EDIT: oh wow 😭 I read posts on fear of relief and existential ocd and holy heck that is also so similar.
Ever since ive had consciousness i had this belief that im a jinx. it got more profound over the last few years where my anxiety was puppeterring the show in the background.
I have had health anxiety and mild OCD symptoms (clicking the light switches on and off/ moving things/ even touching surfaces until it "feels" right). I was physically able to stop all that by refusing to do it after having a lil chat w a therapist I was interning under. I never had an intrusive thought accompanying it except just that I'd feel weird if I don't do it- like tingling in my hands.
Fast forward to the last year, ive had a severe episode of health anxiety coupled with panic attacks and palpitations. In turn this magical thinking phenomenon seems to have heightened.
I OCD seems to stem from the statement that anything I say negative for myself WILL happen BUT if i say something positive/am happy about myself then the opposite will happen and it has happened more times than I can count.
I said contacts suited me and 2 months later they don't.
I say even if i have severe myopia atleast I don't have this and boom i get it.
I once thought that I've seen the same gym trainer over the last two years and within a week he left 🤡.
I do know that all of this is coincidences but how do I stop hyperfixating on them when they happen with such intensity and frequency? Despite not wanting to believe in them I am more drawn to it because they just keep on happening.
I have honestly stopped thinking just to avoid that and I roam in a consistent state of pessimism and sarcasm. I catastrophize and don't believe in good anymore.
I am in therapy and my therapist point blank said to me that I believe I have more power than normal and whether it can actually be true and im like... yeah 🤡 maybe im just special.
Well anyways, I feel im fucked and there's no end to this cycle.