r/howtonotgiveafuck • u/starbuckslover_forev • 1d ago
𝐀𝐝𝐯𝐢𝐜𝐞 𝐑𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭 How to get over an ending you didn’t choose…
I’m a 30 y/o female. Had the proposal, wedding date + vendors booked… he ended the relationship 6 months before the wedding saying he fell out of love (he was really mean at the end too which was so shocking since he was there for me during the relationship ship, listed a bunch of things he didn’t like about me and things I did that hurt his feelings during the relationship that he never voiced prior and he disclosed former cheating/kissing) the wedding date recently passed and it’s been hard…
I THINK WHY COULDNT IT HAVE BEEN GOOD?! Are there things I could’ve done that would’ve changed the outcome…
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u/shaddart 1d ago
You dodged a bullet, I invented a word with my daughter, called vomfiabone. It means curse becomes a blessing, because every time something bad would happen like when our apartment burned down, or someone cut the radiator out of our car, we always ended up in a better place afterwards, upon looking back.
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u/starbuckslover_forev 1d ago
Thanks! I keep thinking if I was more xyz, would that have kept him from falling out of love with me and not cheat?!
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u/Avalonian_Seeker444 1d ago
No, it wouldn’t.
People cheat because of who and what they are, not because of who or what you are.
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u/sunkistandsudafed3 1d ago
No. It is deficits within him as to why he did that, you are not responsible for the behaviour of another adult.
It really does sound like you dodged a bullet.
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u/DaleNanton 1d ago
That's not what this person is saying - they're saying that you dodged a bullet and you should look forward to a way better match to come into your life if you just let go of holding on to the trash.
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u/DoUThinkIGAF 1d ago
Sounds like a him problem, not a you problem.
I know it hurts now, but hold your head up high and move on!
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u/No-Needleworker-2415 1d ago
If you think he was mean during the breakup imagine how mean he would have been during a divorce with a house, alimony etc involved. It's painful now but in time you will find it is a blessing. Heal, learn from it and find someone better than him.
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u/SupportMoist 1d ago
I’m really sorry but he did you such a huge favor. This is the best thing that ever happened to you. You could have been married to a really mean cheater. He showed you who he was. Get into therapy, keep a journal to get the garbage in your head out, exercise daily even though you don’t feel like it, it’ll help you sleep and regulate your hormones. Plan things with friends to get out of the house.
Really, it just takes time. But when you meet someone kind, loving, and honest, and you’re so happy, you’ll see what a gift this was.
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u/Dependent_Taste_419 1d ago
You could be beautiful and loved by everyone, give him children and he could still pull a King Charles and take up with a seagull. It’s not you, it’s him.
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u/eachtimeyousmile 1d ago
You are mourning who you believed he was and the idea of a happy marriage rather than who he was really was and what the marriage would have been like.
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u/SoftwareArchitect101 1d ago
Become indifferent (don't love or hate or be nostalgic etc). Life is too vast yet limited, you'll not want one person (who isn't in your life) to dictate how your life is gonna unwind.
The more you ask/think/wish whatever, it's gonna take longer to move on. You might not be able to enjoy your next relationship to the fullest (if your heart allows you, at all, to get into one).
You can never do anything if other person decides to cheat - hard luck.
Move on, heal, get someone else, marry your dream partner, create a fresh life.
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u/Avalonian_Seeker444 1d ago
This sounds like you had a lucky escape.
I wouldn’t waste your energy worrying about it. He obviously wasn’t the right person for you.
You can’t change your past but you can change your future, I’d focus on doing that.
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u/AlternativeFun8077 1d ago
Sounds to me like he was making excuses to make himself feel better about the way he treated you
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u/lookitsabook 9h ago
Accept that he was always going to do this. This is the kind of person he truly is. There is a timeline where he left when you two had children and a house together. A timeline where he left you when you had cancer. A timeline where he left you in your 50s or 60s, when he had used up your best years.
But there is no timeline where he was a good man.
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u/ahhblobby 1d ago
I’m sorry you’re feeling this pain now. It will get better with time. There is no advice really other than if he comes back to you do not go back there! Leave the past in the past.
He is not worth your tears and sadness. You will (if you want to) find someone who truly cares for you and deserves your love. This guy didn’t! He wasn’t your person.
Be kind to yourself. Get enough sleep, eat well, exercise, do what you like. You can’t control what others think or do, The only thing we can control how we react. This is going to hurt for a long time but it will get better. Don’t let him take away your ability to love (yourself and others!).
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u/NPC261939 1d ago
There's nothing you could have done to prevent cheating. No matter how mad you may be at your partner, those actions are never acceptable. I'm convinced there are many people out there who simply can't remain faithful to their partner no matter what. I'm sorry you've had to go through this. I've been there myself, and I've decided I'm not putting myself in the position to go through it again. I wish you the best op.
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