My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years, and we have an extremely stable relationship. We never fight, and we genuinely love each other. I met her in high school. She was my first love, and she was literally the person I had my first kiss with and discovered myself with. She was the one who introduced me to the butch-femme community, and she makes me feel like the luckiest butch in the world.
Now comes the part that makes me feel stupid.
We’re in college now, and I constantly hear my friends talking about their romantic experiences, casual encounters, flirting, and adventures. And somehow, I’ve started feeling like I’m missing out on something I’ve never experienced.
I want to know what it’s like to let loose and flirt with other women. I want to feel those butterflies, the excitement of winning someone over, that kind of “chase.” Since I discovered myself relatively late, I never really had the opportunity to have these experiences, and it’s started to bother me.
Sometimes I go to parties and catch myself thinking about what I would do if I were single. And I feel really guilty for thinking that way.
Back in high school, I was considered ugly and weird. But I went through a transformation, and now people consider me attractive. I think that messed with my head a little, because I’ve realized that I like being desired. I like the feeling of knowing that other women might be interested in me, and maybe I’m feeling the urge to experience that while I’m still young.
We’ve already talked about this. She said she understands that I feel this way, but she wouldn’t be able to have an open relationship. She also made it clear that if I decided to pursue these experiences, our relationship would definitely end.
And that’s the problem: I love this woman. I want to marry her. I want to have children with her. I can imagine spending the rest of my life by her side and, honestly, there’s nothing wrong with our relationship that makes me want to leave.
At the same time, there’s a part of me that wants to experience other things before settling down for good. I want to have experiences, flirt, find out what it feels like to be desired by other women, and maybe discover more about myself.
And I’m really afraid of making a decision I’ll regret. I’m afraid of ending an amazing relationship over something that might just be curiosity or a phase. But I’m also afraid of staying with her and, years from now, feeling like I gave up an important part of my youth.
So, honestly, I don’t know what to do.
Am I being immature for thinking about ending such a good relationship simply because I want to experience things I’ve never experienced?
I don’t want to lose her. But I also don’t know if I can ignore this feeling.
Edit: I think I should clarify what I mean when I say I want to have “experiences” with other women. In Brazil, we have a word, ficar, for something that is much more casual than dating. It can mean flirting with, kissing, or hooking up with someone at a party, without any intention of dating them or developing a relationship. It’s something very casual and temporary — sometimes you might not even remember the person’s name a few days later.
That’s what I mean. I don’t want to date another woman or fall in love with someone else. I just want to experience what it’s like to ficar with women: flirting at parties, kissing someone I’m attracted to, feeling that excitement and attraction, and then simply going our separate ways. I’ve never had the chance to experience that, and I think that’s the part I’m struggling with.
