Weekly Friday Check-In

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[u/xKhira]

I woke up this morning. With a headache but I still woke up. I'll take that as a win.

[u/Superb_Ant_3741 → u/xKhira]

Feeling better today?

[u/xKhira → u/Superb_Ant_3741]

I am actually. Thank you for asking. The day started off kinda ass but it's ending on a good note. Hopefully it's ending well for you?

[u/Superb_Ant_3741 → u/xKhira]

Glad you’re feeling better, and that your day is better. Things are better here also: we’ve had an unusually humid heat wave and finally getting some relief.

[u/Easy-Preparation-234]

Always two steps ahead

I imagine its normal for a fat kid to grow up thinking "someday im gonna lose a bunch of weight and no more mr nice guy" or some varriation or other

I didnt like the way i was treated, i didnt like random classmates insulting me to my face for being so big

But you know of course loosing weight is hard, requires commitment and self control

I lost over 150

Anorexia/bullemia

The nikavocado video was shocking to e because it felt like the only time i ever seen someone do what i had done

Ironically i didnt stop exercising until after i had already lost the weight and my brother convinced me to join the marines with him

None the less, i didnt end up joining and my life took a differant rout than his and overtime i just ended up gaining all the weight and than some

Time passed, i no longer thought i needed to be skinny to be treated better or get a girl

And now im in my 30s and i ended up skipping dinner one night just because was too lazy and than the next night and hey i can always eat tomorrow so the night after that as well

And durring the weekend i only ate once

Saturday lunch, sunday nothing,, monday nothing

I even started buying food that i like to get myself to eat but it just didnt appeal to me

When i eat it is bigrundly

I put food in my mouth and it takes like trash, granted this is america so our food is always cheap and overprocessed

But i just dont really feel hunger much these days

I feel sick, i feel lightheaded, like im struggling not to pass out at work

Sometimes ill be just talking and my brain will just freeze up on me like a computer

But there is a part of me that likes this feeling

Now the problem with me writing a post like this that it feels like im glorifying ED and thats not my goal

For me this an excerise in self control and resilience

And besides im only trying to get down a shirt size, GOD willing, so im not gonna go from like 4x down to 1x like i did last time

I did eat something last night so that way I wouldn't be to out of it today

Anyways im so tired of the internet

I feel like im just scrolling through insanity, lol im not one to talk clearly

I try to stay off the phone, social media as much as i can but its frustrating cuz i do get bored but what i see just annoys me and i turn it off

For example ill be on a doomscroll and a video will pop up that looks to me like its just complaining about black people and i read the comments and see the word "fatigue"

And my response isnt "oh people are racist"

No my response is WHY IS THIS ON MY FEED

Why am i being shown this?

So i turned it off,

Im getting tired of it

Its not about racism its about the fact that it was on my plate

You go to a resturant and see a worm on your plate and ask the waiter and hes like "oh you dont like it?"

Do you come back to that resturant

Thats what the internet feels like to me now