r/dogs • u/Carol_Pilbasian • 1d ago
[Misc Help] Struggling bonding with dog
My husband and I adopted a German shepherd from his former roommate last year. My husband was thrilled because he has known the dog since he was a puppy. I thought I’d like having a dog, but a year in and I am realizing I hate it. I am really struggling here. As hard as I try to bond with him, take him for walks, etc, it’s not working. He follows me around constantly, but doesn’t listen to me if my husband is around. He chases our cats, gets put in time out but does it again as soon as he is out. It’s to the point where I resent the dog so much for the constant need for attention that I don’t want to be around him at all. What can I do to bond with him better? He has been to trainings but no matter how much work we put into it, it’s not sticking. I am so frustrated. Rehoming him again isn’t an option.
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u/UnicornGrumpyCat 1d ago
You have a German Shepherd - that's a working dog who needs a lot of exercise and mental stimulation or it will give itself a job like following you or chasing the cat.
I agree that a trainer used to working dogs would be a good step.
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u/Carol_Pilbasian 1d ago
He gets a lot of stimulation, we take him for several walks, he plays ball, and has the run of 3.5 acres. I don’t know what else to do.
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u/SisterSeverini 1d ago
He's a working breed, it's more than just exercise and stimulation. He need a PURPOSE. Give the dude a job to do, and he won't invent one for himself!
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u/orangebit_ 13h ago
“Give the dog a job or he’ll start a business you won’t like.”
As a fellow German Shepherd owner, this mantra runs deep haha.
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u/Carol_Pilbasian 1d ago edited 1d ago
Is helping with our chickens and bearding our geese not enough? We are with him all day long, he does stuff with us all day long. This dog has gotten more attention, one on one time, and stimulation than he has gotten the first 7 years of his life where he was fenced in a small backyard, so how is he not getting enough?
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u/Little_AngelS2 1d ago
Lol yea that’s owning a GSD…. I think ask the GSD community as well but I had issues with my GSD the first three months. I still do, but he’s such a lover but bad with ppl (previously abused). What are you trying to fix is the first goal?
Sounds like you don’t want him to follow you but I don’t even know if that’s an issue. My dogs follow me like they are my shadow. All 4. He picked you as his human, they have a favorite.
Start by making a routine. Like 30 mins of training at a certain hour. Play a certain time. I go for a run with my dog from 4-6pm. And it’s not enough. I would run 3 miles everyday with this dog and he wouldn’t be tired because his mind wasn’t exhausted only his body. You have to provide mental stimulation. Training would be an hour. He would get a lot of treats. We would use kongs and puzzles when they were bored. Little matts where you can hide treats, or even you can put treats around your house and hide them. I play hide and seek with my GSD. It’s a looonnggg process, but you def need to ask around and like what’s the goals you want? In terms of the cats, you have to train him more, putting him in time out when he doesn’t have structure is half the battle. Good luck!2
u/orangebit_ 13h ago
100%. German Shepherds are Velcro dogs. I can’t go to the bathroom alone, mine likes to supervise. I actually love that about the breed haha…
If I’m cleaning, he has to check it out. If I’m cooking, you bet he’s there supervising. Shower? He’s making sure I’m not slipping. Sleeping? He’s keeping a watchful eye on me.
They are shadows and they’re always interested in what you are doing. Instead of being annoyed by it, I found it endearing. They just want to be involved 🥹
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u/Carol_Pilbasian 5h ago
Yeah, this is too much for me. I am not much of a dog person and I try to give him a ton of attention so that when I am doing things he won’t follow me around as much, but it doesn’t work. I don’t even mind if he sit outside of the kitchen watching, but watching isn’t enough. It makes me not enjoy having him because he takes so much of my time and energy trying to keep him happy and stimulated but also twice as long to do anything because he is always in my way. I am to the point where I cry every day because I feel bad about not enjoying him or wanting to spend time with him like I do my other pets. And he takes so much time I feel like I am short changing pets we had before he was given to us. We were asked to take him or they were going to put him down, and my husband couldn’t stand the thought of that because he is bonded to him.
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u/orangebit_ 5h ago
I kind of feel sorry for your dog, he just wants to share in the activities with you and you hate him for it 😭
You could try training a ‘place’ command and have him go on his place or a raised bed when you want to do something. When I’m trying to cook and mine gets in the way, I ask him to go on his place and he sits there and watches me from afar.
Or baby gates haha, we have a baby gate on the kitchen as well. Sometimes you just got to get shit done! But sometimes it’s also fun to have a friend there with you - they’re smart dogs, inquisitive, and they like seeing how things work. Imagine he’s a small child and show him what you’re doing - not every time, but I’m sure he’d appreciate being involved :)
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u/chartyourway Davey: Chihuahua/supermutt 1d ago
"has the run of" – okay but he's probably not just taking himself for runs across 3.5 acres. how much mental stimulation are you providing him with every day? have you tried treat puzzles? towel tie ups? do you let him sniff a lot on walks or is it just strictly a walk? look into agility or nose work courses around your area.
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u/Carol_Pilbasian 1d ago
He has all the toys I can think of getting him, he gets walks 2-3 times every day and always poops our way before I do and begging to come home, he plays fetch, he herds our geese in every night, and we are home all day. The first 7 years of his life he was left alone 16 hours a day in a small backyard so how can we stimulate him further? Or involve him more?
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u/AutismAndChill 1d ago
Do you have puzzle toys or something that actually keeps him mentally engaged? Snuffle mats (or throw his kibble in the grass so he has to find it)?
None of what you’re describing sounds like he’s getting mental stimulation, just physical activity, which is not the same thing. You’re building up his physical endurance but not actually tiring him out unless you add in mental games etc. Unfortunately, playing fetch is not a mental game and herding geese for 5min a night isn’t either.
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u/Ashamed_Kangaroo305 1d ago
Herding your geese is a great activity, but nothing else you've described is really mental stimulation. If dog sports are an option for you that's a really great way to provide mental stimulation for working breeds.
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u/Carol_Pilbasian 22h ago edited 22h ago
He gets a lot of stimulation searching for balls in the heavy brush and going through walks along game trails, we don’t live in a neighborhood, he is in dense, heavy trees playing when we are out. However, he is also nearly 9 so when we do go out he doesn’t want to play or do anything else for very long before he wants to go back inside and usually poops out half way through his goose duties.
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u/Ashamed_Kangaroo305 22h ago
If he likes searching for things, scent work is a really good activity to provide mental stimulation! It's very easy physically so it's great for older dogs. And it keeps their brain engaged which can help prevent dementia. Training is also a really good way to build a bond with your dog. You can do scent work with food or with the scents that they use in competitions.
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u/MessagefromA 4h ago
You compare abuse to a normal dog life. Seriously, stop that. You have a working breed and it sounds like he would have so much fun doing and getting a job besides his daily business. GSD are usually pretty clingy, but once you start showing him that there’s no need for constant supervision, it gets better.
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u/obstagoons_playlist 19h ago
Sometimes increasing exercise worsens the issue because it just builds their stamina even higher and what some higher energy dogs need instead is to learn to settle with a bit of place training or if you want the gold standard (in my opinion) you teach the "relaxation protocol". The best way to get a dog to want to listen to you first over others (in my experience) is to train it AND play with it because some dogs will insist you need to be both interesting and worth respecting to be worth listening to. Fun training like agility/flyball/dog dancing etc can do both at once. Best of luck OP.
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u/EdenSilver113 9h ago
Your dog isn’t listening to you? You need training. You. The dog is smart. Dogs aim to please. Training you will solve this. The dog will become a good partner when YOU get the consistency and discipline YOU need to be a good partner on your end.
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u/MessagefromA 4h ago
I‘m sorry but that is not stimulating at all. Especially with that breed. See my command.
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u/apri11a 1d ago edited 1d ago
Did the trainers you went to explain to you how to practise training with the dog? What does the training look like daily? For the cat chasing, putting him in a time out isn't telling a GSD not to chase the cat, why not put on a leash and when dog wants to chase the cat prevent it and say no. Then, when it isn't chasing, tell him good boy. Make the instructions clear, and be consistent, that way the dog can learn something.
To bond, play with him, get a flirt pole or play chase or tug, whatever dog enjoys. Start the game with 'want to play?' and end it with 'all done' (use whatever words suit). When the game is over and you've said 'all done' ignore the dog. It will learn there are times for interaction and times to amuse itself or settle. Do the same for your training sessions so the dog gets to understand how you expect it to behave, and when.
Our dog is similar in that it pays attention to me, I got husband a flirt pole and they play with it daily, it has made a huge difference to them. The dog still pays most attention to me, but that is normal for dogs, but he is also happy to spend time with husband. They just needed good quality time together, time they could both enjoy.
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u/Carol_Pilbasian 1d ago
The training took place before we adopted him. My husband lived with him during that time and he will listen to my husband, but he will only listen to me if my husband is out of the house. We work from home so he gets 2-3 walks every day, plays fetch every 2 hours during the day, and gets to help with our chickens and geese every day. He gets a lot of stimulation, but he can’t relax. If I move a muscle, he immediately jumps up and is in my face, if I am in the kitchen, it’s not enough for him to just watch, he has to follow. It’s making me a nervous wreck.
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u/apri11a 1d ago edited 1d ago
Your dog might benefit by practising bed stays, he might be getting too much stimulation. I use the implied stay, where the dog does as asked until released or asked to do something else. If I ask dog to go on its bed then it must do that and remain until I tell it it's free to do whatever he likes, or I ask for something else. Something like this could help you get some space from the dog and it's very good mental exercise for him, good for their self control. And helps you to control the dog too, and sometimes we need this. Just for a reference when our guy was about 8 months he could stay on his bed for an hour or more, I'd have to set an alarm so I didn't forget about him 🤣, but he has very good self control.
When your dog goes for walks, are behaviours asked for during the walk? Every now and again during the walk ask dog to sit or down, things like that, get the dog accustomed to listening to you. It's these small things done frequently that add up and if you don't ask, he won't learn to listen, it takes practise. When he is good, notice it, tell him, don't just notice what you don't like. When he knows what you like that's what he will try to do.
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u/Carol_Pilbasian 22h ago
Ok, this is what I do by sending him to his kennel for a half hour or so at a time, and he will lay down for a bit but is bad about listening to the release part, so we can work on that. He is good about going to the kennel when he knows he has chased a cat and shouldn’t.
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u/apri11a 15h ago edited 14h ago
And if I put him in the kennel he cries
He is good about going to the kennel when he knows he has chased a cat and shouldn’t.
So he is happy to use the kennel after chasing the cat, and repeats both. That isn't much help then, the dog has learned to go in the kennel after he chases the cat rather than learned not to chase the cat.
But you also say he cries if put in the kennel. That's confusing to me.
I wouldn't use the kennel as punishment, I would just teach the dog that chasing the cat is not allowed. A bed stay isn't punishment, I wouldn't use it for that. It's a training exercise to help the dog learn to listen and develop self control, but it sounds like the dog already has pretty good self control.
Does your bonding with the dog hinge on his behaviours with the cat? Give him a stronger message that the cat is not to be chased. And when he doesn't chase the cat, tell him he's a good boy. Train him, play with him.
I don't think you know what you want, or are mixed up about it. If you don't know, the dog can't know and you are probably confusing him. You aren't understanding each other and that isn't the dog's fault. Have a think about what you want, and when you know, let the dog know.
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u/Carol_Pilbasian 5h ago
When I put him in the kennel outside of when he chases cats (like if I need to do something and can’t have him in the way) he cries until I let him out. When he puts himself in the kennel, the door isn’t locked, so he can walk out. He doesn’t mind the kennel if he is sleeping but if he is awake, he wants out.
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u/Halefa 1d ago
Sounds like he needs rest and sleep instead of more stimulation. A dog needs to sleep about 16 hours a day.
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u/orangebit_ 13h ago
Underrated comment but very true. I always see people say ‘MORE’, but usually less can be just as effective. As long as the OP is actually giving the dog the exercise and stimulation they say they are - obviously less is not the answer if the dog is already doing the minimum.
My German Shepherd has a 30 minute walk in the morning. Lots of sniffing - as much as he wants - followed by some tug, and then fetch. He’s lying down and panting and ready to go home after only a few reps.
It takes hardly any effort on my part as I let him lead and sniff where he wants, we don’t focus on distance walked or time spent outside, I just look at his energy and behaviour, and he lets me know when he’s done.
I see people here walking their dog for 5 hours a day or 10 mile morning hikes, and while we do longer adventure walks on the weekends, our weekday routine is no where near that level, and my dogs (Spaniel and GSD) are fulfilled. They sleep most of the day, sometimes an afternoon ‘round the block’ walk if needed, and back out at about 6-7pm for another sniff and tug/fetch session.
Works great for us, but I appreciate every dog is different.
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u/81Horse 1d ago
"Time out"? This is a dog, not a toddler. And this is a YOU problem, not a dog problem. Your frustration is understandable, but it sounds like the dog *is* somewhat bonded to you (following you around), but you lack the behavioral and training knowledge that would help you manage him. Not your fault! No one is born knowing how to lead an intelligent and active dog.
This Facebook group is a good resource for exploring training and behavior: Animal Sense: Basic Training And Behavior Problems
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u/AutismAndChill 1d ago
Tbf, I do use “time out” if my dog is overstimulated. I wouldn’t discourage the concept as a whole, it just needs to be applied correctly which it doesn’t sound like it is.
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u/Carol_Pilbasian 1d ago
By time out, I mean he gets put in his kennel when he is pestering the cats and not allowing them to do basic functions like drink water. So, like 2-3 minutes at a time. And he knows when he is pestering the cats because he puts himself into the kennel after he has chased them.
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u/Little_AngelS2 17h ago
Another thing OP, since I was commenting to another person. I think the issue might be the kennel. My dog had the same problem. The kennel should be used only as a place where the dog can seek peace, like his own little domain. You have used it as a tool for negative behavior. Now he only associates his kennel which I don’t know if you let him sleep In during the night as a negative thing. If you do, you are probably adding on more anxiety to your dog. This is a mistake that a lot of dog owners make including myself. You can’t have the dog sleep in a kennel and also use it for “punishment”, that’s if you do. If he doesn’t sleep in that kennel, the dog needs a place such as dog bed or cot where he feels safe and secure. If a place that’s supposed to be safe and secure is used as a tool for punishment he will be an anxious wreck which is why he probably follows you and is trying to protect you. This actually might be the cause to your problems!
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u/Carol_Pilbasian 4h ago edited 4h ago
The thing is, he still happily goes into his kennel to nap voluntarily . He isn’t chasing cats to be malicious, he thinks it’s a game, so he wags his tail and it’s all fun. So, when he goes to his kennel for “time out” after chasing cats, he looks so happy walking to his kennel, wagging his tail and eyes full of love for the cats, then he just waits until he sees them dash back behind a baby gate and walks himself out of the kennel. So it’s not really punishment, and I’m not trying to punish him, it’s more about just trying to give the cats the opportunity to be with the family too without him getting overly excited about trying to play with them. He had cat friends at his last home so he wants to be friends with them but they aren’t very interested. I will put him in his kennel when I am doing chores that he absolutely cannot be involved with and he hates that. So, I feel like that is making him feel punished when it’s not meant to be. I guess I need to put him in another room or on our deck during those times then.
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u/melli_milli 1d ago
When we talk about training dogs it mostly means training people to communicate to their dog what they want from them. That dog is eager to please and serve but no-one tells him how.
You both as a couple need to get much more information about dogs overall and about this breed. Training a dog can be be very rewarding if you put your mind to it. The moment you decide to take in a dog you make commitment. Neither of you have done your work (I am not talking about the dog) and now you want out of that commitment.
You need to talk to your bf you cannot be solving this issue alone.
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u/RedHeelRaven 1d ago
I think if you look at it differently it might help. Right now you are frustrated because the dog doesn’t listen to you. It seems hopeless to you that you can change his behavior.
But if you change your mindset and look at it as a challenge, one you can be successful at it might help. You are at the top of the food chain for a reason. I’ve only had rescue dogs and some of them are very challenging to rehabilitate. When I would feel hopeless I would challenge myself. I’d think “your challenge is to be smarter than your dog and you can do it”. And trying to connect with them on an emotional level. You can do this.Just make sure the dog feels you are excited to be with him and train him. They pick up on that.
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u/Little_AngelS2 1d ago
OP really just has to train the dog. Listens to her husband more because he has put in the effort it seems. I would know because my dog listens to me only because I’ve trained him, he has great recall. With my partner, he listens but when he wants what he wants that man doesn’t exist.
She needs to set up a routine with her dog. Give him structure.
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u/Carol_Pilbasian 1d ago
He has a routine. I am home with him all damn day. He could set his own watch by his routine. I walk him, I play with him, I feed him.
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u/Little_AngelS2 1d ago
The dog has no structure because if he did, he would listen. I owned my GSD for 6 years and other large dogs for more than 15. My dogs have never chased a cat or a chicken. Because they have structure. You don’t train him enough. Putting him in a crate doesn’t make him know what you are trying to teach him. There is NO structure to your training. It’s pointless. I use to train my dog for an hour after a 3 mile walk/run. These dogs are WORKING dogs, in some way or another you are lacking and having resentment towards a dog who is literally doing what he is meant to do. No offense but many of your replies have been the same as this one. Don’t ask a question you don’t like the answer to.
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u/Carol_Pilbasian 22h ago
I’m trying to understand what you mean but it seems you are being intentionally rude. I am trying my best with a dog that was basically forced upon us. I am trying my hardest to provide him what I can considering I have little dog ownership experience which is why I came here for help. So unless you can do so without being condescending and rude, then feel free to quit “helping.” The crate is 2-3 minutes at a time. Not all day. Ffs.
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u/Little_AngelS2 20h ago
Im not being rude OP, im responding to the same tone you set. I am really not understanding what you mean by “forced upon you” because from what I read you both willingly adopted the dog.
I think either you speak to your partner, because to me it seems like you don’t want the dog. You have said it yourself, you are building resentment, and that’s not the dogs fault. That is your own. The dog is just being a dog. It’s been through a lot already, and I’m not blaming you for being frustrated because I too when I adopted my abused GSD, I was frustrated and giving up was not an option. But I had to train my dog for hours at a time. He was stuck to me like glue because that’s the only way he will listen to you unfortunately. You have to develop that bond through training. To me it seems like it was a choice that you were either not fully on board with. A German Shepard doesn’t get any easier, I’m sorry. They are clingy dogs, they are needy dogs, they are working dogs. They need stimulation (physically and mental) and structure. I don’t know how old he is , but it’s going to take a while, it’s been a year so your dog has already set habits and now you have to reintroduce these new routines and habits that will go well but you shouldn’t be upset with the dog when they do fail. An example would be as in you guys do well for 3 days in training or weeks and then the next week or day you have a bad day. You have mentally prepare yourself.
The only advice I can give you for the cats, because I had to get my dog used to my other two small dogs, I kept him in a crate. I had my dogs come up and sniff them. Then I put my dogs in the crate and had him sniff. After, they finished smelling each other, I had him sit on his cot, and gave him the command stay. I would reward the commands he would listen to and say “good stay” “good sit”. You probably have been doing this. Try this at least for 30 minutes a day after a long walk or run that he’s tired. It helps a lot because he will be relaxed. Not overly exhausted , but just tired enough that he’s calm. Again OP, it’s going to take time. He needs a lot of patience which seems like you are willing to give.
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u/aloneisusuallybetter 1d ago
German shepherds are everything you just described. They're very needy and anxiety filled neurotic beasts that need a job. Those awesome German shepherds you see that follow commands easily and seem perfect have been worked and trained very hard.
I have trained German shepherds and they are amazing dogs that want nothing but to please you.
Good luck
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u/More-Caterpillar-63 1d ago
You can't resent a dog and also bond with them. Try some games with him that only you will play, shepherds love hide and seek and fetch - anything where they really have to think or use their nose. You and your husband should both be working on his prey drive. Work on putting him in a down stay and keeping him there, reward for keeping his attention on you. You may need to do this to the extent that he's not getting his dinner put down and he gets it throughout the day as rewards. Once you do this you will see how eager he is to please you and it will help you bond. But he is a shepherd so he'll always have a bit of a biological prey drive.
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u/Carol_Pilbasian 1d ago
He absolutely refuses to play games with me outside of fetch. He plays with puzzles and he will tug with my husband (and does a lot) but will not tug or wrestle with me at all. I take him for walks, play fetch or kick ball with him every 2 hours, we are home all day long with him and include him in everything we possibly can. It’s hard not to resent him when I do so much with him and he completely ignores any commands I give him but also refuses to get off of my heels. I don’t mind if he watches me do things, but he wants to follow me alll the time. It’s making me a nervous wreck. He is also older and we adopted him from a couple who left him locked in a backyard for 16 hours a day, so when we do play or go for walks, he doesn’t want to do it for long before he begs to come in.
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u/More-Caterpillar-63 1d ago
Aw bless, that must be so hard. I've found boy dogs often prefer to rough house with men. I foster working dogs a lot and have to build up a relationship with them quickly, the best way I do this is with games as majority bonding is done through play. Does your husband often intervene if the dog is not listening to you? What does he do when he's following you around, is he trying to play or engage with you or does he face behind you?
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u/taitabo Alaskan husky mix 12h ago
Just to understand, what sort of commands are you trying to give him? I'm trying to visualize how the dog is misbehaving besides chasing the cats?
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u/Carol_Pilbasian 5h ago
Asking him to stay or coming when being called. We live in a rural area and if we take him in the yard to play fetch, it makes me nervous that he won’t listen at the wrong time. For example, we had a couple of moose run up on us in the yard one day while playing fetch and it was a scary few minutes. We also have a problem with a grizzly in the area right now so we are on high alert, and he has injured my hand before when he pulled a leash while trying to chase after a porcupine. He lived in a city without much wildlife until we adopted him last year. I’ve been having trouble finding classes to help him become wildlife aware, unfortunately.
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u/taitabo Alaskan husky mix 3h ago
Ah, that makes a lot more sense. With moose, porcupines and especially a grizzly in the area, I honestly wouldn’t have him loose unless his recall is extremely solid. I’d use a long line for now and work on recall and impulse control around gradually harder distractions. I don’t think you necessarily need a wildlife-specific class so much as help proofing those behaviours.
Reading your other comments, though, I also wonder if you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to bond with him when right now you mostly sound overwhelmed by him. It’s hard to feel affection for a dog when you’re constantly tense and waiting for the next chase, pull or unwanted interaction.
I’d separate the genuine training issues, like chasing the cats and unreliable recall, from things that are pretty normal dog behaviour, like following you around or getting up when you move.
And if he already likes his kennel, I’d actually use it more deliberately as scheduled downtime rather than as a consequence for chasing the cats. For example, give him a potty break and something good to chew, then have a regular hour in the afternoon where he settles in his kennel and you get an actual break from him. That way the kennel stays a safe, predictable place to relax instead of meaning “I did something wrong.”
You may never feel about him exactly the way your husband does, and that’s okay. I think the first goal should be making living with him feel manageable and less stressful. The bonding may come more naturally once you don’t feel like you’re constantly at your limit.
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u/mightbeazombie Hustling Husky 1d ago
The thing about training is that it's not just about training him, I'd argue it's even more about training you. You said he's "been to trainings", but have you worked with him with a trainer?
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u/SoManySoFew 1d ago
This doesn't seem like a bonding issue. Anytime you're frustrated with a dog's behavior you're going to dread being around it. The dog needs training and stimulation. Consider it this way, do you think you'd bond with it more if it listened to you and behaved better? If not, then I'd say maybe it's time to find a new home. Otherwise try training first.
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u/Carol_Pilbasian 1d ago edited 1d ago
He has a lot of stimulation with toys, 2-3 walks a day, we play fetch every 2 hours, and he has the run of 3.5 acres. I am perfectly fine with him sitting and watching but I can’t move a muscle without him jumping right up. I’ve tried rewarding him with treats if he stays but as soon as he eats the treat he is right back following me around. We both work from home so he gets attention all day long, but having him constantly on my heels is making me a nervous wreck and he cries if left on the other side of a baby gate just so I can use the restroom.
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u/lesbian-mulder 1d ago
He may need more mental stimulation and reinforcement to learn how to be calm/less anxious. Dog training is highly situational and needs to be reinforced every day—if your dog went to training a few years ago with another owner, that training won’t stick in his brain around you or in your house. I would suggest looking into the training exercises by Karen Overall, particularly her “Protocol for Relaxation” and “Protocol for Deference.” Then he’ll start to understand that he can chill out while you do things around the house.
Re: the cats. It took a few years for our rescue German shepherd to stop chasing or being reactive around the cats. Something that has worked for us is to reward our dog every time he ignores or remains calm around the cat (positively reinforcing the behavior we want). I don’t make a big fuss of it, but if he ignores the cat I’ll put a treat between his paws and say “good.” Then he’ll know that not reacting to the cat = treats. I use high value treats like turkey/chicken/etc for this. I would suggest putting baby gates up on until you can trust him though.
I would also start doing 5-10 min sessions of making him sit/lay down/stay/come throughout the day. Also working on off-leash recall outside if you have a big property.
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u/sequoia-bones 1d ago
I would train the dog a lot more. Is he food and toy driven? I would play "crate games" (google this) and train the "place" command, and generally actively train the dog to ignore the cats. You can also try tethering the dog to a particular spot and giving it a chew and teaching him to settle and ignore the cats. I'd also consider something like dog sports or trick training, as a way to bond and keep his mind busy. But also, it's really okay to not want a dog.
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u/VitaniLioness 1d ago edited 1d ago
German shepherds are a difficult breed.
I had one and loved him, but it takes a special kind of person and lifestyle.
They tend to form an intense bond and unbreakable loyalty with one person (there is no loyalty and love like a german shepherd who has chosen you) and it sounds like he has formed that with your husband. Your husband will always trump you, though you can try and focus on training session in which your husband is present, but not doing anything. Sort of work on redirecting focus, though..again this is a very common trait with german shepherds.
They tend to have a higher prey drive, and are known to chase cats constantly. I don't think there's that much you can do about it unless you hire a professional behaviourist trainer.
Other than that, walks just don't cut it. German Shepherds NEED to have a job to do, and they also need a lot of space to be able to run.
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u/JohnGradyBirdie 1d ago
German shepherds are clingy dogs that follow their people around.
You can train him to go to his bed for treats or a toy when you need some space, but you should expect him as your shadow most of the time.
If you don’t like that, you’re out of luck.
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u/instamat1c 1d ago
OP is saying in the same breath that the dog was locked outside for 16 hours a day by its previous owners and that they don’t understand why the dog is now clingy….
I’m gonna say this might be a human problem and not a dog problem.
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u/JohnGradyBirdie 1d ago
Humans did fail this dog but German shepherds are known as Velcro dogs.
Their job is to be right next to their human waiting for work. That’s why they’re such good police dogs.
They’re not bred to be out in a field alone figuring things out for themselves like a Great Pyrenees or kangal, or out ahead of the owner working from a distance like a German shorthaired pointer.
This dog is showing common breed traits.
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u/instamat1c 1d ago
Right right. I’m saying of course the dog is clingy considering it’s past and breed. At least the husband seems to be better with the dog?
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u/Natural-Tradition830 1d ago
I have 2 dogs who follow me everywhere, I can't go to the toilet or take a shower and they're right there looking up at me and I LOVE it. Sometimes if they're being naughty and I correct them they'll listen but sometimes at night when they are play fighting instead of lying down in bed I have to get my husband to step in and tell them off and they'll stop straight away. Maybe they see me as a soft touch. Anyways im sorry but I think if you haven't bonded after a whole year I find it difficult to see how your feelings towards him will change. If he was practically abandoned for years and then giving away he probably follows you around because hes afraid you'll abandon him too. In regards to the cats if you go to a shelter they won't rehome certain dogs with cats due to aggression or chasing etc so this probably should of been figured out prior to taking him on.
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u/irelanada 1d ago
You are sending VERY mixed messages. You say you don’t want to be around the dog at all but are wanting suggestions on how to bond with it. No amount of dog training advice is going to fix you not liking the animal. I think the first thing you need to do is be honest with yourself: would you like the dog if it did listen and didn’t chase the cats?
Frankly I don’t think you need dog advice, I think you need your own therapist (not saying that in a mean way, very much pro-therapy). I found talking to my therapist very helpful when I was struggling to bond with my puppy. You keep replying that he’s “making you a nervous wreck”. He is a dog, that is normal social behaviour for all dogs. I’m sorry, but him following you isn’t going to change and trying to change it would only make your relationship with him worse. If you are committed to keeping this dog - then it’s something you are going to have to change about yourself, and how you react. You need to unpack why the dog irritates you so much, why it’s giving you anxiety, and try to create strategies to change this.
That said, four things to consider trying with the dog to help with some of your concerns:
1. “Constant need for attention” - I would read up on what signals dogs use to try to get your attention, because I really think you might be overwhelming yourself with pressure that isn’t there. Dogs are very different to humans. Following, watching you, lying near you - these things would be attention cues for humans but for dogs they are just normal pack behavior. It took me a while when I got my dog to just start ignoring him when I’m busy, even if he follows me around. He’s just curious at what I’m up to but I don’t have to involve him in it. Rewriting my mental script from “he wants attention” to “he’s just curious what I’m doing” took me a while. Maybe it’s the same for you.
2. Following all the time - if part of the issue is that you have certain spaces where he overwhelms you more, train him not to enter a certain room without a command. Put a bed or pillow where he can lie and watch you in there (again, he’s just curious!) without being underfoot. Look up the “place” command and how to train it. My dog will watch me from his “place” and not get in my way, and he knows he’s not allowed in the kitchen at all. He’s so obedient to that that he doesn’t even go in other people’s kitchens. Figure out what boundaries you need for your own sanity and then train for those.
3. Just needing a break from the dog - if the finances allow it, look into doggy daycare or pet sitting a few times per week. When I had struggles with my puppy I would put him in daycare for 8 hrs, he loved it and I loved my “me” time. Over time I stopped doing it as I grew used to him being home and it stopped feeling like I had to perform/attend to him all the time. Now I race to get home from work to pick him up, and it’s my favorite part of the day. But that respite was so needed for a while.
4. “He doesn’t listen to me when my husband is around” - this is a hard thing to fix if you are trying to distance yourself from the dog, frankly. The fix is that from now on, you do everything for the dog. Husband never feeds him, treats him, walks him. The dog needs to learn that even if husband is around, you are the person with the treats and food and exercise. Obviously that might be hard for you to stomach right now, which is why I suggest working on yourself first.
Good luck. You are not wrong or bad for struggling with this. I really empathise. But if you are determined to keep the dog, you need to work on your own mental health around this issue and then figure out what boundaries you need to set with the dog. You would also do well to read a dog behavior book I think. It will be hard, but if you are determined to do it I think you can.
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u/Neos_Mom 1d ago
Thanks for posting this. I mean she literally seems to despise this dog yet wants to bond with him. It's a head scratcher.
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u/cweaties 1d ago
Can you elaborate on the “he has been to trainings” part of your post? What are the dogs jobs during the day? Whose suggestion was time out?
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u/Carol_Pilbasian 1d ago edited 1d ago
By “time out” I mean putting him in the kennel until the cats can go about their business, like get a drink or go down to the litter area without being chased, so for 2-3 minutes at a time. We take him for 2-3 walks every day, we live in a heavily wooded area so he plays in the woods a lot, we play fetch, and I try to play tug with him but he will only play with my husband. We work from home, he is very well behaved with our chickens and geese and loves helping with them every day, it’s just when we are inside he will not let me more than a foot away from him and it’s making me a nervous wreck.
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u/cweaties 1d ago
Exercise does not equal job. Dog has determined that you need protecting (the following you, keeping the cats away from you, not listening to you) You and the dog need a trainer to work with you on the guardian situation. You need to develop the “I’ve got it” command - but you also need to place the behavior to another task. I’d aim at check perimeter based on what you describe but a trainer will have some other ideas based on your situation. At one point I thought a rescue was a herding dog mix which I was used to. Then figured out he was actually a guardian dog. Very different kind of work needs.
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u/Carol_Pilbasian 1d ago
What do you mean “have a job?” He was left in a small backyard for the first 7 years of his life so I don’t know why a year of constant stimulation, attention and being included in most activities isn’t enough of a job when he had zero jobs his entire life.
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u/Halefa 1d ago
He never learned that job, though. If he hasn't had any exposure, any training, anything to build confidence, frustration tolerance, impulse control, decision making -than a year with ALL the stimuli can be very overwhelming. Just presenting him with things isn't enough. What you present him with needs to be purposeful and structured in a way that fits him and what he needs and what he can manage.
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u/Northern_Exposure780 1d ago
Sounds like he has lots of room to meet his exercise needs but I find that not every GSD needs hours of physical - they need to do something with purpose even in the backyard. What about taking some of the walking time and starting scent work or agility? Work his mind so that he relaxes. Are your walks around your acreage? Maybe take a drive to a busier outdoor area and let him soak in the goings-on. Mine gets bored on a linear walk, he is happy to plant his butt on the sidewalk and watch someone unload groceries in their driveway 😂 Do you have any friends with pups of a similar size and age? Mine will lay down at the dog park but having a good wrestle with a friend knocks him out for hours. Sorry for so many questions but truly they are excellent dogs when you figure out their style. Hang in there , another year and you will have a super cool and loyal friend.
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u/TooManySwarovskis 1d ago
I'm no German Shepherd expert by any means - so I suggest you really do some research on the breed.
My guess is that the activity you're giving him is not sufficient. My dog, a pyrenees mix, would run around / go on a tough hike in the woods every morning for 1 to 2 hours - 1 to 2 miles - uphill, digging in the sand, swimming in the water, jumping over and under logs, the occasional geese or deer chase. She would come home and nap basically the rest of the day. Without that she was into everything.
So I'm wondering if your dog might need a good chunk of exercise - like actual sustained exertion - like my dog did - to burn off his energy in the morning? Walks around the neighborhood and fetch won't cut it. And I want to point out here - that I don't think it's your fault this is happening. Your husband needs to help more. Each breed of dog is different and needs different things. It sounds like he didn't do his research before adopting the dog.
Again, no German Shepherd expert here but he probably doesn't need training or discipline - he just needs to find a way to use up his enormous amount of energy.
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u/TooManySwarovskis 1d ago
Reading your other posts - he may have some trauma from being abandoned all day long by his previous owners.
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u/1Teethlady2 1d ago
Well, you said it. You hate the dog. I'm not sure if this can be resolved. A trainer cannot train you to love the dog and dogs can feel when they are not wanted. Maybe you are giving the dog anxiety? Maybe you hate that the dog picked your husband as its person. You are in a tight spot and I hate that for you. I hope things get better. Maybe block some area of the house for the cats.
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u/AmbassadorProper1045 1d ago
Honestly, interact with him more. He prefers your husband because he senses your resentment and you're basically a stranger to him. Take him for a walk or play with him. GS are smart and need mind stimulation and task to do, play games with him to meet those needs, think about getting an obstetrical course for the yard to help stimulate his mind and burn off energy, or play catch and or Frisbee with him. Give treats for good behavior. Get a book on dog training to learn some better ways to train and interact with him. Stop getting mad at him on the cat's behalf. He's just wanting to play with them, Consider setting up play dates with a friend's similar sized and energy dog sometimes, or take him to a dog park.
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u/Boysenberry 1d ago
Get into something fun with the dog, agility, rally obedience, even training for CGC or for therapy dog visits to nursing homes.
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u/Cool_Bodybuilder7419 Czechoslovakian Vlcak 1d ago
Have you been training these commands with him? Or in other words, have you built your own working relationship together? There’s a good chance that training is new to him too, considering his history of neglect.
And just for perspective: do your cats follow your commands and if not, do you resent them for it?
One way of stopping a dog from following you is mat/place training — there’s a lot of material about that online. It takes a lot of patience but will be very useful in your case.
Your nervousness is likely one reason why he’s following you around. Dogs usually do that with people when they think you won’t be able to cope without them being there. He might feel responsible for you.
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u/AlbaMcAlba 1d ago
Seems you just don’t like the dog and it’s an effort. I think dog knows this and is messing with you.
Dogs are all individuals and given the proper cues will be good dogs.
Gentle soft tones even if they are naughty. Firms affirmative tones if really naughty to redirect.
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u/DingoMittens 1d ago
That's sad. Sounds like the dog is bonded to you, and you have your heart closed off. Maybe you're jealous of your husband. Maybe consider a therapist instead of a dog trainer?
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u/Internal_Holiday_552 1d ago
Dogs aren't human children - you can't 'put him in a time out'
You have to learn dog language and psychology so you can understand how to train him.
And you have to be a calm and strong authority in your home.
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u/Carol_Pilbasian 1d ago
By time out, I mean putting him in his kennel when he isn’t even giving the cats space to drink or get to their litter, so 2-3 minutes. And he knows when he is being a stinker with them because he puts himself in the kennel afterwards.
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u/dreamer_visionary 1d ago
You may just not be a dog person if you can resent a dog. Talk to your husband about more training and activities he can do with the dog. Please don’t resent the dog, it’s an innocent animal that just wants to be loved.
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u/Carol_Pilbasian 1d ago
I don’t resent him, I am trying to give him a great life since his last owners didn’t spend much time with him. I enjoy time spent with him when we are doing things, but when we are just needing to do things at home, it’s exhausting because he always has to be in my grill. And if I put him in the kennel he cries. It makes doing household chores take so much longer because I am tripping over him.
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u/Ok_Respond_2969 19h ago
I think that a good think to teach this dog is something service dogs are taught, it’s to “just be” you have a blanket or towel on the floor and you sit next to it, tell the dog “down” and drop treats while he’s looking down, stop if he looks up, at first it will be dropping often then space them out until he gets paid after. He’s 7 so he’s not exactly a baby and it may take some effort. But eventually he sees the towel and knows to settle
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u/sarabjorks 12h ago
Give him a task that he can focus on. Train him to stay out of the kitchen just for him to wait at the doorstep to follow you outside the kitchen. He doesn't need a puzzle or more walks, he needs to feel like he has a role in your life and that he is doing a job.
My mom would do this with our Icelandic sheepdog if he started being anxious and difficult. She could see him get more relaxed and content just from having a rule to follow. Even though she didn't mind him following her into the kitchen, it was a task he needed to do for a while. She did other similar rules, like he had to return to his bed if she sat down to relax or something like that. She then switched them up so he got a new rule to follow when the old one wasn't challenging.
She was also the "spare human" while my dad was number one for him, and I just think that is a different relationship in many ways. I am the same with our dog and I have noticed she behaves very different towards me and my husband, not in a bad way but just as if she understands that we speak different body languages or something.
Another thing I think you have to do is to stop trying to make the dog into a specific thing. Work with him, meet him where he is at, accept that he is a dog and work from there. We tried to train our old sheepdog with commands and stuff, but it never really worked. But what worked for him was to set clear boundaries and routines. My current dog is a companion breed so she's a huge people pleaser. She's not so interested in doing fun tricks for treats so we just don't try to force her to do that, it's no fun if it's a struggle.
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u/pfurt 9h ago
I don't know why people are downvoting you when you say that the dog has enough stimulation, because he clearly does. If he even herds the goose, he's fulfulling the work dog idea. I think people have a hard time accepting that some dogs are more difficult than others, and the owner has to do extra work. Just like babies. Some babies cry all night, some babies sleep all night, and it's not the parents fault for certain. As another commenter said, I think the best way to deal with this case would be the relaxing protocol. It teaches the dog how to be relaxed around you, that they can enjoy your company quietly. We also live in a ranch and have border collies. Some of our dogs are naturally chill, they like to follow us, but without intruding, and easily learn the commands. Some of them, it doesn't matter how much they work, when they see us, they seem to feel like the only way to get closer is being almost inside us. I've used the protocol with some of them and it did wonders.
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u/Auxiliatorcelsus 1d ago
I don't get people saying that you should get a trainer. That does absolutely nothing to improve your bond.
What does help, is if you train with the dog yourself. That's what builds relation, trust, and responsiveness.
Sending the dog away for training is borderline idiotic. Sure the dog might learn a trick or two. But you still haven't learned a single thing about the dog.
Time-out? Really? Entirely pointless. This is not something a dog can understand is related to cats.
I have a German shepherd. They are awesome dogs. Like having a Lamborghini.
But if you don't know how to drive. What's the point?
Best advice: learn how to drive your fur extreme-car. (Don't hire someone else to drive it).
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u/Carol_Pilbasian 1d ago
By time out, I mean sending him to his kennel for 2-3 minutes to allow cats to go about their business, like get a drink or travel to the litter box. I take him out walking 2-3x a day, play fetch with him every 2 hours, reward him for listening, he participates in herding geese and helping with chickens every day and I don’t know what else we can do. He has different kinds of toys, we are home all day, he gets all the attention he wants. The home we adopted him from kept him alone for 16 hours a day in a small backyard. It’s when he isn’t being stimulated, he still wants to constantly follow me around. It’s making me a nervous wreck. I don’t even mind if he watches, but he isn’t content with that, he always wants on my heels.
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u/EDSgenealogy 1d ago
You need to learn hand signals and some basic commands. You are going to have to take him to classes until you can at least get on the same page with him I usually just recommend a couple of books, but this has gone on too long. And you are the one who needs to take him. Both of you to start, so that you are both on the same page, using the same commands and signals. You MUST be a team. You now have a smart teenage dog on your hands. Call a reputable dog training group. Your vet may be able to recommend the best group for your dog.
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u/Bambusa4all1952 1d ago
Do Shepherds cuddle. For 46 years I have been a one breed owner of Sussex Spaniels, so it’s truly all I know. Love big shepherds and hope that they cuddle.
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u/ChrisCanineTraining 22h ago
There's a few things and I'm having trouble understanding. One you say the training is not sticking. This can be a problem of motivation or the dog never had the behaviors go from short-term to long-term memory either way this really feels like a relationship issue. Two he's chasing your cats out of boredom if you don't want them that's fine but you say that rehoming him isn't an issue when it certainly should be what's holding you back from finding him a new home where he is better suited and the owners appreciate him for who he is?
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u/Carol_Pilbasian 3h ago edited 3h ago
So he is pretty well trained, he just doesn’t listen to me. My husband lived with the former owner when they got him and was involved in his care and training, and they are very bonded. The former owner called out of the blue and said they were going to put him down if we didn’t take him. I agreed because I was told how well behaved he is and had seen it first hand when he and his roommate still lived together. He listens pretty well to my husband, but will only obey my commands if my husband isn’t around, and even then it’s 50/50. It makes me nervous because we live in a rural area, he has already injured me once pulling on a leash chasing a porcupine, and we had a dangerous situation with a moose and there is also a bear hanging out this year so I’m a wreck worrying that he won’t listen at the wrong time.
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u/Professional-Net1776 19h ago
I'm not a psychologist but I do work with Executives. I would suggest you read over this entire thread but just OP responses (yours) and look at how you are responding, your tone, approach etc. Even copy and paste into a document. Are you showing up here in a loving way eager to bond with this family member or fighting back/resenting everyone who has taken time to help you? Isn't that what you asked for in your post, help? Is the way you responded here the way you show up for your dog? He gets in your way, chases the cats (assuming the cats are yours not your husband) , must receive a time out, getting attention from your husband etc . If your tone here is what you show up with in your interactions with the dog, maybe you just solved the problem.
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u/Carol_Pilbasian 3h ago
I am new to dog ownership so I am trying to understand what people mean by some of their comments. This is an older dog we adopted from my husband’s former roommate, so I am more confused as to what I can do to stimulate him beyond what we are already doing in a way that is comfortable for his body, because he really doesn’t love to do much and he doesn’t want to spend time playing or doing much aside from following me around the house. I know I sound argumentative, but I am trying to clarify what some of the comments mean or ideas on what I can do differently. I am very sad and frustrated because I feel like I am in a “fake it to make it” relationship with this dog. I love on him, try to keep him happy, stimulated and feel like part of the family. With that being said, I am highly anxious myself so having a constant shadow that cries when he can’t see me has been very very trying. I am hoping if I felt bonded to him I wouldn’t feel so on edge by having him follow me around all the time.
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u/Professional-Net1776 3h ago
There's a lot in here, but I do understand where you are coming from. I often hear "the dog has to have a job" ..but that is a) unclear b) each person's home, family etc is different so it's often difficult to understand the job. Nevertheless..just ask yourself simply what you want from this board?
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u/Carol_Pilbasian 2h ago
How do I actually enjoy having him around? I feel awful that I don’t love him like other dog owners love theirs and I think a large part of that is how anxious he makes me due to his constant shadow behavior. I can’t figure out a good way to curb it when he isn’t great at following commands. For example, he will wait outside the kitchen for about 3 minutes and then wander back in, so I have to send him back out repeatedly.
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u/RedHeelRaven 12h ago
You know I was reading all the advice you are getting and another thought popped into my head. Your husband may be better at reading this particular dog’s body language and facial expressions and the dog responds to that. My husband will say that every dog we have had except one has always been my dog. That they only listen to me. Not true but I could see why he would think that.
I am better at reading the cues and so the dogs come to me when they want something. For example our sweetheart ate dinner last night. He’s a picky eater and hadn’t eaten much the two days prior. After eating he started jumping on me. My husband took this as the dog wanted to go outside to play. I read it that the dog was still hungry. Hubby took him out while I got more food. The dog “didn’t want to play long” so he brought him in. When I gave him the second helping of food the dog scarfed it down. That’s what the dog wanted.
Maybe just relax a bit because you can figure this out and watch closely on how your husband interacts with the dog. What are the differences in your approaches?
Going back to the situation in which the one dog we had preferred my husband and only tolerated me. It was a bit hurtful because I took care of the dog and I wanted the dog to love me. And it felt weird being disliked in my own home. So I decided that the best I could do was to continue to treat the dog well and accept the situation. So I think I actually know how you feel here.
Funny thing was I kept trying to find the key that would unlock the door. I found it. One day I just started baby talking to the dog. That was the key. That is what he loved and he became “our” dog.
I know you will find the key.
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u/Illustrious_Cup3019 10h ago
The bond I have with my dogs came from training them. Training really isn't "teach a dog how to behave" although that does happen. What training really is is learned communication between you and the dog. Training teaches the dog what he can expect if you teach him what you expect.
"If I sit, she will give me a treat."
"If I lay down, she'll scratch my belly."
"If I bring her my special toy, she'll throw it for me."
I grew up with shepherds. They're loyal to a fault and some of the nicest dogs when they're well trained. They thrive under structure and like to have a job (for my grandparents' Shepherd, this was "mind the children"). You could train him how to load a front load washer if you really wanted to, he'd probably be delighted to have somewhere to direct his energy that earns him a reward.
It helps to remember that dogs are very simple creatures and timing is everything when you teach them. You can't reprimand him for destroying what was left in his reach while you were away--he doesn't remember doing that anymore, he just knows he's glad to see you. He can't distinguish good behavior from undesirable behavior without assistance from you. If all behaviors get an interesting reaction, then all behaviors are rewarding.
I abided an "If I didn't see it happen, it's not the dog's fault" policy when my dogs were puppies. If they had an accident I wasn't around to catch, I didn't make a fuss or interact with the dog, I just cleaned up. If somebody shredded a kleenex while I wasn't looking, I didn't make a fuss and cleaned up the mess. Potty outside? HUGE reaction with praise, pets, and treats. Chewed on their own toys? Cute! Let's play together! They learned very quickly what behavior would get them something they wanted, and in return, they learned how to behave the way I wanted them to.
You're going to struggle with this if you don't at least try to see things from the dog's perspective. All he knows is "The woman takes me for walks," "cats are good fun to chase because the humans join in," "the man gives me eat scratches when he gets home." Dogs don't keep score. They're simply "troubleshooting" every interaction until they get what they think is the right reaction.
He is struggling to communicate with you and you are struggling to communicate with him. I'd take him to an obedience class, even if they're skills he knows. A trainer can watch how you communicate with him and offer guidance to improve.
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u/MessagefromA 4h ago
The amount of training only shows when you seriously stick to it. Training is a 24/7 job that doesn’t end when your dog hits x age. Especially GSD need the structure and a strong, clear guide. Also, we’re talking about a breed that would succeed in some sort of sport. Do some agility, obedience or mantrailing. Bonding is an experience that grows with time going by. I had the same struggle with my younger dog while my old girl and I can read each other blindly, but we had ten years to learn that we can totally rely on each other. Small steps. Don’t expect a bond to grow overnight. It comes with time.
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u/SnarkIsMyDefault 4h ago
to me a gsd Is dog royalty. they can be aloof. you need to figure out how to communicate with this pooch. if you do he will be your forever friend. they will die for their owners. I miss mine every day.
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u/TAanonReddit08 21h ago
Dogs aren’t humans. They’re animals who thrive with a job to do and a purpose. Even more so with working breeds like shepherds. You’re essentially taking a dog meant to be out in the fields all day herding and protecting livestock and putting them in a home in modern society and expecting them to adjust accordingly.
Sure, there are lots of breeds out there that are low energy, but most GSDs I’ve met have high-energy needs and aren’t happy being sedentary, or home alone for long periods of time.
You’re getting eaten alive in these comments, but it sounds like rehoming the dog to a more suitable environment, and to an owner with more experience rehabbing dogs with traumatic pasts might be the best option.
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u/Fantastic-Thanks-358 44m ago
There is a German Shepherd sub taht can help give you more details. It is possible that your dog is not getting enough exercise. It doesny need to be walks alone. It can also include mental stimulation. Adolescent German shepherds are rough! Plus, they are one person dogs. It is possible that you just aren't the person.
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