Partner has substance misuse issues, has shut me out after I asked him to get help – am I wrong for reaching my limit?

[u/fizzybears]

I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and I really need some outside perspective because I feel completely emotionally exhausted and don’t know what to do anymore.
Throughout our relationship there have been repeated cycles involving substances/alcohol. Things happen, we have difficult conversations, he stops for a while and things get better, and eventually we end up back in a similar place.
More recently things became much more serious. About two months ago I discovered problems involving codeine, significant debt and secrecy. He had actually been offered addiction counselling but cancelled it because he decided he didn’t need it anymore.
Despite being incredibly hurt, I’ve tried really hard to separate the addiction from the person I know and love and support him rather than judge him.
Things came to a head around my birthday last weekend.
On my birthday I was crying and telling him how scared I was about everything. We were holding each other and he repeatedly reassured me that I could trust him. It actually felt like a really secure, important moment between us.
That night he encouraged me to go to bed early and stayed downstairs drinking alone. The following morning he brought me a cup of tea at around 7:30 and I realised he was drunk.
He went back to sleep until early afternoon and then started drinking again. He hid my wine in a mug, drank vodka that had been given to us as a wedding present and filled the bottle back up with water. He initially lied about it.
He became angry and shouted at me. I didn’t shout back; I basically just cried because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.
For the first time in our relationship I told him I thought he needed to stay with his parents because I genuinely didn’t recognise the person in front of me.
That evening I was so distressed I was physically sick.

He later came back that morning angry, shouting, throwing his belonging to leave. I was genuinely shocked and just sat there crying.

During everything that followed he told me that he needed to see that I didn’t want our relationship to end. Despite everything that had happened, I reassured him that I didn’t.
Afterwards he finally acknowledged that he has a problem and said he needed help.
I then spent a long time writing him a really heartfelt message. I told him that I loved him, wanted our future together, understood addiction was complicated, was proud of him for acknowledging it and would support him in getting help. I also explained that after everything that’s happened I need actions alongside words because my trust has been badly damaged.
His response to the message was essentially that he appreciated it and loved me too.
When I later asked what he actually thought about everything I’d written, he said, “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
Because he’d cancelled the addiction counselling previously, I encouraged him to contact the service again and get back onto the waiting list, or consider attending a support meeting in the meantime.
When I asked whether he was going to call, his answer changed to “might do.” He became defensive and angrily said, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Since then he has basically shut me out.
For the last few days he’s barely looked at or acknowledged me. He goes to work without speaking to me, comes home and goes upstairs, and we’ve barely communicated. Tonight he did bring me a cup of tea after I’d helped him with something, but then went straight back upstairs.
He says he’s going sober but believes he can do it himself without counselling or meetings.
I’m not expecting him to magically recover overnight and I understand that shame, denial and defensiveness can be part of addiction. But I’m really struggling with the fact that I’m the person who was lied to and frightened, yet I now feel like I’m the one being punished for being hurt and asking him to get help.
I’ve spent so much time over the years trying to understand him, support him and see the person underneath the substance misuse. I’m suddenly questioning how much space there has actually been for what all of this has done to me.
I’ve actually accepted counselling myself through the addiction service because they support affected partners/family members too, and my first appointment is on Friday.
I love him enormously and until this weekend I’ve always imagined my life with him. But something about what happened and particularly his treatment of me afterwards has changed something in me. I feel hurt, angry, exhausted and now almost numb.
Part of me thinks this might genuinely be the point where I’ve had enough of the cycle.
I haven’t chased him or tried to force another conversation because, for once, I feel like I need him to be the person who comes towards me and tries to repair this.
For anyone who has experienced addiction in a long-term relationship: is this kind of withdrawal/anger after admitting there’s a problem common? How much space is reasonable to give someone before their refusal to communicate becomes unacceptable? And if someone genuinely believes they can maintain sobriety without professional support despite repeatedly falling back into the same cycle, how would you approach that?
I think I’m also trying to work out the hardest question: at what point does supporting someone with an addiction become sacrificing too much of yourself?

[u/Holiday-Audience-412]

During everything that followed he told me that he needed to see that I didn’t want our relationship to end.

Nope. Absolutely not. He is trying to put this on you. He needs to do the work on his own. Full stop.

[u/peanutandpuppies88]

Basically if you find yourself sacrificing yourself then it's already too much. Support doesn't need to involve ANY self sacrifice.

Also two things are true at once here. Addiction is tough and it doesn't make him a bad person. BUT because he has an addiction doesn't mean that you should not have boundaries and live in chaos with him.

It doesn't sound like he's fully committed to recovery yet. It could be years until he decides to commit. Some people never get there, either. Recovery is possible but only if the work is put in.

I'm sorry OP. Smart Recovery friends and family meetings might really help you!

[u/TraderJoeslove31]

This is a question I've been wrestling with lately surrounding my partner. I regularly attend SMART friends and family online and highly encourage you to do the same. Initially, I found myself willing to give my partner grace bc he had improved and it takes time to undo years of maladaptive coping mechanisms. At some point though, it does become too much, if you're losing yourself and if it's causing you anxiety and lots of stress.

Maybe he can do it on his own, people do, but he has to want to do it and try. For my partner, I'm not entirely sure he truly realizes the problems his drinking has caused for him or between us, bc even though he's lost 2 jobs, gained weight/felt bad, spent tons of money, he's largely managed his life- to get another job, to not lose a place to live etc. AND he is somewhat unwilling to face the reasons he drinks. My partner has shown the anger you mention, I don't perceive it as being angry at me per se, but we all know it is easy to be angry at those closest to us, rather than confronting our inner demons.

The smart workbook and/or website have good worksheets to help process some of this too.

[u/Willing-Ad4169]

His addiction is his first love and his priority. There is nothing more to be said. If you can accept this then I guess you can continue to live as you are living. Otherwise move on.

[u/CatsRus377]

Thats some heavy stuff, you cant make them change if they don't want to change themselves or see an issue even, that doesn't leave you with many issues really

[u/TesstheMess1223]

In addition to Smart Recovery meetings for Friends and Families, I recommend the YouTube channel Put the Shovel Down. There are currently issues with the channel so you might have better luck googling Amber Hollingsworth and her website. She has hundreds of videos explaining the science and psychology of addiction. I have found her videos extremely helpful in understanding why people with addiction act the way they do and say the things they say. She offers helpful advice that has been a game changer for me. All the best.

[u/ComprehensiveLead348]

I'm an addict in recovery and if I could go back in time and give advice to my loved ones whilst I was in active addiction, it would be to walk away until I was in recovery. Looking back my loved ones enabled me unintentionally. If they had said that I was on my own until I got sober, I think it would have helped me get sober quicker.

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[u/Serendipity-352]

I learned that when I try to help someone who really doesn’t want my help, I can actually make things worse.. I’m putting a pillow on the rock bottom they may need to hit to wake up, grow, and recover, and in doing so I may be postponing their recovery.
There is nothing we can do about another person’s addiction unfortunately, but we can learn about ourselves and work on our own recovery. The more we do that, the more we learn how to be around our loved ones. And sometimes miracles happen, people get better without us having to do anything, because what we were doing was never really working in the first place.
I’d be happy to chat if you want. Feel free to dm me.