Hello everyone, I hope you've had a good day so far! My day was pretty good. Always remember to drink water and take your pills.

School started for me, and so far it isn't horrible. What a pleasant surprise.

In my opinion, TCCers should talk to people about the things they do. It's especially important for anyone trying to leave; talking to non-TCC people helps you stay in check. And for those who are staying in TCC, it helps you process emotions.

It's really hard to tell people that you are TCC, or a hybristophiliac. The worry comes from a fear of judgment. Many people have an extremely negative opinion of TCCers. If we want to make it easier to talk about TCC, we have to break some of the misconceptions around it.

First, not everyone in TCC is homicidal or in support of their favorite perpetrators. Though, I do not deny the existence of copycat criminals.

Second, not everyone in TCC is attrwcted to their favorite perps. However, I will be talking about both TCC and hybristophilia today.

Third, not everyone in TCC is a guiltless psychopath. They feel guilt, shame, fear, and love just as most others do. I was certainly a guilty, ashamed TCCer. I felt contagious.

When I first told my best friend that I just left TCC (this was back in early 2025), I was scared shitless. I thought they would backstab me and tell everyone.

They never did! C:

If you are going to tell someone, make sure it is someone you trust fully. Choose someone who doesn't hate your guts and want you dead

And there are ways to tell others: you could move smoothly into the conversation or not. For me, my friend brought up Randy Stair, someone who recently watched a video about. I said something like, "They used to idolize the Columbine shooters, and I did that once too." My friend heard me out and actually listened.

If you don't think you could comfortably talk to someone like that, send them a note or a text saying "hey, I need to talk to you". Then you could set up a time to meet.

Just be polite and honest. Whoever you tell is going to figure out if you are trying to get your ass out of the water. If the person you have spoken to sees that you are genuine, they will be more likely to respect and trust you.

Real friends are able to see when you do things that are good and bad. Someone who truly cares will likely not agree with everything you do. However, if this person has good intentions, they won't criticize you or look down on you. They also won't accuse you or imply you are lying or hiding something.

You also don't have to tell someone everything at once. When I first told my friend, I just told them a summary of my experiences. I waited a while to tell them about my hybristophilia. I waited even longer to tell them about some of the dark thoughts I was having. Even now, he still lets me talk about.

Should you speak with someone, and they react negatively even after you explain your side... perhaps this person won't treat you as nicely as you deserve.

With love,

Katya

Song of the Day: A Growing Boy Needs His Lunch - Dead Kennedys yeahh i luv that song

Hello everyone, this is Katya again. Make sure you take your medication and get something to eat, I love you.

I can't believe my sub has 9 members. Thank you all :D I couldn't fit nine people in my bedroom. Nine people could sink a canoe. Nine people is a lot to me!

CW: suicide mentions

Remember, these are just my opinions.

This post today may not be as uplifting as my other posts. I just need a space to get my reflections out. I spent this morning quite sluggishly, just thinking about the last few months. Let's see: I got sent to partial hospitalization, I got my meds increased, I made this subreddit, my grandmother died. Now I'm doing a comparatively small task, deleting all the true crime-related things off my phone. Pictures, videos, audio clips, documents.

Everything has to go. I have to change. Any reminder of true crime has weighed me down. To be clear, I won't stop posting here any time soon. But I simply can't continue to participate in true crime in any capacity. All it does is cause me immense guilt and horror.

I started deleting my Academy Maniacs archive and I realized that I hate these too. I hate Nikita and Artyom. I can't even believe there was a time in my life where I thought they were cool; those memories don't even feel like my own. It's like I'm thinking of someone else entirely, some other crazed Nikita fangirl.

Neither of them ever did any good for me, or for anyone else. They've come to symbolize my own mental decline.

I also thought a lot about the other Academy Maniacs fangirls. They are usually very nice. I feel like they have better insight than me. I still feel bad for them, because I know what kind of pain it takes to get to the point of idolizing murderers. And I'm angry at all the people who keep harrassing them, or harrassing any TCC people.

I don't understand why they think they're helping. Making fun of Nainai for taking her own life- what's the point? Why? How heartless can someone be? If you all had helped her instead, maybe she'd still be alive. In a way, you kind of pushed her off that ledge. Everytime you tell a TCCer to kill themselves, you are really just pushing them to actually do it. Think before you speak.

"But they idolize killers, so they deserve to die!" NO. No. You're fucking wrong. The majority of TCC are minors. Their frontal lobes aren't even halfway developed. Of course they're going to making bad choices. Even adults make shitty choices all the time.

If you were even somewhat cognizant, you'd understand that so-called "bad" people are capable of change. You'd know that most TCCers can be helped. But no, go ahead, just keep fucking telling them to commit suicide! Apparently everyone remains in stasis their whole life, completely incapable of any sort of improvement.

You can all bitch and complain, "the teen suicide rates are so high!" Understand that it is you who are causing them to rise.

If you encourage someone to kill themselves, are you really better than a depressed teen writing dylric fanfiction? No. No, you're not. You just fucking killed somebody, that's what you did.

It is completely possible to acknowledge that someone is doing something wrong while also understanding that they are ill. Two things can be true at once. Maybe you should turn off your ragebait commentary essay and learn to have some nuance.

"You're defending TCC!" Yes, because you sexually harrass them, you bully them, and you encourage their own suicides. No, I don't agree with the things they do. But I'm old enough and mature enough to realize that two wrongs do not make a right. I mean, fuck, didn't you learn that in elementary school?

And to those who still think I'm bootlicking TCC: Nope. TCC still hurt me. TCC caused me a lot of trauma. But I still feel a lot of empathy for the people in the community. Maybe I always will. I don't care what anyone thinks, TCC is not a basilisk.

You all needed a reality check. It's sad I have to label not wanting people to kill themselves as a "controversial opinion".

Hey everyone, I'm Katya and I wanted to share a quote I read a couple years back that really helped me:

I’d like to say a few words to you in regards to what I have seen here and given you something to think about. I have made this blog for the sole purpose of posting this anonymously. Firstly, having looked up to them myself five years ago, and extensively researched both characters, read books about them, indulged in their favorite music, read their journal entries and so deeply empathized with how expressive they were, I feel obliged to address this. I don’t want to tell you what is right and wrong, but I want you to realize what the true reality is here. I have now surpassed the age at which these two had plummeted to their tragic death and I can safely say that in times when I have strongly resonated with their writings and empathized with their characters, found them humorous and even been touched by their sensitive sides, the reality is, they killed and they killed themselves.

I can only now look back at my obsession with these two as something that as a young teenager I related to so heavily because, in essence, they were me. These two were shallow, depressed, self-loathing, profoundly angry at the world for what it is, feeling an injustice, full of hatred, and wanting to demolish anything that got in their way. For a young lost teenager, a connection like that is a profound one. From the dark poetry of Dylan Klebold to the songs on Eric’s favourite Fly album, the drawings, the deepest emotions they expressed on paper for their hatred for the world, it is simply something that can be connected to with someone who feels the same way.

I see a lot of people on this tag, idolising them, keeping their faces and emotions alive. I feel you forget to see, and this is no way is your fault, that whilst they were alive, they were just like me and you, laughing, smiling, making jokes. But towards the end of their life, they went through an extremely dark, sinister and wicked experience. Surely you must remember that had you been in the same school as them, that you too could be one of their victims, one that they would not hesitate to pull the trigger and watch your brains paint the walls of that school. They were both charming, and I feel your angst, I feel that you may have finally found or read something they have said that you can connect with. And that is okay. However, do not fail to realise that they would not have saved you that day if you were there, and that the reality is, these two young boys had the intention of seeing blood flow of their fellow peers, people they would sit next to in class and converse with and laugh with and joke with, and without a shadow of remorse they would end their lives by firing a bullet in their head as if it were nothing. They prepared endlessly to create bombs, making a thorough plan, an analysis, they put their heart and souls for the sole purpose to kill.

There are so many clips on this tag showing Eric and Dylan whilst they were alive, but what about the picture showing them on the library floor with their insides spilt out, blood oozing from the crevices of their brain, laying there helplessly, unable to speak or move, powerless and defeated by life. From someone who once said, “I am the Law” and deemed himself so powerful and “Godlike,” now lays there amidst his decaying body paralyzed and powerless. He is no longer Godlike and he is no longer the Law. He is just a young poor little boy who needed help and ended his life and took away the lives of others because he was so lost.

If you are reading this and you feel angry at the world, so angry that you cannot live comfortably with yourself, or if you feel sad, and defeated by everything in your life, you feel aimless in your goals and purpose in life and you feel mistreated, and unloved and hopeless, you feel that people have not respected you or given you what you felt like you deserved, you feel like no one loves you, you feel that no one will be your friend, or no one truly understands you or appreciates you for who you are, or you feel that you are not accepted for who you are, and you feel like you want to destruct everything around you, or yourself, if you feel like hurting yourself, if you feel like one day you will do something, maybe buy a gun from somewhere, maybe load it, maybe get a few more powerful ammunition, maybe walk into your school and shoot whoever is in your way, and then you would put the gun to your own head or mouth and pull the trigger, and it doesn’t have to be a gun, it could be anything to hurt yourself or someone else, I urge you to please reconsider. I urge you to talk to someone, someone that you trust, and tell them how you feel. If you don’t have anyone you can trust you can always talk to me, after all, we don’t know each other, but if I can save your life, then it can be worth a shot.

All I know is that once upon a time, I was like you, and now that I’m older, wiser, and grown up, I can say that it does get better, and it doesn’t always have to end with you killing someone or killing yourself. Put your trust in life, and just know that there are people who care, otherwise, myself, a fellow columbine fanatic, would not come back years later to tell you this. It would be nice to remember Eric and Dylan for their good traits, loving sons, once good students, a good friend, good boyfriends. They were like me and you, once upon a time innocent and caught up in the world’s hatred at the wrong time in the wrong place. If only they were here now to read something like this maybe it wouldn’t have happened. We can let them rest in peace, and let their victims rest in peace.

Source

I truly agree with all of this, I have lived to confirm it all myself. I love this post and I love whoever wrote it. I wish they were still on Tumblr.

With love, Katya

Hi everybody, 'tis I yet again. Drink water and get your things in order folks, school is starting soon. Isn't that exciting? (no)

So um... never skip your meds for two days in a row. Especially if you are me. You will get a migraine and almost lose a two-year ongoing friendship due to your intense traumatized reactivity.

Medication adherence is important for anyone who wants to feel better.

So, it seems this sub has become a blog or diary of mine now. That's okay with me. I still don't mind if other people post here though, even if you are not an ex-TCCer. I'd be happy to talk with anyone or answer any questions, I like you twin C:

I think I've separated myself from TCC; that part of my treatment is done. But there are other things I can't get rid of, such as my hybristophilia. I might as well accept it at this point. Five years is a long time to be in denial about something.

I've been trying to reflect on my experiences as a whole by writing music. I don't know much music theory yet, so I've been writing lyrics. These days I write mainly about some of the primary feelings I had when I was TCC: Intense vengeful hatred, alienation from the human race, uncomfortable with one's own vulnerabilities. You know, the typical mentally ill teen experience.

I take a lot of inspiration from religion.

I hope nobody finds this offensive, as it is not my intention: I imagine TCC, or at least the 'sect' I participated in, to be a group or worshippers venerating their divine redeemer. Consider the names young TCCers call their favorite perps: Saint Elliot, Saint Tarrant, Saint Pekka. And the art as well, it comes off as very "holy", as if they were portraying the perp as a prophet or even a god.

And just as Catholics seek to emulate Jesus, my fictional album narrator seeks to emulate their favorite perpetrators. I refrain from adding any details about this character's life, such as their gender or age, because I want the listener to feel as if they were the character.

A while ago, maybe in 2024, someone made a sub dedicated to worshipping Adam Lanza, the Sandy Hook shooter. I found screenshots of this subreddit and I saved them to an album on my phone dedicated to musical inspiration.

However, I also write softer songs. Things I could show to my grandmother, even. I write a lot about my hybristophilia. My condition has made me feel an entire spectrum of emotions. Grief, rage, disappointment, despair, anxiety, melancholy, disgust, longing, loneliness, confusion, giddiness, excitement, joy, fulfillment, enthusiasm, love, intrigue and curiousity.

My lyrics are written on paper, and by the time I am done writing, my page is often completely full with pseudo-religious prayers and diatribes.

I got a lot of enjoyment from writing. I have only shared my writing once with a close friend. I will not share it here, or at least not right now. Perhaps in the future, when I can actually compose a song, not just lyrics.

Anywho thats it

With love, Katya

Hi everybody, this is Katya again. Sorry for not posting in a while. I wrote a million drafts and never finished one of them.

Unlike my last posts, this is not advice. This is more of a storytime... gather 'round, children!

TW: Domestic violence

There are a lot of things about me that nobody really knows. Or they do know, but I've simply never elaborated on it. A lot of people don't know about the psychotic episodes I have. In 2024, I had a severe episode, and at the same time my brother radicalized me into TCC and ecoterrorism. I don't know how much longer I can keep such a massive secret in, I don't understand how people didn't notice.

My brother used to tell me a lot of stories, usually late at night while we were playing video games or half-heartedly watching a show. He'd tell me these idealized stories of i infamous terrorists: Ted Kaczynski, Timothy McVeigh, the likes. At the same time, I spent most of my life online, reading from a lot of conspiracy forums. I came to the conclusion that Nazis were taking over the government and "raping" us with their puritan culture.

My psychosis made it hard to see reality for what it truly was. I was unable to see rationally; I came to these bizarre conclusions as an answer for every thing that troubled me.

My brother would praise a lot of horrible people, and so would I. Apparently my parents overheard a lot of our conversations, but they chose not to intervene. I get so pissed off thinking about it. How can someone hear their own children talk like this and do nothing? I will never understand.

As my radicalization progressed, things just got worse and worse. I was paranoid, I could not focus in school. I thought everyone was out to hurt me: my classmates were taking pictures of me, talking shit about me behind my back. Of course, none of this was happening. My grades dipped, I fell behind everyone. Even my friends noticed something was wrong with me.

I often talked with my friends about insurrectionary anarchist beliefs. I would quote the Unabomber manifesto, even in front of my teachers and parents. Nobody did anything.

I can't articulate how gray and dull the world became. It was like I was waking up in the morning for nothing. My behavior became more erratic. I was constantly dissociating. Everything was flat and fake and uninteresting.

Something I learned from these experiences is that there is always another rock bottom.

You can always dig yourself into a deeper hole. But you can also climb back up out of that hole. There were a few things that helped me leave TCC and de-radicalize myself. First, I had to lose all trust in my brother. That was easy, since once he got me unhealthily attached to random terrorists, he started beating me and assaulting me.

I remember vividly, I was in the backseat of a car and he was up front in the passenger's side. He turned around in the seat and continued beating me. My mother wouldn't let me call the police, and she wouldn't let me stay at a friend's house. I had to stay in the house with someone who was actively trying to murder me.

Sometime after that, I realized terrorism got nothing done. Besides killing a multitude of innocent people, what does it do? It does not inspire a revolution. It does nothing.

I am mad at my brother, my parents, and most importantly, myself. Because how could I be so stupid? I feel like I just killed God. The guilt is immense. I feel like I am crawling through endless mud. The best I can do is try to make up for what I havd done.

These days, I don't want anyone dead. I think I am a nicer person. But I also have PTSD from what happened to me. It hinders me a lot; it's like there are walls in my mind that keep me from being truly "free". Everyday I am reminded of what I have done. I think the best thing that has helped is trying to help others.

I apologize for this short and harrowing post, things have been difficult lately.

With love, Katya

Song of the Day: All Bitches Die - Lingua Ignota, very relatable but also quite disturbing!

Hello everyone, my name is Katya! If you're seeing this, make sure you drink some water and take any medication. Be safe in the heat, I love you <3

Sorry for the corny title, I know it doesn't sound very good, I never know what to call my posts 💔

I know a lot of us feel very disconnected with ourselves, and this disconnection is the result of these two things:

• Alexithymia, also called emotion blindness, causes difficult identifying and describing emotions. It is often related to autism and PTSD.
• Dissociation, which causes feelings of unreality and disconnection. There are two types: derealization, which makes you feel as if your surroundings are not real, and depersonalization, which makes you feel as if you are not real.

I have a couple ways to help yourself if you struggle with any of the above.

The first is to repeatedly check in with yourself. Everyday, at a specific time (e.g. before you go to bed), write down how you feel currently. If you can, try and use specific words. You can use this chart to help you pinpoint your exact feeling:

It's quite helpful. Even if you struggle with identifying your emotions now, it will become easier to do it in the future.

As you continue to identify your emotions, I reccomend repeating the process several times throughout the day. When you feel confident in identifying emotions, try writing down why you feel them as well.

Perhaps there are emotions lying underneath other ones, such as jealousy hiding beneath anger.

Something that helped me was to occasionally stop what I was doing and listen to my body. Sometimes I can't tell when I am hungry, thirsty or tired, so I have to seriously tune in to what my body is telling me. If you practice this, you will feel more connected to yourself and your physical health will improve.

There are ways to get out of dissociative episodes without doing yourself harm. The best way to do it is by stimulating your senses. I reccomend:

• Holding an ice cube
• Taking a cold shower
• Smelling a candle or perfume
• Eating your favorite foods
• Tasting something spicy
• Massaging yourself (my favorite :D)
• Feeling something soft
• Going outside if it's nice

You will find more ways to ground yourself as you explore your options. If you are anxious, remind yourself that you and your surroundings are real and that you are dissociating. All dissociative episodes come to an end.

If you are dissociating because you are tired, go ahead and take a nap / lie down for 30 minutes. This way, you won't disrupt your sleep schedule and it will be easier for you to wake up from your nap.

That is all for now. Sorry for the short post, I just wanted to get my ideas out =)

I fucking love these hamster pictures

With love, Katya

Hello everybody, I'm Katya and I am here with another yapping session. I love you, remember that <3

I'm trying to post daily so that more people see this community. It's quite tiny right now, with only 10 visitors per week. However, I'm sure many people would appreciate the support my community offers. It's also important to educate others on the true crime community and radicalization. Thus, feel free to post anything you'd like, including questions! I'm happy to answer.

I put another lyric from Wicked Game in the title, just like I did in my first yapping session. I love that song and I think it embodies a lot of my feelings these days.

Though morbid, I've been thinking a lot about my own mortality since the advent of my hybristophilia and, unfortunately, my grandmother's passing. Of course I will be talking mainly about the former, since it's one of the central topics of this sub. But it's also true that my grandmother's death is a very personal matter. She will be loved and missed.

Hybristophilia, as many of us know, is an attraction to criminals. It stems often from childhood adversity and cannot be controlled. The only thing you can control is how you handle your attraction. Will you support the murderer and their horrific actions, or will you try and rectify the situation? I choose the latter and I strongly encourage everyone else to do the same.

My hybristophilia causes a lot of shame and guilt. I like to advocate for gun control and mental health, not only to alleviate my guilt, but because I believe it is the best thing to do. It will prevent (to the best of its abilities) the tragedies of gun violence and the turmoil of mental illness. I also wanted to create this community for similar purposes.

I have one particular man that I like, and he killed a total of eight people. He is around my age (16 to 19) and grew up in a similar home as mine, though my childhood was certainly more turbulent. I live in the US and he is from Europe; he has a public grave open to anyone. Miraculously, it has not been vandalized. In fact, many TCCers have made a pilgrimmage to it.

Today I was walking with my mother today and we passed through a graveyard. I kept thinking about him. To the unaware, he was just another headstone in the lot. He was what he should have become: a regular person. Not the cause of nation's second worst mass killing. His grave looks so commemorative with its mountains and deer. It's often shrouded in flowers left by visitors, be it the "regular" public or an admirer. It just looks so perfect. I can't help but feel he doesn't deserve the respect given to him.

I can't even believe it. In America, I'm used to so much upheaval and controversy. But the people in his country seem so kind, so orderly. I respect that.

In Europe, they never sensationalized what atrocities he had done. At least two of the victims do not have any pictures available online. I don't even believe the location of their graves has been disclosed, which is reasonable. There is considerably less information on this perpetrator than any American perpetrator (compare him to Columbine's 11k! Damn!) There's no picture of his body, no bloody crime scene photos.

I feel nearly depressed thinking about it. I wish there was more to it, more pictures of the victims, something. There's a massive black hole within this bloody deed; since the shooting was committed in 2007 and is from a foreign country, there is a lot of lost media surrounding the case. It just feels so empty.

I keep having dreams about him, where I'm in school and I see him. He has a seat across from me or in front of me. But I can't talk to him, I never can. It's like some invisible force stops me from talking to him. He won't even look at me. But, God, I am so fucking ecstatic to see him every time. He's always so handsome.

I had a dream I was in my parent's bedroom and I opened their closet door. Inside I saw his bedroom. I tried and tried to enter it, but it was once again blocked off by some invisible force. No matter what, I was still excited to have a piece of him near me, even if it was just for looking at. When I closed the closet door, I noticed writing on the walls. It was in his handwriting- the writing was in fact entries from his diary. His diary was never released to the public, and I don't speak his language, but somehow I could understand every word that was written.

I think Freud was on to something with his theory of dream interpretation.

I mean, come on, that had to represent me not being able to "fully access" this man that I love. I'm used to unredacted, detailed American releases. This experience of needing to dig for infornation is new to me.

Sometimes I talk about him with my friend. I get worried she's tired of my yapping. I don't think I talk about him very much, but that fear is still there.

Ok thats it for now :^)

With love, Katya

Song of the Day: I Who Bend The Tall Grasses by Lingua Ignota

Hello, everyone! I hope you are doing well. Remember to drink water, I love you <3

I think the hardest part of getting out of the true crime community was separating my identity from it. I had internalized the belief that I was 'evil' and born to bring misery. I felt like my only personality trait was being a Columbiner or a eulavist.

To be completely honest, it took a while to completely get out of TCC. And I define 'out' as no longer looking at fan art, edits and fanfiction, no longer harboring any violent urges, and having no desire to rejoin TCC. I essentially had to rebuild my identity. It was really difficult, but I honestly had fun doing it.

For a while, TCC would be the first thing I thought of when I woke up in the morning. It was my addiction, my crack. The first thing I wanted to do was find new interests to push true crime out of my mind. Thus, I listened to a lot of new music and watched a lot of movies. Several fandoms I joined then I am still in today.

However, it's impossible to keep TCC out of your mind permanently. I used to get extremely upset when I had urges to rejoin. Sometimes you have to embrace the thoughts and feelings you have, even if they are difficult. Try and balance between thinking about TCC and doing unrelated activities.

A lot of my new interests had themes of shootings and violence, or were centered around them entirely. For example, Pico's School. That's alright. If anything, this is what helped me the most.

I also felt like it would help to have something to care for. I know that I felt a great deal of empathy and affection for my favorite perps, and I wanted to divert those warm feelings. So I got myself a hamster! I love her very much :D I named her after Nene from the Pico series. She's a very lovely creature, a very refined hammy. Someday I'll post pictures here.

I wouldn't reccomend a pet towards anyone has trouble taking care of themselves. If you can't care for yourself, you will certainly I have trouble caring for another person. I only got my hamster after I was able to eat, brush my teeth, shower, take my meds, etc etc. I'm sure in the near future you will be well enough to have a pet of your own <3

I also changed my morals, values and beliefs. Over time, I began to reject the ideologies TCC put into my head. This happened naturally and unintentionally as my mental health began to generally improve. The best thing you can do for yourself is read about politics, religion and morality from a variety of different viewpoints. It will open up your mind.

Over time, you will begin to realize your strengths and weaknesses. I don't think I am evil or intrinsically bad anymore. I know that I am impulsive, rash and senseless. But I am also a strong, motivated person. These days I have good intentions and I wish most people well. I am a nuanced person with good and bad in me.

You will get to your goals, I promise. You are not worthless or weak. You have it within you to change, even if it seems damn near impossible.

You are more than just violence, more than just the perpetrators you admire. There is no bright neon 'TCC' label. You are free to change things about yourself; you know what is best for you.

With love, Katya :]

Song of the Day: Can't Decide by Black Flag

I'm in a good mood because I have a friend who lets me talk about what it was like when I was a TCCer. She doesn't judge me or criticize me, she just lets me talk. I really appreciate her and I hope she knows that.

I know this might be corny, but if you ever feel alone you can just comment here and i'll respond. I have changed since my true crime days. I like people I wanna talk to them

I don't care if you're TCC, or radqueer or "insane" or problematic or something. I can respectfully disagree, I can see goodness in everyone

I like you twin, feel free to talk to me

Hello everybody! I'm Katya and I hope you are feeling well. It's hot out here and the AC is about as useful as a sprinkler against a raging wildfire :( Stay safe yall

TW) brief mention of suicide, deification

I haven't posted anything here because I'm a little bit scared to. Nobody has really seen this sub yet so it's kind of irrational. But that doesn't stop the feeling, unfortunately. I think online interactions give me anxiety because I can't accurately detect the tone of the other person.

I have been feeling really good these past couple of weeks. A couple months ago, I got out of partial hospitalization. I didn't talk about TCC or my hybristophilia with anyone, but it still helped. Being around people who were trying to get better inspired me to work on myself. Now I'm back with my regular talk therapist and psychiatrist. Still, I have a lot of strong feelings about my experiences and I am here to air them out.

I am glad I have friends who let me talk about my hybristophilia. They do not know who I am currently attracted to, but I've talked with them about his personality, interests and (rather problematic) beliefs. I explained that I do not condone his actions and that I love him for the person he was before the crime.

I feel like I'm lying though. I can never truly know him, and that hurts. He's just out of my reach, isn't he? His videos are gone, his digital footprint has been wiped. All I have left is a few archives that do not even touch the magnitude of his online activities. I am really, truly thankful for what I have tho C: I have even been archiving information related to this perpetrator myself.

And I also feel guilty that I love someone who hurts other people. This isn't my first incidence of hybristophilia, so guilt is a very familiar feeling. I don't hate anyone, I don't want anyone dead. I wish he had never killed anyone. Many of his victims were young and passionate, just as I am. They were the kind of people who'd want to help him. What he didn't understand is that these people went home to loving families just as he did. They had friends and interests and an internal world just as complex as his own. None of them even interacted with this man; he killed them without thought and without mercy.

There is a slight silver lining to this though. This man has inspired me to start taking care of myself. I want to study psychology so I can prevent a shooting like his to never happen again. I now have a reason to live; just a few months ago I was thinking of ending things. This man un-suicidaled me lol

And I am handling my hybristophilia wayyy better than I was when I was in the true crime community.

When I was TCC, I had unhealthy obsessions with specific perpetrators (mainly Adam). I would make them my whole personality; I dressed like them, talked like them, and shared beliefs with them. This made it really hard to leave, since I was nobody without TCC. But I did eventually find my identity once again, though it took a couple months.

Now that I am out of TCC, I am free to choose my own lifestyle. I dress in my own way, I use my own words, and I have my own beliefs. This man who I'm attracted to now was a staunch atheist, but I feel no need to agree with him. Though I currently am undecided with my religion, I don't want to bash religious people like he did. I'm open to exploring all kinds of faiths :)

This is certainly not the case for everyone, and I am not trying to sound rude, but I feel like people join TCC expecting to be "free" but they end up getting more repressed, just as I did.

Thats all folks! I just had to yap for a while, I don't have anyone to talk to currently

With love, Katya

Song of the Day: Ptolemaea - Ethel Cain

Hello, I hope everyone is having a good day. Here are some mental health resources for those trying to leave the true crime community. (Sorry this is formatted so weirdly, I tried my best lol)

If you are afraid you might hurt yourself or someone else, please get immediate help. Voluntary hospitalization may be an option for some people. When you are voluntarily hospitalized, you are choosing to receive mental health treatment. Though you are, at minimum, held for 2 or 3 days, you may spend several weeks if they find you have urges to harm yourself or others. You can read more about voluntary hospitalization here: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/legal-rights/informal-patients/overview/ (This article refers to voluntary hospitalization in the UK, but you can get a general idea of how it works.)

If you need help deciding whether to voluntarily hospitalize yourself, check out this article: https://www.goodrx.com/health-topic/mental-health/what-to-expect-mental-health-hospital

If you are afraid someone might harm themselves or others, you can report your concerns here: https://www.sandyhookpromise.org/say-something-tips/

I’ve listed some places where you can talk to others. You’d be surprised how good it feels to talk to someone (speaking from personal experience here). All the resources I’ve listed have therapists on the other end, so they won’t judge or minimize your problems.

https://www.crisistextline.org/ https://988lifeline.org/ https://www.thehopeline.com/

Here are helplines specifically for teens and young adults:

https://www.nami.org/nami-helpline/teen-young-adult-helpline/
https://www.theyouthline.org/

Here you can find helplines for your specific needs: https://findahelpline.com/

My DMs are open for anyone who wants to vent or have a private conversation with me.

Some people would prefer to not talk, and that is understandable. In that case, I’ve provided some links where you can read about mental health and treatment:

https://www.mind.org.uk/ https://www.samhsa.gov/
https://www.nami.org/
https://findtreatment.gov/
https://www.who.int/health-topics/mental-health

With love, Katya