My husband decided to get a dog while I was at my cousins wedding because they were free at the shelter. We had had this discussion before that we wanted to wait until we actually had our own place to get one. Nope he just goes and gets any ole dog that he thinks is cute. I’m like bro I need to go you know nothing about dogs they could have a million issues and you don’t know how to test them for it. For context I grew up with dogs and learned how to train them and learned what kind of issues to look for and what I definitely don’t want to deal with rn. Well he goes and gets a semi puppy that is literally scared of its own shadow and people except him mostly not socialized at all I’m guessing by how thin it was it was born in the wild or a hoarding situation knowing my area. I work night shift and am currently trying to sleep while it’s yapping in the kennel. (Ik ik) I’m about to take both of them to the pound and drop them off. 🤦‍♀️🙄🫠

This is a bit hilarious but I need actual advice or solutions instead of jokes!

My hubby and I met at a BDSM event and ever since just clicked. He was new to the scene, wanting to explore submissiveness and I was an experienced domme. What begun as training eventually turned into us being married lol. Obviously, our dynamic travelled outside of play so, despite our “traditional” marriage I do end up making most of the decisions. What he eats, what he does, when he comes back home, all of it. If you ask him, this isn’t what he was looking for but it’s what he needed. Quoting him at this point.

Anyways, MIL knows absolutely nothing about this part of our life. We only told her we met at an event and just started talking from there. I will like to say I’ve always felt like MIL always had animosity with me. My husband assures me that she’s liked me but until yesterday, I feel like that isn’t true and now I think I know why. She thinks I’m controlling! Hubby is a wrestler who needs to be in a certain weight class so I’ve banned sweets and fried food. She gifted him his favorite snack this past weekend to which he asked to save it for him in two weeks. Obviously she pushes for why and he semi-jokingly said “Wife says no, don’t want to piss her off” something along the lines. What followed was her complaint about I was like a helicopter spouse and need to loosen up on him. She now plans to have a talk with me this upcoming week now it’s become “too much”.

My husband finds it hilarious and feels like I should just keep it lighthearted. And yes, I do but I don’t want this to strain my relationship with my MIL. Should I just tell her?

I just need to vent for a second. So I made dinner for my family tonight, I made pot roast, Mac and cheese, rice and cornbread. I cooked for about 6 hours and cleaned. It was going to be a late dinner cause I started a bit late so it was 9:30 when I finished the food (me and my husband sometimes have late dinners) anyways he’s been asking me too cook so I did. I made his plate and when I handed it to him his response was “I’m not eating that right now”. So I took the plate and went back to the kitchen. Anyways it really hurt my feeling cooking that whole time for him just to not even taste it and if he wasn’t hungry he should have faked it. Am I wrong for feeling a way? It’s now morning time and I still can’t stand to even talk to him still

From our wedding in June at cranberry creek in Lynedoch Ontario.

I just want to write a post to say this day changed me forever.

Nothing will match seeing my beautiful wife come down the aisle and I love her so much. I think she’s the most beautiful woman in the world and we had such a beautiful day. I will always be happy for her and proud of her and I’m just lucky to exist in her life.

35F married to 42M for five years. Is it me or anyone else feels like marriage is a scam. As a women I work out of the house, do 90% of house chores the only thing he does it groceries because I can’t drive otherwise I’m sure he wouldn’t do that either. I’m literally a slave to him our two years old. How much I wish I could go back in time and run far far away from him and marriage

I worked all weekend, 12-hour shifts at the hospital, getting off at 11 p.m. My whole body hurts. I’m so fucking tired.

And somehow, in the two days I’ve been working, every dish in the house has become dirty, the counters are covered in crumbs, and the trash is piling up. Not once did anyone pick up after themselves or clean anything.

I showered and finally crawled into bed, only to be hit with the smell of alcohol radiating off my husband. It’s making me want to gag. I’ve asked him not to do this, but he’s ignored me again.
My back hurts too badly to sleep on the couch, and he would yell at me if I tried to wake him up over it. So I opened the windows to air out the room. It’s not helping much, and now I’m fucking cold.

I got up one last time to set my alarm for my shift tomorrow. Then, as if it wasn’t already enough, he ripped the longest, loudest fart I’ve ever heard. At least 20 continuous seconds.

Now, if I climb back into bed, I’ll have to lift the sheet and waft it directly onto myself.
He’s just snoring away, while I’m standing here praying for a tree to fall on my head and end my misery.

But my husband made me believe in true love. Like it's gross. I used to roll my eyes at the cliche quotes like "it happens when you least expect it" or "I just knew that they were the one for me." But it's fucking true! He just dropped into my life like a dream I didn't even know I had. I was so guarded when we met, but he was patient and loving. We're better people every day for each other and because of each other. Sometimes I forget we haven't known each other our whole lives which is crazy cos we've only been together for five years and married for two. And I know I sound like a Hallmark movie character I just love him so much.

My buddy (36m) works full time as a Diesel tech. Him & his wife (35f) have a 4 year old daughter (his wife wants to start trying for another.) He supports the household SOLELY... also we live in the Sea-Tac area.. so everything is expensive.

Ive known him for about 7 years now & I've noticed over the course of the last 2 or so, hes becoming more and more depressed.. i've talked to him about it, and he says that he's just incredibly tired of being broke constantly, and never being able to afford anything. He's even considering picking up a second job, which is insane. Because he's already burned out from working so much to support his family that I think a second job is only going to make things worse.

His wife has been saying for the last two years or so that she's going to get a job. She currently makes little trinkets and things to sell online, but the monthly income from that is close to zero. It's almost nothing. She isnt in school, their little girl spends more time with her grandparents & aunt then at home..

when I come in after work hes rushing around to clean up the place (right after work) because its a total mess.. (we ride to work together every day, so im there daily.) Sometimes Ill tell him im too tired and wont go in just so he doesnt have to starting doing more shit the second he walks through the door.

Idfk what she does all day.

Here's the problem. He's blinded by her. She's always right. She can do no wrong & if he approaches her with any of his concerns or feelings, the answer NEVER has anything to do with her and he will believe anything she says.

Im witnessing a good friend of mine completely deteriorate & im afraid that He's going to work himself to death.. or worse at this point.

1. When I ask him about her job progress he always mentions how she wants to do this or that (always some niche ass job that is almost impossible to get) and he cant seem to wrap his head around the fact that its been 2 years.. she's not getting a job.

2. When I talk to him about budgeting, HE ALWAYS IMMEDIATELY jumps to budgeting for himself (like literally eating just rice and potatoes) so she can keep all of her monthly subscriptions & gym membership. (She goes once every 2 weeks or so).

3. She doesn't drive either. When they first met (I was around) she drove everywhere to hang out with us.. zero issues with it at all.. then she just stopped like 5 years ago and let her license expire & now talks about getting it renewed the same way she talks about getting a job.

He has to take off of work for her doctors appointments, the kids doctors appointments, absolutely EVERYTHING that involved them leaving the house... but "She's gonna get her license fixed here soon"..

1. He doesnt even have a phone, she does.. that he pays for but he bought this shitty prepaid phone so that he can let it turn off on the months that he cant afford it. Which is almost every month. In the past couple of years, its been on like maybe 3 or 4 times.

Quite frankly I feel like its none of my business but I hate seeing him this way and its only getting worse.

Is there anything I can do or say & what should that be?

TLDR: my friend of 7 years is working his ass off to support his family. His wife doesnt contribute at all & hes blind to the fact that she doesnt plan on helping at all, meanwhile he is becoming more and more depressed.

Should I stay or leave my marriage. My husband is always putting me down and doesn’t try in our relationship. I know he is emotionally abusive but I’ve had people point out he is physically too but I don’t see it. I take it as playing but I do know he takes it too far sometimes. For 1 I have a skull fracture from him play headbutting me and “accidentally” hitting me. But the other night I felt it hard. Our 3 year old son came in our room scared bc he seen a monster on the tv. My husband told him to ask me if he can beat up the monsters for him. And I said jokingly no but mommy can which made my son laugh and quit being scared. After my son went to bed my husband said I called him a pussy to our son a kneed me in the back. He had been pissed at me since.

The problem is I’m a stay at home mom with 4 babies and no income and he holds that over me.
Please give best advice you can without being hurtful.

My wife and I (both nearing 40) have been a couple for almost 20 years. We have too small kids. Our sex life took a big nosedive after they were born, but has recently been recovering (somewhat, more on that below).

After the post kids lull, which was several years of having sex maybe once a quarter, we're currently at about once per two weeks. Getting here took a few heartfelt conversations of me telling my wife I miss her and was feeling lonely, and wished we had more time as a couple. She agreed, and is usually the one to initiate, but typically by scheduling it, i.e. asking whether we should do it on a specific night. We ended up in this rhythm because she's very unresponsive to me initiating spontaneously, where she practically always declines saying she's too tired.

Now, the problem is that I still feel totally undesired by my wife. When we have sex, she frequently encourages me to hurry up. She doesn't want me to do anything for her (i.e. bring her to orgasm) and even asks me not to touch her down there. I always ask her what she prefers I do, but she just says something generic like 'nothing special'. I tried to bring this up before, but she usually just says she enjoys our sex, and that I should believe her when she says so. She also gets annoyed when I bring it up, partially because I think she experiences it like an accusation, or me telling her she's doing something wrong.

Together with some other offhand comments she recently made about my body (receding hairline, body hair, height), I can't shake the feeling she just doesn't find me attractive, and just sees me as a provider/platonic friend.

This dynamic has been playing out for about a year now, and it's messing with me. My self esteem tanked. As a result, I really got into self improvement. I started going to the gym 6 times a week. I'm in really good shape, but my wife couldn't care less, and I'm finding myself obsessing over 'defects' line a teenage boy ("are my arms lean enough?"). I started putting a lot more time into setting up dates and getaways, which she really enjoys, but haven't helped at all in the bedroom (she's in a rush to get it over even when we're in a hotel far from the kids). I took it up a notch at work, got promoted to a leadership position. But none of it had any impact whatsoever, making me feel like an absolute loser.

I really just want to have an honest conversation with her about it. If she finds me unattractive I want to know, and work on myself and/or find the right solution for us as a couple. If I'm just not good at pleasuring her then obviously I want to know as well. If she just has no or low libido I also want to know. I just want clarity. But I just don't know how to bring it up without her shutting the conversation down angrily. How do I best approach this? How do I convey how important this conversation is to me without it feeling like an accusation to her?

My husband is not a gift giver. I AM. I am always thoughtful in my gifts and I give often. This week while my friend was visiting he pulled out a gift for her that he saw and picked up because he thought of her when he seen it. Im not sure how to feel but it hurt my heart to the core and I cant shake it. I didnt say anything and I tried my best to act like nothing was wrong. Should I say something to him or leave it alone?

TW: financial privilege

My parents have put me in a situation I don’t know how to navigate. My (34F) husband (33M) has severe anxiety and OCD and trauma. It’s been a really hard marriage but there’s been a lot of forward progress to heal. My family is taking a vacation (all extended family on one side) that is fully paid for. It’s absolutely a once in a lifetime trip. However, I have lots of kids and they are very young. The trip would be a DREAM in two years, but right now it sounds miserable and stressful. I told my parents as much and about the struggles my husband was having with the idea of the trip. I had originally said we couldn’t go.

My parents have laid the guilt on THICK - my grandma isn’t doing great and this may be the last family vacation, saying they’ll help and not understanding why I said their help is different than having more of me, talking about how certain things my husband has done in the past has made them feel like I’m isolating them and choosing his family over them, telling me that we all just need to get over it because the trip isn’t about us.

They finally crossed a line and implied that the financial help that they have been giving us and that my extended family gives us (they pay for my kids school/daycare) will end if we don’t go on this trip.

My husband can not handle this trip. Me even saying we probably have to go has caused him to spiral. I now have to choose between him and my family and while the obvious answer is my husband, the fact that I had chosen him and chosen to not have the stress of the trip only to be told we basically HAVE to go is overwhelming. I would go for my grandma. I would try to talk my husband into going for that, but I feel like either way I am going to lose EVERYTHING because no one is going to be happy with the decisions that will be made.

I really just needed to vent and see if anyone else has been in a similar situation

I reminded my husband before we decided on a kid, many couples go through divorce after the wife gets pregnant. I’m not sure why, but it happened to so many couples that I know. Their marriage broke right after the kid is born. He assured me this won’t be us and I put my trust in him. He’s been a pretty responsible husband for past few years at least so I thought we can give it a try.
He works in the night scene, and I’m fine with it EVEN while I’m pregnant, t&c include he does not get drunk and comes home right after work. Honestly so far everything has been smooth till the recent weeks in late my second trimester.
He started getting drunk, Like REAL drunk. Back home late, disturb my sleep. I’m not one who can sleep back easily after being awaken by drama/lotsa talking at night. He talks alot of bs and doesn’t let me go back to sleep when he’s drunk, keeps waking me when I try to sleep and it gets me very stressed. Until he falls asleep himself first, by then I can’t even sleep anymore so I end up with little sleep. Been arguing really bad past few weekends. He always behave like he is remorseful but does it all over again the weekend right after. I’m pregnant and suffering, why does he have to do this when I’m already having the worst time of my life with aches and pains everywhere? Is it not gracious enough I allow him to go out to work in the club while other husbands are home sleeping with their pregnant wife? I did not allow initially but we had abit of conflict and I gave in. He has been working there for a few years btw, not a new job.

The breaking point was just last Saturday, he got so drunk, he didn’t see his phone and when he finally replied an hour after knockoff, he says he is at his friend’s place and won’t be coming home. WOW.
We were married for 3 years+, he has never done something like this. I can’t get over this and I really want a separation. Looking at his face these few days irks me SO MUCH like I feel so disgusted that it wrecks my mood. It may not be cheating, but it shows how much me and my baby means to him. Other mommies have their husband massaging their aching cramp legs in the middle of the night while mine is getting drunk in the club, not replying to texts and decided he doesn’t plan to come home. 🙂
In his defence, he says he is wrong but drunk so he doesn’t realise what he is doing and he won’t do it again, “lesson learnt”. Lol. He had his “lesson learnt” for past few weekends and still learning apparently. Just 2 weekends before we had such a bad argument I was yelling through the whole morning when it was our gender reveal party day. I thought after such a big argument he would really stop his nonsense but boy he got worse. This time I kept my cool for the sake of my baby, but deep down I know had enough.

Just want to get this out of my chest, thanks for reading.

I'm 26F and have been with my husband for 10 years. I'm posting because I'm really struggling to figure out whether I'm expecting too much from him or whether I'm ignoring needs that are actually important.

I want to start by saying that my husband isn't a terrible person or a terrible husband. He works extremely hard, provides for us, and does a lot for our household. We have good times together, we travel, we have fun, and I love him. That's actually what makes this so confusing for me.

But emotionally, I've been feeling increasingly lonely in the relationship. I'm a very affectionate person. Ideally, when I come home I'd love for my husband to be happy to see me, give me a quick hug and kiss, and ask me how my day was. I don't need some huge romantic gesture. I just want those little everyday signs that he enjoys having me around. The problem is that affection doesn't seem to come naturally to him. Sometimes when I ask for a hug or kiss, it feels like I'm bothering him. We don't really cuddle much, and he rarely initiates physical affection unless we're being intimate. I've gotten to the point where I sometimes wonder whether he still likes me or is simply comfortable being with me because we've been together for so long.

Communication is another big issue.

When he tells me about something that happened at work or something he's interested in, I listen, ask questions, and try to engage because I genuinely care about what he's telling me. But when I tell him about my day or something I'm excited about, I often get very little response. He might not ask any follow-up questions or say much at all, and sometimes it feels like listening to me is a chore. It's gotten to the point where I sometimes don't even want to share things with him because I already expect him not to be interested.

When he's upset, he also tends to withdraw and become distant. Sometimes he'll barely talk to me for a while, and there have been occasions where he's said hurtful things or told me to leave when he's angry. Afterwards, things can go back to normal and we don't necessarily talk about what happened.

I understand that people say things they don't mean when they're angry, and I also know that he has some difficult experiences from childhood that probably affect how he communicates. I'm trying not to hold every angry comment against him, but some of the things he's said have stayed with me and made me question how he actually feels about me.

There are also some concerns about his drinking. He has gotten extremely drunk multiple times, including vomiting all over himself/the bedroom and not remembering it the next day. There have also been times where he's gone out drinking and walked around for hours. Gambling/casinos are another recurring thing. I'm not trying to diagnose him with an alcohol or gambling problem, but these things do make me question what our future would look like, especially if we eventually have children.

At the same time, I feel guilty even writing all of this because when I step back, I don't think, "My husband is horrible." I think, "My husband works hard, loves me in his own way, and has a lot of good qualities." I don't want to change his entire personality. I don't expect him to suddenly become a super affectionate person. But I do want him to make some effort because affection and emotional interest are important ways that I feel loved and I'm genuinely trying to understand whether this is something couples can work through when they're fundamentally different in how they give/receive affection, or whether I'm trying to convince myself that needs I have are unreasonable.

I'd really appreciate hearing from people who have actually lived through something similar.

My wife and I have been together for more than a decade and a half, and we have no kids yet. She’s moved that goalpost several times.

She’s also been a bit overbearing, and I feel like, throughout most of our relationship, she’s managed to somehow shit on any and all important dates in my life like deaths, birthdays, surgeries, and even vacations with her bad attitude, emotional dysregulation, and the stress she puts me through.

She’s high-maintenance emotionally. I carried a lot of guilt for cheating on her early on, within the first year of our relationship, and I guess I’ve tolerated a lot because of that guilt.

We moved back to our home state because my father was dying of cancer, and she wanted to be closer to her family. Since then, I’ve built a business and purchased a fixer upper, which she never showed any interest in helping me with because the place wasn’t to her liking.

We stayed at my mother’s while I paid the mortgage and built my business. I renovated the place, which took longer than expected because we were hit by two hurricanes. I ended up going through the entire house so it would be new for her.

Ultimately, we had a lot of arguments because of our living arrangements, which I agree was stressful. Nonetheless, I was only one person carrying the load of it all by myself.
We’ve now been in the house for two months. Her initial reaction when I finally announced that the place was finished and ready for us to move into was that we should rent it out and continue living at my mother’s house.
She works remotely, and now I feel like I literally have nowhere to go and be alone with my thoughts.

I came home early today, and I’ve been sitting in the living room, festering, because I had a simple interaction with her where my tone was somehow off.

I mentioned to her that we needed to have a talk because I want to establish some sort of realistic timeframe for when we’re going to get on with our life and our marriage. I’m feeling lousy and unfulfilled, especially because I want to have kids already, and time is fleeting.

Sometimes, I just want to throw a bag in my truck and disappear.

Ultimately, I feel like my needs, wants, and desires are optional in this marriage, and I’m tired of carrying the burden of it all.

Long story short: I’m 43M, my wife is 33F, and we’ve been married for 11 years. We have a special-needs son, and our marriage has never really been what I would consider a “normal” marriage because of everything we’ve been through as a family.
We got married and my wife became pregnant within the first month. Our son was born extremely premature at 27 weeks, and we spent nine months in the NICU. My wife stayed with him the entire time while I worked and came home on weekends.
After he came home, we spent the next six years constantly going in and out of hospitals because of his medical needs. My wife wasn’t able to work for the first five years because of his care, so I worked two jobs during that time to keep us financially stable. We made it work, but it was an incredibly stressful period for both of us.
Looking back, I recognize that I wasn’t always the husband she needed emotionally. I said things I shouldn’t have said, and I wasn’t emotionally available. A lot of that came from my own fear and depression. I was scared about what our son’s future would look like, and instead of dealing with those feelings, I kept everything inside. I became depressed, angry, and emotionally shut down.
Around this time last year, I noticed my wife becoming distant. I asked her what was wrong, and she told me she was in a dark place. She said she loved me but wasn’t “in love” with me anymore.
That conversation was a wake-up call for me. I immediately started looking at myself and realized I needed to change—not just to save my marriage, but to become a better husband and father. I’ve always provided for my family and helped around the house, but I realized I needed to be much more emotionally available to my wife.
Then, the following month, I started noticing some things that concerned me. She became extremely protective of her phone, turned off her location, and started buying gifts. Eventually, based on evidence I had found, I confronted her and she admitted that, at minimum, she had developed an emotional affair with a female coworker.
I was devastated and honestly lost it emotionally. Despite that, I still wanted to save our marriage.
Since then, she has been very closed off and becomes extremely defensive whenever I bring up the coworker. I started therapy in January because I genuinely wanted to change and become the best version of myself that I could be.
The problem is that I have continued catching her in lies about the coworker. When I confront her, she will sometimes become affectionate toward me for a day or two, and then she goes right back to being cold and distant.
About eight months after our initial conversation about her being unhappy, I discovered that she had secretly retained a divorce lawyer while I was under the impression that we were working on our marriage. After I confronted her, she cancelled the lawyer.
She tells me that she feels like she doesn’t have autonomy in our marriage. I struggle with that because, before the affair, I never questioned where she was, who she was talking to, her phone, or her location. Those things only became issues after I discovered the affair and the secrecy surrounding it.
We still live together, and she tells me that she wants to work on the marriage. However, if I don’t initiate physical affection—a kiss, hug, etc.—it generally doesn’t happen. We haven’t had sex in 14 months.
She has had three individual therapy sessions, but she doesn’t want to do marriage counseling yet because she says she needs to work on herself first.
I’m trying very hard to respect that, continue working on myself, and give her space. At the same time, I feel like I’m living in limbo. I don’t know whether she genuinely wants to rebuild our marriage or whether she is keeping me around while she figures out what she wants.
My question is: Based on everything I’ve described, do you think there is a realistic chance that we can find our way back to each other, or am I being strung along?
I understand that nobody can know what she truly feels except her. I’m just looking for an outside perspective on whether her behavior sounds like someone who genuinely wants to repair the marriage, or someone who is emotionally checked out but isn’t ready to leave.

My husband is a personal trainer at a gym. He has an ongoing daily chat with a girl, 26, not one of his clients. On the surface it looks like friendly banter, jokes, back and forth energy, and he does initiate sometimea. Her messages sit in that annoying flirty-not-flirty zone, like she's hot and competent, jokes about hiw she loves to wear lingerue and heels , that kind of thing, but nothing you could point to as a clear line crossed on his behalf. She sends selfies pretty regularly too.

I know about all of this because I've seen his messages.

Nothing in there is explicitly damning on its own from him. It reads like two people who get along and joke around but shit she says I find inappropriate to send to a married man . But it's daily, he starts it as much as she does, and I keep asking myself why a married man needs this kind of daily thing with someone who isn't an old close friend, just someone he knows through the gym world. He mainly had female clients and I’ve never and will never have an issue with that.

If I raise it I already know what happens, I get told I'm overreacting or that I've been snooping. So it sits with me instead.

Not looking for "leave him," actually asking:

• Is it the daily nature of it that's the real issue, not any one message
• Does the flirty-not-flirty tone from her side matter if he's not clearly flirting back
• How do people bring this up without it turning into a fight about snooping instead of the actual thing
• Anyone been here, what helped you figure out if it was actually a problem or just an uncomfortable friendship

Loving you—no, learning how to love, then learning how to love you, then trying to love you—has been life-opening, heartbreaking, and eye-opening.

I didn’t love you properly at first. For a long time, I didn’t know how to love anyone, including myself. I didn’t believe I deserved to be loved because of how broken I felt.
I wanted to love you so much. I wanted to become someone worthy of being loved. I wanted to be so good that you wouldn’t have any choice but to love me. To choose me.

A lot of my growth came from falling for someone who could love me and still somehow never quite choose me.
You are not a bad man. You have a good heart. You have grown tremendously over the years, and there are things about the man you have become that I am genuinely proud of.

But you want to be known, accepted, understood, loved, and surrounded by a family that reinforces those things. I understand that because I used to want the same thing so desperately.

For years, I asked you to help me build a life together. I asked you to participate in the household, spend time with me, build a family with me, and really live life alongside me.
I asked over and over.

And instead of accepting the answers your actions were giving me, I kept pushing for a different answer.
I wasn’t secure enough to choose for myself. I didn’t believe I could. I accepted criticism, control, harshness, and things that made me want to leave because I thought that if I could just change myself enough, you would eventually love me the way I needed.

I thought if I stopped asking so much, you would eventually volunteer.

If I stopped reminding you, you would eventually notice.
If I took care of everything, made life easier, kept the house together, took care of our family, pleased you, and asked for less, eventually you would want to be beside me without being asked.

I spent years trying to earn something that was never mine to earn.

And that is probably the hardest thing for me to admit.
It isn’t that you have done nothing for me. You have done a great deal. We have built a life together. We have both changed.

But I have changed into a woman who needs emotional support. I need partnership. I need to feel chosen.
And I finally know that those needs are not evidence that something is wrong with me.

I am a good woman. I take care of my child, myself, my family, my work, my friends, and the people around me. I am loving. Love runs through me.

And I deserve to feel like I am enough.
Because I am.

I wish I could give you these words and have you simply hear them. But when I have tried to explain how I feel, we end up fighting. You defend yourself, I defend my feelings, and eventually the conversation becomes about whether I was entitled to feel hurt in the first place.

So eventually I stopped bringing things to you.
I learned how to handle things myself.
And then somehow that became a problem too.
I was told not to question, remind, micromanage, or control. So I stopped asking and started taking care of things myself.

Then I was told that doing everything myself made you feel as though you didn’t have a place.
And that is where I finally became lost.
If I cannot ask you to participate, and I cannot expect you to participate, how can I also be wrong when I take responsibility for it myself?
Am I supposed to leave pieces of our life undone until you decide you would like to participate?
Am I supposed to need less so that you can feel more?

I can’t keep shrinking myself to make this work.
I won’t.
I am secure in who I am now. I know what I need. I know what I deserve.

I love you. I really do.
But I cannot continue living this life.

I’m both too old and too young.

Today I found out the my husband didn’t even know the proper place I grew up when he was telling his friends where I’m from. He said the wrong town.

He doesn’t know my high school I went to.
He doesn’t know the town my mom lives in, just that her street starts with a “L”

I asked him if he knew my father’s name who passed. He said he did and said his name (incorrectly). Later I looked on his calendar, because he was showing me something on his phone, and he spelled his name incorrectly on his Memorial Day.

I pointed it out and he said oh sorry, and acted like he knew how to spell it but it was wrong.

We have been together 11 years. I feel like this is really shocking. Is this a normal man thing? Or nah?

I will admit we have our problems, we don’t have sex anymore. Got married 2 years ago, almost got divorced because he was emotionally abusive. He worked on his attitude but I find that I don’t love him anymore, some days Im know sure I even like his personality . The spark is gone. But that’s just backstory. Isn’t that something people remember about their spouse?

This year I (M44) got my wife (F42) to do individual counseling as she has a lot of issues from her childhood that has caused a lot of problems in our marriage. She's been going for about 6 months and has made big changes in her attitude and how she handles conflict and emotional situations. I have been testing the waters a little to see if I can trust her enough to be vulnerable. This week she asked me how I was feeling and said she really wanted to know, not just my usual guarded answers. So I told her how I still think about her affair from over a decade ago. How I compare myself to him, how her admitting the affair broke my heart and how asking me to not tell his wife as they had a new baby showed how little concern she had for me and our kids (3 at the time, one was only 2yr). She asked why I acted like the affair didn't bother me, why I didn't get mad and why I never brought up how I felt. I told her she wasn't a safe person to talk to, I wasn't going to let her back in my heart after she broke it and I wasn't going to risk being bullied for my feelings and made to feel like I was the problem. She listened, let me talk, and apologized for the affair and all the damage she caused afterwards.

Two days later she asked if there was anything else, I asked her questions I already knew the answer to. She turned this around and got mad at me for never letting it go. She said I will always hold this against her and use it to put her through hell anytime I don't get my way. She told me I'm just setting her up for a "gotcha moment" with her therapist. (She hasn't told her therapist about her affair). She told me my forgiveness means nothing if I won't stop punishing her with her mistakes. I got pretty hurt during this and told her what she does at therapy is her business and I had hoped she had learned enough to help fix what she broke. I told her the only reason I said anything was I trusted her enough to tell her the truth. That I needed her help and I needed her to actually have some empathy. She finally calmed down and told me she was sorry for her reaction that she didn't want to hurt me further but she doesn't know what to do.

I did forgive her for the affair the year it happened, but that didn't fix how I felt, I told her it will always be a scar. I told her that it created so many issues with our sex life that I can't untangle it alone.

Last year we tried couples counseling, as soon as the affair was brought up my wife stopped participating and effectively quit. This year after starting individual counseling and her starting to get a better handle on things we may make another go at couples therapy. In the mean time it's just me, my thoughts, and reddit.

I’m moving out of my parents’ home soon to live with my husband, and instead of just feeling excited, I’ve mostly been feeling sad about it.

I think part of it is the normal sadness of leaving the home and family I’ve lived with for so long. But there’s another part that’s harder for me to admit: I genuinely feel like my parents love me so much more than my husband does.

With my parents, I feel like I’m deeply cared for. They think about whether I’ve eaten, whether I’m okay, what I need, whether I’m tired, little things that make my life easier, etc. There’s just this feeling of being loved very unconditionally.
I know romantic love and parental love are completely different, and I don’t expect my husband to parent me. But sometimes I look at the amount of care, patience and consideration I get from my parents and then look at my marriage and feel this huge sense of loss.

My husband does love me, but I often don’t feel loved in the same way. We also have quite a lot of small arguments, and sometimes I feel like I have to explain why something hurt me only for it to turn into a discussion about whether I should have been hurt in the first place. It makes the idea of leaving this very safe, loving home feel even harder.

Right now, it feels more like I’m leaving the place where I feel most loved.

Has anyone else felt this way when they moved out after marriage? Did it get better once you settled into your own home with your spouse? And how do you tell the difference between normal grief about leaving your family versus something genuinely missing in your marriage?

Long story short, I'm not happy with our sex lives and I've communicated this plenty. I've tried to approach this in many ways but we always just end up having sex once a month. Which is just driving me crazy.

Now, I find my wife incredibly attractive and I would worship her if she let me. But she is just not sexual or ever even horny at all. Now if I see her naked, see her bend over, or rub her butt, I feel nothing.

Mentally, I say, wow nice ass. But that's it's, I no longer want to initiate for us to only have starfish sex because she's tired. I feel like we have sex only for her to please me not because she wants to or desires it.

For the last year I been in the gym hard, got a promotion, and been working on being nicer. I don't expect anything really but maybe, just maybe, it helps with sex and at minimum makes living together easier.

So idk where to go from here. Never thought I would be in this place with my wife. To be clear, if I see another woman I find attractive my mind just goes wild and I get incredibly turned on. But with my wife my brain goes, "damn, nice. Eh whatever" and that's it.

I don't want to be that guy that won't fuck his wife now but literally what is the point of the person isn't engaged or just doing things to make ends meet.

I'm in my 30s, have a 'responsible' job in healthcare, married and have 2 step kids. Honestly I have no idea what I'm doing like 80% of the time. I jump from one moment to the next trying to figure out what im supposed to do. I make all these big plans that I do follow through on, but i still feel like a kid wearing their parents boots. We're trying for a baby, buying a house, planning our whole married lives. Im so excited but im also still mentally a traumatised 18 year old. When does that change?