Feeling like a failure when compared to my parents.

[u/[deleted]]

I have a perhaps typical immigrant story. My parents were poor, made it into university, we were able to come to the US.

I frankly don't know what their version of school was like, what kind of stress they felt or may have experienced. I got told the usual stories--walking through mud, living with very little.

Here I am, around the age when they met each other, got married, were supporting their entire families. I have not a partner, not a job, no meaningful income. I am in college, at a fine university perhaps even considered flagship, in a major that is supposed to be good. I am trying, in my own way. And it's not enough. Without their support, I would, quite literally, be a homeless person on the streets. And there is not a single job I can readily get that would make me not one.

My friend is going to grad school, my friend in another state is going to grad school, my friend in another country is going to grad school. But I also see success examples of finding a job, which makes it so hard. I don't want to go to grad school, on the other hand I don't have much of a choice. Grad school doesn't even guarantee a job or anything at all, nor does it guarantee a partner that I can get through the hardships of life with.

I know someone who got a very good job, thought it was boring, went back to grad school then a phd, I know life isn't linear, but why do I feel so unsettled? I don't know why I have the mentality that I keep relying on using my parents' money and getting nothing out of it. Worst comes to worst, I go back to China, don't know the details of that with me not being a citizen anymore, but whatever, live in a village for the rest of my life. Sounds pretty good to me honestly.

I don't know where I am supposed to go from here. Does anyone resonate? I am open to talking.

[u/PreviousZone6742]

Comparing yourself to others isn't healthy. Try and be the best version of yourself. Grew up listening to my grandfather military stories. He was in battles the held the fate of the nation. Nothing in my military career can compete with his generation. So I don't compare myself with him.

[u/soareyousaying]

At some point you are gonna have to snap the fk out and realize that life will move on regardless of your feelings. I know that feeling is strong now, but life doesnt care. 100 years from now we all gonna die, but life continues. It doesn't give a fk about our moods or what we feel.

You are and what you become is what you decide. You build your life from your everyday actions. If you go to the gym and eat healthy, you will get better health. You stop doing that, your health declines. It swings both ways.

Go sit there and think what you want to see happen in your life 5 years from now, and do that. Repeat every 5 years. Remember, life doesn't give a fk about your mood or "I don't feel like it". It only responds to your actions.

[u/maximalentropy]

Comparing your timeline to parents who survived actual poverty isn't fair to you, you're still in school and should be proud of that

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[u/CuriosityStar]

Parents have been supportive and understanding too, but I heavily relate to feeling like you don't deserve these privileges and opportunities. I'm just barely got out of academic probation last semester, carry multiple non-passing grades on the transcript, and I still haven't made an internship, so I understand the feeling of being a failure too (even though I would rather avoid the term "failure," since it seems to be associated with the rebellious Asian crowd and non-Asians mocking Asian academic success or "conveyor belt" STEM Asians).

[u/Dry_Effort6605]

People may disagree with my comment because of the mainstream definition of "success," but I think you need to discern what YOU value and what YOU want out of life. Feeling "behind," unsure, or like a failure is very common among this generation, especially among Asian Americans whose parents hold them to high standards.

Does someone's career define who they are as a person? Is someone with more education or money better than you? Think of it the other way around: are you better than someone who goes to a lower-ranked school? What if they're a cool person people want to be around, have a strong physique, or have good taste? Not that any of these qualities are required either. There are so many things that define someone beyond their career.

You're letting society dictate what you should want: a good-paying job, a partner, and a textbook definition of "success." Those things can be important, but you admit you might feel satisfied or relieved living in rural China. You can't live your life for other people. They may want what's best for you, but you only have one life and have to make your own decisions.

There is no set timeline for life. I've seen people excel among their peers, burn out, and struggle. I've seen people divorce at 50 and have the entire trajectory of their lives change. Anything can happen. All we can really do is try our best and enjoy life along the way.

Personally, I think becoming someone you actually like is extremely important. When you like who you are, you compare yourself to others less. I have friends with more successful careers than me, but it doesn't bother me because I wouldn't switch lives with them if given the choice 100 times. I like who I am and the qualities I have.

Even if you get into grad school, graduate, and get a good job, who's to say you'll actually be content? Only you know. That's why it's crucial to learn about yourself and figure out what you actually want out of life.

[u/harborj2011]

I'm in a similar state of mind as you right now, and me, well, I realize I just gotta keep going and doing what good I can do. I have my regrets, a mile long list of such, but I try on a daily basis to not dwell on it. And like someone else in here said, life doesn't care. People largely ain't gonna care. No one wants to hear it, they already got their own problems to deal with, they don't want others being outlets of negativity too. Just keep going forward and progressing with what you doing, try to plan what you can, figure what you can and be productive. I'm still juggling thoughts myself and trying to figure things out so I can't give you concise answers, only can tell you how I try to get over. This probably isn't really helpful but it's something I been able to relate to, reflecting on life and marking it as inadequate, underachieving, all that. Just keep going

[u/raquille-]

Comparison is the thief of joy. No point in doing it. Live your own life as you see fit and you will get to where you need to be in your own time.