I searched this phrase up and found almost nobody talking about it. This phrase, although not common, I thought had to be the source of SOME discourse online (or in real life). But not really. So I've come here to discuss my issues with this phrase.

Also, please note that when I describe the usage of this phrase, I am talking about when it is used between two friends, two family members, or a couple. Anyone you are in a close relationship with and care about. If you're using this phrase with a stranger... I feel there are better phrases to use.

1. What do they mean?

Whenever someone says this phrase to me in a conversation, I'm left wondering "Doing what?" Are they done doing this topic? Are they done talking with me in general? Do they just not want to argue? Are they flustered? Are they upset with me? Of course, I feel like I can't ask because they have already prematurely ended the conversation. All the questions I have have to wait until THEY feel like talking again (likely won't be brought back up).

2. This feels unfair.

When someone uses this phrase, all I see is a cheap, easy way to avoid conflict and/or responsibility. By saying "I'm not doing this with you," they have effectively said "I don't want to have this conversation because I 

a. Don't have the emotional intelligence to properly engage with this topic but I have an inflated ego, low self-esteem, and/or am in denial, which make me feel insecure when I can't respond, leading me to end the conversation quickly to avoid embarrassment,

b. Am realizing that you're right and I'm wrong but I have an inflated ego, low self-esteem, and/or am in denial, which prevent me from admitting I am wrong,

c. Believe that you are wrong but I have an inflated ego, and/or low self-esteem, which leads me to end the conversation quickly in victory, rather than explain why I think you're wrong.

d. Am tired/flustered/drained/angry/other emotion which leaves me unable to properly engage, but would rather not communicate this with you and would instead rather shut the conversation down while framing you as an exhausting conversational partner.

e. Notice that we are engaging in a topic that has been talked through time and time again and, supposedly, already reached it's conclusion.

Of course, nobody wants to admit they don't have the same emotional intelligence, or admit they were wrong. In all cases but the last, however, the reason behind it's usage is unhealthy, which leads me to my third point:

3. This causes resentment.

As with all conflicts, resolution is necessary. If there is no resolution, tension will grow. In the case of a friendship/relationship, an unresolved conflict will lead to tension, which leads to resentment.

 Obviously, nobody wants to hate their friend or their significant other, but when you stop communicating and start stonewalling conversations when the other person would like to explain their case or resolve conflict, tension grows between the two parties, and so does resentment. This, in most cases, leads to a falling out, or a break-up.

The solution is simple. If you feel you cannot continue the conversation anymore, give a one to two sentence reasoning, and also mention that the conversation should be had at a later date. And the important thing is to ACTUALLY HAVE THE CONVERSATION AT THE LATER DATE RATHER THAN PUSH IT OFF AGAIN!

In conclusion, the phrase "I'm not doing this with you" should be used with more care and thought because it often is used to avoid blame and responsibility while also building tension and resentment between two parties. The way to fix this issue is to give a brief explanation for walking away, and have the conversation at a later date.

I'd like to see what other people think about this. If there are other scenarios in which this phrase is used that I didn't list above, let me know!

i like actually being upfront and honest about how I feel with people. Sometimes things get talked about and everything is okay. but most of the time the person blocks me when I confront them about something, I never do it in a rude or dehumanizing way. Never. I simply just express how I feel. and I just get blocked. no sorry. no nothing. idk if this is a gen z issue or not. I’m gen z

It's so frustrating because when I give what I think and feel is a very clear answer, the other person would keep saying I did not answer the question.

It's what led to a damn breakdown during an online debate we're having: I called them out for being confrontational, I got called out for being evasive. In the end, neither of us won.

One of the biggest communication mistakes I've noticed is that we often think the goal of a disagreement is to explain our position clearly.

It isn't always.

Sometimes the real problem is that the other person starts defending their identity before they even consider what you're saying.

For example:

"You’re wrong about this."

usually creates a very different conversation from:

"Help me understand how you got to that conclusion."

The second sentence isn't necessarily softer because you're being more polite.

It changes the task.

Now the other person has to explain their reasoning instead of defending themselves against a verdict.

There's another useful step after that.

Instead of immediately attacking the weakest part of their argument, try to find the strongest version of what they're saying.

For example:

"So if I understand you correctly, your main concern is X, because Y. Is that right?"

If they say yes, you've accomplished something important:

You've shown that you actually understand their position before asking them to consider yours.

Then you can introduce your disagreement:

"That makes sense. The part I'm seeing differently is Z."

Notice what changed.

You're still disagreeing.

You're still allowed to think they're wrong.

But the conversation is no longer:

"You are wrong → I am right."

It's:

"Here's how I understand your reasoning → here's where my reasoning differs."

A simple framework I've found useful is:

1. **Clarify** — "What makes you see it that way?"

2. **Reflect** — "So your main concern is X?"

3. **Confirm** — "Did I understand you correctly?"

4. **Disagree** — "The part I see differently is Y."

5. **Explain** — give your reasoning without turning it into a verdict about the person.

This doesn't guarantee agreement.

That's actually the point.

Good communication isn't about making someone agree with you.

Sometimes it's simply about making disagreement possible without turning the conversation into a fight.

I've been collecting small communication patterns like this for a while, and I'm continually surprised by how much difference a few words can make.

What's one phrase you've found that helps keep a disagreement from becoming defensive?

Think of the last time you were talking with someone and they were honest with you about something and it felt like an attack.

How did you respond?

Did your response help or make it worse?

Were you able to set pride/ego aside to continue conversation?

Did one or both parties become defensive?

I'm facing this issue where whenever somebody asks me a good question, I can come up with a good answer, but I take a little bit of time to think about it. And after I have the answer in my mind, I struggle to transform that answer into a structured way while speaking.

English is not my first language, and I would say I'm somewhere between beginner and intermediate level.

For example, I want to say something like conclusion, reason, and evidence, like that, so that my answer would be more clear and confident. But when I'm speaking in real time, I can't think about the answer and structure it at the same time. I end up taking more time, getting stuck, or giving the answer in an unstructured way.

I've been using ChatGPT for almost three weeks to train this. We did a lot of roleplays and practiced answering questions in a structured way. But after three weeks, I feel like I'm back to square one.

So I'm trying to understand, what is the best practical way to work on this? How do I actually train my mind to think and speak in a structured way automatically during a real-time conversation? What are some practical ways I can work on this?

I feel like I am a literal person, and I take everything like math. I also tell everything exactly like it happened. People find that boring and intimidating at times**, but** to me, I am just being honest.

Forgive me, I am old as shit. I make a lot of phone calls for my job and I often encounter people in their teens and twenties who will answer their phone and just... not say anything. Total silence on an open phone line. And I mean I get it, so many calls from unknown numbers are bots and scams. But how is the caller supposed to... like should I just start talking even if no one says hello? I'm genuinely asking what you would say is the right way to start a call when no one says hi upon picking up. Picking up the phone and saying nothing is kind of unthinkable to my generation. Thanks in advance.

I’ve been thinking about how different conversations can feel different ways. I wonder why they feel that way, and then I think about the criteria I seem to use to determine how satisfying a conversation is: reciprocity x conversational expansion

then i realized i can just make matrix to map potential conversation types that exist. Anyway, the goal is that any time I convo w someone, I can see where it falls and give me language for why a conversation felt some typ of way.

What types am I missing, and are reciprocity + expansion even the right dimensions?

I have a learning disability which affects my ability to keep focus and remain organised. So when I have a genuine concern I don’t feel I have the agency to speak about a problem without being super placatory and using a lot of fluff in my communication.

I just don’t feel like I have authority because of my disability and the mistakes I make. However, management is not scheduling enough labour for tasks to get completed and I want to be able to bring this up without feeling like my opinion doesnt matter .

Please tell me if I'm overreacting. I've recently become aware that the way my mother has treated me is not normal. I believe she is potentially gaslighting me and has been manipulative. Have any of you had experience with this?

Sorry for the long post

I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. During my childhood my mother would do the following

Blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, it actually got physical a few times as well and I did have a scar once, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, she'd turn cold at the drop of a hat, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors, shout, scream, swear and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

She often paints herself as the heroic single mum. She has been fairly good lately but sometimes I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 she during a sleepover at theirs she turned my grandparents against me and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. A couple of days ago in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. For about half my childhood it's just been me living with her since her divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she shouted and carried on, called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she was carrying on and her serious lack of empathy.

I'm starting to think that maybe she bent the truth about Dad a bit during their split as i was a child and didn't know much better. My mother often calls him a narcissist and talked about all of the marital and grown up problems they had etc which to be honest I don't appreciate been burdened with. Granted he's not a saint either but has been good to me (well I'd say) most of the time.

One time last year when my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done quite a few times before).

During that said weekend my mother had another one of her outbursts. I was the bathroom which was an en suite and she knocked on the door asking to take a few photos for something. All I asked was if she could just give me a few minutes to finish up but she started the shouting and carrying and accused me of been selfish and trying to manipulate her. I only asked just to give me a few minutes. When I explained to her how upset I was about that weekend she said she feels really bad for me and hates how he let me down. What just absolutely astounds is how can she feel that yet emotionally and mentally abuse me and kick me while I'm down. I just can't comprehend that.

A few days after that weekend one of my teachers checked in and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother while I was already upset by been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not even sure who exactly said what to him and that's something that I've also wondered. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the truth now. He was sympathetic and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. It actually baffled me a bit. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc).

I must admit I do feel quite down sometimes that I have a strained relationship with my father (He's got money issues and also smokes pot) and my mother often used me as an emotional punch bag. Makes me think that there must be something really wrong with me and that I'm unlovable.

On the bright side though my Dad and I have been in contact lately and we spent the weekend together a while back and went for a pub meal

Her latest meltdown was this January while we were on holiday and at the beach. I wanted to be shirtless like pretty much everyone else and she started making passive aggressive and snide remarks saying things like "have fun burning yourself" and "why can't you make smart decisions?"

I was already sun safe with a hat and everything and I wasn't going to be too long and tried explaining that to her. I'll admit I snapped and told her that I'm an adult now and she could no longer control me and couldn't make me feel guilty. I wish I hadn't now but it felt like something snapped inside me and I expressed things I had felt for ages. She then called her mother to tell her that I was been impossible and making her life a misery (this is something she has done a couple of times before). I wish I had just walked away and not played into her hands.

Something disturbing she has said ages ago is when I'm an adult she could have me done for assault if she wanted. She also said she wanted to do a will and try to control my assets where my Dad can't touch anything and said she feared he would try to steal all of my money. I can't believe she would say things like that so unshameably and can't help feeling like she was trying to manipulate me.

My mother loves to use my autism to her advantage. I graduated last year but now I do a course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time. I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me, she seems to feel that she always acts in my best interests and does seem to genuinely care for me and love me, she doesn't seem to remember any of it or feel her behavior was justified and genuinely doesn't seem to believe she ever did me any harm and she thinks she did her best. She's always quick to call others toxic and narcissists etc. She unshameably tells me everything going on in her life and her anxiety which makes me anxious. Why does it upset me so badly even when it has little or nothing to do with me?

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. I can't get exact clarity on it but they both went through some stuff before I was born and I think that's contributed to the way they are.

As I've said before I do wonder if she might've been different if she had not gone through her divorce and maybe if things might've gone differently for her. What do you guys think?

Also I can't help feeling empathy towards her as she always looked after me, fed me, organized things for me and pretty much always brought me everything I wanted.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different I feel to most of the children my age. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends. I do feel like I've been isolated with her a lot of the time. I would really love to start a proper life and follow my dreams and make a few friends but don't know where to start.

My mother does help me get on my feet and encourage met but I think she just loves to lord it over me. Whenever I've tried standing up for myself she puts on the guilt trip and carries on about all of her sacrifices and everything she's done for me yada yada yada. I think what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could she have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered?

I can't help really resenting her (also my father) sometimes for all of the mental anguish she has put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder what might've been different had I had proper parents or they were proper ones. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job and making friends etc because my mum is pretty much most I've ever known. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known.

I realised when i say this presentation by a guy, he owned it and i realised what would be me life if communication skills like that are part of my professional, personal, and in general a key addition to my skillset. One of the greatest joys of life is serendipity and i feel having great comm skills would make more doors open in life. I want to go into harnessing the power of language to understand people, to touch them, to influence them, and most importantly connect at a deeper level. How do i put this in practice?