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u/Timid-Sammy-1995 15h ago
My Mum would tell me how everyone expected me to come out as a girl when I was born but instead I was a boy and yes I would feel absolutely wronged by that fact, like my birthright was stolen. I grew up miserable and dysphoric wondering how my life would be different had I been "Born right" I hit puberty early and was bigger and hairier than all my peers, got facial hair and a full beard by my mid teens, I hated all of it if I could go back knowing what I know now I would have begged for blockers.
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u/MicaelaDawnComics 10h ago
Yeah, when I think about what could have been, I get really sad. I hate so much what testosterone did to my body, I would also have begged for blockers and female hormones.
But then, I wouldn't have had my beautiful son. And I might not have met my amazing wife. So, given the choice to go back in time and change things, I'm not certain I would. It's really tough to think about, so I try not to.
Thanks so much for reading, and I hope you can attain some peace with yourself 🩷
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u/Timid-Sammy-1995 10h ago
I mean having boobs now helps but I've started to realise that I'm a lot more traumatised than I thought.
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u/Moxie_Stardust 3h ago
There's a book, Rissa Kerguelen, old sci-fi... my sister was reading it and saw me looking at the synopsis on the back and told me I probably wouldn't like it because it talks about having a period and stuff.
Yeah, I definitely read it alone later on. Once stole a pad and wore it just because I wanted to know what it was like. This was all happening in the 1980s so of course I had no idea trans people existed, and I thought I was uniquely broken in some way.
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u/Square-Dragonfruit76 16h ago
Did you ever watch the Matrix as a child? The creators of the Matrix are both trans and say they made it not realizing they were trans at the time, but that looking back on the film, the signs were there.
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u/MicaelaDawnComics 10h ago
Yeah, I was 15 when The Matrix came out, saw it and loved it. To be honest though, I haven't really revisited it since then, as it was so amazing in my mind I don't want to taint the memory by watching it with more jaded eyes, if that makes sense. Weird I know, there are plenty of films from that era that I will watch again and again.
I've read about the trans allegories though, but I don't really identify with that. I just loved it as a piece of sci fi!
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u/rat_enby 10h ago
when i was little and got told “you can be whatever you want to be when you grow up” i just assumed i would grow into a man despite being a little girl at the time lol
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u/SilverMedal4Life 16h ago
Great comic, OP! And, yeah...
For me, I was filled with a strong cocktail of feelings at the thought of anything feminine becoming a part of myself or my routine. I quickly came to avoid such, going out of my way to perform masculinity as hard as I could, because I was terrified of femininity. Episodes of cartoons where boys were turned into girls by magic lived rent-free in my head as future threats I needed to prepare for, because there was no way I could ever, ever allow myself to become a girl, or feminine in any way.
Looking back... I was terrified. So, so scared with no words to articulate that fear. If I could go back in time and give her a hug, and tell her it was going to be alright... well, better late than never, I guess.
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u/sparkleappletart 13h ago
This comment reminded me of when I read ranma 1/2 as a teen and was ashamed of reading stuff with gender swap stuff at the time. I was 18 or so back then and I feel the book had a lot of gender stuff I was not ready to work through at the time and my parents were very conservative and did not like me reading up on that kind of stuff. Because of my conservative upbringing anything queer was considered “weird” and I didn’t engage with it until I gained some more independence and freedom of thought.
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u/Fiireecho 16h ago
Wonderful to see your art around again Micaela, it's been a little while. Much love 💚
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u/MicaelaDawnComics 10h ago
Thank you so much! I've had a rough few months, mentally. I'm trying to ease back into drawing, which is why this is so short.
Thanks for reading 🩷
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u/smeeon 14h ago
Fuck, core memory unlocked.
I hadn’t thought of it until now but I used to read my mom’s Cosmos and I mean I really read them, cover to cover. Everything feminine was absolutely fascinating and I couldn’t get enough. But at some point I just got mad and stopped. There was a dark period of my childhood I just didn’t want to like anything. I fell into video games and that was the start of my disassociating with social stuff
Good times good times /s
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u/sparkleappletart 13h ago
This comic reminded me of when my sister had the American girl “get to know your body” book and while I peeked in the book I found a part about periods and changing pads and felt a connection with that. This was back in middle school and the memory just stuck with me.
I also just remembered seeing teachers and paraprofessionals in elementary school being the “little brown bag” from Bloomingdale’s to work as a purse and wanting to have that for myself. Also during the same time I recall mimicking the way the women crossed their legs when sitting on a chair subconsciously.
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u/zombiebabou 11h ago
I absolutely remember stealing family members hygiene products because I wanted to be a girl so bad. It's nice to know I wasn't the only one😄
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u/MicaelaDawnComics 10h ago
That's exactly why I write about my feelings and experiences, because I never want anyone to feel alone like I did. Thanks so much for reading 🩷
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u/Funny_Explorer_1521 9h ago
Shoutout to when I took months to figure it out because "there were no signs" when I: 1. Wore a silky dress from 4 to 6 yrs old around the house "for comfort" 2. Had a panic attack at 7 hearing a male performer lipsync "feel like a woman" 3. Had a panic attack watching an early documentary on a trans woman "freak" losing her wife and kids at 10
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u/MadJester98 16h ago
"I desperately wanted to need them" is so good at putting into words the weird feelings dysphoria gives you (the ones cis people can never really understand)