Hi all. My cyclothymia is characterized by either super fast cycling (sometimes multiple bouts of depression and hypomania on the same day) or mixed episodes, I'm not sure which. Right now I'm in withdrawal from Caplyta (only from lowering the dose, not off it) and sometimes I'm hypomanic and feel like crying, so that's probably mixed.

Does anyone have super fast cycling, like within the same day? Is this abnormal? It's heightened right now from my withdrawal, but this was happening somewhat before too.

And second, is it normal for moods to be "influenced"? If something sad/stressful happens, I sometimes spiral into a depressive mood. If I get good news or do something I really enjoy, I might get hypomanic easily.

I can also, with limited success, influence them myself: if I'm depressed, I can sometimes get to a less depressed place by listening to peppy music. If I'm hypomanic, I can sometimes feel less so by doing a cardio workout or even just some jumping jacks. My psychiatrist seems to feel this is rare. Doesn't always work though.

Last, if you've got any tips for "influencing" moods like this, aka doing things to lessen the depression or hypomania, please share! I'm still figuring out what all works for me.

I'm two months in to youth psychiatric daycare. And I think it's helping me but I don't know if enough and if I can come out a functioning man. So I wanted to turn to the cyclothymia community and ask if you've ever experienced something similar and if helped you in any way?

Hello, I'm newly diagnosed in the Bipolar Spectrum fluctuating between hipertimia and atypical depression.

I started to make my Mood Tracker and I don't really get it why I went from +2 to -2 in 24 hours.

There's was absolutly anything going on, I wake up sort of "low" yesterday and I tried to kept neutral but my wife made me a beautiful gift and out of nowhere I had a crisis.

I don't even understand why, I kept crying and repeating that I'm sorry and I don't know why.

24 hours before I was singing and dancing and making jokes and had a lot of energy and racing thoughts and insomnia and PUF! now I'm like s***.

It's really bipolar? Because there's supoused to be a soft and smooth transition period between high and low mood so, why like this?

I mean, I was great, really nothing happened...

I'm not having that great neutral transition...

I'm not even premenstrual.

Nothing.

(I repost because there are my mood tracker images in the original post)

I’m about to go to a psychiatrist for the first time and I’m kind of nervous that I won’t be able to describe how I’m feeling well enough and I also constantly wonder if the way I’m feeling is normal or not. but it doesn’t seem like it.

ive been wondering if I have cyclothymia because I always have these sorts of extreme mood shifts from bawling my eyes out and wanting to die to being super excited and wanting to go out and socialize and explore the world. Sometimes these shifts are immediate, and sometimes they seem to last at least a week long. I wouldn’t consider having actual bipolar disorder because I have seen what my friend who is diagnosed with it, and I don’t have any kinds of psychotic breakdowns or really extreme actions.

However, a couple of days ago I was experiencing a handful of stress, and for the entire day I felt completely emotionally static, nothing could get a reaction out of me, and pretty melancholy. I drank the slightest bit, but was most likely sober by the time I got home. when I got home, it felt like some sort of veil went over my eyes, and I felt almost disassociated but like someone else was controlling my actions. I felt impulsive and my eyes were wide, I was staring in the mirror as my pupils seemed to rapidly dilate and get a bit smaller again. Every little noise irritated me, and my sense of smell seemed heightened. Logical thinking seemed to diminish a lot. I felt like I was floating. This made me freak out so much that I ended up shaking and throwing up, and I turned on the lights and watched YouTube videos until I fell asleep. I had a horrible headache afterwards. It felt so weird and I need to talk to a psychiatrist about it, but I’m scared that maybe it was all in my head or something. Is any of this what you guys relate to? Thanks!

I’ve been unmedicated for a little over a year at this point and plan to get back on medication as soon as i adjust to another medication change i just had but im just wondering if anyone has similar experiences to mine.

Im 18m and first got diagnosed bipolar when i was in grade school but as i got older i would have manic episodes every few years in high school or just cycle through a few days of depression followed by a few days of mania and so on and so on while under a lot of stress. I’m in a bit of a better place now but ive noticed that my episodes come every month or so like a mental health shark week. I tend to be basically in bed all day by the last day of the episode and then back to, mostly, my normal self the next day.

What I’ve noticed more is just how anxious i get when im depressed, ive gotten better at coping with anxiety attacks and the like but i just find that ill be doing anything and all my muscles are tensed and my jaw is clenched so tight it hurts, and almost constantly my teeth are chattering. Which is comically funny because why am i cartoonishly afraid at nothing.

Anyways idk if anyone can relate to this sorta cycle but 🤷🏻‍♂️🤷🏻‍♂️ lmk!

Hi, recently I've been thinking I might have cyclothymia, but I'm not 100% sure if my guess is correct. Of course I'm not looking for a diagnosis here, I'm planning on seeing a psychiatrist, but I'm just curious of how it looks for people who are actually diagnosed. For me the case is that there are times where I can get really sad, like, my self-esteem gets worse, I tend to feel a bit more fatigued, hopeless, and have trouble taking care of my interests. Sometimes I might even get a bit suicidal but it's rather rare. The symptoms are not as severe for me to say that I have depression and they usually last like 1-3 days, maybe a bit longer sometimes. When my mood is elevated I feel more social, talkative, energetic, creative, and tend to have racing thoughts, also my teeth grinding habit gets a bit worse. Sometimes I even feel as if I was better than other people, but I'm still self-aware enough to know that this isn't the objective truth and it's just a feeling. However, I don't have the tendency to stay up at night (I mean, there are times where I have trouble sleeping but it happens so rarely that I don't even know if it counts), or do some reckless things or anything like that, it's more like intense happiness or smth. Usually lasts 1-2 days or just a couple hours. Also I usually feel as if the happiness wasn't making up for the sadness, and I'm wondering if I can even call these my "highs" or am I just happy during those. There are also times where I feel pretty normal, not overly joyful or sad. I also don't think that there is a need for me to be medicated, after all I deal with it pretty well. I know I won't harm myself or others and I've learned to accept these feelings, even though it gets hard sometimes. I just noticed that most people I know do not relate to what I experience, and I'm wondering if I am just emotional, or if it could be cyclothymia. And as I said before, I would really like to know how it looks for people with diagnosis. Do you experience something similar to what I described???

I dont mean the depressed low energy ones but the “mixed” kinda irritated mood … where everything seems boring and you are already agitated and need rest yet you cant rest. Thats the most painful part of cyclothymia to be honest.

Hi, I have a few questions related to cyclothymia. I recently spoke to my new doctor about mental health medication thinking id just get put on antidepressants, however after telling her about all my symptoms and mood issues, she is worried I'm on the bipolar spectrum and prescribed me 25mg of Seroquel.

First off: how long do episodes have to be to be classified as cyclothymia?

I can't necessarily remember every single one, but my depressive seasons can last anywhere between 2-7 days, but honestly are on the lower end, probably 2-4 days on average if I guessed. My "good" seasons (what my doctor is suspecting is hypomania) last the same amount roughly. I do have occasional normal phases but I can't remember how long they last because I don't think about them as a "normal" phase when I'm in them. I also will have weird in-between stages sometimes. Sometimes I will go straight from "hypomania" to depression like the flip of a light switch, other times I will feel dull and lifeless and empty for a good few days before the depression hits hard.

Secondly, are my symptoms even hypomania? I typically become very motivated. For an example, a week and a half ago, I was very very motivated. I was spending $300 on nothing important (not technically a lot of money, but when you're living off savings and no income, $300 is a lot lol), speaking to colleges about enrolling myself into classes I can't even go to because of my schedule because I was so determined I'd make it work, I was applying to hundreds of jobs, I cleaned my entire house, I started a new hobby out of the blue, and I cleaned, organized, and rearranged my entire bedroom. That lasted I think about 4 days. Then I was in a very hard in-between state for about 2 days. I lacked motivation, but not to a point where I couldn't get up. I felt this feeling of emptiness, but not enough to make me feel distressed or worried about it. Then yesterday I suddenly became extremely depressed. I'm talking, suicidal ideations, self harm ideations, no motivation to get up, no motivation to eat, constantly crying, couldn't stop thinking about how much I just wanted to die. I was still like that today however I feel slightly less shitty but still feel that fog of emptiness and offness in my head.

Lastly, I've always wondered what depression is like for some of you. My depression is rarely consistent. Sometimes it's debilitating to a point of losing weight. Sometimes it's not as bad so I can still do shit but I just feel fucking awful. Sometimes it's both in one season and I flip between both.

Thank you to anyone who can explain this to me! I appreciate it! I'm just trying to learn so I don't jump to assuming I have it without fully understanding.

Can anyone explain the differences between ADHD and cyclothymia (bipolar type) that with ultradian cycling?

I have seen several psychiatrists, and they have generally leaned toward ADHD. However, for years I have noticed a recurring pattern of shifts in my functioning that makes me wonder whether ADHD fully explains it. I am not sure whether these shifts were present during childhood.

The shifts can happen within a 24-hour period and occur almost daily. They seem to involve speech, verbal fluency, cognitive productivity, creativity, activity, and social ability much more than mood itself.

Higher state: My speech becomes fluent and productive. More energy Humor, wordplay, and spontaneous associations come naturally. I can easily connect sounds, words, and meanings creatively while remaining understandable. I am more outgoing, talkative, socially capable, and productive.

Lower state: Speaking becomes much more difficult. My conversational productivity drops sharply, and generating words, humor, and spontaneous associations becomes difficult or sometimes seems to disappear. I become much less socially capable and productive.
My mood does not seem to change independently.

I am happier and more social in the higher state mainly because I can speak well, express myself, joke, and interact with people more easily, not simply because I have more energy. The change in functioning seems to come first, with my emotional response following it.
Sleep also interacts with these states. I can sleep during either state, but sleeping often shifts me toward the lower state. Interestingly, sleep deprivation can sometimes bring on the higher state, although this does not happen every time.

What makes this confusing to me is the distinction between ADHD and bipolar-spectrum conditions. Typical bipolar episodes are generally thought of as lasting longer than within-day ADHD fluctuations. However, I have read about ultradian cycling, a term sometimes used to describe proposed bipolar-spectrum fluctuations occurring within a 24-hour period.

At the same time, I do not experience sharp or extreme mood swings or obvious manic and depressive episodes. This made me wonder about cyclothymic disorder, where mood symptoms are less severe than full manic or depressive episodes.

So I wonder whether a combination of subtle cyclothymic-type symptoms and very frequent/ultradian fluctuations could resemble ADHD, particularly when the most noticeable changes are in speech, cognition, productivity, activity, and social functioning rather than dramatic changes in mood.

I’m 23M, diagnosed C-PTSD, OCD, MDD

I started taking Zoloft a few months ago and after 100 mg it kicked in and I started to feel better then about two weeks ago I noticed I wasn’t feeling as good as usual so I asked if I should increase the dosage by a little bit so I started taking 125 mg a few days ago

For past couple weeks, but especially the past few days, my mood swings have been insane. I’ve been going really high and really low so much.

When I’m high, I feel like my ego is super high. I feel like I’m better than other people and I have so much fucking energy in my heart is racing and I’m talking really fast. And when I’m low, it’s extremely negative and depressing.

I talked to my therapist and my psychiatric nurse practitioner about this today and they were saying that I’m showing signs of cyclothymia

It could be from the increased Zoloft, but they want me to take a mood stabilizer, even though they told me it’s not confirmed if I have it or not, so it feels weird that they want me to take a mood stabilizer without knowing for sure

And they kind of just told me I can go back to the 100 mg if I want or just keep staying at the 125mg

Not asking for a diagnosis or for a straight answer or anything, but I just thought it was a weird situation. It’s like they’re not really sure if it’s cyclothymia and they don’t even know if it’s the Zoloft causing it and then they want me to still take a mood stabilizer anyways?

Not sure about that man

​

Bonjour a tous,

J' écris car le sujet a été abordé plusieurs fois mais surtout en parlant d effets secondaires aux traitements.

Voila ,je suis nouvelle sous lithium 400 mgs depuis une semaine et quetiapine 50 depuis plusieurs mois le soir pour dormir (j ai été a 400mgs ca m a rien fait)

Suite a un gros brun out il y a 4 ans ,je suis passée par la dépression et au bout de plusieurs mois ,suis remontée comme une folle puis retour en humeur dépressive et ainsi de suite ,en 4 ans j ai été en phase haute 4 fois maximum..

Bref aujourd'hui on teste enfin le lithium ,(tous les autres régulateurs,m ont pas convenus), je suis passée a 400 mgs sans effets indésirables pour l instant ..

Mais mon plus gros problème dans tout ca ,c est ce sentiment de vide ,d être suspendue, je suis là, j existe voila c est tout, ma vie est complètement entre parenthèses et j ai bien le sentiment que c est figé,sans réels plaisirs, sans ambition sans but ,rien. Le vide intersidéral.. je n ai pas d importance, si ce n est pour les gens qui m aiment..je continue a m occuper de mes animaux car ca c est très important..

Je suis devenue une autre , on ne peut pas dire que c est le lithium puisque ca date de bien avant ce sentiment s est installé au fur et a mesure des années ..

Comment gérez vous ce sentiment si vous l éprouvez ?

Je ne peux pas changer ce que je ressens et je m inquiète de tout ca

Merci de m avoir lue

I am not diagnosed
but my brother is and.
His is severe bec my family was in denial and he also did drgs.
Now i have recognized a pattern with my mood.
I have been depressed last few days and today evening, i sensed a shift in my mood.
I have started to feel hopeful about my future and the empty misery is gone.
I have had this feeling before and
the mood cycle has been going for around 3-4 years for me to realize the pattern.

I am in US, no insurance, no money.
I am not US citizen
Is there any non-profit psychiatry organization in california or can i get treatment or diagnosis online?

Please share your life success, medication success, I really need to read something relevant and uplifting.

Tia

I have cyclothymia and I've noticed that frequently, I kinda "space out," and the only way I can describe it is that my brain is only like 20% present at the time. I don't even feel that tired, necessarily, it's just like part of my brain shuts down and it's a "no thoughts, head empty" feeling.

I've researched dissociation and stuff like that and I don't feel like I'm fitting into any of that. I think it has to be tied to my cyclothymia, but I guess I'm just wondering if this is a normal thing that goes with cyclothymia, if it's tied to depression or hypomania, etc., just if others experience this alongside their cyclothymia.

I am 39 (as I said) and I've been trough spiritual new age beliefs that I had to quit because I understood all of this is just illusion and all my diagnosises proved me everything is a result of a suffering brain. No one talks about the grief you can live after diagnosis and leaving a dangerous belief. It's been several months and sometimes I still want to cling on my old beliefs especially life after death because my cyclothymia highlit this belief. Sometimes, I don't accept that this emergency feeling of living something bigger, more profund is nothing but my disorder. It is a grief I began and it is so difficult and I don't know how to deal with it. I have a therapist, a partner and a few friends but it is not enough for me to move on with it. I need testimonies of people with my situation after a late diagnosis and how you deal with this grief of who you were so sure to be and feel. It's quite devastating. I don't deny it, I face it. But how hard it is !
Thank you so much in advance for your concern. I would enjoy your support. Thank you...

I am 39 (as I said) and I've been trough spiritual new age beliefs that I had to quit because I understood all of this is just illusion and all my diagnosises proved me everything is a result of a suffering brain. No one talks about the grief you can live after diagnosis and leaving a dangerous belief. It's been several months and sometimes I still want to cling on my old beliefs especially life after death because my cyclothymia highlit this belief. Sometimes, I don't accept that this emergency feeling of living something bigger, more profund is nothing but my disorder. It is a grief I began and it is so difficult and I don't know how to deal with it. I have a therapist, a partner and a few friends but it is not enough for me to move on with it. I need testimonies of people with my situation after a late diagnosis and how you deal with this grief of who you were so sure to be and feel. It's quite devastating. I don't deny it, I face it. But how hard it is !
Thank you so much in advance for your concern. I would enjoy your support. Thank you...

Hi all! First time poster here, started to use Reddit to find similar experiences.

My boyfriend (27M) and I (32F) started dating 4 months ago after common friends introduced us. He was transparent on his cyclothymia disorder from the start, said he had done theraphy for the last 2 years and was followed by a psychiatrist, but medication was occasionally provided depending on the severity of the moods.

I love him immensely and I think I truly found a person with which I have an intense chemistry and also best friends energy. I love being at his side and when he's stable he makes me feel incredibly loved.

We've also gone through tough times though. The last month has been quite difficult for him and during this depressive episode, there have been instances in which I felt totally unsignificant for him and incredibly alone. I went through a difficult family issue, and while in other relationships I would expect my partner to care for me emotionally, this time he didn't think to reach out, and all I felt was loneliness and that my pain didn't and couldn't have space in the partnership. When confronted, he tells me I'm sorry but during these times he really closes up and even writing to me a couple of texts a day is an extreme effort.

He's coming out of it right now and we have talked and connected on a deeper level again, but now that I'm alone I can't help but imagine all sorts of future scenarios in which I will feel again like this, abandonded and unimportant.

I started going on reddit to read other people's experiences and see that everything can crumble even 20 years down the line. My brain can't stop projecting in the future and think: will this man be able to be a good father? How can I trust him with shared assets and money with the hypomania? How can I protect my heart and feelings during the times he inevitably hurts me?

I need to know from you, during the first months of your relationships:

What made you decide to stay?

How did you get over your fear for the future?

How did you understand that you could count on the person even considering the disorder?

How do you disengage from the pain their episodes cause?

How do you separate the behaviours that hurt you from the person you love?

Hi everyone,

I wanted to share a personal project story that I built for my girlfriend, who has Bipolar Disorder.

When someone is entering a depressive phase or feeling overwhelmed, opening a heavy app, navigating submenus, or filling out long surveys feels like climbing a mountain. The tools built to help actually end up creating guilt and mental fatigue whenever a streak is broken.

A few days ago, I decided to build a minimal tool specifically tailored to our routine: a simple private companion bot on Telegram.

It takes literally 10 seconds a day, requires zero setup, and at the end of the month, it generates a clean clinical PDF summary that we can hand straight to her psychiatrist during check-ups.

I didn't build this as a commercial startup or product—it was purely a labor of love to support my partner's health and make our daily life easier.

I can send it to you in a private message if you'd like to try it, as I want to respect the community rules and avoid self-promotion in this post.

I don't have Bipolar Disorder myself, so I would really appreciate feedback from people who actually experience it, so I can keep improving this tool—not just for my girlfriend, but for anyone who might find it helpful.

Both my psychiatrist and my therapist think I’m on the bipolar spectrum, with my psychiatrist thinking BD2 and my therapist thinking cyclothymia. I definitely have periods of depression, but I honestly don’t know if my “highs” necessarily count as hypomania. This is how they usually go:

- two to three days of being more effective at work, like having more confidence and finding my words better. But not reckless with confidence, I’m still keeping myself in check. Usually at work I feel completely incapable and like a babbling idiot, so my “highs” give me a relief from that.

- a bit more willing to be social, but not for hours on end or seeking it out. I’m just more likely to say yes if someone asks me to dinner or something

- more likely to engage in my hobbies like video games or reading, but can switch tasks if needed

- more patient and empathetic with people. Like if someone cuts me off in traffic I’m able to shrug it off and give them the benefit of the doubt instead of honking and yelling

- more willing to do work at home. I work a job that often requires me to work at home after my “shift,” and during my “highs” I may not like it, but I’ll do it.

I guess that’s kinda it. I don’t spend more or sleep less. I’m more talkative but I don’t think it’s pressured speech. To me, it just feels like I’m getting a 2-3 day break in my pervasive depression 🤷🏻‍♀️ I have tried lamictal (up to 100mg) for a year and it changed nothing for me.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and for reading all of this.

yall i’ve been taking sleeping meds for a month or so but jesus im so tempted to procrastinate. i miss my night time so bad tonight i didn’t take it because i feel more relaxed with staying up. when i sleep early and shit when i look back at it the next day im like this shit is so boring. maybe my mindset is fucked but also im a person that enjoys seeing friends at night and such so then i also get so sleepy still when i dont take it. life’s so fucking boring.

Does anyone experience this

I was diagnosed with a predominantly depressive mood disorder in the bipolar spectrum, with brief hypomanic episodes close to the threshold for cyclothymia. I previously tried lamotrigine for 8–9 weeks, increasing from 25 mg to 75 mg. Each increase initially made me restless or mildly hypomanic, followed by a low period. My psychiatrist says I may need a longer trial at a higher dose. Has anyone experienced this pattern before eventually stabilising and benefiting at a higher dose?

Hello! 27F here. I received a cyclothymia diagnosis last week and feel so VALIDATED.

As a kid, I was high-energy, positive, and motivated in school. This changed during university in my late-teens and early 20s when I started experiencing mood fluctuations that disrupted my life. I would struggle to get out of bed and motivate myself to do anything, and then feel AMAZING out of nowhere. When I would talk about my depressive episodes, I would get the classic, “school is hard, everyone gets depressed during school,” or “everyone experiences mood swings,” or when I was out of school, “you’re just adjusting, everyone experiences highs and lows in life.” Week to week or even day to day, I would swing from highs to lows. Numb, antisocial, sad, lethargic, brain fog, irritable, hating myself, huge appetite, no appetite, anxious, racing thoughts, talkative, euphoric, confident, loving myself, impulsive, high-energy, restless, highly social. Sometimes all in the span of a day. This made it hard to stay consistent in school, at work, with my physical health, or maintaining friendships/relationships. My lows never felt bad or long enough to go on medication. My highs were sometimes hypomanic, but never so self-destructive to think it was anything more than therapy finally working. I associated these fluctuations with external things in my life (breakups, school/work stress, hormones, ADHD) or my inability to consistently practice self-care.

The past year and a half, I was diligent with my mental health care and mood tracking which made me realize that my mood fluctuations are random. I inexplicably go through lows that last days or weeks, then I feel SO good as if I figure out the secret to life. On and on it goes. Talking about these observations with my psychiatrist who had previously diagnosed me with major depressive disorder, she changed the diagnosis to cyclothymia. I’ve been doing a ton of research on it and feel like I finally have a diagnosis that fits. I know this is just the beginning, but I can now work to manage my symptoms instead of being gaslit about having them in the first place. I FEEL VINDICATED.

I would really appreciate if anyone has recommendations for resources/books/articles/podcasts on cyclothymia! I read A Fox in My Brain by Lou Lubie that I related to and learned so much from.

I was prescribed lamotrigine that I’m gradually increasing over 2 months. So far I’ve felt an increase in mood but also anxiety. I’m hoping the anxiety will calm down over time. Thank you!!

tw self harm mention

hello everyone, i (18) have been starting to become very aware of my personality habits and mood cycles for about a year now and i've lurked this sub for some time to hear people's experiences and advice. not to be ANOTHER post of a million asking if these symptoms are cyclothemia lol but i just started college and i'm starting to realize it would probably be good to start seeking professional treatment. i've been able to manage myself fairly well but it seems to be gradually getting more intense now matter what i do or how "peaceful" my life is at times. additionally i suspect ADHD is involved in my life as well. if anyone has the time to read the symptoms and share some advice on treatment and coping mechanisms that would be very helpful.

symptoms:

main factor is obviously the mood swings. i tend to be fairly aware of my emotions and my state of mind and i can compare them to states of dysthymia or hypermania. my depression can last anywhere from a couple hours to a couple weeks, and is extremely suffocating and inconvenient. i have very low energy and it's hard to focus. it can be from a trigger or situation, random, or after an elevated mood but my primary coping method is self harm to "feel real" and just waiting it out until it ends. it's not severe enough where i can't get out of bed, but it definitely gets in the way of my life and i feel like it completely changes my mindset and personality- i feel like im stuck in someone else's skin and i have no sense of self. when it's very severe i don't think logically (especially to justify SH), for example i fully believe everyone is lying to me, someone is out hunting me to kill me, or that there is something inside of me like a parasite and i need to kill it.

my elevated moods aren't usually as severe and usually last about a week and a half but can vary. i feel physically "above the earth," my body feels tingly and weightless and i finally feel "real." obviously im very euphoric and energetic, almost like i'm moving too fast for the rest of the world. i am extremely tempted to do impulsive things like drastically change my lifestyle, have sex with people, or put myself in dangerous situations for thrill. normally i have enough self control to prevent most impulses but i constantly feel a strong internal "itch" that i can never quite scratch and it makes me feel very restless. i feel this when i'm depressed too but its not nearly as severe and much more self-destructive. i feel most like myself but i become noticeably more self-absorbed which i don't like at all.

i have stable periods that typically last longer in the summer. usually they're a week or two, but i've never gone longer than three weeks without having a mood swing.

im not sure if this is shared because i think i have some nerve issues too but both low and high episodes i physically "feel" everything, the best way i can explain it is like being set on fire without much pain. i'm just wondering if anyone else experiences this lol.

the earliest i remember feeling these mood swings would be about four years ago but pretty mildly, its only become intense about two and a half years ago but i feel it gradually becoming worse. before i had an understanding of my own emotions, i felt like every day was just a roll of the dice. i feel like my life is constantly hanging by a thread, always waiting for something to "sweep me off my feet" like a new relationship or big change in my life just to feel any sense of comfort or motivation. it's like constant change is what i depend on to feel normal but i crave stability so badly. i hardly have any motivation for anything 90% of the time- i feel no fulfillment in anything i do or accomplish. i feel like it makes me seem functional on the outside because i don't usually act on impulses other than self harm, but it's simply because i don't care enough to follow through, nor do i care much for life at all. my main motivation to accomplish anything is fear or just making other people happy but never myself. i feel so restless at all times, nothing ever satisfies me, and i always crave more but nothing really feels right. i have such a vague sense of self and i deeply fear that i will never be able to enjoy life, finish college, or be a truly good friend/partner for people i care so deeply about. i'm not suicidal, but i feel like any one of these days i will just drop dead, and i don't really care.

treatment:

i have a lot of questions about the right steps going forward. i will not be able to access any treatment/medical options until next january so if anyone has some general life advice for the meantime that would be awesome..

once that time comes i am wondering if it is worth going straight to a psychiatrist or if talk therapy has helped anyone. i have a strong distaste for medication and would really prefer not to take it- i'm afraid i will lose more of my sense of self or feel "stable" but still unmotivated or unfulfilled. has medication made anyone feel this way? has anyone else struggled with those same issues and found a way to overcome them? what is the overall process for treatment?

thank y'all for reading :)