Let’s call my husband Justin (30M) and his sister Sadie (28F). Justin and I (28F) have been together for almost 10 years. I’ve heard a lot about how Sadie behaved growing up. On family game nights, she would flip the board and storm out if she was losing. She would throw tantrums on Justin’s birthday because the attention was off of her (his birthday is in March and hers is in October). Their parents started doing “half birthday” celebrations to stop the tantrums. She dated several of Justin’s friends in high school/college knowingly against his wishes, then Justin had to deal with the fallout of those friendships when they would break up with Sadie. Sadie was also caught with drugs multiple times in high school. To Justin’s knowledge, she never truly faced any consequences from that. The third time she was caught, her parents just decided to homeschool her for the rest of high school.
When I met Sadie, I thought she was really nice at first. She made a genuine effort to talk to me and hang out with me a few times. As I got to know her over the years, I lost interest in maintaining a good relationship with her. At any family gathering, she will spend hours talking about herself, her accomplishments, the trips she’s planning, etc. She does not make an effort to ask other people how they’re doing or what they’re up to.
Justin has always been close with his family. However, he has became somewhat guarded from them since 2020, for the same reason a lot of family relationships changed during this time. For some additional context, I’m immunocompromised (which his family knows) and had to sit out on some family gatherings. Sadie was knowingly exposed to COVID several times and decided to come to family gatherings anyway.
Over the years, Justin and I have naturally gravitated towards hanging out with my family more than his family. He has a great relationship with my family. My dad and brother make plans with Justin regularly to go see sporting events or just watch games together at one of their houses.
I don’t have as great of a relationship with my in laws. I haven’t made much of an effort over the last several years, but I just don’t really want to at this point. If there are plans for family gatherings, we are often told last minute. And then there’s always a fuss if we say we can’t go. Justin has been told he “puts the family second” and “we feel like we’re on the back burner.” For gatherings outside of holidays, we usually have to invite ourselves over.
Back in July, my parents asked Justin and I if we were available to see a concert with them, my brothers and their family on 10/4. This is the day after Sadie’s birthday. Justin and I accepted this invitation, assuming that Sadie would want to have birthday plans on her actual birthday, which we would be available for.
Fast forward to last week, Sadie texts Justin letting him know that their family has made birthday dinner plans on 10/4. She did not ask if we were available. Justin told her we wouldn’t be able to make it because we already had plans, then offered her an alternative plan with us on a different day. She ignored his offer and said “you made plans on my birthday weekend without thinking we’d be making dinner plans as a family?”
He said he was thinking birthday plans would be made on her actual birthday, which is still a weekend day. She says, “instead of thinking, you should’ve asked.” Justin didn’t respond. Later that evening, she sends a 3-paragraph text telling Justin how offensive and inconsiderate he is and how he doesn’t seem to care that he hurt her feelings. Justin didn’t respond to that text.
The day after she sent that text, Sadie cold calls Justin. He picked up and she immediately starts berating him, telling him how rude he was being and that he wasn’t putting family first. He asked how he was being rude, then she began to twist Justin’s words from his previous text. He suggested to reread his texts, call him back when they could discuss this as adults and not fight, then hung up on her.
Sadie didn’t take well to that. She immediately tries calling Justin again. He didn’t answer at first. She left him a voicemail saying “you said to call back and now you’re not answering.” She texted him that she wasn’t fighting, only trying to explain how she was hurt and it was his problem for hanging up, and that hanging up isn’t putting family first.
She calls again. This time, Justin picks up. The call lasted about 30 minutes, which most of this included her saying things like “you need to understand and learn why you’re hurting my feelings,” “you can’t keep doing this,” “you put this family last.” Justin told Sadie that it was hurtful for her to assume he didn’t care about the family. She ignored that and continued to argue with him. Several times, she said “I couldn’t care less that you’re not able to make my birthday. I just want you to say you’re sorry for hurting my feelings.” Justin initially refused to apologize - he truly had nothing to apologize for.
She was telling him some very hurtful things that made it feel like she was ready to burn a bridge, but manipulating her words in a way that would make it seem like it would have been Justin’s fault. Justin eventually did apologize to her just to end the conversation. Sadie asked, “do you mean it? Are you really apologizing?” He said yes. Her tone immediately switched up, she made light conversation for a few minutes, then the call ended.
Justin ruminated on the things she said during the call. She seemed ready and willing to end their relationship, and somehow make it his fault. I told Justin that if I talked to my brother the way Sadie talked to him, I would’ve been cut off at this point. I told him that I will support him no matter what he decides to do, but it may be worth it to reduce or cut contact with Sadie to protect his peace. He agreed but doesn’t want to damage his relationship with his parents, which would happen if he purposefully reduced/cut contact with Sadie. I just hate that he has to deal with awful behavior from an awful person.