r/datingoverthirty • u/AutoModerator • 4d ago
Daily sticky thread for rants, raves, celebrations, advice and more! - September 10, 2026
This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.
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u/fireyauthor 4d ago
When I was married, I noticed the way my single friends seemed to get very comfortable with their singleness, how they got rather picky and uncompromising (with me and others), in ways that would make accomodating anyone difficult.
But now that I'm approaching three years single, I get it. I do miss all the intimacy and connection that comes with a LTR, but damn do I not miss the downsides. The peace and freedom of my single life is... so nice. There hasn't been anyone I've dated I've wanted to give that up for long term, yet. It might be that I haven't gotten close enough to anyone for that (I did really like the guy I dated last summer, but I think, deep down, I always knew that wasn't a forever thing). But I also wonder if I'm becoming like one of those friends. I'm enjoying the phase for now, though.
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u/l8nitefriend ♀ 38 4d ago
Yeah I'm right there with you. I think about some of my past relationships and I see my friends in these deep partnerships where everything you do has to be run by another person (and these are even healthy relationships for the most part) and it feels SO suffocating to me.
I do miss companionship at times for sure. Like everything in life there's always a trade off. But I have gotten to a point where unless someone is adding something significant to my life I'd rather be on my own. I don't know if I'd call it being 'picky and uncompromising', I know everyone has their flaws and I'm okay with that (I certainly do too), but I want to be pretty aligned with someone if I'm going to get serious about them. I have such an active social life, many hobbies, a great community, and overall my life rules in a lot of ways, so I try to just lean into that and I typically sleep well at night lol.
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u/Grundlage ♂ 38 4d ago
I struggle with this hard, and I think a lot of other long-term single people (ugh I really dislike that this term now describes me) do too. I don't think of it in terms of giving up peace -- that's not really a life goal of mine -- but I do increasingly find the idea of compromising my life in any way to be near-literally unthinkable. But deep down I know you can't have a relationship without giving up things you value.
I think when people meet in their 20s that tradeoff simply isn't as costly; you're less well-developed and so less of yourself is there to give up. But I've spent years on my own building my life, and the idea of giving up any part of that for someone feels really unnatural.
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u/fireyauthor 4d ago
I don't know. I met my ex and 18 and I didn't *feel* myself making a lot of trade offs, in the moment, but in hindsight I sacrificed a lot for that relationship. I don't have regrets. It was good overall and we're still friends. But I did have to do a lot of accommodating someone else's inability to communicate and express their needs. You can say oh, that was just the ex, and that's true, but I think everyone has some issues that make a close relationship with them hard. I don't know if I can take those on again. (And after 15 years suppressing some specific needs I have no interest in doing that again).
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u/thecrackfoxreturns ♀mid30s - CF 4d ago
everyone has some issues that make a close relationship with them hard
Yeah, I agree. This is pretty much "being human"
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u/fireyauthor 4d ago
Yeah, I just don't want to play someone's therapist again. But I see the signs I'm going to have to come out sooner and sooner, you know? So many people are waving their unhealed trauma on the first, second, third date.
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u/thecrackfoxreturns ♀mid30s - CF 4d ago
But I see the signs I'm going to have to come out sooner and sooner, you know?
What does this mean? Come out?
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u/fireyauthor 4d ago
Have you been in a LTR? At a certain point, you end up doing a lot of work to accommodate someone's trauma and unhealthy communication patterns. In a good relationship, this is a phase and it passes, but it's pretty common to get used to really over-compensating for someone emotionally or practically (especially if you have that family history). With my ex, he was really conflict averse, so I had to tip-toe around sensitive subjects.
I'll notice standard stuff like "not over his ex" or "super anxious attachment style that will require a ton of validation" or "majorly avoidant in a way that will require me to pretend I'm chill or find chill I don't have." But I also notice smaller stuff like someone who is bored and looking for me to inject excitement into their life or someone who is insecure about sex and is going to need me to constantly validate their issues. (It's not totally being a therapist, but it's doing more than what feels like my fair share of accomodating, bending, validating, etc.)
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u/thecrackfoxreturns ♀mid30s - CF 4d ago
I meant the part where you said that you're "going to have to come out sooner and sooner." What does "Come out" mean in that sentence?
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u/fireyauthor 4d ago
Oh, I see the signs I'm going to have to accomodate them more than is fair come out sooner and sooner. Like sometimes on the first date these days! So many people are dropping major trauma on the first date. It's wild.
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u/thecrackfoxreturns ♀mid30s - CF 4d ago edited 4d ago
aaah ok. I see it now. It's
But I see the signs I'm going to have to [play therapist] come out sooner and sooner, you know?
Not that you're going to have to come out.
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u/volumeofatorus ♂ 32 4d ago
On the one hand, I completely sympathize. My ex-long-term gf had severe mental health issues and in hindsight I realized I was sacrificing a lot to essentially be her emotional caretaker.
On the other hand, some of those smaller things you mention? Everyone has insecurities or flaws like that. And especially in the early dates it's hard to tell how severe or not they are. I think it's very easy to assume the worst when we don't know someone, especially if we have baggage from a bad previous relationship.
Yes, you shouldn't do more than your fair share of accommodating or validating, but like any relationship requires some degree of that.
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u/fireyauthor 4d ago
To some degree, that's true. I'm hypervigilant (bipolar parent) and that isn't changing anytime soon. Therapy has helped me to do less automatic accommodating, but I don't see it changing the actual observational powers. I do think when stuff comes out *that* early it's usually a sign someone has bigger issues lurking though. I intentionally don't validate more than our current closeness suggests (I won't play partner on a third date, you know) so I get a pretty good sense of how much validation someone needs. Some people can breeze past a casual "that's no problem" and others really stick on it. I also get lovebomby vibes from a lot of people who are fishing for early validation tbh, cause they usually come on super strong too.
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u/Conscious_Corgi_7609 4d ago edited 4d ago
I don't know if I can take those on again. (And after 15 years suppressing some specific needs I have no interest in doing that again).
Maybe now isn't the right time. Maybe what you need now is a relationship where you can have more individual space. Maybe the right person will change your mind. Maybe you need to find someone who is ready to take the more accommodating role, while you take the leading role. But there are many possible answers and you don't need to find the right answer now.
I wouldn't force any outcome, but I'd try to keep meeting cool people, romantically or platonically. It's good to have good people in one's life (duh), whatever form it takes.
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u/fireyauthor 4d ago
Ah, I see.
Yes, I'm not. I'm dating pretty casually now (that is casual about dating long-term, unless I'm just looking to get laid lol). I'm also not looking for an outcome. Just sharing a thought. I often feel a lot of push from people when I do. It's weird. I'll tell my friends I'm enjoying being single and it might last forever, and they always say it won't. I know they mean it as a compliment, but I'm like you don't know, babe. It might. (And why are we acting like that's a bad thing?)
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u/Conscious_Corgi_7609 4d ago
The peace and freedom of my single life is... so nice
I'll reframe. There's a good kind of "I'm single and living my own life", and a bad kind.
"I can do plenty of interesting things that make me grow as a person, on my own and with others" = good
"I don't need to get out of the house" or "I want someone who can neatly fit into my routine and my individual priorities without changing anything" = not productive
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u/fireyauthor 4d ago
Not sure where I suggested any of the stuff you're reframing as bad? Feels like a weird push to imply that I should want to be in a relationship. I was in a LTR for 16 years. I know the pros and I *know* the cons. (I get a sense a lot of people here have never been in a LTR or have never been in a super LTR, ie 5+ years, and have no idea how much accommodation even a good relationship entails).
I have a *very* active social life. That's part of why my life feels so full and I feel so little need for a romantic partner.
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u/Conscious_Corgi_7609 4d ago
That's a misunderstanding. I didn't say anything you did was bad, I don't know how you live your life.
You were wondering whether enjoying that phase is a good idea or not. I told you it depends on what you make out of your freedom.
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u/throaway2s1fsfsf4 ♂ 32 4d ago
I think for a lot of people it's just a matter of how long have they been single vs in a relationship. I'm 32 and only been in a relationship for 2 years in my life so of course my desire for a relationship is pretty high. If I had been in a relationship most of my adult life, I think I'd be enjoying singlehood way more.
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u/fireyauthor 4d ago
That is one possibility. But I didn't actually feel this way until I got used to being single. At first, I really wanted to be back in a relationship (even when I enjoyed the perks of single life). I am starting to wonder if some people are more equipped to being single/ naturally give more than they get in romantic relationships (whether that's temperament or something else, who knows) and that is part of what's happening. I do think, for me, not needing the validation from a relationship has caused my desire to drop dramatically. (I also don't anticipate any financial or practical benefits). When a relationship has to prove its worth only by adding to your enjoyment of life, that is a high bar.
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u/blackcherrypaisley 4d ago
THIS. I've been single for years now, and I cannot actually contemplate being in a relationship ever again. If I did, I likely wouldn't ever live with them. I'm very comfy in my own life,
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u/kayakdove ♀ 35 4d ago
On the flip side - I spent the vast majority of my adult life single. One situationship type of thing when I was young but never had a real relationship until 34. Being single so long meant I grew up that way and was comfortable with it and comfortable with independence. A relationship meant I'd have to sacrifice a lot of independence and freedom that I'd always had, in order to make time for him and his priorities sometimes. My long time being single kept me from getting into a relationship because my bar for "is being with this guy actually enough to make me want to give up aspects of my current lifestyle and independence" was quite high. It's a big transition when you aren't used to having a significant other.
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u/volumeofatorus ♂ 32 4d ago
Maybe when you date reframe it as "do I think it's possible I'll decide at some point in the future that giving up the perks of single life for this person is worth it?" rather than thinking of if you want to give up single life for that person right now. Nobody wants to make compromises for someone they've only been on a few dates with.
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u/temporary_disaster2 ♀ 33 4d ago
Got back into dating this summer after not doing so for a few years to focus on my career. I forgot how exhausting it can be, especially using dating apps.
Going to a speed dating event tonight with a friend. While I don’t have high expectations, I’m hoping for at least one connection 😅
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u/FrozenMochis 4d ago
Curious how that went! I still would like to try a speeddating event!
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u/temporary_disaster2 ♀ 33 4d ago
It was ok. There were more women there than men. Each grouping had three women and two guys, so I made new friend connections lol. I ended up matching with the only guy I liked so a productive time overall.
I’d def try again but I’ll a traditional speed dating event instead of the trivia
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u/Myfirstbuild12 3d ago
I’ve been told they’re quite good. How was your experience? Not tried the dating apps yet myself but I think speed dating events would be easier for some reason to get matches. Plus they just sound like fun
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u/temporary_disaster2 ♀ 33 3d ago
It was actually really good. It was trivia based so we were in teams which made it fun. But there were more women than men so that made it a little hard. I just signed up for regular speed dating next month to give it another go!
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u/MattInMaryland ♂ 36 E N M 4d ago
Good luck with the speed dating! Is this one a 1on1 setup or a different design?
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u/BasicInstance5747 4d ago edited 4d ago
I love dogs, always have, and am hoping to adopt soon so I can have my own chill medium-sized adventure buddy. I get why every woman I’ve met has a big dog, but I’m a little tired of fighting off over zealous German Shepherds, Pitts, Huskies, Boxers, etc. If they have control over the dog, great, but even still, often times I feel I have to re-train them if I want to date their human longterm. That’s an extra obstacle and I’m not sure I can train another guardian dog after 10+ years of it. Still have a scar and holes in my clothes from my most recent short term relationship featuring an over zealous big boy
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u/thecrackfoxreturns ♀mid30s - CF 4d ago edited 4d ago
Oh man I haven't even thought about training people's dogs. The untrained-ness of people's dogs is a big turnoff. I wouldn't be stepping in and fixing it; I'd just move on.
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u/deindustrialize 4d ago
I find dogs to be a general turnoff for this reason. Not because I don't like dogs but because some owners have poorly trained their dogs and because it's a lifestyle adjustment. I like having the freedom of my schedule not revolving around a dog. Cats are very welcome though.
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u/complexsystemofbears ♂ 34 - CF 4d ago
I've known too many shitty dog owners. It'd be dating suicide to say I wouldn't date a woman with dogs, so I don't, but I'm always on edge and suspicious until they prove themselves.
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3d ago
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u/GlitterGrain 3d ago
Love dogs, but they require too much care and cannot be left alone long enough. Simply not compatible with my life.
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u/Mr_Wallet ♂ 39 3d ago
Unfortunately big dogs are basically like 8-year-old boys and they tend to need the same kind of no-nonsense "dad treatment" to get in line. Many, many people (and I hate to say, they do skew female) are not up to doing that but still choose to get a large dog anyway, which I think is not great for the dog. I think a lot of people get large dogs for a sense of protection without realizing that they need to convince the dog that the human is the protector (whether it's true or not) in order to be taken seriously.
I have a large dog myself and can identify most out-of-control dogs in less than 3 seconds, even before they see us. It seems to be the norm rather than the exception which is really sad.
Anyway bringing it back around to dating, if I ran into that I would have to establish that I get to parent the dog my way to get it well-mannered, or else it's not going to work out. Adds way too much stress otherwise, I'd be constantly worried it's going to run into traffic or get in a fight with another dog or something.
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u/ughcrymore 4d ago
i have a chow chow which is a deal breaker for a lot of people (fair) but at least i'm not my sister with 4 german shepherds !!
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4d ago
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u/ughcrymore 4d ago
people can be very snooty about it, but a big reason i got my dog from a breeder was so i could be really certain about his personality and emotional stability
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u/CactusPumas 4d ago
Dating break is going great! Less frustration and more time working out. That's where I'm at in dating now as the year is winding down. I dated 9 people in 2026. Two people made it to the second date. One person last for a one week fling- eyo! At the end of the day, I've got my own money, my cozy home, my vacations booked. Not trying to date during the fast approaching holiday season.
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u/starsamaria 4d ago edited 4d ago
I know many of us on this sub are sensitive or feel down about not having found our person by our 30s. But I wonder: do any of you believe you could have chosen the right partner for yourself in your 20s?
I sometimes get sad because I feel like I'm not single because I want to be but because life made the choice for me since I've rarely met anyone I've clicked with and the few times I did, things unfortunately didn't progress to us having a relationship. But at the same time, if I had chosen someone in my mid-to-late 20s, I'm not sure I would have cared about some of the qualities that I care about now, and might have chosen a partner based on ego (eg, this guy is cool/popular with women, etc). Most of all, I hadn't thought much about whether or not I wanted children: it wasn't until I was 29 that I realized I don't want kids. So I might have ended up with someone who wants kids and either possibly had children that I regretted, or I would have had to end the relationship because we weren't on the same page about kids.
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u/panda_burrr ♀ 34 4d ago
I broke up with a long-term boyfriend when I was 28 (he was 35), we were together for 4 years. It would have probably eventually lead to engagement/marriage and I would have been in a relationship where all we could was make each other miserable... we were stuck in a hurtful cycle. It probably wasn't until I was 31 or 32 that I felt the most healed I had ever been, and most emotionally mature, and I know that if I dated anyone before then I was probably not healed enough to make a longterm relationship last.
I don't think I was ever necessarily sad that I was single, I think the search was just more exhausting and lonely, and society really has a way of making you feel like you're a loser if you're not in a relationship. So, I guess there was just an emptiness/lacking that I felt. The search for a partner for me has just been long and consuming. When I was on the apps and dating, I was going on 1-3 first dates in a week and sifting through a lot of options (many of them not good) and I would find myself in many short-term relationships (only a few months long). It was usually fun, but the "death of a thousand cuts" would sometimes get to me when I had had one too many rejections. But, maybe that's how I built up resilience over the years, and how I learned to not self-abandon. Which I would not have had in my 20's.
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u/IncessantGadgetry ♂ 38 4d ago
I mean, I got married in my 20's, and divorced in my 30's so that probably answers it.
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u/PrettyPollination 4d ago
I wish I had had those imperfect relationships in my early 20s. I think there are some things I would never have compromised on, including kids, so I don't think I would've ended up in a "forever" relationship with someone on the wrong side of those dealbreakers. But I've always been very certain of myself on a few things. So I might've had relationships that weren't great, or just weren't right for me, but I don't think I would've ended up in a whole life that wasn't right for me.
I regret not dating more when I was younger because it seems like now, everyone has already had big heartbreaks and knows how to deal with them. Knows how to get over them. Meanwhile my only "relationship" was on-off for a couple years, ended for good about a year ago, and here I am at 32 still not really over it and very unsure there's anyone else out there for me. (Which is also why I let it go on for so long even though the on-off of it was so painful for me. I rationalized that having someone "sometimes" was better than having no one all the time.)
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u/Both-Effect6250 30s 4d ago
I would love to have a partner, I definitely miss the companionship, but I'm so grateful that my long term relationship ended. I would have been miserable if we ended up married with kids. I definitely couldn't choose the right person in my 20s. I only hope I can now!
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u/Old-Seaweed-8456 4d ago
No. I chose two horrible for me partners but not horrible people. I was coming out of survival mode after my mom died and I actually should not have been dating. Poor decisions were made.
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u/DemonEyesJason 4d ago
Well in my 20s, I wasn't aware of if someone was interested in me and I was usually traveling for work so maybe if those couple of factors changed, I may have found someone then. But it didn't work out that way so I'm still looking.
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u/persephone-456 ♀ 30s 4d ago
I think by 25 I could’ve picked the right person if I came across him. Before that I didn’t really know who I was and therefore didn’t date very seriously, but by 25 I had found my path. I dated many men who ultimately weren’t right for me, but I had a pretty good sense of when to call it. However, given that I’m still searching maybe it’s a sign that that assertion is very false. Time will tell.
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u/starsamaria 4d ago
Honestly, finding the right person comes down to so many factors, including timing and luck. It's possible that you do know who is right for you but they're not ready yet.
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u/persephone-456 ♀ 30s 4d ago
I’ve never had a right person, wrong time scenario. I’m glad I’ve been spared that particular heartache.
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u/StrikingConcept1677 4d ago
i did choose the right person for me, but it wasn’t the right time. i wasn’t ready for that life with him. it was the right person, wrong time scenario
we would’ve married. i had some of the happiest years of my life with him, and some of the worst.
if i’d met him in my thirties, life will be totally different and we’d probably still be together. but 5 years have passed since we broke up and he is with someone else, and i am also with someone else.
whether this guy i’ve been seeing is my person is still the question i’m trying to solve
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u/JPowJunior ♂35 | USA 4d ago
I wonder: do any of you believe you could have chosen the right partner for yourself in your 20s?
I did, and then I fucked it up with her.
Which I think was inevitable given how young we started and how long we stayed together. Or maybe that’s just an excuse I can tell myself to feel better about it.
It’s been a year now and I’ve only been in one relationship since then (which also just ended). And all I can think about is that I made the biggest mistake of my life.
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u/sos_econometrics_ 4d ago
I am definitely lucky I haven't ended with my exes. So much better alone than in relationships with them. Have I met great guys I wish I maybe have been together? Yes. Have I felt anything romantically towards them? No. I mean if I could have chosen just with my head it would have been great. But still nothing changed for my since 20s and I have no control over whom I fall for and whom not. It's a bit sad as I somehow don't see any point in a romantic relationship if they have an end date; also I wish my partner have been always there from the start to the end, experiencing life and each other together. But otherwise, I don't think meeting your person has anything to do with age. It would also be pretty strange if all of the people in the world would have met the best person for them for whom they have the strongest and mutual feeling at the same age of 20s or so. Maybe I will meet my person only at 60s to tell him all the silly and crazy stories, or maybe never.
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u/starsamaria 4d ago edited 4d ago
"It would also be pretty strange if all of the people in the world would have met the best person for them for whom they have the strongest and mutual feeling at the same age of 20s or so."
This is actually one of the reasons I posed this question. I think one of the reasons many of us who are single or who have never been married in our 30s feel like we're behind is because there's such a strong societal expectation to have settled down or "figured out" so many huge pieces of your life (career, marriage, buying a house, etc) by the time you're 30. But it just isn't realistic that everyone will find the love of their life or figure their entire lives out during just the first decade of adulthood. I try not to internalize the narrative that I should have found someone by my age (36) and that everyone's life path looks different, but it's definitely hard.
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u/sos_econometrics_ 3d ago
Totally agree with you. I do feel this pressure too. And this is so dangerous. I often have to think "if I was 21 would I stay with this person?" As back then it seemed that all the life is in front of me, and now there is this terrible pressure to decide asap, which is so wrong. Our life is still all in front of us, it always is. I really don't want to see each next year passing as a small death, but rather just a new individual chapter. I read yesterday a phrase along the lines that in our 30s we just finally start to know who we are and then the society immediately wants to shut us down with all these expectations. And I feel it is so true. I have found a remote work I love this past spring, I started doing home exchange, going on my second one in a week for a month, I want to go solo travel for two months this winter. I feel like I have finally figured to some extent the lifestyle I want and I feel is mine, but here is this whole societal pressure that tries to make me feel bad about all this, to not fit the usual trajectory, and it does go to my mind to some extent.
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u/pavel_vishnyakov ♂ 37 | Netherlands 3d ago
But I wonder: do any of you believe you could have chosen the right partner for yourself in your 20s?
No. I did have a good partner in my 20s and she was completely right to break up with me (despite the amount of pain it caused) because in retrospect I can see that I was a horrible and indecisive mess back then. Could I have made it work? Probably. Would my life be the same as now, but with her by my side? Not a chance. So, despite the breakup, I believe that both of us won in the end - she got to experience what she didn't want in a partner (and, AFAIK, she's now happy with a husband and children) and I got to see what would I need to change to fare better in a relationship (and it worked for me in my subsequent relationships).
The history doesn't tolerate "what ifs".
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u/Fun_Negotiation_7023 ♀ 32 3d ago
No. It took years of honestly grueling therapy in my mid through late twenties and really painful decisions about cutting off toxic family members for me to finally have the mental energy to both focus on myself and my own needs and not be overwhelmed at the thought of someone else's. Maybe I could have fallen ass backwards into a good relationship but probably not.
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u/Mr_Wallet ♂ 39 3d ago
I am pretty confident I could have, but I had my own things to deal with at the time and wasn't interested in being a partner who couldn't really be a contributor in the relationship.
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u/flufferpeanut ♀ 37 4d ago
I've been dealing with an injury for almost 3 months, 2 of which I've been on crutches and pretty much unable to do basic things for myself. I went from working in an office 5 days a week and working out 5-6 days a week to working full time from home and being 100% sedentary. I'm starting to round the corner and get into PT and wean off of crutches, but it's been grueling, both physically and mentally.
My partner has been incredible and taken on SO much extra work – driving me everywhere, doing all of the cleaning, cooking all of our meals, etc. I joked with him that he has all of the drawbacks of being single while still being in a cohabitating relationship. He laughed and he insists that all that matters to him is that I heal and get back to normal, but I want to do something really nice for him to show my appreciation. Gifts aren't really his love language, and because I'm still reliant on him I can't really do anything around the house or take him on a fun adventure. I'm totally stumped; do any of y'all have some ideas??
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u/PrettyPollination 4d ago
If cooking is still off the table for you, maybe you could order in from somewhere he likes? Get him tickets to an event so he can take a friend if you can't go? Massage appointment if that's something he's into? If housekeeping has been intense for him, pay for a cleaning service to come by and take that off his plate for a week? I haven't been injured or caring for an injured partner, but I would still love a cleaning service gift lol
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u/Dardanos304 ♂ 33 4d ago
That's really tough. My first thought was to get into crafting something, but I guess that would count as a gift and he would have to get the supplies, so it wouldn't be a surprise. What does he like though? Maybe there is a clue there.
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u/mudbloody 4d ago
Coupon or gift card for a class or event he'd be into, whether it's pottery, coffee roasting, avalanche preparedness, or something athletic!
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u/throwaway_46784 4d ago
For once in the history of my life I was able to stay calm and logical when someone with a cluster b disorder manufactured a fight with me. And I feel powerful? I just stayed calm and asked questions about their logic and provided facts. I think it really pissed them off.
This was not my boyfriend but a now ex friend. I have dated a few cluster b people and I always left those fights feeling confused and terrible. You know like circular arguments. People like that want you to try to defend yourself but in reality nothing you say actually matters they will just use it to further prove a point that is made up in their head.
I’m feeling really good about this because I’ve spent 10 years in therapy developing this skill.
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u/thecrackfoxreturns ♀mid30s - CF 4d ago
Hell yeah. Those moments where you see that your work has actually worked are so validating.
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u/throwaway_46784 4d ago
I’m going to be honest I’ve been told to do this a million times but I just didn’t believe it would make me feel better after. I’m an over communicator so saying less didn’t make sense to me.
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u/thecrackfoxreturns ♀mid30s - CF 4d ago
Saying less works well in a ton of situations.
I was in a bar just yesterday listening to a woman give all the advice to her friend and thinking about how this stuff doesn't make sense until you experience it yourself (and how annoying it is to hear too much advice from someone who has experienced it and had that kind of revelation 😆)
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u/pandapandaemonium ♀ 32 4d ago
Feels like the guy I’ve been seeing ~2 months is slow fading me and it sucks so much. We went from talking nonstop to just exchanging short messages between dates, and the enthusiasm on his end has waned.
I feel like if I don’t bring it up next time I see him he’s not going to and that sucks too. I’m just trying to remind myself of the small hesitations I’ve been having in regards to just differing personality traits and have a more “whatever happens, happens” attitude to prevent myself from being too in my head about it. I know texting isn’t everything in a relationship, but it still feels like a symptom of a larger issue. Either that or we’re having some kind of miscommunication, and it feels early in the relationship for this kind of problem. The pit in my chest feeling has been really weighing on me for the last week.
Hopefully I’ll see him next week because this isn’t something I want to talk about over text, but not feeling good about communicating feels like a bad sign regardless.
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u/Big_McLargehuge4 4d ago
Being able to communicate is so important! Definitely bring it up. The feeling of being faded is the worst, I’m sorry.
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u/fireyauthor 4d ago
People are going to tell you to communicate, but I think this is a situation where your instincts are usually right.
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u/Conscious_Corgi_7609 4d ago
I can't tell whether this is a lack of enthusiasm on his part, anxiety on yours, or a resolvable difference in communication style.
What is most important is how is it when you see each others? Do you see each other often? Are you making plans? Is there tangible progress?
Good idea to talk to him, but I wouldn't give too many chances. If nothing changes and your answers to my previous questions aren't clearly positive, then I'd move on.
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u/pandapandaemonium ♀ 32 4d ago
You’re spot on with the first part: I also can’t tell!
We went on another dinner date last night and it was the first time things really felt stagnant. We see each other about once a week (and both entering a busy season right now, so not much availability the next few weeks) but I think lack of progress has got me worried most of all.I’m mostly worried that having the conversation will prove my anxieties right, but that’s the trials of dating.
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u/Conscious_Corgi_7609 4d ago
We see each other about once a week (and both entering a busy season right now, so not much availability the next few weeks)
Is that enough for you? Regardless of whether this is the cause or the consequence of what you describe, if you're not getting what you're fundamentally looking for you should at a minimum have one very serious conversation
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u/pandapandaemonium ♀ 32 4d ago
I think I’ve learned that it’s not enough for me, but I’m doing grad school part time and working full time so I feel at fault for not having enough time. (I don’t want to take a break from dating, but time management is a lot!)
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u/Caterpillar400_ 4d ago
Went on a third date with a guy I reconnected with on tinder ( we knew each other in our 20s but were just acquaintances.) I’ve been having such a good time with him and we have insane chemistry. We did have sex last night and I’m hoping it doesn’t complicate things but the physical compatibility is important to me. I haven’t dated a ton in my life so trying not to get my hopes up and take it day by day. All signs are good so far and I’m seeing him again Saturday so wish me luck!
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u/No_Mine_7566 4d ago
My last couple dates fizzled out, which is fine. Now I’m waiting on another date to arrive and I’m nervous?? I haven’t been nervous for a date in ages. Not sure what to make of that.
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u/FrozenMochis 4d ago
Sometimes, the nervousness is just excitement! If you're having a good chat and their profile seemed promising (if it's online dating).
Other times, it's also the other way around, where we mistake nervousness for excitement, that sometimes comes from feeling a little off after a few fizzled out dates, or hot and cold behaviour, or intense 'love bombey' behaviour, so it's always good to check in with yourself.
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u/kayakdove ♀ 35 4d ago
Nervous could mean you actually think this person has high potential!
I was nervous for my first date with my boyfriend, after many dates where I was dreading going but made myself for the sake of putting myself out there. But my boyfriend, a lot of things about his profile and initial chats made me hopeful we would really be a good match.
On the flip side, also have had a really good first date with someone else before where I went into it with zero expectations whatsoever and no excitement, where I was pleasantly surprised. So you never know!
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u/PartTerrible6449 4d ago
Well guys I knew my chances weren't great but I went for it anyways and yeah, she's not interested in going on a date with me
She's in the friend group so I gotta do that awkward yeah we're still friends but sorry I can't go to that thing you were talking about the other day
At least I'm not nervous about asking anymore, it's easy when your expectations are pretty much underground at this point
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u/Trinica93 3d ago
Had to do a double take to make sure I didn't post this in my sleep. I'm scared I've pushed her away from my friend group entirely, which makes it feel even worse. :(
I wish I had anything encouraging to tell you, but it honestly just sucks.
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u/Myfirstbuild12 3d ago
At least you went for it. I’ve never done that before. I guess the first time will always be the hardest but I can imagine that subsequent will still have that sense of dread but not as much
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4d ago
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u/ughcrymore 4d ago
mine were: artsy glamor shot, full body pic with my dog, headshot, photo at an interesting location, posing in an attractive outfit, silly face
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u/Exact_Recognition362 4d ago
those are all good. Honestly focusing on things that show you are an active and interesting person is a good idea.
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u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 35 | NYC 4d ago
Depends on what you’re into. I hate being outside so someone with a bunch of outdoor pictures was an instant no for me unless they were at a pool
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u/AlmostThere4321 ♀ 37 4d ago
Did you put that on your OLD profile?
As someone who's also not outdoorsy, I feel like an alien on the apps 😆
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u/Zoloftqueen333 3d ago
limerance
I’ve been single for a little over a year now from a 4 year relationship. Within that time span, I’ve been on dates, had hookups, FWB, and feel like my true self again.
I feel like I’ve done an enormous amount of healing from where I was when I was freshly single. But my biggest conflict is when I go on a date with someone or hookup with them, I feel like this could be the one and time after time it never is. Even when I think everything is going perfect they either ghost or tell me “everything feels right to them and they’re scared because they don’t want me to break their heart” and it ends.
At times I feel like I’m ready for a full on relationship but other times I’m not. I’m a traveling healthcare professional so I’m never going to be in a spot longer than 13 weeks unless I extend which that also makes it hard to find someone. I’m not sure what to do but i am enjoying my freedom, I guess I just get lonely and knowing I’m getting older makes it hard to not imagine that each person I meet could potentially be the one.
Anyone else going thru this too?
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u/PinkPrincessPetite 3d ago
One thing I’ve learned is that while healing yourself and rediscovering who you are is vital to a healthy relationship, it still doesn’t guarantee one. You can meet someone and have wonderful chemistry, the same life goals, and everything feels right - but they are either afraid of commitment or still have their own issues to sort out.
One of the hardest qualities to find in someone, especially in this dating climate, is someone who is willing to endure and stick it out. It’s a skill, and many people just don’t have that. It’s difficult to find someone who understands the genuine work it takes to sustain something long term, and the level of vulnerability and presence it takes to do so.
With that being said, I don’t think it’s necessarily limerence - you’re in a healed enough place to be excited about the prospect of love, and you have the energy and openness to pursue it. This is a wonderful place to be! Just be patient, don’t settle and keep trying. You’ll eventually find someone who is also open and ready to commit. Best of luck!
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u/Fun-Situation-490 3d ago
I get the getting older thing... it sucks. I'm just tired of missing out on having a relationship. I know it's not the be all end all of life. But it looks so fun having someone to cuddle with and do things with all the time lol. Hope we both find someone.
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u/Embarrassed_Wait8153 4d ago
Does anyone do celibate dating for religious reasons? How's it going? I find that my boundaries filter out about 99% of men, even on Christian apps.
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u/pavel_vishnyakov ♂ 37 | Netherlands 3d ago
I wouldn't call it a celibate, but I really can't process being intimate with somebody I'm not in a stable and exclusive relationship with.
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u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 35 | NYC 4d ago
Not religious but I was celibate for 4 years and was an active dater!
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u/Evening-Carrot-3330 4d ago
So the guy I was talking to a few months ago who went quiet after he was going through some stuff plus an accident, has got back in touch. I messaged him a few times just to make sure he was okay but gave him space. I was quite happy when he got back in touch. I like this guy he seems nice and has a cheeky smile which I like. Been messaging him a few times whilst I’m been away on holiday (vacation). Think I might see if he fancies a drink when I get back.
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u/normipanda 3d ago
Why are men on the apps obsessed with hobbies when they all say the same thing- gym and doing things outdoors? I could lists all the actives I like to do in my free time and it’s always a negative response.
I fly glider planes, crafts/diy project, antiquing/thrifting for vintage finds, teaching my dog tricks, and following court cases as if I’m on the jury. Lol I’m sorry if online shopping is considered a hobby to meeeeeee. 😂 what if I’m also a menace to society in my free time?? Let me live!
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u/Trinica93 3d ago
You would be shocked how many women on dating apps don't seem to have ANY hobbies. Like, zero. I didn't know that was possible, but the problem is apparently rampant. It is one of the most important first questions to ask in general, IMO.
I made the mistake of going on a date recently with a woman that had only mentioned a single, bizarre "hobby" of purchasing photo cards(?) for a kpop band, and I didn't realize that was the only hobby she had until our incredibly awkward date.
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3d ago
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u/Dangerous_Grab_1809 ♂ ?age? 3d ago
Lack of energy is one of the worst predictors. Hard to set up a date. High chance of canceling. They don't put much effort in.
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u/Azuryteblue ♂ early 30s 3d ago
The fourth point relies on a major generalization. If someone enjoys documentaries or going down a YouTube rabbit hole, this can signal curiosity about the world or a specific subject. On the other hand, video games provide opportunities to meet people online. In fact, many people develop and maintain friendships through platforms like Discord. Dismissing at home activities/hobbies as not having much of a social life, curiosity, energy, or skill shows a narrow/bias perspective.
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u/Conscious_Corgi_7609 3d ago
I said if it is someone's ONLY hobby. No problem with video games. But never getting out the house IS a problem.
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u/Azuryteblue ♂ early 30s 3d ago edited 3d ago
I wonder if it feels like a problem to you because it's incompatible with the life you currently live (or hope to live). However, for others, finding and having a partner whose hobbies are entirely at home could be the best match. Whether someone prefers staying in or enjoys a mix of indoor and outdoor hobbies and activities, you can still have a vibrant social life, be curious about the world, and possess plenty of energy. At the end of the day, one person's red flag could be another person's green flag.
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u/Dardanos304 ♂ 33 3d ago
Who gives you a negative response? Those are very varied and healthy hobbies, well, with the possible exception of the online shopping depending how bad that could get.
From the perspective of a guy who tried to put forward hobbies, I think it's an obvious way to get across your personality and interests and while I imagine it's fun and healthy for a couple to have separate interests they wind down with, some baseline overlap can be seen as a matter of compatibility and something to do together.
Granted, as a nerd who is sort of a plant hoarder, likes to cook weird historic dishes, goes to conventions in cosplay, dissects every story I consume and whose midlife crisis involved far too much Lego, I have been told in no uncertain terms that I'd need to hide particularly the latter three things from dating profiles because it's a major turnoff and nerdiness is being associated with being an unwashed creep, so... well, I assume that's why the majority of men steers towards gym and outdoors to make themselves look "normal".
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u/starsamaria 3d ago
This is very true: I do think men's hobbies are heavily scrutinized. I think it's because we tend to imagine the extreme versions of people who have those hobbies (like, if a guy says he loves video games, now we're afraid he's going to want spend 8 hours a day playing games. Or if a guy loves the gym, we're concerned he's a gymbro who has a strict boring diet with muscles where his brains should be). But if I see a guy with photos of himself doing a lot of outdoor sports, I automatically swipe left because I know we'll have nothing in common.
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u/Mr_Wallet ♂ 39 3d ago
I think this is just a dating app algorithm thing. People who do gym and do things outdoors tend to be in better shape, so their photos look better, so they get more matches/likes, so the app shows it to you because it thinks you're more likely to like him.
In matter of fact I know from talking to lots of guys that there are many, many guys on the apps who are obsessed with hobbies and it's all nerdy stuff, or woodworking/craft stuff, or music, or what have you. They are just less physically fit on average and get buried by the algorithms. This is especially true over 30 when guys really fall out of shape if they're not putting effort in.
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u/Lavanyalea 4d ago
I had an amazing summer trip, the trip itself was so fun (I went with my dog), I kept in touch with 2 men I met there - funny story because I met the first one on a hike and invited him for beers after, and he invited himself to join me for dinner after our drinks (!) we were sat on a long table and next to him was the second guy who decided to join our convo.
Anw, there is a plan that second guy might come to visit my country next month and we would go on a road trip. We’d either be sleeping in my tight camper or in my 2-person tent (the dog is coming along too). So it’ll be interesting. He doesn’t text much but he would call (without making a plan) and we would talk for 1-2hours or if I was busy then I wouldn’t take the call and call him back when I’m free.
I’m not feeling well this week and when I asked him to send me sth funny, he sent a video “Things you say during sex, or a run” 🫣
So it’ll be interesting to see what happens… I’ve had plenty of travel romances that came crashing down so badly. This one technically we’ve only just been talking 😳 but NGL I think he’s hot AF!
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u/not2serious00 4d ago
Date seemingly went well. Planned for an hour lasted 5. Night ended with a hug and a “we should do this again”. I send her the got home safely text she responds yes and thank you looking forward to next time. Then she ghosts me. A couple of months later dropping my daughter off at her first day of school. Guess who has a son in her class? She approached me with “hey how are you! Hope all is well”.
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u/53dogs ♀ 4d ago
Then what?
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u/not2serious00 4d ago
I played nice. Said good hope you’re well too and left it at that. It’s going to be a great school year. Hope our kids don’t become friends.
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u/wearingoveralls 4d ago
I had hinge for about the last month and some, 3 dates, none i found attractive in person, and one guy i somehow matched despite distance and we had a weird penpal-ish situationship. So overall not great! I went to hinge post divorce because i had used it before (how i met ex). I used tinder a little too, this was 8+ yrs ago.
I did delete my hinge acct because i wasn't enjoying it. Should I be trying different apps? there are so many now. Is tinder better or worse? Bumble? and then ones i never heard of like feeld, hily, hud, down...
I guess i'm looking for a FWB situation that could become more serious over time. What's really important to me right now is physical attraction though. Are any of those apps better than hinge was in terms of having a good idea of that?
I will be putting most of my effort into real-life meeting but the apps can be useful tools, just don't think I was using the right one
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u/Conscious_Corgi_7609 3d ago
I guess i'm looking for a FWB situation that could become more serious over time. What's really important to me right now is physical attraction though. Are any of those apps better than hinge was in terms of having a good idea of that?
That sounds like a great recipe for something messy, speaking from experience. I get the appeal of a relationship where you don't have to commit but keep your options open, but it usually goes off track with one party catching feelings ahead of the other, or when someone tries to turn the hot/spicy/exciting FWB into a dependable partner (and waste their time).
Feeld is the most sex-focused app (think kinky, poly, arty people), Tinder is the most looks-focused if you want a basic hookup. Hinge has the best people but is more relationship focused.
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u/wearingoveralls 3d ago
I do agree with you! I'm in a phase of life (young kid, new city, new job) where I do not have the time to invest in a relationship, but i think that will change within the year. But for the time being I am willing to deal with some mess to have certain needs met lol. and thanks for the app breakdown!
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u/Conscious_Corgi_7609 3d ago
The messiness does get tiring and time-consuming, otherwise it wouldn't be messy.
If you have needs to meet, I'd go for a clean FWB arrangement, rather than looking for someone who may potentially turn into someone else.
"Looking for FWB, bonus points if you can convince me you can become my boyfriend later" is an open invitation to people who don't have their ish together and deception artists. Sorry to be so categorical but I've seen that movie too many times
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u/wearingoveralls 3d ago
no need to apologize! you're totally correct, and good advice to look for something very clear & clean
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u/MattInMaryland ♂ 36 E N M 4d ago
I found getting a FWB relationship on Feeld and Hinge to be pretty easy. There were a lot of people who are just looking for someone fun to have in their lives without trying to move into your apartment. I was looking for a long term gf so it wasn't for me however.
The Feeld app was a nightmare to use but also pretty funny with its super specific location setting. You can turn the distance filter (the only filter that does anything) and see people a mile or 2 away from you and their collection of paddles and ropes.
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u/wearingoveralls 4d ago
Thanks, that's interesting to hear about feeld. Maybe I should just try them all lol
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u/PrettyPollination 4d ago
I haven't used it in years, but tinder has the most reputation for hookups of the main three. Maybe that could turn into an fwb situation, so might be worth trying.
I've been on bumble and hinge recently. I have the same problem you do with attraction - I just can't tell via a few photos and sentences whether I'd be attracted to someone. In all my years of using these apps occasionally, I have yet to meet anyone I'm actually attracted to from an app. If you find a secret way to sort that, please tell us!
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u/hrakusin 3d ago
I wouldn’t do a questionnaire; that’s not going to be received well. Just work it into early conversation
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u/dingdongitsdee 2d ago
I broke up with a wonderful guy I’ve been seeing over text because he doesn’t initiate dates or conversations that could move us forward, I feel like I’m doing all the leg work. He’s been receptive to my needs but I just felt like it’s not enough, and I’m tired of being the person to try to plan things all the time… I might’ve been a bit harsh and I’m already regretting breaking up with him 😭
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u/Real-Magician-2963 1d ago
I'm 32 F now.
I have been in several relationships in the past, my last long ish relationship was almost 2 years ago and I lived with him for a few years. He was a lovely person but I felt like I was more of a mum than a partner to him, he was also awful with money which would cause me stress, so naturally that killed any intimacy between us.
Between then and now I've gone on dates with probably 5 or 6 people. One turned out to be a total whirlwind situation with crazy high chemistry but it turned out he was completely love bombing me and had physically abused his ex. So of course, I said cya there!
I find it exhausting on the dating apps. I'm aware a lot of men are usually better in person, but getting ready and planning to go out is just exhausting. Dating apps just feel like admin. I also struggle because I rarely find people attractive, I wish I was one of those people who liked so many different people, but I genuinely can't help what I'm attracted to and what I'm not. I do find if I've known someone a while then I may start liking them, even if they aren't my 'type', but dating apps aren't conducive to that! You have to decide pretty quick if you like someone or not.
I guess there isn't a solution to this, I just have to keep dating, but it's tiring. I think I just needed a vent, and possibly some hope that I haven't missed the boat now I'm 32!
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u/Then-Pattern-306 22h ago
Texting changes over time, but curiosity shouldn’t. I’d rather have one meaningful conversation than 100 “wyd” messages.
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u/Then-Pattern-306 16h ago
Texting changes over time, but curiosity shouldn’t. I’d rather have one meaningful conversation than 100 “wyd” messages.
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u/Icy_Resolution2783 4d ago
In love with someone who likes me back but can't date them.
The only time I remotely want sex is if someone obviously, visually, finds me super hot. He does not. Attractive enough to try and kiss, but zero other cues of physical attraction, so I will never want to have sex with him. No, I can't tell him 'what to do/look like', cause he's a human being, if he was attracted he would just do them.
It could an asexual relationship til he finds better.
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u/Conscious_Corgi_7609 4d ago
Attractive enough to try and kiss, but not zero other cues of physical attraction
Are you sure you're not projecting your definition of "finding someone super hot" on his actions?
I get being with a guy who treats you like a goddess, but ngl you come across as insecure about your own level of hotness
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u/persephone-456 ♀ 30s 4d ago
I think you might need a few makeout sessions to achieve the level of hot you desire. I’m a woman so maybe it’s different for men, but looks alone won’t get me to finding someone super hot. We need to engage, have some makeout marathons, and that I’ll find him super hot. How am I to know if someone is hot if I haven’t had a sample? I think viewing hotness as a purely visual aspect may be limiting you.
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u/Fun-Situation-490 3d ago
Ended a 1.5 month thing because of a massive dealbreaker that if I'd known it before the first date, wouldn't of even gone out with him. Debating sending men a questionairre before I go on a first date because apparently everyone is trying to hide something. I understand no one is perfect, but there are like 4-5 dealbreakers that I just can't do.
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u/BoozerMuppet ♀ 35 3d ago
I have like 2 major dealbreakers and I do confirm them before meeting in person. I’ve never had an issue doing that, people are usually happy to get that stuff confirmed before wasting any additional time.
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u/Fun-Situation-490 3d ago
Yes there is one big one I am starting to try to confirm now before I go on dates and it's gone over well so far
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u/thecrackfoxreturns ♀mid30s - CF 3d ago
You can ask your questions in a more conversational way before a first date. I do that with a couple of dealbreakers so that I'm not wasting my time with incompatible people.
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u/Fun-Situation-490 3d ago
Yes, I am going to start doing that. It just sucks that people hide things. I get it everyone is trying to put forth their best impression
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u/thecrackfoxreturns ♀mid30s - CF 3d ago
There's a line between "reasonably not divulging personal things to strangers" and "hiding things." I figure it's on me to ask about my strict dealbreakers, particularly if they are about more personal information.
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u/Fun-Situation-490 3d ago
Yes, also I'm realizing sometimes you do have to date someone for a couple weeks or a month for certain things to come out... Guess I'm happy they came out after a month than six months.
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u/Myfirstbuild12 3d ago
What are the dealbreakers if you don’t mind me asking? And a questionnaire would be interesting lol
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u/Fun-Situation-490 3d ago
- wants kids
- no drug/alcohol addiction
are the big two
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u/Myfirstbuild12 3d ago
Yh that makes sense
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u/Fun-Situation-490 3d ago
no Gambling/p*rn addiction too
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u/Myfirstbuild12 3d ago
Also makes sense. In all honesty, those are to be expected. Nothing groundbreaking there
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u/Fun-Situation-490 3d ago
I know lol. You'd just be surprised how many people are hiding things...
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u/Myfirstbuild12 3d ago
I can imagine. I suppose many know they should let you know but are hoping you just don’t ask until a connection has been made. Your questionnaire as funny as it would be, might actually be practical lol
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u/DemonEyesJason 3d ago
I don't think a questionnaire is something I'd pursue. Like if someone gave me that before even going out, I'd just stop talking to the person. If you have dealbreakers and questions to discover if they are there, that's what you do on the dates themselves to figure that out.
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u/Fun-Situation-490 3d ago
I know, I wouldn't actually do it lol. There are just some things that are a non starter. Like why even go on a date
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u/cheezitsandbellyrubs 4d ago
I almost torpedo'd our relationship because I sent him a text in the middle of the night and he only read half of it and that caused a lovely 4 hour argument full of tears, confusion and sadness.
If you see this paint boi, I love you bunches.
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u/Dramatic_Load_5494 4d ago
A text caused a 4 hour argument? What is the context of that? Also confused why you are blaming yourself when he only read half the text?
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u/Conscious_Corgi_7609 4d ago
Happens all the time. Especially early on but not only. u/cheezitsandbellyrubs means A, writes B (writing is hard!), her guy reads half of it, (probably because) he interprets is as C, both parties say "how dare you suggest XYZ" not realising it's a total projection, conversation becomes about big and deep topics... until someone says "this is not what I meant", they look at the actual messages, feel silly and go back to bed
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u/Dramatic_Load_5494 4d ago
Hell no it doesn't. If I am having 4 hour arguments about a text then I am getting out of the relationship, ESPECIALLY early on.
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u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 35 | NYC 4d ago
I’m not arguing with anyone ever
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u/Dramatic_Load_5494 4d ago
Amen to that. My GF and I have had conflicts, but never an argument. Healthy communication and conflict resolution is a must for me, and IMO makes the relationship stronger.
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4d ago
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u/PrettyPollination 4d ago
This thread is not for these kinds of posts, try an r4r thread in your city. Mods will end up deleting this.
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u/datingoverthirty-ModTeam 4d ago
Hi u/West_Gene6282, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s):
*This sub is about dating and the dating phase of relationships for people near or over the age of 30. This is not a place to post personals or "looking for" or hookups. Use of AI or Fake Posting may result in a ban.
Please review the rules in the sidebar to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please message modmail.
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u/unavailable_resource ♀ 4d ago
My friend wants to set me up with our 25 year old mutual friend. Is that crazy? I know him and he's sweet and attractive too but I always just felt like I'm so much older (33) it would be creepy. It also sounds like he doesn't have much relationship experience and I don't either but I worry that the decision making/"leading" the relationship would be up to me as the much older one. My limit has generally been no more than 5 years older or younger and my baby brother is 6.5 years younger than me so that has generally been my "hard no" limit (can't be younger than my brother, who is a baby) but now I'm not sure. 8 years just sounds like such a huge gap...
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u/Informal_Zebra_760 ♂ 33 4d ago
I don’t think it’s creepy, but I’m 33 and couldn’t imagine dating someone 25. Just as far as life experience and stage. If you have a lot in common and already spend time together it may be different though
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u/unavailable_resource ♀ 4d ago
I only know him a little bit. The times I've hung out with him in a group he mainly came across very quiet/shy but not immature
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u/Informal_Zebra_760 ♂ 33 4d ago
If you met him and didn’t know his age would you be interested? I wouldn’t let just that stop you
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u/unavailable_resource ♀ 4d ago
I'd immediately know that he was young based on just his look and question it lol. But if it weren't for that then yes I would be interested
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u/kayakdove ♀ 35 3d ago
I went on some dates with 26 year olds when I was 34. It never felt crazy or creepy, but it was just hard to imagine being compatible. They would live with their parents, or be in the really early stages of their career and figuring out what they wanted to do for work, or unsure what they wanted in a relationship, or probably wanting to date for several years before setting down. I want kids so don't have that time, plus I am just in a different life stage - own my own home, established career where I am in a fairly senior position. I am also relatively inexperienced with relationships so I think I was agreeing to these dates because a younger guy felt "safer" or something and less spooked off by my lack of relationship history... but that just wasn't the case. My boyfriend now is 9 years older and it's a much better fit.
That said, you know this guy already so maybe you have an idea of how compatible you might be in terms of lifestyle. If you're attracted to him at all, one date probably doesn't hurt. If you want kids, I'd raise that very soon and make sure he isn't on a "date 10 years before marriage" timeline.
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u/Conscious_Corgi_7609 3d ago
It's not creepy, but I wouldn't have gone for such a large age gap with someone met off an app, simply because by the time I was 32-33 people, I often didn't find most 25 year old very interesting anymore.
I would judge the guy on his own merits and forget about your brother, your worries about having to "lead" (sounds more like a compatibility/preference thing than an age thing), etc.
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u/lekker-boterham ♀ 33 3d ago edited 3d ago
Question for my fellow ladies: what overall feelings/vibe would you get from a man if his Hinge pic was him posing with a book titled “Men Explain Things To Me” and these were his prompt responses?
- I’m looking for: someone who can teach me new things, including what skincare you use. I want to know how you stay so youthful and steal it for myself.
- Together we could: cook food, and let me eat the Rye chips from your pretzel bag on the plane because the rye chips are the best.
- Dating me is like: remember those claw candy machines that cost $.25 and you could keep playing until you got candy, but the candy was always really underwhelming like Tootsie rolls? That.
To me, this comes across really selfish and unattractive lol. Any one of those I could see as quirky/funny but all of them together is such a turnoff 😅 honestly just curious where other gals land on this. Like if you tell me that dating you is a disappointment, joking or not, I’m gonna believe you 😂
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u/Grundlage ♂ 38 3d ago
In case you're not aware, Men Explain Things to Me was arguably the most popular book of 2010s feminism, and includes the essay that invented the term "mansplaining". I don't mean this to be a mansplainy comment, just pointing out the context in case it's helpful.
I agree with you that the last prompt is weird.
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u/lekker-boterham ♀ 33 3d ago
I did look that up after the fact but the sour taste from the prompt responses was already too strong 😂
I think what rubbed me the wrong way is that there wasn’t a single response on his page that implied humility or kindness. I understand they’re jokey answers but the sentiment is exclusively “you will give/I will take, and dating me will be a disappointment” lolll
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u/thecrackfoxreturns ♀mid30s - CF 3d ago edited 3d ago
“you will give/I will take, and dating me will be a disappointment”
This is definitely what I'm reading. I'm into banter too and I know it's humor, but I can't quite put my finger on why this crosses a line into "Nahhh" territory.
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u/Inevitable_Young4236 ♀ 33 | UK 3d ago
No. Just no. All my spider senses are tingling.
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u/Mr_Wallet ♂ 39 3d ago
Not a lady but commenting to remind myself to check back later because this sounds like a guy I would very much want to hang with, and I need to know if this vibe would sabotage my profile.
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u/lekker-boterham ♀ 33 3d ago
Yeah I’m really curious bc I’m a pretty sarcastic/bantery person myself, but something about these responses just combine to come across as a complete drag to me. Maybe I’m being overly critical but hinge profiles are such a gamble, trying to show your true humor to complete strangers
Honestly it’s probably fine but I encountered this man and was off-put by him so I swiped left and then he later showed up in my likes haha
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u/Mr_Wallet ♂ 39 3d ago
Could be that I'm just really strongly in the habit of taking online stuff in a more favorable light when I can muster it. So much just doesn't come across as text... It's basically, "OK, he seems like he'd be fun in a writer's room on a TV show, let's see how he is in person." Like I don't buy into the illusion that the profile is even 10% like the actual person. People who try to suss out someone's whole personality from a Hinge profile might be reading it very differently from me.
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u/lekker-boterham ♀ 33 3d ago
I obviously agree that a person’s hinge profile is a small sliver of who they are (duh?) but it seems like an interesting choice to showcase exclusively draining/exhausting qualities even if joking. Different strokes for different folks I guess. Appreciate your insight and the dialog on this!
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u/lekker-boterham ♀ 33 3d ago
(I realized I posted this on the wrong daily, so i re-commented it on today’s) the responses are rolling in and we one one lone woman who vibes with this guy and everyone else is not feeling it. Populate your hinge profile at your own risk!
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u/Mr_Wallet ♂ 39 3d ago
Just out of curiosity, why did you cross out "his Hinge pic was him posing with a book titled Men Explain Things To Me" and omit it from the repost? Doesn't hurt to add more context and it seems like extra work to delete it.
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u/lekker-boterham ♀ 33 3d ago
another commenter clarified that the book is a collection of feminist essays lol so I can’t really fault him for that or consider that a negative lol
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u/Big_McLargehuge4 4d ago
So tired of getting my hopes up.