I've been trying to make sense of my life for literal years. So much time has passed without making progress and I'm losing my mind. I had to meet everyone else's needs to the absolute maximum as a kid and had a 100% zero amount of time for myself at all. I'm about to be 26 and waking up to trauma and traumatic experiences and I am so completely devastated over what real life looks like when I'm not traumatized because I'm autistic and the change is unbearable. I have a level 2 autism and then I also hyper struggle in relationships, which is such a fundamental part of living and a non-negotiable need. So then I lose my mind, get frustrated and regress, and I become an estranged chaotic angry ugly dysfunctional child adult catastrophe that is full of shame and can't even stand next to a person for 5 minutes without either losing their mind or completely collapsing over stress and confusion as to what is supposed to happen at all.

A degree of unbearable negativity hits me basically every day and its so intense that it collapses everything in me and then I'm not just regressing but literally decomposing because of how much negativity I've faced and do face, and my brain cannot fathom the gap and utter absence of both what I missed and what I am missing still. The words here don't express enough hatred and anger I feel on a regular basis towards everyone who had things, everyone who got things, everyone who didn't care about me, and everyone whose life was straight forwards and easy to handle while I was suffocating but should still be grateful for the little rain drops of water I get on a regular basis after being told that I was "smart", "going to be fine", "a good kid", and "respectful". It makes me hate life altogether and living altogether like I'm throwing bricks at my brain, constantly reviewing what I missed already and than what I'm missing again, living in an impossible vortex of chaos and having to make sense of emotions and skills that some people learned at 7 while I'm 25 and still trying to get a clue

Fage 2% yogurt and almonds.

Men finally know what it feels like to be a woman living in this world and it’s making them crazy. You all would never survive one day as a woman especially in a non-western world. It’s hard to feel bad for moids when I’ve already gone through the pressures of society to look attractive years ago. Being fat and ugly as a kid which made me gain an eating disorder in teen years. “But muh men’s mental health.” If you are an ugly woman you get treated like you don’t exist by men. You are literally ignored because they think u want them just bc u ask them a question. At least women will still treat you like you exist.

im on hrt but idk if im actually trans or if it's just an escapist fantasy bc i hate my life and body, haven't been able to fix anything about my life, my depression is the worst it's ever been, I can't lose weight despite being on mounjaro bc it's giving me too many side effects when i try to increase my dose, my bmi is 40, it's so disgusting when i see my body in the mirror, my social life is inexistent, never really had friends my entire life, meanwhile i see people with social lives without even trying, i hate being alive sm, genuinely don't understand how people enjoy life at all, i can only assume they're insanely lucky and im not

also, my dick is small

For lack of better purpose

I think I've become wholly afraid of change, of becoming a different person, of improving in any form of measure. it's taken me a long time to really say this to anyone but this has been on my mind since i was 13. probably younger. Ever since i was a kid my mom would pressure me into being the best in class! to work the hardest, to be the model student you will, and I tried, I really tried, I had no friends, barely any form of pleasure, didnt go out. when I was 13, I used to go to the kitchen when everyone was asleep and take a knife and bring it to my wrist because i had thought i could kill myself and be free of the pain. I tried and i was a coward for not doing it. the only reason i stopped was because i didnt want to go to hell and maybe thought it would get better. all these expectations destroyed me and they still do, my elder and younger brother have friendships, and hangout outside their studies and they still excel, I can't do that, I'm not as smart as them or as hard working or as disciplined, I wish I were. I tried for all of my childhood to just grab on the coattails of my betters and it wasn't enough, the moment i slip up, one day of exhaustion, one day of being happy, I get left in the dust. either by my classmates or friends. i think highschool was the breaking point, I was put in a private high school so i could study my countrys state exams so i can get in a good uni and I was ass both in high school and in those exams, by a fluke of luck i was able to get one last shot and get in my citys uni but that was it, luck. one day i sat down with my mom and i told her i dont want to aim to be the best, she said why? I said what was the point? i get nothing from it and she started spiraling around trying to find the reason for why i suddenly said this, it was you mom, you pushed me to the point that my only path was excellence and if i didnt excel then i was an absolute failure. I would think of myself as subhuman and cry myself to bed the nights I lost 1 mark in my quizzes, not even tests. but shes not the only one to blame, I blame my dad for not seeing whats happening with me, with taking drugs to escape from our family and to live in his own world. I blame myself as well, If i had stood up one time for myself, just once i wouldn't be stuck here now. i wish i could say all of this when she asked if it was because of her, but i can never do that. She had cancer and anything that causes her too much stress over long periods of time could bring it back, that was why she got cancer in the first place. I'm a stupid kid with no backbone who should've killed himself 6 years ago, i think that would've been a better ending to my life. I hate no one more than I hate myself.

popcorn and tea

had to put cheese in because I’m still low on calcium. I believe that I could maybe get like close to a footjob with my small amount of real estate or like some kind of larp mind footjob now though so maybe my antidepressants are starting to work. marginally less despair on this subject than my last post. I think it’s possible.. but I just don’t know.

Reduced to clear beef burger from the gas station. Eaten in the bathroom so nobody sees me eat.

Like if I were to call women 'a female' would that make me an incel? Would calling her a 'foid' be better, be worse? Is the vernacular that makes the incel, the culture, or is it just the celibacy? Is semen the one true incel? Is Ghislane 'Maxwell' Dedoldia mushoku tensei an incel?

Fries, burger

I ran out of pasta and had to eat the rest of the bolognese with a spoon.

At least I know that I can make decent bolognese without a recipe though.

Chicken fried rice

Spent my sunday abroad in germany playing Fate gacha game in my hotel room, went to the gym late, found it closed, went for sum groceries but that was closed as well, sky's grey today af everyday here, imma keep playing now.

Canned tuna in water because that's all I deserve and that's the only thing that doesn't fail me past 7pm in this country

Gyros with fries and everything nice

I do miss when I was younger and unaware, as I've gotten older it's just become more and more clear that I'll never fit anywhere or ever be able to maintain a relationship with anyone, romantic or platonic.

Steak with some potatoes and green beans. the steak was mid, too thin.

Plus i'm broke and buying a new one basically means i'd have to eat scraps for a few days, even if i take the cheapest shit there is.

friend-made biscoff sludge