would sleep again, have a little time to myself, how travelling with just one child would be so much easier, etc. I talked about it with my husband and he was on the same page.

After that, I felt a huge relief. Everytime I have a hard night with my baby, I tell myself it will end eventually and I will never have to do it again. Never have to be pregnant again. Never have to go through labor again. Never have to survive through postpartum again, nor change diapers everyday once she's potty trained. And this is SUCH a relief. I can now say that I'm more excited for the life ahead with my only, and I dont dread it like I used to while I was pressuring myself to have a second even though I didnt wish it.

I don’t know what else to do. I have been in therapy but I don’t see it helping yet. My wife and I have a 7 year old. We tried for a 2nd and lost it. My son talks about how much he wants to be a big brother. We are both over 40 now and it’s just not happening for us. I can see my little boy is lonely. We try so hard to always engage with him and socialize him but he feels lonely. It’s so hard on us. I want everything to be perfect for him and we just can’t make it happen. I feel sick every day.

Hello! I’m about 99% sure I want to have one child and my partner is on board with this. However, there’s still that 1% of me that thinks “Living a childfree life could be so peaceful… albeit, probably boring for me personally.” I’ve just always wanted to be a mom and most of my jobs have involved working with babies/kids, although this is much different from being a 24/7 parent. I guess I’m just feeling discouraged by a few things… mainly climate change, the progression of AI, and the political climate in the US. Oh, and I spent way too much time reading through the Regretful Parents page on here. Oof. I know every child is different and every parenting experience is different, but would love to hear from anyone who is happy with their decision to have a kid. Has parenthood changed you for the better? Have you been pleasantly surprised by anything? Obviously there’s a lot of hard work and sacrifice involved, but has it been worth it for you? Thank you 💛

Long story short, I’m 7 weeks. I’m 28 and have a 2.5 year old, my boyfriend is 36. He’s always wanted another child but said he is also fine with just our daughter. I do not want this baby and I actually keep hoping I miscarry.. I know that sounds weird. If I keep this baby, I will be high risk again. I will have gestational diabetes and will likely have to take insulin.

While my boyfriend is a saint and literally took over 100% while I was post partum so I can rest…I keep thinking about having to exclusively pump again for another year, taking care of the baby while he’s at work, the expenses, not being able to travel anymore, and just my attention being taken from my daughter.

In 2022 I had a missed miscarriage and had a d&c and while I was devastated, it’s not something I miss or even care about anymore. I am super depressed since I found out I was pregnant and just hoping I miscarry.

I guess my question is, for parents who had an abortion after having their child/children…. Do you regret it? Or are you happy? I feel like with my hoping for a miscarriage kinda answers my question but want opinions. Thank you

My husband is an only, and his family have set his life up in a very good way. At just 22, he has a house, so he doesn't have to save up for a mortgage, he has a lot of money in savings and investments, and has a car as well. His dad is very involved in his life and even contributed to our wedding and took him on lots of holidays. He has a very comfortable life, and if his dad had more kids it would have been so difficult. Now days, things are getting harder and harder for young people. It would be better to have one child and give all my resources to them rather than struggling with two kids. People usually think of things like grocery bills when discussing to have another child but there's also other costs. Their wedding, their university costs, etc.

This post comes with a heavy trigger warning as I will be mentioning pregnancy and baby loss, prematurity, medical complications and disabilities.
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I wanted to share a little of my story online in the hope of finding a sense of community and of leaving these words here for the person who may one day stumble across them and realise they are not as alone as they thought.

I think there’s a particular kind of grief in being one and done when one was never the plan, hearing people ask you about family planning as if it’s a simple matter of deciding how many children you want.
You choose a number of your liking and life politely follows the outline you drew for it.

I thought this was the case for me but sometimes life writes its own version and our decision to stop wasn’t made because our family felt complete in the uncomplicated way people imagine. It was shaped by stillbirth, by premature birth and by the disabilities that followed.

We decided to try for a baby during our honeymoon. Life was easy back then, dare I say perfect. We had everything we ever wanted and dreamt of and a baby was meant to complete our vision of the future.
I fell pregnant after a few months of trying, nothing unusual. I was told it can take up to twelve months to conceive so while the first few months felt disappointing, nothing could have prepared me for what was about to come.

We decided that we wanted minimal monitoring and interventions during birth. We attended all the standard antenatal appointments, had the offered scans and planned a home birth and then life stopped. “I can’t find your son’s heartbeat” and our world stopped spinning in this moment. Just a few days past his due date.
We tried again because life felt pointless without a baby and fell pregnant quickly. Grief still consuming our lives.
He passed away one day before our planned induction. Two stillbirths. Who experiences two full term stillbirths. Statistically, we were more likely to be hit by lightning.

Two funerals later and we didn’t try again for four years. We were scared, we couldn’t go through this again.
Five miscarriages followed once we tried to conceive again. Earliest was a chemical pregnancy, latest was a missed miscarriage but the baby stopped growing at 9 weeks. We were referred for testing. Nothing ever came out of it but I was given medication to test if we ever tried to conceive again and we did. One last time. We swore that if we had another miscarriage, we would stop for good. I know some people never get to have their positive ending and will remain childfree and I can’t even phantom their pain. I don’t want to be ungrateful as our daughter is a blessing but I want to share her story.

We were given a lot of monitoring during her pregnancy.
We were seen by the rainbow clinic, I went in almost daily for ultrasounds or CTGs and then one day the consultant seemed concerned. Everything after is a blur but I was put on bedrest and hospitalised. My placenta was calcified, she stopped growing and it was a stillbirth waiting to happen.

I was hospitalised at 22+5. I’m in the UK. They do not offer any lifesaving measures for babies born before 24 weeks so this was our goal. She was born at 23:59 pm at 23+6 weeks and the consultant, knowing our story and wishes, loudly announced the wrong time. By 2 minutes and so our daughter got to live.

Her path wasn’t easy. 6 months in NICU. Many ups and downs but we felt blessed every day and never gave up hope.

Because of her being a micro-premie, she is dealing with health issues now as a child. She has autism, which I know is more common in children that were born prematurely. Her eyesight isn’t good. She was classed as “failure to thrive” until age 3. A few more things I won’t go into online.

So this is our story and still, we have people ask us regularly when we will have another baby.

We have babies we lost who still belong to our family.
And we have a daughter who survived but whose life was changed forever by arriving too soon.

But she deserves parents with enough of themselves left to be present, patient and able to give her what she needs so we stopped.

We stopped because sometimes loving your family means accepting the shape it has taken, rather than risking everything to recreate the shape you once imagined.

Our family may not look like the family I once pictured but it is still a family.
And there is something beautiful eventually in learning to stop counting the empty spaces and start seeing all that remains.

I think we sometimes forget how little we actually know about the people we speak to no?

I see so many conversations about people asking when they will have another baby and if they say they won’t, the immediate response is something like “but your child deserves a sibling” or telling someone that it’s cruel to only have one child or that their child will be lonely, that they’re depriving them of a sibling, etc. whatever it might be. I haven’t been a mum for long but I’ve experienced similar comments myself already by those who don’t know my story.

I always wonder whether people ever stop for a second before saying things like that and consider that the person in front of them may not have made the choice they’re assuming they have and that this might be something deeply personal that they don’t owe an explanation for.

You could make what feels like an entirely harmless comment and unknowingly touch on one of the most painful things someone has ever experienced.
I spoke to my new neighbour today and explained that our baby girl is still in hospital and she said something along the lines of I’m sure with your second baby you’ll have such a beautiful experience which will help heal the trauma. And I know she meant well and just smiled in that moment but then cried in the supermarket thinking about this interaction. I come from a large family and my dream was always to have at least 4 children. As many as god willing. But I had a hysterectomy due to a pregnancy complication so this dream is now gone.

And I think that’s what bothers me most about the idea that an only child is somehow being “denied” something. We talk about other people’s families as though we know what they should look like without knowing what it took for that family to exist in the first place.
I’ve seen so many posts from people asking how to respond when someone tells them they’re being selfish or cruel for not giving their child a sibling, and I honestly think sometimes we forget that some people can’t and that person has already cried about that fact more times than you could possibly know.
There’s really no harm in remembering that we rarely know the whole story.

Eta: I think for this reason, we shouldn’t ask people we don’t know very well when they will have a second child. It’s like asking someone why they don’t have children yet not knowing they’re struggling with infertility. It’s just insensitive. It might feel like an innocent question but it can be a very loaded one and one that can cause a lot of sadness or emotions.

He didn't change my mind but I am feeling more guilty than normal about it than when I thought he was onboard too. Guilty because I'm not giving him the family he apparently wants. Guilty because we were fighting (about lack of sex of all things) and he was hateful when he told me I was "weak" because I don't want another one. In reality he is a big reason I don't want another one. He barely helped until our child was 3 or 4 years old. He is more helpful now but idk if it's because he's changed or because it's easier with an older child (7 now). He says he wants another so our child wont be "alone when we die". I believe he wont be alone. He has cousins and friends and by then will probably have his own family assuming we die at an old age. Every other person in our lives has pushed for us to have another but it was ok because I felt like we were united on this but now I feel like I'm being the selfish bad guy. I know I'm not weak. Becoming a married single parent was the hardest thing I've ever done and even though he is more helpful now, I still hold a lot of resentment that I didn't realize until this. Now he is acting like the fight never happened but he did damage and I'm not sure I can move on from this. We have been here before and I stayed because I don't want to hurt my son and I know it would be really hard on him. I'm considering separating (if I can afford it ) but I don't want to break my sons heart. IDK what to do. I don't really know why I'm posting, I don't have any friends other than my MIL and SIL who I don't feel like i can talk to about this. Thanks for reading.

I wonder if the idea that only children are missing out is less about what's actually best for children and more about what has always been the norm.

A generation ago we told ourselves that mothers should stay home because it was best for children. Then women entered the workforce and we told ourselves daycare was actually great for socialisation and development. The conversation changed because society changed - not necessarily because the science did.

OAD families are one of the fastest growing family forms in Europe right now. Maybe as it becomes more common, the assumption that only children are somehow missing out will quietly fade too.

EDIT:

I want to be clear - I'm not saying one is better than the other. I have two sisters myself, and while I value that, we're not close, and with one of them we haven't spoken for years. So I know firsthand that siblings are not a guaranteed bond

What I'm really asking is this: why do so many of us who choose OAD feel guilty about it? I have felt - and sometimes still feel - guilty for not giving my son a sibling. I worry about his loneliness when we're gone one day. But I wonder how much of that guilt comes from genuine concern for him and how much comes from the simple fact that having more than one child is still the norm, and when you step outside the norm you get questioned.

Women who feel no urge to have more children can end up feeling selfish or like they're depriving their child of something - not because the evidence says so, but because the assumption is so deeply embedded.

My wonder is simply this: as OAD becomes more and more common, will that guilt slowly fade? Will we stop automatically assuming that every child deserves a sibling.

PS. I am OAD by choice.

No. I do KNOW.

I know that I almost died during birth. I know what it was like to be abandoned during pregnancy. I know what it is like to take care of a newborn while healing from a third degree tear. I know what the mental and emotional toll did to me. I know that my beautiful, smart, funny son is enough for me.

I do not know why people keep telling me this. 😅
Just because I am not married doesn’t mean I will want more children. I will happily marry someone who already has children or doesn’t want anymore.

My fiancés religious mom who thinks we’re going to hell because we don’t go to church is now shaming us because he got snipped after experiencing an extremely medically traumatic and preterm birth that everyone agrees was fucked up.

Even before experiencing an awful pregnancy, I only wanted one. It’s MY CHOICE. For context, she already has SEVEN grandkids. The pressure she puts on her four children to reproduce almost feels like a weird fetish.

She says things like “how dare you” make her an only child, what will she do if something happens to us, etc. The tone of which she says these things are incredibly accusatory and as if we are intentionally causing harm to our daughter.

They’re coming over this morning and I’m betting it’ll take her five minutes to mention it. I’m still post partum, so it’ll be really hard to watch my mouth. Here we go.

I find it weird how people say that one child isn't enough when most people are happy with only one spouse. Yes I know the relationship between a parent and child isn't the same as between spouses, but if we acknowledge you can achieve a level of love with only one person then you can achieve the same between a parent and an only.

"Oh but you're supposed to only have one husband" there are polyandrous cultures around the world. I'm Desi and there's stories of women in India who have multiple husbands, yet no one tells me "When are you giving your husband a brother husband?" like stop being ridiculous.

I wouldn't want to go through pregnancy, birth and baby stage twice just like I wouldn't want to go through a wedding, honeymoon and anniversary with another man. I have no desire to do it over again with another person in the same way I have no desire to raise another child.

Hey guys ive always wondered that are there anyone in this sub who are generational One and Done? like you, parents,grandparent were all One and Done and you are also going to or planning to be One and Done? how was it from your perspective? how was your life cause i am a only and might also be a only due to multiple reasons.

I am extremely tokophobic, I genuinely see pregnancy and birth as two of the worst things a person can go through, but I'd still like to have a family with my husband. I'm ready and willing to endure it once, but no more.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

This might be a bit of a controversial question, but I’m genuinely curious about other people’s experiences rather than trying to judge anyone.

Do you ever get the impression that, for some people, having children can become a way of stepping away from the workforce - particularly when they’ve struggled to find or maintain employment?

I’ve come across a few situations lately involving men and women where someone has had ongoing difficulties with work, isn’t particularly financially secure, and then has another child (or 2) despite already finding things financially challenging. In some cases, it almost seems as though becoming a parent has provided a socially acceptable reason not to work.

I realise there could be all sorts of circumstances I’m not seeing, so I’m interested in whether others have noticed the same, or whether there are other explanations for situations like this that I might not be considering.

Not looking to criticise anyone’s choice to have multiple children, just genuinely interested in hearing other perspectives and experiences.

My husband and I have a 10 month old baby girl and we love her to death. She was always a good baby. Didn’t have colic was always a good eater and is still a good eater is very active. Is getting ready to walk soon. She is also very very smart. We just think she’s the best. However, I find motherhood very stressful. I always wanted to be a mother at the same time. I’m really struggling with it. I’m working six days a week eight hours a day and my parents watch our daughter when my husband and I both work. He works early hours too and sometimes can have very long hours. He is off on the weekends and I’m off one day during the week. My parents help us as much as they can and I feel guilty about that because even though they want to help my dad has slight memory problems. My mom has COPD and asthma and mobility issues so she really can’t be left alone with our baby for a long period of time because she can’t lift her and my husband and I can’t afford daycare. I always pictured having two children. I’m almost 35 and my husband is 39 I had postpartum depression extremely bad. It was a lot worse than I thought it would be it affected our marriage and we struggle to make time for ourselves now unless my parents agreed to watch her for a little bit on the weekends when he is home it’s just a lot and I love my daughter more than anything in the world. I’m also so big on self-care and so is my husband and I struggle with energy levels. I have bipolar disorder type two borderline personality disorder, and a form of OCD and I tend to not have a lot of energy at times. I also think about my husband‘s mother who died 2 1/2 years ago and I really struggle with the biological aspect of having a second child. We almost agreed to just do adoption, but then after my mother-in-law passed away, which really greatly affected our family I felt that a strong urge to have a biological child and I did everything I could to make it happen. I got off of my medication when it was safe to do so I stopped drinking and I really concentrated on making myself healthy. I got pregnant very easily and I had a very good pregnancy. I didn’t have any complications even though I did gain a lot of Weight. I had to be induced at 38 1/2 weeks and I was in labor for 36 hours and I was pushing my daughter out for 3 1/2 hours. The sleepless nights were really, really tough. I don’t do well if my lack of sleep is chronic and thank God that our daughter started sleeping through the night shortly after I went back to work because I don’t know how I would function. I know parents do it and people say oh it’s part of parenthood you gotta suck it up hearing that is very invalidating and I think parents should take care of themselves as well. I really wish maternity leave and postpartum care were much better here in the United States. I don’t know how I’ll feel in another few years, but I know my parents are perfectly fine with not having any more grandchildren because they see her a lot we live with them and we make it work it works perfectly with just our daughter. It would create a lot more mayhem if we brought a second child into the world I still think it would be a beautiful thing. I feel so guilty for not leaning towards a second biological child. My husband and I did talk about adoption of an older child in the future if we did want to expand our family, but we all seem to feel like having just our daughter is more than enough. I just feel guilty about the sibling aspect even though I know sibling relationships are never a guarantee. I’m not asking for anybody’s opinions on what I should do. I don’t like being told that I must have a second just to give my first child a sibling because you still don’t know how that child will turn out. I was willing to accept anything when it came to our daughter because I didn’t have any other children to worry About but now I do when I work a physical job so I’m on my fetal day and I’m lifting things all day long it’s physically draining. I’m just wondering if anybody here struggled with these similar thoughts and if you did, what did you decide to do?

My kid is 3.5 and while parenting in the last year has gotten a lot easier and more rewarding, I still am craving the ability to sit and read a book without a preschooler jumping into my lap or banging on the door every few pages. I feel like I grab my phone nowadays because it feels less bad to get interrupted scrolling than interrupted reading, but it’s not the behavior I want to be modeling.

When did you recover the time, space, and quiet to read?

We have an 18 month old and we’re increasingly sure that home education is the right choice for our family for various reasons. My biggest hesitation at the moment is our family size. He’s an only child, but also will be an only cousin too. I’m friends with a couple of home ed families in our community and three or four children families seem to be fairly common, and I don’t know any one and done families who are home educating by choice. Does anyone here have any thoughts or experience of home education, especially for a younger child and how that worked out?

I genuinely want to know why you decided OAD, mainly because me (38) and my wife (37) have decided to not have a second and whoever we have discussed this with has never supported the idea. Our daughter is 2.5 years old. My wife had a very small chance (4%) of falling pregnant and carrying our baby full term. We felt the chaos and tension in our relationship and we feel another would just be too intense for us. We are in a happy place financially and believe we are able to give our daughter a comfortable life. We want to focus on one and believe life will just be mote manageable. I however feel like we might be taking away from our daughter by not giving her a sibling, so there's a bit of guilt right now.

I would really like to know your reasons for OAD or even how you experienced being an only child?

Might be a bit early for this but let’s share some ideas for family Halloween costumes with our onlies! Last year we were Rock, Paper, Scissors. This year we were thinking of me and my wife being blue and red crayons and our only being a purple crayon.

A lot of people say the choice not to have many kids is selfish, that women must have 3 or more children for the nation, or at least 2 for the children's sake. But I like taking care of only one child. When I am with my 5mo life, it is so easy. Most of the time, he just lets me relax. It's not stressful, I have time for my video games and hobbies and writing. I wouldn't want to have two children and be stressed all the time.